Monday, December 16, 2013

One person's Christmas stocking is another's Coney Island whitefish.

Well, the holidays are here.  Are you experiencing a constant, nagging sense of nostalgia tinged with humiliation and regret?  Are your streets lined with sooty snow, stained black with car exhaust fumes and highlighted with festive yellow bursts of dog urine?  Are you throwing elbows at stores filled with tons and tons of plastic molded into entertaining shapes that will bring children hours or, at most, weeks of joy that soon turns into boredom and ultimately becomes a cloying ennui and the pain of wanting more more more?


Yes, welcome to America, where shelf space once reserved for increasingly shitty bikes is now being re-allocated to plastic motorized cars larger than actual economy cars from the 1970s, and where the "Li'l Asshole™ My First SUV" is rapidly replacing the bicycle as the child's first experience with vehicular locomotion.  If you've ever seen one of these rumble into the neighborhood playground and observed the shitshow that ensues as kids beat the crap out of each other over who gets to ride in it, you begin to understand the dick-waving "Me first!" clusterfuck that is is commuting and life in general.  It's depressing, though I guess it's never too early to get Junior used to the American way of life, which is sitting on your rapidly-spreading ass and trolling for attention and respect behind the wheel of your bank-owned symbol of independence™ and freedom®.

Anyway, needless to say I bought six of those bad boys, and they're currently sitting in the garage of my McMansion with bows on them.

Of course, if you want a more "pussified" gift, you could always go with a hat:


(Frame-by-frame representation of what hat looks like when you hurl it as a deadly weapon.)

Or a book and a hat, or even just a book, which is autographed by Yors Truley:


Yors Truley is of course the Swedish literary sensation and author of the Nobel prize-winning novel "Alla Ni Haters Suger Min Pung."

So give the gift of me, and with any luck we'll all manage to limp to the end of this year together and make it to 2014, at which point the whole sad cycle of slowly eroding optimism will begin anew.

Meanwhile, we got the snowing this weekend, and I managed to slip out for a bicycle cycling ride before the snowing really started to accumulate:


(Forlorn hydrant holds my bicycle aloft with its sad, stubby arms.)

Years ago, back when this blog was worth reading, the above bicycle was assembled in this guise:


(A bicycle whose owner has not yet come to terms with the fact that he wants a Rivendell.)

It was my everyday commuting bicycle, and for reasons I can't recall I referred to it as the "Ironic Orange Julius Bike."  Then I hastily converted it into an approximation of a single-speed cyclocrossing bicycle for some race or another and that's the way it's been ever since.  In the meantime, my Scattante (RIP) assumed the role of commuter:


(The subject of much derision, the Bose (RIP) stopped working almost immediately and now resides in the trash.)

Now I just do my best to avoid commuting.

Anyway, I maintain that a single-speed cyclocrossing bicycle, while fun, is just about the most useless bicycle it's possible to have--but, as it so happens, there's an utterly flat 25-mile unpaved trail that starts pretty much in my backyard and is virtually 100% Fred-free (though I did get bitten by a dog there), so who's useless now?

So the moral of the story is, always buy that cheap metal frame with canti studs, even if you can't put a derailleur on it, because if you've got an ample spare parts bin you can have fun with it about twenty different ways.

It's also worth noting that I'm getting old.  Not too long ago I would only use the most tiny, pert, just-got-out-of-a-cold-pool saddlebags, and now look:


See that?  I'm not even remotely self-conscious about riding around with the big, saggy, swaying, old-Jewish-man-in-a-steamroom saddlebag setup.

In ten more years it should be rubbing against my rear tire.

(The saddle bag, too.)

Oh, by the way, at no point while riding my single-speed cyclocrossing-inspired bicycle did I dress like a giant hot dog:


I'm just lame like that, what can I say?

Though I like to think I'm not as lame as a bike dressed as a table (or a table dressed as a bike, because what's the difference really, they're both equally useless) as forwarded by a reader:


(It's only eighteen hundred and fifty dollars.)

Come Ride With Me

Take your table on a ride-along! Wherever the party might move, this innovative design rolls with the punches - and carries your cocktails in tandem. Made from a vintage bicycle and topped with panels of rustic wood, this bespoke table by Tyagi Schwartz uses a kickstand-inspired design to create a moveable statement piece. A warmly weathered seat and handlebar rise from the tabletop and the richly weathered finish brings industrial charm to any room. Made in Brooklyn, NY.

At this point, even Portland is like, "Fuck you, Brooklyn."

And lastly, while we wait to find out just how fucked cycling will be under our new mayor, our outgoing one is now going to outsource his urban planning to the rest of the world--for free:


And that includes our bike lane fairy, Janette Sadik-Khan:

Ms. Sadik-Khan, the transportation commissioner, said that mayors are routinely startled to learn how little money and staffing are required to create the bike lanes, pedestrian plazas and slower-speed zones that have remade New York City’s streets under Mr. Bloomberg.

“You can make these changes quickly and inexpensively,” she said, adding that “the success we’ve had here can be tailored and replicated in other places.”

This is great news for all you other cities out there, and if you want lots and lots of green paint to ride on before you get run down by a motorist who is allowed to get away scot-free, you know who to call.

Throw in a bullshit bike table or two and you've got your own Brooklyn.

Good luck with that.

101 comments:

Comment deleted said...

Really?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

first?

Anonymous said...

Podium! All it took was $100k and pastry, y'all.

Charles said...

Me for the win!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

cd stole my glory

Charles said...

Maybe not....

mikeweb said...

Whatever happened to the original title bar with bike parts?

Special ed copyright issue probably...

Anonymous said...

je suis dans le premier dix

3G said...

Dripping with Cipo top 10!

Rick James said...

Top ten fools!

mikeweb said...

Wow, tight pack finish today.

Tip 'o the BSNYC cycling cap to Cd.

Freddy Murcks said...

It's going to be hard to ride that bicycle table thingy.

126 postpa

Anonymous said...

Cold out but I'm in !

vsk

Comment deleted said...

I totally blundered into the top o' the podium. Sorry if you actually trained for it, grouch.

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob - I too have one of those single speed cyclocrossing bicycles. And I too use it for commuting, but I came at it from the opposite direction. I tried a couple of single speed cyclocross races, but I quickly gave that up when I realized that single speed cyclocross is even harder than regular cyclocross. I do kind of like commuting on a single spped as it gives me a convenient excuse for not engaging in any cat6 racing with geared riders. And becuase my bike has a freewheel and breaks, I get to laugh at the fixie dickheads too.

orthsme 27b

Marcel Da Chump said...

Running the table.

CommentorBot9000 said...

Did the fork for the bike formerly known as "Ironic Orange Julius" turn (dark) blue in the cold

the Jimboner said...

I Russia they call sun showers "blind rain".

RoadQueen said...

I'm all for re-purposing things.

Rinse, reuse, recycle and all that. Being able to enjoy one item in 20 different ways is certainly 20 different ways to get your money's worth.

Monday.

BikeSnobNYC said...

CommenterBot9000,

It turned into a lighter aluminum fork lying around.

Incredibly, a bike with an aluminum fork rides just fine, unlike what some cycling publications and Internet experts would have you believe. It's ALMOST like tires and air pressure makes all the difference in the way your bike rides!!!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

420 said...

Antipodean podium

Anonymous said...

So Mr. Snob, raise the seat and lower the bars on the red Schwinn Typhoon and it approximates your Scattante for 1/Scranuth the price. Perfectly fine for ripping up the 25 miles of trail. Coaster brake for a "clean look" on the handlebars. Plus you can run over mean dogs with it.

I ran over a big raccoon on the docks at Gateway Marina two years ago one Labor Day evening. After it got up it continued along it's merry way unfazed.

My friend did a ride to Coney Island during the snowfall.

I did the opposite of Epic and took the car someplace.

Happy / Merry Whatever,

vsk

Anonymous said...

Il pompino means the blowjob right? I bought one of those things for commuting and can't help but think I would've been better off spending my money on the real thing.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Li'l Asshole™ My First SUV"

-Nice. Just wait till you hear the sound of 24 hard plastic tires rolling around your driveway. It might even mask out all the yelling and screaming as your other 11 kids fight over who gets to drive next.

robot word: fmongen

Isn't that a kind of cheese?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:34pm,

Yours didn't come with...?!?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Pompinos are nice.

hey nonny mouse

JB said...

Never seen this bike before?! What's going on? I don't know what to do! Gahhhh!

Anonymous said...

I just picked up "My First SUV" at the mall. Nice lil rig. I'm a totally clueless dipshit though, how again do I remove the stickers from it?

The King of Park Slope said...

"... with any luck we'll all manage to limp to the end of this year together and make it to 2014, at which point the whole sad cycle of slowly eroding optimism will begin anew."

Don't be such a Polly Anna.

Vernal Magina said...

... with onions, capers and sable?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

High time you bring back the Freaky Grilled Cheese Girl.

g. said...

To be honest, I never really understood why it was called the Ironic Orange Julius Bike, either.

Anon 1:33, I assure you if you had a pool and were forced to scoop raccoon shit out of it, you would have gone back and finished the job. Nasty fucking animals.

Alcoholics Anonymous said...

Brilliant idea, combining a table with a bike thereby each mutually voiding the utility of the other.

Fuck you Brooklyn, haven't you done enough already?

Anonymous said...

A single speed cyclocross bike. Good one wildcat (nothwithstanding the stupidly contrived SSCXWC or whatever the fuck). Why not remove the chain and make it even more fucking useless. Or better yet, make a table out of it.

DB said...

In anticipation of Snob taking his holiday leave soon, I'm sending the DB NYC Holiday Schedule for the New Yorkers to sign off on or change.
We're flying in Xmas Day to LaGuardia and assume there will be no problem getting a black car to Astoria.
Union Square and Chelsea Thursday with artisanal haircuts at Decatur and Sons, Lobster rolls at the Market and ending the day at the Highline Ballroom where Willie Nile is playing.
Friday is the Charlie Manson-Jumel mansion tour, finishing off with cocktails at One if by land, etc.
Saturday is open. What's going on Saturday? I'll be wearing my new BSNYC Walz cap to be recognizable.
Looking forward to visiting your city for the third time this year.

Bama Phred said...

"Li'l Asshole™ My First SUV" Does it come with de rigueur 6" lift kit and 35" mud grips? Or just the usual city douche model? Or is there a difference?

Vernal Magina said...

the table is adorable.

how often after a long, sweaty bike ride through Bensonhurst have i thought, "I can't wait to eat a pleasant, civilized meal right next to my bike seat."

-vm.

Anonymous said...

American Top Forty!

mikeweb said...

Naturally when gifting the "Li'l Asshole™ My First SUV" to ones offspring, you also need to give the "Li'l Douchebag™ My First Smart Phone" along with it so they can become used to operating the latter while pretending to safely operate the former.

mikeweb said...

DB, on Saturday I would highly recommend the Brooklyn Flea + Smorgasburg. Open 10:00 to 7:00, 80 N. 5th St. @ Whythe, W-burg. Great vendors and incredible food and drink.

And don't forget to stop by the Elma Blint Design booth and buy some amazing jewelry for your lovely wife.

Yarpo said...

Dear Tyagi Schwartz,
As you find your artistic inspiration from a kickstand I must urge you to get back on your neglected prescription meds, immediately. When the kickstand starts talking back to you, the real troubles will begin, I can assure you!
In addition, never, ever, use the term, "moveable statement piece" in my presence or you will be the recipient of a well-deserved MHC, or , Multiple Hot Carl-ing. The same result will ensue should you be foolish enough to attempt to bring, "industrial charm" into any room of my humble apartment.
Now if you will please excuse me, I must adjourn to the Hot Carl Preparation Room in order to create some ammunition in anticipation of your visiting Oakland anytime soon.

Thank You and Leave The Tables And Bikes Alone!

...most remiss if I fail to congratulate Cd, Serial Retrogrouch, and Anon 1:09pm. A fine bunch sprint by any measure! Remember not to piss off Monsieur Hinault on the podium or you will release the Badger within him.

Comment deleted said...

Sex-change Monday!

leroy said...

According to my dog, dressing up like a giant Gray's Papaya hot dog to ride puts the irony in an Ironic Orange Julius bike.

DB said...

Thanks, Mikeweb.
I'll make it happen.
Remind me again who this Elma Blint is? I do need an additional gift for my wife. The Walz cap/book combo is her big gift, but I need something else for her.

Peggy Guggenheim said...

I kind of like the bike-table... as art. It takes two common useful items and juxtaposes them in such a way as to make both useless while still remaining recognizable.

As an attempt to be anything else, especially anything verging on useful? Meh.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I like the bike table too. How do you take the stickers off?

mikeweb said...

Hi Peggy, sorry about your Dad.

DB, Elma is a talented jewelry designer who also begrudgingly decided to let me be her boyfriend years ago and as yet hasn't realized what a terrible error in judgement that was.

While the cap and book combo might be cute and thoughtful, trust me when I say that most women worth having also really adore jewelry - and whoever gives it to them.

DB said...

Mikeweb:
We're there. Looking forward to meeting her and seeing her jewelry.
I wanted to go in July when we were there, but it was insanely hot so we spent the day inside.

Anonymous said...

Upcycle this, Tyagi.

ge™ said...

I'm seriously having a Crocodile Dundee moment here. Your so-called big saddle bag is about the size of the smallest one I've ever owned, that was relegated to the parts bin a decade ago for being useless. I mean, I don't know what a Coney Island whitefish looks like, but I'm betting it wouldn't fit in that sad example of scrotal saggitude.

That aside, gold, snobby, gold!

Finally, I suppose a chicken costume might be construed as more dignified than a hot dog costume for cyclocrossing. I'll let you have that one.

Anonymous said...

"bespoke table" - heh heh - I get it!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

that table should be called

Don't S(h)it Where You Eat

Then that would qualify as art.

Anonymous said...

g. said... at 1:57 PM

"Anon 1:33, I assure you if you had a pool and were forced to scoop raccoon shit out of it, you would have gone back and finished the job. Nasty fucking animals."

December 16, 2013 at 1:57 PM

You are totally correct g. People told me that they have batted them full force with a baseball bat and they just make loud squeaky growling noises and get real mad. The stray cats that feed off dumpster goodies all scatter when I come near. The Raccoons all just look up and say "the FUCK you lookin at ?".

When they camp out on your boat after ripping out the screens and leave the 2 tone hair all over, the marina admonishment that they are protected over there does not help. Perhaps some anti-rat concoction in some peanut butter would do the trick.

Removing a dead possum the size of a dog from under the house in
Bay Ridge is also a treat, hatched maggots notwithstanding.

Ah wild Amurca!

vsk

ge™ said...

Racoons? Protected? Make me think that the Pitt Bull breeders association needs to breed in some cute little black and white stripes on their faces and they'll be golden.

Anonymous said...

Whoa! Orange Julius bike exists! That is the coolest bike you own, in an ironic way. You can lock that bike to a pole.

Cruel twist of fate:
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/86-year-old-chokes-death-claiming-sex-prize-article-1.1546939

Anonymous said...

Count Basie, Count Chocula, Count Von Count, and Count Me Out.

crosspalms said...

Does that Coney Island whitefish come with tartar sauce?

CommieCanuck said...

Ha. L'il Asshole SUV is electric. As if.

db said...

Snob, I hope you got Truck Nutz for all six of those mini Death Deliverers.

Which Ritcheys are you running on the Ritte?

.

Anonymous said...

Yes, welcome to America, where shelf space once reserved for increasingly shitty bikes is now being re-allocated to plastic motorized cars larger than actual economy cars from the 1970s,

Walmart bikes have gotten a lot better in recent years. 20 years ago, kid's bikes didn't use proper headset, hey used plastic bushings with a hose clamp to hold the fork in.
Check out this DK bike Walmart sells for $200. Pretty sweet l'il kids bike. Prolly under 24 lbs. This is a way nicer bike, than a "bike shop" kid's bike for $220-250.
http://www.walmart.com/ip/DK-Fury-Junior-20-BMX-Bike/17012263

This $120 bike, is a "real bike". Threadless fork, cassette hub, 3 piece cranks.
http://www.walmart.com/ip/20-DX-Effect-Unisex-BMX-Bike-Green/23031005

NorCoaster said...

Snobs, ever slide an IGH into that IOJC1X? I've givin the treatment to all sorts, but maybe thats just because I live in the mountains and/or I am weak.

McFly said...

It's that time of year when I get obligatory phone calls from soccer moms wanting advice on which is a good bike to get junior. I point them toward the LBS and they counter with "Well I am in Target(Tar Jay) right now and am looking at a Magna.....are those pretty good?"

Magnafacent lady.

Anonymous said...

Walmart > Target, for bikes.

Next, magna are garbage.

There are some decent bikes in big box stores. Schwinn, Mongoose, Genesis, DK sell a few real bikes there. They are assembled by the same kid that puts together the BBQ grills, and only come in one size, but they are not terrible bikes.

I am glad walmart is selling decent bikes. At least 50% of the bikes sold in the USA come from big box stores. Many of these bikes end up as transportation for poor people that work at mcdonalds, wash dishes, mow lawns, whatever. I would rather see more bikes like these ones:
Schwinn Admiral 700c, $160 7 speed with fenders and rack

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Schwinn-Women-s-Fiets-Road-Bike/26389228

http://www.walmart.com/ip/700c-Genesis-G500-Men-s-Road-Bike-Red/21620836

than garbage like magnas, huffys, next.

Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark said...

Is the table from IKEA? Now both table and bike are useless. Great "statement"!

McFly said...

I put the grills, wheelbarrows and bikes together when I was a kid at a local hardware store. The other older guy sucked at it. I talked the owner into letting me make test runs around the neighborhood to shake them down and returns all but disappeared.

Anonymous said...

bike table bites Marcel Duchamp's bicycle wheel steez pretty hard.

http://www.marcelduchamp.net/Bicycle_wheel.php
This is better art than the brooklyn rip off, because it takes two, simple useful products, and renders them completely useless.
It is also ORIGINAL.

Comment deleted said...

McFly, I'm imagining that you put all three of those things together in one item. It would be much more useful than the bicycle-table. Who wouldn't like a bakefiets with an embedded bar-b-que?

Anonymous said...

BEEN DONE.

BBQ BIKE
That, right there, is a "grampster?

Dooder in a skinsuit on curly handlebar type bike trying to get rad with predictable result

Comment deleted said...

Oh yeah, where's the wheelbarrow, smartypants?

Anonymous said...

If you are bored, google image search "bbq bike".

http://brooklyncyclist.com/post/31608479487/fort-reno-bbq-in-park-slope-has-a-bbq-bike-want

Anonymous said...

Snobby, I don't wish to upset you, but that aerospacey looking rear mudguard says "fuck you" to the world. It's so impolite to protect only yourself from the gunk your rear tyre will throw up. What's wrong with a humble, discreet, gracious conventional mudguard? And the fact you don't have a front mudguard of any description only compounds the disgrace. It's looks like a deliberate act mocking common courtesy.

As penance you should replace the mudguard with a rack and deliver hot soup to widows and orphans or something.

Portland said...

Fuck you, Brooklyn!

Roille Figners said...

"The saddlebag too." G, S, G!

I feel like the "bike table" "statement" only works if it's a spiteful gesture of deliberately destroying the usefulness of both, to show the folly of multi-tasking.

McFly said...

Christmas time was insane. But I would treat each one like someone's dream was coming true. Only had one set of bars come off in 4 years. Defective threads in the 45 degree stem nut. The dad was pissed.

Why does the bill on the Ninja Death Cap fold back up mid throw? Would you not want to keep it deployed for maximum jugular laceration?

Anonymous said...

Let us compare and contrast the Ironic Orange Julius bike, pre and post, 17 mini snobs running around puking/pooping on stuff.

unfettered by the responsibilites of fatherhood IOJB
Snob is running matching full fenders.
He is rubbing a "drink beer, ride bikes, get awesome" sticker.
He does not know how to adjust his front cantilever brake properly. He does not care about matching front and rear brakes.
He is rubbing a narrow, hard racing saddle, at a jaunty, upward angle, advertising his virility on confidence in his erections.
He is rocking moustache bars and a rear rack, for irony.

Post fatherhood bike set up
What has changed?

Filth propelactic instead of full fenders.

Saddle has been replaced with a wider, heavier seat, nosed down, slightly. This is not quite as bad as a junk saver "dildo hole" seat, but does advertise a growing concern for prostate health and E.D.

The "drink beer, get awesome" sticker has been removed".
MATU RITY.

He has those baby V-brakes now. They match. However, now the wheels don't match.



http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zsy-rXV9-kw/Uq8ljJNT4nI/AAAAAAAAwlQ/IX4AR4rkl2s/s1600/on+one.JPG

Herschel Raney said...

Single speed bikes make me want to kick someone's ass. I live among the hills. And it makes about as much sense as the old two gear wheels that you had to stop and flip the wheel over on in the early days before derailleurs.

I guess if you live in a flat seaside city with a jillion billion muthafuckas in it, it works out.

ge™ said...

Anon 6:55, you're obviously not familiar with WCRM's opinion of wheel suckers.

Oh, and the other anon, welcome to the blog Mr Walton.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 6:55pm,

1) Fuck courtesy;

2) I am a staunch proponent of the full fender, except for the off-road knobby-tired bicycle cycling, when for obvious reasons you don't want them.

Herschel Raney,

It also works out when you have lots of other bikes.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

To get good poop breath, eat copious amounts of your own feces. Other's feces will also work, but is more difficult to find.

Thank you, and good luck.

Craig Calfee said...

The chain on your single speed cycling conveyance is unfortunately not at the optimum tension just going by a visual appearance. I can whip out my instrument from my pants and check for you.

Maxblaster said...

hilarious !
Write on, we want more of these essays.
Don't take any more days off. 2013 must end on a positive note

ge™ said...

RETRACTION: Getting lazy. I should really google things before I comment on them. A Coney Island whitefish would fit in any saddle bag.

Anonymous said...

http://i.imgflip.com/5i94e.jpg

Richard Wad said...

ge - right?! ...unless you're a monster who leaves a monster whitefish in your wake.

Chris Bonner said...

If you've truly forgotten, I think I remember why you call it the ironic orange julius bike. You made a post making fun of some guy who was "rocking" a really expensive fixie, and he responded and said it was his "ironic coffee bike." Maybe you decided to name your own mono-speedular bike in turn?

McFly said...

I don't see how you can have a Table-Bike and a BBQ-Bike with out a Bun-Bike.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the chuckle! Ever try putting one of those plastic SUV's together? I felt so sick doing it that it was destined to break down shortly after the little buggers took control and it did, thankfully. Funny, but sad,,,

Anonymous said...

"So the moral of the story is, always buy that cheap metal frame with canti studs, even if you can't put a derailleur on it, because if you've got an ample spare parts bin you can have fun with it about twenty different ways."

Naw..That ain't the moral... The moral is that you have brakes and are a pussy as a result...

Cunt

JLRB said...

Anon 8:46

let me know when Darwin kicks you out of the pool

Billy said...

What is this blogspot.nl business... Oh yeah I am in Amsterdam!

Bragging aside, you are killing me with the holiday cheer Wildcat. Now it only hurts when I laugh...

babble on said...

mmm buns... :)

Anonymous said...

yeah, that's cute.

Anonymous said...

@anon 640,

nice crashy vid. the best of the web.

Anonymous said...

cloying ennui?

Damn right!

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