Seasons Greetings from New York City, birthplace of the expression "bicycle-lane bad:"
Simply put, Bloomberg was a mayor of tremendous consequence. Not all his ideas were good ones — some were bicycle-lane bad — but virtually all were big ones. Small ball was never his game.
Yes, here the bicycle lane is synonymous with the very worst our city has to offer. That's why bike lanes are causing 30-car pile-ups on the Gowanus:
One driver, who was headed to the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, told the Daily News, "I slid for about 20 seconds. I screamed, ‘I can’t stop.' I feel lucky. There was a bus behind us. If it hadn’t been able to stop, we would have been dead."
Right. Because no trains go to Rockefeller Center.
By the way, if you think 30-car pile-ups are an argument against driving when it comes to urban planning, think again. I mean, look at all the money changing hands here! Police overtime, towtrucks, insurance companies, auto repair shops... This isn't an "accident," it's a freaking bonanza! This is why those poor hapless bike advocates need to stop arguing that bike infrastructure makes sense because it's "inexpensive." Uh, don't you get it? Inexpensive is no good! Get the granola out of your ears, for chrissakes. When you build a highway a lot of people get rich! Politicians, contractors, supply companies... Meanwhile, who's getting paid when they slap some green paint on Prospect Park West? Nobody, that's who. It's a few gallons of Benjamin Moore from Pintchik, big fucking deal.
No, if we want some bike lanes we better start pushing for some multi-billion-dollar projects, like maybe a 200-foot wide bicycle superhighway from Staten Island to the Canadian border. See, a lot of people would stand to gain from building a great big shitshow like that--and that's when the bribes start to flow and the politicians get their asses in gear. Then, before you know it, you've got the green light, and 50 years later ground has been broken.
Meanwhile, in other news, today is an auspicious day since it marks the 300 millionth time someone has emailed or otherwise alerted me to the "Copenhagen Wheel:"
You know what? Screw this smug piece of crap. I don't want to turn my "ordinary bicycle" into a "smart electric hybrid," and I especially don't want to "connect it to my smartphone." I hate my fucking smartphone!
Sure, I'm addicted to it like every other asshole out there, but that doesn't mean I don't hate it. Hate it! If I were to suddenly become a billionaire (I'm already a millionaire, obviously) the only lifestyle change I'd make would be that I'd smash my smartphone to bits every time it annoyed me, which is like every three seconds. For fuck's sake, is there anything worse than Twitter? It's death by a zillion brainfarts! And these people think they're going to save the earth with their dumb little wheel that connects to your phone? Please. In 75 years, when we're all trudging knee-deep through discarded smartphones like piles of autumn leaves on a planet has been ravaged for its lithium, we'll wish we could go back to the days of analog bicycles.
But it will be too late.
Then we'll all be dead.
Merry Fucking Chrismas.
But enough gloom and doom. Let's watch cyclocross videos!
As you can see, the sport has changed very little over the years, except back then the bikes folded and you occasionally turned around and took a shot at one of your competitors:
Yeah, cyclocross used to be cool before WWI, but by WWII it started getting lame, and then the hipsters came along and ruined everything:
What with their trendy Surname wheels and all:
Actually, I love the Surname wheels. They "spin up" real nice and other clichés, though if you're "running' the traditional 36-spoke box section Surnames you'll need to "change them out" after you get married.
That's a dated matrimonial reference, but it's not as dated as this:
Bitcoin my scranus, I'm putting all my money in the Cipollini since I'm guessing it will be the only form of currency with any value after the impending global economic collapse.
What's that? You haven't heard about the impending global economic collapse? Oh yeah, it's coming soon and it's going to be a disaster, and this is what it's going to be like afterwards:
Of course, if you want to see the rest it will only cost you $27,000 (not sure why they need $27,000 for ketchup, cogs, and SPD cleats, but then again I'm not a filmmaker), which comes out to about five (5) Mario Cipollini pogs in post-apocalyptic currency:
I wonder if, at least in the case of films, Kickstarter would consider adding a "kill fee" feature, wherein for only twice the amount of the goal the filmmakers promise not to go ahead with the project.
Seems like a bargain in this case.