When Baguettes Are Outlawed Only Outlaws Will Carry Baguettes

Incredibly, the cycling world continues to gear up for the Tour de France with a straight face, and [honestly, who can keep track at this point]-time winner Alberto Contador says he's "at 90 percent:"

Wow, I wonder how he'll get to 100%:

Don't skimp on the "A.1.," Bertie.

As far as I'm concerned, the last honest rider was Jean Robic, shown here worshipping the Great Lobster On High, as forwarded by a reader:

Not that he didn't dope, because he totally did, but because he donated all the proceeds from his "Playgirl" shoot to charity:

By the way, I had no idea Robic had such a formidable list of nicknames until I looked him up on Wikipedia and learned that he answered (and by "answered" I mean "head-butted you in the teeth") to any one of the following:

The hobgoblin of the Brittany moor

(Le farfadet de la lande Bretonne)

Leather-head (tête de cuir)

Kid goat (Biquet)

Yeesh.  That reads like the filmography of an expressionist horror film director.  Really, only Bradley Wiggins's sobriquets can rival Robic's in sheer evocativeness:

The Mod-goblin of West London

Bowl-Cut Bradley

Cuntzalcuatl

Noel and Liam Gallagher's Chimeric Twin

Cock, Frock, and Two Hairy Sideburns

But of course Wiggins isn't defending his Tour de France title this year because like his knee hurts or something, and honestly I can't blame him.  It seems clear to me after all these doping scandals that the only sensible approach to being a Tour de France champion is the "one and done" approach.  Seriously, just take the money and run, because coming back to win it again is like returning to the scene of the crime.  The more times you win the more urine samples they have to pore over, and they're way into examining vintage urine these days.  I mean, this guy didn't even win the Tour and they're going through his pee-pee from 15 years ago:

But don't be too hard on him, because, as he puts it, “I can’t firmly say that I’ve never taken anything illegal."

Coincidentally, at this moment, I also can't firmly say that I'm wearing pants.

I also can't firmly say that I think riding your Citi Bike over the motor vehicle lanes of the Brooklyn Bridge is a great idea:

As I finally passed her (we were almost off the bridge) my daughter snapped those pics with my phone. I was in the left turn-only lane waiting for the arrow when she pulled up and got off the Citi Bike to walk it across the intersection. Curious to see if she was a bike activist, I called out, "Did you do that on purpose?" She looked at me abashed and said "No, that was a total accident. It's my first time across the bridge."

Oopsie!  Having ridden over the Brooklyn Bridge many, many times myself, this seems to me like a really, really difficult mistake to make:

Then again, tourist traffic on the bridge has reached the point that maybe someone who's confused and high on the undeniable excitement of riding a Citi Bike might just assume the bike path is for pedestrians only.

As for whether it was appropriate for some guy to take her picture and send it into a website, that's a matter of debate.  One thing's for sure though, which is that the guy missed a lucrative opportunity to sell her the Brooklyn Bridge, because I don't doubt for a minute that she'd have bought it on the spot had he offered.

Then again, riding over the car lane on the Brooklyn Bridge is arguably safer than following the letter of the law, because Gothamist also reports that a cyclist was rear-ended while waiting at a red light:

This a$$hole was texting as he rolled threw a red light intersection and ran over a guy just sitting on his bike waiting for the light. PLEASE HELP US CATCH THIS GUY...

I tried to block his car with my bike, but he came out and almost accosted both of us. he was too big for us to handle...He sped off with his half way pregnant partner.

You can be halfway pregnant?

Anyway, just for fun, I looked up the driver's license plate on the NYC website (someone posted the plate number in the comments) and the driver has a shitload of unpaid parking tickets:

Interestingly, the make of car on the tickets doesn't match the make of car in the photo, which could mean any number of things, from the witnesses getting the number wrong to the driver engaging in some sort of "switcheroo."  Either way, if only the police were able to somehow use a license plate number to look up someone's address and then bring a driver to justice for running into somebody and then driving away, then maybe then the streets would be a safer place.

Oh well, too bad that's never gonna happen.

By the way, I've often looked up license plates after negative encounters with drivers, and usually the driver has a shitload of parking tickets.  Consequently, I've come up with a crazy theory, which is that people who park illegally all the time and then don't pay their tickets aren't responsible enough to drive cars, but of course you'll never see the police cracking down on that.  Instead, they crack down on cyclists who avoid riding on cobblestones:

Clarkson Street is a major exit off of the West Side Greenway for cyclists heading to points east. It’s also a place where one will find a lot of cyclists riding on the sidewalk, for reasons I’ll outline below. The question I have is this: is conducting a ticket sting at this location an effective use of limited NYPD resources? As is evident in the picture above, there are no businesses that face the street. Pedestrian traffic is very light to the point of not even existing at some hours. Does ticketing cyclists in this location do anything to enhance public safety?

Having often exited the Greenway here I can't blame people for riding on the sidewalk.  I mean, I always ride on the cobblestones, but that's only because I'm really a Fred at heart and get a big Fred boner whenever I see cobbles.  However, a normal, sensible person would clearly avoid this section of street for all the reasons listed in the post, because it is a fucking mess.

In "fairness" to the NYPD though, they actually ticket motorists exactly the same way.  Basically, what they do is find some spot where drivers are breaking the law because they really can't help it (some fucked-up turn lane or merge where traffic gets so backed up it's nearly impossible to be in the correct lane) and they just walk on down the line ticketing drivers like they're making their way through a buffet.

Otherwise, if you're in a car, you can pretty much whip around town doing whatever the fuck you want.

Meanwhile, I've just this very moment learned from Twitter that riding a bicycle in New York City is officially illegal:

Yes, you've long suspected it, but now they're coming right out and saying it:

Incidentally, that's the same street in the above-mentioned "crackdown" post, so it looks like it won't be long before the city has this "riding bicycle" problem licked once and for all.

Lastly, speaking of Fred boners, why not portage yours in a "Baguette Bag," as forwarded by another reader?

About Baguette Bag:

There’s something special about purchasing a fresh baguette while it’s still crispy and warm. The CYAN's Baguette Bag guarantees your trip home from the bakery will never be the same. Made especially for the baguette fans, the Baguette Bag protects the fluffy loaf while keeping your hands free. Place your just purchased bread into this stylish accessory and sling it over your shoulder – now you can bike or walk and carry other groceries in your hands without damaging the baguette. And if you're empty-handed, you can always keep your hands free while walking instead of worrying about protecting the loaf.

All You Haters Protect My Fluffy Loaf.