Wednesday, June 12, 2013

"Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel...." "I feel Tuesday and Wednesday."

Spoiler Alert!!!

Here's how cycling in New York City is going to play out over the next decade or so.

First, the bike share program is going to be scrapped under the next mayor's administration.  Ostensibly, the reason will be that the system functions poorly:


(Citi Bike user performing the "smell test" on her potential choice.)

Secondly, that same administration will largely neglect the bike lane network, perhaps even going so far as to remove certain key lanes like the one on Prospect Park West.

Thirdly, and most significantly, drivers will continue to face little or no consequences for maiming and killing cyclists and pedestrians.  This will never change.

Meanwhile, real estate in the New York City cycling stronghold of Brooklyn will continue to grow prohibitively expensive, and the sorts of young people who ride bicycles for transportation will soon cease moving there.  Gentrification will finally stall out somewhere in East New York.  Those who have already bought in will remain and breed, provided their earning power manages to keep pace with the rapidly increasing cost of living, but they will inevitably become Subaru-ized.  After all, once people have children, it's unreasonable to expect even the most idealistic families to opt for a bakfiets over a Forester when the law offers them no protection whatsoever unless they're in a car.  As for those who can't afford to remain in gentrified Brooklyn or other similarly fashionable areas of New York City, they'll eventually move to the more affordable suburbs, which have become devalued during the last decade or so of extreme gentrification and reverse white flight, and they too will become Subaru-ized.  On weekends they'll drive into Brooklyn with the kids and go to Brooklyn Fleece or Smorgasdouche and show the kids where mommy and daddy used to live before their building got sold and the developer built that big glass tower on top of it.

As for the rest of non-gentrified New York City, the streets will remain full of speeding Escalades, Altimas, and minivans.  Politicians won't attempt to curb drivers' reckless behavior for fear of alienating the "middle class."  Every few days someone will be run down on the sidewalk or pinned against their front porch, there will be a blip in the local news, no criminality will be suspected, and that will be that.  People will continue to accept runaway SUVs as an unfortunate fact of life, along with cockroaches and iPhone theft.

Throw in a few more real estate bubbles bursting and natural disasters and maybe in another 10 or 20 years the city will start flirting with bikes again, but odds are that for the time being we're looking at "peak bike."

Don't worry though, amateur bike racing will be totally unaffected by any of this, and New Yorkers will continue to purchase tens of thousands of dollars worth of equipment to ride around and around the park at 6:00am.

As for me, I'm striking out for Antarctica.  Won't you contribute to my Kickstarter?


(Via a reader, in a roundabout way.)

I'm always moved by the uniquely human quality that drives us to undertake utterly pointless and completely miserable adventures, such as journeying all the way down to the planet Earth's frozen scranus and cycling right into its frigid and forbidding butthole:


I realize a lot of places like to think they're Earth's butthole (I'm looking at you, Cleveland), but you can't argue with anatomy.  If you pick up the Earth and flip it over, you're looking at the South Pole.

By the way, yesterday I took took an utterly pointless and completely miserable adventure when I rode a bicycle all the way from New York City's north pole to its trendy and forbidding butthole in Brooklyn.  Fortunately though, the city provided me with plenty of bike lanes to aid me in my journey:


After riding into the third girder I eventually "took the lane" like a good vehicular cyclist.  Fortunately I was riding my spermcycle, which always commands respect from motorists:



Its fairing also offers plenty of privacy:

"Another freaky aspect of the fairing is that it obscures everything else that's going on underneath there."

Eeew.

Speaking of crotches, here are my pants:


(All my pants are now on the floor so obviously I'm not wearing any.)

Remember how a few years ago everyone started making cycling jeans all of a sudden?  Well, because I have a bike blog, somehow I wound up with a pair of Levi's cycling jeans and a pair of Rapha cycling jeans.  Since obtaining them, I was kind of curious which crotchal area would fail first as a result of all my velomobile sub-fairing self-fondlings, and I can officially announce that the first casualty was the Levi's:


(This could be your wang.)

The hole actually appeared months ago but I only retired the pants when the hole became large enough that I might inadvertently teabag my own top tube.  As for the Raphas, they're holding up much better, but there are signs of potential failure just aft of the scranular region:


Anyway, the Rapha pants cost thrice as much as the Levi's, but it appears that they may also last thrice as long, so the obvious conclusion to be drawn from all of this is that you should just forget about the whole bikey pants thing and just wear whatever's in your closet because your saddle (or your grundle sweat) is just going to eat right through them anyway.

Throw up in your mouth all you want, but this is exactly the crap you need to know.  Plenty of "urban cycling" bloggers are happy to plug this stuff, but none of them actually put their perineums where their mouths are and follow through with a long-term test.

Lastly, a man who may or may not be rock and roll superproducer Rick Rubin doesn't like salmon:


That's the scariest thing I've seen in a long time.

92 comments:

Anonymous said...

POOP DIUM

ChamoisJuice said...

goofy tiller effect

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Low drag.

Anonymous said...

beefy

ken e. said...

so close, so very far

Dingbat said...

depressing.

Anonymous said...

I like "dong" better than "wang"

Anonymous said...

Greetings lob

Anonymous said...

Back!

cycle (missed you guys)

Anonymous said...

Anyone else notice all the podium spots ChamoisJuice has captured since high schools have gone on summer recess?

theEel said...

weed!

Anonymous said...

....and still Red Hook won't get done up....

hey nonny mouse

Fat Daddy said...

Sorry, earth's butthole is Owen Sound, Ontario. if this link works, you can see it for yourself, like an elephant standing on his front legs, Owen Sound is the butthole of the world...

https://maps.google.com/maps?q=owen+sound,+ontario&ll=43.889975,-79.661865&spn=5.882148,10.546875&safe=off&hnear=Owen+Sound,+Grey+County,+Ontario,+Canada&gl=us&t=m&z=7

ken e. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brother yam said...

but none of them actually put their perineums where their mouths are and follow through with a long-term test.

If I could do that, I'd never leave the house...

ken e. said...

rick ruben!
take two

Flyover bike commuter said...

All in all, it's probably a good thing when people don't put their perineum's where their mouths are.

3G said...

Tea bags on top tubes? There's a website for that!

Unbelievably.

Anonymous said...

yes to no sidewalks
yes to no salmon
no to no red lights

DerZoots said...

Toop TWOONTY

Fucken headache still lingers and the despised co-workless is still a shit pile I would like to light on fire with kerosene.

Robot filter: present nhoetr

I need the lunches now. And the weeds.
Never the weeds when you wwant thems.

Flyover BC said...

Low drag is still a drag.

Anyway, I'm waiting for the inevitable picture of someone sniffing a Citibike seat.

If you see someone sniffing the seat of bike they just dismounted, stay away from that bike.

If someone sniffs the seat of a bike someone else just dismounted, you can make your own decision, but keep it to yourself.

ChamoisJuice said...

Anon: Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.

The hole in the pants dick joke would have been 100X funnier if you used a yiddish word for dingle dangle, such as schlong or schmeckle. Phoning it in today.

Anonymous said...

Sorry guys but the rear end of the earth is in New Jersey. If God was going to give the world an enema, you know where he'd stick the tube.

cycle

Logbig said...

STRAVA!!!!!

P. Bateman said...

save your wednesday weeks. i'm going for wednesday white rails. keeps me going STRONG.

RoadQueen said...

Funny thing, I clicked on the top tube tea bag link and to my surprise, BAM! BALLS IN MY FACE!

It took me off guard, but once I got used to the concept, I kinda enjoyed myself. In case you're wondering...yes, I scrolled.

icsmen the

balls™ said...

I remember wanting to feel up Wednesday. Didn't everybody?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Bike Prophet NYC

le Correcteur said...

Top thirty; pack fodder.

Herschel Raney said...

http://devour.com/video/underground-bicycle-parking-systems/

I can't imagine that Mister Snobbishness won't have a comment on this video.

Anonymous said...

WCRM,
Did you know that there are two ends to the compass needle? Neat! Did you know that in other places around the world, they went with south being 'up' on their maps (China)? Are you still there? did I blow your mind?

Respectfully yours, Sand E. Khunt

Anonymous said...

Ow, I feel like I just got south poled.

Anonymous said...

Regarding the velomobile guy, doesn't he know you don't go in the suppository, the suppository goes in you.

Buffalo Bill said...

Why did I expect Mr. Rubin to have a texan drawl?

CommieCanuck said...

I love the engineering of aerodynamic recumbent bikes to commute to work. They could save you 0.0001 watts of energy output*.
Plus, you could be getting a hummer and no one will know, they will just think that look on your face is because you are really, really, into recumbents. Kudos for putting the cum back into recumbents.
(judging by the red squiggles, recumbent is not actually a word).






*-/+ 0.0001 watts

Anonymous said...

Don't teabag your top tube in Antarctica. Your scranus will stick to your Surly.

crosspalms said...

Have a nice day indeed. That was scary.

CommieCanuck said...

f someone sniffs the seat of a bike someone else just dismounted, you can make your own decision, but keep it to yourself.

snnnnnnnnnnnfffffffff....ahhh..begriminess...

Not that you want to know how I know this, but Citi Bike seats smell like Dorothy Rabinowitz, Pine Sol and fear.

Comment deleted said...

He sees you when you're salmoning;
And he knows when you're half-baked;
He knows if you've been running reds,
So pay attention, you fucking flake!

Oh...you better watch out (etc.)

CommieCanuck said...

...and bet a well used Citi bike seat smells better than Rob Ford in July.

CRAK MAYR

Comment deleted said...

If you *had* to felch one, would it be Dorothy Rabinowitz or Robs Fords?

babble on said...

Ding Dong!

CommieCanuck said...

at least with Robs, you are likely to get a contact high...Dot will just suck your life essence out of you.

Anonymous said...

“Escalades, Altimas, and minivans” - and the hand-me-down grey Volvo 240s from Bard.

DB said...

Sorry I'm late, been buying property in East New York.

babble on said...

Yikes. That teabag link is nuts.

Anonymous said...

And once global warming really takes hold, the North Pole will be our abused baby planet's soft fontanelle.

JB said...

F-marry-kill: Robs Fords, Dotty Rabinowitz, old-NYC-fixey-guy-who-films-himself-almost-dying.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, yesterday's tweeter feed featured you getting slightly irate at some schlub who attempted to Right Hook you. Got anything to add?

Anonymous said...

The bearded guy who doesn't like salmon is a great example of why guns shouldn't be sold in WAlMART, at least in NEW YORK CITY.

Sounds like he's about to lose it and go on murderous rampage.

Anonymous said...

Santa Claus is paying attention to who is being naughty and nice. The "salmoner" who ran into his daughter and the other who nearly hit him will definitely be getting coal this Christmas.

Dave said...

Sorry - must uphold the honor of the Spermcycle and all that it has spermaticized: (from the Wiki pseudo-informational service)

Over distances recumbent bicycles outperform upright bicycles as evidenced by their dominance in ultra-distance events like 24 hours at Sebring.[35] Official speed records for recumbents are governed by the rules of the International Human Powered Vehicle Association. A number of records are recognised, the fastest of which is the "flying 200 m", a distance of 200 m on level ground from a flying start with a maximum allowable tailwind of 1.66 m/s. The current record is 133.284 km/h (82.819 mph), set by Sam Whittingham of Canada in a fully faired Varna Diablo front-wheel-drive recumbent lowracer bicycle designed by George Georgiev.[31] The official record for an upright bicycle under IHPVA-legal conditions (but at sea level, not high altitude) is 82.53 km/h (51.29 mph) set by Jim Glover in 1986 with an English-made Moulton bicycle with a USA-made hardshell fairing around him and the bike.

Anonymous said...

"I'm always moved by the uniquely human quality that drives us to undertake utterly pointless and completely miserable adventures..." Nicely said. But what is a legitimate adventure?

Anonymous said...

Wednesday is death and destruction day on BSNYC. Thursday and Friday are almost always positive.

Anonymous said...

Snobby,

My two cents:

1. More people will ride bikes when gas prices get too high and then everything will more or less fall into place as we see them. Here in America, though, the top 20% will still be able to afford their BMW's and such. Further considering that the Rich have such a disproportionate influence on politics, the amount of change toward bike friendliness will lag significantly behind that of the populace.

2. My Levi's commuters had a hole in the crotch just like yours. My Cadence jeans held up very well, compared to the Levi's-2x's as long, due to a better design and construction than the Levi's.

peace

JB said...

When Citi Bike 650b is launched, all problems will be solved.


nfister flowers
uh, OK

ge said...

Snob, could this be the first time you've referred to an "epic ride" that is actually epic? I'm pretty sure the definition of epic includes the phrase "no fun". Any time someone wants you to do an epic ride, remember what FLOTUS Nancy taught us.

Comment deleted said...

FLOTUS Nancy's most famous mouth-flatus is also good advice for those times when someone asks you for help with moving a sauna or piano. Or with moving.

Dooth said...

Whoa, it's Wednesday? Whats that Zz Top dude doing on this blog? The bar I'm at just played La Grange...Have mercy...a haw haw haw...

Anonymous said...

This place is way too hip ironic for me, so I don't know what is actually serious.

I will say that in DC Mayor Fenty and his transport director Gabe Klein, built bike lanes and cycle tracks, and pushed in the direction of bike share. Mayor Fenty was defeated by Mayor Grey, who some thought would reverse the support of "SWPL" such as bike lanes.

Mayor Grey has instead expanded bike lanes and cycle tracks further, and has implemented Capital Bikeshare.

Flyover BC said...

Good point GE!

Nothing is epic, or is it a saga, until you at least slay a Grundle.

Anonymous said...

History defines epic. Hannibal's march over the Alps, the Bataan Death March, the 27 mile in one day forced march by confederate soldiers during the battle of Bull Run were epic.

Roille Figners said...

Everybody read up on Douglas Mawson's expedition to the South Pole in 1911-12. Or Shackleton's in 1914-17. THAT shit was epic. And certainly miserable, and arguably pointless.


So in conclusion we define this function as having a valid range from negative to positive infinity, with a finite band of undefined values known as the

Lawslne exclusion

leroy said...

Uh-oh, I know someone whose leg is being humped by the black dog of depression this Wednesday.

And it ain't Park Slope Santa with the anger management issues.

As for me, I had a lovely commute home last night. I got stung on the butt by a bee in Mid-town.

Later, I picked up a case of road rash under the Manhattan Bridge after unsuccessfully trying to get my chain back on the ring.

My dog suggested that it would be safer if I asked Austin Horse to perform my stunts for me.

And then, of course, it started raining.

But this morning, I caught all the lights, had a glorious ride, enjoyed the sun, and made it to work in near record time.

Then I spent the entire day with doctors.

I'm fine, but my dog says he's going to make a fortune donating my body to science.

Don't know how he plans to do that. By definition, I won't be around to find out.

Remember to enjoy the ride!

Holy crap, my capcha: "Lord utpuln"

Anonymous said...

I don't know what I was expecting teabags on toptubes to be....why did I click that link?!

I never click links...that'll learn me.

ouabacher said...

Rick Rubins seems very quiet, even polite.....probably very studious and keeps to himself. A good neighbor......wait, I've heard those attributes before somewhere......snap.

Billy said...

Depressing read, Snob. I wasn't sure you'd be able to drag that one back into comedy-land.

McFly said...

Did Mother Earth bleach her butthole? It seems really white. Hey whatever builds confidence I always say. I wonder what that's going for these days.

Leroy.....Leg getting humped by the black dog of depression.....that's funny.

Anonymous said...

Boardman utchdsp.

Seriously, is this the only mention of Chris on these pages?

Anonymous said...

Really excellent post.

Fred Nifacent said...

Creepy Santa Claus guy probably has...BAM!...multiple bodies buried...BAM!...in the back yard

Anonymous said...

so depressing i actually didn't read the post...
wha wha... sob sob... gentrifiers pushed me out of brooklyn... brooklyn sucks... right, mommy?

dude, get back to talking about bikes with humor. i used to come to your posts to lift me up and make me giggle... not to feel icky when i'm feeling fine.

you're still funny... your targets are just wrong.

Fritz said...

Escape from NYC while you still can

crosspalms said...

McFly,
Someone should open a gay bike shop called The Lube That Dare Not Squeak Its Name.

babble on said...

Anon@ 10:06 - you don't get to criticize if you don't read the post. It's like complaining about your elected politician if you didn't vote.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 10:06am,

How can the post have depressed you if you didn't read it?

Anyway, you should be depressed. The future of cycling in this city is bleak, and your life is worthless if you're on a bike.

SMILEY FACE!!!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 10:06am,


so depressing i actually didn't read the comment...
wha wha... sob sob... the funny free bike blog wasn't funny today... the funny bike blog sucks... right, mommy?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Jimboner said...

Bitchin!!

BamaPhred said...

I must have missed the depressing part, I thought it was a pretty accurate description. My little corner of the world isn't NYC, but the suburbs are out of control commuting wise and young people here are starting to move back to the "city" to escape commuting hell. Maybe the black dog of depression is humping my leg too, or I'm tired of being a two wheeled target.

babble on said...

Don't give up! We CAN make a difference....

Wildcat: Don't let the morons get to you. Real thinkers love you. Also, thank you. Your funny free blog brings me joy daily. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

BamaPhred said...

^^^
And all Lob's people said amen.Snob's bikeen editorialing lifts me up. The other bikeen news about hitting your intervals, power output, weight weenie-ing, etc does depress me.

Anonymous said...

..late comment

Anonymous said...

meanwhile Boston reaches 4 million percent bike mode share (according to the Boston Bikes survey - which also says that "in-transit scranus maintenance" accounts for 342% of the bike/squirrel collisions) and people forget about Portland - which by that point is entirely reliant on the hacky-sack and devil stick industries.

Pogo Roberto said...

after 83 comments I doubt you that will comment or even bother to read this but I'd like to say a big hi and hello from Manchester, UK.

I really enjoy reading your blog a whole lot. The word of today is grundle sweat, which is mainly because you teach me phrases I have never heard before.

As a regular reader of yourself, Chafe City and the Invisible Visible Man I must say you always entertain me with your adventures of cycling and living in the US of A.

And yes I share you pain on the road as I am a fellow cyclist with a hybrid bike who dislikes fixies but who loves to scare the car, bus and truck driver with a 120db air horn.

Have a NICE day.

Pogo

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