Simply put, Bloomberg was a mayor of tremendous consequence. Not all his ideas were good ones — some were bicycle-lane bad — but virtually all were big ones. Small ball was never his game.
Yes, here the bicycle lane is synonymous with the very worst our city has to offer. That's why bike lanes are causing 30-car pile-ups on the Gowanus:
One driver, who was headed to the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, told the Daily News, "I slid for about 20 seconds. I screamed, ‘I can’t stop.' I feel lucky. There was a bus behind us. If it hadn’t been able to stop, we would have been dead."
Right. Because no trains go to Rockefeller Center.
By the way, if you think 30-car pile-ups are an argument against driving when it comes to urban planning, think again. I mean, look at all the money changing hands here! Police overtime, towtrucks, insurance companies, auto repair shops... This isn't an "accident," it's a freaking bonanza! This is why those poor hapless bike advocates need to stop arguing that bike infrastructure makes sense because it's "inexpensive." Uh, don't you get it? Inexpensive is no good! Get the granola out of your ears, for chrissakes. When you build a highway a lot of people get rich! Politicians, contractors, supply companies... Meanwhile, who's getting paid when they slap some green paint on Prospect Park West? Nobody, that's who. It's a few gallons of Benjamin Moore from Pintchik, big fucking deal.
No, if we want some bike lanes we better start pushing for some multi-billion-dollar projects, like maybe a 200-foot wide bicycle superhighway from Staten Island to the Canadian border. See, a lot of people would stand to gain from building a great big shitshow like that--and that's when the bribes start to flow and the politicians get their asses in gear. Then, before you know it, you've got the green light, and 50 years later ground has been broken.
Meanwhile, in other news, today is an auspicious day since it marks the 300 millionth time someone has emailed or otherwise alerted me to the "Copenhagen Wheel:"
You know what? Screw this smug piece of crap. I don't want to turn my "ordinary bicycle" into a "smart electric hybrid," and I especially don't want to "connect it to my smartphone." I hate my fucking smartphone!
Sure, I'm addicted to it like every other asshole out there, but that doesn't mean I don't hate it. Hate it! If I were to suddenly become a billionaire (I'm already a millionaire, obviously) the only lifestyle change I'd make would be that I'd smash my smartphone to bits every time it annoyed me, which is like every three seconds. For fuck's sake, is there anything worse than Twitter? It's death by a zillion brainfarts! And these people think they're going to save the earth with their dumb little wheel that connects to your phone? Please. In 75 years, when we're all trudging knee-deep through discarded smartphones like piles of autumn leaves on a planet has been ravaged for its lithium, we'll wish we could go back to the days of analog bicycles.
But it will be too late.
Then we'll all be dead.
Merry Fucking Chrismas.
But enough gloom and doom. Let's watch cyclocross videos!
As you can see, the sport has changed very little over the years, except back then the bikes folded and you occasionally turned around and took a shot at one of your competitors:
Yeah, cyclocross used to be cool before WWI, but by WWII it started getting lame, and then the hipsters came along and ruined everything:
What with their trendy Surname wheels and all:
Actually, I love the Surname wheels. They "spin up" real nice and other clichés, though if you're "running' the traditional 36-spoke box section Surnames you'll need to "change them out" after you get married.
That's a dated matrimonial reference, but it's not as dated as this:
Bitcoin my scranus, I'm putting all my money in the Cipollini since I'm guessing it will be the only form of currency with any value after the impending global economic collapse.
What's that? You haven't heard about the impending global economic collapse? Oh yeah, it's coming soon and it's going to be a disaster, and this is what it's going to be like afterwards:
Of course, if you want to see the rest it will only cost you $27,000 (not sure why they need $27,000 for ketchup, cogs, and SPD cleats, but then again I'm not a filmmaker), which comes out to about five (5) Mario Cipollini pogs in post-apocalyptic currency:
I wonder if, at least in the case of films, Kickstarter would consider adding a "kill fee" feature, wherein for only twice the amount of the goal the filmmakers promise not to go ahead with the project.
Seems like a bargain in this case.
114 comments:
Aaa Monkeys… ATTACK!!!
Procrastastic!
GA MEOVER
Podesto !!
vsk
Safe Word = A30ctoonl
No Comment.
Black ice....thanks for reminding me that Cliff Burton died and subsequently Metallica.
Hmmm, to post, or to read?
Kickstart the "kill fee".
back in the saddle top 10
hey
cycle
top 10, top baked
What? Are these Dutch Ass Monkeys? I'm not ready for my normal Ass Monkey Panic Attack/Major Freakout until I find out.
"buy your beard a bicycle"
-That's great.
I lost my shirt and dropped my chain. Money, please.
Where's the Kickstarter for the "Biking Dawn" soundtrack? That shit was off the hook.
Herbal Remedy
Wow top Twoonty,
Headed to vet today. My cat is sick.
Don't let the cat eat pasta sauce.
Big messy problems ensue or should I say emanate no scratch that evacuate.
Regardless I feel awful and are very worried.
I hate myself more than normals today.
Jerk Test: 7 uncemers
Opposite of Epic -
Remember when we were talking about the meaning of "Irony"?
I was sitting on a southbound X27 "Express" Bus stuck in rubbernecking traffic looking at the accident while talking to someone who also usually commutes from Bay Ridge to Midtown by bike. We would have been home for a long time by the time the X27 got off at 65-67th Street. At least it was warm in there.
vsk
You want to inseminate your cat?
That's just not right.
Rural something!
Top wherever!
Just visited the pre-post-Bloombergian apocalyptic city with bicycle. Why oh why ride the wrong way on the bike lanes fellow bicyclists? And take out yr earbuds. Not sanctimony here / but I felt bad when I had to body check you whomever you were, riding obliviously straight at me with no lights and my spouse right behind me - you would have crashed into us hard! Instead, you just bounced off a parked car and then yelled at me. Should this be on Craigslist instead? But really...never threaten / only act.
Scranus.
Robot says "howsayna"
rural 14, you should have slayed the salmon with a sprocket to the jugular.
Pour encourager les autres.
if we want some bike lanes we better start pushing for some multi-billion-dollar projects, like maybe a 200-foot wide bicycle superhighway
Now you are figuring it out snobby.
Before the Interwebs was a household thing I would go around my town advocating for bicyle-cycling access. I was an epic failure because I was advocating restriping streets. (AKA Sharrows)
It's got to be big, expensive and obvious. When it comes to bikes, entirely separate from autopia infrastructure because bikes don't belong on their streets.
These days, it needs a revenue component, like BailoutBikes in NYC. Add a toll system and surround your grand elevated bridge system with LCD panels to sell advertising and broadcast Fox news.
Crossovers, the gravel bikes of the car industry.
MMMMM.....lithium!
I guess the secret to riding a unicycle is to wave your arms like a monkey trying to walk in high heels.
I spend all my Wednesdays wisely, thanks. Weed helps. Oh! And merry fucking Christmas to you, too!
The heckling in old-timey cyclo-cross sure was harsh. I guess the gun laws in Europe now make cow bells, rather than rifles, a necessity.
On the other hand, I'm not sure anyone ever actually got shot by a Frenchman or a Belgian, at least not a German.
All in the game man, all in the game.
Death by a zillion brainfarts indeed. Twitter is bad -- New-York-Times bad.
Nice rant today. WOE UNTO THE DESERVING LAMPOONED.
Don't you know, the cause of problems is always located OUTSIDE the car... "black ice," "traffic," "bicyclists," etc.
Rave On, Brother Snob
You hit the thumb with the bespoke hammer.
Road Construction,auto companies, oil industry, politicians, insurance companies, etc. are all one giant inbred, incestuous, immoral family.
Scranus
"never threaten / only act"
AWESOME
If only bicycle-lane bad would fit on my knuckles ...
German Schmugpatrollen?
" like piles of autumn leaves on a planet has been ravaged for its lithium"
Planet That or Planet Which?
Trudging because we are living dead?
How about the bike lane along the Hudson river...down in the 80's they built a lane out on piles along the highway...(of course, cycling gives me piles)
Babs, I just love ya. Can I say that? No reason.
Also and unrelatedly: "Bicycle-lane?" Who the hell wrote such an old-timey phrase, and with a hyphen no less? Was it T. Herman Zweibel?
RIP Cliff
ass-grabs to all the podios
BAK2 WORK
I think the real reason that bike lanes and infrastructure improvements aren't more popular, politically or otherwise, is that most people are lazy and riding a bike takes effort and planning. Thus there aren't enough riders (voters) using them, so no one cares.
It's really that simple.
I hate black ice. It's, like, bicycle-lane bad.
black ice, black ice, black ice.
It's all over the news and now on this bloggie thing.
Please people. White ice is just as bad if not worse. I've cracked my ass on white ice many times but never black ice.
Stop the ice bigotry!
Anon 2:25
I don't buy that. There are plenty of vocal bicyclecyclering taxpayers, and when organized results do follow. Attitudes, not infrastructure, are the problem.
Admittedly, my view is skewed (and screwed)'cause I live in an area (DC Metro) were bicycle infrastructure has made progress. But my travels around the country find bicycle infrastructure developments in places - small towns/cities - where I would not have expected.
So how do you win the hearts and minds of the cagers? They are a miserable lot and hate you for getting places easier, for slowing them down, for making them pay attention, etc. Maybe in 50 years ... about the same time line as Snobbers big pork barrel bike lane.
I see the breaks have stopped.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpOEO2gUekE#t=18s
Black ice is a mutha fucka.
Put the breaks on "breaks!"
I learned three things commuting this morning.
1. The plowing of bike lanes before streets is an urban myth.
2. TA gives away coffee on the Manhattan Bridge just for signing a petition politely asking not be killed on Atlantic Avenue.
3. My dog intends to fund his holiday shopping by posting cell phone video of this morning's commute on Kick Starter and seeking backers for a full length feature. I could understand calling it "Citi Bikes on Ice" because that sounds holiday themed, but he's sticking with "Braking Bad."
4. I'm probably getting a chewed sock for the holidays.
Okay, that's four things. But I'll forget a couple.
I always forget this:
5. Never lend your smart phone to my dog and his buddies. They text pictures of their butts. He says it's a canine thing; I wouldn't understand. The folks on my contact list also don't understand.
Samuel L
Black Ice, muthafucka!
In Holland they put mayonnaise on black ice. I seen 'em do it!
Yes, I'm always amazed that people become dumbfounded by the fact that a thin layer of water goes from liquid in the sunny daytime to frozen once the sun goes down, especially when said water is on a bridge or overpass when freezing happens faster because of the absence of a geothermal mass (a.k.a the ground).
Biking Dawn babe slaying bad guys with a sprocket throw to the jugular...an ex-girlfriend tried that on me. Missed me by thatmuch.
"bikelane bad" fuck them. How about using "New York Post Bad" when referring to shitty hack journalism. e.g. man that story in the New York Post was New York Post Bad.
They drown 'em in that shit...
Vancouver would have been defenseless against an attack of Germans on folding bicycles, right Bab Bab?
Be careful out there, that black ice is for real -- you could slip & brake something...
Mr. Wizard: Thanks for taking the time to explain that!
Sourkraut
probably more worried about the japanese on folding bikes.
the us was. the us built the "longest highway tunnel in North America" in 41-43 because they were afraid of the japanese invading alaska.
As expected, bieks are banned from the tunnel. A railroad tunnel that allows cars in it.
The end is neigh.
The bay area is in its driest year in ~ 150 years of recording. Farmers are fucked. Scientists' predictions smacketh the face of red faced, fat assed, bible humping, republican climate change deniers.
Anon 2:55, I think you hit the nail on the head with the "make them pay attention" comment. Driving is supposed to be easy and stress-free compared to the tedious labor of walking or riding a bike. Being forced to use caution while operating a large, deadly machine seems like an intolerable imposition. That's the best I can figure.
Like you I've been quite surprised at where I've seen infrastructure popping up, though. Syracuse! Who knew?!
I still chuckle every time I see a sign for the "Go Anus" expressway. The Gowanus is the spot that encompasses the anus and the scranus, and I could describe a sex thing I do that drives the ladies nuts, but I'd have to kill y'all, you could not handle the power.
GOOO ANUS
Neigh: a characteristic high-pitched sound uttered by a horse.
Sure the climate's a-changing. It has been since the world was created. In fact, it's been getting warmer for at least 20,000 years, not counting a cold spell about 13,000 years ago.
So, really, the end isn't nigh, or now either.
the us built the "longest highway tunnel in North America" in 41-43 because they were afraid of the japanese invading alaska.
I have a theory that those high-hiked pants that were in fashion in the 40s in America cut off testicular circulation and caused middle-aged men to get retarded.
Same thing is happening today with skinny jeans.
The Japanese did invade Alaska, or at least a few of the Aleutian Islands.
http://techenvy.com/hack/mad-max-electric-bike
A Mad Max looking bike.
The robot test is MUCH HARDER
che?
http://modernsurvivalblog.com/preps/which-bicycle-is-best-for-survival/
http://modernsurvivalblog.com/preps/which-bicycle-is-best-for-survival/
nay-saying, bible humper etc...
Any chance noxious fumes, greenhouse gases, pollution exacerbate the climate change?
No! Right? Never, never, never...
Leroy,
My wife and I work with a group that traps and neuters feral cats. One volunteer thought a recent trappee looked as if it had worms, and was asked to take a photo of the cat's butt and send it to one of the experts in the group. She did -- but instead accidentally sent it to a partner in the law firm where she works. Partner was very confused to get a cat-butt shot from a co-worker.
I really like makin town runs with baby girl. We have a system where I ride in the back and yell CAR BACK (so she makes no erratic moves, I am not an anal car backer) and every time when the car goes by she yells CAR FRONT! But not ironically, very seriously. Car front, indeed.
First, I need to be more careful with my editing.
Second, the biggest reason there's a lot of hoopla surrounding climate change is because,
you guessed it,
there is big money to be made from "Climate Change" ;) ;).
They're selling you Chicken Little's a bill of goods in the hopes that the Govt. will send some money their way, to pay for or subsidize whatever the scam is, be it carbon offsets, inefficient sustainable energy, or just trying to bottle cattle farts.
By the way, I'm often complemented by believers who think I am, by riding a bike, reducing my carbon footprint.
I always tell them "no, I'm reducing my lardy buttprint".
So if you want to by or some carbon offsets, or pay more for wind or solar energy, knock yourself out.
Better yet, get onto kickstater and sell shares in a carbon offset business. Let us know how many believers are willing to fork out their own money for the pipe dream.
I thought you were gonna be more careful with your editing.....
Chickens vs Ostriches. Place yer bets.
Here we go.
Can't wait to see the dancing Robs Fords in tomorrow's post..
I thought the Golden Age was when a cougar got too drunk and lost her bladder on you doing ride em cowgirl. I got to get out more.
Robs Fords has jumped the shark.
It looks like was over-zealous with my editing.
I don't care enough to retype it all again.
To summarize, there's big money in Climate Change. All you've got to do is sell it to whomever is buying. Better yet, get the Gov. to spending tax dollars for poor results.
Gotta ride, and reduce my lardy buttprint.
Looks like my post reappeared, with all the bad punctuation intact.
Indeed, Climate Change is big business.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Energy_subsidies
A 2011 study by the consulting firm Management Information Services, Inc. (MISI)[7] estimated the total historical federal subsidies for various energy sources over the years 1950–2010.
The study found that oil, natural gas, and coal received $369 billion, $121 billion, and $104 billion (2010 dollars), respectively, or 70% of total energy subsidies over that period.
Oil, natural gas, and coal benefitted most from percentage depletion allowances and other tax-based subsidies, but oil also benefitted heavily from regulatory subsidies such as exemptions from price controls and higher-than-average rates of return allowed on oil pipelines.
The MISI report found that non-hydro renewable energy (primarily wind and solar) benefitted from $74 billion in federal subsidies, or 9% of the total, largely in the form of tax policy and direct federal expenditures on research and development (R&D).
Nuclear power benefitted from $73 billion in federal subsidies, 9% of the total, largely in the form of R&D, while hydro power received $90 billion in federal subsidies, 12% of the total.
Dear Mr. Crosspalms --
I think your work with feral cats is comendable.
My dog, however, says it reminds him of why he and his friends never accept bacon from strangers driving vans.
Of course, he just texted me a photo of his butt next to a tequila bottle asking if he has a worm.
I'd call him an asshole, but that would only get another text.
I'd call him an Anthony Weiner, but that would be even worse.
How much did the Govt. make from oil and gas leases, in-kind royalties, taxes at the pump, and income and corporate taxes?
Here you go..
"As a tremendous source of revenue that fuels the U.S. economy, major energy producers pay their fair share: the oil and natural gas industry pays income taxes, royalties and other fees totaling nearly $86 million every day. The industry also pays the federal government significant rents, royalties and lease payments for production—totaling more than $100 billion since 2000.
Supporting our economy, U.S. energy companies pay income taxes at an effective rate far higher than most other manufacturing companies. In 2011, oil and natural gas industry income tax expenses (as a share of net income before income taxes) averaged 40.6 percent, compared to 25.1 percent for other S&P Industrial companies.
- See more at: http://energytomorrow.org/economy/taxes#sthash.G5jEU7a2.dpuf
Here's some more.
...federal and state taxes on gasoline production and imports have been climbing steadily since the late 1970s and now total roughly $58.4 billion. Due in part to substantial hikes in the federal gasoline excise tax in 1983, 1990, and 1993, annual tax revenues have continued to grow. Since 1977, governments collected more than $1.34 trillion, after adjusting for inflation, in gasoline tax revenues—more than twice the amount of domestic profits earned by major U.S. oil companies during the same period.
As illustrated in Table 1, since 1977, there have been only three years (1980, 1981, and 1982) in which domestic oil industry profits exceeded government gas tax collections. In the remaining years, gasoline tax collections consistently exceeded oil industry profits, reaching a peak in 1995 when gas tax collections outpaced industry profits by a factor of 7.3
http://taxfoundation.org/article/state-and-federal-treasuries-profit-more-gasoline-sales-us-oil-industry
Well I'll be durned. I misspelled "commendable."
Boy is my face red.
Maybe not as red as Mr. Bible Thumper's.
That feller needs a Xanax. And maybe a cellphone to hold so folks don't think he's talking to himself.
I've heard of the feral cat problem and trap and neuter as a solution.
I think it's only fair to tell the tom cats that they are going to get "testicle enhancement surgery" , substitute a large pair of bragging size neuticles for the real thing, and let the toms go back to the underpass, dumpster, crack house, or wherever they live.
Then they can brag and shame the lesser toms into jumping into the trap.
I'm in the wrong business.
No anxiety here, especially about climate change.
Any old way, it looks like all those subsidies (also known as tax breaks) are necessary just so the energy companies can afford produce a product for the govt. to tax.
It's not like govt. subsidies for solar, so that the CEOs can pay themselves big bonuses before the company is completely bankrupt.
That's a hoot, I don't suppose there's any money to be made from climate change denial?
Turns out there is, and it's called THE ENTIRE WORLD ECONOMY - GDP $71,830,000,000,000 in US dollars. I guess you pasted in some crap about some subsidy or other, amounting to maybe half a percent of this number here? Very impressive.
It's math son, but you're too dumb to understand that, and you took your leave of all things real and rational the minute you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord & savior. Don't pretend to go on a bike ride either, I'll be here posting replies and being right, long after you're dead. Just kidding I'm leaving now.
@ anonymous 344,
nothing is fukked, dude....
http://www.weatherwest.com/
Hmmmn. well, maybe I'll just say maybe things is just getting interesting:
The Ridiculously Resilient Ridge of 2013
RRR
Heathcote oncehey
The Good Lord will 'Bring to ruin those ruining the earth'. The Bible says so so it must be true. ALL you of little faith will burn forever in the LAKE OF FIRE! The GOD OF LOVE says it will come to pass just like when I'm not helping sinners to repent I get out on my road bike and come to pass too.
Ingrown foot cleats is a start for a movie idea. A bad start. From bad to worse is an ingrown air pump -you know where. Worse yet, a permantly attached helmet, oh no! An ingrown saddle.
There's more fodder for the anti-bike crowd. The Krauts used 'em in the war!
Dorothy Rabinowitz remembers when all those young boys went over there to fight Jerry.
http://www.medgadget.com/2012/09/automatic-sperm-extractor-for-automatic-sperm-extraction.html
Roille Figners - OMG yes, yes you may, and thank you kindly. :D
The feeling is mutual.
Vincent Vega - and if mayo won't fix it, chances are good duct tape will.
Sourkraut - I think it was the Japanese who presented the only real threat. Our little shit show would have been absolutely useless if anyone had come a knockin' though. Course.
And climate change denier? What do you propose, then? Do we need more oil spills like BP's pretty little mess in the Gulf? Do we need to subsidize more poison in our waters so we can frack the fuck out of our fresh water supplies? Do we need to proliferate pipelines and tankers, or can we allow a little sanity into our world and take a step back from petro-development for a bit? Just curious.
This is awesome. So glad I made popcorn. Who's winning?
I've never read through a thread this late in the day before.
Do they all devolve into climate change flame wars?
King - it's either that or oral sex.
No, they devolve into a silly race for 100th comment…
C.mon, it's late but WIWM is here somewhere…
Pull hard, (damn these captchas are annoying), come around, it's the plan…
and the
winner is:
100th, bitches!
Fucking genius rims with my surname on them. And box sectioned or something I just read box.
wiwm is better than you
No to be racist or anything, but I hear that black ice is bigger than white ice.
wiwm is better than you(TM).
Is it worth leaving a comment 10PM pacific time? as always
Blazing hilarity bike snob! Wake up in the AM still laughing.
totes magoats
CIPO POGS
How many degrees of seperation is there between knuckle tattoos and a gaily placed earring?
I just watched a vid if bsnyc and to my horror discovered he is pierced..
Snob, if we ever meet I'm gonna do this to your earring.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Mvxe04wGmTw&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMvxe04wGmTw
Interesting....
Also, nobody says muthafucka like Samuel L Jackson.
Nobody.
2221 25265285
What?
What the hell is an "Aaa" Monkey?
MUTHAFUCKA!!!
Anonymous 8:51am,
Hilarious Austin Powers reverence.
I have a pierced mole on my scranus you're welcome to stare at. I'll let you get real close.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
Euro Spondee:
Don't forget the vibrator conversations.
DB - true that. They could of course be combined....
Snob - stop dallying in the comments section and get your daily out already.
Nice article.
e juice
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