Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Wednesday: It's Chock-Full of Mid-Week Deliciousness!

Good news!

I found my sunglasses:



They'd been sitting in there since Monday night.

I live on a quiet street.

Then, after dropping my 17 kids off at child labor summer day camp (their adorable little hands are ideal for making Specialized clothing and accessories), I took a little detour to do some backroads Big Dummy hill climbs while the temperature was still under 90 degrees:


(Crotch cam!)

I don't understand the logic of Freds who "train" on crabon bikes with crabon wheels, because where do you go from there?  On the other hand, when you spend 90% of your time riding a Big Dummy in flip-flops (fuck yeah, I ride my Big Dummy in flip-flops, it's hot as balls out and I gave up on life years ago), the next time you get on a Fred bike you'll feel faster than an olive oil-drenched Cipo on his way to an orgy.

Yesterday I didn't have my sunglasses and my eyes were burning out of my skull as I attempted to dock a Citi Bike in Brooklyn in the thick of a heatwave.  Every week I do the same Citi Bike schlep from Brooklyn Heights to DUMBO (Douches Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass), but for the first time my usual dock was full.  So was the next closest dock.  And so was the next-next closest dock.  So now I was stuck with a Citi Bike and nowhere to put it.  The Citi Bike app?  No help:


(The Citi Bike app is useless as a bra on a cow.  Or a nosering on a pig.  Look, I don't know, I didn't grow up on a fucking farm, OK?)

By this point I was ready to sell the Citi Bike to a passer-by for $50 and then report my credit card stolen.  Suddenly though, I had a stroke of genius: I'll dock the bike at the nearest housing project!  The sorts of people who ride Citi Bikes are scared shitless of public housing!  Sure enough, there were plenty of docks at that station, though unfortunately I was now nearly as far from my destination as I had been when I checked the Citi Bike out in the first place.  Also, I nearly passed out from heat stroke, since immediately after docking the Citi Bike I ran as fast as I could until I saw my first artisanal food truck.  Boy, I sure wish they'd finish gentrifying Brooklyn already, because some of these places are scary!



Then, on my way home, I was crossing a one-way street at an intersection with a stop sign when a salmon on a Craigslist Peugeot blasted through it and buzzed me so closely that I could practically feel the frills of his disgusting ass-worn jeanshorts:


(But, you know, at least he's wearing a helmenent, right?)

He stopped afterwards, which was when I took the above photo.  I thought briefly about telling him what he'd just done, but it was just too goddamn hot to get into it and even thinking about it made me tired.  So instead I figured I'd just take his picture and make fun of him on the Internet.

Afterwards, I checked out another Citi Bike, and as I rode it I reveled in the fact that I looked nothing like a typical Brooklyn cyclist.  No jean shorts, not helmenenent, no messenger bag worn ridiculously high and tight or else ridicuously Sid-Vicious's-bass low like The Green Tank Top Salmon, no brand-new Surly Crosscheck with the reflectors still on it and the handlebars at a weird angle...  Just an anonymous schmuck with some corporate advertising between his legs, squinting in the blazing sun because he's lost his sunglasses.

I guess what I'm saying is that I love cycling and I love the cyclists of New York, but they're also huge doofuses, so I want to do everything in my power to disassociate myself from them short of not actually riding a bicycle--just as the NYPD will do everything in its power to stomp out cycling, as Leroy inorms me:


(Wow, they really do hate bikes.  Have you ever seen a UPS truck get towed?)

Actually, if I want to disassociate myself from the typical Brooklyn cyclist when I'm in Brooklyn maybe I should just dress like Bret--who, a reader informs me, has made the pages of L'Équipe (or at least a website associated with it):

It's almost as if he's riding in the Tour de France itself, and it fills me with joy and pride to see how far he's come since those early days hawking questionable unguents in the pages of VeloSnooze:


By the way, if you're one of the people who have commented or emailed to let me know that Bret (and Bret, Jr.) are featured in the WorkCycles ad over in the right-hand margin, I can assure you I'm aware of it and am in on the joke:


I may have my head up my ass, but I'm not that out of it.

Speaking of the Tour de France, which I'm not following, Klaus of CyclingInquisition is and he tells me that the captain of the FDJ team actually suffers from going-fast-on-his-bike-phobia:


"Some people are afraid of spiders or snakes. I'm afraid of speed. It's a phobia," he confessed.

Wow.  In professional cycling, being afraid of going fast on your bike is almost as crippling as being afraid of needles.

In any case, if you're wondering why there hasn't been a French Tour de France winner since Bernard Hinault, this sort of hiring practice could help explain why.

Meanwhile, race leader Chris Froome is carrying a rare African parasite:


Really, it's pretty clever of him to spin this as a handicap when every parasitologist worth his stool collection kit knows the bilharzia parasite is a formidable cyclist and imparts the gift of superhuman speed upon its host:



Expect to find more members of the peloton administering papercuts to themselves and wading through African swamps during the off-season in the coming years.

Lastly, remember the bike-hating Scion commercial that reduces cyclists to "obstacles?"


Well, they've pulled the ad and apologized:


Scion sincerely apologizes to members of the bicycling community that might have been offended by a recent advertisement. It was certainly not our intention to do so as Scion has great respect for bicyclists. Scion is sensitive to your opinion and in response, has made the decision to remove the advertisement.

In other words, they pay an ad agency a fuckload of money to make commercials for them.  At no point in the process does it occur to anybody at the ad agency or Scion that maybe calling cyclists "obstacles" is really fucking stupid.  Instead, they just put it out there, and then they make it sound like they're doing the consumer a favor by letting them consult on their ad campaigns for free.

Fuck them.

As far as I'm concerned, there's only one car ad in the history of car ads that I can actually get behind:


Maybe Scion's ad can say "For man-boys who like to pleasure themselves while watching 'The Fast and the Furious.'"

They can have that for free.

103 comments:

Anonymous said...

PODIO

g. said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

podium

Eurodude said...

weed is good on a nice, hot summer afternoon..

DB said...

Armed Brifters takes podium.

streepo said...

scrantacular!

Billy said...

Top 10 yeeha!

babble on said...

Mmmmmm Wednesday...

Yarpo said...

No Podio por Yo! Ave Maria PuRISSIMAAAAAA!

That's how Mom says it, anyway, still, to this day.

Now to finish reading yesterday AND today.

uidndap 55

DB said...

Haha!
Bilharzia double pace line.
You are good, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Po di o, oh oh, Po di o, oh oh

VOR said...

"I'm afraid of speed." If more people were afraid of speed, our streets (and sidewalks) would be much safer!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Pinot jaune.

babble on said...

Holy fuck you DO live on a quiet street. Round here if you leave a car seat on the lawn overnight people figure you're giving it away for free so it quickly goes bye-bye.

ETF said...

There are quiet streets in the NY metropolitan area?

babble on said...

Heh heh. Yer sooooo funny.

I've a hill phobia. Hills hurt and I'm allergic to pain- it makes my eyes water. But I climb the big fuckers anyway cause when you get to the top, well, then you get to go reallyreallyreally fast all the way back down again!

DB said...

David Walsh is writing an article on Froome in this Sundays London Times.
Hmmmm.

babble on said...

Frilly - quick! The goon squad is looking the other way - give us another glimpse of the girls, mmmkay?

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland! is even hotter and stickier.

Comment deleted said...

I've been mulling a fred-directed invention for some time now. It's a drag wheel that you can mount to the frame of your weightless plastic bike in order to get back all the training mojo that your weightless plastic bike has stolen.

ETF said...

Good Morning Babble on, I find it hard to believe that there are thieves in Canada who use the "I thought they were giving it away excuse" to steal. I thought the Government of Canada (and the Queen) guarantees it's subjects everything they need and everything they don't need thusly eliminating the need to steal. "A bicycle in every garage (pronounced "ger addge")!"

Comment deleted said...

Yeah, Frilly. Also, I still want to see Abe Vigoda's "girls".

ChamoisJuice said...

smoke weed everyday

Anonymous said...

Babble on, being selfish today, are we? Google goons need loving too!

ETF said...

Comment Deleted, well, said. My idea was a small parachute like running backs and sprinters use to increase resistance.

Comment deleted said...

ETF, that's a beautifully simple alternative...which is why freds will like my invention more.

BamaPhred said...

According to the Wikipedia, this parasite condition is readily treated by one annual oral dose of something called praziquantel. I'm not so sure I'm ready to bestow hero clean status to leader of Tour for being brave and racing clean. C'mon man. Must be a slow day for news. Anyone got a tapeworm? I hear some folks are self infecting for weight management. Eeeewwww!!!

crosspalms said...

I just rode over to the Jaguar showroom, but I was too late, they're all sold out. Power of the press, Snob, power of the press.

Anonymous said...

Aviators?
Really?
It's all beginning to make sense.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:38pm,

What, that I don't like the sun in my eyes?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"In professional cycling, being afraid of going fast on your bike is almost as crippling as being afraid of needles."

Gold snobbie, Gold.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob,
I agree with you about the 'training' on a heavy bike...

I ride my heavy commuter (about 35-40 lbs) every day of the year (about 5500 miles/year), so when I decided to go back to mountain bike riding this year, I found out that I have pretty good/strong legs.

I did a long distance mtb race just for fun, starting at the back of the crabon bunch and I finished 24th/150 and 5th in my age group (30-39). I was pretty pleased with that result given that I don't train and ride a heavy-ish 1500$ aluminum mountain bike.

All these crabon weekend warriors could not climb and had poor technical skillzzzz.

I felt pretty good!

Viva the regular riding for fun!

(Sorry I had to tell my tale)

wishiwasmerckx said...

Phil's quote of the day:

"The early rains are going to be effected by the road surface for sure."

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I like your Big Dummy training philosophy. I employ a similar method using my recumbent bike. I ride my hill route on that 30 pound monster (Yes recumbents can climb hills) then when I get on my titanium fred sled I feel like Berto dancing on my pedals after a big steak dinner.

Anonymous said...

Porsche: Too small to get laid in it. But, you will get laid as soon as you get out.

Anonymous said...

SONY BONY

Anonymous said...

That's really scary. I was about to look up Dudley Moore to find out which movie had that Jaguar ad, but I decided to read the blog first. Can your "special sunglasses" see into the dark corners of my psyche? If so, don't tell Babble about that recurring dream where I'm delivering pizza and she has no money.

El Bonkistador said...

I found my glasses last night in an ugly place of the garage. Missing since wheneverthehell the last time I looked over that direction, behind the table saw and under the shelf next to the box of AC compressors. Doesn't seem like the exact spot I put them down but...

At least we're both gogglized!

Think I'll spend the afternoon doping a bit before going on a 'recovery ride' to recover some beer, then perhaps a bit more doping before bed time

Anonymous said...

I like 60s Jags, no cup holders, about fifteen ashtrays.

BTW, being afraid of speed is not a prob in bikeeen. For fuks sake, whizzing along at thirty is like being in that annoying spot between first and second gear in my shitty saab. Get over it fred woohoo.

BIKE SLOW

RoadQueen said...

Nice post today!

Working for the man stinks. Especially when The Man is visiting from corporate.

American politics have peeved me off. Feeling meh, today.

I need to ride something. NOW.

naHumpt 120 <----- How does it KNOW?!

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob,

Dare I point out that your cow-in-a-bra appears to be a bull? Maybe that's even better.

brother yam said...

Scion sincerely apologizes to members of the bicycling community that might have been offended by a recent advertisement. It was certainly not our intention to do so as Scion has great respect for bicyclists. Scion is sensitive to your opinion and in response, has made the decision to remove the advertisement.

That's a not-pology. "We're sorry you're offended" is a bullshit dodge that proves that they learned fuck-all from incident and will probably do it again.

RoadQueen said...

"Worthless as tits on a boar hog."

"Worthless as a brassiere on a bull."

Here in Ohio, it's "Hotter than a two-peckered billy goat."

There's some farm for ya, Snob.

You're welcome. For free.

DB said...

Leroy:
Has your dog been skinny dipping?
City Island or Rockaway?

3G said...

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Anonymous said...

God, what bike can I ride in Dumbo on Tuesday to avoid being mocked? Can't ride my Specialized, can't ride my Budnitz, can't ride my Cross Check, can't ride my Peugot, can't ride my color-coordinated Pista from 2009. Maybe I'll buy a Chinese-made Ritte, and ride in flip-flops and cargo shorts. Would that work?

JB said...

Anon @ 1:32pm: Folding bike. Try to parse.

Donald McGuinty said...

Gothamist amusingly discovered recently why all thoze DUMBO citi bike wracks be full all the time http://gothamist.com/2013/06/27/citibike_fail_dumbo_totally_dockblo.php

funny shit. funny, funny shit.

Grump said...

Snobby, my all time favorite car ad, with a bike in it is the 10 year old ad for a Fiat Palio. A guy on a bike, with ear buds, is too lazy to put his foot down at a stop light, so he holds his position by placing his hand on the Fiat's hood. After two or three repeats, at the next light, the Fiat backs up a foot, just as the Cyclist reaches down with his hand......A Classic.
.
.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:32pm,

Ride whatever the hell you want, just don't ride it the wrong way down a one-way street through a stop sign and almost hit me.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

@JB - Of course, thanks. BS - I'll be the guy outside of West Elm on my Brompton and in my Brooks equestrian jacket. See you Tuesday -

Anonymous said...

Snobbie:

Pull your head out of your ass and proof read your posts for typos. Your off your form this week!

Comment deleted said...

Anon idiot @ 2:00,

Irony drippeth from your post.

JB said...

Anon @ 2:00pm typed:
Snobbie:

Pull your head out of your ass and proof read your posts for typos. Your off your form this week!


You did the irony.

g. said...

CD,
Well said. Only better if they had used "UR"

84 twithop? sounds like a failed olympic event.

Anonymous said...

"BSNYC in the Burbs: The ongoing saga of an aging disenfranchised hipster." feel free to use that as the title for your next book. Putting my order in, finally, for the latest. It better be good.

Anonymous said...

"you did the irony." nice.

ken e. said...

comedy gold.

ETF said...

Comment Deleted, my idea can also be used by those "Freds" who are afraid of speed. Just pull the rip cord, and wah lah, instant slowness! Of course, with the "Fredly" lack of upper body strength, I could envision a "Fred" deploying the anti-speed chute and ending up on his ass in the middle of the road with his trusty stead sailing down the road without him.

P. Bateman said...

but i WOULD like a handjob from a woman i barely know....

The King of Park Slope said...

Aviators?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:09pm,

I was going to go with "Fuck It, I'm Leasing a Hyundai," but that's pretty good!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

leroy said...

What's the difference between my dog and Bilharzia?

A. One is a hairy legged parasite.

B. One doesn't complain if you order the wrong wine with dinner.

C. You pass one, the other passes you.

D. Have you ever heard of the Bilharzia Days of Summer?

(DB -- My dog prefers the fountain in Wshington Square Park. I think he just likes swimming where he knows I can't.)

Anonymous said...

Dockblocked, ha!

Dooth said...

Wildcat, I don't think you made sufficient fun out of the Craigslist Peugeot salmon...if I may take up the slack:
As soon as he got the chance, he posted a missed connection..." m4w, I was locking up my blue Peugeot when you walked by and I was captivated by your sexy strut. I didn't feel appropriately attired to approach you, nor could I muster the courage to speak to you, but on a computer I'm all man."

Flyover BC said...

Tits on a boar hog.

or it could be

Tits on a boor, hog.

babble on said...

Queenie, m'dear, I want to come and play at your place. I was just lamenting the fact that my dressage helmet is collecting dust when I read your blog. Some of the best memories of my early life involve weeks-long horseback trips in the backcountry of the Gang Ranch, BC. We saw more bear than people, along with buffalo, wolves and all the rest. Thanks for reminding me. :)

Too true yer training trick, snobber doodle doo. For sure for sure for sure it was the years of hauling kids in trailers and trail bikes that gave me the power to sprint fast now.

Still. The Amsterdam keeps me in shape over the winter, but there are definitely different muscle groups involved in riding a road bike.

Even when I stay in the saddle, there are different muscle groups involved in climbing the big hills than there are when I'm simply hauling ass. What's up with that??!

I'm too dense to be a natural climber, but gravity sure helps on the downhill. Like Contador yesterday, I'm happy to give it everything I've got on the downhill, though I'm way more likely to trip up.

Sigh. I suppose the only solution is to climb more hills...

JB said...

That Froome pic is disturbing. Can someone post a side-by-side with that pic and a praying Mantis?

RoadQueen said...

Babble,

You are a student of the Spanish discipline as well?!

I trained in several disciplines in my past, but my favorite was and still is Dressage.

I wish I could find another trainer around here that was affordable (to me) and worth a hoot. My Tennessee Walker would be a hoot to train in the fast-growing sport of Gaited Dressage. :-D

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Road Queen and Babble...Spanish discipline...gaiters....jodphurs...fitted jackets... high boots...riding crops....

Oh boy, I need to go and cool off.

BamaPhred said...

@JB Good idea. Or maybe next to the Cicada Husk of Despair? CHoD may be too chubby. Parasites help keep the weight off, no wonder he doesn't want to let them go.

RoadQueen said...

Lumpen Fredetariat, it does paint a rather dashing image in the mind's eye, doesn't it?!

12515 Rnellso

WTF is up with these robot codes?? The last one I had actually had a punctuation mark in it!!!

Snob, did you up the hard-meter or something?

babble on said...

Yep. Started in western show as a kid spending summers in the Rockies, worked my way up to dressage even working as a cowboy on the ranch very briefly along the way. That is why I know of what I speak when I say cows are stupid... Now buffalo? That's a whole 'nother story.

But you're right. Dressage is the best discipline cause it's the most disciplined discipline, if you know what I mean. And if you can ride a horse well, you can ride anything. ;)

RoadQueen said...

Babble....I believe our riding discipline theories match EXACTLY. ;)

McFly said...

Nice shades Maverick. What size is your Kawasaki Ninja? A 250?

Mr. Dressup said...

If the brassiere were shifted to the aft end of the bovine it would provide the support where needed. No bull!

the Commentariat said...

Favorite discipline? Babble, I will pay you handsomely to discipline me!

Anonymous said...

Don't you have a Crosscheck?

Pile 'o Schist said...

"...if you can ride a horse well, you can ride anything. ;) "

You hit whistler yet? :P

CommieCanuck said...

"Some people are afraid of spiders or snakes. I'm afraid of speed. It's a phobia,"

He was referring to amphetamines.

Anonymous said...

WCRM @ 12:41

You mean you have fifty bikes and one pair of sunglasses? I'm not believing it.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:44pm,

Well, I do have another pair, but I keep them in THE CAR THAT I OWN so I'm never caught without sunglasses while driving.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

WCRM @ 5:44

Ha ha, good one. Fuck that David Byrne, anyway.

I find your remarks about the pig impudent, or perhaps pungent, or maybe even impungent.

Frilly Chick said...

Truth Anon 12:51!

I hate horses. Or rather horses hate me. One of those fuckers tried to decapitate me on a low beam in the barn. Not trying to be harsh, but this thing seriously wanted to hurt me.

Roille Figners said...

Shoot I'm neglecting my blog-commenting duties. HOW CAN I REGAIN YOUR TRUST?

A punctuation suggestion: "You'll have to, be patient? We're douching the city up, as fast as we can?"

Also, Bret Jr. is actually Bret on a different loop through space-time. FYI.

Comment deleted said...

Seriously, Roille, get with it. A day without your commentary is like a day without...tapir farts.

the Commentariat said...

Horses? I'd like to ride Frilly oppa gangnam style.

the homeowner's association said...

BSNYC, now that you live in the 'burbs, do you have a gardener from the Dominican Republic?

Biggest Looser said...

Leroy inorms you?

You lucky bastard!

My iNorm app imitates the ignorant pedantry of the Cheers character.

Roille Figners said...

"Rollie Fingers. The Tapir Farts of the BSNYC/RTMS/WCRM Blogulariat.(tm)" I like it!

Anonymous said...

The Blogulariat has issued a diktat:

It's a starburst that turns into a black hole in space every morning about seven.

crosspalms said...

Diktat? Sounds painful.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, no coverage of the DRT Portland? You do know that a dude from New York won don't you?

http://bikeportland.org/2013/07/13/disaster-relief-trials-bring-30-miles-of-urban-apocalyptica-back-to-portland-90373

Jasper 66sIX said...

On the way home from the liquor store this mid-humpday afternoon, I encountered several non-cyclist obstacles. One was a heavy black ring that helps gravity to adhere construction cones to the road surface. The next four(?) were boat cushions as far as I could tell. This being Eye-duh-hoe, I can imagine a good ol' boy what just got hisself a boat cruisin' down the road with cushions flying behind him. These fellers might not know much about boats but they can fuck sure back a trailer! Just try dropping a boat at a busy boat ramp and not having a redneck honk, yell or offer his trailer backing services - gratis. The liquor was for "her" recipe...really...

Euro Spondee said...

For those of you missing the brief appearance of the Frilly boobies, this courtesy of Podium Cafe. I like how they label it as 'assets'. I'll say.

DerZoots said...

SO I'm here at work at 10:28pm and I just find out that I missed the Frilly Tits?
I'm missing the ass-a-tar I had grown so fond of already.
The disappointments keep rolling in.
It's definitely a three or four bowl evening when I get home. Mary Jane she never lets me down.

Robot defense system reads:
1055 ubleXMu

gregoryyy said...

I think that couple to the left of the blinking light (holding dog)...look familiar. Hey,that's Austin!

Anonymous said...

Enough with the OMG its so hot. Cycled into the city last January and it was 47C ... Sydney Jan 18th ... thats 117F .. that was fucking stupid hot.

Ex Henry County Illinois Resident said...

[i](The Citi Bike app is useless as a bra on a cow. Or a nosering on a pig. Look, I don't know, I didn't grow up on a fucking farm, OK?)[/i]

Nose rings on a pig are called Hog Rings. They actually serve a real purpose. Pigs naturally root around to find food. This "rooting around" they do tears up the ground around where pigs eat real bad. For that reason pig farmers put hog rings on pigs to make it painful for them to use their snouts to root around.

In the old days, farmers had special pliers that were just for closing these rings. The rings were copper coated steel and quite useful for other reasons. Nowadays, the common use for this tool and the hog rings is for attaching upholstery at the bottom where it is out of site.

So in short, a nosering on a pig is actually not useless. At least it is not useless to a hog farmer.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the BBCode in the last comment. Forgot blogger actually lets you use HTML.

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 1:53am

Don't forget to mention the humidity. When you complain about the heat in Sydney it is obligatory to mention how its exacerbated by the humidity.

Anonymous said...

Fuck yeah ... hot and wet ... as robin williams once reminded us ..." is fine if you're with a woman ".

Last january was so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat ... and they were both walking ...

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking about this for a while: you slap a BBQ, charcoal,some beer and camping equipment on a cargobike, go for a 30-50 mile ride, have a party AND you still get fit, lose weight or whatever. You need the same effort for riding 100 miles on a decent road bike. I get it when people ride roadbikes for fun, but I see lots of people torturing themselves on bikes that are obviously not for them. And after a few hundred miles they give up and buy a recumbent. But no no, no regular bikes,