Thursday, April 25, 2013

This Just In: Off To Cleveland Then I'm Just Off!

What's this?


It's a great big pile of Cleveland, that's what it is.

As I mentioned yesterday, that's where I'll be this coming Saturday, April 27th, in order to promote my new book, "The Bike Snob That Is A Broad."  Buy it.  Read it.  Shelve it.  Buy it again.  So what does this mean to you?  Well, if you're in Cleveland, it means come to Market Garden Brewery from 1:00-3:00pm to be on the receiving end of my relentlessly shameless self-promotion.  Also, whether you're in Cleveland or not, it means I won't be posting tomorrow.  Actually, I won't be posting again until Monday, May 6th, at which point I will resume regular updates.

So why the long break?  Well, I figure it will take at least that long to wash the Cleveland out of my clothes.

Speaking of Cleveland, I haven't even been there yet, but even so I'd much rather live there than in what Brooklyn has become:


Basically, these douchebags are taking a question absolutely nobody asks, namely:


You know what "Brooklyn" means?  It means exactly fucking Brooklyn.  It's the name of a place with clearly delineated boundaries.  As far as I know, there are no border skirmishes with Queens.  Nevertheless, these horrible, awful people want thirty thousand of our green American fun tickets to make "Brooklyn the first community in the United States with a shared graphic identity."

All right, I'll play along.  You want a "shared graphic identity" for the 'roided out version of Portland that Brooklyn has become?  How about a woman holding a shitting baby over a toilet in a $3 million brownstone?

Done, and done.

But yeah, no community in the United States has a shared graphic identity, least of all Brooklyn.  Because nobody knows what this is:


Actually, that's what these design douches are doing.  It's the Internet 2.0 equivalent of trying to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge.  I suppose in that sense it's subtly brilliant and authentically Brooklyn.  But that doesn't make the smug smile this guy flashes at the moment the narrator says "collaboration" any less sickening:


("Oh yeah, I've got such a raging collaboner right now.")

Someone needs to launch a Kickstarter to raise the funds necessary to throw a $20 cocktail in this guy's face and then kick him in the "pants yabbies."

And I shouldn't even have to mention that, among the quintessentially Brooklyn images they throw at you in the video, they include this piece of shit right after a shot of the Nathan's sign:


That's just depressing--as is this:


Why Brooklyn? Why Now? 

With its soaring popularity, it´s no secret that everyone wants a part of Brooklyn. We can contribute to this phenomenon by highlighting the icons that make up that coveted “Brooklynness” and by facilitating a global conversation about these symbols.


I can assure them that this isn't true.  In fact, nearly all the iconic Brooklynites they include in their video left a very long time ago.  As for the people converging on the place now, I'm extremely glad they are because it's keeping them away from the rest of the city.  Really, the only "global conversation" any of this warrants is a UN summit meeting in which we discuss the imminent collapse of civilization due to this epidemic of vapid, twee douchedom.

Please take the money you've made so far, design yourselves a dirigible, and float away forever.

While I'm on the subject of designing vehicles, people are apparently serious about this whole self-driving car thing, which is horrifying:

Google and other innovators are working on vehicles that someday might drive themselves with little or no attention from human passengers. 

"Little or no attention?"  How is this any different from the way people are driving now?  Well, the main difference seems to be that the few remaining segments of the population from whom we're still safe will finally get to operate motor vehicles too:

Driverless vehicles are expected to help children, the blind, the elderly and others who currently cannot safely drive themselves.

Wait, this is a problem holding us back as a society, that children can't drive?  Are you telling me that we're on the cusp of a future in which 5th graders get around in self-driving cars?  What's wrong with the fucking schoolbus?

Well, it's not just about children finally being able to abandon their bikes for Hyundais.  It's also about productivity:


A driverless car should also cause people to use their vehicles for more miles, because they could use their time in the car to sleep, work, watch television, read a book and do other things they might normally do at home.

Households and business may also begin to use vehicles with no human passengers or drivers in order to move goods from one place to another and, by economizing on the human driver costs, they may want to move more goods than they do today.

As people take on additional activities in their personal vehicles, they may also demand larger vehicles that necessarily require more fuel per mile.

Hmmm, this is intriguing.  Let's see, a car in which you can eat, sleep, work, or read. A car you don't have to drive yourself.  A big car, one that can also carry lots of stuff.  Well, here's an idea.  What if we built a dedicated series of interconnecting roadways on which these big, self-driving cars could travel?  They could connect cities to their suburbs.  They could also connect cities to other cities.  They'd even be efficient, because they could run on diesel fuel--or, if we electrified the roadways, they wouldn't have to use gasoline at all.  Some of them could even carry freight exclusively.  Now imagine dozens of these big, energy efficient cars running in tandem, their passengers happily working and eating and napping away.  We could call it...the fucking train!

(I mean we could call it "the train."  I included the "fucking" for emphasis.  Sure, there's no reason we couldn't also have a "fucking train," or at least a designated fucking car on the train, but that wasn't really my point.)

I guess the problem with the whole "train" thing is that nobody gets to feel like they're inventing something since we've only had them for like 200 years.  Maybe we need to get the Brooklyn Kickstarter douches to rebrand the train concept with a "shared graphic identity" that would make it seem new and exciting to people.  They seem pretty good at branding stuff that doesn't need to be branded because it's been around for centuries.  The train rebranding doesn't even have to be a word, it could just be a symbol.  Something with tracks and moustaches and glasses and shitting babies and fixies with crooked saddles.

Lastly, I'm pleased to announce that there's a new member of the Pantheon of Mayoral Idiots, as I've been informed by a reader.  He's the mayor of Bulverde, Texas, and his views on cycling are as vexing as his hair:

("I'm gonna clean up this town...with my hair!")


Traffic was quite heavy at the time. School had just let out, there was a scramble to get income tax checks mailed and the evening rush was beginning. My patience was already worn thin and being stuck behind a couple of slow-moving cyclists riding side-by-side did not help.

So I gave a brief tap on the horn. The cyclists changed formation to single file. Then a break in traffic gave me the opportunity to accelerate and pass on a stretch of road that has a double-yellow center stripe which you can't cross.

I had to pass them quickly, but nobody was hurt and there were no close calls.
When someone is dressed in their work clothing and using a bicycle to get to work, that's one thing.
However, it's another matter when someone is joyriding on an expensive bicycle all decked out in riding attire on probably the most dangerous roadway in the city.

Wait, what?  I'm sorry, I didn't hear any of that.  I was too busy looking at your astounding hair.

And now, I'm going to excuse myself until Monday, May 6th, at which point, as I said, I'll resume regular updates.

Until then, I remain, humbly, yours truley, etc. and so forth,


--Wildcat Rock Machine




PS: Come to the Cleveland thing.

PPS: Cleveland.

439 comments:

1 – 200 of 439   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

Ass Monkeys… ATTACK!!!

Anonymous said...

Scranus scoreboard

Anonymous said...

Podium. Tits!

JB said...

blerg

Anonymous said...

Woo Hoo Scranus

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix. Que belle cheveux!

babble on said...

It's early o'clock!

Anonymous said...

"Brooklynness"

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Cleveland!

DB said...

I'm here.
Crossplams: snow flurries here this morning. I'm moving to Yuma. Are you in?

JB said...

Silly Snobby! Trains don't go through drive-throughs. Perhaps some Kickstarter money could fund extending tracks to each fast food and coffee franchise?

babble on said...

Can people fuck in the fucking car of the fucking train?
pleasesayyespleasesayyeapleasesayyes

tex-ass said...

Oh Texans!

I think Texas is filled with gooey yummy stupid.

Taco time!

ChamoisJuice said...

Can you feel my collabonAr?

Anonymous said...

Garbage barge!

mikeweb said...

You know how they call the greater Chicago area 'Chicago land'? Do they call the Clevelend area 'Cleveland Land'?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good news Wildcat! Cleveland even has a place called Old Brooklyn were you could hang your hat. Drew Carey is from there.

DB said...

Okay, who's in charge of entertaining us until May 6th?
Are we all headed over to Babbles blog?

Anonymous said...

Everyone hates roadies. Get used to it already.

crosspalms said...

DB
No flurries here, but it was a shivery commute. Think Yuma has a bike shop where we could get pink chains like the one on that maladjusted fixie?

Nina said...

I'm moving out of Brooklyn to Iowa City this summer. I will get a one way ticket and reserve a spot in the fucking car. Hopefully I will get out before the crowdsourced branding of Brooklyn happens. More hopefully, that won't happen at all. I wish the Texan mayor would go after the Brooklyn branders, they would undo each other by obsessing over each other's hair.

le Correcteur said...

Missed the top twenty. Damn! More drugs! Less drugs for those ahead of me.

Comment deleted said...

Another mayor with his head so far up his ass that you can call his neck a "scranium".

PBateman said...

You know who REALLY deserves a big ol' cleveland steamer?

anyone who insists on collaboration.

yes, gathering thousands of dumb asses together to solve the worlds problems is a great approach. people in large groups tend to make lots of great decisions.

so help me god what is going on up there? or out there (i'm looking at you portland/san fran/austin...)

i'm going to go barf now. and i'm going to do it alone.

le Correcteur said...

WCRM, you're on fire today. My fave:

"Really, the only "global conversation" any of this warrants is a UN summit meeting in which we discuss the imminent collapse of civilization due to this epidemic of vapid, twee douchedom.

Please take the money you've made so far, design yourselves a dirigible, and float away forever."

Preciousness, tweeness, doucheness: symptoms of the same disease.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

were you constipated today, wcr? so many fucking fucks today... not that i'm complainin'

just sayin...

Anonymous said...

The assfruit of Google's "cult of genius:" self driving cars.

I'm lovin' it.

Anonymous said...

CUNT PUNT

Nina said...

Totally agree with anonymous - a good cunt punt would take care of all of this.

McFly said...

I had a border skirmish with a Queen once. She said this panty hem is a line you are NOT allowed to cross young man.

I tresspassed.

She liked it.

Old Man McGillicutty said...

Wildcat Clevland Rock machine.

Tits.

AirTrain to JFK said...

Some of us trains can already drive ourselves, and open and close our own doors to boot. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Anonymous said...

Hahhaahahaha, "coming"

Anonymous said...

Branding a community. In the early 90's some wankers tried to brand the neighborhoods of south Minneapolis as SoMi, (as in SoHo, since everyone knows Minneapolis is the MinneApple).

Luckily, it went over like a fart in the wind.

DerZoots said...

I was on the train this morning and NONE of the fucking rich school kids would pay. They all attend the Concord Academy and the Cambridge Day School of Weston. Bunch of arrogant entitled brats have passes for a half price fare. Almost everyone of these douche nozzles had a $6+ starbucks coffee. More expensive than the fare.
All of them were horrified when the replacement conductor made then pay AND get their feet off the seats.
Assholes.
Fuck you Belmont.
Fuck you Waverly.
Fuck you Brandeis/Roberts.
Fuck you MBTA commuter rail.
ANd most of all fuck Karen and Rob the lazy union shitbags who won't do their job. You two can fuck right off and let someone who's hungry have your jobs.
Assholes.
I hope you both get hit by trains on your day off.

ngstehiregi

crosspalms said...

Since Iowa is below Minnesota, should it be the BloMi state?

Anonymous said...

Brooklyn won't have a graphic identity until the artists and designers are finished with it.

I'm betting Rome, Paris, and London have had shared graphic identities for years or centuries. They sure weren't "crowd sourced" though.

DB said...

Ha! Nice, Crosspalms.
I'm pretty sure there is a bike shop in Yuma where we can get all our pink chain needs taken care of, if not, we'll open one.
How do you make a small fortune operating a bike shop?
Start with a large fortune.

Anonymous said...

How do you "design a cultural identity"? Hello Brooklynites, I know we just arrived here like two months ago and you've been here for generations but we really don't car for your current cultural identity so we are going do you the favor of designing a new one for you. It's going to involve a flannel shirt, black glasses and a beard. You're welcome.

DB said...

Nina:
As a graduate of the U of Iowa, I am certain you will find Iowa City a huge step up over Brooklyn.

wishiwasmerckx said...

McFly, your story reminds me of the time that the photographer Richard Avedon met Queen Elizabeth.

The Queen said "I have a brother who is a photographer." Without missing a beat, Avedon famously replied "What a coincidence! I have a brother who is a queen!"

Anonymous said...

I thought Brooklyn was chewing gum. I have a jersey that says Brooklyn on it and I learned it's a chewing gum company.

Flyover Bike commuter. said...

It's ironical that someone is trying to design a cultural indentity for a community that is being celebrated, (in the video)for its diversity.

What a bunch of dopes.

crosspalms said...

Brooklyn. More than a vacation. A gentry vacation.

which teetixo.
So hard to choose.

Sasquatch said...

"Twee douchebags": i love it!

Way back in '06 local tourism board spent > $300,000 promoting the made up word "metronatural" as a brand for Seattle. It was supposed to be evocative of metropolis juxtaposed against natural beauty, but sounded like a term for sexual orientation.

Same kind of idea for Brooklyn, I guess, but using giant adult crayons and soliciting money directly.

Idiots.

Also, looks like Seattle will eventually get a bike share program, as well as legal weed. The bike share program will originate from Portland.

Jimboner said...

Snobby are you taking a vacation, a staycation or planning being held for ransome in the Cleve?

Anonymous said...

That MILF holding that baby has a Super Ass. I hope she did not cut her man off from it when that baby came along.

DOGY STYL

tryhiff this (not robot) said...

Hey your worship (not counting the hair), Fred and I were scrambling to mail our income tax cheques. This is the way we dress. Get it?

Anonymous said...

Anyone notice that mayor looks like Gadafi?

leroy said...

Well I for one am not about to leave Brooklyn for Cleveland no matter how enticing Cleveland may be or how insufferable the Neuw Breukelen neighbors are.

My dog and I will stay put and, as one prominent Brooklyn native (and Bard dropout) declared, fight for our right to party -- albeit in a non-branded, down scale, low key, and age appropriate manner while acknowledging species specific societal norms.

Adam Yauch

We will have soda and pie.

P.S. -- Saw eagles over River Road yesterday and their nest. Told my dog they were vultures to get him to pick up the pace. Large birds freak him out.

Ride joyfully all! (You too, Cleveland.)

Anonymous said...

@tex-ass

Don't you know that the road is for big-ass cars?

dyuiou You (This has got to do something with the UofI)

Anonymous said...

If the branding of Brooklyn is bad enough, now imagine the kind of people who are trying to do the same thing to Detroit.

babble on said...

Leroy,

The great thing about Cleaveland is that you can visit it without ever leaving Brooklyn.

All you have to do is get in the fucking car. Isn't that handy?

Speaking of which, does this mean that when someone reserves a spot in the fucking car (hello lovely Nina) we ought to wish them a happy fuck rather than a good trip?

Just wonderin'... :D

Frilly Chick said...

Oh I see therapy, lots of it, in that poor baby's future.

Raggedy Andy *smirk*

Roille Figners said...

Mayor Jerry Curlan, please return the mop to the Bulverde Middle School 3rd floor janitor closet immediately.

Also, lest we forget this in the current shit-tide of Boston psy-op propaganda: It's none of your goddamn business where another American is heading or why. Not to defend Fred-dom, only their Americanness. In America you can go be a Fred.

Or you can be an asshole with stupid hair who puts off mailing your tax crap until the last possible second, and then explain it later like it was something that randomly HAPPENED to you ("there was a scramble") and blame some convenient scapegoat.

Jerry Curlan: ROAD USE APPLICATION DENIED

Dooth said...

I'm sure the folks at idBrooklyn are fluent in Brooklynese..."fuck-outta here"! What does that mean?

DB said...

Babble:
In your columns next week please include pictures of recumbabe and dirndls in your otherwise excellent reporting.
Thank you.

JB said...

Anon @ 2:19: Shey may, but your evidence is?

JB said...

DB: Let's be precise: "overflowing dirndls" are required, as well as recumbabe, of course.

ergoia organ (I think my parents and their pastor had mine removed shortly after birth)

Anonymous said...

Whither Cleveland? I am going for a bike ride.

Nina said...

DB - awesome! I'm going to MFA schooling (in theatre, not writing) at the University of Iowa this fall, and I hear there is a bike library in Iowa City! I'm so glad to hear you think it will be better than the vapid twee douchedom of Brooklyn. It doesn't matter, since Iowans won't even know what Brookland is because we don't have a $30K shared graphic identity though. So much for my street cred.

crosspalms said...

So in the new Brooklyn instead of protesting bike lanes they send their children out to piss on them. Subtle.

PARK SLOP

Anonymous said...

I'm all for branding Brooklyn. You start the fire, I'll bring the branding irons and rope for hog-tying. Yee-haw!!!

Nina said...

Babble - I would appreciate being wished either/both a good trip and happy fuck! Thanks for thinking of it. So thoughtful.

Nina said...

And crosspalms - I'm going to start calling Iowa the BloMi state as soon as I move there. They will love me for it.

Synonymous said...

Nina, you will also be happy to know Brooklyn is only a half hour west of Iowa City.

CLE Transplant guy said...

YES! Cleveland! The land of the Big Cleave... or Cleve! Welcome Wildcat! We cannot wait to welcome you with our astonishing beers... and roads that make you wish you had the fattest tires possible. It's kinda like an obstacle course for your ride to work... but it makes things interesting. We're tasty too! Check out The Greenhouse Tavern whilst you are here.

Anonymous said...

BloMi is the I owe way.

Nina said...

Synonymous, thanks for letting me know. Finally someone confirms my map reading skills are totally correct.

babble on said...

mmm full dirndls...
Do you think wildcat will share recumbabe? Some guys are funny that way, keeping the sweet nips all to themselves...

Nina:
My pleasure!
Thoughtful is as thoughtful does...
May your trip be safe happy and your fucks be awesome and aplenty.

Words to live by. :)

DB said...

Synonymous:
You beat me to it.
Yes, Nina, there is a Brooklyn, Iowa a half hour away, but the only resemblance to its sister city in NYC is name only.
You can begin cornering the market on antique tractors as I hear they will be the next big thing with the hipsters.
Nice MFA program at Iowa.

Nina said...

Synonymous and DB: Thanks for the tips! I have been hoping to corner the ironi-rustic tractor-parts-related market. I'm excited about the MFA program and more excited about riding to the Amana Colonies and eating pancakes.

Nina said...

Babble - I'm going to get those words tattooed on me, maybe in another language so they look cooler, but still, words to live by for sure, merci! ;)

Dennis Hopper said...

I remember way back to 3-4 years ago when this comments section was full of snark.

Now it's just a bunch of twee douchebags hating on twee douchebags.

babble on said...

Oh, but Dennis, no... you're here to fix all that!

I'll tell you who, FUCK YOU, that's who said...

Case in point: the above comment.

I.T.Y.W.F.Y.T.W. said...

(no I mean the one above that)

crosspalms said...

Nina,
I'll be happy to help you post bail if the Iowans take offense. Best of luck with the MFA, too. I was in a Starbucks a few years ago when 2 baristas were complaining about a third, who had refused to take out the garbage because she had a master's degree. "We have degrees, too," one said, "except ours are in theater."

crosspalms said...

Should have added that they were laughing about it. Didn't mean it to sound like snark about MFA or theater (or twee douchebag hatery, for that matter).

DB said...

Hey, Leroy:
Are you the quizmaster tomorrow?
Yours are tougher than Snobs, so I will hit the books tonight if you're on it.

Anonymous said...

Ah, but self-driving cars will be controlled by software and that means that we can wait until all the douchebags are riding around in their giant, self-driving living rooms, sitting on their sofas and watching TV as their 800 horsepower engines rocket them down the highway, at which point we'll hack into their control systems and send them careening into each other. It will be far too selective, even if it's self-selecting, to be considered terrorism.

Frilly Chick said...

Ha ha Dennis Hopper, I too remember. Fuck me, half the time I was scared to comment!

Ah, memories.

Frilly Chick said...

Now its just one big group hug, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

That mayor looks like a jollier version of Kenny Powers?

Trailer Park Cyclist said...

I wonder if that baby will for the rest of his life only be able to shit backwards on a toilet? One can only hope. But I hope I never have to see it, say in a bus station or at some kind of Kurt Cobain revival in the year 2033 when I will be way too old to handle something like that and yet forced to hang out near the restrooms due to incontinence.

The Notsosanta Klaus said...

Comment Delete you are correct, the mayor stuck his head far up his ass,
but he applied Gorilla glue before the act to his baldness and voila’.
Oh, yes… his asshole is still swollen shut.

Jerome said...

Thanks for the tip about Market Garden Brewery. Should I ever set foot in Cincinnati, I'll sure pay them a visit. Porter, Stout & Scotch Ale are always worth a stop!

McFly said...

I ride with a lass from Cleavageland. She even had hers reduced.

And still has it. I know because last summer she got a bee in her jersey and bared all in a panic on the backroads of LBL.

THAT was a good day, my friends.

In hindsight I should have offered to check "under them."

YOUGOTTAKEEPEMSEPERATED

Anonymous said...

There once was a cock named Dick
Whose cock was so dicked when he cocked
That he said I'll cock with my dick
And you dick with your cock
And together we'll be dicked, you cock.

And fuck you.

Anonymous said...

Who stole the mayor's neck?

le Correcteur said...

crosspalms, 5:48pm:

That's a funny Starbucks story. At least they were laughing about it.

When my godson decided he wanted a Ph.D. in philosophy, I told him, "Really, don't bother; the cab companies don't are if you have the degree."

Kelly said...

Brooklyn had an identity, it was the Dodgers. They left in 1957. I guess they saw what was coming. Anyway Im a SF Giants fan so I don't mind seeing anything assoc. with the Dodgers being Douchified.

Matt said...

Iowa's not the Blow Me state. That's Missouri. Even says it on their license plates if memory serves. No, Iowa's the Gateway to Nebraska.

Anonymous said...

Raysmtb.com.

ce said...

I don't really have an opinion on the matter, but I would like to thank Dennis Hopper for the mental image of an (actual therapeutic apparatus) douche bag water fight.

Surely though everyone enjoyed DerZoots comment at 1:34 as much as I did?

Anyway, I just have a couple important things I need to say:

1. I hear the experts say that in the future it pretty much won't ever rain, except a couple times a year during the Super Hurricanes. But, if non horizontal precipitation still does occasionally fall on this world of self driving lounge rooms, I can imagine a cranky old WCRM (no, I mean crankier and older) writing: "If it rains retro-grouches take the train". Rain and train rhymes better anyway.

2. Snobbo, regarding the local cuisine that will likely soon be thrown at you, how does this sound: "The meat of a clover fed cloven hoofed beast cleft with a meat cleaver and stuffed with cloves and also cloves of garlic, lightly cooked in a steamer". Wash it down with a shandy.

3. I was watching a geology doco the other day and learnt that millions of years ago Scotland, home of the haggis (which I think is what I described above), cleaved off from North Eastern USA and that the iconic brownstone of NYC can still be found in its un-gentrified state in the Scottish mountains. So yeah. That's it. I just thought it was interesting.

Anonymous said...

"Little or no attention?" How is this any different from the way people are driving now?

Made me laugh out loud, thanks

Kil

Misty Water Colored Memories said...

I once caught a bus that stopped in Cleveland, but as we were pulling into the terminal the driver said "Do not go out of the terminal or you will be mugged and stabbed to death" so I didn't get to see much of it. Is it nice?

babble on said...

Who's hugging? I'm doing the GROUP GROPE!

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

So apparently Rick James did not die, he just moved to Bulverde Texas and let himself go.

Dave Chapelle said...

"I'm Rick James, Bitch"!

Anonymous said...

I would have thought all those potugese man o' war tentacles on his head would sting. I've learned something.

Anonymous said...

I would rather look at the mayor with the Shirley Temple hair than that faux stoner smirk of the idBrooklyn douche. Wanna smack him.

mikeweb said...

I just went to the Amazon site to purchase Snob's latest - 'Bike Snob Aboard: Strange Fetishes, Incredible Scranuses and the Quest for Salmoning Paradise'.

The about the author section reads thusly:

BikeSnobNYC (a.k.a. Eben Weiss) is the blogger behind bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com, a massively popular cycling blog. He also writes a monthly column in Bicycling magazine. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.

I know the last sentence is patently false, and I seriously doubt the veracity of the sentence before that one. Do we even know his name is really Eben Weiss?! Who am I?? My world has been turned upside down...

Nina said...

Crosspalms - really delayed response but that Starbucks story made me actually LOL! It's sooo classic, too much truth. And thanks for bailing me out when I offend Iowans in the future. I'll let you know when I need bail via comments to this blog.

mikeweb said...

Snob just hit the big time: a mention in the TransAlt g---le group discussion board. Congratulations! That and his trip to Cleveland should get him an interview with Oprah in no time.

And then there's this.

I'm going to start calling these things 'pedaling optional douche mobiles', or PODMs.

DB said...

Mikeweb:
Is that TransAlt, TransAm, Transgender, Transexual, Transylvania, or what?
I'm having difficulty finding it.
That and I'm cramming for Leroy's dogs quiz if he had time to come up with one.

DB said...

I hate to bring this up, but where was ChamoisJuice yesterday?

DB said...

Never mind, saw the early post from him. Thought he might be headed for Cleveland.

mikeweb said...

DB,

That's actually TransFormers. "More than meets the eye".

ChamoisJuice said...

I posted anonymously once...... I was I was actually busy at work..... Cleaveland is depressing... I'm full of excuses.

Ray's MTB is embarassing. We have no mountains! All industry has abandoned us, leaving desolate warehouses, renting for pennies.



ChamoisJuice said...

regarding fucking trains and Ohio, I present Project Pat.

crosspalms said...

For the remaining twee douchebags not frightened off by Dennis Hopper (and all this time I've been putting food on EDWARD Hopper's table. Sorry, D), here are some shopportunities.

mikeweb said...

Speaking of fucking trains, I believe Joel Goodman rode on one of those in 'Risky Business'. NSFW.

Snob should bypass Cleavageland and go to Chickago. Looks more fun there.

Frilly Chick said...

Hold off Crosspalms, LL Bean offers cycling skirts for women on their on-line catalog. Offsets the hipster lumberjerk factor a bit.

Yarpo said...

Pack Fodder: feeling Gorka Verdugo but happy Euskatel didn't boot me.

Der Zoots: I'm staying away from Karen and Rob the lazy union shitbags in case they get clobbered by a train.

Nina: I ate pancakes in Amana, Iowa the first time that I drove across the country, WTFBW (Way The Fuck Back When) or 1987 as they used to call it. Good pancakes and good luck in Ah-Wuh!

Snob: You just kicked a lot of douche-inskies in the nuts, repeatedly, and real hard. AWESOME!

Global Conversation about Brooklyn? I picture some Dayaks of Borneo saying, in colloquial Dayakenese, "Fucking Brooklyn Hipster Douchebags, find something else to talk about and stop asking for our money."

Ass Monkey Handler: I almost forgot. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FUCKING ASS MONKEYS GET OFF THE GODDAMN CURTAINS ALREADY!!! WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS STOP?!!!

Leroy's Dog: Can you do your quiz in Scantron form, so if i don't know the answer I can just pick, "C"?

Frilly & Babble: Hi Frilly & Babble, ride fast/take chances.

babble on said...

Yikes, Mikeweb... existential despair on a Friday morning?

It's FRIIIIIIIDAY! Be happy!

babble on said...

Hey ho, Yarpo!
Good day, and thank you! Yes, yes I do.

dnk said...

My Lob! My Lob! Why hast thou forsaken me!

Verily thou hast gone to Cleveland on this, a Good Friday.

Weeping and gnashing of teeth: nay, no Quiz. Nay, neither no holy biscuit.

Give me thus my wine. Yea, and to me my loaves. And, I beseech thee, my biscuit...

3G said...

Even if I'm a day late in reading it, this blog makes my life worth living.

crosspalms said...

Frilly,
To atone for mocking LL Bean, I'm wearing a flannel shirt.

crosspalms said...

mikeweb,
Why the CTA hasn't used that clip in an ad campaign I just don't understand. Anyway, the town's getting even better cause the Museum of Science and Industry is opening a bike exhibit. Looks like fun.

DerZoots said...

What are we talking aboot today?
Panties?
Scanuses?
Scranties?

Rode home yesterday after entitlement train ride.

Humourously enough I rode an old railbed that passes through Weston the wealthiest town in Massachusetts. This particular railbed was slated to be transformed into a railtrail that would have connected many towns.
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the fooking equestrians with all their money and NIMBY bullshit put the kibosh on that plan. Property values and oh yeah we don't want bluecollar trash from Waltham enjoying the quiet & beautiful scenery because it will ruin the town. And they smell different. And we own everything you shitty working people can never hope to so we'll rub it in your face a while bunch more, from atop our horses.

gypprdiwhich

babble on said...

3G I know, right?
Sigh... well, when Snob's away, there's still the bike... you can always Park n Ride under a Pink Moon.

DerZoots said...

Hey Yarpo!

Karen and Rob were on the train today. I asked if I could sit on an empty car instead of with the brats and bike noobs that fuck-up my equipment with their inconsideration. No dice and a load of bullshit as to why.
It's OK Rob who rewrites the rules.
Your program is about to be totally jacked up beyond comprehension. I now have video of you and Karen ignoring over $500 of ticket revenue today alone. Times five and now it's a number corporate is gonna shit over.
The union rep is gonna have to clock overtime on this one...oh wait he's already padding the hours with nap time. Silly me.

fierwaaverage

Frilly Chick said...

Crosspalms, don't hate, but I'm wearing a Blues sweatshirt--casual Friday.

Hi Yarpo! Honestly, I don't take too many chances. I'm a fairly efficient climber, however I tend to ride the brakes on the descent.

Anonymous said...

Hey Nina,

Just remember that all those things that are ironic in Brooklyn e.g. wearing flannel, carrying an ax, wearing Carhart jackets, collecting old tractor parts, etc. aren't ironic in Iowa. If you do those things someone will probably: think you're cold, going to chop wood, preparing to fix your tractor, going outside to working on said tractor.

ps. try the bacon. How can bacon be bad in a state that's geographically shaped like a pig.

Comment deleted said...

Once again, you make me want to move to Vancouver, Babs. The Chamber of Commerce ought to have you on their payroll.

Oh, and thanks for the beaver shot.

JB said...

Go Blues!

Group Hug, More Like a Squeeze said...

Nina 1032: "I'll let you know when I need bail via comments to this blog." The commenters will advise to to get a Kickstarter project going to raise the bail money.

May 6th is a Long Way Away said...

Babble, Frilly (please bring back the cheek shot) and now Nina. Things are looking up around here. YUM, YUM. No Snob until Halley's Comet returns. Babble, please, please, please post everyday while he's gone.

Diane said...

So, I'll be there Mr. BSNYC and I'll be bringing my book(s) for you to sign. You coulda' mentioned the Outspoken Cyclist ya' know! You were on the show last week and all... But, all is forgiven when you say nice things about our City!

Frilly Chick said...

5/6--Better look fast before the Google goon squad catches on!

Poopty Prounounced with a Hoopty said...

That baby is training for Cleveland already. Steamer.

Comment deleted said...

I can't fathom what such a lovely set of (rather abstract, due to the discreet cropping) curves does to attract the attention of the Modesty Squad.

Well, who cares? Thanks, Frilly. Happy weekend!

DB said...

Just got back from my first Big-Boy Lycra shorts ride of the year. Didn't attain Woo-Hoo speed, but it was good being out. My right nut is still somewhere inside my body cavity, but I'm hoping it'll fall back where it belongs soon.

McFly: I was thinking about the wasp in the ladies shirt story yesterday. That happens daily on Ragbrai, which is why I always carry the first aid kit.

Nina: great store in Iowa City called RayGun (it's online) that carries humorous Iowa tshirts. My favorite is "I went to the Iowa State Fair and all I got was type II diabetes"

Have a good weekend everyone.

Anonymous said...

DB,

I'm from Iowa and the only one in my family with a body mass index below about a million and all I can say about that T-shirt is:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I want one!

ChamoisJuice said...

mikeweb-

with regard to the $6000 Special Ed electric bike:
It's not pedal optional; it's pedal assist. The hub motor doubles or triples your pedalling wattage. The more you know....

One of the more unique MTBrosefs I ride with has a Surly Big Dummy with a BionX electric hub, rubbing Maxxis 2.5" Holy Rollers. He commutes 60 miles (EACH WAY!) from his idyllic, utility free shack in the sticks to his "job" at the community bike shop fixing Huffys for homeless guys, and selling shitty old 10 speeds to hipsters for $150.
I have ridden it. I cannot wheelie it = automatic fail. However it is pretty sick to be going 25 mph uphill with someone else sitting on the back, huggy-tandem steez.

Bikes attract wierdos....

Full expension/ fat bike / electric bike/ with a Girvin fork for extra points.



crosspalms said...

Tried to get Snob's book at a place near work called Books a Million. Luckily, they didn't have it. At those prices I'd have to stand at the ATM for a pretty long time. But over at Barnes & Noble, I picked up a copy for way less (and even had enough money left over for a couple more books and a turkey sandwich). Bike Snob Abu Dhabi has more camels than I'd have expected, but with global warming it's probably wise for us to make their acquaintance. I've really only read the big words on the front and back covers so far, and looked at some pictures, but I plan to start reading the inside over the weekend. It doesn't have any stickers, but on my way back to work a guy was handing out free Ritter Sport chocolate samples, which if you squint looks like Ritte, which is pretty Snob-like.

babble on said...

SWEEEEET CHEEEEEKS!!!
Hooray! Welcome back, baby. Good to see you again. xo xo


babble on said...

re: daily postings, and a place on the payroll at the Chamber of Commerce? First of all, thank you. Second, I nominate Leroy to carry Snob's torch. He's waaaay funnier than I am.

Also, funny you should mention daily posts and the payroll n'all.

I got laid off from my day job yesterday, and I'm not alone. It's happening to people all over this town. Last year one of our companies had the second largest IPO in our sector of the venture exchange but that doesn't help. This year is a different kind of market altogether. This year there aren't any IPO's in our sector at all. The money men are saying today's market makes 2008 look like a walk in the park.

Time for change.

DB said...

So sorry, Babble.
You of all people will land on your 7 inch heels.

Lonely Ranger said...

Hey Babbab. Though yer day job was gittin' laid. Hope it gives ya more time to write though.

Comment deleted said...

Sorry, Babs. I was buoyed by your visible happiness in those ride videos. Stay positive (I'm sure you will!), and something will turn up.

Anonymous said...

Fajnie postujesz.

Anonymous said...

Hey you kids, get off my road(way)!

"What's wrong with the fucking schoolbus?" Damn right!

These horrendous school buses screw up traffic something fierce now with their flashing lights suggesting you don't pass and stopping every 100 feet, but, oh my God, think about how much worse it will be with all those autonomous Google pods zipping to and fro with children, the elderly and infirm encased inside them running down cyclists at every intersection.

F-me.

Thankfully one day closer to death.

DB said...

Babble:
Are you in marketing or research of IPO's?

Nina: good bike club in Iowa City, BIC. Ride to Kalona for real Amish food. Go to anything the Iowa Writers Workshop puts on. I listened to Cheever and Irving. Best bookstore in the Midwest is Prairie Lights. I'm jealous of you for being able to be there for a year or two.

DB said...

I see in today's NYT that there was a naked hula hoop marathon at the Invisible Dog Art Center in Brooklyn.
Why?

leroy said...

My dog promised he would write a faux Friday quiz for this week, but he's been busy with some hula hoop party he didn't invite me to.

He claims he'll do one soonish.

BamaPhred said...

I never doubted, but I just had to check out invisible dog Brooklyn. Who knows, Leroy's Dog may have hit upon something. Meh, some guy using himself as a model to recreate others art. 5 minutes of my life I won't get back. MorequizzesorIma........ Holy Lob with no Snob I may have to resort to Strava for snorts and derision.

babble on said...

Maaaaaaan, Leroy, you've got it figured out. Everyone else has a dog that eats their homework, but you have a dog that does the homework.

Lone Ranger- marketing, communication and investor relations.

Thanks, guys, it's all good. I've always got everything I need somehow, and there are a few handy skillz in my toolBOX, too... :)

crosspalms said...

Babble,
Glad you sound so upbeat about it. Still sucks to get laid off. My wife was laid off about 4 years ago, and even though she was glad to get out of the place, it's not the way she'd have chosen. Now she's teaching (which she likes a lot, even though it's no benefits and low pay) and freelance writing. Periodically she thinks she should get a REAL job, but by and large she's happy.

leroy said...

Faux Friday Fun Quiz (Shabbos Goy Version)

1. Which celebrity has my dog not seen in his Brooklyn neighborhood?

a. Bjork
b. Madonna
c. Cher
d. Elvis
e. Trick question. He's seen all of them.

2. Which celebrity could my dog not see in Cleveland?

a. BSNYC
b. Betty White
c. The rest of the cast of "Hot in Cleveland"
d. Elvis
e. Trick question again. He could see all of them.

3. In which N.Y. museum's gift shop can you buy a skater helment suitable for cycling with the word "Brooklyn" painted on it?

a. The MOMA
b. The Met
c. The Brooklyn Museum
d. The Museum of Sex

4. During the administration of NYC Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, which NYC museum was threatened with eviction for displaying a painting that offended Mr. Giuliani's Deputy Mayor, Joseph Lhota, who is now a NYC mayoral candidate?

a. The MOMA
b. The Met
c. The Brooklyn Museum
d. The Museum Of Sex

5. Recent inductee into the BSNYC Pantheon of Mayoral Idiots, Bulverde Texas Mayor Bill Krawietz, was pictured modeling protective cycling head gear he fashioned by applying shellac to a hair piece purloined from a defunct touring company of the smash Broadway musical "Annie."

a. True
b. False
c. What is it about the title "Mayor" that attracts doofuses anyway?

6. Bonus Essay Question. LeBron James leaves Cleveland and now rides a bike to work in Miami. BSNYC leaves Brooklyn, visits Cleveland, and joins a Tweed Ride. Who's keeping it real now, huh, huh? Discuss.

McFly said...

c,c,c,c,c, DEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ NUTZZZZZZZZZZZZ

How'd I do?

Nina I love your profile pic. Looks like you are putting something in your mouth?

Unknown said...

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Anonymous said...

Get in your robocar, set the controls for random drive and use the time to update your facebook page.

DB said...

Ha ha ha! Thanks, Leroy.

Anonymous said...

I will f'ing LOVE driverless cars....they are bound to be programmed with the rules and laws, and so will not randomly run down bikes...they will actually brake to avoid errant bikes and stay out of bike lanes.

The more the better.

Yarpo said...

Thanks Leroy, I had to study real hard after seeing the questions, but I did okay on the quiz.

Babble, sorry to hear about the layoff, but to echo some others I am happy that you are facing the situation in your usual positive and upbeat manner. May the next place of work be awesome.

Frilly, okay...let me try again...Ride Fast/Let the Others Take Chances/Enjoy the Ride.

Six days till the Giro. Arranged my work schedule so I don't have to work until noon every day, thus enabling an early wakeup to watch it with my favorite Italian announcers on RAI TV. Dorktastic and worth it!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

What a weekend!
Met bikesnob at the BRA at Market Garden Brewery and drank a couple brews. Delicious! Thanks for defacing my books Wildcat. Come back to the Buckeye anytime. Went on a bike ride in the Cleve and witnessed a cute chick rocking a hula hoop in a park by the lake. She wasn't naked though unfortunately. And frilly's frilly is showing, Could it get any better?

Joseph hollander said...

Thanks for writing in such an encouraging post.I had a glimpse of it and couldn’t stop
reading till I finished. I have already bookmarked you. Wichita KS Divorce Attorney

No Snob for Days and Days said...

BABBLE: So sorry to hear the news. Given your upbeat personality, not to mention 7" heels, I'm willing to bet you'll bounce back quick. Got laid (off) once myself, no fun. But I ended up with a better job (as in more interesting).

LEROY: Q1, Shouldn't Martin Amis be on the list? Or would he have been on a Brooklyn list of people your dog would bite?

FRILLY: YES!!! to the Lilly of France tush shot. "Mod Squad", strange isn't it that the media can publish pics of people blown apart by suicide bombers, put put up a pic of a beautiful woman and the censors go wild.

NINA: Is that black coffee?

8======D ~ ~ ~ (oYo) said...

HULA

HOOP

I will hate on dooders that hoop all day long, but the ladies get a pass.

JB said...

Found out over the weekend (on a rain-drenched campout, ugh) that the post office is hiring; and hiring walking mail[persons]. This is my dream job (seriously). Maybe I could do my route on an all-terrain unicycle (tubeless, King hub, crabon rim, of course) and be featured on local television news! Wee!

DB said...

Podium!

Babble: may have a lead on a similar job for you in Chicago if you'd want to leave Vancouver.
You could stay with Crosspalms.

mikeweb said...

Great job on the quiz leroy! Especially liked the well done html-ing you did there.

babble, I feel confident (as I'm sure you do) that you will bounce back in no time. As they say, 'when one door closes...'.

And frilly: go Blues!!

babble on said...

Thank you, gentlemen! Yes, I bounce, except when it's a 50 ft fall (then I go splat quite nicely) so it's just a question of time before an interesting opportunity shows up.

Chicago, huh? I'm curious.

I was going to try and post last night, but was still too drunk after an entire weekend full of birthday parties. :S

Off for a Monday morning ride... there are some good bits to getting laid off! xo xo

Frilly Chick said...

MikeWeb! Yes! Beyond excited! #LGB

Thanks Yarpo for the modification. And I do enjoy the ride, just my way. That is all.

Outstanding quiz Leroy--you and the dog have outdone yourselves!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good Luck Babs! I hope you find something constructive to do soon. Oh well, can't beat a Monday morning bike ride.



recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranuses in Cleveland

mikeweb said...

Frilly, I'm hoping your team can kick some Kings butt, since the Kings denied my team the Cup in last years finals.

crosspalms said...

rct,
Nice! Thanks for the report and photos, that looks like a fun ride.

And for anyone who feels like gnashing their teeth instead of smiling at RCT's post, more bike lane foolishness in the NYTimes.

mikeweb said...

rct,

Great write up! It looked like a great time.

DB said...

No flying ass monkeys on RCT's post yet.

Anonymous said...

Warming up on the rollers....

wishiwasmerckx said...

Am I the only one checking with some degree of concern about the late hour with no new post before realizing I am a week early?

yankees suck said...

@crosspalms:

if you need any more evidence of NYC's provincial self importance...


I also find the yogurt comment funny because she missed an opportunity to take a jab at Boston - you know, the place where frozen yogurt was invented...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Am I the only one who tucks their junk between their legs and admires thier smooth, sinewy legs in the mirror?

Nina said...

Today was supposed to be May 6th!
No Snob... and McFly - in my pic I'm on 9th Ave. drinking coffee with soymilk in a paper cup with a hand-knitted cozy with hearts on it made by my Iowan mother-in-law. My mother-in-law knits coffee cozies.

DB - I love all these recommendations!! Thanks for being jealous, I'm so stressed about leaving nyc (even though it is often gross). I will do all this stuff, and I will buy that t-shirt. I looked up the bike club and since I'm not interested in woo hoo riding I'm thinking the group rides that are slow and short and end with ice cream socializing will be my executive upright citizen basically trying to stay balanced jam. Real Amish in Kalona, noted.

Yarpo - Yay for longevity of Amana pancake goodness!

Anon April 26 @ 2:21 PM - What you describe sounds so refreshing and impossible to imagine. Thanks for Ah Wuh good luck wishes and pronunciation recommendation.

Group Hug April 26 @ 3:35 PM - Nothing would mean more to me than crowd sourced bail money. The thought makes me teary.

Now I have to look up Babble's blog to see what happened with her job?! OH and that was a great RCT meeting Snob post!

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else get the feeling McFly is a 315 lb hideous internet geek addicted to Dorito's and Diet Mountain Dew?

leroy said...

Anon 1:59 PM --

No.

But my dog is a big fan of Doritos and Diet Mountain Dew.

That's how he and his buddies fuel their belching contests on poker night.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CJ, you are a tiresome ass. My legs are quite muscular, and would not ever be mistaken for sinewy. Now your wife's cooking? That's sinewy.

crosspalms said...

Am I the only one who thinks there are almost as many wishiwasmerckxes as there are anonymouses? They're multiplying like ass monkeys. I think the original wishiwasmerckx (the funny one) needs a copyright symbol or something.

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 1:59: No, nobody but you fantasizes about McFly much at all, really.

crosspalms said...

Nina,
I hope you title your first memoir "My mother-in-law knits coffee cozies."


day offlets, tiny days off

wishiwasmerckx© said...

I have a much higher opinion of myself, and the appearance of my legs than other people do. Some call it self delusion, I call it confidence.

Nina said...

Cross Palms - done! Future memoir title is chosen. Whew! I feel better.

Everyone should post links/photos to the type of bicycle(s) you drive. If you feel like it.

Here's mine, I think if I could afford a Retrovelo Klara I might have gotten that, but I do love my Biria. http://www.biria.com/bicycle/citibike/700c-step-through

Anonymous said...

^^^^^YOUR BIKE SUCKS!

McFly said...

Honestly I do get that feeling from time to time.

Nina, you are super-cute but tell me you accidently typed "drive" instead of "ride."

I am putting you on comment probation.

Nina said...

Anonymous 2:45 PM - awesome!!!

Anonymous said...

Biria Citibike: TIL, you can in fact paint a turd, and sell it for $500.

Shoulda bout a used Bridgestone hybrid.

Nina said...

McFly - it was an on purpose accident, but I understand if you put me in comment jail. Just finding new better ways to procrastinate over here.

McFly said...

Rest assured I would probably let you out early on bad behavior.

crosspalms said...

Nina,
Here in Chicago you can drive your bike on Bike the Drive.

Nina said...

Thanks McFly, I'm a bad bikedriver.

Anon 2:51 PM I would never ride a used Bridgestone Hybrid, I would keep it inside and only show it to collectors.

Nina said...

Cross Palms that is the perfect recreation for my bikedriving lifestyle!

Anonymous said...

Clearly. Bicycles are pretty fashion accessories.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Am I the only one who thinks there are almost as many wishiwasmerckxes as there are anonymouses?"

Oh so that's Whats going on! I'm a little slow on the uptake here I thought wiwm had decided to come out of the closet. I'm sorry for thinking that of you wiwm. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

The CJ character seems familiar. Kinda like angry dragon from a while back. What is it about WCRM that attracts these types?

Nice bike Nina, If it makes you happy and you ride it thats all that matters. Just tell the haters AYHSMB

captcha: but nadbar

Roille Figners said...

You guys are cute. But shoot, I thought Snobz was back today too. You tryin' to tell me it's a whole nuther week of this shit? Fuck. Can somebody contact Bret and see if he'll help us accomplish a temporal leap?

PBateman said...

happy monday m'fucka's


well, sniff sniff snob snob...crying noises for alas there is no update today. i got fooled too, thought he was back today.

well, in the mean time how about this cute video of a cat in a shark suit on a roomba chasing a duck?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NauzKqmJ6y8

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