Get That Wednesday Out Of Your Mouth, You Have No Idea Where It's Been!

Did you know the sea slug has a disposable penis?  It's true, I just heard it on NPR this morning.  Well, actually I heard it on the BBC via NPR, and here's the accompanying article:

Japanese researchers observed the bizarre mating behaviour in a species called Chromodoris reticulata, which is found in the Pacific Ocean.

They believe this is the first creature known that can repeatedly copulate with what they describe as a "disposable penis".

First creature that can repeatedly copulate with a disposable penis?  Uh, wrong again, science!

(Each member of the Cipollini women's cycling team receives a custom-grown disposable penis.  Here, Cipollini discusses sizing with one of his riders.)

I think it's sick that taxpayer money goes to funding radio broadcasts about slug penises, and I think it's even sicker that the government is trying to take my Second Amendment rights away so I can't shoot at the radio in disgust.  See, in England they don't have a Second Amendment, and that's why their media is full of stories about slug dicks and cricket balls:

I guess it's true what they say: The sun never sets on the British Empire's insatiable appetite for bug porn.

In other news of government run amok, here in New York City these insidious things called "bike lanes" are robbing us of our God-given right to drive our cars on every inch of pavement.  Bike lanes come from Europe, which is reason enough to hate them.  I mean, didn't we fight a war against Europe?  Fortunately though we probably won't have to deal with this stupid bike lane thing for much longer, since there doesn't seem to be a single mayoral candidate who will express support for them:

Basically, if you're a New York City cyclist, it looks like you're going to have three choices:

1) Vote for a candidate who will swiftly remove all the bike lanes;
2) Vote for a candidate who will pull them out slowly one by one, like toenails in a CIA interrogation;
3) Vote for a candidate who will basically ignore them and let the bike infrastructure gradually wither and die.

Of course, when announcing you're going to remove bike lanes, it's important to point out that you're an "avid bike rider:"


John C. Liu, the city’s comptroller and a likely Democratic candidate for mayor, said in a phone interview that removing existing lanes would be “a likely scenario in some parts of the city,” particularly in Brooklyn and Queens, if he succeeded Mr. Bloomberg.

While calling himself “an avid bike rider,” Mr. Liu expressed skepticism about the polling numbers on bikes. “It depends who’s doing the poll,” he said. “I don’t recall any opponents of bike lanes conducting any polls.”


John C. Liu is an avid bike rider like President Obama is an avid skeet shooter.

Also, make sure to have a shaky reason for removing the bike lanes:

Joseph J. Lhota, the former chairman of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority and a Republican candidate for mayor, also said he “could see” removing lanes that he deemed problematic. He noted that some bus drivers along the B63 route in Park Slope, Brooklyn, had complained about the perils of sharing space with bike riders.

Wait, the bus drivers are afraid of the cyclists?  What are they worried about, that their bikes might scratch the buses when they run over the cyclists?

Most importantly, don't forget to call the bike lanes "controversial," even when the majority of New Yorkers are in favor of them:

In her remarks to WNYC, Ms. Quinn called the city’s lanes “clearly controversial,” and said that some had been constructed “without consultation with communities and community boards.”

Oh, and once again, always remember to point out that you support cycling and that you ride a bike, even if you only do it rarely and in another state:

Ms. Quinn also said she supported cycling in general, and rode occasionally near her weekend home in New Jersey. “My district is crazy for bike lanes,” she said.

"Rode occasionally" means that somewhere in the garage she's pretty sure there's a bicycle, though it was already there when she moved in.  By the way, Mayor Bloomberg gets a lot of crap for fleeing to Bermuda every chance he gets, but at least I can understand the temptation.  On the other hand, you have to really hate New York City if you'd rather spend the weekends in New Jersey.

Still, it's a good thing the end of the bike lanes is nigh, because if things keep going the way they are then one day drivers might actually get in trouble for driving onto the sidewalk and hitting old people:

Now that would be a shame.

The saddest part of all of this is that most cyclists won't notice when their infrastructure is yanked out from under them anyway, since they're so busy "foffing off" over Strava:

Not all Strava badges are equal. One of the most desired is attached to Harlem Hill, a notoriously steep incline in New York's Central Park. About 3,350 Strava users have raced Harlem Hill a combined total of about 90,000 times, making a minor celebrity of Chad Butts, a local cycling coach who has held the Harlem Hill KOM since June 2011. "I hear about it a lot—more than I thought it would," says Butts, 33. If someone dethroned him, he adds, "I would go back to reclaim it."

Actually, Harlem Hill isn't really that steep, it just has the misfortune of being an incline in Central Park, which probably boasts the highest concentration of crabon bikes in the known universe.  Therefore, being the biggest hill in Central Park is like being the most attractive woman in a bar in Midtown, except instead of getting pawed at by frat boys and insurance brokers it's constantly molested by Freds.

By the way, if you're tired of foffing off furtively to Strava and instead want to share your depraved dorkiness with the world, then be sure to invest in the new "Segment Hunter" t-shirt:



I had two questions while watching this video.  The first was, "What year is this?"

And the second was, "While it may be possible for this person to reclaim his Strava segment record, can he ever reclaim his dignity?"

These questions are obviously rhetorical.  Everybody knows Grand Rapids, MI exists exactly 10 years in the past, and everybody also knows that dignity is fully incompatible with aerobars.

Lastly, yesterday I mentioned the "Wilderness Collective," and now it appears that they don't want their video on my blog anymore:

Evidently their disdain for our "age of eroding masculinity" does not extend to letting people make fun of their video on the Internet.  And speaking of masculinity, I wonder if they'd let this guy accompany them on their next wilderness wine and cheese adventure:

You saw me traveling on my bike. You admired me- all dirty and handsome. With half a traffic cone on the back of my bike. Do these things REALLY work out? Find out... POOF!

Is that half a traffic cone on your bike, or are you just happy to see us?