Thursday, February 14, 2013

Nice Infrastructure, But Bike Lanes Are For "Woosies"


(Those two glasses of wine are totally going to "do it!")

Happy Valentine's Day!  I love the fuck out of you!  I also just got an email from Transportation Alternatives with advice on "How To Score A Bike Lover," and here's method #4:

You Love Yielding, Too?

If you're single on this love-laden holiday, look to your commute. There's common ground in a shared love of polite bicycling, and bicycling buddies can meet while stopped at the traffic light. If you prefer flirting indoors, visit a bike shop with social space, like Red Lantern Bicycles' café.

In other words, they're suggesting that stopping at red lights will get you laid, though the sad truth is that if you're a woman it's only going to get you a very scuzzy "missed connection" on Craigslist.

Speaking of cycling in the city, yesterday I mentioned how pretty much every candidate for mayor of New York City refuses to support bike lanes, which inevitably elicited a comment from the hardened urban cyclist who needs you to know that bike lanes are for "woosies:"

Anonymous said...

Who rides in these silly bike lanes besides clueless suburban transplants and rent-a-tourists?

Rip 'em out. I'll keep riding in the street where bikes belong. Fuck JSK and her little boss.

FEBRUARY 13, 2013 AT 8:23 PM  

Actually, the clueless transplants and rent-a-tourists don't ride in the bike lanes.  They just sort of salmon about randomly, or else retreat to the sidewalk where they cluster around a smartphone looking for directions to some stupid ferry landing in Brooklyn.  As for the bike lanes, they're quite useful to actual New York City cyclists.  Firstly, they make it a lot easier to carry crap on your bike beyond what will fit in a dainty little messenger bag, such as children, groceries, or shitloads of watermelon to drop from the bridge onto passing ferries.  Secondly, there's this thing that happens when you start getting older, where you no longer feel the need to prove your mettle in New York City traffic on every single ride.  You know how when you're young you just want to get really drunk, but when you're older you learn how to appreciate a fine Scotch and get really drunk expensively and slowly?  Well, the same thing happens with bikes, and sometimes you just want to get somewhere without making a big fucking sweaty countercultural deal about it.  Sure, it's lame, but it happens to everybody--unless you get hit by a car because there aren't enough bike lanes, or unless you're this guy:


Do you really want to spend your middle age with a pair of cameras strapped to your helmet chasing a bunch of people half your age because you made a boring career choice?  Really, it's not that much different from those people in Japan who go around making videos of teenage girls using the toilet.  (I'm pretty sure I read about something like that somewhere, I've never actually seen it, really I havent.)  Or else, if you don't become like Lucas Brunelle, you just stop riding altogether, yet you still go on about how there shouldn't be bike lanes now because you didn't need them 25 years ago, like that putz John Cassidy.

So yes, we need more bike lanes, because eventually almost everybody grows up--though having said that, if they do in fact start removing bike lanes then my little deal with the city is off and I'm running every single red light I see.  I've been a wanton scofflaw before, and I can do it again.  If you take someone's toilet away then eventually he's going to have to piss on the floor, and if you take our bike infrastructure away eventually we're going to have to piss on your stupid motor vehicle-centric traffic laws.

Worst of all, if New York City loses its bicycle infrastructure and all the media attention that comes with it then we're only going to hear more about Portland, and I don't think there's a cyclist in America who wouldn't rather ride a bicycle without a seat then hear another word about Portland.  (Portland cyclists don't count, because Portland is not in America.)

Speaking of tired subjects, the IOC can't give Lance Armstrong's bronze medal to anybody else, probably because--surprise!--they were all just as dirty as he was:


It's pretty pathetic when you can't even give away a bronze medal.  At a certain point you'd think someone would realize that the only reasonable thing to do is invalidate every single competitive cycling result ever logged since the invention of the safety bicycle, and going forward to reclassify professional cycling as a form of outré entertainment, like professional wrestling or kabuki theatre.

In other news, the designers of the Bent Basket want me to let you know about the Bent Basket:



Basically, the Bent Basket is a bent basket, and while I was incredibly disappointed that it's not a basket for recumbents, I do think it is going to change the way you think about serving trays with integrated suspenders forever.  Also, it has an impressive pedigree:

"Bent Basket was designed in San Francisco, and refined here in New York City."

Hey, just like the Brooklyn hipster culture!

Lastly, that sickening "Wilderness Collective" website led me to another website called The Art of Manliness, and apparently if you want to be a man you should use wax seals on your correspondence:




And grow a handlebar mustache:


I always knew I wasn't a real man, but I had no idea it was because I don't dress like a confirmed bachelor from the Victorian era.  I guess we've gone past "steampunk" and are now in the age of the "steamyuppie."

I'd better curate myself a more manly wardrobe.

106 comments:

dcdouglas said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

Podium!!!

Anonymous said...

First ?!?!

Anonymous said...

Have made podium againg?

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Surly Bastard said...

Top tenish.
1070

Marcel Da Chump said...

Valentine Lanes.

RANTWICK said...

I wear a camera on my head, but I chase older drunk guys. It is way easier.

[35 Newhowil]

Anonymous said...

"people in Japan who go around making videos of teenage girls using the toilet"....

Oh, how I wanted some blue-way text right there!

POOP LINK

Anonymous said...

TOP TEN?

babble on said...

I love the fuck outta you, too!

3G said...

Lucas Brunelle 4eva

Anonymous said...

Two things:

1. Don't think I can properly "slam" my stem wilst using a Bent Basket.

2. How can I wax seal my e-mail?

Lucass Brunelle said...

One more crack outta you Snobby and Ima jam my steamy yuppie in yer jelly hole.

Anonymous said...

Curate your love bitches

Anonymous said...

bent basket model @ 0:27 and 1:22

mikeweb said...

Steamy uppie??

Is that the new term for taking a giant dump in the bathroom?

"Don't go in there yet. I just did a steamy uppie. I shouldn't have had those artisanal pickled eggs after that giant burrito".

Blog Drafter said...

"cycling as a form of outré entertainment"

I am astounded, Good Sir Snob...excellent!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Believe it or not I actually made a bent basket one time. It was more like a bent tray made from aluminum and it did indeed go on my first bent. It had a lip around the bottom I bent up with a bending brake and the whole unit fastened to the struts behind the seat. It was engineering genius perfect size for my lunchbox or a six pack of road pops.

Buffalo Bill said...

Bent wood.
Sounds painful.

Anonymous said...

Bent wood? Everybody gurgle "Peyronie's disease".

I'm raising awareness here.

theEel said...

weed1st!

Anonymous said...

When professional cycling is utterly abandoned as a sport and becomes "a form of outré entertainment," it will probably take the form of Bradley Wiggins riding a fatbike, keeping pace just behind the Wilderness Collective pack and shouting some abusive variation of the word "cunt" every kilometer.

It won't be a question of how long his lungs will hold out, but how many kilometers he can travel before he runs out of insults.

Anonymous 12:20 PM:
You can wax seal your e-mail by embedding the 3D printer instructions to create the seal in your e-mail signature.

crosspalms said...

On my way to work this morning I was passed by a guy who had a long aluminum pole strapped to his top tube. It stuck out about 2 feet ahead and 4 feet behind him. Didn't know what the hell it was till I looked at the milk crate and bucket on his rear rack. Window washing equipment. I'm impressed.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford had major surgery yesterday. You could at least give the guy a shout-out. He's a friggin living legend for Lob's sake.

babble on said...

It's Valentines day. You should wax yer, erm.... well, not your mustache.

mikeweb said...

@rct,

I believe it.

Also, I know most people like them, but I never saw the appeal of a front basket. Even if they can structurally handle more than 2-3 pounds of cargo, putting much more than 5 pounds up there really starts to drastically change steering capability and makes the bike harder to handle, which can be a concern in tight traffic quarters. Then again, I'm sure other things like a longer wheelbase, lower head tube angle, more rake, etc. may probably lessen these issues (I'm always riding bikes with tight 'racing' geometries...).

That said, if that bent basket could be mounted to my rear rack though, I'd consider getting one.

(BTW, this is a little easier not having to type in the number part of the captcha).

bob said...

Bent Basket; No more ugly bungee cords! Huzzah!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Right on mikeweb. I don't know much about front baskets probably the last time I rode a bike with one was when I stole my sister's ride you know the one with flowers and a banana seat on it.

Any way I ordered a handle bar basket as a valentines present for my favorite commuter bike. It should be here today so I'll soon find out about it.

Postman said...

No to letter seals. Wax off into the mail stream and gums up the equipment.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Be quiet postman. Cleaning those machines will give you something to do on Saturday.

McFly said...

BS,
Have you considered accepting Portland into your life?

Perry said...

Babble just wrote a blog entry about baskets. Since she is actually a basket user/basket destroyer, perhaps the fine folks at suspendercladwoodencafeteriatrays.com should send her one of their bent baskets for a little real-world product testing.

Anonymous said...

Wax On, Foff Off

Wax On, Foff Off

Paint the boobs Danielsan..

crosspalms said...

mikeweb,
I had one of those Wald baskets on a commuter bike (since stolen, dammit) a few years ago, and you're right, you can't put too much weight in it. But it was really useful for my change of clothes, or a small bag of groceries, stuff like that. Plus it had a handle locking system so you could easily lift it on and off the bike. Perfect for a farmer's market jaunt, if that doesn't sound too twee(d).

babble on said...

McFly ++ heh heh

Cheers, Perry - Yeah, let the bent basket case at the bent basket. I'll give it a workout.

DB said...

Happy Valentine's Day to Frilly and Babble.
Big day here, after work I'll put on a fresh shirt, spray a little Hai Karate or Jade East and the Mrs. and I are headed over the state line to a supper club in Wisconsin.
After a Manhattan or two, it's prime rib, baked potato wrapped in foil, of course, onion rings and relish tray.
Living large!

Anonymous said...

I like the deep baskets but the front "baskets" with a very low lip is just infuriating! What's the point? You can't put anything in it!!! May as well just have a rack and bungee straps, ala the "Bent"... wait. Did I just agree with those guys?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@DB "Hai Karate"

LMFAO Damn that's funny. My dad had the double bottle set on his dresser. One must have been an aftershave. Karate hands on the labels. Hilarious.

Focus said...

As a middle aged guy with a boring career I'm definitely going to be getting myself a Hermans Bagels
jersey and taping a webcam to my faceguard.

Anonymous said...

Read Road to Valor about Gino Bartali, champion italian cyclist around WWII. a good read and interesting to know that even way back then cyclists were doping.

mikeweb said...

@DB,

I second that: very happy V-day to Frilly and babble and any of the other fine ladies of the commentariat.

Hai Karate. My Grandad had that stuff. If I may pry, will the Missus be wearing Jean Naté?

Have a great time!

Oscar said...

Bitch kept wanting to grind on my nubs....shit ain't cool....

McFly said...

Anon @ 1:43,

I am finishing up Schmex, lies, and Handlebar tape about Jacque Anquetil, which is very good, so I will check that out.

In '53 or so he averaged 26 mph over 71 miles in the Gran Prix des Nations..amazing....

And no, he was not wearing a healmeant.

Anonymous said...

Fuck JSK? I missed that gem yesterday. Idiot. bike lanes are great, I've been commuting by bike here in NYC for about 15 years, am a former bike messenger from back in the day and am an accomplished CAT 6 racer and I use the bike lanes all of the time. I fucking love them. So, no my little anonymous friend, fuck you!

Anonymous said...

I don't use bike lanes in Manhattan. I mainly use the UPS delivery guy/car door opening zones--the lanes that are green with a crude representation of Tron in a lightcycle painted on them.

Anonymous said...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY LANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Krebs Cycle said...

piss test 1 - 30 on this mother. Not a clean racer among them.

I would only test positive for tomato juice, fried foods and heavy sexual activity.

Cipo would be proud!

Anonymous said...

Based on the comely locks of hair almost cropped out of the photo, the middle-aged man criticized for chasing people half his age looks like he caught one and has his arm around her! I'd sacrifice a bike lane for that.

Toodles The Dog said...

I was a Real Man when I was a teenager, and here I was thinking I was a pretentious teenager all this time.

babble on said...

THANK YOU, DB! Happy kissing day!

Did you send flowers? Just wondering who...

Anonymous said...

you know what other city has a 6% mode share besides Portland? Iowa City.

Graeme English said...

Maybe Anon 8:23 is John Cassidy? I remember that he at one point was an avid cyclist (he would ride up First Ave to Midtown and then ride back down Fifth Ave to the Village, all while hungover) and he hates the bike lanes because they somehow reduce available parking (??).

bikesgonewild said...

...db...don't forget the 2lb's of 'see's candies' in the big heart shaped box...

leroy said...

I need to apologize for my dog. He's the one who gave Mr. Brunelle the idea for that video cam helmet.

Brunelle Helmet Prototype

Anonymous said...

So it looks like John Liu is relying on the chinese food delivey vote: they rarely use the bike lanes on their electric (illegal) bikes. As for Quinn, when they were handing out bicycle legs she was at the back of the line getting a second helping of "arse". Where do they find these morons?

P. Bateman said...

valentines should be a present a very solid opportunity for a single person out at the bars right? anyone there without a date is likely there for the same reason you are there, right? that reason of course being an all out POON FEST. right?

just wanted to confirm before getting my hopes up about some strange.

as far as bike lanes, the ones here in charlotte are pretty decent i guess. i will contend however that it makes more sense to put pedestrians and bikes on the same plane where mass and speed are a closer match, vs putting bikes in the road with cars.

So instead of making miles of sidewalk that no one walks on, make them 2-3 feet wider and make them multi-purpose paths.

yes, this only works in smaller cities that aren't NYC and would likely be more suited for the burbs.

I also understand that i'm wrong to refer to any place that is not NYC as a "city". I've learned from Snob, and i've learned from all the damn yankees that live down here and talk loudly about how much better NYC and how much better the bagels are and how that pizza place on Lex and 5th? is so freaking awesome and how we can't drive in the snow and blah blah blah.

If you like NYC so much, then why is your hairy italian ass down here soaking up my southern sunshine?

had a little bumpy with lunch. making me productive and angry.

babble on said...

Leroy, your dog "gets it."

Mikeweb - thank you! xx

bikesgonewild said...

...& 'cuz it's valentines day, i'd like to extend a humongously big 'heart on' out to all the women who comment on bsnyc/rtms/wcrm...

...just me, just sayin'...

CommieCanuck said...

Bought the missus a new Dustbuster, don't tell us the spark ain't still alive.

DB said...

Mikeweb: l'air du Temps, I believe.
McFly & Anon: I'm reading Slaying the Badger, Greg LeMond, Bernard Hinault and the Greatest Tour de France. Pretty good.
Babs: wife isn't into flowers, but a little jewelry headed her way.
BGW: no See's candy here, going with the Fanny May!

CommieCanuck said...

Y'all have no idea the sick shit we do with Dustbusters, and why we need new ones all the time.

Anonymous said...

@DB

That was every birthday celebration during my formative years in the midwest. :-)

For a nice change up, nothing says romance like those three little words "Red Lobster tonight".

CommieCanuck said...

This is the one day of the year Mario Cippolini needs the EPO...and aged tubular condoms. The glue has been drying since last night. A guy in a yellow motorcycle has been following him around to bars with spares.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I use my wax letter sealing kit to wax my nutsack smooth.

The ladies LOVE it.

bikesgonewild said...

...just remember, commie canuck...

..."...you can't live life in a vaccum..."...


Frilly Chick said...

Thank you DB & MikeWeb--back at ya!

P. Bateman--a gal pal and I have had the same theory for years. Let me know how that works out please.

A poem for Snobbie:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Many years this blog I have read,
And y'know I still heart you too!

DB said...

I'm planning the playlist for the trip tonight, thinking a little Andrew WK and Mott the Hoople.
Maybe Night Ranger, too.

7 in. Shaft said...

Guess I will just go to the bar tonight...........

Anonymous said...

@DB,

I grew up with prog rock and folk listening parents so it wouldn't seem right without some Emerson, Lake & Palmer or Kingston Trio on the 8-track.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

"The best experience has been all of the people who’ve told me how much I’ve inspired them to ride or ride faster and take more risks."

How so very nice for you.

mikeweb said...

@DB,

I finished reading that a few weeks back. Spoiler alert: Lemond wins (I know, an oldie but a goodie).

CC,

I hear tell there's a special term for the result of getting sick with the Dustbusters: a vicky.

Frilly Chick said...

wiwm--You're right.

1585 oileasy

Is Cipo running the captcha now?

Anonymous said...

I fuck the love out of you

CommieCanuck said...

WWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

J. F. Sebastian said...

So, this guy was born in 1971?

I know how that feels.

Anonymous said...

Not one mention of scranus yet? And P Bateman... Bama ditto!

Matt said...

I have a Nashbar Toto basket on one of my bikes and it's darn handy, though you may have to grow a really big handlebar moustache to overcome the effects on your manly image. It has a quick-release so you can take it off and handles so you can go skipping off through the fields with it to pick berries or whatever. If you're very careful and watchful, Nashbar has been known to have sales occasionally, too.

wishiwasmerckx said...

A Vicky?

Hey, that's my sister you're talking about here!

Anonymous said...

Yeah! Take back the Streets (raises fist in air). Yeah!

Sir Loin said...

Brunelle born in 71? He is not ageing well....

And really one shouldn't wax seal letters unless one has one's own family crest. But one doesn't expect Americans to understand such things

Dooth said...

I'm growing a handlebar mustache below my waist,
where it would come in handy.

Anonymous said...

Alley cat racing? Yep, it's insane and if that old man can keep up and video at the same time I'm sure not hating

CommieCanuck said...

WWWWWWWRRRRRR -tic-tic-tic -WWWWWRRRRRrrrrr...tic..rrrr.r

[lights cigarette]

DUST BSTER

bikesgonewild said...

...ummm...we happen to know your wife's at work & you're home alone...

...just sayin'...

Frilly Chick said...

Thanks CC, coke slushie almost went everywhere.

The mental image of you post-coitus a la SJP in Sex and the City. Ha!

Anonymous said...

Subliminal messages twas seen today
waxing: not only for women and gays

Using it for yer letters is manly
and be more assertive, pansy!

such is is the state of masculinity
tear you down, then build silly

my body shorn and being so aero
my pannier rack eats Wald's marrow

a trip for wine n cheese, methinks
oops--doored--front rack deflects!!

Was riding again in the gutter
a bike haters' victory, I mutter

douchetastic said...

Professional wrestling is the only clean sport.
Discuss.

crosspalms said...

DB
I went on a date in high school once where I wore Old Spice and Brut simultaneously. It's a miracle the poor girl didn't keel over -- or that I didn't catch fire. I'm more suave these days (but probably not much).

Happy V-Day all!

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms, you 'old brut' you...

paulb said...

If bikeshare is successful the next mayor might be reluctant to erase the bike lanes. But looking at the field of candidates.... time for that drink.

Vehicular Bicycling Cyclist said...

The Vehicular Bicycling Cyclists of Amehrica have, in our power and numbers - representing 1% of all cyclists, decided (we're the deciders) that we don't need bike lanes so you 99% bike lane huggers don't need it either. That's duhmocracy, so just suck it up.

Postman said...

Male stream. Now that's whacky.

Roille Figners said...

That's right, you better hope and pray they keep the bike lanes, or we're going to stage a cross-country "Gay Time-Traveling Bret Disco Party" theme ride straight from Portland to your scranus!

Then we're gonna steal those Bent Baskets and use them how Lob intended: for SLEDDING!

Since me and the little lady are now gay-married/illegally-married, we're spending today both working our asses off separately, and maybe later sharing a box of those little heart-shaped candies from Necco with the messages on them.

rwaiee feenyay

Fritz said...

Combine Hai karate and Hawaiin Surf and you got Nuckear grade Mojo workin

Scott said...

good post

babble on said...

The Pope's doing a crossword puzzle. He looks up and asks a Cardinal "Can you think of a four letter word for woman that ends in unt?"

"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.

"Thanks. Have you got an eraser?"

yankees suck said...

p. bateman - you never hear an ex-new yorker in Boston saying how much better NYC is.

yankees suck said...

p. bateman - you never hear an ex-new yorker in Boston saying how much better NYC is.

CrosspAlms said...

Babble
+++++++++

Anonymous said...

LATE POST

crosspalms said...

I'd like to thank the new Apple product I typed that last post on for the bizarre capitalization. Still like the pope joke.

CommieCanuck said...

Whew...those new lithium batteries in Dustbuster last FOREVER.

CommieCanuck said...

Brad Wiggans is doing a crossword puzzle. He looks up and asks a teamate "Can you think of a four letter word for woman that ends in unt?"

"Aunt," replies the teamate.

"Thanks. Have you got an eraser?... you cunt"

Anonymous said...

A bike lane would have saved my best friend's life you thoughtless piece of shit.

Get a clue, no one uses the Bike Lanes cause they're in areas that make them redundant. There is no infrastructure and if NYC DOT spent what little money it would take it to build a Bike Lane system, there's no reason it wouldn't loosen up congestion, incentivize biking over driving and SAVE LIVES!!!