Monday, April 1, 2013

April Food's Day? Sounds Delish!

Hey, look what day it is!


And you know what that means:


(Zut alors!)

Yes, it's "poisson d'avril," the hilarious day in France on which people engage in the delightful gag of taping a paper fish to an unwitting victim's back.  Of course, here in America we have a more pointed sense of humor, which is why the most common April Fool's prank is the phantom shoulder tap.  Here's how it works:

--Silently approach subject from behind;
--Stand on subject's left side;
--Tap subject's right shoulder;
--Subject then turns head over right shoulder, only to find nobody there;
--Confused, subject then turns head over left shoulder;
--Just as the subject sees you and realizes he or she has been duped, you raise your pistol and shoot the subject in the face.

If done correctly, not only will your victim have been fooled, but he or she also won't live to rat you out to the left-wing bureaucrats.  Best of all, you'll have exercised your Constitutional right to bear arms.  USA, baby!


When guns are infringed upon then only outlaws will be in fringes:


(If it wasn't for the Second Amendment these dirty hippies wouldn't have gotten shot at the end of the movie.)

Don't forget to put food on the Hopper's table, or to put fringes on the Hopper's jacket.

Speaking of America, on Saturday I went to set my DVR to record the Touring of Flanders, a uniquely un-American event in which people ride bicycles for speed.  However, when I switched to OLN/Versus/NBC/Whatever-It-Is-Now, all I found scheduled for Sunday was a bunch of Babe Winkelman crap:


("Poisson d'Avril!")

This disappointed me greatly.  Look, I know "real" cycling fans stream these races on the Internet, but I have no desire to crouch over my laptop or make the monumental effort of walking it all the way to the TV and plugging it in.  In fact, as a blogger I don't want to get anywhere near a computer on the weekend--weekends are for bikes, old-fashioned TV, and paper reading materials.  Plus, if you watch it on the Internet, then the commentary is either in Phlegmish or whatever they speak over there, or else it's someone like Sean Kelly droning on and on about who knows what, and the one time I watched race coverage with Sean Kelly commentating I fell asleep so deeply that I awoke in a Dumpster three days later.  Yes, "real" cycling fans dismiss the commentary we get in the USA as inane and vacuous, but it's Sunday in America dammit, and inane and vacuous is what this country is all about.  Plus, it was Easter Sunday and we had family over, and that includes kids.  You can't have Belgian Tour of Flanders race coverage playing on the TV when children are around.  All that low country hocking will just make them cry.

Anyway, apparently Fabian Cancellara won, unless I'm the victim of an elaborate April Fool's joke (but since I'm still alive I'll assume that's not the case):


"It was a strange race. It was fast at the beginning. There weren't many riders left at the end but I did the right tactic. Everyone expected me to go and I tried to make the first selection on the Kwaremont. I love the cobbles and so after that I did what I had to do."

Cycling writers love to wax poetic about cobblestones, which is why when Cancellara says he loves the cobbles they get all tight in the chamois--as does pretty much every Fred who bought a crabon bike for it's "vibration-damping characteristics."  Another group of people who love cobblestones are preservationists, and they're very upset that the city wants to replace some century-old cobblestones in Brooklyn with newer, smoother, faux-aged ones--in part to make it more accessible to bicyclists:



In a compromise that has not eased all minds, the city’s Department of Transportation has offered to install new cobbles that are aged artificially, like a pair of stonewashed jeans, to appear more worn.

“It is far worse than I could have imagined,” said Andrew S. Dolkart, director of the historic preservation program at Columbia University, decrying the “phony urbanism” of the replacement stones. “It is appalling that the D.O.T. would destroy real historic material and replace it with a completely ersatz program.”

As a cyclist and appreciator of old things, I too am susceptible to the romance of the cobble.  Nevertheless, as a person living in the year 2013 I also understand that these people need to shut up.  Public streets need to be accessible first and charming second, hence the compromise of the artificially aged stones.  However, what's happened is that rich people recently discovered this neighborhood, and the problem is that if the streets aren't "authentic" enough then they won't feel special anymore.  This speaks to a wider trend in Brooklyn.  Really, Brooklyn is "phony urbanism," and now that the borough has gone "full douche" everyone is suddenly a preservation Nazi hell-bent on turning the place into a hyper-expensive 19th century theme park full of jolly artisans.  Basically it's becoming a "living museum," like when I was a kid and we went to a class trip to Old Bethpage where people in period clothing force-fed us birch bark---only this living museum is for adults who spend vast amounts of money to live there themselves and become part of the show.  In ten years the entire place will be either condo-fied or landmarked, and everyone in Brooklyn is either going to look like this:


Or this:


By the way, if you go to Vinegar Hill you'll already find numerous anachronisms to spoil your 19th century fantasy, such as these things called "cars" that are parked all over the place, as well as the giant buzzing power plant:


So I don't think switching out the road surface is really that big of a deal--though I suppose they could keep it the way it is and all the yuppies streaming into the neighborhood for brunch at Vinegar Hill House can just ride these, as forwarded to me by a reader:



Though it does clash with the 19th century aesthetic, which is why someone really needs to market a full-suspension pennyfarthing.

Meanwhile, another reader tells me that there are also aesthetic objections to a bike lane in Los Angeles:


Their concern: The bright color would be a distraction to viewers, doesn't belong in period movies and makes it harder for L.A. to do what it does best: play other cities.

"As we all know, unlike other major cities, our downtown footprint is very small and limited and we've used this stretch for [an] 'anywhere in the world' big city for years and it is vital to us for many projects, " Ed Duffy, business agent for Teamsters Local 399, which represents location managers, wrote in a recent email to members.

They've been complaining about this for some time, and my question is this:

What the fuck happened to good old-fashioned "movie magic?"

I mean, really.  So over the years Hollywood has:

--Made a giant gorilla climb the Empire State Building;
--Made a spaceship blow up the white house;
--Made dinosaurs come to life and trample Newman from "Seinfeld;"
--Made Joseph Gordon-Levitt look like he can ride a bike;
--Hidden all of Angelina Jolie's cold sores.

But somehow some green paint on the street is making it impossible for them to film movies all of a sudden?  No wonder movies suck so bad now.  These people have gotten lazy.  When I was a kid they had good movies, like this one:


Now the same guy who made that lovable alien just makes boring aliens like this one:


(Now that guy got April Fooled!)

Or maybe he wasn't supposed to be an alien, maybe he was supposed to be a zombie.

Who could even stay awake long enough to find out?


89 comments:

Adam said...

Early post. First?

dcdouglas said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

POOO DIUM

Anonymous said...

I swear Sean Kelly went on and on yesterday about how the "magic spanner" wasn't really magic at all. I suppose next he'll say that the Easter Bunny isn't real either.

Comment deleted said...

Wow, that's early!

Anonymous said...

top 20! (j/k)

sauties 978 ???

mikeweb said...

Such foolishness...

McFly said...

I am going to talk like Daniel Day-Lewis all day. ALL DAY.

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches!

Anonymous said...

man bitches!

samh said...

Another Cockie Contest coming up, perhaps?

McFly said...

My local channel that shows bicycle racing bicycles showed the Three Days of de Panne(Which is like saying of twice) about 17 times so it was really 51 days of de Panne but not Rhonda van deDeVVvllandrrerrn even once.(Pronounced ON-saaay)

Anonymous said...

Early post, going to Bronx Bombers opening day?

ChamoisJuice said...

APRL FOOL

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Winkelman? Nah, I prefer the other Babe.

agentdetroit said...

this is no joke. i built a dual suspension fixed gear bike because i'm crazy like that...

mikeweb said...

I watched the Ronde Van Morrison Van Vlanderen on the innernets on Sunday. If there was a game to drink every time Sean Kelly says 'Cal-cuul-lay-shun', it would be a drunken afternoon of passing out.

BTW, I went for a ride on those very cobbles in Dumbo the day before. If I wasn't on my commuter bike with the tough 36h rims and the 700 X 31 tires I probably would've ended up going ass over tea kettle. Not to mention that the authentic cobbles are already interspersed with fairly fresh 'ashfelt' from where the old trolley tracks were recently ripped out. The 'living museum' crowd needs to shut up and take their act to 'Plimoth Plantation' where it belongs.

Michele Bachmann said...

"inane and vacuous" Finally someone who understands me.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Funniest thing in that cobblestone article:

"preponderance of porta-potties"

Sarah Palin said...

"inane and vacuous" Finally someone who understands me.

Anonymous said...

replacing those old cobbles is a serious faux-pave

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Green, for fucks'sake is the easiest color to remove from digital video... that's why they have 'green screens'

douchebags

nice tits

fuck monday, too... while i'm at it.

ChamoisJuice said...

NICE TITS

PETA TODD

CIPO APVD

Roille Figners said...

Wow, posting before 11am? WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF WILDCAT ROCK MACHINE?!?!!

Yarpo said...

Fay-Bee-Yunnnnn!
Got up at 5:00am and watched the Ronde Van Ned Flanders. Sean Kelly was okay although now that you mention it, I did have trouble staying awake, even with strong coffee. His commentating partner was a total douchebag though.

Samh!!! I remember when you were winning Commentariat Podiums like Mark Cavendish in his early, early, pro days!

Saw an attractive-as-hell woman in front of the Elmwood Theater in Berkeley the other night wearing thigh-high boots WITH GLITTER! For a moment I thought it was Babble and was mad because I hadn't heard that the Pope was coming to town. A second look revealed her to be too old to be Babble, yet still hot, so she gets points. Lots of points, especially with the stiletto heals...

DB said...

I'm more of a Roland Martin fan when it comes to fishing shows.

Go Nats!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Romantic cobblestones?!

Anonymous said...

Those cobbles would easier if they just allowed commuter bikes, as apparently will be the case in this year's Giro D'Italia. https://vimeo.com/63037772

JB said...

From the cobbles article: "[The cobblestones] have survived in Brooklyns northwest corner for over a century - handmade and rounded..."

Handmade? Hand carved or shaped, maybe? Who's editing that rag?

P.S. thanks for spoiling the end of Easy Rider. I was going to watch that tomorrow night.

The King of Park Slope said...

Honest Aberil fool?

Fritz said...

Brooklyn Turning into old Bethpage Restoration? Insane in the Membrane

I sense a financial opportunity here though...I am going to offer Reproduction Cannon Bollards at a reasonable price to the NY Metro Area...They can plant them all over the place and maybe stop the cars from reaching the sidewalk or the bike lane... they can be safe and authentic all at onceIts Win/Win

DB said...

I see where women in Saudi Arabia are now allowed to ride bicycles in parks and recreational areas as long as they are accompanied by a male relative or guardian and that they wear the full head to toe abaya.
I sense a marketing opportunity for Rapha here.
And 7 inch heels.

ChamoisJuice said...


DAGG UMIT

FISH FOOL

babble on said...

Yawwwwn... what time is it?

I LOVE sleeping in on a Monday! Good day, peeps!

Anonymous said...

C'mon Babble, get that cock out of your hand/ass/mouth/vajayjay and make a comment.

babble on said...

DB - Of course. Can't ride without seven inch heels. It's best if they come up to your crotch, too...

Anonymous said...

SEAN LOVE

Anonymous said...

Have to disagree about the fake cobbles. If your going to go that route, might as well put down asphalt. What is this Florida?
Why would you be riding anything narrower than a 28c tire in the city anyway?

babble on said...

It IS possible to comment with a cock in your ass/hand/mouth/vajayjay, you know.

Just sayin... :)

Roille Figners said...

Yeah see, the thing about cobbles, they're not magic, that was simply the best pavement they could think of at the time, before the orgy of fossil fuels began, that enabled people to heat up a whole truck full of asphalt to 300º F. (And provided the asphalt itself for that matter.) (I said "orgy.") On the other hand the cobbles allow rainwater to infiltrate so there's less toxic runoff. And they last longer, which is why they're still around. I think I just talked myself into being pro-cobble actually. Not so some dee-houche can bray about how "historic" his precious little neighborhood is, but strictly because of civil & environmental engineering criteria. Cobble all the streets! Trust me, it'll be a lot easier & cheaper to keep 'em paved when the oil and money run out.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

one-handed commenting is dangerous!

remember what happened to snob last week on his dork bike?

Anonymous said...

You got Budnitzed

http://blog.budnitzbicycles.com/post/46856265516/budnitz-is-proud-to-announce-the-release-of-our

ChamoisJuice said...

You get rid of cobbles, you ruin the oppurtunity for nuns riding bikes on cobbles jokes:

I haven't come that way before.

ChamoisJuice said...

Two nuns are painting a room when they decide to take off their habits so they won't get paint on them.......
A little while later there is a knock at the door, "Who is it" the nuns ask......
"Blind man"
The nuns figure they don't need to get dressed because the guy is blind so they open the door......
The guy walks in carrying some blinds and says... "Nice Tits"

mikeweb said...

From anon 12:29,

And I bet the bottom bracket still squeaks.

Urban Retrogrouch said...

Bring back the wooden sidewalks!

Bender said...

That Budnitz probably still has a regular freehub in the rear, with spacers like the one WCRM tested. The really stupid thing is, White Industries makes a single speed rear hub, and it's probably more expensive than their cassette model Budnitz used, to boot. Doofuses.

Anonymous said...

hollywood has been struggling to get that "suspension of disbelief" thing for quite some time now

Anonymous said...

I work in the advertising business and shoot commercials on location in LA all the time. It's the unions themselves that are making it hard to shoot there, not green stripes.

You have to to pay these A-holes $250 to plug in an extension cord or they will boycott you.

That's why we look to shoot in Vancouver or Charlotte, etc. whenever we can.

Anonymous said...

are they going to have to rename Cobblehill to Asphalt Hill? You know who is not going to like the spondee of that.

Kolodzilla said...

Nice Colnago bar plugs.

Anonymous said...

Check out this bike "smart lock" that comes with its own net to fish the swallowed key out of the toilet:

http://www.commutebybike.com/2013/04/01/scatolock-automatic-bike-lock-with-hidden-smart-key/

balls™ said...

When it comes to watching people fish on TV, nobody beats Bill Dance. Watching other people fish from the comfort of my couch really rocks my intertrochantetric region.

Scranus, nipple, etc.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good call Fritz on the reproduction cannon bollards. I like those. But probably a little too "gun themed" for that nut job mayor over there in New Amsterdam.

Comment deleted said...

Scat-O-Lock: the perfect Poisson d'Avril gift! Brilliant.

Fritz said...

Thanks RCT

True they might frighten the Mayor,
but even more incredible is the fact they started removing bollards in NYC because they hindered "pedestrian flow"...

Dooth said...

It's not just the original cobblestones the "preservationists" want, they insist that their beloved borough be spelled BREUCKELEN.

crosspalms said...

Fritz,
Speaking of bollards...

oluagag. must be a Hawaiian April Fool's Day joke.

Fritz said...

CP those Brit Bollards are Epic

bikesgonewild said...

..."...you raise your pistol and shoot the subject in the face..."...

...little edgy at the beginning there, bsnyc/rtms/wcrm...

Anonymous said...

Maybe I missed it because I'm not an astute eaterer of kulture but I noticed Wild Cat missed this apt artickle on "Brooklyn: The Brand" http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/brooklyn-the-brand/

Which presents to notion that Brooklyn doesn't just take pride in oozing douchiness, turning douchebags into artesanal douchebags crafted from upcycled tire tubes, but now takes credit for exporting the "Brooklyn Brand" Douchebaggery to the world.

Thanks Brooklyn, I hate the "fixie" douchebags that rumble around the Bywater and Marigny neighborhoods of New Orleans even more because they apparently are "Brooklyn Brand" douchebags.

ken e. said...

was going to type "dumb posts" knuckle tat style, but didn't want it taken the wrong way...

DUSH XPRT
YUMI FUGU
SILY BLRD

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

FISH LIPS

Marc said...

BELCH! Flanders is part of Belgium now, everybody knows the speak Belch, it goes with the beer.

Vegas said...

Cobbles? I thought everyone was getting excited about cobbler. I had peach.

Something's fishy about this post, Snob

1785 eredingo
Eredingo, deredingo, everwheredingo.

CommieCanuck said...

Brooklyn was a brand of Italian chewing gum in the 70s. no shit.

Poisson d'avril has evolved in Quebec where it is now customary to just kick English speakers in the scranus. This is a highly evolved culture we cannot hope to comprehend, good thing they have laws banning inflammatory words like "pasta" and "fire Exit" from Quebec restaurants. no shit.

babble on said...

Canada went to hell in a handbasket ages ago... we were just too polite to mention it to anyone.

bikesgonewild said...

...peter sagan...classless move on the podium...

...manages to both disrespect the woman he fondled AND draw the attention to himself & away from cancellara, the man who was savvy enough to beat him to the line...

...'light hearted' ???...nope, classless & disrespectful...

Frilly Chick said...

Oh, I really like him in Last of the Mohicans.

BUCK SKIN

And Vegas, please tell me there was vanilla ice cream involved. That is the ONLY way to have cobbler.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Oh tha's a fiiiine muskie.

Anonymous said...

CommieCanuck: The original italian Brooklyn Chewing Gum is still in production today: http://brooklyn.about.com/od/brooklynbridge/tp/The-Story-Of-Brooklyn-Chewing-Gum-Italys-First-Gum-Named-For-Brooklyn-Bridge.htm , and even the packages look exactly like the first ones in the 1950s: http://blogs.villagevoice.com/forkintheroad/2009/05/think_globally.php . So all retro-oriented Brooklynites should be fine chewing this gums ev'ry day (and dropping the period correct wrappings right on their cobblestone streets, of course).

Matthew said...

Solution to green bike lane issue: use greeen screen coloured paint. Makes it easy for the film makers, keeps the bike lanes green for the sort of person who gives a shit about that sort of thing, and creates jobs for VFX guys. Win win win win win win win etc.

Anonymous said...

They're going to have to name that hill The Paternityberg if Sagan keeps that up.

babble on said...

Oh hey Yarpo! I just saw your comment from this morning... Cheers! Don't look too carefully, though, I am definitely a woman "of a certain age."

Anonymous said...

I'm willing to bet that the only reason Snobbie brought up the whole cobble thing is to prove that someone else in the world uses the word "ersatz."

Roille Figners said...

If you could make a graph of my level of interest/excitement at the Sagan story, it would look like a bunch of stairsteps. A professional cyclist (flatline at zero) named Sagan (up half a notch purely by association with Carl Sagan) grabbed the ass (up a notch) of a podium girl (up two notches) and now a bunch of people have opinions about it (back to zero).

Warren Zevon said...

Aaahoo!
Bollards of London.

Vegas said...

Oh Frills, how right you are! Adding more points to your Awesome Score®. Superfunny because: my friend and I get to the checkout, and I ask if she has sufficient vanilla ice cream to accompany the cobbler (that she had picked out btw). She rolls her eyes and storms off to the other side of the store toward the frozen food section to get some. HA! She comes back and apologizes to the cashier and the cashier says "No prob, you can't have cobbler w/o ice cream." I giggle and my friend just glares at me.

Anonymous said...

http://you-win-the-internet.com?n=Bike Snob

anonymoose said...

You know who really got fooled?!
Colored people! By Lincoln!!! This shit cannot be made up! Ha ha ha ha!

Maya said...

That taste great. This would bring my own delight. Everyone would interest with this.

Anonymous said...

Why would anyone be upset about the cobblestones? Replacing the authentic with the super/artificial is what Americans are best at.

Kasey said...

Biker grabbing some ass after Tour of Flanders, awesome.
http://deadspin.com/cyclist-under-fire-for-pinching-a-podium-girls-backsid-464834903?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_twitter&utm_source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

Dieter said...

Wow, posts on Good Friday *and* Easter Monday? It's almost like you don't even care that Jesus died for your sins just so you can make mildly to moderately humorous jokes about bi-keen...

Anonymous said...

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Nicholas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

"I work in the advertising business..."

Enough said. My rate for you would be at least $1000. Let the Canadians have you.

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