Thursday, August 22, 2013

This Just In: I'm Off To Another Hemisphere! (I'll give you three guesses which one.)

New Zealand:



(New Zealand: Now with 30% more zeal than the old Zealand!)

About a thousand or so miles off the coast of this world power is an obscure island nation-state called "Australia."  Famous Australians include Paul Hogan:


Yahoo Serious:


Tour de France winner Cadel Evans:


And I can't really think of anybody else.

Well, as I've mentioned ad nauseum (Latin for "just add vomit"), next week I'm going to Australia, and in particular Melbourne, which is an Australian city where they're having a Melbourne Writers Festival and I'm part of the festivities:


For those of you who will be attending the festival I look forward to seeing you, and as for the rest of you what this means is that I won't be posting from now (well, after this post) until Tuesday, September 3rd, at which point I will resume regular updates--at least until my next trip, but I can't even wrap my head around that at this point since all I can think about right now is how freaking far away Australia is.

Flights this long are like a slow-motion kick in the "pants yabbies."

As for why I won't be posting from Australia, well it's possible I might anyway, but I'm assuming I won't because busy jetlag other excuses blahblahblah.

Oh, I just remembered more famous Australians!  Midnight Oil!


(Can you sleep while your bed is burning?  Because I can't.)

Wait, is that Midnight Oil?  I always get my Australian rock bands confused.  Which is the one with the guy who wanked himself to death?

Oh, whatever, I'll figure it out while I'm there.

Oh, more news!  As I mentioned awhile back, my most recent book, "Bike Snob Ahoy!" would be the last full-length Bike Snob book, and I qualified that because the little period at the end of the trilogy of books I have writ is this "Bike Snob Journal," available as of...now!



This journal from blogger and cyclist BikeSnobNYC features tips, tricks, and rules for the road alongside classic cycling wisdom from famous bike lovers. With plenty of space for recording musings while cycling around the city or countryside, the Bike Snob Journal is the perfect addition to any cyclist’s tool kit.

Basically, think of it as a fun book of aphorisms to read on the toilet that also you can write in.  I love mine, and I've been using it quite a bit:


Get it at your favorite bookstore, online retailer, cutesy paper store, or wherever fine toilet books that you can write in are sold.

Also, I've hidden the above copy in the New York Public Library on 42nd Street and 5th Avenue and it's yours if you want it:


Here's a clue:


I have no idea if that's enough for you to find the book, but if you're adept at the library sciences and the Dewey Decimal System and all that stuff maybe you can find it--assuming it's still there, that is.

Good luck.

And yeah, no more "Bike Snob" books after this, short and toilety or otherwise, at least for the foreseeable future.

Oh, before I go, further to yesterday's post, it looks like the cyclist that cabbie was trying to ram has a bit of a temper:

“You don’t know who you are messing with! I will stab you! I will decapitate you! I will kill you and your family!” Kenneth Olivo, 40, allegedly snarled in a McDonald’s at 545 Sixth Ave. on April 28.

“You don’t know what I have up my arm,” he said, pointing to his sleeve and implying that he had a knife to threaten a man who had objected when Olivo kicked a dog, according to authorities.

Yeah, see, this is the "other kind" of messenger--you know, the ones that don't get sponsorships from designer bike clothing companies or featured in moody Vimeo documentaries.

Honestly, though, who hasn't threatened to decapitate someone's entire family at a McDonald's?

You don't come between a man and his McRib.

Anyway, it's too bad people will seize on this to blame the cyclist instead of the driver--who now says his job is "too stressful:"



Mohammed Faysal Himon tells the New York Post that "I need a more suitable job."

Yeah, no shit you do.  How about making license plates?

Oh, also, he's changing is story:

He says Tuesday's accident happened after he accelerated to get around a bicyclist who he says pounded on his car and yelled at him.

Oh, really?  I thought you accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

Ah, whatever.  We all know how it works: the driver gets to try on as many stories as he wants until he finds one that fits.  When I was sideswiped from behind some years back, the driver explained to me with a shrug that "I thought I could get around you."  Oopsie!  You couldn't.  Instead you sent me sprawling on a busy avenue in evening rush-hour traffic.  However, what she told the police and the insurance company was that I hit her--because, you know, I make a habit of riding my bicycle into cars in reverse.

As for the messenger pounding on the cab and hitting it, that shouldn't matter.  I don't care if the messenger slapped the cabbie across the face with his dick.  Whatever happened, the cabbie tried to assault the cyclist with his car, he missed, and he ripped off a woman's legs instead.

I suspect the next story the cabbie tries on for size is that the cyclist threatened him with a weapon and he was merely attempting to run him over in self-defense.

To be honest, I'm still depressed over this story.  I'm not sure why.  It's not like there aren't a million horrific stories in New York City and beyond to feel miserable about, bike-related and otherwise.  I suppose I'm fixed on this one because I can relate to that feeling of being in a new city for the first time, jetlagged and awestruck by the landmarks you've only seen in movies or on TV.  Your brain's still at home but your body is in this new place and it's thrillingly surreal.  So I can imagine how the victim must have been feeling right before this happened.

It also sticks in my head because I think of how, despite the crazy cab drivers and death threats in McDonald's, New York City is an incredible place.  You can have three transcendent experiences on a single subway trip here.  The buskers train at Juilliard.  I think you have to be pretty detached from life if your eyes don't mist over from the beauty on display at least once every few weeks.  But for this person the city will never be that way.  It will just be the place where she lost her leg.

SMILEY FACE!!!


Oh, and just because there's beauty here it doesn't mean New York City isn't also a shitshow.  Consider this:


A couple of cocktails at the Wythe Hotel led to beers at Mable’s Smokehouse and a nightcap at Post Office, a dive-like whiskey bar. After four or five drinks, they undocked a pair of blue bikes and rode home over the Williamsburg Bridge.

As usual, Shawn sped ahead, and as they ascended over the East River, he turned around to see where his girlfriend was. That’s when he lost his balance, kicked his foot into a bridge railing and broke his toe.

Cat 6-ing your girlfriend on a Citi Bike on the Williamsburg bridge and then crashing into a railing and breaking your toe?

Now that's just pathetic.

And with that, I conclude my broadcast day.  I look forward to meeting some of you in Melbourne, and as for the rest of you, what can I tell you?  You're on your own.  So ride safe, enjoy the rest of summer, and I look forward to "seeing" you again on Tuesday, September 3rd.

Your's Truely,


--Wildcat Rock Machine







348 comments:

1 – 200 of 348   Newer›   Newest»
DerZoots said...

PO FUCKING DIUMZZZZZZZZZ







Roboto Stoppero: 82 lyingCl

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Just haning around at the front.

DerZoots said...

No FOOOOKING REEEEDINDDDDZZZZZZZZZZZ


I livedede in TN oneced. Asshole three shit at me all the time..

FUCK YER BIBLE BELT AMERICAH.



Rboto zono: ngiaeri 36

Anonymous said...

Top of the heap yeah Cleveland

BMXican said...

Fumar mota cada dia!

ChamoisJuice said...

TRADITION is fucked, yet so emotionally satifying.
UCI vs. orthodox judaism. Equally absurd.

Anonymous said...

Hell yes. Pipped at the line!

Anonymous said...

err, Top 10?

Tetanus the Clown said...

Top ten

Anonymous said...

You forgot Chopper! OY!

Anonymous said...

Hope you are in biz class...

Buffalo Bill said...

Hey wildcat! Put another shrimp on the barbie!

ChamoisJuice said...

DON'T YOU KNOW THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM?!?!?!

just_chester said...

read it too.

I said it yesterday, I'll say it again, worst case for the cab driver is a misdemeanor plea.

Now that they can blame the messenger, it will be less than that.

If you ever messengered for wages, it's not a living, you probably worked with one or more just like him.

crosspalms said...

Safe journey, Wildcat, and be sure to chat up Boris Johnson at the festival.

Anonymous said...

Podium, bitchez!

Jimboner said...

Ass Pony!







craptcha "86 nyu man" no kidding?

crosspalms said...

Oh, and if my wife read your blog she'd have one word for the flight: Ambien.

samh said...

Damn you New Yorkers who live near the library!

BamaPhred said...

Yes the girl losing her legs to idiot driver has me numb too. So what if the messenger is a jerk. Cabbie is responsible for two tons of machinery. Is 10 seconds to avoid jerkwad messenger too much out of your life? Was it worth it? Same is true for all of these surburb-barbarianites.Is waiting 5 seconds for me going to ruin your life to get to the mall/kiddie activity/restaurant. GAAAHHH

No one wants to hear a rant.

Anonymous said...

"I was bored" is the new "my foot slipped". Hate is as hate does. Watch your back down unda!

DerZoots said...

I like rants.

That was a good one.
You made up a cool word and finished with an exasperated exasperance.

Good show BamaPhred



Robot stopper: 823 tripwa

Anonymous said...

What about AC/DC?

grog said...

Say G'day to Sheila for me!
Send postcards.

DB said...

Oh,no.
What are we going to do for almost two weeks?
Have a good time, Snob, and try to throw us a post from Austria or wherever if you can.

Leroy, Babs, McFly, Crosspalms, RCT, SR, etc: who's in charge until the 3rd?

Marcel Da Chump said...

NY Post editor: " dig up some dirt on that messenger!"

JB said...

If you're taking that much time off, you'd better be bringing the wife and gaggle of children with you!

DerZoots said...

I'm in charge until the 3rd!
No job and PODIUM twice!

Now everybody make some talking jokes possibly with links, nice html style linkways, or even sneaky links in your name. I like those.

As you were.



Robot Test: ignotten 58

Oh that is a cool one. Theya re their own jokes at times. Like e horse books.

Boston's Inferiority Complex said...

DB - we all know ChamoisJuice wants to be in charge, but I think it should be leroy's dog.

RANTWICK said...

Bon Voyage Wildcat! As much as I will miss your posts, please don't be tempted to blog it up even a little while you're away... you've got your whole life for that shit.

Nice finish there RCT!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm sure this ship of fools will steer itself as it always does.

Lobspeed on your planetary sojourn Wildcat.

Auawang 431

babble on said...

We'll miss you, Wildcat - happy trails! Please tweet! xo xo

I'm riding my bike to Hornby Island, after a quick trip to Keats first, though as I lack a proper set of pontoons, BC Ferries will take care of the water crossings. It's my very favourite journey, because it transports me to Bagshot Row and a time and place far from the rat race. My hairy toes and I feel quite at home there, even if I am much larger than your average hobbit.

(Fortunately we have wi-fi, so I'll stay in touch! Maybe I'll finish today's post before too long, though another gorgeous day calls, and my tires are pumped. :)

babble on said...

Kisses Zootster and RCT!

Anonymous said...

Goodbye Wildcat! I went bike camping last weekend but we didn't quite make it to Asstrailia.

-slothonthebeach

McFly said...

When you said "slapped across the face with his dick" it made me think of Babble.

And my dick.

Boston's Inferiority Complex said...

anywho - WCRM: happy contrails!

and advice from the captia:

hugaman 235

babble on said...

WOOOOOOT! There is a hero in your midst down there in Canada's scranus.

Did you hear about the elementary school secretary who talked a twenty year old gunman into surrendering himself instead of shooting a bunch of kids?

babble on said...

Aw shucks, McFly. You're too kind.

Comment deleted said...

Bon Voyage, snobby. I hear tell melatonin and exactly one cocktail might allow you to sleep a little during your slow-motion kick to the scranus.

Anonymous said...

AC/DC indeed. All other Australian bands grow up *wanting* to be AC/DC.

DerZoots said...

OOoooohoo Imma totally blushing right now.
Kisses from teh Babbles.
Swoon and whatnot etc.





Get out of my way robo test: nsorylr 3

Steve Tilford Has a Posse said...

Steve Tilford thinks sunscreen may not work.
Related: Where have all the freckles gone?

RoadQueen said...

DerZoots and RCT Podio Kisses from me, too!

*MUAH-MUAH*

I realise that everything in NYC is a dog and pony show, but I really wish it weren't.

I also wish that people didn't drop all of their IQ points when in groups of more than three.

A person is smart. People are dumb.

They should be looking at each accident as an individual case, and look at the facts with common sense and intelligence.

I know, I know...dream on.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely no cycling content (as if that were a requirement), but this would be uproariously funny if there had not been two deaths as a result:
"Creation Museum worker struck by lightning"

[sorry, i don't know how to do those imbedded link thingies]

RoadQueen said...

Oh, not only common sense and intelligence, but without prejudice as well.

Wish in one hand...

That's why the lady holding the Scales of Justice is blindfolded, right? Isn't that what "The Law" of the land is supposed to do?

Or maybe they confused the meaning of the blindfold, and took it to mean that they're supposed to turn a blind eye to who they want...

Too frustrating to think about anymore. I'm going to go foff off.

RoadQueen said...

Oh, and safe travels Snob. May your flight be safe, and your landing be intentional.

DerZoots said...

Oh I'm double the blushing now.

Only cure for this is moar wednesday style weedz on a thursingday.



Carry on.

Too high for robot check: one, two, one, two what is this!

thatuty 95

BamaPhred said...

Blame it on RCT and his ship of fools post

Snob told us he was going to leave us alone
My Boss told me Phred come on home
Quittin the hard drugs aint never easy
Oh! But Snobby's blogging is much to strong
I'm addicted to this
Chain Chain Chain...
Chain of fools

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the free book Snob. Hope it does not further enrage your Australian reader(s) that you are charging them $$$$ while you shower freebies on yr New York audience. Actually I hope it does. Safe travels.

P. Bateman said...

on my own? what do you mean on my own?

what in the HELL am i supposed to do on my own?

dear god snobbola 2 damn weeks on my own?

by the way, the melbourne in FL is way better than the one in austrailaia.

by the way, the band Pelican has an album that sort of looks like australia, but its actually Australasia and its damn good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr2SGAtzF1I

Fritz said...

best thing for a long plane ride is a pair of 33db ear plugs, can't hear the crying babies or the mechanical whirr or the captain's blather, ahh quiet

bon voyage

DB said...

Wonder if we can hit 500 comments before Snobby comes home?
What's the record?

ChamoisJuice said...

I am busy at work right now. I will make fun of abo's, aussies, NYC cat 6 race of life, haw goddamn superior/hypocritcal/condescending/detached from other lifestyles the typical NYC resident worldview is, the true value of man, good vs bad, later when I am higher than cat shit.

Real qucik, What is the best way to get rid of fleas? From an apartment, not a dog.

FLEA GIRL

RoadQueen said...

CJ, to get rid of fleas in the carpeting, use Borax. LIke the laundry soap.

Sprinkle it all over, wait a few days, then vacuum.

Repeat the process in exactly 13 days, leaving it in the carpet for 3 days.

Flea eggs take 14 days to hatch. Borax will kill the fleas, but will not harm you or your belongings.

If you spill any liquid on your carpet it will make suds, though.

Anonymous said...

BamaPhred,


Your choice to play with bicycles is strange when you've got a perfectly good f150(?) to use everyday.

Your holy war on 'merkan values by asking 'merkans to slow down, perhaps be a little less self-involved will fail 'cause merkuh is #1!

It's no-fly list for you buddy.

Vegemite Sandwich said...

Eat me!

Regular guy said...

What is even more pathetic is that "Shawn" had four or five drinks at a "Dive-like" whiskey bar. What the hell is that? Some Disneyesque tourist attraction? And is this the "Shawn" from the babe-and-picnic portage video from a few weeks ago?

If so, he sure made a mistake letting his girl ride her own damn bike.

RoadQueen said...

Final thought:

CJ, if the fleas are biting in the pants yabbies, you may want to seek different treatment options.

Those aren't fleas. Those bugs have a more aquatic-themed name.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

CJ has got popcorn shrimp in his pants. How the heck does that happen?

JB said...

Fleas: bug bombs (or two) for each room.

RoadQueen said...

RCT!!!!! NO SHRIMP IN THE PANTS TALK!!!!!

GAAAAAAAH!

each time I finally forget about that stupid mud shrimp story, someone's gotta bring it up. *sigh*

More nightmares for me.

wishiwasmerckx said...

"In the unlikely event of an overwater landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device."

There is some irony to being kept afloat by your own farts, though.

"In case of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from overhead. To use, secure the strap and breathe normally. If you are travelling with a small child, secure your mask first."

And if you are travelling with more than one of your 17 children, apparently you will have to pick a favorite. Sophie's choice.

And should the plane lose an engine, worry not. They are designed and engineered to fly on one engine all the way to the crash site.

Funke said...

DB, the record is 2000 plus from a few years ago during a California trip.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

yes, buenos voyage.

you better not be taking your 17 babies... i heard something about dingos being crazy for babies.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i too get way too affected by these stories... i also don't know exactly why... i've seen my share of dead people, so in a sick way i've become insensitive to a lot of this... but still, it affects me deeply...

i also had no doubt that the messenger had provoked the cabbie. in an escalated altercation, there's no one completely innocent. the victim is the young lady and the other bystanders. it seemed like all the messenger got was a tacoed rear wheel on a crappy bike. and the cabbie... well, we know already his fate... he's going to get a job at McD's cuz, you know, there's less stress there, and he wont have access to a 2-ton weapon with which to threaten the same messenge when he yells, i will decapitate you and kill your family.

WCRM, here's a haiku for you to whistle to while you're boarding your plane:

FUCK THIS
FUCK THAT
FUCK WHAT???
FUCK YOU...

DB said...

Whoa, 2000 comments.

Thanks, Historian Funke.

Anonymous said...

Ok. I got the first book and enjoyed it. I got the second and it was decent. The third seem like a stretch, but I figured "the guy has got to make a living." So, I bent over and took it like a man. But, I'm damned if I'm gonna buy a journal with random thoughts; at least include a tube of WCRM chamois cream so I can lube up first.

RoadQueen said...

Since we're doing song lyrics, here's my contribution:

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

That'll be stuck in your head for the rest of the afternoon like it is in mine.

You're welcome.

P. Bateman said...

SerialRetrogrouch:

That is not haiku
This is how you do haiku
Im off to jack it

Serial Retrogrouch said...

mikeweb,

you're probably the closest one to the library... did you get it yet?

Anonymous said...

That isn't the Dewey Decimal system.

That's Library of Congress Classification right there, that is.

ChamoisJuice said...

thanks regarding flea advice.

That song is terrible. These two John Prine songs might help wash out the bad taste..

The Accident
Half an inch of water

Yeah, that lesbian lobster story to Dan Savage as the the Kludgie is to Bikesnob. It must be annoying knowing that your most popular output is cut n paste

Charles said...

So, a priest, a rabbi, an imam, Dr Oz, a plumber, and a nurse walk into a bar...

Sorry....

Charles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Serial Retrogrouch said...

i bet mikeweb went to the library, grabbed the diary, and is sitting on a toilet somewhere right now writing in his jurnul.

McFly said...

How do we dance while the earth is turnin'.........

How do we sleep with the herpes burnin'.....

---Midnight Oil

Dave said...

Most Cogent Comment so far:

"A person is smart. People are dumb."

A person is also compassionate and tolerant. People are assholes. We deal with each other fairly well as individuals, but each of us must cope with the LCD people who are badly infected with fear and anger. Hence the popularity of zombie movies - it confirms our underlying fears about the weird species we belong to. Also, shrews in a bell jar become shrewicidal, but are much less so if they have enough space around them.

I yield nothing to the esteemed Mr. Figners; I too would sacrifice my life to a high and noble cause, but it would have to be a lot higher and nobler than engaging in pointless conflict with an anger zombie.

Perhaps we can influence public opinion, and more important the opinion of local lawmakers to make legal changes leading to cultural changes regarding bike use. It takes forever and a day, but it can happen. Eloquence and reason make small headway, but invective just loses ground. "I may not go there with you..."

Full disclosure: I am just a spoiled, lazy denizen of the People's Republic of Northern Virginia, but still, when Letterman comes on and I hear, "New York, the greatest city in the world" it resonates with me.

New Yorkers: you may now resume your accustomed contentiousness at full bore. Carry on!

JB said...

Handguns for all solves most of these problems. I also invoke Hitler.

babble on said...

Er.... I almost hate to ask, but how does one manage to see enough dead bodies to become insensitive to them?

babble on said...

I could never have so many dick breaks that the sight of a happy dick would leave me unmoved.

( •_•)O*¯`·.¸.·´¯`°Q(•_• ) said...

Same way that bikesnob has stopped giving a shit about bikes, and same way new yorkers stop caring about other living people. You see too many of them, and you just stop caring.

mikeweb said...

SR,

I did actually go to the library, but when I got there I became distracted by all the librarians and forgot why I went there in the first place.

Did I mention I like librarians?

Anonymous said...

3:33 at the library, rose reading room, "quiet" side:

Gone

Anonymous said...

Olivia Newton -John

Anonymous said...

Making an appointment with my doctor to discuss starting cigarette smoking and peroxciding my anal ring...no thanks to yous!

Anonymous said...

More drunks on bikes stories, please.

I don't care if you're going to Australia, Austria, or Austeria. If a blogger doesn't blog, they're nothing to me.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

mikeweb,

so is it safe to say that you WERE on a toilet somewhere after visiting the library... but instead of writing in your jurnul, you were foffing off to mental images of librarians?

The Merovingian said...

If they went to Austrasia they'd have an excuse, since it was an ancient Frankish kingdom and it would be hard to get an internet connection.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Babs,

When you live through two wars, an uprising, and half of your life in a dic(k)tatorship, you kinda can't avoid seeing dead bodies and severed limbs... and eventually becoming insensitive to seeing it.

all i can say is it was systemic, if you had the TV on and it was around dinner time, the dic(k) would transmit images of dead enemy soldiers with heroic music. that's when it was on TV, not on the street for people to watch.

Anonymous said...

Regular guy @1:56pm:

Agreed. "Dive-like whiskey bar". Christ.

I think that whole story got off easy here, squeezed as it was between the taxi-as-weapon horror and the flight to Oz. On another day it would have been eviscerated at length.

Regular guy said...

My worst drunken bike ride had me throwing my bike over a 10 foot retaining wall and climbing up it because I missed a turn, riding into the side of a house a few blocks away, then breaking my chain while "trail riding" along a railroad track. I walked back to the party and forgot about the chain until it came time to walk the four miles home.

Sunday morning coming down.

The $64,000 Dollar Question said...

Last post on a Thursday, so no quiz AGAIN! Thank god Leroy's Dog can type em up.

Cadel Evans said...

I CAN sleep while my bed is burning, but it takes a shedload of morphine and stinks up the sheets.

Levels of Responsibilities said...

Asshole in charge of a bike, asshole in charge of a 2,000 pound car. End result is a person without legs. So which one of the "vehicle" operators is the bigger asshole?

Anonymous said...

Levels, perhaps we should be grateful that the bike rider in question was not also driving a car, think of the mayhem a one on one demolition derby would have caused.

wishiwasmerckx© said...

Acrotomophilia (from the Greek ákron [extremity], tómos [a cut] and philía [love]), refers to a paraphilia in which an individual expresses strong sexual interest in amputees. It is a counterpart to apotemnophilia, the sexual interest in being an amputee.


I thought the asian girl only got one leg amputated? What do call an asian girl with one leg??


IRENE

Regular guy said...

By the way, that is a lovely photo of your book on the library shelf. Your photography skills are improving, at least for still life compositions.

babble on said...

Yeah, well it's hard to choreograph your average street killings to music, I suppose.

Yikes. I am sorry to hear it, Grouch. You have a few stories to tell...

Wow. What a blessing you managed to retain your sense of humour.

wishiwasmasculine said...

Goodnight, Irene

Anonymous said...

Dred.

leroy said...

The Wiggles are from Australia.

101st Podium!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

babs...

i choreograph everything in my life to music when i can... except my commute... i don't have a deathwish.

i do have a few stories... i guess i'll be that old grouch grandpa who tells his grandkids, 'you don't know jack... back when i was your age, i was dodging bullets and making fireworks form cannon balls..." etc.

life is wonderful when you wake up every day and are grateful (my real name actually means that). got to enjoy while you can... and a sense of humor is acquired effortlessly when you have so many missed calls and you make it.

so... scranus... until september

Comment deleted said...

aaand...CJ reverts to being a forging spewer of unfunny, tasteless shit, instead of a contributor.

Dale said...

There are 8 million stories in the naked city, this has been one of them.

leroy said...

Oh great, now my dog is singing Green Day karaoke and changing the lyrics to "Wake me up when September comes."

I don't think he'll be up to writing a quiz this weekend. He says we're going near Portland. The one with the lobsters.

Safe journeys, WCRM.

Dave said...

'sniffle, sob' I will miss you Snobbie

Camois Juice said...

Downunder is just another name that I use for the young girls that I seduce into preforming cunnilingus on.

Anonymous said...

Boy is my face red, the New York Public Library doesn't use the Library of Congress Classification system. NYCPL uses a system developed by the first library director, Dr. John Shaw Billings.

The useless crap you can learn on the interwebs.

youcancallmeAl said...

there is nothing beautiful about a big city. just pathetic attempts by humans that have become estranged from the natural world to fill their empty lives.

Roberto UK said...

hey, i'm here for you, mate. And by the way that's a Mancunianism. (ffs, look it up.)

Anyway, this guy from what the Romans left us called Manchester (UK) are rooting for you Wild Cat, Mr Rock Machine. I'll be blasting my 120db air horn from my handlebars while you're riding around where my two sisters live, being that place called Australia.

Enjoy your south bound trip down under and if too many egocentric kids kick the chair your while your flying for at least 10 hours then invest in a knee defender.

Google it. It'll save your sanity and certainly pea off the shea teds who sit in front of you and demand that they can lower the back of their seat and diminish your leg space.

Love ya man, and keep blogging till you get enough bike lanes than the NY car drivers f off and stay in their own lanes.

This message was brought to you by someone who understands your attitude from UK. F 'em all!

ken e. said...

VACA TION
DOWN UNDA

true story: a awesome gal i used to date had the nom de guerre "unda wear"

Anonymous said...

Snobby, as you're an American, your ignorance is to be expected. Allow me to enlighten you about certain aspects in your treatise of today.

Australia is about 3,000 kilometres off the coast of NZ, not 1,000 miles. They're both exactly the same thing, but the kilometres are better.

You're right, that's not Midnight Oil. The guy who wanked himself to death is Rolf Harris and in the picture he's sitting in the middle wearing a t-shirt bearing the name of his band; AC-DC.

You'll find Melbourne is so fucken boring you'll have nothing else to do but while away the hours servicing your hubs.

It's so mind-numbingly boring, you'll be desperate to update your blog, even though nothing will have happened and nothing will have been seen worth writing about, but you won't be able to post because all of Melbourne's bandwidth will be taken up by people voting for New Zealand Idol.

Also, Michael Hutchence, the former lead singer of Midnight Oil has moved onto politics and is contesting the Prime Ministership. You'll touch down right in the middle of the election campaign and Hutchence's main rival is Opposition Leader, Gough Whitlam, who's most notable characteristic is riding a road bike 500 kilometres every morning.

Whitlam is a right wing extremist and is generally hated by all. Citizens, especially those in Melbourne, express their contempt for him by launching surprise random attacks on cyclists with drop handlebars. So you may care to exercise some caution when riding.

Hope this helps, we look forward to seeing you.

Regular guy said...

I believe Michael Hutchence sang for INXS, and he is dead. But hey, can dead guys run for office in Oz? Sounds like a better option than the other guy.


Peter Garret is the singer of Midnight Oil.

ChamoisJuice said...

Anon 7:20 PM:

Bikesnob plays the ignorant, ugly american stereotype for comedic effect. Cultural insensitivity is hilarious!

ken e. said...

the world is a mirror cj.

ride safe everyone.

Anonymous said...

"Regular guy said...

Peter Garret is the singer of Midnight Oil.

August 22, 2013 at 7:42 PM"


Don't be silly.

Peter Garret led a troupe of crocodile wrestlers who would tour the country performing in circus tents.

Grump said...

Snobby, isn't it next week in Australia, already? I know that there is some sort of time jump, when you go there.
PS. Never say."That's not a knife", someone may shoot you.
.

Anonymous said...

Anon @7:20pm:

Melbourne boring? But, but … the cricket??

Anonymous said...

"Blogger Grump said...
isn't it next week in Australia, already?
August 22, 2013 at 8:02 PM"

Yes it is and Snobby has just departed, winging his way back home following a moderately successful appearance at the writer's festival.

If he bumps into himself at the airport there will be a huge flash of light and the universe will reset and everything will change, but nobody will realise because that's the way these things work.

Your mom said...

@ Anon August 22, 2013 at 7:20 PM
Retard,
I don't know much, but everyone else is smart enough to know that 3,000km isn't 1,000 miles. Even google knows that.

@Bikesnobnyc
Of course it was Olivo's fault. 22 priors? come, on where there's smoke there's fire. This guy had it coming, and unfortunately someone else got in the way of justice(yeah you heard me). How about I slap you in the face with my d1ck and see if you don't (try to) run me down. I don't own a car, bike everyday, but sometimes you got to face facts.

PLEASE PROVE YOURE NOT A ROBOT

Anonymous said...

Holy Crap!!

I just noticed Snobby's $40 bike ride event spectacular through the Melbourne wasteland is a sell out!!!!

It's probably a clerical error, but if it really has sold out, a tightarse could join the ride for free with a clear conscience as there will be no fiscal impact on Snobby or the organisers.

Me? I'll be forming a fake police escort and leading the ride into the Yarra.

David said...

Hey WildCat RockMachine or waddever you call yourself. While in Melbourne look up Derryn Hinch a so-called radio jock who last week described cyclists as cockroaches on wheels. Australians attitude to cyclists is even worse than Americans.

Anonymous said...

" Your mom said...

@ Anon August 22, 2013 at 7:20 PM
Retard,
I don't know much, but everyone else is smart enough to know that 3,000km isn't 1,000 miles.

August 22, 2013 at 8:44 PM"

Dickbrain,
What's being overlooked here, is the curvature of the earth. It's actually a shorter trip from NZ to Australia if you travel in an arc rather than a straight line. You "tuck under" the curvature of the earth cutting 600 miles off your journey, but adding 1,000 kilometres. Being down at the bottom of the planet, the curvature of the earth is especially pronounced here.

Taking that into account, when converted, 3,000 kilometres does in fact equal 1,000 miles.

Thank you for your interest.

Beerfueled said...

Three famous Australians (fame being relative, and over-rated):

Warren Ellis + Mick Turner + Jim White

ChamoisJuice said...

So in that book Ishmael, he talks about how man created god in his own image, coincident with when we stopped living of the land like other animals (hunter/gatherer), and started farming. When we started changing the earth to suit us, and putting ourselves above all other life.

And that the old testament/torah parables are the oral history of ancient hunter gatherers, early farmers before writing.

First story God makes man in his own image.

Adam and Eve living in eden. Can eat anything they please. Can't have THE ONE, the apple, the idea. Soon as they get the idea, they are toiling in the fields farming, starving in the winter, because they eat ONE crop. First farmers starved. Wasn't until we figured out slavery that farming becomes a more comfortable lifestyle.

Anyways, hippies often idealize the life of the hunter gather.

Solidly a third of Guns, Germs, & Steel in about aborigines. Diamond studies them because they are the most primitive culture on earth.

His theory is very interesting and he won the Pulitzer for it, just like Dotty Rabinowitz did for saying citibikes begrime the traditional character of NYC.
He attempts to explain human evolution from early migration, development of farming in fertile crescent til now. And why some ethnicities has been successful at dominating the earth, and others have not. Basically why white people and asians run shit, and everyone else is empoverished.

Farming is the first step toward civilization. Then slavery, counting, writing, money, math so on. Farming provides the HAVES the time to specialize.

Middle East started farming first, about 7000 years ago. Same time they come up with Yahweh.

Diamond's theory is that cultures get more civilized and powerful, because they have more favorable conditions to do so.

-domeseticable plants, fertile soil, domesticable stock, timber, stone, etc.

-ability to trade ideas and natural resources with other people.

So Europe and Asia run the show now because:
-learned farming from middle east. Middle east over farmed and turned into desert.
-Europe had cows, oxen, potatoes, wheat.
-Asia had chickens, pigs, rice, gunpowder, horses.
-Ghengis Khan opened up trade routes that allowed East and West to trade ideas and resources.

Once we had a horses, metal, gunpowder, there was no stopping us.
Other cultures, like native americans were developing farming civilizations indepently of europe. They did come up with the "apple" too, just a few thousand years later. Because they didn't have as good plants and animals to farm, and landmasses less conducive to trade.

Aborigines never developed farming because Australia is a barren wasteland with freak of nature animals. They have nothing to work with. The best thing they have to eat are these starchy roots.

One of the things that is interesting about native americans, is that they are all descendent from the same group of early men that crossed the land bridge. So from Eskimos to South American natives, you can see how people with common genes evolve to suit different environments over 15,000 years.

Right? Man evolves slowest. Then society. Fastest is tech.

Anyways, if Diamond's theory holds:
That aborigines have slow cultural development because they live in a land with poor natural resources and isolation, Australia, it follows that:
Anglos living in the same conditions would have stunted cultural development.

Which explains Australians.

Anonymous said...

Classic bike movie from Australia: BMX Bandits.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

Classic bike movie from Australia: BMX Bandits.

August 22, 2013 at 9:51 PM


Starring Cadel Evans's cousin, Nicole Kidman.

ChamoisJuice said...

Diamond also says cultures are more successful when they live in cities, especially that trade and travel with others.

-More people, more germs and diseases. People will get sick and die, but those that survive pass resistant genes. So when you invade a primitive land all the natives die from gnarly diseases.

-Trade of ideas and specialization.

Somebody said "A person is smart, people are dumb". That's totally wrong. A person, without anyone else to learn from, doesn't know shit. So being around more people, you are exposed to more ideas and technologies, and you know more.

Which is true, to an extent...
BUT NOW WE HAVE THE INTERNET! heh.

There a funny thing about people. When there aren't many around, you miss em, and talk to whoever you see. When you are around tons of em, you get pissed off by them driving like idiots, getting in your way. You just want some privacy, with people you relate to. Most New Yorkers segregate themselves by neighborhood, some ethnic, some class, some by faddish image and politic.

Tradition: something you do because those before you did it that way. This is why society is so slow to evolve to changing living conditions and technology.
It is why BikeSnob rubs a boner stem. Tradition and Retrogrouch are closely related.

Hasidim are really intriguing to me. They really are the oldest iteration of Yahweh based religions. They have resisted change, and stuck with tradition the longest of any religious group. They are retrogrouches on Pfars. And they are not even converting retro grouches! They are not trying to convince people hydraulic brakes are silly or friction shifting is better. But this societal technology has been successful for them. If you want a camera or a diamond in NYC, you will buy it from a guy dressed like a blues brother with curly sideburns.




Euro Spondee said...

Hey CJ, we read the book already, and if we want to read it again, there is always Google books to refresh our memory. FFS, go back to licking out the young flea bag and smoking dope, and lay off the keyboard for a while.

leroy said...

To get rid of fleas, douse yourself with rubbing alcohol, find a beach, roll around in the sand. The fleas get drunk and kill each other throwing stones.

Don't ask me how I know.

Of course, emulating the male models in the gas station scene from Zoolander would probably work too.

But I wouldn't know about that.

ChamoisJuice said...

Aborigines are an annoying culture to try an make fun of. All you have is didgereedoodiddlydonts and boomarangs to joke on. Australia is so resource poor, their main invention is a stick that comes back when you throw it. That's how hard it is to find a decent stick in Australia. They LITERALLY don't have anything else to make fun of because they don't have anything else.

Chance is a weird thing. Why did aborigines have the poor luck to be born in Australia? Why does an Asian/Euro woman be born to life in London, education, money to travel to NYC? I suppose it is always more tragic to have and then lose

Banana Bender said...

I sure hope once WCRM is done visiting the Portland of Australia he comes up the coast to a real city like Brisbane.

We may not have many drop bears up here but we sure got a lot of soul.

Major Taylor said...

David
"While in Melbourne look up Derryn Hinch a so-called radio jock who last week described cyclists as cockroaches on wheels."

Tony Abbott is like a coachroach...
Actually he may have a point there, but anyway all us biking bikies know shock jocks are really all just like rats with microphones.

DNA Tester said...

No Way New Zealand is great - rent a bike if your not taking one - it's a great way to see the land. Find the Hawthorn Lounge in Wellington - best bar in the world.

McFly said...

Forget those shock jocks, you should look up Gary the Goat while you are down under. He seems like a cool guy.

Anonymous said...

Welcome Snob, we speak English, and don't have guns or capital punishment. I hope your trip all goes well. Bill P.

P Wong said...

Sorry McFly

But WTF with the goat. Please elaborate.

faAnnin 72 also WTF

McFly said...

I am not sure. Non-sequiter Friday.
I was scrolling through the comments and it was just so tiring. This comment section used to be 10% bikes/85% sex/5% randomness and this week it's so charged with anger I thought a goat down under that likes "grass" would be nice. Plus there is a Gerraint Thomas callout.

McFly said...

Here...let me make it better with my idea of an apology.

Songs Download said...

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Jase said...

Beerfueled - props for first Dirty Three reference on this blog. Wattaband.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Kookaburra sits in a Banyan tree and he sang as he watched and waited til his billy boil.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

McFly, now you need to say sorry that your apology got scrubbed off Craigslist. Perhaps another story will help ease the pain.

Comment deleted said...

Oh, Songs Download, really? Do you promise? We were so hoping that you'd come here, and now there's a chance you'll come back, if only Snob can keep up the good work?

P.S. Cool user name!

McFly said...

Ya know the Gunna Bleach My Butthole girl was alot of fun until she got on the Prozac. She went from a wild sex monster to a I'm Just Gonna Lay Here Go Ahead and Pump All the Splooge into me You Need to My Tubes Are Tied.

Come to think of it.....why did I break it off? Not real sure why she was depressed. Maybe cause she was dating a 21 year old pothead motocross racer?

ChamoisJuice said...

McFly:

Goats are relevant to discussion at hand.

The goat is the first domesticated animal, after the dog. The dog is the most pointless domesticated animal in terms of "success" aka dominating the earth and other people. It keeps us company. We don't eat the dog, or drink it's milk. We like having dogs around because they are easy to talk to.

The GOAT was man's first major technological breakthrough. HERDING. Those fuckers are a trip to talk to.

The Goat mythology is tied to pre-farming, pre-single God lifestyle. The goat ties us to spiritualism instead of religion. One of the most annoying things about the Pacific Northwest, is how fucking popular Tom Robbins is here. It is considerably harder to get into hippy chick pants if you haven't read this douzenozzle. His books are all about Pan/Goats/fucking. He annoys me because his books are obviously an attempt to impress girls and get in their pants. There is a strong aurgument that getting in girls pants is the ENTIRE POINT of language in the first place, but propriety demands you be a bit more discreet about it, sheesh.

Anonymous said...

The Horn of the Goat, both male and female, is both Symbolic
and practical.

It is the Horn of the she-Goat Amalthea, the wet-nurse of Zeus,
which is the Symbolic Cornucopia: the Horn of Plenty, the Horn
of perpetual abundance.

The Horn was also used as a drinking vessel in antiquity and is a
dual Symbol in that it is both masculine and feminine.

When pointed upwards, the Horn is the masculine, penetrating,
and assertive, phallic Symbol. When pointed downwards, it is the
feminine, receptive cup or chalice (womb).

This dual Symbolism, therefore, is representative of the yin/yang
energy. And the the combination of both the upturned Horn along
with the downturned Horn carries the same sacred Symbolism
and Esoteric meaning as the six-pointed "Star of David".

babble on said...

Cheers, McFly... what would we ever do without you? Remember: if the anger on the comment board is getting you down, just be the change you want to semen in the world. After all, anger only serves to weaken you, whereas sex heals.

Looking for a distraction?

Here are a few photos of a ride we took earlier this week...
Paradise Unpaved

ChamoisJuice said...

This crazy goat is running up and attacking people in the streets. This is so funny.

One of our greatest modern Philosophers, Mel Brooks, and one of the funniest NY jews evar said:

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
The messenger/cabbie/leg lost story is HILARIOUS!

“I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.”

“Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy, colorful and lively.”

“Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.”

Freddy Murcks said...

Dammit, Snob? Why can't you blog from Australia? That no have the internets there? Kangaroo-powered dial-up connection no good?

redrycom 2173

Helen said...

Don't go, Snob. How will we live without you?

ChamoisJuice said...

Larry David weighs in on man's big questions:

The giver -> receiver relationship between man and women.

Relationship between love and hate

Well, I didn't do anything about the flea issue. I think I will solve the girl problem by ignoring it.
I feel bad, because I had made a "do no harm" promise, as part of my value sytem guided by Dan Savage's "campsite rule". Ultimately, I feel like the lesson learned is worth the slight pain.

You can have a sexually fulfulling relationship.
And you can have an emotionally fulfilling relationship, but NOT WITH THE SAME PEOPLE.

Comment deleted said...

Hey Babs,

Love your ride blogs. One of your videos is still "private", however.

McFly said...

That was a nice distraction...

You thighs could put me in traction...

I would happily lay...

In a cast all day...

If it meant I could feel their contraction...

McFly said...

Hey Babs I sent you a pic of Bleach Butt Girl because I want the story to be more illustrated. And I am bored. She looks like YOU actually. ..........wait just......a minut...e.....

crosspalms said...

Here are some people in Chicago who think bike-share types will kidnap their children and leave litter behind.

balls™ said...

Are we still hanging out here, even without a new post?

AYHSMB!
(Just be gentle, and use a lot of tongue, thanks)

babble on said...

Cheers, CD. Let me see if I can fix that.
And McFly.... why thank you! I just tweeted a picture of my lily white butt on wreck beach yesterday...

ChamoisJuice said...

Man vs. goat

Always wear your helment.

Anonymous said...

AARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost forgot; under no circumstances use the word "root" while you're in Australia, Snobby.

Just don't.

If an Australian uses the word in your presence, giggled nervously and back away.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

CJ, I am guessing 'propriety' is not your middle name. If you really wanted to follow up on the 'do no harm', perhaps you might want to take a vow of internet silence. Just sayin'.

Babble, I hope we can get some regular updates from the beach to tide us over until the Snob returns.

Comment deleted said...

Yup, that fixed it, Babs. And might I say, you are looking very, ah...healthy.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

hey... some of us stay away from the tweeting... but we still want to see... lily whites...

don't deprive...

Udder said...

Road Queen and Chamois Juice-

Start your own fucking blogs and leave us all alone. Please.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

udder dude,

WTF did road queen do to you? and she DOES have her own blog.

chamois J does need his own blog.

Comment deleted said...

Who is this "us" you speak for, Udder?

RoadQueen clearly delights in riding (just about everything), and, in turn, is a friendly delight. CJ, while a misanthropic, misogynist boy-child who enjoys digesting popular cultural anthropology books into justifications of his lazy/convenient amorality, occasionally writes interesting things.*

What have you done, by the way?

*Perhaps the most back-handed compliment I have ever composed.

Anonymous said...

I can´t believe AC/DC got mentionned only once before in the comments...

the Commentariat said...

CD, CJ's mom didn't hug him enough, and we all now pay the price.

Merlin said...

Anon 356
Almost forgot; under no circumstances use the word "root" while you're in Australia, Snobby.

Maybe snobby would like a little root down under. I hear he's got 17 kids after all

AC/DC said...

Midnight Oil
Cold Chisel
Easybeats
Hoodoo Gurus
Hunters and Collectors
Paul Kelly
Daddy Cool
Crowded House (NZ)
INXS

Btw, Silverchair can fuck off.

A friends kid just started college in Melbourne, told him to go and see the Saints play before the season ends. Rode a Citibike from Chase Plaza to the WTC yesterday. Cant do that in Melbourne. Actually spoke to another New Yorker at a traffic light, yeah I stopped for it, could it be bikes that break down the hard shell of humanity? Neither of us was wearing a helment but both agreed that Trinity was a sucky road during peak time.


leroy said...

According to my dog, someone who describes canines as pointless while praising goats likely decks the latter in lingerie and lipstick as a prelude to sexual congress.

RoadQueen said...

Grouch and CD,

My heroes. :) I found udder's post udderly hilarious since I hadn't posted anything since yesterday.

My thanks and appreciation to the both of you. MUAH!

Anonymous said...

And let us not forget Tommy Godwin who was not Australian but who rode 100,000 miles in 500 days between 1939 and 1940. No aero bars, no crabon, no clits, no humpy-back drinking aids and a 30lb bike.
You may wikipede him.
47 spiredie

Anonymous said...

Well, until there are some posts from a Mel-buhn hive ward, I can see this is a waste of time. Actually, snob, you might look at this hiatus as an opportunity for Caudal Autotomy. While the riffraff occupy themselves with the abandoned tail that is this comments section, and eventually become a cargo cult, you could make your escape to a better venue and get your mojo back. Good luck down there.

Anonymous said...

Naw, it was the Eurogliders.

ChamoisJuice said...

You keep talking about propiety and morality.

Ok, so I was talking about how early man had spirits, then they started talking to their dogs, then they talked to their goats. You should try talking to a goat on mushrooms.

Man lived successfully like this for 200,000k years. Reducing it a bit, stone tools and fire, but people lived off the land, "owning" what they could carry with them.

First man in Africa 200K. I am going to talk about america because I am american, and australia because Bikesnob is there.
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0603/feature2/map.html
So early man, let's call him Fred, spreads over the entire earth as hunter/gather. Reaches America about 15,000 years ago. The land bridge was open a relatively short window, so native americans from north to south share common genes.
Aborigines got the poor luck to get blown to Australia 50K years ago from Indonasia-ish.

So, over 200,000 years we spread all over the globe, living successfully. Men hunted,fished, defended. Women gathered, mothered. If there started to be too many people in a given area, people could eat more than the area could provide, making all starve. We evolved to be aggressive if there are too many people.

Man: extreme diversity, natural selected to suit environment.

tech: fire, stone, dog, goat.

society: family, tribe, oral tradition. Extremely different, naturally selected to suit environment.

Then we started farming and came up with God, 7000 years ago. Farming starts to become successful once people figure out slavery. Then the upper class has time to think about things, specialization AKA acadamia. Because we farm one spot, we can store more stuff. First time you get people having more than others. Every abo has a dingdiddlydoo and a boomarang, not much else, but they all have boomarangs and diggerdingers equally. Haven't you ever seen the
God's Must Be Crazy?
It's about Bushmen in South Africa, and it is hilarious and touching.

Once we have farming and slavery, we have the time to figure writing. First to count slaves. Then to write down the oral traditions, the stories you've heard around the fire. The first part of the old testament. Then they start writing down what actually happened, as it happened.
Society: class, religion
Karen Armstrong wrote a good book about the evolution of the Yahweh religions.

Fast forward to Europe having guns, horses, boats, invading America.
Americans had developed farming AKA civilization, albeit, several thousand years behind eurasians did. Mesoamericans started farming 6000 ago, and their society and tech were following a same, same, but different evolutionary path. Very similar in terms of brutality and monuments to ego and greed. This was built purely by slaves. The did not have metal tools, the wheel, and their best pack animal was the llama. They did not have the weapons to fight metal, horses.

Would you say that the value system of the "successful" anglo culture is more just, or has more respect for life, than many of the cultures they have crushed? The Mayans were pretty fucked up, but most of the PNW tribes just went fishing and hunted elk while the wimmen folk got berries and did wimmen stuff.

Man is most satisfied fishin, boning chicks with correct waist to hip ratio, age of prime fertility, and healthy features. And talking to the dog. GoDDAMNIT WOMAN! Why did you have to start this garden?! Now I got a honeydo list.

A Meares said...

Look here WCRM, those of us down here are sick and tired of losing the podio spot just because we are asleep at 3am!!!

Damn it! I want my Wednesday weed on Wednesday not Thursday!

You must post at least once or I swear to god Tony Abbot and his Budgies will send you to PNG!!!

H Holt said...

That is Abbott, Anna.

africansingle said...

CJ, you've blown your cover (and by now possibly your load all over the goat)...

The Gods Must Be Crazy is utter crap and in no way represents what Bushman/San culture is about. It was a silly apartheid era "comedy". I think they made them in your country too, but nowhere near the esteemed intellectual level of Crocodile Dundee.
Please try to remain within the tight parameters of your sphere of expertise (or maybe not, we have probably had enough of goat fetish stuff).
Doos.

E Kueppe said...

Hey wait a minute CJ knows all about NRL too. Stop picking on him!!!

187 IavoidS

babble on said...

hmmm... yes, updates... I'll add that lily white arse shot as an unrelated post script at the end of the last babblelog.

But I'm sorry. If goats are your thing, you'll have to keep clicking.

leroy said...

Oh dear. It appears someone got CJ's goat.

Please return it. It keeps him busy.

Nick Cave said...

"You should try talking to a goat on mushrooms" - who has ingested the mushrooms in this sentence CJ, you, or the goat? Still seems you are on speed, alas for us.
---
In other news - what about the Birthday Party, the Triffids, the Go-Betweens, all good Aussie bands, and all named after English books (okay, the Birthday Party is a play, but still).

babble on said...

Here you go.

the Commentariat said...

CJ, TLDNR.

the Commentariat said...

Babble, there is a part on you I would like to wreck, and it is not colloquially known as the beach.

ChamoisJuice said...

I am aware this is an "enlightened" audience, that gets their culture and value system filtered thru what the NY Times book review, the Atlantic, Pitchfork or whatever "better" cat 6 idea competition says is "correct". And that you can't learn anything "valuable" from "uncultured" people, DMX video. I disagree.

Are you aware of the GOAT X American pop video mashup phenomenom that is sweeping the youToobs? Maybe, it's cuz goats are funny. Maybe because it is so instinctually satisfying to see goats reject Americans' warped value system?
Goats - so hot right now.
not an isolated example....
search "(goat edition), filter "view count"

I am sure you know how good dogs are for getting you laid. My main method is:
ride bike to the beach with my dog.
read a book and throw a stick.
Smile, wave, wink at pretty girls.
When they come up to play with dog, ask them questions. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Minute to assess talks to much/ qualities as a person/ hotness ratio.
Generally, I find if a girl talks to me for more than five minutes, she wants the D.
Touch their arm. There's your Y/N cue.
We should go on a walk/get a drink/get a fish and make dinner/go dancing as condition approriate.
BONE ZONE

GOATS ARE EVEN BETTER!!!! A baby goat is the best fucking wingman EVAR. You can see their cheeks and chests redden. Even chicks that belong to the ugg boot/yoga pant/North Face Puffy/Starbucks frappe tribe, that usually reject my costume, cannot resist a baby goat.

ZOMG! SooOOoO CuUUUTTTE! Look at his eyes. It's like he's speaking to my soul. Holy shit! He's humping me! AHAHAahaha.

leroy said...

Well I'll be durned.

My dog was right.

CJ needs a goat to get off.

Looks like I owe my dog five bucks.

McFly said...

We're there any attacks while I was at the river? We're they neutralized?

That's a fine turd cutter Babble. It is pretty white. That's ok I like to see a pink handprint after a gentle smack.

BUTT SLAP

McFly said...

We stopped at our favorite lil eatery o Ky Lake and I had my portion of white beans plus hers and some of juniors. Church should be real interesting tomorrow morning.

WHO'D UNIT

P Hanson said...

Goat sex is all because of gay marriage!!

BamaPhred said...

This story line has captured my interest. The Snob recently tweeted update. It really gets my goat

DB said...

Been gone for a day or two, doesn't look like I missed much.
Nothing from Snob on Twitter, wonder if he's landed yet.
Have a good weekend, all.

McFly said...

My church farts seem to be lying dormant. I wonder if anyone has ever put those words together in a sentence.

ChamoisJuice said...

OK, so we are in agreement that early man's spirituality was based on getting hella faded and talking to the dog, and then goats.

Pan (Ancient Greek: Πᾶν, Pān) is the god of the wild, shepherds and flocks, nature of mountain wilds, hunting and rustic music, and companion of the nymphs.[1] His name originates within the Ancient Greek language, from the word paein (πάειν), meaning "to pasture AKA HERDING GOATS."[2] He has the hindquarters, legs, and horns of a goat.

Who is Pan? Half goat, half man with a HUGE DICK. Deity of music, fucking, spring, herding.

Let's bring it back the the bible.
So man starts farming. Before, he worshipped the earth and all animals, taking only what he needs. Now, he kills plants and animals indiscriminately. Man is more important than early life. Man feels real bad about this, because it conflicts with his spiritual value system (worshipping the earth/talking to goats). GENESIS is the idea that lets early farmer feel better about what he is doing.
Now God is made in Man's image. We feel ok about using all other life.

Next story is about FRED and LANCE. Fred herds goats. Lance is an early farmer. Fred rolls thru the area where Lance is growing his crops. Lance says "Hey motherfucker, your goats are eating my crops! You can't bring your goats here."
Fred seys "WTF Mang? I've been bringing my goats here since forever? Now all a sudden I can't come thru here? How am I going to get to the river to fish?"
LANCE
"Not my problem! This is MY LAND"

And then Lance kills Fred.

This is the second story, of our DOMINANT VALUE SYSTEM. Do you think Lance felt very good about himself? Killing his brother Fred, and taking his land. Later, forcing Freds to do his dirty work, so he can sit around and think of civilized things.

Early man changed his value system to feel OK about dominating every other animal and plant, by making MAN in image of God.

Then early man changed his value system to feel OK about dominating OTHER men, by saying some men are better, other are worse. Coming to terms with the Duality of man, good vs. Evil, what represents EVIL?
THED EVIL
BAPH OMET
GOAT MAN!

This is how Lance rationalized exterminating Fred.
Funny piktor

DerZoots said...

How's it going in here?

I've been riding the bici a whole bunch.
Friday was my birthday and to not feel old and 40 I did a big ride to a mountain kindafar away and in the end cover 128.52miles in 7.5ish hours.

Big big fun.

That's all I gots for now.

TTYallL8r.




Robot Wall: ipsaqu 734

ChamoisJuice said...

We're still talking 'bout that link BamaPhred posted:
Cabbie Who Maimed Tourist Holds Press Conference Outside Victim's Hospital
The deep questions this accident stirs, instinct, primality, societies evolution, what BikeSnobNYC is gonna call his blog after he moves somewhere not Portland, but like Portland was before the hipsters showed up, and only rides utilty bikes capable of schlepping his seventeen (17) gorditos around.

The characters:
Cabbie: Mohammed Fasyal Himon, 24, a native of Bangladesh, supports family at home with perhaps the most stressful job on earth, dealing with idiot NYC drivers, bike riders, PEOPLE all day.
“I am praying for her and her family,” he said. “But it is not my fault. It is just an accident.” blamed a bicyclist who pounded on his car and yelled at him for causing the crash.

Messenger: Most "progressive" news sources avoid describing him beyond Kenneth Olivo, 40year old black man, because he fits the negative NYC stereotype messenger too perfectly. It truly is embarrassing that leftist people have a problem with describing people accurately. Chronically in trouble with the law, aggressive, likely self medicates, humble origins with limited support system, has never been successful in society.

TOURIST: Sian Green, 23, London, a former beauty queen who was

Rockefeller Center : what could be a better symbol of NYC, temple to progress. It's so beautiful when they put up the HUGE TREE come solstice.

eating a hot dog on the sidewalk

Add Dr. Oz and the Plumber?!
Mel Brooks could write something poignant AND hilarious.

Take a deep bong hit and contemplate this:
Living On a Prayer (Goat Edition)

leroy said...

CJ - my dog asked me to tell you your stupidity is offensive.

He wouldn't want to embarrass you with an indirect description.

He's just thoughtful that way.

DerZoots said...

HA Oh man.
Goat edition.
Twas funny.


Robo rthings: Rigiesq 48

DerZoots said...

& with that
200
PO FUCKING DIUMSZZZZZZZZZ


Jeah is nice.


Robot stopper wordz: 38 stdocce

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