I Screwed up, and I own it.
Hear that everybody? Mike Sinyard owns "I screwed up," so you're not allowed to say that or else Specialized will sue. Also officially off the table are "My bad," "That one's on me," and "Oi, what a right cockup I done caused, guv'nor, shiver me timbers and God shave the Queen," all of which are now model names for new Specialized products currently in development, such as the S-Works Oi, What a Right Cockup I Done Caused, Guv'nor, Shiver Me Timbers and God Shave the Queen semi-non-portable air compressor and tubeless tire seater:
Yes, it's semi-non-portable because, while it does have wheels, it's also the size of a Golden Retriever and weighs about 150lbs, so you'll have to tow it in the dedicated S-Works My Bad air compressor trailer.
Other than that, it's perfect for those quick trailside repairs.
Anyway, then Sinyard continues:
I would like to apologize and let everyone know I realize I handled this situation wrong from the start and I’m very sorry for that. As many of you have probably already seen by now, I went up to Café Roubaix to meet with Dan in person to apologize and make good with him. Café Roubaix will continue on with its name. The video is up on Café Roubaix's Facebook page. Dan is the real deal, after meeting him I realize this and am embarrassed by how ridiculous this is. What happened was wrong. There are no excuses but I do feel like I owe it to you all to explain how we found ourselves in this situation, the lessons we've learned from it and, most importantly, how it will change the way we do things moving forward.
I'm glad to hear they're going to change the way they do things only after being ridiculed to death for it, but I think they also need to put Mike Sinyard in the wind tunnel and work on streamlining his apologizing technique. I mean, come on, look at the puss on this guy!
And it just goes from bad to worse:
That's not even the start of the apology proper, and once Sinyard finally gets into it you can tell from his gesticulations that he's fantasizing about throttling the guy:
In fact, the only time he cracks a smile is when he's talking about how aggressive his lawyers are:
("Off they go!," says Sinyard gleefully with a glint in his eye.)
Oh yeah, he's relishing the thought:
(A deer, mere moments after announcing he's just taken an "Epic®" dump.)
Then, finally, they clasp hands meaningfully like they just brokered peace in the Middle East, even though all they did was make about two and a half minutes of nice after the world's most Fredly Internet bike retail slapfight:
And then Sinyard's like "Get me the fuck outta here:"
At which point his henchfreds summon the S-Works 1:
Those cracks are nothing to worry about, they're just in the clearcoat, a kid in the shop checked them out.
Of course, awkwardly for Sinyard, just as all this was winding down another company by the name of "Epix" announced it was also getting the red "S" treatment:
Sadly, Specialized is doing the same to Epix now. I received a letter today from their lawyers- Our logo is in their eyes too similar to their "Epic" MTB frames logo. The text is DIFFERENT. The logo stylization is DIFFERENT. We are not competing for the same clients (apparel vs frames). They are over-reaching, as they did with the Roubaix bike shop. They withdrew that case thanks to social media pressure, and we would be very grateful if everyone could support us in our efforts to fight this!
And they had their work cut out for them too, since while Café Roubaix was a cool road bike shop run by a Canadian war vet, Epix sells stuff that looks like this:
So naturally all the cool bike people who were tweeting their brains out over the Roubaix fiasco were all like, "We're tired now," and barely mustered up the energy for a retweet on behalf of the poor tridorks at Epix.
Nevertheless, it looks like Specialized at least "retracted the cease and desist letter" to Epix, but at this point it's getting difficult to keep track.
(Of course, I'm totally in favor of sending a "cease and desist" letter to anybody wearing that outfit, but that's a separate issue.)
But to be fair to Specialized, ostensibly their main concern is fighting counterfeiting, and they claim explosive fake Specializeds are failing and de-facing unsuspecting bargain-hungry Freds with alarming regularity:
In fact, they're under "sustained attack:"
“We’re under sustained attack right now.”
Love, whose full time job is to hunt forgeries, shut down US$20,000 of counterfeit business in 2007 but saw that figure escalate to a massive US$5.2m in 2012. “We’re already halfway there this year,” he said, adding that quality of the counterfeits was “all over the place” but the best was improving all the time, making it harder for consumers to spot fakes.
Hey, I'm not crazy about the way Specialized do business, but I'd take the job of "International Fred Of Mystery" in a second. I bet you get to do all sorts of neat cloak-and-dagger stuff, and maybe you even get to shoot enemy agents with a gun disguised as a mini-ump.
But yeah, if only there were some way to crack down hard on people who sell counterfeit products yet not bother the people who sell stuff that could only be mistaken for yours if you're looking at it from the bottom of a swimming pool.
Maybe one day they'll figure it out.
Meanwhile, in other news, you can now buy the world's most lopsided chainrings:
Scoff if you will, but here's a video from the manufacturer's website proving conclusively that they are in fact not round:
They're also endorsed by Bernard Hinault, who last won the Tour de France over a quarter century ago on a bicycle with normal chainrings, and who will tackle the fuck out of you if you dare set foot on his podium:
Lastly, here's something creepy:
Counterfeit that. I dare you.