Monday, July 8, 2013

What I Did On My Summer Vacation.

So how was your July 4th weekend?

Don't answer that.  It's a rhetorical question.  I don't really care.

I'm going to tell you all about mine though, because me.  Me, me, me!

Me.

Well, first I awoke early on the morn of our nation's birthday and headed down to the family's Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon, where I found this large rodent sleeping on top of it:


A blast in the face with an air horn took care of that problem, and next I began loading her up with bikes and sunscreen and watermelons and bear traps and all manner of vacation sundries.

Then I headed down to my neighborhood's artisanal bakery.  (It's called "Dunking Doughnuts," and it's fantastic.)  On the way, I saw this:


That's what you call "found art," and noticing things like this is what makes me a great photographer.  See, it's poignant because the viewer's own imagination fills the frame, and therefore everybody experiences something different:


I experienced a nonplussed guy wearing bib shorts, but that's just me.

Soon the car was packed, the artisanal breakfast foodstuffs had been consumed, the seventeen (17) children were safely stowed in their overhead bins, the David Byrne bobblehead on the dashboard was bobbling away, and we were off to Long Island's Wang for some family-friendly summertime adventure:


The next morning, I headed out for a ride on my bicycle with the shifters that are combined with the brake levers and the click-in pedals and the curved-type ram's horn handlebars like they use in the Tour de France.  Inasmuch as this was a family vacation, my aspirations were not even remotely "epic," and my intent was merely to enjoy a brisk ride to the lighthouse that sits at the tip of the wang before spending the rest of the day flying kites and getting sunburnt.

Well, about 20 minutes later, I started experiencing a telltale itching sensation in my armpits.

At this point, I should mention that sometimes I get hives.  Not little itchy bumps, but crazy bubbling Toxic Avenger-type bubonic ones that appear in different patterns with each episode.  Sometimes my eyelids swell up like Jonathan Vaughters.  Sometimes my tongue swells up so that I talk like Kramer in the Mel Tormé episode.  Always my legs, arms, and torso look like relief map of the Himalayan foothills.  It started maybe ten years ago and happened only rarely and at random, but in the past couple of months it's been happening more often and lately during physical activity.  It passes pretty quickly, but the last time it happened was a few weeks ago during a run, and I very nearly passed out as a result of the episode.  This was a new and alarming development.  I have been to an allergist, and I'll spare you all the tedium, but at this point let's just say so far these episodes remain filed under "inexplicable."

Anyway, the itchy armpits told me that it was happening again.

I was pretty close to the lighthouse at this point, and so I stopped at the side of the road and sat on the guardrail.  The hives were a-bubblin' and I felt as though I was going to pass out, and so I lay on the road and called my wife to come pick me up.  Then I just stared at my Sidis and waited:


Now, I should point out that Long Island's Wang is positively crawling with people engaged in all manner of recreational activities, especially during a holiday weekend, and wherever you find people engaged in recreational activities you find Freds.  Lots of Freds.  People love to argue about whether or not Freds should wave to each other, but as far as I'm concerned that's a stupid discussion.  No, the real measure of camaraderie is what you do when you see someone lying in the road.  Granted, I was mostly just itchy and woozy, but picture it:  Here's some guy in Lycra just lying in the shoulder of the road, propped up on his elbows.  Well, if you're wondering, here's the breakdown:

Cyclists

In the 20-ish minutes or so I waited for my wife, cyclists passed me pretty frequently.  Of the ones traveling in the other direction, none of them attempted to stop or inquire as to my well being.  (Though arguably they were too wrapped in Fredness to notice me across two lanes of traffic.)  Of the ones traveling in my direction, I'd say that 15% simply rode around me without acknowledging me, and the rest did the textbook "You OK?" and kept rolling.  There was only one small group of riders who actually stopped and unclipped, and our exchange went something like this:

"You OK?"

"Yeah."

"Overdid it?"

The blow to my Fredly ego hurt worse than the hives.

"No, I'm having an allergy attack.  Someone's coming to pick me up."

"You have enough water?"

"Yeah."

"OK.  Well, you might want to get out of the road."

"Where am I going to go?"

It was a fair question, because here was my alternative:


I needed to recline or else I was going to faint, and so it was either lie in the road or crawl into the weeds like a wounded raccoon and get eaten alive by ticks while my wife drove on by because she couldn't see me, thus adding Lyme disease to my list of woes.

Anyway, with that they continued on to the lighthouse.

(I should also point out that I'm not trying to be judgmental, I'm merely reporting what happened.  In defense of those who inquired but didn't stop, my reply to their "You OK?" was simply a curt "Yes," since I was both uncomfortable and embarrassed, and indeed there was really nothing they could do for me.  I'm sure had I said, "No, I just got clipped by a car and I need an ambulance" they would gladly have called me one.  And as for the person who suggested I get out of the road, I'm sure he meant well and didn't want me to get run over, and had he been lying on the road himself he surely would have appreciated that it was the best option under the circumstances.)

Runners

During the time I lay in the road, two (2) runners running abreast approached me head-on.  They simply ran around me like I was a pile of dogshit.

Drivers

Ha!

(I should point out that I am being judgmental here.  Of all the people who passed me, these were the only ones who actually could have taken me somewhere in air-conditioned comfort if I were wounded and in need of medical attention.)

Finally, my wife arrived, at which point I put the bike on the roof and crawled into the car frustrated and ashamed like a Tour de France abandoner.  By then the episode had mostly passed, and later on I consoled myself with ice cream:


I can assure you I was not standing on a cell phone, and that mine was safely glued to my ear as I prattled on about handbags and flavored vodka and the investment banker party I would be attending later that evening.

Of course, while I lay in the road, I also reflected a bit.  In particular, I marveled at the irony that some self-righteous blogger douchebag with 50 bikes who makes fun of everybody had been resorted to an itchy pile of hives on the side of the road.  I also marveled at the fact that, even as I lay there incapacitated, I was still chuckling at and feeling superior to people with pro team kit and helmets with visors as they passed.  Basically, I looked deep within my soul, and I confirmed something I've always suspected, which is that I really am an asshole.  Most of all though, I worried.  "What if every time I try to ride I get felled by an attack of hives?" I thought.  Would that not be truly Jobsian?  (That's Bible Job, not Steve Jobs.)  Why hast Lob forsaken me?  Surely, I should change my ways.

Nah.

Anyway, I didn't ride the next day, and then we came home, and yesterday I'm pleased to report I was able to enjoy a three-ish hour mountain bicycle cycling ride without exploding in bubos:


So maybe I'm just allergic to roadies.

I can live with that.

Speaking of mountain bicycle cycling, my friend who I rode mountain bicycle cycles with has alerted me to this article in the Wall Street Journal:



ON A RECENT SUNDAY, Brandon Jones, a 44-year-old fund manager at 9W Capital Management, traveled from his home in downtown Manhattan with his wife and two children to meet friends for brunch in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. They were heading to Reynard, the popular restaurant in the neighborhood's fashionable Wythe Hotel, where Manhattan-bound Town Cars regularly idle on the street outside.

But Mr. Jones did not drive. Nor did he take the subway. Instead, he piloted his two children via the deck of his Yuba Mundo, a so-called "longtail" cargo bike. 

Immediately after reading this, I burned my Surly Big Dummy and leased a Hyundai.

168 comments:

Freddy Murcks said...

Hola, Lovers!!

Anonymous said...

POOO DIMM

Anonymous said...

Bubos???

Anonymous said...

Woohoo! Top 10!

Anonymous said...

Glad you're OK. Hope they find a shammy cream for your hives.

-Plutarco.

Anonymous said...

First

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten on the rest day!

tridorkable said...

Top ten. Few things are worse than having hives on the wang.

Kenny said...

Please don't load rodents up with "bikes and sunscreen and watermelons and bear traps and all manner of vacation sundries."

That's what super sports wagons are for!

DerZoots said...

I ain't reading shit whitha top teen on offers.

Fooken A yeah & shit.

Robot etrapmentness: ztivest 616

Anonymous said...

Burn that bike, lease that car. That'll show those Wall Street criminals who's boss. If you can't beat them then good god don't act like them.
But what happens when they act like you? Cut your nose off to spite their face?

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob - I unfortunately know all about the fainting. At the end of a long 4th of July day, I got so fed up with all of the fireworks and the In-duh-pen-dance Day merrymaking that I decided to faint and attack the floor with my face. The floor won. Believe me, you were better off just reclining on the ground and waiting for your wife.

loprisp 579

Marcel Da Chump said...

Try shea butter soap for the hives.

theEel said...

weed.

DerZoots said...

Gonna go read this mofo now.

Hope all the other blog peeps r havingz a nice monday.


Robot dereilurementing: 457 sedBews

BamaPhred said...

Hives, what a rotten affliction. Truly Jobsian. At least you didn't have to sit in a pile of ashes and scratch yourself with a stick. Hopefully there is some relief for that and you can "ride well, my friend, ride well". Contracts to the podium winners Freddy Murcks, his brother Anonymous, and his other brother Anonymous.

rural 14 said...

Rural 1st!

Oy, what an awful place to go for 'vacation'. The wang of Long Island is amongst the most awful places to ride...what are ya thinking? Try the Pioneer Valley / Berkshire County / Columbia County / northern Dutchess County etc.

No wonder you got hives.

& there's great houses to short term vacation rent up here for not much $$

cat butt said...

We are hives twins!
I also had hives in my armpits this weekend!

My best friend is: Benadryl itch stopping cream.

BamaPhred said...

Oops, would you believe congrats, hosed by autokerrect. No contracts on podium winners being contemplated,

ChamoisJuice said...

I was catching my breath after a vigorous bonezone sesh with the young lady, lost in my own little world.

She asks "what are you thinking about?"

"The war of 1812."

"You are the weirdest boy I have ever met."

DB said...

Glad you are okay, Wildhive.
Had a great time in your city. A little warm and humid, but we got everything in but Governors Island, the Brooklyn Flea and the Mason-Jumer Mansion. Next trip.
Question: if its called The Bronx, why don't the other boroughs start with The?
Just wondering.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

fuck... i got dropped while reading comments from friday.

happy belated bday McFly. i hope you didn't take the bus on the rainy day.

babble on said...

GOOD morning!

BikeSnobNYC said...

DB,

Glad the city treated you well. They say it's "The" Bronx because it used to belong to Jonas Bronck so in the old days people went up to visit "The Broncks."

However, I did read somewhere that that's a myth, and that the real reason is simply because of the Bronx River, which runs through the. Obviously when you refer to stuff like rivers and mountains you say "The." So in the old days when people referred to the area they called it The Bronx, as in The Bronx River. (As you'd say The Hudson or The Mississippi or The Adirondacks or whatever.) So now, many years later, it's still The Bronx.

--The Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

What's worse, having to avoid dogshit on the road, or having to avoid an asshole on the road?

Also, wouldn't the correct term for people who quit mid-stage in the TDF be abandonneur? Or is that only for people who don't ride their bikes as far as they planned?

paulb said...

What a drag (the hives on a family trip, not the blog). Glad you are feeling better. I'd like to recommend something, but I have no idea.

DB, very glad you liked the Morris-Jumel Mansion. One of my very very favorite NYC almost-secrets.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

maybe you're allergic to road bikes?

babble on said...

And if you're British it might be "the Bronx," but it's definitely not off to "the hospital" for your hives.

babble on said...

I had those nasty bubonic hives for a couple of years, too. Till I figured out I am allergic to coffee.

Comment deleted said...

Sorry about the bubos, Snob. For a while in my early thirties, I was getting hives as a prequel to exercise-induced anaphylaxis, which is something not to be fuck-withed. Had to carry an epi-pen to all my basketball games.

A few years and much meh-dication later, I've had no more symptoms. An allergist is the way to go on this.

Good luck to you, Snobby. Don't die! It would ruin my week.

Roille Figners said...

I built an absolutely monstrous vise stand/mechanic stand out of 2x6. YOU THINK I'M JOKING?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!??!??!?!?!??!?!??!??!??!

Hell to store, but goddamn it's sturdy.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Comment deleted,

Now carrying epi-pen with my mini pump. If you feel like emailing me I'd be interested in hearing more about what medication you had success with...

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Mike in Dallas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

As a board certified Voo Doo doctor, I can tell you the hives are stress related. A big ride in a new locale with directions to figure out, will do it.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:49pm,

This was a short ride in a familiar locale in which it's literally impossible to get lost without actually riding out to sea.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Similar thing happened to a friend of mine. Through trial and error, he discovered it was a sun allergy.

Anonymous said...

Anaphylaxis can occur in response to almost any foreign substance.[11] Common triggers include venom from insect bites or stings, foods, and medication.[10][12] Foods are the most common trigger in children and young adults while medications and insect bites and stings are more common in older adults.[2] Less common causes include: physical factors, biological agents such as semen, latex,

Anonymous said...

"Of course, while I lay in the road, I also reflected a bit."

That's an excellent safety tip! How do you do it?

Comment deleted said...

Email sent.

McFly said...

Are you sure he didn't say "You really look like a toad?"

BamaPhred said...

Actually, this is good information to share. I had no idea there was something called exercise induced hives, also known as anaphylaxis, urticaria, etc . It is treatable, and an interweb search yields a lot of information. Snob, sorry for your misfortune but thank you for sharing.

McFly said...

Thanks SR. I eased into 40 in a campground called Piney in the Land Between the Lakes. Our site was at the bottom of a long gradient so me & the kids would come in on MTB's doing 38 mph and do EPIC SKIDS across the gravel. Plus I caught a huge catfish cause that's what real men do. Due to biblical flooding 2 nights in a row I did not have to sleep on the ground even once.

Anonymous said...

You OK?

Etherhuffer said...

Hives are not fun. And not always just hives. Angioneurotic edmema should scare you really well. The wifey had them years ago, as did her dad. Had to use the big guns to clear them up. Google methotrexate. But alas, it worked and stayed away.

The quick cure would have been to lie in the middle of the road. Permanent cure too.

Comment deleted said...

Hmm, comment disappeared. Apologies if it comes back and makes this redundant.

My solution was to get out of an insanely allergen-infested environment. It took divorce to accomplish this, as ex-Ms. Deleted considered allergies a form of weakness. I guess she's right, technically.

Singulair and Advair keep me completely asymptomatic these days; I cycle, run and play tennis regularly.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"which is that I really am an asshole"

join the mutha fuckin' club, mutha fucka.
glad to have you aboard.

Anonymous said...

is it food + exercise induced hives? maybe about a year ago a coworker of mine suddenly started breaking out into hives every time he rode in - turned out it was a wheat allergy.

3G said...

PITS ITCH

Anonymous said...

There's not a topic of conversation people love more than allergies. There's such a wide spectrum of opportunity for personal anecdotes, opinions, medication suggestions, diet suggestions, soap suggestions, something they once read in the New York Times, Something Their Alternative Medicine Doctor Said Five Years Ago. You can probably guess where this is headed.

It's bold of you to write about hives, and I hope you figure it out. I'm comforted to see that someone I hold in high esteem isn't immune to mysterious physical ailments either. It eases that feeling of blame that materializes when people bombard you with causes and cures for years on end, as if they know better.

Thanks for this and all the brilliant sanity you provide the world, as usual!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

no offense, CD, but I find a woman who considers ANY illness a weakness to have a certain something....

got a picture?

Roille Figners said...

ON A RECENT SUNDAY, Brandon(*) Jones, a 44-year-old fund manager(*) at 9W(*) Capital Management, traveled from his home in downtown Manhattan(*) with his wife and two children(*) to meet friends for brunch(*) in Williamsburg(*), Brooklyn. They were heading to Reynard(*), the popular restaurant in the neighborhood's fashionable Wythe Hotel(*), where Manhattan-bound Town Cars regularly idle on the street outside.


(*) douche

babble on said...

Yeah, snobbers, hang in there, would you?

Naturopathic doctors have remarkable success actually curing allergies in less time than it takes for your body to figure it out for itself.

Most allergies come and go in several year cycles, so it`s not necessarily the medication which gets you through, it`s that your allergies do change dramatically over time.

C said...

Seems like cargo bikes are getting a lot of gentrified attention lately, which is great. Might be the only way to get biking some respect, sadly enough.

Paul Bowen said...

I'm allergic like a bastard but I never have had hives, sounds scary. Take care.

DB said...

I learn so much by reading this post.
Thanks, Snob.
I highly recommend the Tenement Museum if you have not visited. It would be more enjoyable on a cooler day, however.

Comment deleted said...

DaddoOne,

I should have said "in other people." Her own ailments were many and demanded the utmost sympathy.

Collecting dogs, rabbits, rats, chinchillae (or anything else that breathes and has dander) when an asthmatic lives with you *just might* be considered passive aggressive in some circles.

Paul Bowen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DB said...

Oh!
Happy Birthday, McFly. One of the great things about being 40 and over, is that stores and businesses will let you use their bathrooms because they know you really can't hold it anymore.

Paul Bowen said...

9W Capital Management, formerly Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker & Wanker Capital Management.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Just in case no one poted yet... Lone Wolf strikes again! On Rapha. http://www.rapha.cc/revolution

Frilly Chick said...

Pauvre Snobbie. I was going to write something really snarky about bad kharma for scaring that sweet little kitty, however hives are miserable. Like Anon 1:01's friend, the sun fucks w/me. A ride of more than two or three hours in full sun results in big patches of red splotchy skin on my forearms and thighs right above my knees.

Attractive, non?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Thanks for the clarification - i'm out

Roille Figners said...

Isn't it "the Hives?" Not the band -- the old-timey way of talking. Like "I had to stop because I felt a bad case of the Hives coming on." Also see: the AIDS.

Comment deleted said...

Yeah, Frilly, but if you speak French and wear gauzy underthings, I can look right past post-exercise blotchiness.

Anonymous said...

Hives from plasticky shirt and exertion and some detergent in the shirt

ChamoisJuice said...

When did the Lone Wolf repaint the Lotus? Sparkles are ok, but I like how he integrated the star of David into his color scheme!

Delta brakes and flat pedals! I don't know what that thing on his aero bars is for?

Barton said...

On Friday (after a 84 miler on ID), I found myself at the side of the road, mile 40 into a planned 59, about to go bonk, having not seen a place to refill H2O since mile 15, and going up and down river bluff roads (straight up, slightly down, straight up, slightly down) for the last 10 w/ a headwind (there is always a headwind, ya?).

I turned a corner, saw another long arsed hill waiting for me, w/ 1/4 bottle of H2O left and said, eff it. I called my parents(50 miles away from where I was) and said, "Can I take you to lunch?" I sat on the side of the road for an hour. All the cyclists who passed stopped to inquire (one gave me some dodgy water), and 2 cars. The cops (4 patrol cars in the hour) didn't even slow down.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Oh man I was out on a road bieking ride yesterday (I rode my bent on Saturday)and I came along a North American Vulture (Turkey Buzzard)who was quietly enjoying his breakfast along side the road. Well I spooked him and grabbing what carrion he could stuff in his beak he took to the wing. Instead of flying off at a perpendicular angle to the road as they usually do he proceeded away from me down the edge of the road at about handlebar height. Because I'm so fast I drafted right up to him until I saw big chunks of raw fleshy roadkill falling down from red headed beast's cavernous maw. Then I sat up. It was epic.

The rest of the weekend my son and I just took potshots to the north

wishiwasmerckx said...

Knowing this comment board as I do, I was actually surprised that it took 37 comments before someone offered up "semen allergy" as the explanation for your discomfort.

RoadQueen said...

Snob,

Looking closely at the picture with your bike leaning against the guardrail, it looks like you would have had more to deal with than just ticks...

I'm pretty sure all that pretty green three-leafed foliage on the other side of the rail is Poison Ivy.

So, good call.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings snob ole buddy but the rightings on the wall. Your allergic to exercise. I guess your just going to have retire to the couch like a good American and work on your Cheeto technique.

I've had those hives once myself when I got stung by a bee. It was horrible. felt like my whole body was splashed with acid. I avoid bees.

McFly said...

Sometimes I, too, sneak up on sweet little kitties. I do not blast them with air horns, though. I blast them with love.

acquiesce808 said...

glad you are ok.
hope this gets sorted out *before* you need your epi-pen.
good luck.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Happy B-Day McFly. I'll crack a cold one for you later.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Cause? No clue.

Relief? Calamine lotion and Aveedo oatmeal bath treatment.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about the spell over the weekend. Hopefully you'll figure it out and be back in the saddle again soon. Also, although bankers, fund managers, etc are easy targets, not sure that what someone does for a living necessarily makes them a douche bag or that also are not allowed to ride cargo bikes as silly and contrived as they may be (the bikes not the riders).

Anonymous said...

I had similar symptoms, had to take some pills every day, I never found out what exactly caused it (went to see doctors, did tests, but still..). I was allergic to a lot of stuff for a few months, one day it was peanuts or tuna, next day it was milk or bananas. I had hives when I was really tired or stressed, too. It went away when I stopped drinking alcohol for a while. And I avoid junk food, that helps, too. I have a shitty liver, I suppose. Too bad, because I absolutely love beer and junk food.

Anonymous said...

While we're talking about allergies and the like; a few years ago while out road bike bicycle cycling I was stung by some flying bug that was apparently loaded with napalm, or so it felt like. Two days later when my face swelled up I went to the doc who

a) gave me a tetanus shot: "You really think the bug was made of rusty metal?" I asked.

b) after explaining that I saw it fly into and under my sunglasses asked what kind of a spider I was bitten by.

c) refused to give me a prescription for ambien after I said "If it was a spider with wings I'm not going to sleep again. EVER!"

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 2:59, you must have seen Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.

Capcha = velodui

WTF?

Blob Dobbs said...

Those leaves are too serrated to be poison ivy.

JGrim said...

Anon 2:49, I'm sure it was not the fact that he was a fi-serv dork that put him over the edge. It's the sext-fecta of Williamsburg + Child Portage + Cargo Bike + Fund Manager + Reynard + Brunch! + Manhattan home that did it.

Snob, hope your axilla and/or oxter are feeling better.

esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

every piss i've ever taken on every ride when i take a piss, someone says "you just walked through a whole bunch of poison ivy.

NOT
EVER
ONCE
WAS
IT
POISON
IVY

So cut out the Poison Ivy shit, ok?

Dooth said...

I'm not a doctor (nor do I play one on t.v) but I'm pretty sure wearing black socks with tight shorts causes an outbreak of hives.

Astroluc said...

Stress (emotional, mental, physical) induced hives are something that I too have sporadically dealt with over the decades and, interestingly, they have recently been occurring much more often... after several trips to the doctor I just started taking a daily 24hr antihistamine to good effect.

My Doctor has said that over the past year or so he has seen a radical spike in this type of skin condition and is at a loss to explain it.

Sorta scary considering swelling of the tongue and lips.

Onespeed said...

That's what one gets for acting rashly.

Udder said...

Allergy detection is pure fucking voodoo. They don't really know squat.

Testing consists of getting injected with a bunch of suspected irritants and seeing what you react too, then injecting you with it weekly, for years.

Didn't work for me, my wife or my children for several different allergies.

Just hope you outgrow it.

And don't get me started on all the asshole hippies demanding "gluten free" this and that and parents who want peanut butter banned from school lunchrooms because they think Little Timmy will die from exposure.

Big Fat Looser said...

I was puzzled by the expression had been resorted to but I'm often puzzled. I would have expected had been reduced to instead.

Anonymous said...

maybe you're allergic to your giant road bike stem? I'm sure I learned something about stems and allergies once?

DB said...

Oh, great. First Weiner and now Spitzer is running again? I think you New Yorkers are too forgiving.

dnk said...

I can forgive Weiner for being a schmuck and twittering his weener.

But I can't forgive him for being a complete fucking schmuck about bike lanes.
=

D2 said...

I took a spill on my bike earlier this year and while I laid there doing a mental inventory of all my body parts, no one who passed me asked me if I was ok. For some reason, I thought this was absolutely hysterical and LMAO which made them really nervous.

Glad you were ok, snob.

Roille Figners said...

I know huh. Weiner, Spitzer... what's next... Blagojevich?

commie said...

I recommend a homeopathic therapy, or, if you cannot afford that, do nothing, which is equally effective.

9W Capital Management, formerly Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker, Wanker & Wanker Capital Management.

Good to see Wanker finally made partner after all those years of hard work.

BENA DRYL

Anonymous said...

sounds like you might be in the advanced stages of syphillis.

Anonymous said...

On the odd chance that it's helpful, I'll chime in and say that my allergist diagnosed me with "autoimmune hives." I mostly get small red itchy bumps, with occasional bouts of angioedema and dermatographia, and a daily dose of store-brand Zyrtec keeps it under control. I haven't had problems with dizzyness, though. For me the food allergy tests were all negative, and I also tried eliminating suspect foods from my diet and then re-introducing them one at a time, but I never found any food causes for the hives. On an unrelated note, I have learned the hard way that I am allergic to cashews, or more specifically to digested cashews. I'm fine while eating them, but a few days later, well, let's just say they cause a rash on the way out. An extraordinarily itchy rash. In a place that you can't scratch in public.

Anonymous said...

I was walking my bike down the road a couple years ago because I got double flats (and stupidly only brought along one tube) and several passing cyclists who asked if I needed anything. It was touching. I'm a little surprised that you would get more responses lying on the side of the road. I personally would have bunny hopped over you and said and said something like "suck it elephant man".

Comment deleted said...

Roille, I missed your bike stand comment amongst all the swelling and misery.

Black iron pipe works nicely, too. A woodworking-style pipe clamp holds the bike securely. I'll snap a pic if anybody's interested.

Total cost: about 25 bucks, including the clamp.

jayteepee said...

I once found myself l̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ l̶a̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ sprawled across the side of the road after being sideswiped by some douchenozzle. As I laid there with the ass ripped out of my stretchy shorts, blood oozing from my arm and leg, and a cracked helment, a gnarly bearded, birkenstock wearing (with socks of course) recumbent rider approached. As he pulled alongside, the best help he could offer was an "on your left". With apologies to RCT, I've fucking hated recumbents ever since.

Anonymous said...

Man, can't think of anything more boring than a bunch of people trading stories about their allergy woes, sounds like a freakin' retirement home here.

Once I was walking my bike homewards after exhausting my two spare tubes, I tried hitching to the nearest gas station to call my mom. While trying to maintain patience as motorists zoomed past ignoring my pleas for a ride, one proto-douche (this was in the mid-eighties) stopped and asked me directions, thanked me but declined to offer a ride. Wished I had sent him in the other direction.

Synonymous said...

I'm susceptible to hives when I exercise soon after eating. And they're the deluxe hives, too--the ones that scare my kids when they see me. The first time it happened, I noticed my torso was really itchy. I was on a ladder when I passed out that time. Now I take a zyrtek every morning and I am supposed to carry an epi pen, but I'm too chickenshit to use it, so I always carry a benadryl.

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 5:15: flat tire stories are infinitely more interesting. Thank you for cutting through the boredom like a knife through smegma.

ETF said...

Mr. Bike Snob, 1)why would you lease a Hyundai if you have an Antarctic blue Super Sports Wagon. Just asking. Oh nice blog today.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No offense taken Jay,

If this will make you feel any better the recumbent world is all up in arms because Strava has banned us from their little online fredgasms.

click & laugh here

ETF said...

Mr. Bike Snob, Maybe your body was telling you something, such as, "riding like a "Fred" is stupid and if you haven't the sense to stop, I'll give you a reason." Being allergic to being a "Fred" is a good thing.

Anonymous said...

I would bet it's a food allergy causing the hives. Miserable. Difficult to figure out the trigger. Sometimes you must ingest a lot of the trigger food to get a reaction, sometimes not. Sometimes it surfaces within hours of eating or sometime days. Start with the most common ones, like seafood, peanuts, etc. Doesn't matter if you have never been allergic before. In the meantime use Benadryl or Zyrtec when symptoms surface.

Roille Figners said...

CD - I think I saw something like that on "the internet"... always meant to build one, but now this massive piece of shit will serve both purposes. (I needed something sturdy to hold a vise absolutely still for cleaning up my shitty brazing on my handmade(*) artisanal(*) steel bike frames. But now if I want to use it as a mechanic's stand I can bolt the frame clamp on there instead of the vise. It's totally an awesome pain in the ass!

(*) douche

Of all the Finnish rock bands, my favorite is

5 ekidersi

jayteepee said...

RCT, thanks for the much needed laugh. I equate Strava users with the types of people who are "mayors" on Foursquare.

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jayteepee said...

As lob as my witness, I really am not a bot. I can't say that's ever happened before.

McFly said...

Dafuq is this WEBMD or what. Yo Jay ease up on the publish boss.

Blog Drafter said...

Epic comment just before me, I'm humbled.

I ask, "You OK?" on every ride, to myself.

Great post, Snob.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Being a real New Yorker, maybe you are allergic to less polluted environments??

Alpine Boat Basin Capital Management said...

9W Fund Management = fred fred fred fred fred fred fred fred fred

xoxo,

APBBFM

Frilly Chick said...

Oh and Happy Belated Birthday McFly. xxoo

Anonymous said...

'Idiopathic' is the word to describe your condition. If it's not an allergen, it's probably a food intolerance. Go grain free for a while, if nothing else works. I know it's not the same but you can dunk a banana.

Anonymous said...

the last time i stopped for someone who was on the side of the road, I got rear ended by a woman who was extremely likely to have been on her cellphone.

not only did it total my car, she almost hit the person i was trying to help when she locked her brakes up after looking up from her tweet or whatever and seeing my car stopped.


as you can imagine, i now am quite hesitant to stop for any reason at all on any ordinary road. not saying i would never do it, but ... i would definitely think twice and maybe just call the police, who themselves regularly get run over on the side of the road while trying to help people.


i think the ultimate solution is to just have an entirely separate system of roads - one for cars, one for non-cars.



Anonymous said...

My father-in-law collects and restores art. Husband checked out the photo of the frame and said, "Dad would pay $500 for a painting if it were in that frame, and throw away the painting."

Anyway.

P.S. Scranus.

Anonymous said...

I would have just arced around your prostrate form and pointed you out as a road hazard or given the wobble hand for rough road in case the pack didn't want to break their line. But then I would have stopped to help after my performance art of callousness had elicited the inchoate incredulity that would make Larry David proud. You're welcome.

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Snob.. Next time, pictures of the hives themselves or it never happened.

If I saw some stupid fred with black socks lying on the side of the road I would have bunny hopped his dumb ass.. and I might have given you a blast from my water bottle on the return trip as well.

dumb ass..

Hives are certainly stress related most of the times, but it is only the last phase of a cascade of events. There is an imbalance in your endocrine system for some reason (probably diet).. It's just waiting for a trigger to show itself and some sort of stress is all it takes. When you start exercising you probably get a release of endorphines (you didn't reach the Fred Whoo Hooo speed did you???) which started the cascade of events that resulted in hives. Try adjusting your diet radically for a couple of weeks (try a Paleo diet) to clean you out and reset your system.. Bet it works... The creams and oatmeal baths will help the symptoms, but not the cause.

Don't go all new aged crap to fix this.. it's just that your getting older, reaching middle age, and your body chemistry is changing. Shit like this happens and you will get over it.

You are welcome.

I would sooo love to stab you in the heart with that Epipen needle...

Anonymous said...

I am surprised that a road crew didn't stop to cordon you off with some flashing light barricades like they do when they find a banana peel on the sidewalk. If you had flung your bike over the railing maybe you could have convinced motorist assist that you really were a motorist whose car had gone over the embankment and that you really do have a license and pay road tax, honest.

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine that a guy who has been to an actually school trained allergist and presumably some other medical professional physician, would welcome advice from random internet people.

So here is mine: don't ever stop to photograph a ghost bike, <a href="http://fox59.com/2013/07/08/police-teens-robbed-monon-trail-cyclist-at-gunpoint/#axzz2YVVTEc7o>because you will get robbed</a>.

Synonymous said...

Snob, it's strange so few people stopped to offer you help; do you suspect criminality?

VOR (Voice of Reason) said...

ANON 7:34 PM "I think the ultimate solution is to just have an entirely separate system of roads - one for cars, one for non-cars." It's amazing you say that. The Dutch have decided that the faster the motor vehicle traffic, the further bicycle riders should be from them. Sounds like a good idea to me. There are some neat videos on the subject.


Anonymous said...

UOKB SNYC

Anonymous said...

I too get hives on summertime rides. Never in the winter. For me it's purely a matter of sun, extreme Louisiana heat and humidity. Any ride over an hour long and I get them all over. Before they get bad enough that I get into trouble I stop somewhere and get some COLD rehydration. It looks a lot creepier than it feels.

Anonymous said...

Ideal situation would've been if someone could've casually sat alongside the road with you until your wife arrived.

We've got a sticky spot on a very popular bike trail in Seattle (Portland's uvula) where the trail splits into 2 narrow paths for about 100 yds, one upslope of the other. Every week some westbound Fred decides he can't just chill until the paths join, no, he MUST pass everyone! Right now!

Since the split isn't wide enough for two, Fred falls off the westbound path and cracks his head on the lower eastbound path. A crowd gathers, no-one thinks to call an ambulance on their cell phone (cell phone is only for Strava!) and some panicked biker runs into the Metropolitan Market grocery store nearby shouting for help.

Sigh.

Hope you get the hives figured out.

Jed said...

"cellphone only for Strava" and sometimes Spotify.
Sorry to hear about the human condition getting in the way of a little fun in the sun. I suffer from crippling back muscle spasms. You never met a meaner asshole when Im all clenched up. Being vulnerable really messes with your head. And then it gets better. And I go back to being my normal asshole self. Friends and family learn to appreciate the normal asshole a lot more when I'm standing rather than crawling. I wish you the best in figuring out that reaction. I can't picture you with Botox lips. Wait...are you...Nevermind..

Anonymous said...

I really loved the epiphany you reached..."I'm an asshole". You often reach the pinnacle of blogging with your posts, but lately I find myself identifying with ChamoisJuice way more than your followers. Do any of your readers actually ride? Don't stop doing what you do, it obviously is in demand (I have legitimately purchased your books to stimulate me on my business travels), but seriously....HARDEN UP. I would rather die on the side of the road than call the Mrs. for a ride home. Ditch the family if you have to, blog less, and ride more.

Anonymous said...

Obviously, CJ's idiotic "goofy tiller effect" has a ring of truth to it, no?

Praise Lob, for He has (hath) forewarned you of the prickly heat of the Boiling Pot should you transgress much more than you have. It is only a start that you have confessed "assholeness".

"Confess, old woman, confess!"

Anonymous said...

Hivestrong! Where can I get my angry red bracelet covered with bumps? A kickstarter for a cross country odyssey in polka dot kit to raise awareness?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 11:20pm,

HARDEN UP. I would rather die on the side of the road than call the Mrs. for a ride home. Ditch the family if you have to, blog less, and ride more.

Yeah, great advice. I may be an asshole, but I'm not a moron.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Mario 9:03. Freakshow in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle is probably what the pictures would look like. Nonplussed maybe. Nonpussed unlikely.

Not a doctor said...

Hey Snob,

All the best solving your allergy issues, its a sure-fired way to suck the fun out of life.

My exercise-induced hives started at the same time I got epstein barr virus (glandular). It improved gradually over a few years, but occasionally flares up. Best explanation I could find is that it happens whenever my immune system is compromised from something else.

Comment deleted said...

Hmm, a gaggle of anonymous assholes...who could it be?

Yarpo said...

145st!!! Feeling like Smukulis, but looking blotchy with the Tinea Versicolor affliction that makes the skin on my torso look awful after perspiring heavily, like after a bici ride on a hot day, like today. Luckily, it doesn't itch, it just looks bad. So I got DAT goin' fer me, which is nice...

Hope you find a hive cure, Snob. The Commentariat is a veritable College of Hive-istry so you might as well try EVERYTHING they have offered up as a cure.

To think that hives could elicit more comments than discussions about bottom brackets, scranii, Cipo's oily hair, jew baiting, and misguided Kickstarter campaigns!

Anonymous said...

Snob - I'm glad you are now carrying an epipen. While it will counteract the shock you are experiencing, only benadryl will halt the underlying cause of your fainting feeling. Next time you start itching, immediately pop the benadryl and pull out that epipen. If lying down doesn't help, or if you are having trouble breathing, don't hesitate to use it.

EMT Baker

Anonymous said...

Clariten. Take 1 every 24 hours for a couple of weeks. No more hives.

Best crowdsourcing sites said...

Afterward you begin tingling, quickly pop the benadryl and haul out that epipen. Assuming that resting doesn't help, or assuming that you are having inconvenience breathing, don't dither to utilize it.

leroy said...

Clearly you are allergic to mountain lions and had a delayed reaction to the dander left behind by the one sleeping on your car hood.

JB said...

If Snob did everything that has been suggested in this comment string, he'd be dead and his mansion full of bikes would be on fire.

Good thing you weren't on your crabon bike. Leaning against that guardrail would have voided your warranty.

McFly said...

I wish I had a nickel for everytime I have been woken up from a sound car hood slumber with an airhorn. I would have twenty cents. The gunning of an internal combustion engine is much more effective.

ticks r'us said...

Yeah, try Columbia County, it's the epicenter of Lyme Disease.

Anonymous said...

I hope you are flooded with whatever you are allergic to and die a writhing, miserable death.

All my sympathy for your condition. Where do I send the flowers and get well card?

El Bonquistador said...

Dear Sirs or mostly Wlidcat,

First, I'm sure someone's said this stuff but, as an 'Murican, I believe it all bears repeating.

Segundo, I can assure you that your hives a result of that bike. Send it to me and be cured. HEALED I say!

Turd, I'm pretty sure a person cannot be "resorted" to anything. I think that term 'resort' refers to a conditional choice, often not optimal. Choice, however, is the key. Since you had none, I believe you were actually 'relegated'.

Finally, ignore this. I woke up at 6am to watch the tour and I've been drinking ever since... oh, and the doping, always with the doping.

So, I got that going for me...

Kelly Anne said...

Kitty's sweet, sweet revenge.

Philip said...

I read "Jobstian." 'Cause that makes sense.

BikeTinker said...

Funny funny comments today. And now I know to stop and say, "do you want me to stay and talk about random shit until your person comes, or would you prefer to die alone?

Anonymous said...

The hives could be also be due to:

an allergy to something that you have eaten before riding that is provoked by exercise

a reaction to a very stressful workout you did in the few days previous to your incident

Try prophylactic benadryl

Grammadog said...

Always late to the party, that's me...by any chance do you take a niacin supplement, or anything with niacin IN it? or per'aps recently change from a niacin containing substance to a different niacin containing substance? A decent niacin "flush" as it is euphemistically called will scare the bejesus out of ya'

The Dude Abides said...

You need to come to Boulder where going a wheel is a pleasure amongst the halcyon gently flowing creek bike paths.

Anonymous said...

FINALLY PENETRATION bb
she said,
I was up above it, now I'm down in it...

The last fourth went like this... I rode to the drug store to buy Durex lube&instead soft cups.
As I was leaving the parking lot I chose to go out the other exit rather than go out the way I came. I saw two police vehicles [UN-marked/marked] in the left lane{which was a turning or "go straight" lane" waiting for traffic signal. I rode into the empty right lane {turning/straight} I positioned myself in front of the first vehicle in the left lane as I was going to turn left in the first place.(If I would have picked the other exit I would have just gone straight but would had a harder time turning into the flow of traffic because of two lanes oncoming traffic & getting across into the opposite direction would have been that much harder.) All at once I hear this speeding vehicle rushing towards the red traffic signal. It was the UN-marked police vehicle with the other police vehicle behind it. The window automatically rolled down&he said "You know you have to follow the traffic laws like everyone else;you can't cut through here&take everyone's turn in line. The person behind you could have wanted to go straight & now they have to wait for you to turn left. You probably ruined their day because of that." I just agreed with him because I didn't want him to abruptly turn his squad vehicle into me he seemed drunk.{I should have gone his plate#}The traffic signal turned green he burned rubber&was first to leave as the other Police vehicle trailed behind. Two words for you: BIKE BOX! I bet he was going to turning left in the first place, picked me out because I was wearing a reflective vest,full face,chrome,"odd"bicycle&nothing do. I know he has a pea-on brain & not at all endowed. bicycle box

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Especially when they involve calling your mom.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Hahaha I know the spot you are taking about. I am the slowest Person on the Burke-Gilman, children pass me, etc. Freds hate me when they meet me there.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

I'm behind on my blog reading. I know I'm too late to correctly diagnose you and save your life the way the rest of these commenters did. However, I would like to point out sometimes you can be allergic to some of these synthetic fabrics that are so prevalent around us perhaps might be in some article of bike gear you might be wearing. for example, I am an IT person and a lot of tech covers and sleeves and things are made of some type of neoprene makes my skin breakout within 30 seconds of touching it. no one seems to believe that a person can be allergic to neoprene, which is why I'm bringing it up. well, I hope you lived long enough to read my comment, but if not, please do not sue me for medical malpractice.

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