Happy Cadana Day!

So this is the 100th Tour de France.  That's a lotta Tours.  Given all the practice, you'd think by now they'd have straightened out at least some of the kinks:

Nope.

As I understand it, the bus remained stuck until retired sprint sensation and international sex symbol Mario Cipollini arrived on the scene and freed it by lubricating it with his abundant natural oils and secretions:

(Mario Cipollini at the Tour yesterday, via Twitter.)

By the way, I shouldn't have to tell you to always wear a jersey while cycling.  Sure, Cipollini can go shirtless, but that's only because he has a follow car to carry his stuff for him.  The rest of us don't have that luxury.  I mean, what are you going to do with that banana if you don't have any pockets?

Eew.

This photo was taken by a reader in Prospect Park, and I imagine his first thought was "Does that Fred have a tail?" before he got closer and made this gruesome discovery:

(He must have fallen for the banana in the tailpipe.)

It's either a powerful argument for jerseys with pockets or against bib shorts, depending on whether or not you like your bananas infused with ass sweat.

Actually, I predict that in 1,000 years roadies will in fact evolve to have tails, which will greatly facilitate drafting:

(Pachyderm paceline)

Meanwhile, the NYPD's push to criminalize cycling continues:

Why?  Because Citi Bike:

But the officer who slapped Briar with the ticket told him police have ramped up their efforts with the rollout of the popular bike-rental program.

Hmm, that's funny.  Hundreds of people are killed by cars in New York City every year, but I don't remember a similar ticketing blitz on drivers when Zipcar launched.

Anyway, while the rank-and-file dimwits may be celebrating this increased ticketing of cyclists, they should know that it's only going to encourage me to break more laws while I'm on my bike, especially when I'm in Brooklyn.  Think about it: $190 is a lot of money to pay for running a single red light on a bicycle.  However, if you've run like a thousand red lights before that without getting caught, then at least you really only paid $.19 a light.  That's a pretty good deal!  Therefore, if you're 81% more likely to get a $190 ticket for running a single red light, then you better make sure you run a shitload of red lights in the mantime in order to amortize that expense.

It's called the Costco Approach To Civil Disobedience.  I mean, what's more American than buying in bulk?

Not only that, but the more the police make it clear that they're cracking down on cyclists just because, the less inclined I am to be a good little girl while I'm riding.  For awhile there, when all the bike lanes were coming in, I was so grateful that I generally made a point of following the laws--not only because it was easier to do so, but because I also wanted to show my appreciation.  Now, I'm a lot more selective, and here's my general approach to red lights:

(Thanks for the advice, I'll take it into consideration.)

The danger with running red lights on a bicycle is that everybody is convinced that they're doing it safely, when in reality not everybody has the good judgment they think they do.  Sure, some cyclists do just slip through safely while not bothering anybody, but other cyclists are fucking idiots.  That's why we have laws: ideally, it eliminates the variable of poor judgment and makes everything black and white.  Stop at the red.  Done, and done.

However, while this makes sense on "paper," it doesn't apply to me.  That's because I really know I have good judgment.  This in turn makes me special, and therefore I am above the law.

See how that works?

OK, so here's when I don't run red lights:

Major Intersections

You may think the intersection of Houston and 6th is clear, but what happens when one of those speeding motorists the cops never tickets comes roaring along?  (Yes, they will ticket drivers, but not for speeding.)  Or what happens if you drop your sunglasses or your smartphone or that Cookie Puss you're portaging while you're halfway through and you stop to pick it up?  "No criminality suspected" for them and splattsville for you, that's what.  So I hang out and wait.  It's really not so bad.  I just do some people watching and nibble on my Cookie Puss.

When There Are Police Around

This should be common sense, but I'm always amazed at how many cyclists run lights right in front of the police during times of highly-publicized bicycle crackdowns.  Usually these cyclists are wearing their "gentrifier infantry"-issued Bern helment and riding some kind of brand new off-the-rack "urban"-style bicycle, so I assume they're recent arrivals and just don't yet understand how things work here.  (Naively, they think all these bike amenities mean the city is actually bike-friendly, which it is not.)  This isn't to say you always know when the police are around, since sometimes they're in an unmarked car or on foot, but if there's a white and blue car and it says "NYPD" on it there's a pretty good chance it contains police.  So if you see one of those, don't run the light.

When I'm Riding a Citi Bike

I don't want to give those tabloid douchebags any ammo, so I follow all the laws whenever I ride a Citi Bike.  Plus, there's even a shallow aesthetic consideration, because you actually look really stupid when you break the law on a Citi Bike.  It's like robbing a bank with a blunderbuss while dressed as a Pilgrim--sure, you're still technically dangerous, but everybody's going to laugh anyway.

When I'm Riding With A Child

This is a little bit for safety, but mostly because I don't want to embolden the sorts of judgmental dickweeds who leave lengthy comments on Citi Bike articles about how cyclists run red lights with babies.

When There Are Pedestrians Nearby

If you run a light while pedestrians who have the light are trying to cross the street then you suck.

When There Are Cars Coming

Duh.



And here's when I do run red lights (with due discretion, of course):

Shitty Little Intersections

You know those little T-shaped intersections on quiet streets where there's a traffic light?  Yeah, fuck that.

When I'm Making A Right Turn

You know how you're not allowed to make a right on red in New York City?  Yeah, fuck that.

When I'm Dressed Like a Fred

If I'm going to unwittingly help fuel the anti-bike backlash, I figure I should at least try to make sure I'm dressed like a Fred.  Everybody hates roadies anyway, so what's the difference?

When The Infrastructure Sucks

When there are bike lanes, bike signals, and so forth and you have the luxury of following traffic laws I believe you should do so.  However, all bets are off when you're in some suburban area where cyclists are less than an afterthought and you don't see a single pedestrian for miles.  We all know that sometimes following traffic laws on a bike is the more dangerous option.  So that's when you need to go into survival mode.  Run lights, ride on the sidewalk, whatever it takes.

Lastly, here's something I just received via email that has nothing to do with any of the above:



That made hurt my brain.