Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Come On Feel The Wednesday.

So I think I figured out my hives.

It's stress.

It's gotta be.

Let's take a look at my life.  First, I live in a hectic metropolis.  You know, the "rat race" and other clich├ęs.  Where you live there are probably trees and birds chirping and stuff.  But this is New York City, and where I live I step outside every morning into a harsh and forbidding cityscape:


(Nobody "boogies down" here, but they do daven.)

Then, I go check out a Citi Bike and have to circumvent paratransit vehicles in the bike lane:


Worst of all, though, are the cats:


("What, you've never seen a cat lick his scranus before?")

Everywhere, fucking cats!!!

So now you see what I'm dealing with: the trees; the convenience of bike share; the cats.  Oh, the cats!  It's no wonder I'm all burned out and hivey.  And on top of that, I have the pressure of being a father, which means I occasionally have to do stuff like prepare macaroni and cheese or say, "Goddamn it, hold the Lysol away from your face when you're spraying it at the lighter!"  (Hey, I have to train somebody to scare off these cats.)  All of it is enough to drive me to drink--or, worse, to bathe:



That stupid dog will never know that the only thing between him and death was a bar of soap.

Fortunately, I don't have to bathe, because I've discovered a retreat upstate just for burnt-out cycling urbanites like me.  It's called "Douche Valley."  In fact, I'm here now.  (Technically, we're not supposed to use the Internet here--something about relaxing--but I told them Who I Am, and after they told me to go fuck myself I paid them $50 to let me use the computer in the office.)

It's really great.  First, we wake up and enjoy a delicious breakfast made from ingredients grown right here in Douche Valley, most of which we urinated on the night before.  (Something about fertilizing it, I don't know much about sustainable farming.  Also, I'm not sure how peeing on chicken eggs helps fertilize them.)  Then we relax with a colonic, after which we go for a leisurely ride through the forest, stopping every few miles at rustic gazebos were we recover with more locally-grown produce and receive more colonics:


(Typical "colonic gazebo" in Douche Valley.)

Then it's back to camp, where we're free to read, or participate in arts and crafts (artisanal mayonnaise making is a big favorite), or simply meditate, just so long as we receive our mandatory half-hourly colonics.

Overall, it's paradise.  Sure, there are some things that take a little getting used to.  For example, because we're supposed to be "detoxing," we're not allowed to have coffee--unless it's administered in the form of a colonic:


("Would you like cream and sugar with that?")

Also, there are a lot of annoying people from Brooklyn, but now that I've gotten to know them and we've gone through so much together (well, colonics mostly) I'm sure they'll be my friends for life:


Sure, at first I was like, "For fuck's sake, you people live in Brooklyn now!  This isn't California.  So could you stop like, inflecting?  Everything you say?  As a question?"  But soon I was won over by people like Jaidee and Andy and their fantastic insights into tattoos:


Jaidee: "I feel like mine are more like art pieces?  You know, they usually don't mean anything but they visually look good?"

They usually don't mean anything but they visually look good?  Wow, Jaidee probably doesn't realize it, but she just put forth perhaps the most elegantly succinct and stunningly accurate description of the people of Brooklyn to date.

Andy: "I think that ever since I started collecting tattoos I care literally less about fashion because I feel like my sleeves are my ink…"

Wait, you collect tattoos?  No, you don't.  It's just some shit you put on your skin.  A serial killer who skins people alive and keeps their tattoos as trophies collects tattoos.  Andy saying he collects tattoos is like me saying I collect hives.

My friend Justin is also a real cut-up:


Justin: "I kind of like embodying a whole look with everything I do?"

Really?  You're just wearing a slightly-longer-than-normal shirt.  Is that such a big deal?  People have been doing that since the Middle Ages:



Anyway, just as Douche Valley started working its magic, I made the mistake of visiting Streetsblog, where I learned this:


The 25,000 figure represents criminal court summonses for sidewalk riding, and does not count cyclists who were ticketed for a moving violation, which is less serious. So the disparity between sidewalk riding stops and neighborhood speeding stops is at least somewhat higher than 6,000.

If I were a skeptical person, which I am, I'd say the police are trying to harass cyclists out of existence, but the silver lining in all of this is that it's still completely legal to run down pedestrians in the intersection with a police van, so at least there's that.

But while I may have made the mistake of checking Streetsblog, I have at least kept my resolution of only paying attention to the Tour de France if something interesting happens--and it has:


Patrick Lefevere has confirmed that a fan threw a bottle of urine at Mark Cavendish during stage 11 of the Tour de France on Wednesday.

Cavendish was competing in the individual time trial to Mont-Saint-Michel when the incident happened and Lefevere believes that the it may have stemmed from action in stage 10 when Cavendish was involved in a coming together with Tom Veelers which left the Argos Shimano rider on the tarmac after a high speed crash.

Yes, Mark Cavendish finally came together with Tom Veelers.

As for the urine, there's a pretty simple explanation for that one.  Basically, an Omega Pharma plant was attempting to surreptitiously slip Cavendish some clean pee in the event of a post-stage drug test.  So clearly this was a botched urine hand-up.

"Maybe you have smell his jersey before you believe," he said when one reporter asked how he could confirm the substance.

Yeah, I smell a cover-up.

Otherwise, I understand that this Froome guy is winning the overall, which zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


Sorry, I fell asleep.  Because I don't care.

Lastly, a spectral presence on a white bicycle is inspiring New Yorkers to keep riding:



Sexy Bicycle Rider on Cool White Bicycle - m4w - 38 (Midtown)
Just wow. You were a vision, not only because of your beauty but because of how relaxed and natural you looked on your bike. I want to ride bikes with you and see what makes you tick. I rode 20 miles after I saw you, so you inspired me to keep riding tonight. You were on a white bike around 57th street, you made a right and disappeared along the West Side Highway Park. Your hair was wet from the rain and your outfit was quite bold while on that bad ass white bike. If anyone else sees her, let me know, $$$!

I'm fairly sure what this person saw was a phantom on a ghost bike, which is great news for the NYPD because it means now they can ticket the undead.  

116 comments:

Anonymous said...

z90 1st

Anonymous said...

Potty yum

Anonymous said...

I ran over my own mother for this mid-pack finish.

Freddy Murcks said...

Touring day France.

209 offebraz

ChamoisJuice said...

boomshakalaka

Tetanus the Clown said...

Scranus

One Hole said...

WEEEED!!!!!

rural 14 said...

Rural 1st!

& I read it.
& I have a white bicycle for bicycle cylcing. But it's dirty. Very very dirty.

132 exactho - robot must know summat

RoadQueen said...

Top Twenty, WOO! It's freaking hot and wet in Ohio. Normally I don't complain about these conditions, but in weather I complain.

Anonymous said...

Top ten?

RoadQueen said...

Fuck that, top 10!!!

xyxax said...

Wooda finished higher if I hadn't been taking my chickens to the shelter.
Replace "chickens" with "fixies" or "artisanal mayonnaise" and "shelter" with "Craigslist".

Anonymous said...

PISS BOMB

dnk said...

Gimme drugs.

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Its all assholes and elbows up in here.

A Cat said...

licking my scranus

Marcel Da Chump said...

Valley douche? Like, oh my god?

Comment deleted said...

I guess that's one way of earning the Maillot Jaune.

Buffalo Bill said...

He put urine at him you say? Zoot alors!

Salad Tosser said...

Bong-Toss Wednesday!

samh said...

"...botched urine hand-up."

To this I say, LOL.

ChamoisJuice said...

I wish I could lick my own scranus (with emphasis on the anus, naturally).

Comment deleted said...

Hey Cavendish, knock knock!

Who's there?

Urine.

Urine who?

Urine asshole.

McFly said...

That was a nice Peta Todd interview yesterday. I did not even get turned off from her holding a little human baby on her hip. Her. Hip.

DB said...

Illinois is no longer the only state in the union without a concealed-carry law as of yesterday.
I'm going to freshen up my leg shaving and put on some clean Lycra Friday and mosey on down to the sheriffs office for a permit.
Crosspalms: what type of personal protection are you considering? I'm thinking flamethrower.

Turd Ferguson said...

I missed the podium. Should have skipped that last pina colonic.

poitbu 35

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

urine dousing? that would be a surprise if you didn't friggin' ruin it!

spoiler alert, dammit

Anonymous said...

Hey snob,

I think you need a better summer camp. Maybe you forget the colonics and try this camp.

You can hang out with the camp leader Fidget Wigglesworth.

I can't think of a better way to spend your summer than that. After you return to DoucheYorkCity, you can give yourself a coffee colonic to "feel" clean again.

P. P. said...

Golden shower!

Anonymous said...

http://tinyurl.com/lc4lt4l

that's the link to the NYTime article on the camp.

RoadQueen said...

CAVN DISH

janinedm said...

I know I betray my pedaling brethren when i say this, but I'm happy that people who ride on the sidewalk are getting ticketed. Happy, I tell you. Keeps me from getting arrested when I inevitably clothesline someone. Look, everyone has different styles and I know we've all agreed to basically live and let live but can there be the basic standard that riding on the sidewalk for more the 10 feet and riding against traffic (when you are not a messenger) should earn you the ire of everyone, from Freds to artisinal fathers to unicyclists. While I'm on the subject of riding against traffic, why do these inconsiderate pussies expect the person riding WITH traffic to exit the bike lane? I got no problem riding with cars (as a matter of fact, I do all the time in order to stay in the flow of traffic), but I try to remember to not do this for them. They'll die or learn. My point is this, the NYPD is raging an unfair and unarguably immoral war on cyclists, but some people deserve everything they get and more. Just this morning, a dude riding UP Fifth Avenue had the nerve to look me in the eyes. can you imagine?

Etherhuffer said...

My ancientness is showing. GET OFF THE LAWN!

And stop the up-talking inflection. Rhetorical questions are dying in the midst of that verbal forest. And vocal fry by young females is just as bad. Why talk hoarsely (see, adverb use!)if John Holmes has not massaged your tonsils?

RoadQueen said...

GLDN SHWR
PISS TOSS
WETR IDER
DRUG SCAM
URIN TEST

IMON FIRE

103 COCKYERS

SCND TRYS

55 kipathe

BikeSnobNYC said...

janinedm,

Unfortuantely this is a typical NYPD sidewalk ticketing.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Roille Figners said...

Wait, did he say he stopped giving a shit about clothes because he has tattoos? What happens when he stops giving a shit about tattoos?

"I like embodying a whole look with everything I do." So like, if I'm hammering a nail or something else useful? (which would NEVER HAPPEN btw) I still try to like, look cool? Like at all times?

I believe they call that a poseur, but I suppose that's a sub-species of douche, so he is still allowed in Douche Valley.

As for the inspiring figure on the white bike: If not for the one use of the word "her" near the end of the ad, I would have said that must be the Lone Wolf!

Big Looser said...

rustic gazebos were we recover

Oh, were we?
Where was that again?

RoadQueen said...

Roille Fingers,

Maybe the bitch on the white bike took out The Lone Wolf and stole his wheels?

GEMT HEIF

ken e. said...

comedy gold. thanks snob et all.

Flyover Bike Commuter said...

I thought everyone in NEW YORK CITY? was a curator instead of a collector.

Any-old-way, I suspect Jaidee's tatoos aren't going to visually look good in about twenty years.

And, the great thing about my little piece of flyover country is that you don't need a permit or license to pack heat, as long as its not concealed. There's this one local Frederic ancien who displays a either a S&W .38 spec or a Glock on all his bike rides, in town. I don't if people respect him because he's old or because he rides a bike, but they respect him because he's armed.

Remember, an armed society is a polite society.

Comment deleted said...

As pointed out here before, there is room for making society even more polite.

Personal RPGs are my recommendation.

Anonymous said...

Dude, you're like totally bringing me down with the streetsblog stories?

Veelers went off line and Cav rightfully put his shoulder in to him and Veelers went all spazzy and fell off his bike, but then afterwards he was like all bitchy about it? Like, whatevs, get over it already, right?

Anonymous said...

The wife talked me into going and getting a colonic once. Turns out that just because I was willing to let someone put something in my ass doesn't mean she was. Last time I fall for that.

Evan said...

I snort laughed when he had to like, check his finger to remember his girlfriend's name for the camera.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

(X)wifey got two summonses for riding on sidewalk in brooklyn... got two letters form court system that both had been dismissed.

me thinks there's something that stinks worse than cat pee with these blitzen.

WCRM, can you investigate?

Anonymous said...

Let me get this straight, you get a few hives and you run up to some detox/wellness retreat? I can only hope that this was just the excuse you used so the Missus would let you go to bike camp. which, by the way, from the looks of your back yard and your one hour a day work schedule, isn't your life really just bike camp?


Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure douche valley implies some sort of wash or shower. Apparently it's an enema.

BamaPhred said...

The cat was just showing you his scranus sleeve tattoo. I sit here thumbing this in with one of the car hood rodents in my lap. And, like there is like, somewhere? In this country? You don't ride socially armed? Isn't that what jersey pockets are for? Glocks? Scranus. And yes, a bottle of cat pee would have to be a WMD.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:30pm,

This is going to totally blow your mind, but I'm not really at a wellness retreat, and there's no such place as "Douche Valley." (Though I'm sure there are plenty of places like it.)

--Wildcat Rock Machine

g. said...

No such thing?
Spoiler alert!

Frilly Chick said...

I find it slightly disconcerting the creeper is offering $$$ for anybody who has info on the girl with the white bike.

PAIN TJOB

Stat!!!

Anonymous said...

WHAT?

no more wednesday weed before you write your post. seriously.

crosspalms said...

DB, I had a Fanner 50 when I was a kid, so I think I'll wait for open carry and wear one of them. The holster was pretty cool, too. Until then I'll just wear a T-shirt that says "Fuck yeah I'm packin'". Or something equally polite.

DB said...

Crosspalms:
The T-shirt is an excellent idea.
The rocket launcher I was going to pack would add too much weight to my bike. Won't be long before Shimano starts making lightweight bike weaponry.

crosspalms said...

Of course the trouble with a Fanner 50 is you look badass, so every so often some guy dressed in black shows up and says, "They say you're fast, Crosspalms. How fast?" And I say, "Naw, I'm just half-fast." Then I draw and blow through half a roll of caps before they have a chance to shoot me WITH A REAL GUN. Other than looking like a badass 10-year-old, I'm not sure I see an upside to carrying a gun. I can be just as polite without one.

babble on said...

Um...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN it doesn't exist? Douche Valley is the happy place in the heart of every Fred.

and

I'm with you, sweet cheeks. Stalker boy is super creepy.

3G said...

Are you staying at the Mount Airy Lodge?!?!?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2758nEdA7M

Anonymous said...

@DB: Brifters that also have a couple rounds of ammo would be an awesome Fred addition to the bike. Just point the bike at the target, accelerate like Cavendish and unload.

crosspalms said...

T-shirt has a bonus, too -- it's really hard to accidentally shoot yourself in the balls with a T-shirt.

shedppl 749? must be for shedsnob and all the Australian/Tasmanian (I'm looking at you, Fat-bottomed girl) shed curators

The Cheat said...

Wow:

Seriously, I have no other words I think:

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/2013/07/10/citi-bike-or-choke-holds-which-is-the-greater-danger?google_editors_picks=true

Limited Perspective. said...

I love the Doric Columns in the Calgon Bath Pavilion.

g. said...

The Cheat,
I love this bit at the end:
"Jeff Halevy is an internationally recognized expert in behavioral health, nutrition and exercise science." But, I think they left the bit about being a "complete fucking moron" off the end. I think that if the average NYC CitiBike user got into an MMA match, that fatality number would climb considerably. And, with 700 people being killed before CitiBike even began, you would think they would have shuttered the thing.

CommieCanuck said...

I find it slightly disconcerting the creeper is offering $$$ for anybody who has info on the girl with the white bike.

I got $20 from him and hooked him up with Dorothy Rabinowitcz.


BTW Snob, there is a nice valley located near Douchy, France, it's right between the regions known for artisanal vinegar and fresh spring water. You don't hear those facts from Phil and Paul.
Mario has summer home there.

The region even has a coat of arms.

Comment deleted said...

Jeff Halevy is an expert at using his head to block roundhouse kicks.

CommieCanuck said...

Cats are like furry homeless people.

HELO KITY

(do recent readers even get the knuckle tats references?

BamaPhred said...

Armed brifters sounds like a good idea, but getting them to register (hit the same point of impact) turned into a challenge. Not to mention you could only hit anything that the bike was actually pointed at. Not bad for taking out the cyclist in front of you, bettering your mid pack finish position. Maybe more humane than running up a downed persons' butt crack for a DNF crash? Plus weight weenies would constantly bitch about the extra weight of the 9mm until naturally someone would come out with a full crabon version. Hmmmmm, maybe something too this. Callig Q, paging Mr Q!

Anonymous said...

WHOC ARES

NOOB SSUK

Missy Giove said...



TRTL PORN

Rule 34, ALWAYS

d2 said...

I just rode on the sidewalk today in protest of NYC cops and al the ticketing. Oh yeah...it's legal here.

Frilly Chick said...

CC that would serve him right!

artisanal vinegar

*chortle*

Anonymous said...

How about James Bond movie featuring a Gran Fondo chase scene. There'd a peloton of bad guys on bikes chasing Bond. He'd be riding a tandem with Babble or Peta on the back.

The tandem would be outfitted with all kinds of cool gadgets like a tack spreader, missles that fire backwards from the ends of the drops, a machine gun that emerges from the top tube, and tire-shredding quick-releases.

The possibilities are endless but my time isn't, so back to work.

leroy said...

Well I for one am quite enjoying the wellness retreat my dog invited me to. Except for the colonics, Calgon bubble bath ban, being chased by menacing reptiles, tattoo arts & crafts, and the loud karaoke parties from the cabin he and his buddies are sharing.

But it doesn't seem fair that he got the cabin with the fridge, air conditioning, in-door plumbing and wet bar and my cabin is a repurposed dog house I saw on the Shed Snob blog.

Anonymous said...

Le Roi,

when you say indoor plumbing and wet bar in the same sentence, I assume you mean toilet.

The Beach Boy said...

Those Calgon legs are a double. Those are Babble's legs. Out here in sunny S. California, where I'm playing tourist for 2 weeks, Trader Joe's has Babble brand red wine, you can have Babble for only $6.99.

db said...

@WCRM: Which bicycle from your vast stable is best suited for a ride on the Road to Wellville?

The Marx Brothers said...

Frilly's Tush as sung by Groucho in "At the Circus"

Frilly, oh Frilly, say, have you met Frilly
Frilly the tushed lady
She has tush men adore so
And a torso even more so...

The Rook said...

Babble! What were doing in The New York? Tempting creepy Twitterer boys with your curvaceous buttocks and gams astride the White bike of The North?

Dooth said...

"I want to ride bikes with you and see what makes you tick"...I get that all the time? And I'm like? Whatever?

Etherhuffer said...

The tick? That's the freewheel>

Mark Alberto Cavendish said...

I swear that piss reeked of clenbuterol. And CERA, definitely CERA.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, I am left to conclude that the further one resides from Chinatown, the more dense the local feline population? That is the conclusion we were to draw, no?

McFly said...

THE RACE OF TRUTH! Man + Machine vs The Clock vs Urine= THE TRUTH!

Anonymous said...

Sexy bicycle rider on cool white bicycle-Sounds like the stalker may have been in Vancouver and saw Ms. babble on riding her white Electra Amsterdam.

ETF said...

Speaking of Bike Share programs, to bad there is not a single all encompassing bike share card where a person could check out a bike share bike in say, NYC, and then ride to, like, Davis, Ca. via Madison, and KC, or, like, Dijon to Paris.

Anonymous said...

A Hot Carl incident is coming soon to the TDF, I just know it..

VOR said...

Janinedm 1:55, I live in a city where it is legal to ride on the side walk. I suspect you are one of those rabid "share the road" people who believe everyone should do what you do and ride amongst motor vehicles. To wish ill upon those who place survival over irrational causes, is quite honestly, fucked up.

Sconeds said...

Young people do that all the time here. It's called a URT (upward rising termination) it's annoying.
And how can the word Tour, pronounced Tour, go from being pronounced Tour to Too Wa.

Beat Sme

Anonymous said...

BikeSnobNYC at 2:02 PM

Oh stop the bullshit.. that is not the typical situation and you fucking well know it..

stop being a fredish drama queen.. Your on the sidewalk on anything but your keds, you should get a ticket.. period.

Red Ruff 'n Sore said...

A couple of TDF stages ago a white dog ran out into the middle of the road right in front of the peloton. Then a guy ran out to save the dog. In a scene reminiscent of a Buster Keaton movie, both realized they were going to be run over and split in opposite directions. All I could think was "Oh the humanity" and then "hey, that's Leroy and his dog".

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 10:23,

Yeah, I'm the drama queen.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Bachman Turner Overdrive said...

Just announced, today actually. Bike Share is coming to San Diego. There are more craft brewers in SD County than any other in the nation. This could be a hoot.

janinedm said...

VOR, I live in New York City where the sidewalks are filled with people who are walking, some of them old and some of them kids. If I lived in Virginia where I have a lot of family, and the wide sidewalks were mostly empty because everyone drives and no one walks, I'd feel the opposite. Towns that make sidewalk riding legal have likely done so because there's space to do it. What's right here is not necessarily right for Toledo or whatever irrelevant to my comment city you live in. Ride on the sidewalks in your municipality with my wholehearted blessing. I'll even venture that there are areas towards the edges of the 5 boros like Bay Ridge or Lobs Country where it would make sense. But! If you did live here and you were like the guy I saw this week who rode down a the sidewalk in front of PS 115 despite the fact that the block is literally full of first through fifth graders waiting for the doors to open (and who are not alert because they're busy talking about Yu-Gi-Oh or whatever it is that's cool now), then I guess I'd think fucked up things about you and it would not be over politics or "causes." Of course sometimes things get weird and you'll have to improvise and bend the law. But a sizeable minority of assholes do not care about the safety of pedestrians or their fellow cyclists and we do them no favors by giving them cover because cars exist and the NYPD is immoral. The sky is also blue.

Frilly Chick said...

Back at ya Groucho! xxoo

babble on said...

Ooooh! Would that it were me winding my way through the streets of NYC this week... but no. Funny, though... some days I feel like a ghost, the way drivers fail to see me. And strangely enough, it happens waaaaaaaaaaaaay more often on my road bike than on the Electra.

That's what Trisha and Dottie over at LGRaB call The Mary Poppins Effect, I expect.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 10:23 PM --

Twenty-five thousand New Yorkers can't all be wrong.

Unless one of them is a cop on her cell phone running over a pedestrian in a crosswalk.

Or a cop blasting the wrong way down a one way street to arrest a cyclist who hopped a curb.

Or a cop ticketing a cyclist for not wearing a "helment."

Or a cop explaining with his ticket that you shouldn't even be riding a bike in NYC.

Or a cop blocking the bike lane on a busy street, forcing cyclists onto to the sidewalk and ticketing them.

Or a cop ticketing a teacher on her way to work for having a handbag on her handlebars.

Or a detective who can't be bothered to investigate the driver of a flat bed truck that killed a cyclist in a hit and run accident.

Health tip: at the wellness retreat happy hour, say yes to the Margarita colonic, but no to the salted rim. The world doesn't need more flaming assholes.

(And for the record, riding on sidewalks in most of NYC is a dick move, but in the pantheon of dick moves, it isn't in the same league as the mundane murder and mayhem that gets a free pass when a car is involved.)

VOR said...

Mr. janinedm, ah but my Podunk little town is relevant to your story. You see, I live in a place where a bicyclist can safely ride on the side walk because it is not an overpopulated megalopolis like New York. And, we have our assholes, just not so many. . P.S. Isn't it ironic that your "immoral cops" are actually on your side with the sidewalk issue. P.P.S. Check out a book called "the Sociopath Next Door." The author places them at 4%. NY megalopolis is what 23 million. Explains a lot.

ETF said...

"Twenty-five thousand New Yorkers can't all be wrong." Of course you can, you're New Yorkers. Ask anyone who doesn't live there.

Anonymous said...

Here in Phoenix, if u don't ride on the sidewalks you will die. Plain and simple. Bike lanes are as common as snowballs in hell, and the streets are filled with teenagers driving lifted trucks.

Sarah said...

Top 100 get!

Yarpo said...

100ty-FIRST!

Why is it dark outside? Where did the day go?

I must be high on...ednodit.

Stoopidd Tattoo Douchebags.

Congrats, Sarah on your gutsy sprint and superior pedal action, beating me to 100th-st-teenth Place. You get the WIWM Trophy, specially reserved for the 100-st-teenth-placed Rouleur de Meh

Chapeau Mademoiselle!

Is it really this late? Was I kidnapped by aliens? Again?

Anonymous said...

The saddle of my Brompton clown bike is giving my scranus jip. SHould I patronise a scranitorium?

leroy said...

Overheard at karaoke party last night:

He is the drama queen,
Hive covered father of seventeeen.
Drama queen,
Feel the rush of the ephidrine....

(My dog is a big ABBA fan. Of course, he'll deny it.)

janinedm said...

VOR, please refer to me as Miss (or Ms if you're nasty) I'm almost out of fucks to give, but I have to explain that no, it's not ironic that the police and I are on the same page about sidewalk riding in theory. We're also on the same page about rape and murder and theft. No irony there either. The immoral part is how they go about their actual policing. There's plenty of honestly bad and dangerously careless people and they go about setting up coercive stings like the one WCRM linked to when they're not Stopping or Frisking someone or not suspecting criminality when someone gets run down in the street like an animal. I still wouldn't seriously consider living anywhere else. Enjoy your town. I mean it. Order an extra appetizer for me at the one Indian place around, which will likely be mediocre and close at 9:00. ...that book is more than 5 years old. Did you just hear of it? Living outside on NYC is worse than I thought...

janinedm said...

leroy, of course you're right. The shifted emphasis in my comments is my reaction to everyone knowing how bad the traffic policing is, but shrugging at our own dick moves. The appropriate response would be a low volume, collective "knock it off knucklehead." But since that doesn't seem to be in the offing, it's one fed up lady shaking her fist.

ce said...

BamaPhred, I've been catching up on posts from the last few days (missed Monday's HIVE MIND) and I thought you might find this story interesting: evolution via roadkill
Scientists predict that the selectively evolved cyclists of the future will use stumpy wings to take flight when avoiding road hazards. Like chickens, I guess.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It's evolution, baby!

ce said...

janinedm, I just made a Pearl Jam reference, inside a chicken crossing the road joke, it's way worse out here than you think.

ce said...

McFly, belated congratulations for your tent sex.

BamaPhred said...

Leroy, it's too early to make me snort coffee through my nose, but for some reason I liked it. Thanks for the laugh. Ce, interesting. Who would have thought?

McFly said...

It was glorious. It got real grippy when the hodgie-podgie started but I stamped my authority on the night with a real turn of power.

Plus it was my brothers tent I had borrowed. Bonus.

staff said...

I love how the Matthew McConaughwannabe describes dressing like you're going to a Jimmy Buffet concert as "skewing younger"- that backwards baseball hat look is truly au courant-not quite as daring as a t-shirt, shorts, sneakers and Ray Bans, or thinking that carrying around your 5th grade pencil case makes you "punk"- but first prize goes to Kat Von Dude who has to look at his finger to remember his girlfriend's name.

ce said...

Clarification: "Like chickens, I guess." - I didn't mean that cyclists of the distant future will have to avoid road hazards such as chickens, I meant that these evolved cyclists will take flight in the manner of chickens, with their stumpy wings. Although, I suppose even in the future there might be occasion when it might be necessary to take flight in order to avoid a chicken. But, what if the chicken also takes flight? What come first, the chicken or the cyclist? Maybe chickens will have lost their wings altogether by then, or maybe they will have enormous wings and migrate across the planet as only their forebears could dream of. Yes, chickens dream of these things. Or maybe they will dream no more, extinct, except for the tissue cells growing meat cubes in the factory farms. Anyway, I hope that cleared things up.

DB said...

I'm guessing Thursdays post will be about Looking Smart on the Pedals, NYT Thursday Styles section.
Just sayin'

Yarpo said...

ce, I had roast chicken last night with a chipotle-oregano-smoked applewood salt rub, and IT WUZ GHUD! FUCKA GHUD!

I hope this adds to the scientific discussion on what came first, chickens or cyclists.

You're Welcome.

ce said...

Thanks Yarpo, I'll pass your data on to Science.

McFly, I suspect, unfortunately, that your bro's folded away tent has now set in that form, like a laminated board of plywood.

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