Tuesday, July 30, 2013

What's grey and crunchy and requires you to purchase a brand new bicycle?

You know, yesterday I was laughing at this whole "gravel bike" thing, but then this morning I was shopping for a second vacation home while on the toilet, and I finally decided I'd put in an offer on 2040 Meadow Lane in Southampton:

(They're asking $28,000,000 so I lowballed them by offering $27,999,999.99.)

However, just as I submitted the offer, I took a closer look at the picture, and that's when I noticed it:


"Fuck me!," I exclaimed.  "How am I going to get from my new home to the street?"

Road bike?  Nope.  I could die!

Cyclocross bike?  I don't think so.  I'd have to get the landscapers to put course tape along the driveway and set up a pit for my spare bike, which would totally fuck up my topiary.

Mountain bike?  In the Hamptons???  Are you crazy!?!  I'd be ostracized!  They'd banish me to Quogue.

And certainly walking is out of the question, since I'd scuff my $450 Rapha Grand Tour Shoes made from 100% yak scranus:


(Rapha's yak scranus shoes grow inexplicably larger when you ride by attractive female yaks.)

"Well, how do you like that?" I concluded.  "Looks like I do need a gravel bike."

So I set about shopping for a gravel bike to ride from my front door to the curb, at which point I'd switch to my titanium/crabon/953 Serotta, and in so doing I tried to figure out what the difference is between the current crop of "gravel bikes" and the cyclocross frame Nashbar's been selling for like ten years now:


As far as I can tell, the answer is "nothing."  If only there were some way to use "tools" to "attach" various hand-picked "parts" to a "frame" like this, it's almost as though you could "curate" some sort of "graveling bike" all by "yourself."

Of course, even if you were to do the unthinkable and customize a bike for the type of riding you do by using widely available frames and components, you'd still need some guidance.  Here's an article that endeavors to define the "gravel race bike:"


Basically, it's a bike with a longer wheelbase and slack geometry:

“The Warbird, compared to a typical cross bike, is designed to be ridden for hours, or even days if you consider the Trans-Iowa," Mallen said. "Because of this, we designed the bike around stability and endurance. Meaning it has a longer wheelbase and slightly slacker head tube angles to give you a stable, at home feel. Slightly taller head tubes also help you find the proper fit for riding 100 to 200 miles of gravel roads in a day."

Or it's a bike with a short wheelbase and quick handling:

When asked what his ideal gravel race bike would look like, Hughes had the following list of requirements: “I would want the bike to be light and stiff, have a  short wheelbase for fast handling, and the ability to run a fat-ish tire, with clearance for mud on top of that. I don't need rack or fender braze-ons. The bike I rode this year was pretty much the same bike I would've designed from the ground up if I had the chance.”

But most importantly, it's basically just a cyclocross bike:


Which is crazy talk, because everybody knows you're not allowed to use a bike for two things.

That's why I love magazines like "Outside," which dare to answer vital questions like, "How do I know whether or not I need the bike I didn't know existed until four minutes ago--and more importantly which one should I buy?!?"


By the way, the title of the article is rhetorical, and the answer is, "Yes, you need a gravel bike, because if you don't get one and you attempt to ride on gravel you are going to die."

Anyway, at this point I've decided that the primary difference between a gravel bike and a cyclocross bike is that you don't need to shoulder a gravel bike.  In fact, I'd recommend buying one of these gravel bikes as soon as possible, because it's only a matter of time before manufacturers start equipping them with razor-sharp top tubes just in case you get any bright ideas about using them for cyclocross.

Think of it as an anti-portaging "lawyer lip."

Oh, also, don't confuse your stable, relaxed, go-anywhere, all-day-comfort gravel bike that is inspired by gravel racing with your stable, relaxed, go-anywhere, all-day-comfort "endurance road bike" that is inspired by the Classics--you know, your Specialized Roubaixes or your Trek Domanes or the like:



See, one's designed for this:


And one's designed for this:


And if you attempt to use a bike designed for cobbles on gravel or vice versa then that will void your warranty and you will die!

And don't even think about using either of them in a cyclocross race, because the razor-sharp anti-portaging lawyer lip will slice your arm off on the first run-up:


(Naughty bicycle consumer attempts to shoulder his gravel bike.)

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Hey, what happened to 'monstercross?'  I thought that was the future of go-anywhere bikes:"


Oh, please.  What is this, 2007?  It's a well-known fact that 95% of the riders who ordered custom monstercross bikes turned them around immediately on eBay upon taking delivery and then used the proceeds to fund purchases of much more au courant bikes like "gravel bikes" and "fat bikes."


Do not attempt to ride your hideously outdated monstercross bike in the conditions shown above or you will die.

As for the more urbane among us, we'll stick to our timeless "aero folders:"



Dual disc wheels can shave precious seconds off your fold, which is why he's totally beating the guy in the turban.

Wonder how it handles on gravel...

182 comments:

Name said...

UHUUUUU!!!!

Anonymous said...

podium?

Spokey said...

podi? hip hip

Anonymous said...

Reading is for LUZERZZZ!!!

RoadQueen said...

Just missed it...

Anonymous said...

Top 10 Buffalo, NY!!!

mario coppaweenie said...

to ten

wishiwasmerckx said...

top ten.

Anonymous said...

I am thinking too about that 2040 Meadow Lane in Southampton...

May the best offer win!

ChamoisJuice said...

(^_^)

crosspalms said...

I only have a gravelly voice when I get a cold. Do I need a road voice and a cobblestone voice? (Forget the mountain voice -- it's flat here.)

Anonymous said...

cock

RoadQueen said...

So many bikes to choose from...

Anonymous said...

Notice how CJ is always near the top of the comments.
Is CJ really WRM?

DerZoots said...

Gravel turbine.

That's all I got from todays episode.

I need a new job too.

RObot wussie failure: ldsdpurp 186

DB said...

Over my lunch hour, I'm headed over to the local Raleigh dealer to check this gravel thing out.
Wonder if I can fit some aero bars on it?

ChamoisJuice said...

Off the back. The 29'er fat bike is the new hot bike. Next year it will be the 650b fat.

fat bike = long board of bikes.

babble on said...

Goooood Dayyyyyyyyy - just saying hi on my wayyyyyyyyyy out for a ride!

ken e. said...

that's a lot of 'y's

CXRU LZZZ

McFly said...

I though a Dirty Kanza was when you tossed a girls salad and tweaked both her nipples simultaneously.

babble on said...

Ah fuck! I'm totally on the wrong bike. I am so going to die!

Flyover Bike Commuter said...

I can hardly wait for the gravel-bike haute couture from the New York designers. I bet no gravel-bike adventure is complete without 500-to-a-1000 dollars worth of clothing suitable for a tour of Fifth Avenue or the Hamptons, where ever those places are.

Anonymous said...

Mid pack fodder - Top XXX

Anonymous said...

You know, I have to question the stance about never having to shoulder a gravel bike. During truly epic weather conditions, gravel roads can be washed out by flash floods, leaving gaping canyons and raging streams that must be forded. What are you going to do, leave your gravel bike on the other side? No, your going to shoulder that puppy and cross.

g. said...

anon 12:34,
Enter the BestMade ZipLine (patent pending)

crosspalms said...

anon 12:34

The best ones will come with little tanks of helium so that in an emergency you can pump it into the tires and frame and float the bugger across. They tried hydrogen, but, uh, Hindenbike.

Anonymous said...

T-shirt spotted earlier today:

"Keepin' it rural"

Zip lines, grappling hooks, scythes, manure spreaders. I'm gonna need a goddamn train to haul all I might need on one of these "unsupported one-stage gravel races".


g. said...

Or one genuine Rapha Utility Belt (patent pending)

Blog Drafter said...

I've always liked Tom Waits' gravelly voice.
I don't think he rides bikes, though.

Anonymous said...

BIKE SNOB IS A LOSER BIKING GIVES LOWERS YOUR SPERM COUNT AND GIVES YOU BALL CANCER

balls™ said...

What's grey and crunchy?

Increasingly, me.

Anonymous said...

Juicy snatch

Jimboner said...

A Gravel Fred is called a Barney.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

WTF Trans-Iowa? Is he talking about RAGBRAI? I'm from Iowa and I think someone should design a special RAGBRAI bike for extreme hangover riding.

Jed said...

No. You are the only one who noticed. Give yourself a trophy, you've earned it.

ChamoisJuice said...

Blog Drafter:

There is a well known correlation between Tom Waits fanboyism and Rivendell homers.

Anonymous said...

Rapha, bringing you inferior products at higher prices for almost 10 years!

McFly said...

These bike demograhics remind me of when they told me little man could not use his baseball cleats to play soccer in and vice-versa. Oh great next you are going to say he can't use his little sisters pink bat as well. In soccer I mean.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Don't need to gravel...

Martyn Smtih said...

I'm going to defend the "gravel bike"(/whatever the roubaix is called - they ARE the same thing). Well okay, not the name - that's marketing BS. But the actual bikes are just more practical road bikes, which is something I could do with - as an ONLY bike most crabon roadies are too specialized (no pun intended), and 'crossers too compromised, for general road riding that might include some rough roads and wet stuff (shock horror!).

If you already have both a road racer and a cross bike and still want one of these, either you do a hell of a lot of riding or you got suckered in to buying a 'sportive bike' with all the impracticalities of a road racer allied to geo that removes the aerodynamic payoff that makes the impracticalities worthwhile.

Etherhuffer said...

I rode from Pitt to DC on a cheap Raleigh "touring" bike. Guess I ruined that trip by not having a gravel bike. I wish I had known that. Maybe the Great Allegheny Passage start points should have a sign warning people not to take "touring" bikes on that long trail.

Anonymous said...

2014 TDF has a new look.

leroy said...

Grey and crunchy and requires you to get a new bike?

My dog insists the correct answer is "the underwear of the rider perched upon the Citi Bike you were about to check out."

But honestly, how would you know?

Comment deleted said...

The asphalt outside the county line is of a slightly different consistency. I'm thinking maybe I'll need a different bike to handle it correctly. I'll keep my current ride as a "butter cream asphalt"-only bike.

Jimboner said...

When I lived in LA back in 88 my roommate was formerly the nanny for Tom Waits kids. He would come around about once a week to drink coffee and scotch with us in the morning. Never saw him on a bicycle but he did take my R69/2 for a spin a few times.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 12:59--

It's heartening to see that you have corrected one of the typos in your 16 word macro.

That's progress even if it isn't perfection.

And at least we know your underwear isn't grey and crunchy from cycling.

Etherhuffer said...

So...if I have 26mm tires, its a racing bike. If I switch to 32mm tires, its a randonneur. If I head up to 38mm its a loaded tourer. Where does the gravel thingy fit in? Is there a warning label on my chainstay,about the length, to tell me what kind of bike I am on?

Jason said...

merely a flesh wound

Anonymous said...

It's pretty easy to talk yourself into something like a gravel bike. I always ask myself how many times in the past would such a bike/product have been truly useful. Hardly ever is usually the answer, which usually saves me from a really stupid purchase. That and the fact that I have three bikes already in a small NYC apartment and if I were to purchase a fourth my wife would probably leave me....hmmm, gravel bike you say?

mikeweb said...

Snob,

I heard that 2042 Meadow lane might be coming onto the market soon. The kicker? It has a cobblestone driveway imported from the Arrenberg forest. Oh, and it also has an indoor gravel velodrome out back.

Anonymous said...

I like the discs on the folder. Ever get your hand stuck in your spokes whilst folding the bicycle post haste? If you have you know it smarts.

Anonymous said...

Mikeweb:

BIKE SNOB IS A LOSER BIKING GIVES LOWERS YOUR SPERM COUNT AND GIVES YOU BALL CANCER

Anonymous said...

I just took my fancy custom crabon road bike out and rode on gravel!

Does this mean I'm already dead?

"10 ingleroo" even tho' I'm no where near Oz.

Euro Spondee said...

What about the Strade Bianche - do they count as gravel too, even if they are white? Do we need a special Moser edition?

ge said...

Yesterday I saw a pie plate bigger than those Brompton disc wheels. Clear plastic and on the non-drive side. I was too stunned to take a picture. Well, that and the owner was with it, waiting for the bus. If your pie plate's too big, take the bus.

Anonymous said...

"10 asebodu" indeed.

I realize the comment of someone who lives in state with a million gravel roads, rides gravel 3-4/week, and owns a gravel bike and a crossbike is of little value compared with someone who gets to ride their bespoke Ritte on the awe-inspiring Croton aqueduct bike path, but here goes:

The gravel bike is just simply a better bike for gravel racing or long, hard rides. It's also a fantastic road bike for places where the tarmac is less than ideal. If I could only have one bike, it'd be my Warbird.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Less grey and crunchy More frameholders please.

Anonymous said...

but what about my Long Haul Trucker.... i use it on gravel... am i going to get a fine? or the crap beaten out of me by the cycle cops?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Gravelly throat? Her voice was so husky it could pull a dogsled.

DB said...

Angie:
I'm from Iowa, too, and the proper Ragbrai hangover bike is called the Team Bus.
Or a recumbent.

Blog Drafter said...

CJ:

I'm not sure this is exactly true, of course, but the impression I get of Waits is that he's never copy/pasted a thing in his life.

Jimboner:

Cool story.

crosspalms said...

wiwm,
Sounds like she was really inuit.

Anonymous said...

Ain't no cops out on the gravel, just roving bands of rednecks looking for skinny bike ridin' woosies to bump the front fender of their pick-up to your posterior and leave you bleeding in the ditch. Won't matter what kind of bike your riding.

crosspalms said...

For those of you who compulsively salmon, I recommend the gravlax bike.

Anonymous said...

I need help. I've got a ride planned that goes over grated bridge deck. Do you recommend a gravel bike? Maybe a cyclocross bike? Or do I need a grated bridge deck bike? Perhaps a custom grated bridge deck bike?

Vegas said...

"None shall pass!"

My friend bought a cx bike for just that reason. Not to race. He wanted to go "exploring." Where does this pavement/gravel/fireroad go? What can I connect this to? After a few years, though, the allure of beer and shenanigans whilst anaerobic brought him to race it.

My psychalo-crossing bike has mtn riser bars so I don't go on big rides with it much. And it's too cost-prohibitive to switch to drops and Brifters. But the race hecklers yelling at others "Don't let that damn mtn biker beat you!" is more than worth it.

Tony dadson said...

THAT is the best column I've read in a very, very long time! This whole idea of "stables" and "quivers" has had me in stitches for months now. It's incredible how we humans can rationalize our insatiable desire for more, more, more! Thank-you for making my day. I am saving your column for future enjoyment!

crosspalms said...

tony dadson,
Then you'll be wanting to look at our custom-built column-saver stables and quivers (or sheds, for those in economy)

wishiwasmerckx said...

Rationalize our insatiable desire for more, more, more? Please; DO NOT open my sock drawer; I will die from embarrassment!

Matt said...

Naughty bicycle consumer who tried to shoulder his gravel bike has a cool helment. Is that a Bern?

Anonymous said...

@ blogdrafter
Mr Waits used to cruise around these parts in a rootbeer el camino, now favors some kind of suv. He likes to stop on the janky railroad crossing behind the big feed silos, and cuts the engine. Eventually sliding away, energized by the untaken alternate ending.

TOMW AITS

fhfr436 said...

"... will slice your arm off on the first run-up:

Naughty bicycle consumer attempts to shoulder his gravel bike."

That's because of the more obvious problem: he tried to shoulder the bike on his LEFT shoulder. The Velominati should have a rule for that.

Etherhuffer said...

" It's also a fantastic road bike for places where the tarmac is less than ideal."

Yeah, but what if I just put flat bars on my cheap azz Raleigh R300 touring bike. Would I not now have a "fantastic gravel bike" as well? Also, is there any miminum top tube angle other than horizontal that needs to be specified?

chester_cheetah said...

Vegas,

"Exploring" denotes a different bike.

Custom, because there isn't anything like it mass produced.

You cannot use a mountain bike with 26" or 29" wheels. No way. Tiller effect will cause your death.

You cannot use a cross bike. Standover is too high will cause your death.

You cannot use a road bike either. Riding on anything but proper tarmac will cause your death.

You cannot use a 40c width tire on a raddoneur style cycling-cycle either. Can't be done.

What you need is a 650b road bikeen cycle with 6" of suspension front and rear, wireless shifting with ANT interface to log teh gears. No tiller effect with those 650b's.

McFly said...

Tony are you a robot? You sound eerily like a robot.

leroy said...

My dog read today's post, thumped his chest and exclaimed "I piss on gravel!"

I had to remind him he's never been fussy about where he pees.

donzo said...


So happy. My 1991 MTB frame matches gravel bike geometry exactly! I can continue to ride my hot magenta Kuwahara Rage II and claim I was into gravel bikes "before anyone"!

So happy.

crosspalms said...

When I listen to my old LPs, I like to do so on my groovel bike.

crosspalms said...

CommieCanuck,
When you go out for poutine, do you ride your gravy bike?

DB said...

You are especially good today, CP.

Ratboy said...

That said, not all cyclocross bikes can be gravel racers,” Hughes added. A fair point—the CruX is but one of a growing number of ’cross bikes with ‘new school’ (or North American) geometry. These bikes generally have a low bottom bracket to aid in cornering and a relatively slack head tube angle to improve high-speed stability. Add in enough tire clearance to accommodate a 38-40mm-wide tire and you’ve got a very capable machine for ’cross and gravel racing.

america > europe

mountain bikes designed bikes > roadie designed bikes

crosspalms said...

I think the fever just broke, I think I can stop this now.

Spokey said...

Hit a patch of gravel on the road on the way to buy some corn for dinner. But only the rear wheel. So do I saw my bike in half and weld a gravelly bike rear to my americano front?

grog said...

Why do you say grey instead of gray? Do you prefer an English gravel bike? What would Recumbabe do?

Smidgens said...

We are no longer the Knights Who Say Fat Bikes . . .

Anonymous said...

@crosspalms

Not before you beg. Now go ride your grovel bike

Chris said...

When is this marketing insanity going to end...gravel bike... give me a break. Wonder what Riv. Grant has to say about this?

Anonymous said...

So, in those years before there were paved roads, weren't all bikes gravel bikes?

RoadQueen said...

Spokey,

Post haste, if you value your life!

Anonymous said...

I've ridden my skinny tired racing bicycle on many a gravel road. Does that mean I'm dead?

Devlin McGrabbin said...

Portland.

http://www.nytimes.com/video/2013/07/29/fashion/100000002363270/intersection-portland-bicycle-style-in-the-pearl.html


Halfgrip said...

I'm going to go out on a limb here but even though naughty bicycle consumer carries a sword it looks like he's not well armed.

Anonymous said...

If you're going to be all judgmental, get yourself a gavel bike.

Anonymous said...

No way a 'cross bike can ride on the gravel. It would cause death. I know this because I'm not dead yet.

I think I'll go for a ride on my mountain bike on a fire road. That will surely end in death.

wishiwasmerckx said...

After all the gravel I have traversed on my regular road bike, I am pretty sure that I am not caught up in some sort of Sixth Sense "I see dead people" alternate reality.

Damn you, BSNYC and M. Night Shyamalan.

crosspalms said...

[/climbs on grumble bike, rides away muttering/]

Dooth said...

Yeah, I ride on gravel...a parkland path about a quarter mile long (then it's all street) on a cruiser bike with a coaster brake, 700c x 32 tires. The frame is 4130 chromoly with full fenders and a chainguard...upgraded the quill stem and handlebars (DiaCompe and Nitto) Next, I'll throw on a front brake (coveting a Paul Components brake and lever) and the best matching (aesthetically & quality-wise) bottom bracket /crankset combo (SKF and Rene Herse). Oh, and I need the lights to blend in that retro grouchy way (Soma). And the coup de grace, Schwalbe tires and a brown leather saddle (sorry, not Brooks). I'm just following my inner bike geek's advice. I apologize for all his nerdiness...insatiable consumer prick bastard.

Jan! said...

crosspalms: that "gravlax" comment wins today's prize. Preferably a small piece of gravel, like a diminutive Paris-Roubaix trophy. [Source image]

ChamoisJuice said...

Dooth,

Curating your own Budnitz?

IT'S A GODDAMN COASTER BRAKE TOWNIE! DON'T RUIN IT WITH HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PRETENSION.

leroy said...

lead out 99....

babble on said...

Hooooooray! Podium!

babble on said...

The observant will have noted I survived riding my road bike today - even though there was some gravel along the way.

But there's always tomorrow.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Dooth --

Ignore CJ.

It's your bike. Ride it however you like with whatever components you like.

When one stands upon the podium of happiness, the shit-eating grin is all the trophy one needs.

Tony dadson said...

Gawd,I love being noticed!!!

crosspalms said...

Wow, quick century today. Was yesterday a rest day or something? Or do we all just get extra perky when Snob rides his Zingray?

ChamoisJuice said...

leroy:

You don't know what the fuck you are talking about. Dooth wants to throw money at his bike in an effort to impress people he does not know. Witness: he is vetting his future material goods purchases RIGHT NOW.

I am helping him by letting him know, that this will impress NO ONE worth putting your penis inside. People who care about bikes, will cooly judge each upgrade, vintage, authenticy, and determine that your bike SUCKS. Pretentious and trying way tooo goddamn hard. Fuckin' eh. do you have a head injury? Just because you dress a Linus up in Nitto and Brooks doesn't mean it wasn't welded by a 12 year old chinese girl with a piece of cardboard for a welding mask.

RoadQueen said...

PODIUM KISSES FOR BABBLE!!!!! MUAH!!!

crosspalms said...

Jan,
That trophy is awesome -- I will treasure it, along with the Keanu Reeves lookalike lofting it.

Anonymous said...

Anyone else annoyed how Salsa ditched a perfectly good cyclocross bike (Chili con Crosso...awesome name) for the gravel-specific Warbird, which deliberately runs cables to dig into your shoulder hence discouraging its use in a cyclocross race? And while I'm at it, the Casseroll was another awesome name. Also defunct in favor of the dumbly named Vaya. Bah.

Next the gravellers will discover the joys of wide 650b tires like the Hetres, decide that lightweight frames with low trail and a front bag (for convenience you see) handles nicely on loose surfaces and is comfortable for long rides. Then massive amounts of ink will be spilled on the new breed of crabon 650b gravel bikes with high-tech, aero, lightweight handlebar bags, and Jan Heine will quietly weep.

crosspalms said...

Leroy 1, CJ 0. It's like a soccer game only no one fell down pretending to be hurt. Well, CJ did but the refs saw through it.

Comment deleted said...

Leroy, have you noticed how easy it is to tweak the nose of a certain self-appointed bike expert? This is odd (to coin a phrase) for someone whose main goal in life is to troll roadies.

Spokey said...

but babs

how much gravel can you run in to on an 8 minute bike ride?


12:21 PM - just saying hi on my wayyyyyyyyyy out for a ride!

12:29 PM - Ah fuck! I'm totally on the wrong bike. I am so going to die!

crosspalms said...

anon 4:14
Except for the crabon, that sounds like Rivendell's old Bleriot. Nice bike.

Bill said...

Who knew the Upper Class Twit of the Year had a cyclocross division?

Vegas said...

Thanks, Chester. I shall inform my friend that he is, in fact, dead.

Comments on a roll today.
Need an Adam-West-batman-climbing-buildings-in-the-verticalway steed? Looking for a grapple bike

Anonymous said...

I always buy the bike with the most awesomest name, they're the best.

Comment deleted said...

Spokey - clearly, Babs died (as was inevitable, having the wrong bike), but was miraculously resurrected, to ride again.

I knew my worship was warranted.

Comment deleted said...

Y'all are forgetting the drunk-on-your-ass grappa bike.

crosspalms said...

Vegas,
And for the ride to breakfast, a scrapple bike.

crosspalms said...

And for us geezers, the grampa bike.

crosspalms said...

And if you have a grampa bike with a granny gear, is that wrong?

Comment deleted said...

I hurt my scranus once on a poorly-fitted grundle bike.

RoadQueen said...

CD, I thought my drunk-on-my-ass bike was my Red Flyer tricycle?

Have I been riding the wrong damn Inebriation Bike?

Does this mean I'M DEAD?!

Shit.

Anonymous said...

Dooth, sorry I have to agree with CJ, unless you are being ironic, you would be better off spending the money on a new bike. you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, or some shit like that. I would recommend one of those new Gravel bikes that I've been hearing so much about.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

CJ --

My dog asked me to thank you for sharing in group today.

For next week's session, he would like you to consider that your consternation with Mr. Dooth's perceived effort to impress is, in reality, a psychological projection manifesting qualities of your own with which you are struggling subconsciously.

I'd advise against arguing with a therapy dog.

He also asked me to remind you that you need to bring a check for the next week's session.

crosspalms said...

Comment deleted
This could have serious repercussions.

wishiwasmerckx said...

For my money, the best bike name ever was Trek's top-of-the-line Y-framed mountain bike, the Y-EE Five Oh.

Comment deleted said...

Queenie, it's good to have an entire quiver of inebriation bikes; the Red Flyer tricyle is optimum for riding drunk on gravel-free sidewalks.

Etherhuffer said...

I called Grant Peterson and asked about gravel bikes. He told me to go pound sand. Do I thus need a sand bike too to do that?

RoadQueen said...

CD, I figured as long as I wore my helment on my tricycle while riding on the sidewalk, it's all gravy.

They can't ticket you for riding on the sidewalk as long as your wheels are under 20", right?

Dooth said...

CJ, pretension schmetension.., my build will out-Budnitz Budnitz at half the price and look sweeter and ride sublimely for years...I'm also going to sand off the paint and re-paint it matte black (paint jobs my specialty) and put on some Honjo fenders because frame holder.

crosspalms said...

Bring me my sword and my Grendel bike, Beowulf cried.

Blog Drafter said...

If you're riding to breakfast drunk you'll be needing an over-easy bike.

ge said...

If it can handle fenders over those 40C tires plus racks and if I didn't already have a bike I'd totally get a gravelly bikeen cycle for my commute. Plus, you could keep a spare in the pits and still spend less than on a Riv. Well, except for those dick breaks. Don't want.

moreframeholdersorimafuckingkillya

Roomba says: yallba

the Commentariat said...

Road Queen, I'd rather be under Babble than under 20".

Just sayin...

Blog Drafter said...

CJ:

Really, dissing Leroy? The most affable and intelligent commentator on the planet?

Seems you're "psychological projection manifesting qualities of" a Red Ryder.

Roille Figners said...

I rode my Gradual Bike to the comments section today... that's why I'm #137 or thereabouts. It only has one gearing, and it's a 32-42. If you use it for anything fast, YOU WILL DIE... before you get there.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Jeeves, I shall be about on the peat today; please bring me my loam bike!

the Commentariat said...

Blog Drafter: you and Leroy get a room...

wishiwasmerckx said...

I have lusted after an alluvial-specific rig ever since I read Hitler's lesser-known book "Mine Tailings." Long live the gravel bike!

Gabriel said...

I wish there was a way to award points for comments

ChamoisJuice said...

Yah, usually Leroy is one of the more knowledgable, least limp dicked of all commentors here, but

"Dear Mr. Dooth --

Ignore CJ.

It's your bike. Ride it however you like with whatever components you like.

When one stands upon the podium of happiness, the shit-eating grin is all the trophy one needs."

ORLY? I can kinda, sorta get behind this sentiment, if you are not bragging to anyone who will listen: DOOOOOOD, look at the parts I am buying for my bike! Validate my expertise and tastes!

Of COURSE you bicycle, like your clothes or car, is a reflection of your values.

If you think a replacing a 1" quill stem and square taper cranks with other marginally better quality 1" quill stem and square taper cranks is going to make any fucking difference to a COASTER BRAKE TOWNIE other that making it more desirable to steal, you are truly standing at the podium of happiness.
ex. 1

I REST MY CASE.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm dead then.

Comment deleted said...

Heh heh heh. It's too goddamn easy.

crosspalms said...

Dooth,
Be careful, that frameholder may cause goofy tiller effect. I've seen it happen.

Anonymous said...

MOREFRAMEHLDRORIMABUYINAFUCKINGRAVELBIKE!

Etherhuffer said...

I wanted a rock bike but got a gravel bike. I wash crushed, so to speak

Square Tapir said...

Maybe Mr. Snob just hasn't found the right gravel bike just yet. Wonder if a crabon Budnitz Gravel One with electric gravel gruppo shifting, titanium fenders, and a whale foreskin saddle would catch his eye?

Anonymous said...

To hell with this, O.K? I'll just buy the damn gravel bike.

It's really what I've always wanted, there simply was no such category until now.

Roille Figners said...

What if it's raining gravel? Do I take the gravel bus?

Anonymous said...

Damn, I bought this friggin' gravel bike and I can't find a decent gravel road within a 2 hour drive!

Zombie Woof said...

All I want is for my 80s steel roadrace bike to take bigger tires so I don't die trying to get 90 km/h on downhills. Is that too much to ask? Stupid f***ing fragile skinny wheels.

Anonymous said...

I bought a gravel bike last year...didn't work out so I'm using it now out on my artisanal rice paddy. It's been working out great.

BamaPhred said...

To gravel bike or not gravel bike? One must consult the farting Malayan Tapir oracle. With that, and having no funds for converting mtb to drop bar, or buying a bike to add to my climate controlled collection, it's off on the mountainous cycle for aside.

Dooth said...

Leroy, advice duly noted. And your psychoanalysis of a certain angry young man calls for a group hug.

Anonymous said...

Tech note: Yak scranus shoes do NOT get larger in the presence of attractive females yaks. They actually shrink up just a little and pull the feet a little closer to the body. BikeSnob is obviously confusing them with yak penis shoes.

db said...

Apologies if this was quoted previously:

"I thought all road bikes were gravel road bikes? I’ve been riding my bikes on gravel -- and more accurately unpaved dirt roads and trails -— for decades. It’s good to see 25c tires and wider rims coming back, and more importantly the clearance on bikes to run these bigger rims and tires. For some reason the bike industry ‘innovated’ away from this many years ago, and for a while many top-end carbon bikes haven’t even had room for 25c tires, much less a broken spoke. Now we’re ‘innovating’ back to where we started."

-- Tom Ritchey, guy who makes bikes

Spokey said...

quennie

move to NJ. You can ride on the sidewalk with any bike although the bike manual advises agin it. They do define the 'vehicle' bicycle based on seat height. I think 30" at the lowest position but of course I'm too friggin lazy to actually look it up.

On the down side you have acquire stealth inebriation bicycles as you can be the unluckly winner of drunken driver awards while on your inebriate bike.

Jeeves said...

Mr. wishiwasmerckx,
Is it true what they say, sir, that loess is moor?

Anonymous said...

Ultimate gravel bike sounds a lot like a Raleigh Tourist (DL-1 for the retro snobs out there).

ChamoisJuice said...

That Tom Ritchey video db posted has at 17:40ish has an awesome safety kippah and embarassing goofy tiller effect. Learn to corner and set up a bike you gaper!

Roadies like Tom Ritchey and Gary Fisher took mountain biking entirely too seriously, and took mountain bike development toward fragile, steep road bikes. Was not until late 90's that bay area roadies lost stranglehold on mountain bikes.

Moron said...

CJ, you're a waste of good screen space. You're tiring and predictable. In fact, you're a waste of precious oxygen to those who live near you. Yes, you're smarter than anyone else in the entire world (even if you can't spell). We get it. Now fuck off already. Well, you're curing my insomnia, I'll give you that.

babble on said...

YES! That's exactly what happened. I died and was resurrected.

Welcome to the second cumming.

Maybe I should have ridden a cyclo-CROSS bike instead...?

Then I would have nailed it for sure.

Jesushornyboy said...

And the Lord looked down on Babble and said,"What the fuck have I done"

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McFly said...

Producing gravel bikes is like producing augmented breasts or producing good porn.

Build it. And they will come.

ce said...

What is all this talk about bikes?

ce said...

Ok bikes, fine. Well then, here is my gravel bike

Anonymous said...

In aggregate, the gravel bike should be outstanding.

Zombie Cyclist said...

This is probably hopeless but I will try anyway. I love your column, been reading for years, own your books. I think the ads are entirely appropriate and glance at them now and then. That said, I find ads that move incredibly distracting to the point I find it difficult to keep reading the column. (I am talking about you, Knog lights!) Can you make them go away? I promise to keep looking at the nice quiet ads.

ce said...

Anon 8:02. We'll have to aggregate the data before we get a definitive answer - sorry if you were already punning, it is hard to tell.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Zombie Cyclist,

No.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

If you think the ads are bad you should buy one of their lights. Mine goes into seizure mode evertime I hit even the smallest of bumps. Maybe it's a gravel specific light.

McFly said...

They did send me a replacement free of charge and told me to keep the annoying one. And kind of giggled.

Please install a Webcam on Wreck Beach said...

There should be a separate podium for people who post while nude. That way Babble could post from Wreck Beach.

JB said...

McFly,
Kids can wear soccer spikes for baseball, but not vice-versa.

Baseball (and American football)shoes have a spike out at the front of the shoe. When you try to kick a ball, this spike gets in the way (and could be dangerous to other players, I suppose). American football kickers typically wear soccer shoes, you may have noticed. My kid wears soccer shoes to play baseball.

ChamoisJuice said...

Rivendell People

Comment deleted said...

Zombie Cyclist,

AdBlocker is your friend. I don't block all of BSNYC's ads, I just individually block the ones that blink so fucking obnoxiously.

I'm with you on that, and I wish Snob would tip off his advertisers that trying to sear their products into our brainstems ain't working.

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