Friday, March 22, 2013

BSNYC Friday Popular Keyword Search Terms Nipple Nipple Nipple!

Firstly, as I mentioned on Monday, I have a new book coming out in May, and it looks like this:

(Your copy won't have a circle that says "new" though.)

There's also the incredible promotional video, in which I act amazingly, and which features a sexy cameo from this guy.

Anyway, the reason I mention this again is that: 1) I'm a whore; and 2) In the right-hand margin of this blog I've added some book links.  The first one takes you to my publisher's website, where you'll be able to find information about Book-Related Events (BRAs) and so forth as they're scheduled. The others take you straight to a pair of popular Internet booksellers from whom you can buy the books in paper or electronic form--though of course you can buy them from anybody you want, or you can check them out of the library, or you can borrow them from your friend's bathroom, or you can not buy them at all.

That's what you call a "soft sell"--or maybe it's more accurate to call it a "passive-agressive sell."  Either way, don't forget to put food on the Hopper's table.

Moving on, commuter cycling in New York City has remained flat in 2012:


Which isn't surprising, because there aren't any hills here.


Actually, that's not true.  There are plenty of hills where I live, but I don't live in one of the "key locations" where they count the bike dorks:


The key-est commuter cycling location is apparently the Hudson River Greenway at 50th St. in Manhattan, which saw an average of 5,273 weekday cyclists in 2012.  However, I'd challenge that, since that number is probably heavily weighted with unemployed and/or rich Freds who are able to ride during the week and are heading over the George Washington Bridge to train for riding around in circles in Central Park.  For a more accurate number, they shouldn't count any cyclist riding crabon wheels.

The second key-est commuter cycling location according to the report is the Williamsburg Bridge, with an average 4,488 riders per weekday, though arguably that number is equally skewed, since at least 70% of those riders are "undocumented hipsters," i.e. transplants who are still legal residents of other states and who will undoubtedly move back to where they came from when their hopes and dreams crash and burn.  (Though some of them will succeed fabulously, make tons of money, buy $3 million Brooklyn brownstones, have kids, and forsake their bicycles for Subarus.)  For a more accurate Williamsburg Bridge number they need to count only people with New York State driver's licenses, because you haven't really committed to a city until you've been to the DMV.  Until then, you're just a tourist.

In fact, I'd guess the only number that actually means anything is the paltry 250 people a day taking the Staten Island Ferry with their bikes, because riding a bike on Staten Island is like ordering the vegetable plate at a steakhouse--clearly if you're doing it then you're dedicated to your lifestyle.

I did like the deliberately provocative Dutch-style cover page on the report, though:


That should send the helment Nanzis into paroxysms.

Also, the New York Times article does raise an interesting point:


“The fabulous increase in cycling in the past half-dozen years has leveled off,” said Charles Komanoff, a transportation economist and longtime cycling advocate. “To some extent, the D.O.T. has done or is doing everything it can do.”

Expanding cycling, he said, was now largely incumbent on the Police Department, which has faced persistent criticism from advocates over its inconsistent enforcement of traffic laws.

In other words, we're totally fucked.

And now, I'm please to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll be SO EXCITED YOU'LL HIT THE CAPS LOCK AND FORGET TO TURN IT OFF AGAIN, and if you're wrong YOU'LL GET SO MAD YOU'LL HIT THE CAPS LOCK AND FORGET TO TURN IT OFF AGAIN and also see a Canadian with a big-ass chainring, forwarded by a reader.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may you delight on the oddly appealing scent of your own foot odor.


--Wildcat Rock Machine




(Maybe they should have fitted him for a toothbrush.)

1) Eddy Merckx has been fitted with a:

--Titanium hip
--Crabon knee joint
--Pacemaker
--Pair of translucent Lululemon yoga pants







("Eddy hungry.")

2) Moments after this photo was taken, and to the immense delight of all assembled, Eddy "The Cannibal" Merckx lived up to his nickname by killing and eating soporific race promoter John Eustice.

--True
--False






3) What is this?







("Nice pants.  Are they Lululemon?")

4) Lululemon will recall its see-through yoga pants and retrofit them with a nonplussed David Byrne iron-on, free of charge.

--True






(Sky rider tests Rapha's new ultra-viscous chamois creme, via Klaus of Cycling Inquisition)

5) For the ultimate in weight savings:

--Ride an invisible bike







6) Via a reader, New Jersey will soon be the first state to enact a mandatory bicycle helment law for dogs.

--True
--False





(Incredibly, this is not David Byrne.)

7) According to this man, the key to on-the-bike comfort is:

--A longer stem
--A shorter stem
--Riding barefoot
--Yoga



***Special Obvious Metaphor-Themed Inspirational Bonus Video!***



(Putting air in your tires also helps.  Lob helps those who pump themselves.)

114 comments:

Anonymous said...

1 st? Wow

Anonymous said...

POOO OODM

DB said...

More dirndls, please.
Polio!

DB said...

Err, iPhone is trying to spell for me.
That'd be Podio.

McFly said...

YOGA PANT

Robert Carr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles said...

Read it, and top ten

Robert Carr said...

Top 10, finally!

ChamoisJuice said...

off the back

Anonymous said...

fix fix fix lululemon whoopie folding fixie

Spartacus said...

Suck it.

mikeweb said...

Does it make me a bad person if I was hoping to see the 140 km/hr Canadian roller dude fall off the rollers at 140 km/hr?

I did appreciate the close-up shot of the cow bell though.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Oh cheeky, cheeky.

babble on said...

FRRRRRRRIDAY!! Nipples nipples everywhere... :)

dnk said...

Re: BSNY's comment re: Charles Komanoff's comment re: inconsistent police enforcement of traffic laws: "We are so fucked".

Yep.

Anonymous said...

4) ACCESS DENIED

no hotlinking allowed.....

apt.




Adataboa 4103

Polio Dirndl said...

DB 12:41 -- thanks for clarifying.

and, yes, MOREDIRNDLSORIMAFUCKINKILLYOU



rytpun 8670

dnk said...

The "Preacher in Blue Jeans" video: is that guy really out of breath? He needs more than air in his tires...

babble on said...

It makes me happy that you groove on "Deliberately Provocative," snobberly one... that's the babble zone.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

PARO XYSM
CANN IBAL
FLAT TIRE

Obnoxious NewYorker said...

HA! "Canadian speed record" now THAT's funny.

crosspalms said...

It's OK to salmon if you're a preacher.

dnk said...

okay, I'm obsessing, but that preacher on a bike guy is making sense to me:

"The only way you can go places...is one stroke at a time..." on a bike... as in life.

I want that guy's job.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Well, now I'm fucked. Turns out I have to go in and get a pacemaker installed.

Careful what screen name you pick to post under.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, I am glad to hear that after all these years, you are rediscovering your figure skating roots.

3G said...

This has been an exceptionally great week for the internet.

CommieCanuck said...

In Canada, that chainring is considered the granny gear. We like to ride our bikes with an optimal cadence of 2 rpm. Anything more is just pretentious.

Anonymous said...

Give a man a salmon...

Teach a man to salmon...

SNOW RULZ

The King of Park Slope said...

Muttly!

CommieCanuck said...

According to Lululemon, the transparent pants fiasco is going to cost them $60 million dollars, unless one of two things happen:
Brazilians adopt transparent yoga pants as haute couture; or people start using the "Eat a Beaver, Save a tree" environmental advocacy iron-on Lululemon mailed out to all customers on Wednesday.

Comment deleted said...

Sorry I'm late, folks. I was having a recreational root canal.

Pardon the drool.

McFly said...

Preacher man says the The End is stat,

And my rear Continental she's a goin' flat........

Fred Gasm said...

There's a moment in this video that really has money shot written all over it.

Anonymous said...

@Bike Snob
Are you come to Screwston/ Houston to sign books, babies, and boobs?
Butts?

))<<>>((

David Behroozi said...

Watch out for wayward loaves of bread if you are attempting a peel a banana at speed ride http://mobile.nytimes.com/article?a=1040669

JB said...

Mini-Schnauzer!!

Fred Nifacent said...

Preacher boy? Its difficult to take advice from someone that has not gone through puberty yet...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well I screwed up when I bought the first Bikesnob book because I got the Kindle version. I purchased the second one in hardback old school paper. I guess I'll just go ahead and order a paper version of the first one if I can when I order the this latest book.

Now if I get lucky and Snob's not just pulling our leg about coming to Cleveland I can get all three signed by the author. And then happy day when I get those puppies on ebay I'll make enough for that inner-grated crabon bar-stem combo I been wanting so bad.

McFly said...

C'mon RCT we know you are just going to work him over with your "Recumbent Soft-Sell" routine.

I hope he falls for it.

And then falls off it.

Your post on soft-tail sell-out has got me torn. I am in the market and was going hard but I will be 40 this year and 2 1/2" of stroke is lookin good. Infer what you will.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice thing is for a guy like wildcat is when you do fall riding your recumbent your much closer to the ground. I never tear my shorts or anything.

Anonymous said...

Is Paolo a genuine priest?! He doesn't have a Roman collar, or a fancy hat, or any other neat accouterments of the priesthood. He pedals his bike about as well as I do, and I'm not a priest.

Paul Bowen said...

In the words of the preacher I am, for a Friday evening, drinking too less. Also the wee dog's backtrack has reminded me that it's too long since i had any decent e. I'm going where my needs can be met, have a nice weekend everyone, thanks for another week of great posts RTMS.

crosspalms said...

I saw a boy preacher riding a bike with a salmon in his hand.

And his hair was perfect.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...i do cast a dashing 'figure' whilst ice skating but i'm an old hockey guy & even now, still skate like one...

...big, wide, side to side strides...you carve corners, you power through with fast crossovers...knees bent, hips centered & shoulders square to the ice at all times...

...even after 20 years, (& my advanced dotage...bwahahahaha...) a couple hours at the rink & the basic concept came flooding back...the rest is simply working at it...

...i'm back into it for the fun, the exercise as well as the camaraderie & as an ex-pat canuck who's spent the majority of his life in nor-cal, the canadian government requires i keep up my skating chops or i'm not allowed to mention the great white north...

...so, i'm just sayin'...

Mark said...

Mom sporting the ultra-hipster suede 80s boots...awesome!

Anonymous said...


catcowcatcowcatcowcatcowcatcow......


aBRoAd?


MAGgoT

1090 mamagov

bikesgonewild said...

...mom might have two kids but that bike riding has assured her of some shapely gams, ya ???...

...healthy lifestyle...

...like our girl babble on...

...derallov7869...russian shifting mechanism ???...

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...tsk, tsk & not because you were maybe hoping for a 140kph crash n'burn but you forgot the cardinal roller rule...

...doesn't matter how big your chainring is or how fast & furious you can make it go round...

...come off the rollers & with that rear wheel being light, it just stops & you simply fall over...

...nothing dramatic like shooting across the room or through walls, one simply falls over...

Lumpen fredetariat said...

Did everyone go away for the weekend? It's like the Twilight Zone here - no Babble, no Frilly, bgw up before lunhtime...
And still no-one started gently ribbing the Snob on the publisher's blurbs:

Want to interview Bike Snob NYC? Contact:
April Whitney, Publicist
April_Whitney@chroniclebooks.com

Someone must want to I suppose. Here's your chance.

For Bike Snob marketing opportunities contact:
Albee Dalbotten, Associate Marketing Director
Albee_Dalbotten@chroniclebooks.com

Sounds suspiciously like selling out (even more), more linkways and gratuitous plugs coming. But then I'm an old cynic like that...

And finally, the empty space underneath BIKE SNOB HITS THE ROAD! (caps are theirs).
And we all know that he just did the other day...




recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yeah I was gonna download the HI-RES AUTHOR PHOTO but I wasn't sure what I'd do with it. I guess I could put it down in the basement to scare the spiders.

Dooth said...

I took dear babble's advice and had a couple of vodka martinis for lunch...Wildcat's book is entitled Bike Snob's A Broad?

JB said...

It also calls him a frequent racer, or some such, which he's admitted is no longer the case...

bikesgonewild said...

...if i can't buy a copy of bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's new book without the little round "new" sticker, how will i be able to tell which is which from the other two books ???...

...now, that's a real world 'quiz question', not this brain taxing, friday, get me all confused stuff...

Anonymous said...

Snob, I'm feeling the love today, all metaphors and Lobs aside. May you and everyone else find happiness and bike joy all the days of your lives. Shalom.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, I prefer the figure skating gig because you can pick up your partner like a six-pack during those lifts. Try that with some ornery hockey player and see how many more teeth you lose.

crosspalms said...

bgw,
The books are carefully color-coded. The new one has the newest color, so new you won't be seeing it on trendy T-shirts till June or so.

oiderisk, either tall things that hold up alien temples, or something old Jewish guys say to each other about investing.

Anonymous said...

You can use some HTML tags, such as b, i, a,

Please prove you're not a robot

305 usateo

Type the two words:

I am not a robot. I am the unofficial Canadian record holder for most useless blog comments.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, dirndl is TOTALLY a word. Thanks iPhone!

crosspalms said...

After all the bass player jokes a few weeks ago, thought you guys would enjoy this.

Anonymous said...

Who was talking smack aboot Canadians not being fast?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Whittingham

Anonymous said...

Admittedly, I was a bit slow to respond...

Comment deleted said...

My son showed me that, crosspalms. Very funny.

Hey, you know what a stripper does to her asshole before going to work?

She drops him off at his gig.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...i couldn't lift anything heavier than a six-pack over my head anyway but once i get my skating legs back under me, this nasty ol' hockey guy knows how to link arms with some cute little lady figure skater & coordinate the side by side, hip to hip, motion & flow...

...i didn't play hockey ALL the time growing up...

...just sayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...fuck...with three books, you'd think bsnyc/rtms/wcrm would publish a color-coded bookmark to help his readers figure this stuff out, ya ???...

crosspalms said...

bgw,
I think his ambition for cover colors is to work through a box of Crayolas, one of those big ones.

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...wow...that could be a lotta backup toilet pap.........ahhh, reading material..

Sooper Clean Cross Bike said...

Did he say Lob-sided??

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Hey Lumpen Fred! Cheers, it's nice to be missed! Just working at work for a change...

Last night my friend had an exhibit opening, so I went out instead of babblelogging, but I'll write later on tonight, glass of wine in hand...

Keep the rubber side down!

Anonymous said...

Want to unflatten ridership. "Studies in Vancouver show separated bike lanes are a game changer-increasing the number of cyclists by 200% or more. The average percentage of women to men increased from 28% to 38% (20% increases in NYC) and the number of children tripled." I think what they are saying that women prefer to keep themselves and their children as far away from cars as they can when riding a bike. The little parenthesis things indicate that I got this information from the Velo-City global 2012 Vancouver-International Cycling Conference as presented by Cycling Utah newspaper. My apologies for being so verbose, but way to go Ms. babble on. Transparent government or not, your city is trying hard to be the best bicycling city in world.

Roille Figners said...

Forgot to mention, Hopper (that's what we call him around here) is actually more connected in Hollywood than Kevin Bacon. But "6 degrees of Dennis Hopper" sounds less like a fun game and more like a Halloween haunted house theme.

Enjoy the weekend, yous.

rwaiee feenyay

Anonymous said...

eyo snob- i thought you were a little bit punk? why do you care so much about the fat cat insurance companies robbing all the poor nyc saps that cant figure out how to save a little something every month on their auto insurance? you been talking about it a lot lately. are you growing up even more and making investments with all that big time book $$$?

M. Cipollini said...

Lob helps those who pump others too. Come join me for a free workout and on-the-bike fitting. I'm gonna pump you up!

Grump said...

Snobby, Paolo needs to raise his saddle 7mm.

Oh yeah, .....and his stem is too long.
.
.
.

Lumpen fredetariat said...

C'mon Babble, don't be so modest, you are always missed if you are not around to fuel us with innuendo. But really, "Just working at work for a change..." WTF?

Dooth said...

...after Merckx digested Eustice, the turds he shat stunk-up parts of Belgium and France for days.

babble on said...

er...most days I can do what needs done and still hang and chat with you guys. Some days I have to put my head down and work. Fer real.

leroy said...

Ride safe all!

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frilly Chick said...

For God's sake, somebody needs to explain the difference between tights and leggings to that poor woman. Seriously, where the F are her friends?

Sorry to hear the diagnosis DB. Ha!

Frilly Chick said...

Hey Lumpen! Late to the party, as usual; I get distracted easily.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

I think the worst thing about the promotional video for the new book is how Snob is not wearing any clothes and...

What? What do you mean he is wearing clothes?

Oh... yeah OK. OK I see it now. Sorry, my mistake. Lululemon must have supplied The Snob's New Clothes.

But, we can all agree that the video sucked can't we?

No? It didn't suck? Oh, OK.

Well, I suppose the video did convince me to buy not just the new book, but the whole Lord of the Granny Rings Trilogy - the poor fucker needs all the support he can get. But it is a hard one, at the end of the day the 13 kids and the monkey might still go without, while Snob spends the royalties on precious, precious granny rings and custom 210mm stems. SLOW & AERO, that's what the ink says, but he'll never be a Lone Wolf.

I guess I can at least have a flick through the books to satisfy morbid curiosity... "so there's that"... but it will still mostly be a sympathy flick.

Dick Button said...

BGW @ 554: I'm guessing that Babble knows how to skate if you're looking for a partner to lift.

Anonymous said...

It's funny--you don't look like an idiot, and most of the time you don't sound like one. Yet when it comes to helmets, you say the most idiotic things. I just hope no one dies as a result of your encouragement of no-helmet riding. I know, we all make our own decisions, and it won't be your fault if some idiot gets himself killed because he/she was stupid enough to go along with the "Helmets? Who needs 'em?" attitude you express. But you could refrain from actively encouraging no-helmet riding. I mean, it's not your job or mine to talk every suicide down from the ledge, but we don't have to stand on the sidewalk and chant "Jump! Jump!" either.

leroy said...

Crosspalms-- loved the bass player ad.

leroy said...

I haven't been posting much because I've been out of town on a family emergency. So imagine my relief when I learned that NJ isn't going to make dogs wear helmets when riding.

Not that my dog would deign to be seen on 9W without a full kit and matching helmet. I'm more worried about him lifting his leg in Jersey where he shouldn't .

Anonymous said...

WCRM,

I'm looking for a new crabon fork, does your ENVE crabon Frok accept puffy tires like I want? My old Easton doesnt accept any thing puffy...POS.

RUCK SACK

DB said...

The next Bikesnobnyc book cover may be the color Burnt Siena.

DB said...

Or, thistle, cadet blue, brick red, burnt orange, raw umber,Prussian blue, and my two favorites, flesh and salmon.

DB said...

Dang!
We're supposed to get another 2-4 inches of snow tomorrow.
This is getting old.

DB said...

Last comment for today,
The next car you buy will drive itself, so biking may be safer in NYC soon.

babble on said...

pant pant...

two weeks running, and this is getting stale, but again... better late than never, right?

I'm with you, snobber doodle doo: Lob helps those who pump themselves.

jno62 said...

Hey Snob,

I never learned to read or write.

Could you think about putting all your books into "Audio Book" format?

I'd pay for that. I like being read to.

You could read them yourself. But only if your funny.

Thanks!

- A Big Fan

Comment deleted said...

Nice piece, Babs. I'm sad to hear that the Vancouver media is playing the same goading game employed so masterfully by the Daily News and other low-lifes.

Anonymous said...

I totally thought that guy in the vid screenshot was a chick. Perhaps androgynous preaching is the next big thing.

babble on said...

DB - nice palate of colours... want a job in the design industry?

CD- I know, right? And we all know that propaganda is the nose-ring by which the sheeple are led. Where the media goes, so public opinion follows.

Still. There is nothing as powerful as an idea whose time has come, right? (fuller) Let's stir the pot.

babble on said...

... and thank you!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

babble on said...

Emergencies are never any fun at all. I sure hope all is well for you, Leroy, Dog, et al.
Peace and blessings. xo

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Thx Babs. I found Selene Yeager's recent article in Bicycling helpful and was reminded how much I rely on riding to keep me relatively sane (talking dogs notwithstanding). Hope I got the link below right.

Selene Yeager

bikesgonewild said...

...hang in, leroy...you're cared about by people you've never met...as well as that recalcitrant beast you call a dog...

leroy said...

Thx BGW.

Anonymous said...

Those yoga pants sure could use a Vaginal Access Port complimented by a pair of Side-Shift panties for some easy-pleasy rear-entry teasy. Is that pant material ideal for wiping your cock off?

DOGY STYL

★★PRINCE CHARMING™★★ said...

Nice one! In anticipation to get it.

Anonymous said...

The Winter Cycling Capital of the World -
http://www.eltis.org/index.php?ID1=7&id=61&video_id=128

Vanvlietbikes said...

Great, good luck with your book it looks primosing

P. Bateman said...

i'm working too less.

Anonymous said...

Besides the helmet, at first glance the Cycling in the City report's cover looked like it said:

"An Update on NYC Cycling Cunts"

Everbody said...

http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=STW-LOBSTERMAS-CARDS&Category_Code=ALL

kerry loyds said...

Atlanta House for rent Got Our Home will qualify you and determine the likelihood of you getting a mortgage loan down the road and provides quality house rentals for tenants that want to own their own home.

spring songs for kids said...

spring songs for kids

As long as there will be kids in the world, there will be somebody trying to make kid-friendly editions of the things grown ups adore. Songs are no exception. In fact, an whole franchise's, Kidz Bop, has been created around the idea that kids like Jason derulo songs far better when his capable vocals are substituted by the wailing of a room ful of teens.



And maybe they're correct. The spring songs for kids
operation has been in business since 2000, publishing over 20 albums of your beloved songs held down and smacked in the face by a bunch of god darn kids. Nine of the first 10 gone gold in the U.S.

Here's the thing, though; occasionally no amount of censorship and lyric alterations can mask the fact that the song in question is clearly meant for an adult audience exclusively.

OK, right off the bat, fantastic job taking care of the "tongue" business. "Hands" is indeed less inflamed than "tongue." Regrettably, the rest of the Kidz Bop edition sounds d
irtier to me. "Kiss till we're intoxicated" is absolute gibberish. By comparison, "dance till we're completed" sounds more like sex-related innuendo compared to anything else. There is actually no other time you can boogie until. You can't dance until finally after you're done. You can dance till you're dead, but aren't you also done at that position? This line makes no sense if it's not really a metaphor of some sort. It's fairly clear that these kids are singing about getting an climax. Adam Levine wasn't almost that presumptuous so earlier in his version of the song.

They don't even get by with the chorus just before they make an additional change for the verse.
kid friendly songs