BSNYC Lousy Generic Supermarket-Brand English Muffins Totally Lacking In Nooks And/Or Crannies!

Firstly, this blog will be closed on Monday, January 20th in observance of the Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  Rest assured that I will be using this day to teach my seventeen (17) children the true meaning of this holiday, which is of course big, big savings on locks, access control, safes, surveillance equipment, padlocks, bike locks, binoculars, night vision goggles, survival guides, manuals, depository safes, gun safes, file cabinet locks, fire safes, door hardware, electronic keypads, and more:

Yes, Dr. King had a dream, and it was all about hoarding valuables and armaments for the coming class war.

Anyway, I'll be back on Tuesday, January 21st with regular updates.

In other news, Portland continues to be America's wellspring of important cultural contributions, and their latest ambassador is the "Portland Unipiper" (via BikePortland), who recently made what I assume to be his national television debut:



Presumably he'll be back in town by Monday, where he'll serve as Master of Ceremonies at Portland's MLK theme ride, widely regarded as the most tasteless and offensive Martin Luther King, Jr. Day celebration in the United States.

And while I may be scared of unicycles, I find it oddly comforting that in 2014 you can still head over to Craigslist and buy a complete fixie starter kit from someone who's moving on to Rollerblades or something similar:

RALEY FIXED GEAR - $350 (Chelsea)

GREY RALEY , EXTRA GREEN TORELLI WHEEL NEEDS TO BE RESTRUNG , MESSENGER CRANK , OLD HOLD FAST STRAPS , STYLO TRUVATIVE HANDLE BARS, THE BIKE IS IN GOOD CONDITION SOME SCRATCHES NO DENTS . BERN HELMET INCLUDED 
CONTACT ME AT 917XXXXXXX

What's a Raley, and how do you re-string a wheel?

Also, he misspelled "helment."

Speaking of things that were relevant six years ago, remember "Murder of Couriers?"  Well it's the "Apocalypse Now" of messenger documentaries in that it's been in production for something like 20 years, but the filmmakers seem to have finally made a trailer that strikes just the right balance of self-importance and stupidity:



Come on, guys.  Stop taking yourselves so seriously.

You live in Canada for chrissakes.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then good for you, and if you're wrong you'll see how to be a good little cyclist.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and check your wheelstrings.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) It took a few months, but Chris Horner seems to have finally found a team that believes he's not doping.

--True
--False

2) Or maybe not.

--True
--False

(Dustin Hoffman would also make a great Bill-Clinton-Awkwardly-Lifting-A-Bicycle.)

3) Dustin Hoffman will play which role in the upcoming Lance Armstrong biopic?

--Eddy Merckx
--Greg LeMond
--Sheryl Crow's overbearing Jewish garmento father
--???

4) Order by Martin Luther King, Jr. Day to get 50% off my new coffee table book, "United States Presidents Awkwardly Lifting Bicycles With One Hand."

--True
--False

(Lost, drunk, and stupid.)

5) If many of the cyclists you encounter seem to have their heads up their asses, it's only because:

--They're drunk
--They're lost
--They're stupid
--They're crafting stupid wedding proposals as part of viral marketing campaigns for Strava

6) Pants schmants.

--True
--False

(When Strava is not paying people to write messages the results tend to be illegible.)

7) What does this Strava message say?

--Will you marry me?
--Will you blow me? (in Arabic)
--Will you divorce me?
--Will you please take me to the ophthalmologist?

***Special Day-In-The-Life-Of-A-Triathlete-Themed Bonus Video***