Friday, March 29, 2013

BSNYC Friday Mystery Sound That May Or May Not Be Coming From Your Bottom Bracket!

Further to yesterday's post, I wish to address some comments:

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Snob,

Does stringing together some words about a certain subject, and getting someone to publish it make that person an author?

Freds are not athletes and you are no author. Would you agree?

Absolutely, I agree 100%.  I'm not an author.  I'm a Book Fred.

Also, the same commenter had a request:

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

I miss Vito your helper monkey.. I searched your blog and the last reference to him was like back in 2009, but that doesn't sound right...

Anyway, More Vito Please.. yes, that's what I need.

Sorry, can't help you there.  My helper monkey Vito died.  I'm actually pretty sad about it, but it was his time.  He died peacefully and painlessly in a horribly gruesome base jumping accident.  (Success went to his head and he got pretty heavily into drugs and adrenaline sports.)  His helment did not save him.


He did look great in his wingsuit though.  He used to wear it to bars.

Lastly, another commenter took the time to read the post and scroll through over a hundred comments only to leave this one:

Anonymous said...

The variety lacking nasty sarcastic negativity of this blog is just tiring.

March 28, 2013 at 11:26 PM

Oh, shut up.  "Sarcastic negativity" my ass.  Go read some shit about cats.

On a more positive note, yesterday I went here:


The Highbridge Project from yoni arava on Vimeo.

I'd only ridden in Highbridge once before, when the trails had just opened, but I hadn't returned because it was pretty far from where I lived in Brooklyn and in the same amount of travel time or less I could reach far more exotic riding spots.  (And by "exotic riding spots" I obviously mean Long Island, the world's premiere locale for singletrack that's convenient to bagel stores.)

Now, though, Highbridge is only about a 15-minute ride from my estate.  Furthermore, all the bagel stores were closed for Pay-suck leaving me with nothing to do, so yesterday I figured it was about time I knocked around in there a little bit:


Sure, it's not exactly [insert your culturally vapid region that has incredible off-road riding here], but does your mountain bike trail have a subway station?


I didn't think so.

Then again, it probably isn't filled with dirty underpants, drug paraphernalia, and and carcasses of squirrels that have died under suspicious circumstances either.

Nevertheless, I'd argue that the novelty of riding on legal mountain bike trails in Manhattan cancels out the moderate gross-out factor, and if you were arriving via subway, which I wasn't because I already live nearby, you'd see this:


And then you could scamper off into this:


And if you're really lucky, maybe you'll find a Suitcase of Courage like I did:


Though needless to say I didn't open it, because I was afraid it might actually be a Suitcase of Body Parts.

Fortunately, I had brought some courage along with me, but I got a little too courageous and then this happened:


While the bike fell down I actually stayed up, which is one of the more fortunate side-effects of falling into a tree.  Sure, it hurts just as much as hitting the ground, but you don't have to actually make contact with the ground, which in Highbridge is a good way to contract a disease.

Finally, I left the park, and only then did I notice this sign:


The mountain bike trail is what due to numerous dangerous tree conditions?  I assume they mean "closed," but then again maybe they meant this:


Because really, what's more awesome than danger?



Oh, also, before leaving I totally "got rad" on the dirt jumps:


You can see the GoPro footage here.

Of course, when you ride in a place like Highbridge, it's always a good idea to wash the questionable substances off your bike:


And if you think I'm trying to compensate for something with my long stems, think again, because let's just say that's not a hose I'm using to clean the bike.

Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll be right, and if you're wrong you'll see Fabian Cancellara's Classics bike.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if you're going to fall be sure to hit a tree.


--Wildcat Rock Machine




("Cobbles.")

1) There's no surer sign of spring than renewed attempts to sell the sport of pro cycling to the masses.  Which is always the big selling point of the Classics?

--"There's cobbles."
--"They ride bikes over cobbles."
--"Did we mention there are cobbles?"
--All of the above






(Religious convictions and safety laws are not always readily compatible when it comes to headgear.)

2) In Brisbane, Australia, turbans may now be worn in lieu of helments.

--True
--False






3) According to professional amateur fixie rider Seabiscuit, on his recreational bike ride through some of the most beautiful scenery in the world he will:

--"Crawl through several layers of hell"
--"Skid through several layers of tire"
--"Wear through several layers of pants"
--"Peel back his steely facade to reveal several layers of douchery"






(Is this the new Rapha pop-up café?)

4) The politically correct term for a Fred is:

--"Physically Active Bicycle Consumer" (PABC)
--"Frederick"
--"Differently-Abled Road Bike Enthusiast" (DARBE)
--"Fredlete"






5) Finally set to debut this spring, the New York City bike share program will only be available in neighborhoods where residential real estate costs over $1,000 per square foot.

--True
--False






("Did somebody say bamboo?")

6) What is a "Bamboobee?"

--Yet another bamboo bicycle on Kickstarter
--An organic breast implant made entirely from bamboo
--An ironic world championship race for bamboo singlespeeds only
--A derogatory term for an Australian, similar to "didgeridouche"






(Is he buying a saddle or getting his prostate checked?)

7) Via a reader, this is apparently how Freds are choosing saddles now.

--True
--False


***Special "Looks Like Torture For Both You And The Dog"-Themed Bonus Video***


Just walk the damn dog and then go for your bike ride.

111 comments:

Anonymous said...

So tempted to say "#1" here but I won't.

Kenny Banya said...

Close

Cipo said...

eating pussy

BagelSnob said...

"...Long Island, the world's premiere locale for singletrack that's convenient to bagel stores."

Keep the Jericho Turnpike on your right, Snob.

Anonymous said...

DEAD VITO

Anonymous said...

Top 10

Go Fred!

Anonymous said...

I don't need these pants.

Anonymous said...

Why am I at work wearing pants?
HALP!!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties are not panties.

Anonymous said...

Garbage barging!

Anonymous said...

but cycle leash could also be good for taking helper monkey on ride!

Frederick said...

It is much easier to walk a dog next to a unicycle.

hatPPR2700

Anonymous said...

"Culturally vapid"? I nearly died laughing at that one. Someone from the shithole of the western world--no, just make that "world"--dares look down his cultural nose at the rest of us? And before you deny NYC is a shithole, go down in one of them thar subways yer braggin' about an' take a good sniff.

Marcel Da Chump said...

A moment of silence for Vito...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 11:44am,

Yes.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

total hardcore cycling babe riding moutian bike down the centre of the colbble stones sans hemlet at 0:50.
Her Raven locks blowing in the wind, her body bouncing with the hardcoreness of the endeavor.


EAGL EYES

Tad Salyards said...

Hey, Snob. Should you be forced to visit Minneapolis again to sell your newest book, you are welcome to borrow my Bakfiets during your visit. It proudly displays the Minnesota Twins "TC" logo on the sides and would help you blend it a bit. We'd also like to invite you over for dinner and beer if available. There is one condition to this invitation. If you a Yankees fan you can fucking suck it and the entire offer is null and void. -Tad (tsalyards@gmail.com)

theEel said...

weed.

Mike Giant said...

YOUZ SUCK
ATBI KING

Anonymous said...

"Squirrel! Hey, stupid, did you not see that fucking squirrel?! Squirrel dude! Stop this fucking bike and unhook me dumbass!"

wishiwasmerckx said...

This is GREAT! Now I am going to augment my income from being a sheerness tester for Lululemon (Bend over!) with a new gig measuring the distance between female rider's thighs (Geeze, this one has a three-finger gap!)

Life just keeps getting better n better!

DB said...

Happy Christian and Jewish holiday to everyone.
It's finally warm enough for a ride so I'm out of here as soon as I fling a winters worth of dog shit into the woods from my yard.

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

I'll just have to take your word for it that Highbridge is the super cool place to ride. Since the video does not play.

ChamoisJuice said...

-Those grips!
-Boner stem! Seriously, you owe it to yourself to try a bike that fits you properly with a sub 70mm stem and wide bars. Though, would cut down on the crashes/ free blog material.
-rear tire is on backwards. Try a knobbier front tire, you'll like it.
-Levers are too far in toward the grips
-lever blades are too far out.
-prolly pull a few links out of that chain.
-vinyl seat?!? You have given up, haven't you?

Fritz said...

New Yawk "Culturally Elevated"?

Uhhh No

Someone provide me with an example of why it is?

Broadway, Museums. Good Chinese Food?

Anonymous said...

As a woman that rides a bike I hope only millionaire hotties are ckecking out my dump-truck ass when I am riding my bike.
SRSLY

Anonymous said...

RIP VITO
HGH BRDGE
GRBGE DMP

ChamoisJuice said...

MASSIVE POUNDING EFFECT ON YOUR BODY

YOU'RE PRETTY NAILED BY THE END OF IT

BikeSnobNYC said...

ChamoisJuice,

Next time please separate the subjective comments from the ones that are just wrong.

Or just stick to the forums.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Kai Vallon said...

That stupid leash looks like it's designed to chew up seat posts, nice bare aluminum teeth digging in while a fifty pound panicky animal yanks on the lever

Comment deleted said...

Now you've gone and made me miss your culturally-elevated shithole.

The Ghost of Vito said...

I feel like I've been reincarnated as someone WHO USES CAPS LOCK FOR EMPHASIS. Maybe it's just a bad dream.

babble on said...

Huh... the yoni video won't play. That's ok, I have my own yoni to play with.

Happy Friday, Snobbers et al!

Er... snob? Does the fact that my blog mentions a pussy mean that it's "some shit about cats?"

sensitively yours,
babbles

paulb said...

Any sign of renovation work beginning on the bridge? If this takes too much longer, I will be dead.

babble on said...

Nice cobbles photo.

Anonymous said...

FUKK

U

SEABUSCUIT


4216 TheDimo

Vegas said...

My day off and I still can't crack the top 20. Guess I'll stick with riding.

56 isaswi
Daft Punk aren't robots either, even though they're dressed like ones.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

"So if someday you're free/
why don't you come with me/
and we'll poison the pigeons in the park


And maybe we'll do/
in a squirrel or two/
while we poison the pigeons in the park."

-Tom Lehrer

Anonymous said...

Here we are down here, generating new topics for post after post by Wildcat, like a bunch of helper-monkeys with typewriters. It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

Dooth said...

New Yawk "culturally elevated"?

But of course! Where else does a junkie have the luxury of shooting the trails AND heroin at the same place?

bikesgonewild said...

...looking at bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's new riding area, methinks he shoulda moved to (even) portland...

...the photos remind me of a 1st world war battlefield...

ChamoisJuice said...

re: Bicycle fit is subjective vs. correct/wrong.

Reasonable people can agree that bike fit is subjective and open to personal preferences and tastes... WITHIN REASON.
For example, you may prefer you road bars tilted slightly up. Other may prefer drops level. Both are acceptable. However, rocking bum bars is WRONG.

Same deal with seat angle. Level, slightly up, slightly down can be justified. I believe your saddle should point at your bars. Rubbing anal intruder angle is WRONG. Rocking nose hella down with a junk saver seat is WRONG, as well as advertising to the world your insecurities. Nothing says "I HAVE ERECTION DIFFICULTIES" like the above set up.

Which brings me back to your stem preferences....
on your travel bike, it's somewhat acceptable, because you are making a too small bike work for you..

On the Ritte, you spent EXTRA$$$$ to get it built Cipo-style. That's like buying a custom frame, and running your saddle as far forward as it'll go. Or custom frame, with 3" of headset spacers.

On your MTB, it's obvious your bike setup preferences are influenced by the leg shaving, bib short wearing road racing world, that is willing to compromise any and all handling abilities for the perception of better climbing.

Guy from Grand Junction said...

Sure, it's not exactly [insert your culturally vapid region that has incredible off-road riding here], but does your mountain bike trail have a subway station?


Hey, I resemble that remark!

bikesgonewild said...

...it must be comforting for bsnyc/rtms/wcrm to know that so many experts are willing to solve his bike fitting 'problems'...

Chamois Juice's Mum said...

He has a small wiener. Sorry everyone

crosspalms said...

bgw,
When he was in Chicago and there was a pre-BRA bike ride, I totally would have set him straight on his riding style if I'd been able to catch up to him.

ChamoisJuice said...

BSNYC is the one with the problem making it through a ride without falling down. ONLY TRYING TO HELP!

LOL, no, I am just trying to make him insecure about the messages his careful chosen material good purchases are broadcasting.

Anonymous said...

@Vegas

I've made the podium a couple of times. You pretty much have to be unemployed.

Anonymous said...

Let's talk about how stems affect handling. Lots of people seem to think that short stem = quick handling bike. It barely makes a difference. Steering leverage is proportional to the length (hypotenuse) between the bar ends or wherever you put your hands, and the steer tube.

So let's say you have 40 cm bars and a 40 mm stem. Using pythagorean theorem, the effective length is 40.3 centimeters. Now let's up the stem to 120 mm. The effective length is only 41.76 cm. Barely any difference!

The moral of the story is just to fucking use what feels right.


bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...exactly, right ???...

...i think chamoisjuices mom just said it all...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Chamois Juice, you do know that you are an insufferable ass, no?

Let me clue you in on a little secret...everybody LOVES LOVES LOVES a pompous know-it-all, especially really cute girls.

Enjoy your Mom's basement this weekend, ok? And don't forget to keep sharing the benefit of your broad-ranging and spot-on knowledge with the rest of us.

Thanks for deeming us worthy of receiving your commentary.

Pythagoras said...

Suck on that bitches

babble on said...

Methinks he doth protest too loudly.

Sir sticky pants. It almost seems as if you are trying to broadcast your tremendous and unparalleled knowledge of the bio-geometrics of all things bicycle.

babble on said...

But who am I to say?

I suck!

Pythagoras's Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-Grandson's Mum said...

If Pythagoras had ridden a bike it would've had a 200mm stem

JB said...

Go outside and ride your bike, chamois. Really! :')

Jed said...

Snobby, I think it's time to install a pay-wall on this here blog. Y'now, separate the scrote from the anus.

Methusalah said...

Pythagoras used to ride around with a stem about three cubits long, with long V-shaped handlebars. Scared the shit out of most people, but it drove the phreduses absolutely insane. So it's all his fault that Fred's are nuts.

Jed said...

Or the vag, as the case may be.

Anonymous said...

ChamoisJuice - You're a fuck wit and you don't know shit. You're the kind of "serious amateur" asshole fred that is hell bent on taking all of the fun out of cycling. Go away.

Methuselah said...

This apostrophe thing is still new to me, so fuck off.

Comment deleted said...

Yes, you do, Babs. As do we all. But you suck much better than most.

bikesgonewild said...

...i just hope high bridge park's mountain bike cycling trails aren't the 'high water mark' of bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's fredtastic cycling experiences...

...i can only imagine the park is bereft of junkies, muggers n' thieves due to the presently barren landscape...

...come the budding of greenery & the coverage it provides & high bridge park might just be a place one rides in small groups, if only to survive & maintain possession of ones bike...

..."...yo, sport, c'mere...ya, ya, c'mere...hey, nice bike, bro...mind if i take a look 'at yer ride ???...i'm kinda in the bike biz, ya might say...ya, ya, i sold a lotta nice bikes last year...mind if i try it out, bro ???...hey, hey, chill, bro, what's with the attitude ???...
...okay, catch ya next time, bro...i'll be lookin' out for ya..."
...

grog said...

Nice trails, but does the bus stop nearby in case of rain?
Sorry for your Vito loss.
RIDE NICE
MORE BABE

Dooth said...

Oh, rats! When I clicked on babble's I suck! I was expecting...aww shucks...you know--LOLLIPOPS!

The King of Park Slope's slightly confused nephew Sigfried said...

Sarcasm is an orgasm in a sarcophogus.

Anonymous said...

dude, I just totally spirit hugged you.

Anonymous said...

Looked at the Bamboobee Kickstarter. Best part is when they talk about the integrated rack and cut to a shot where you're looking at the chick's rack.

In Remembrance said...

Vito Dead, Nonplussed Squirrel Dead, Rob Fords still alive, what is this world coming to?

Anonymous said...

That was purty funny!

I like the way they claim the NuVinci hub provides and "assist." Bollocks!

gregg said...

Ooooo dat Inbred...

Grump said...

Snobby, you may be a Book Fred, but at least you've got more money coming in than going out. That's only happened to me once in the last 25+ years of being a bike Idiot. I don't care much for the term "bike fred" (unless you look and act like a real fred). I prefer the term "Pack Filler".
.
.

PBateman said...

hey Snoberstein, will you for the love of LOB try to add charlotte or some other city in the Confederacy to your booking touring routes?

thanks and happy easter you yankee bastard.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bikesnob,

I realize that to a New Yorker, where you live is a sensitive question, because wherever you live, half your NY readership will be jealous of you and the other half will be contemptuous of you. But by now you've given enough clues to have given the game away to locals, so how about helping out your national readership by telling us a) where you now live and b) what kind of person that makes you.

ChamoisJuice said...

Ok, I read and comment on this blog because:
-it's funny.
-it reminds me of what I miss and hate about NYC.
-to kill time at work.

To answer the "mom's basement" comment, I grew up in "upstate" NY. My mom and dad live one block from the Runcible Spoon. My first bike shop job was at Piermont Bicycle Connection. Back in those days, the Toga team seemed like the cool roadies to me.

Now I live in Cascadia. I have chosen outdoor recreation and a mellower lifestyle over the ratrace. I miss NY for:
-Pizza
-bagels
-delis
-music
-art
-black people
-jews

For those that have been reading this blog for awhile.... you may remember pre-Eben Weiss days, the pre-WCRTMS days, when it was just anonymous Bike Snob ruthlessly insulting peoples bike set ups....

For the record, BSNYC is one of my favorite NY Jews, top 10 for sure. Somewhere below Woody Allen, above David Berkowitz...

On that note, it's quitting time. Time to smoke some freds and poser roadies....

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Looking at Google Earth to try and find some of the picture locations; 'cause... what else are ya gonna do on a day off in flyover country.

Anyways, so far I see the subway station from pic #1 and a corner of the fenced-in park benches. I was hoping to see where the whoop-de-dos are, but the foliage is too dense on GE.

Oh, and CJ? I'm sure there are bike dorks who really want to know what you have to say about geometry and handling, but not here... 'K?

campbell fdy said...

Here in north brooklyn, we suffer from our own forms of freddouchhattery
Was he walking his phixie on crowded bedford ave?-yes he was
was his yoga mat duct-taped to his american eagle sweatshirt?-yes it was
Was he wearing a helment? - yes he was

Springtime in the new brklyn

Perry said...

ChamoisJuice said: "Time to smoke some freds and poser roadies...."

Go, Cat6. Go!!!

Angry Dan said...

Greetings Wildcat!

I just aced the Friday Quiz AGAIN! As a computer Fred, I use my link hovering kung fu to "enhance my performance" and ensure I always end up atop the podium.

So haha to all you chumps who prep for the quiz by reading each and every snob post. Try not to choke on my dust and have a great weekend!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Chamois Juice, thank you for the overshare, and enjoy your Klan meeting this weekend, jew-baiter.

Anonymous said...

BSNYCRTMSWCRM lives in the Bronx...not the part which boogies down (but in the summertime he'll hum a different tune) but the Bromx nonetheless; he's admitted it. Case closed.

Bender said...

@Chamois Douche

Nobody cares.

Go kick some Cat 6 ass and shut the fuck up.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 6:44, I was under the impression that we had settled on that he had settled on Marble Hill, which is still technically Manhattan, even though it is Bronx-adjacent.

Although I note that Highbridge Park is in Washington Heights, not Marble Hill.

Although if anybody cares to know that badly, most real property records are now computerized and available to the public at large. I believe that you will find it titled under "The Eben Weiss Ginormous Irrevocable Family Mega-Trust."

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sweet mtb action. Thanks Wildcat. I'm actually envious. Not had my mtb out yet this year.

A bit late to the podio race today. Due to certain religious affiliations my shop was closed down today so I spent the afternoon exercising my 2nd Amendment Rights with my son.

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Fritz said...

Thats right Bender

Nobody Cares about Comments

One day they will all be lost Like Tears in Rain

Like in an old Scfi Movie... sort of

tHeenD 666

Anonymous said...

wiwm, he actually wrote " I live in the Bronx, but not the part which boogies down".

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ok so that's not a hose you're using to clean your bike. What is it?

Whiny Bitch said...

Long stem


TLLR EFCT

Anonymous said...

Sealy Posturpedic-Italia.... why oh why mess with two meaningless measurements only in order to estimate a simple ischial tuberosity measurement? Cervelo (I know, I know...) did a nice job re-writing a saddle fit page from a women's bike club site. It makes anatomical sense, at least. http://www.cervelo.com/en/engineering/ask-the-engineers/the-four-and-a-half-rules-of-road-saddles-.html

Angie Kritenbrink said...

I get so confused when I read these comments.

McFly said...

After one crashes a mountaining bike one should immediately open up one's Make-Up Bag Full of Excuses.

leroy said...

Ride safe all and enjoy the ride.

My dog was going to get one of those leases, but is waiting for a carbon fiber version. But carbon or aluminum, ain't no way I'm wearing it.

I've never suffered on a bike and I'm not going to start now.

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Anonymous said...

"SCRANUS


DUE TO NUMEROUS GOOFY TILLER EFFECTS"

What is the Parks Dept. Trying to say with these signs?

Anonymous said...

Fortunately there's Zipcar to get me from my neighborhood to the nearest bikeshare station.

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Frilly Chick said...

*sigh* I miss my old apt. The alley behind was cobblestone--my own private Arenberg.

Happy Easter everyone!

McFly said...

The true remedy to a clickin BB30?
Blue Loctite(642) inside the inner bearing race and inside the BB shell. The sealed cartridge bearings arch nemesis is side-load.

SHHH BIKE

BOUT TIME

LOCK TITE

anonymoose said...

Happy Easter!

Muhammad Ramzan said...

sandhi sudha plus
health and fitness
Dear Admin
i want to say that nature is best teacher in the world..
What you say about that?

babble on said...

Ok, so its Easter... is Vito back from the dead yet?

babble on said...

I keep waiting for my lifetime membership to the Dork Club, but de nada...

Clearly they don't know WHO I AM.

Mcfly said...

Make that Loctite 242, I apologize for the confusion. I hope you kept your receipts.

SPAR TCUS

bikesgonewild said...

...easter sunday morning & i feel like i just arose from the dead...

...just sayin'...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Jesus, BGW!

Anonymous said...

Man I can't wait to attach the Cycleash to my fixie and have skidding contests against my dog down steep hills.

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ce said...

Skip to 1.07.02

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