Thursday, March 14, 2013

Career Advice: A Little Discouragement Can Go A Long Way

You know when you're riding a really cool bike and you know you look great, and then you pass someone equally cool and there's that moment where you exchange almost imperceptible nods, as if to say, "Isn't it great to be a member of Club Awesome?"

Well, that happened to me yesterday in Brooklyn when I passed this guy while riding a folding bike:

Keep in mind I was already buzzing from an earlier moment of profound coolness, during which I was powering over some cobblestones in DUMBO on my diminutive clown bike and bucking ridiculously like a cartoon cowboy.  Just then, as if to underscore the absurdity of the situation, my smartphone began piping a Slayer song into my headphones.  Suddenly I was able to view the scene from the perspective of my 15 year-old self, and  I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry, so instead I just started flicking lit cigarettes at myself.

And yes, sometimes I ride a folding bike helmentless while listening to headphones at a sensible volume, but only because I'm a wild thrill-seeking adrenaline junkie who thrives on laughing in Death's face.  Sure, it's dorkily dangerous, but it's not nearly as dorky or as dangerous of jumping out of a plane in a "wingsuit:"

I'm currently pitching a Hollywood action movie franchise called "Sky Freds" in which a rogue team of Navy SEALs leaps from planes in wingsuits and then unfurls folding bikes like this one:

Yikes.  That is one Fredly foldie.

As dorky as folding bikes are though (and they are dorky, really dorky) I had something of a revelation yesterday as I passed rider after rider on fixiebikes.  (Every year I think the fixies are finally over for good, but every spring they seem to come out of hibernation.  Either that, or people from other places who still ride fixies keep moving here.)  Here was that revelation:

Fixies are way dorkier than folding bikes.

Not only that, but folding bikes do everything fixiebikes are supposed to do, only better.  You know how a fixiebike with its stupid narrow bars is supposed to be some minimalist urban scalpel with which you can carve your way through traffic as you modulate speed with your legs thanks to your zenlike connection to your pawl-less drivetrain?  Yeah, right.  The typical fixiebike rider still wears a poorly-disgused "Oh shit!" expression as his "My Little Pony" bike compels him inexorably through intersections, his feet tied to his pedals and all manner of Kickstarter accessories dangling from his designer utility belt.  Then, when he finally gets to where he's going, he's forced to execute some stupid "hipster high-lock" maneuver:

Until inevitably (and mercifully for the rest of us) it gets stolen, prompting a plaintive plea on Craigslist.

The folding bike on the other hand really is an urban scalpel in that its tiny wheels and odd geometry allow you to easily wend your way through car traffic.  Plus, there's the element of surprise, since at any moment you can fold it down in a matter of seconds.  It's the ultimate two-wheeled assault weapon, like an incredibly dorky pair of nunchucks.

In other news, the sporting press is captivated by Taylor Phinney's Tirreno-Adriatico ride the other day, during which he rode by himself after getting dropped and was subsequently eliminated:

Now, just to be clear, I have no intention whatsoever of impugning Taylor Phinney's character, and I certainly appreciate and respect the emotional context of this ride.  In fact, I think he showed so much character that, instead of congratulating him for his effort, we should consider doing everything possible to convince him to retire from this facacta sport and channel his efforts into something more productive.

Look at it this way: Taylor Phinney may be young, but he's not that young for a professional cyclist.  At 22, people still like to tout him as an up-and-comer, but keep in mind that Peter Sagan is only one year older than Phinney and he already got up and came, winning like twenty stages of the Tour de France last year.  Of course, there's a reason for that, which is that Peter Sagan is on drugs.  He has to be.  In fact, I'll bet even his drugs are on drugs.  Meanwhile, if we're to believe Taylor Phinney, he won't even take caffeine pills.  This is a problem, because basically as an American cyclists he has three options:

1) Start taking drugs like everybody else and enjoy stellar successes until the inevitable disgrace ensues;

2) Remain an up-and-comer until he reaches that age where people can't call you an up-and-comer anymore and instead just avoid making eye contact with you, like what happened with Tom Danielson;

3) Evolve into one of those TT specialists and make up for your lack of results in other areas by growing quirky facial hair in a transpartent attempt to remain relevant, like Dave Zabriskie.

And yes, I realize Taylor Phinney has had some great results on the track, but the road is really all that matters from a career standpoint, since being a really good track racer is like being really good at bridge.  Sure, it takes a lot of talent, but the only people who notice you are old people and nerds.  I've been to a bridge club and I've been to a velodrome, and they're eerily similar.  Road racing on the other hand is more like professional poker: full of sleazebags, but at least it's potentially lucrative.

But while Taylor Phinney is no longer that young for a pro athlete, he's still very young for an actual human being, and considering the character strength he's displaying it just seems wrong to me to encourage him to continue along the professional poker road to ruin when he could instead fulfill his tremendous promise by laying the foundation for an actual career.  Look, I worry about the boy, and I can't be the only one urging Taylor Phinney to at least consider finding something to fall back on--you know, just in case the pro cycling thing doesn't work out, which it hasn't for any American ever.

Hey, it's never too early to cash in your hopes and dreams in exchange for a life of soul-crushing stability, and a dentist makes a very comfortable living, that's all I'm saying.  And you still get to make the biking on the weekends.

Of course, for those of you who don't want to listen to reason and dream of becoming a pro cyclist, you can always follow these "Top 5 Tips To Make It As A Pro Cyclist" from the ORICA GreenEDGE team:

If you're unable to watch for some reason, here's a quick "cheat sheet:"

Tip #5: Have that "fire in the belly."  (Obviously that's street slang for taking drugs.)

Tip #4: Be a team player. (Don't tattle on your teammates for taking drugs.)

Tip #3: Set goals, and don't become complacent when you reach them.  (One way to remain a step ahead of the competition is by taking drugs.)

Tip #2: Work hard, because there are no shortcuts in cycling.  (Wink, there are, they're called "drugs.")

Tip #1: Love cycling, because when you love it, it's easy. (Everything's better on drugs.)

Oh well, there's always dental school.


Frilly Chick said...


le Correcteur said...

Podium; under Frilly Chick!

Jimboner said...

Oh Snap!

McFly said...


Anonymous said...

Typo! transpartent

RANTWICK said...

Bread crumbs!

babble on said...

Yaaaay Frilly!

Anonymous said...!!!&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

herbie said...

I want to be a dentist

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
ant 2nd!
long stem!

S├ębastien Lamarre said...

I have a smallish frame and a long stem AND a TITANIUM ROAD FORK.
How about THAT!

McFly said...

VanDelay Industries is accepting applications.

I hear Kel Varnson in retiring.

le Correcteur said...

After yesterday's snarkfest, this one's a little bland. But it had a couple of moments, such as

 It's the ultimate two-wheeled assault weapon, like an incredibly dorky pair of nunchucks.

I'll bet even his drugs are on drugs.

And short; ran of time fiddling with the folder?

McFly said...


Anonymous said...

i take metronorth everyday, which required me to get a folding bike. so i found a 700c folding bike that i can run fixed! i outdork you.

CommieCanuck said...

The hipster high-lock is the only practical way to keep your ride safe from those thieving Keebler elves. Fuckers steal bikes all night, sell them for weed and get high all day and eat cookies. I'd be so there if it weren't for the height restriction.

rural 14 said...

also -
Folding bikes = BMX bikes for adults...riding around NYC with my crazed florescent folder - much more fredly fun than anything fixed.

Also not only do I am I a decent bridge player depending up the stakes...but Whist! there's a game for ye.

Folders / whist / there's something bad coalescing round here.

RANTWICK said...

If my fixiebike is a dorky fixie and fixies are dorkier than foldies... well damn it all, I suck. Thanks Wildcat. Where's my wingsuit?

BikeSnobNYC said...

le Correcteur,

Backhanded compliments are the best kind. I'm glad you managed to scrounge some enjoyment.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Not Easily Impressed said...

Man, that is one big buttflap on that flying squirrel!

ChamoisJuice said...


RANTWICK said...

All I could find was a wetsuit. AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa... aa... a.

Frilly Chick said...

Snobbie, don't be so humble: "just in case the pro cycling thing doesn't work out, which it hasn't for any American ever."

I giggled outloud.

And the Peter Sagan comparison was beyond smirkworthy.

I love when you do ProTour!

ChamoisJuice said...

BSNYC: Can you do a wheelie on that clown bike? If so, you get the pass.

Riding a bike you can't wheelie= FAIL

One of my favorite things to do is yell "DO A POPPA WHEELIE!" at people riding recumbents and tandems. Well, also pretty girls on normal bikes. Usually gets a smile or a laugh. THIS HAS GOTTEN ME LAID BEFORE, so ima keep doing it.

RANTWICK said...

Now I'm all depressed because I'm dead because I base jumped in a wetsuit.

Time to go visit my phrenologist,

rapha sucks said...

rapha sucks

Roille Figners said...

Yeah I dunno.

rwaiee feenyay

ChamoisJuice said...

This one time, I was taking my little dog for a run on my beach cruiser. I was not pedaling, just letting my 35 lb dog pull me.

We passed a overweight Fred on a slight incline. He was riding some $3000 folding bike, with a rohloff hub, clipless pedals. He was wearing a polka dot King of the Mountain jersey.

mikeweb said...

When will it be revealed who the recumbent trike rider, who obviously comments here regularly, is?

Comment deleted said...

We could have had lovely Babs (or at the very least, an intergalactic space bishop) sitting on the Throne of St. Peter. But instead, we get an old Argentinian dude.

Way to be, RC! Forward into the past!

Anonymous said...

I hear actuaries make bank. Not totally sure what they do though.

crosspalms said...

I'd have been here sooner but I had a fire in the belly.

Hey Frilly, this NYT photo made me think of your profile pic.

Anonymous said...

1) Start taking drugs like everybody else and enjoy stellar successes until the inevitable disgrace ensues;

2) Remain an up-and-comer until he reaches that age where people can't call you an up-and-comer anymore and instead just avoid making eye contact with you, like what happened with Tom Danielson;

3) Evolve into one of those TT specialists and make up for your lack of results in other areas by growing quirky facial hair in a transpartent attempt to remain relevant, like Dave Zabriskie.

For English riders, there's only one option: #3 (except that instead of quirky facial hair, it is skillful use of the word "cunt" to cow your opponents and keep your name in the headlines).

Perry said...

If Taylor Phinney were to become a dentist, he might be the bestest dentist/cyclist in history. He might also be the only dentist in history who actually knows how to maneuver a time trial bike. Many have tried, but one only need Google "triathlon crash" to know the generally dangerous results of mixing cycling and dentists.

Jame Gumb said...

Oh, so ChamoisJuice, that was you?

Sorry about the embarrassment when you found out I wasn't a girl, but thanks for being a good sport anyway.

Taylor "Folder" Phinney said...

If your foldy lasts longer than 4 hours, see a doctor.

hellbelly said...

I am a dentist and I get to ride weekends and weekdays. I had wanted to be a professional musician (really a punk rock star back when no one made a living doing it), but opted to go to dental school instead. Sleeping on floors and getting paid with beers was great, but I like riding my bike more.

Anonymous said...

"...just in case the pro cycling thing doesn't work out, which it hasn't for any American ever."
How ahout Major Taylor?
I know it worked out for him a long time ago but you did say "ever".

Charles Young said...

Glad I settled into the life of soul-crushing stability myself by giong to dental school. And I do get to ride as often as I like, also.

Anonymous said...

I think my dentist was a Cat I at one point. He's truly a beast, and his crowns fit exquisitely.

Anonymous said...

Snobby - I have been telling you for years folders are fun. The small turning radius of the 20" wheels make them the perfect urban warfare bike. They are practical (gears, brakes, can be folded, etc.) and the good ones are a blast to ride. Isn't that what you are all about - that biking shouldn't be so pretenious, just fun. Yes they are dorky but so dorky they are cool.


recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I've been ridin' these streets so long
Singin' the same old song
I know every crack in these dirty bikelanes of Brooklyn
Where hustle's the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There's been a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a cartoon cowboy
Riding out on my foldie in a fred-spangled rodeo
Like a cartoon cowboy
Getting stares and comments from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over email

Well, I really don't mind the rain
And a smile can hide all the pain
But you're down when you're ridin' the train that's takin' the long way
And I dream of the things I'll do
With a subway token and my foldie tucked between my legs
There'll be a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a cartoon cowboy
Riding out on my foldie in a fred-spangled rodeo
Like a cartoon cowboy
Getting stares and comments from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over email

Like a cartoon cowboy
Riding out on my foldie in a fred-spangled rodeo

Like a cartoon cowboy
Gettin' stares and comments from people I don't even know

Roille Figners said...

For some reason my new route home now brings me into frequent contact with Cat-6-racing fixie riders. Actually I think they need their own new Category 7 because it's really unfair to put them in the same category along with grownup bikes with brakes & gears. Especially on this route, which has both an uphill and a downhill. And if that weren't enough to guarantee me Cat6 glory, it ALSO has timed traffic lights, which tends to escape the notice of young dipshits who've been in Portland for like 5 minutes. They pass me, race up to the next light and do a skid; meanwhile I time the light & roll past them all casual & slow; rinse, repeat. Then comes the downhill where they just can't pedal fast enough. CAT 6 GLORY!!!!!!!!

rwaiee feenyay

Anonymous said...

Peter Sagan is my new hero.
He's as goofy as Lance is assholey.

Buffalo Bill said...

Plus, dentists have easy access to drugs!

Frilly Chick said...

That is lovely, Crosspalms. Well you know the set is French, so perhaps whoever designed my dainties used that library as inspiration for BUMP wrapping.

ge said...

That knowing look may work in NYC, but all I get from recumbents is a look of snide derision. It's like they're thinking you may be dorky on your folder, but you can't even fathom the level of dorkitude I'm experiencing right now.

Oh wait, what did I just read? Kickstarter accessories dangling from his designer utility belt??? There are people on Kickstarter actually follow through and produce real products you can hang on your belt? Huh.

ChamoisJuice said...


A BJ is a BJ. You gotta pay extra for that in Thailand. Turns out tits on a bull are pretty sweet.

Flyover bike commuter said...

My little (6'2", 48 year old) brother bought one of those dumb-ass recumbant trikes.

I hear he's admired by all the two-and-three-year-olds in his neighborhood.

chester_cheats said...

What do all the doped 'merican pro cyclists have in common? Thom Wiesel's USACDF.

Why hasn't the doping controversies sweep him and his "fitness consigliere" Steve Johnson in yet?

Those two are another doping scandal all by themselves.

ge said...

Hellbelly, you nailed Tip #5. Missed your calling? More importantly, blow our stereotypes outta the water by telling us you don't ride a Serotta or titanium anything.

Peter Swellinger said...

Nice work Frilly. I always like seeing you on top. Of the box.

Hot Lesbo action?

This is not coming out like I want it to.


Fritz said...

when you put a body on a recumbent
...people start to think it is a vehicle but it is still just recumbent taking up more space

bikesgonewild said...

...props to the frills...those 5 inch heals have her climbing to top of the podio pdq...

...recumbent conspiracy know i'm a glen cambell fan...

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...nice visual cross reference...

...& remember, kids..."...reality is for people who can't handle drugs..."...

crosspalms said...

Frilly, when I become a minimalist, my 420-square-foot apartment is going to look just like that library. Bit smaller, maybe, and of course only 10 percent of the books.

Anonymous said...

what kind of foldy did you get wildcat? We need pictures, both open and folded.

Frilly Chick said...

Merci bgw! Not much of a step up to the podio when you're rocking the big guns!

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
paulb said...

I have a folder too that I use for commuting and whatever and ok, it and I are kind of dorky, but I know supposedly non-dorky peoples where I work and all around and I don't see there's anything intrinsically great in them not being dorks. In fact, they'll even talk to me. I get the job done. What else counts?

And pointing out that the folder is dorky yet practical (is that combination possible?) in traffic makes me forgive WCRM's reluctance to initiate an endless debate about folders in the comments, which I might find informative, but which also might end in someone calling someone else Hitler or a Nazi, by revealing its type.

crosspalms said...

You know who else rode a folder?

bikesgonewild said...

...if the new pope francis rode a bike regularly, it'd prob'ly be a folder...

...humble, roots type dude...rides the bus - even when it's not raining...

mikeweb said...

Late props to Frilly chick on her top step today!

CommieCanuck said...

"Not much of a step up to the podio when you're rocking the big guns!"

And since you are are from the United America, when you mean big guns, you mean Smith and Wesson.

JB said...

Left cheek: Smith
Right cheek: Wesson
And aim right down the middle.

Congrats Frills!

CommieCanuck said...

Small wheels + curbs = nirvana.
People with 29ers are compensating. My Foldie is rocking 20" and I could go smaller..ifyaknowhatamean...

CommieCanuck said...

You know who else rode a folder?

JESUS. So shut up, people. It's in St. Eddy's address to the Campagnolians, look it up in the good book, the 1971 Campy Super record service manual, praise Lob.

bikesgonewild said...

...guys...jokes aside for a moment...

...if you care about our on-line compatriot babble on, then just send a prayer or a little love in her direction as one of her dearest & closest friends is in a serious physical condition at the moment...

...just keep it 'chill', no need to ask questions, no need to know answers & i wouldn't even use social media other than to post here so as not to distract her but at times, when people extend heartfelt love, it just gives a boost to the system...

...right now, i'm betting babble could likely use a boost to stay as strong as we know her to be, so she can be there for her friend...

...that's all i'm sayin'...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The podio always looks best with Frilly's frills on it.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice, my last comment was #69

CommieCanuck said...

The BEST part about riding a foldie is not the people looking at you like you're the special kid in the neighbourhood, it's those long series of questions and conversation from people who think the bike is cool, but would never actually ride one because it looks gay.
...and the "hey, yer bike is bent" joke, that never gets old, even after like 50 times, I could just hear that over and over.

ge said...

paulb said I don't see there's anything intrinsically great in them not being dorks. - most awesome dork mantra yet. Seemed a little early to invoke Godwin's Law, but crosspalms comeback had me ROFLing.

16" upright

Euro Spondee said...

Can we call them foldies? Folders just makes me think of Windows PCs...

CC "St. Eddy's address to the Campagnolians" is the line of the day so far

"siztones" - good name for a ska band.

crosspalms said...

euro spondee,
Maybe in honor of the Campagnolians we should call them foldini.

Kilpatrick said...

Sure, nice post but I didn't see anything about an invisible bicycle...

Flyover bike commuter said...

I guess it takes panache to ride a foldy or a recumbant in public.

Anybody ever seen a picture of Merckx on either?

paulb said...

CommieCanuck, Why should I shut up? It may not be a free country, but it's an open comments section.

Cross palms, you mean public figures who ride a folder(ie)? I know one of the local tv news guys commutes on a Brompton. He lost a ton of weight, too, though that was diet.

Hang in there, babble on, whatever the problem may be.

paulb said...

Crosspalms, "foldini" is great, but only amongst us.

crosspalms said...

That was the invisible part.

Welcome to the fold said...

... or as my friend likes to call it: the foldo bike

Presto Foldo!

Frilly Chick said...

Thanks MikeWeb and rct!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, Cycling worked out for Lance; he apparently got rich cheating just like many other American business men (and women). After all doesn't the end justify the means, ESPECIALLY in American business. Maybe bike fans should consider having an "occupy France" as a way to clean up "The Tour." Wait, they call that being an "expat." Nice work today, thanks.

Vegas said...

Yay! Frilly's cheeks on the top step!

Hey Snob, so the pirate recumbo-trike didn't swing to port and fire upon you in an attempt to board your foldie and steal your booty?

Oh, and does anyone else think that "pass" should only be used for bykcicles traveling in the same direction, and "encounter" or somesuch for those traveling in opposite ones?

Peter Sagan's Lawyer said...

Mr Rock Machine,

Your comments are defamatory, and I would advise my client to sue you except it is abundantly clear that you have no assets of any worth (at least until they allow us to take your 17 children for punitive damages).

Please consider yourself chastised.

Best Regards

babble on said...

Yeah, you've gotta love those sweet cheeks.

Cheers, BGW and Paul... xx

Anonymous said...

WCRM, Now that you have the folding bike, is there any possible riding scenario that you do not have covered? road, mountain, cross, city, travel, hauling. Is there a bigger Fred than you? I mean that in a good way.

Lumpen fredetariat said...

There is always the unicycle...

James Everhart said...

I'm totally stoked about March 30th, for the Rails to Trails Opening Day. We've got a few near us here in sunny Orlando that we're going to hit. Have you had a chance to try some of them out? (the ones in the Rails to Trails program)

Marcel Da Chump said...

Solo Phinnish.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, "Freds" must not think Electra Townies are cool because, when they pass me, I get nary a nod, always a scowl.

Anonymous said...

I think my 29" unicycle is far more practical than a folding bike. It is also better than a fixie; direct drive.

Try going backwards on your folding bike.

msupwsi 237

DDS also said...

Do tell Hellbelly what do you ride?

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Wingsuit Guy isn't wearing a helment

Anonymous said...

I wonder if any of the people taking spinning classes are doping to improve their proformance? Seriously.

Anonymous said...

"But Phinney remembered a story his Dad had told him about one of his old Tour de France teams, making a pact to decline pushes."

Don't need pushes when you have a PUSHER! DRUGS!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree more regarding folders. I purchased one last year which was going to be only when I needed to take the train into the city. As an owner of three "regular" bicycles (and 4 cars) adding a fourth bicycle seemed a bit ridiculous, but I figured it would pay for itself in parking (eventually). Fast forward a year and 2200 miles later and I have done 80% of my cycling for the past twelve months on the Brompton. Brilliant piece of kit, can't imagine how I lived without it. Ended up selling two cars because of it (kept the Honda and the convertible sports car) And no, I am not going all minimalist, I just love things which are greater than the sum of their parts.

leroy said...

My dog disagrees with your advice to young Mr. Phinney. He says dentists are sad people, always looking down in the mouth.

I didn't get it and my dog won't explain it.

Kind of like the time I thought I was teaching "shake hands" and he kept saying "pull my finger."

leroy said...

Been stuck in south Florida for two weeks. Any bsnyc readers down here?

I swear it looks like Long Island with palm trees.

Does anyone know if you're supposed to ride on the sidewalk down here?

I just don't get the local customs.

Anonymous said...

Awesome -- best pro cycling essay evah!! Looking forward to a great drug fueled pro cycling season!!

Anonymous said...

101st !!
Awesome post Snob, THANKS!

Anonymous said...

Oi, how dare you pick on OricaGreenedge!

Signed: Aussie fixie dude (yeah, you picked on fixies too)

hellbelly said...

DDS and Ge...I do not ride a Serotta nor anything titanium. No Crabon either. I have a superstition in that I only ride/purchase bikes whose company name begins with the letter "S". Thus in my stable I have a Surly Instigator, a Santa Cruz Butcher, a Specialized Tricross and a Swobo Del Norte. The only exception is a '78 Laguna cruiser , but it was a gift.

Bender said...

Anon 8:56,

They pretty much scowl at anyone who doesn't look just like themselves. Even some other Freds get glared at for having the wrong color clown suit on, or simply a lapse in pretend peloton behavior. It's pretty brutal in the imaginary hero world. They are all deeply committed, you know.


1100 Redbases

I kid you not. That's enough to set some paranoia in motion, right there.

crosspalms said...

Look who else was in Brooklyn yesterday. You got out just in time.

Ileana Ghosh said...


This is a really good read for me, Must admit that you are one of the best bloggers I ever saw. Thanks…

Jungle Island Tour

Monkeysalad said...

Hey that's me with the pirate flag - sad news: the "batmobile" (a.k.a. Lola) died in a collision with a pole (I was distracted by a woman,...). That trike was loved and will be sorely missed. - Jason Dubin

Shirin said...

An interesting article indeed!

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