Monday, March 25, 2013

This Just In: Riding A Bike Makes You Special!


(Seen here by Klaus.)

So what heroic exploits did you undertake on your bicycle this weekend?  Did you sit on the saddle?  Did you pedal the bicycle?  Did you make the bicycle move forward?  Did you do all of this alongside other people wearing similar clothing and riding similar bicycles, or did you do it all by yourself?

More importantly, how did you share your ride afterwards with the rest of the world?  After all, that's the whole point of riding a bike.  Whether you ride alone or with others, it's crucial that everyone have access to details about your  inspirational life-changing recreational pursuits, because of course while plenty of people have bicycles, nobody rides them as interestingly as you do.

It's like singing "The Wheels On The Bus," only for grown-ups.

One good way to share your ride and have a great big sing-along is by using social Fredworking sites like Strava.  Another way is to get sponsorship from some energy drink (or "douche juice") company and make a video of yourself using the wrong bike for something, like the rider known as Seabiscuit, as forwarded to me by a reader:


We've seen Seabiscuit's work before, and this time he's going over the Galibier or the Telegraphe or both of them or neither or who fucking cares on his track bike with the following ratio of who cares x who cares:


I'm sure someone out there who badly needs to get a life can tell you exactly how many skid patches that yields without even consulting their iPhone.

Anyway, thusly decked out in his charity ride chic outfit and astride his Nü-Fred fixie mountain meh-chine, he narrates the ride for us:


"I'll go through hell, I'll crawl through several layers of hell," he explains.

Oh, save it.  You're not going on a tour of duty in Afghanistan, you're going for a bike ride.  You won't crawl through any layers of hell.  You'll go through a recreational bike ride, and you'll crawl through several layers of recreation--slowly, because you picked the wrong bike.

"The point is to achieve something by my very own means, and against myself," he continues.  "Just by the power of will and physical strength.  That's my nature."

Right, just himself.  And his sponsor.  And his support vehicle.  And his film crew.  And his Garmin:


If you need to tap into your "will and physical strength" in order to engage in your hobby, you should either find a new hobby, or else you should recalibrate your sense of "will and physical strength."  If going for a bike ride draws from his reserves of "will and physical strength" then having a bowel movement must be off the charts.  (I can't wait for that video.)  And smile once in awhile, for chrissakes:


You're riding a freaking bike, not brokering a cease fire between warring countries--though you'd never know that by listening to him.  Consider this rhetorical question, for example:

"This mountain.  Is it my friend or is it my enemy?"


Maybe the mountain is neither.  Maybe it's your "frenemy."  Or, even more likely, maybe it's a millenia-old geological formation that doesn't give a flying fuck about you or your gear ratio.

Of course, it's perfectly normal to engage in some self-indulgent introspection while you're riding, though you should be worried if you start asking yourself dumb questions like this:

"Why is this road here?  What is it doing here?"


The combination of thin mountain air and a thick-headed rider is a dangerous one indeed--though it makes me even more excited for that epic bowel movement video:


("Why is this toilet here?  What is it doing here?")

Eventually, he grinds his way to the top of the mountain, at which point he commences with the descent and the idiotic skidding:


By the way, if you look closely you can see there are some skidmarks already on the road, which leads me to wonder just how staged this video actually is. Here's another shot in which you can also see earlier skidmarks immediately to his left:


I hear the skidmarks in the bowel movement "edit" are going to be sick.

Most amazingly, we're well into 2013 now, yet people are still attempting to impart spiritual significance to fixed-gear cycling:

"Cycling on a track bike certainly has deep spiritual aspects.  It's repetitive to an extend that I achieve a trance-like state of mind."

That's actually called "boredom," and he's managed to convey the sensation very convincingly in the film.

And this is called "déjà vu:"


Yes, no fixie downhilling video would be complete without the obligatory ruined rear tire shot.  Could Red Bull buy this guy a road bike already?  I wonder if the bowel movement video will feature close-ups of blown-out toilet paper squares.  

In any case, with this landmark video, Seabuscuit has cemented his reputation as the David Blaine of fixies, in that he is a shadowy, wispily-mustached figure who resurfaces periodically to perform some outsized stunt nobody really cares about anyway.

Speaking of stunts nobody cares about, absolutely nobody cares about amateur bike racers, though that's not stopping the Wall Street Journal from blowing the helment off of Fred doping:

In my years of racing in New York City I've seen numerous doping scandals, but the most amusing was the Case of the Gran Fondo Doping Fred, who is quoted in the article:

After his positive test last year, Anthony offered some insight into the amateur's motivation to cheat, saying his obsession with winning drove him to use banned drugs. In a recent email, he said he supports all antidoping efforts, but wonders whether amateurs will simply learn to game the system, as many pros have done, particularly by easing off performance-enhancing drugs ahead of competition.

"Surprise out-of-competition tests seem more effective as a deterrent," Anthony said. "That would have likely made me think twice."

Well said.  Yes, it's everybody else's job to save you from being a complete douchebag and cheating at your pathetic hobby.  

The article also makes a good point, which is that amateur cyclists want to be tested so they can be just like the pros:

That cyclists are leading the push to test amateurs is likely no coincidence, considering the large number of pros in that sport who have cheated, most notably Lance Armstrong, who late last year was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles and who has since acknowledged doping during his cycling career.

Once you've paid for the crabon bike and the crabon wheels and custom team kits and the power meter and the coach, what's left but to pay for someone else to take your pee in a cup after a race?  Of course, at the same time, amateur bike racers are always looking for a discount, which is why they've only managed to raise a paltry $5,000:  

Following suit, the New York bicycle association has raised $5,000 for testing, the same amount raised so far by the Bicycle Racing Association of Colorado. By all accounts, that is far from enough to adequately police amateur riders.

Indeed, $5,000 is not going to pay for an anti-doping program.  In fact, $5,000 is the retail price of a typical New York City Cat 4 racer's wheelset.  What they really should do is work with the manufacturers to introduce a surcharge on all this stupid equipment.  This surcharge would then be used to fund drug tests on the purchaser.  In fact, I think there should be mandatory drug testing on all purchasers of ridiculous crabon equipment.  Here's how it would work:

1) Fred presents his USA Cycling license when he buys a Zippp Spud Wankery Firecrap Crabon wheelset with drug testing surcharge built into the already ridiculous price:



2) This surcharge is applied directly towards testing Fred's pee-pee throughout the season:


3) Fred's weenie-ism is thus completely self-sustaining and self-regulating, and anybody who doesn't want to pay for the stupid wheels or the stupid testing can just buy reasonable and durable equipment that they use year after year.  (And as a bonus, the Freds who suddenly and inexplicably "downgrade" will be easily identified as dopers.)

Meanwhile, drug testing is poised to be the new must-have accessory for Freds, and the real winner in all of this is Usada, who get paid to do the tests--even on ballroom dancers:

Since cycling is an Olympic sport, Usada has the power to test at all sanctioned races, even amateur events. But Travis Tygart, chief executive of Usada, said elite events have traditionally taken priority. Tygart said amateur track and field competitions, archery events and even the Pikes Peak marathon have paid to have Usada testers on race day.

"We've even done ballroom dancing," Tygart said. "Athletes are stepping up and saying even if we're weekend warriors, we don't' want to be cheated."

Sure, cyclists may be bad, but there's no athlete more crooked than a dance floor Fred:


(Fred.  Get it?  Of course you do.)


Lastly, even though some people apparently find it flirtatious, there are few things more irritating then strangers chiding you for not wearing a helment:



Tompkins at Myrtle
You said, "Nice helmet." I made up some excuse about not wearing one...but maybe I should have ridden with you to safety instead of pedaling off. Thanks for looking out for me regardless.


"Nice tits" is generally the appropriate response in cases like these.

104 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

ding ding

dnk said...

PO PO!

babble on said...

Hooray! I'm special.

dnk said...

Evelyn Woodhead spead redding...

Roille Figners said...

Bored at work!

Anonymous said...

Woo hoo! Top ten!

Perry said...

Slow morning. Even a fat old fred like me has squozen into the top ten.

smovlov said...

smell it

Anonymous said...

Vandenbergh

Anonymous said...

Fuck u seabuscuit

This looks like a good place for an 11

Tom Bonnen said...

My knee hurts

Comment deleted said...

Fredworking...good one, Snob.

ken e. said...

specialest!

stiveaux said...

A classic rant for the national archives!

plum said...

Ahhh, this was so great. The animosity is like crack cocaine. Agree. Concur. Correct.

babble on said...

"Nice tits" is a good response to almost anything...

"Good morning!"

"Nice tits."

See what I meant?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Trance fixed.

theEel said...

weed.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

@dnk,
i hope you like the sandwich today, you bastard... i could've been on top of babble.

nice tits

Big Charlie said...

Great idea about the Urine Deposit Fee. It's just like a Returnable Bottle deposit, except instead of getting 10 cents back for your empty "Snapple" you get someone to...

For Christ's sake, these guys are morons.

Fritz said...

what no reporting of this past weekends Brooklyn Mini-Drome?

Roille Figners said...

I peddled my bicycle real interesting. Their I went down the street peddling. If your saying thanks I say your welcome.

rwaiee feenyay

pterted 432

Totally pterted.

Anonymous said...

Extreme Duder?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbMuL5q0DQs

BikeSnobNYC said...

Fritz,

Attending an event like that is my idea of crawling through several layers of hell.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

cheese_bagel said...

Usada has the power to test at all sanctioned races, even amateur events.

Yeah, not really. The IOC and UCI/USAC love to keep this little bit of fiction alive.

USADA is a testing agency ONLY. It responds to sports federations or event promoters requests for tests. The sports federation handles the test results.

A sports federation suppressing a positive result is the origin of the permanently poison phrase "Never tested positive."

Marion Jones and Lance are two examples of the sports federation hiding positives.

balls™ said...

That was the best disembodied had shot ever. It was almost as epic as the rant below it. Both made my day.

Fritz said...

"several layers of Hell"

make that a Hell Sandwich LOL

Anonymous said...

FIXI DORK

FRED WANK

NICE TITS

Anonymous said...

"she's run more laps than Seabiscuit"

Paul Bowen said...

If someone said "nice helmet" to me I would think my shorts were torn and thank her for not calling the police.

ChamoisJuice said...

WORK!

McFly said...

..........now what's this about Lance Armstrong?

dr. doom said...

the mayor and the gubner should ban those 30 spoke count wheels before more people are killed. who needs 30 spokes anyway? 3 or 4 or 5 should be plently to run over squirrels.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I bet that guy is a good bowler.

babble on said...

That WAS the best disembodied hand shot ever... thanks Snobbers.

Oh, and nice tits.

babble on said...

It would be better if we could actually see them, though... and a little helmet disclosure never went amiss, either.

just sayin...

mikeweb said...

Retrogrouch,

Hopefully you remembered to pop a wheelie when you crossed the finish line.

Comment deleted said...

I don't really understand Cipo's coaching methods, but if they get results, more power to him (and his disembodied hand).

Nice tits, Snobby!

JB said...

So they've gone and found a way to make a nude female model in heels look unattractive.

wishiwasmerckx said...

See, that first photo proves what I've been saying all along. When your stem is too short, it hunches up the back, significantly and negatively impacting both breathing and aerodynamics.

Somebody get that hapless photographer a 210mm stem, STAT.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Oh, and by the way, what happened to her cycling shorts? She's leaving vaginal shoreline all over that saddle.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Oh, and Chag Sameach to all you MOT's on this fine Passover.

McFly said...

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/03/25/17457214-sen-portmans-gay-son-writes-column-about-coming-out-to-his-dad?lite


They had to run a cycling photo. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Cereal Retrogrouch said...

I haven't bought anything from Post since they stopped making that wonderful granola, "CW Post".


The bastards.

Paint me Pantani said...

Hey Wildcat please don't try to take a bunch of time off because of Passover. Your blog duties do not qualify as work.

McFly said...

I bet the model with Predator hair in running the new Smella Itailia SLR(Sloppy Lady Rub).

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

The puppet on that bike, looks so life-like

the commentariat said...

Now that's the McFly we all know and love!

Anonymous said...

This weekend I began the process of replacing the spokes on my back wheel, as it was improperly tensioned and spokes kept snapping. It took time as it is my first time doing such repair.

That errand led me to ride around on my "city bike," an early 90's rigid MTB with touring tires, fenders, and a porteur rack.

That was the extent of my riding and bike related activities this weekend, thanks for asking.

In parting, I think the sport of cycling is primed to rebound from this whole doping thing.

ge said...

blah, blah, obvious statement about hand placement
blah, blah, my epic ride this weekend.

Okay, I feel better now that I've shared. It's not good to keep these things bottled up.

ChamoisJuice said...

The gay son of a republican is riding a Serotta.

You can tell he is a gay based on his elbows in riding position.

Elbows in is preferred riding position of those that prefer penii to vageen.

Jury is still out on Portman. I am also curious what type of ti bike he's riding...

Anonymous said...

SADDL SNFR

CommieCanuck said...

Wrong equation snob, it's who cares X who cares / who gives a fuck. People always forget that last part because it's usually one.

MATH GNUS

ChamoisJuice said...

I feel like there is a dentist joke in there somewhere....

TOOF FARY

mikeweb said...

McFly,

Here's how to do it.

Pretty easy peesy.

Buffalo Bill said...

So is 'nice tits' the appropriate response to any cycling related compliment, backhanded or sincere?

CommieCanuck said...

I see they are finally making stripper heels SPD compatible. About fucking time.
I'm sure Dr. Andy Pruitt was responsible for that setup.

Annie Leibovitz said...

Great opening photo of Frilly.

bikesgonewild said...

...

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry - 'google account' was testing me...

Anonymous said...

& just sayin...

ChamoisJuice said...

These are the only other photos I can find of Portman:

http://www.toledoblade.com/image/2012/08/12/800x_b1_cCM_z/U-S-Sen-Rob-Portman-1.jpg

in the background here, can't make out too many details.
http://media.cmgdigital.com/shared/img/photos/2012/08/11/d0/88/robportman.jpg

My analysis:
One side of his bartape is on backwards.

Photo Editor said...

Annie @ 255: Must be Cipo flexing his middle finger under Frilly.

bikesgonewild said...

...guy obviously has 'separation issues' or he'd let her go to ride like the wind...

...it's a track bike, bro...she'll go round in a big circle & come right back to you...

...i'd say "...nice tits..." but who can tell w/ that ugly 'primal wear' meat jersey fucking up her aerodynamics...

...those sidi's are great, babe but consider red ones to help set off your oh, so bland silver cinelli...

...just sayin'...

Roille Figners said...

"Nice helmet."

--> "Nice burqa."

Roille Figners said...

RE: "Nice helmet."

Did something happen such that mouthing off to total strangers in NYC is now considered safe? I guess someone like this needs to get stabbed pretty soon. Except who will do the job? Some weakling fakerjack who can barely swing a Best-Made? So yeah, I guess it is totally safe.

JB said...

@ Annie @ 2:55: That aint Frilly's rump. There's no there there.

bikesgonewild said...

...btw, babe...whilst closely examining your form, ahhh, that is to say, positioning on the bike, i noticed the not very professional job on those wheels wherein the tire labels don't line up w/ the valve stems...

...it's not simply some style issue as was implied here recently but when a tire needs to be pumped, one knows immediately where the valve stem is located...

...that & i'd suggest moving your hands just slightly forward into the curve of the bar for better control 'cuz you're not a muscle-y type...

CommieCanuck said...

whilst closely examining your form, ahhh, that is to say, positioning on the bike, i noticed the not very professional job on those wheels wherein the tire labels don't line up w/ the valve stems...


Holy shit, there IS a bike in that picture!

CommieCanuck said...

Nice Helmet.

Dooth said...

The chick on the Cinelli and the disembodied probing hand is actually modeling Lulemon's new line of cycling pants.

Frilly Chick said...

Right JB, I'm definitely a little more BUMP-ier.

And my bike fits. With properly aligned valve stems.

Anonymous said...

When I ride the wrong bike for the purpose I usually try to NOT tell people about it, rather than make a movie providing evidence that I'm a dumbass. Does that mean I'm not a hipster?

Roille Figners said...

Commie: FLIPPIN SWEET!

bikesgonewild said...

...not only that commiecanuck but apparently there was a whole article after that photo about some dumb shit doing dumb shit stuff on an inappropriate bike...

...but i missed that part due to my attentive concern about the young woman on the bike...

...& frilly ???...you n' babble are 'special' (in a good way) whether your valve stems & tire labels are aligned on not...

Dooth said...

I'm going to video myself riding a mountain bike on a velodrome...way more goofy than downhill track bike skidding.

bikesgonewild said...

...i think a bidet out in the open, up on the hill would be more appropriate than a toilet so that all the world can literally see what a douchebag this guy is...

...btw...some orthopedic surgeon is gonna love replacing this guy's knees in 20 years...

crosspalms said...

Speaking of toilets, I haven't seen "The Pope's Toilet" yet, but it's got bikes in it.

DB said...

I see that Nice Tits is the word of the day, but just in case, scranus.

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...even a pope's gotta poop, ya ???...

Anonymous said...

FRED TAX.

Anonymous said...

The word of the day is "Vulv Stem".
Lub, lub, lub them lil' pink beans.

babble on said...

Buffalo Bill @ 2:40 - it's appropriate any time, night or day.

Commie Canuck @ 2:43 - IIIIIII know, right??

Anonymous said...

47 and 17 are both prime numbers, so by my estimation he should get 17 skid G-spots, around $40 of tire per mile descended, and if it were me a lifetime of Fred anonymity.

anonymoose said...

Ha. Next time my insurance agent pulls up next to me at a red, and says "nice helmet"; well,you know the rest.



NICE TITS

ce said...

Classic Snobbery.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I think you are at last getting to the core of "Fredism." You have to be fucking crazy to compare a bike ride to "crawling through hell" but these guys truely view themselves as being heroic. Actually a bike ride would be hell for me if I believed there would be no beer waiting for me at the end of it.

Anonymous said...

I like the bike tailor article

http://gentlemensreport.nzz.ch/articles/design/

"Sartoria Cicli - a tailor shop for bikes. This sounds at first strange, but is actually logical : In a time when individuality of upmost importance and is a status symbol is such only if it did not also another, the bike belongs to measure the specifications of the stylish people."

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

The man sez "critics are a dime a dozen but Snob gives no quarter."

Yer soooo funny, Snobbers. Cheers for cheering me up... You're one of my favourite things.

Oh, and thank you for naked. :)

Frilly Chick said...

We need a "LIKE" button Anon 10:38.

Need to Know said...

Frilly,
When referencing the bike model you said your bike..............."fits"......

Do you not have seat?

JB said...

Need to Know: Who said that the gal-at-the-top-of-the-page's bike has a seat?

Cheezeburger said...

Y U No Like Seat?

Girl at the Top of the Page said...

Grinding on a Thompson 27.2 in nice and all but nothing gets me off quicker than half a finger in my asshole.

3G said...

DISC HARGE

babble on said...

Roibba the Fords is in trouble again, this time for being a drunken lout at a gala event. Apparently he was asked to leave, though of course he will have to deny it till all the evidence is in. As per usual.

Anonymous said...

Riding a Specialized makes you a bicycle. Unless you do it without a hellmint. Then it just make you an idjit.

Bisikleta Manila said...

Just blog hopping, and I found my way here. Will bookmark this page.

darryl from downunda said...

i rode the galibier on bastille day, stopped at the col du lautaret for lunch (some damn tasty rolls) and then continued on to alpe d'huez. was an unforgettable and enjoyable experience.

sucks to be the guy that did it and thinks it's "like hell"

Anonymous said...

I have been walking. It is proto-Fred. I haz comfortable shoes.

Anonymous said...


All Drug Oylmpics!

http://www.hulu.com/#!watch/4090

kurtz said...

I don't get the feeling SeaBase carries that pedal wrench around in his jersey pocket.

sabina moon said...

Excellent blog you’ve got here. It’s difficult to find high-quality writing like yours nowadays. I really appreciate individuals like you! Take care!! You can visit my site.
TLR Carbon Wheels