Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Help! My Masculinity Has Fallen And I Can't Get It Up!

Yesterday I mentioned that retired pro cycling sprint sensation and international sex symbol Mario Cipollini allegedly consulted Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes for a performance enhancing drug program.  Well, I've subsequently received an email from Cipollini's attorneys, and it appears that the cycling media may have jumped to an incorrect conclusion:

Dear Media Professional,

Subsequent to a report in Gazzetta dello Sport,  a number of English language cycling publications have suggested that our client, Mario Cipollini, used performance enhancing drugs during his racing career.  In particular, it has been stated that our client "used 25 blood bags before 2003 Giro d'Italia," and that he consulted Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes "under the code name 'Maria.'"

This is a simple misunderstanding

While it is true that our client has consulted Dr. Fuentes on more than one occasion, the subject of these consultations was in no way related to doping.  It is well known that Mario Cipollini was the most libidinous rider in the professional peloton.  Furthermore, he has very specific physical requirements with regard to sexual partners.  Therefore, as a gynecologist with a thriving practice, Dr. Fuentes was in a unique and ideal position to furnish our client with companions whom he had deemed "Cipo worthy" after a comprehensive 32-point inspection.

In this case, Cipollini had expressed to Dr. Fuentes his desire for a "sangue borse."  While the literal translation for this phrase is indeed "blood bag," it is also Lucchese slang for a woman who is menstruating.  Therefore, in saying that he needed a "sangue borse" before the Giro d'Italia, Cipollini was simply explaining to Dr. Fuentes that he wished to "earn his red wings" before the three-week race began.  Subsequently, Dr. Fuentes arranged contact with a woman named Maria who fulfilled this requirement.  As for the widely reported 25 blood bag figure, as I mentioned earlier Cipollini has very specific physical requirements, and suffice it to say that one of these requirements is ample liquid volume.

In light of these facts we hereby demand that you cease perpetuating this misinformation.  While the services provided to Mario Cipollini by Dr. Fuentes were not, strictly speaking, legal, they were in no way a violation of the anti-doping code, and it is unfair that our client's formidable sporting accomplishments should be sullied by a relatively harmless sexual peccadillo.

Sincerely,

Peter Shelley, Esq.
Attorney At Law
Shelley, Diggle, Smith & Maher, LLP

That's good enough for me.  In fact, it's a lot more than I needed to know.  If only other riders' representation were so forthcoming.  For example, after looking at this picture, it's clear Alessandro Petacchi has some explaining to do:



I guess when you're Petacchi's age, sometimes you need a little help staying up.  (Unless you're Mario Cipollini, whose refractory period is still measured in nanoseconds.)

In the meantime, between this and the thousands of paternity suits I'm sure Cipollini's attorneys have their hands full--and speaking of paternity, the artisanal fathering journal "Kindling" has made the New York Times:


Is having a penis the extent of your masculinity?  Did you nevertheless manage to use that penis to help someone make a baby?  Is the combined cost of your sweater and bag upwards of $1,000?  If you answered "Yes" to any of those questions and did so with a rising inflection, then you too may be an artisanal father:

There’s a fashion spread featuring Christopher Cole, a co-owner of the Brooklyn Fabrication metal construction company. He is photographed wearing a Coos Curry cardigan (retail price: $420) and carrying a chocolate brown Lotuff leather tote ($750).

But don't call them "hipster dads," because that's an "empty demarcation:"

“We actually said at our first meeting that if we make this pretty, somebody’s going to accuse us of being hipster dads,” said Mr. Heffner, 32, whose long beard and thick black glasses, and his borough, might make the accusation seem accurate.

“This whole hipster thing seems like an empty demarcation,” said Mr. Perez, also 32.

Nobody's calling you "hipster dads" because you made your magazine look pretty.  They're calling you "hipster dads" because you say things like this:

“We have this idea that parenting is all dirty diapers,” Mr. Perez said. “But being with my son is amazing. It’s dealing with all my anxiety or weird issues that’s the real challenge of being a father.”

Actually, parenting is mostly dirty diapers.  Dealing with your own anxiety and weird issues has nothing do with parenting.  Rather, it's something you do on your own time, possibly while stoned.

In any case, the article does make an interesting point, which is that to date every fathering magazine ever has failed, to which the "Kindling" guy has this to say:

“I recognize that there isn’t a marketing precedent for such an identification,” Mr. Perez said in an e-mail, “but we aren’t making a magazine for every American dad (as if such a thing exists) but men around the world who identify as dads.”

I disagree.  In fact, I think the real problem is that the "Kindling" editors don't understand their own audience.  What they really need to do is drop the whole "dad" angle and simply market this as a literary journal for overeducated urban men who have huge amounts of time to engage in mental masturbation, regardless of whether or not they have children.  If they do this I guarantee they'll have a big hit on their hands.  In fact, "Wilderness Collective" participants alone should keep them in $420 cardigans for years:


Wilderness Collective: Trip 000 from Process Creative on Vimeo.

Over the past few weeks numerous people have alerted me to this video, but only today have I managed to gird my loins and actually watch it, and it gives me little pleasure to report that it's perhaps the most offensive thing I've ever seen.  Indeed, in terms of sheer dandydom, it makes "Kindling" look like "Maxim."  Granted, I'm no woodsman (I get frightened riding the Hudson River Greenway at night), but even I know you don't boast about your outdoor survival skills while grilling artichoke:


I also know there's nothing rugged or adventurous about using a cutting board:


Or opening a wedge of smoked gouda by a campfire you made with a propane torch:


It's unlikely you actually made it this far into the video without throwing up, but you should know that just after the gouda shot the narrator actually says this:

"In an age of eroding masculinity, where men are depicted as weak, and blundering, and misguided, and shallow, men need to be ever more intentional to carve out time for camaraderie, for adventure, and introspection."

Immediately after which they cue the gin and tonic:


Naturally, this is a commercial, and Wilderness Collective is the Best Made Co. of package tour companies.  Yes, you too can drink effete cocktails in the woods and be safely masculine with your fellow douchebags for only $3,500 (or $2,500 without the bike rental, but there's no way that anybody who actually owns a motorcycle would ever do this):


DATE: May 2-5, 2013

DETAILS:

- $2,500 USD ($3,500 with bike rental)

- 3 Days of off-road dual sport riding through Sequoia National Forest, Kings Canyon, and Yosemite National Park

- Off the grid camping accomodations

- Gourmet cuisine

- Support vehicle

- Film crew documenting the entire adventure

- All expenses included


Or, if you're a company and you want to tap the urban douchebag market, you can sign on to become a sponsor--which is just what I'm hoping to do:


I'll let you know just as soon as I hear back.

In any case, given the sad state of the American male, it's pretty clear that this country is going to be a territory of North Korea by 2030, at which point we're going to need to be rescued by Italian women:


BITCHY TUTORIAL VOL.1 "HANDLEBAR MAINTENANCE" from GASH-ROUGE on Vimeo.

The makers of this video have requested that I put the hashtag #PEDALA somewhere, so that's exactly what I'm doing, because as an American male on the eroding edge of masculinity I will do anything they say.

94 comments:

samh said...

SCRANUS

Anonymous said...

1st?

Ian Large said...

Podium! Woohoo!
Scranus.

mikeweb said...

My Dad used to have a beard like that. And actually used an axe.

RANTWICK said...

HAH! I am like, here! Top Ten?

dcee604 said...

Top 10?!?

Anonymous said...

sunny in SF today

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Low T

500 trifireg

Anonymous said...

Damn, read it first.

Top X !!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

samh Top o' the heap -Nicely done!

Perry said...

GENTLEBROS

GENTLE BROS

GENTLE, BROS

theEel said...

weed.

db said...

I appreciate that the Kindling guys have taken the "fatherhood-is-all-about-my-childhood-issues" guys out of the co-op and into the mainstream. It was time.

johnpcapitalist said...

Even more emasculating than using a cutting board to slice smoked Gouda in the woods is the fact that the package of smoked gouda in the picture is the variety available at Costco. The same Costco that these castrated nebbishes drive their minivans to.

samh said...

Conspiracy - I wish I'd have read it first though so I could have better commented on how I actually did throw up in my mouth a little when I watched that video last week.

The King of Park Slope said...

"- Film crew documenting the entire adventure"

But of course.

thegock said...

And I was rockin the fixie!!!

Anonymous said...

I wondered what the Buzzcocks had been up to.

3G said...

I must be an outdoors man, as I LOVE going to the sporting goods store and trying on tents,

Intehl - a "meh" computer chip
27871 - Robersonville NC!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

There's a large community of Amish here in Ohio and they make great cheese. I went on a tour once in an Amish cheese factory. It was delicious. I think I'll go back when it warms up and get some gouda.

DB said...

Hey, Leroy:
Article in today's WSJ about pets eating their owners' prescription pain meds and antidepressants.
Better tighten the lids on your Rx's.
How did your dog enjoy the competition last night?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Where's babble? Maybe if we ask nice she'll make a quill stem lube video for us.

crosspalms said...

Nice to see that Go Daddy is working on handlebars now.

Comment deleted said...

After watching that handlebar maintenance video, I can only say...I'll be in muh bunk.

leroy said...

My dog claims that Cipo is his animal spirit guide and asked me to convey his thanks for clearing up yesterday's misunderstanding.

That was almost as big a misunderstanding as the time I tried to teach him to shake hands and he kept pretending that he had asked me to pull his finger.

I didn't even know dogs had fingers.

As for other things I didn't know, I thought Red Bull gave you red wings.

Comment deleted said...

Hmm, sensing a theme here today - "Gash Rouge", menstrual cup sponsorships and Cipo earning his "Red Wings".

Must be Snobby's time of the month.

babble on said...

First of all... eeeeeewwwwwwwwww. Waaay too many disturbing Cipo details.

Yuck. Cheers, Snob. I was trying to cut back a bit on the blueberries and yogurt these days, and voila! No more appetite.

Secondly: How can so many mentions of penises leave me cold? Usually just the thought of a lean, mean, muscle and member machine is enough to get my juices flowing, but hipster dads making babies? Not so much.

Thirdly. I do have a whip.

Just sayin.
Pope babble on I

Anonymous said...

Handle bar maintenance? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?



balls™

Anonymous said...

GREAT POST

I too entered the wold of bikeen campeen recently. I rode out to the woods, foraged porcinis, sizzled em up, drank alone all night, and rode home covered in sores and boners.

bikesgonewild said...

...well now...i see the reason i still have one bike with an old school 'insertion style' stem...

...& i'm betting that the lovely 'miss gash rouge' is fully qualified to handle it so i'm gonna give her a call...

...wonder if she can overhaul my bottom bracket when she's finished greasing my stem ???...

...(((captcha = pshallo 3364...urinary tract infection ???)))...

TM said...

The finished video would make an excellent piece of evidence in a future divorce case.

Your honor, we submit that party A is an insufferable douche, with whom no woman should be forced live under the same roof. As proof, we present the following video...

Maria Cipolinni said...

The extent of my masculinity is not just having a penis, although it is an absolutely massive rock-hard penis.
Furthermore, it is totally false that I had sex with those transvestite hookers.

Dale Hawkins said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dale Hawkins said...

He is an orgasm addict.

Anonymous said...

I bet there were a lot of sore sphincters and remorse after that wilderness collective trip. "I don't know Jasper, I can't remember much after that second gin and tonic but I woke up feeling a little dirty, in a good way"

DB said...

I recall a Tour de France some years back when Cipo had a Cinelli stem with Pamela Anderson's picture on it.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Wildcat Rock Machine Bro --

My dog commends your entrepeneurial spirit and wishes to help promote your product with the Wildnerness Collective.

He is short on cash, but willing to record a passage from Mr. Young's "Harvest" in a fetching falsetto:

"Dream up, dream up, let me fill your cup with the promise of a man."

I'm no expert, but that sounds like a can't miss jingle to me.

Anonymous said...

the handlebar maintenance ended up being a little disappointing given the enormous potential of the subject matter- a vintage Colagno, a beautiful Italian woman, bicycle maintenance advice...

babble on said...

Love the pron music on the bitchy tutorial, Snobby doodles.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...it's almost as if the wild was designed as a proving ground for men..."...

...that first line was a far as i could get into that video...i didn't know whether to laugh or cry when i heard that...

...son, when your life revolves around mochajavachinos (or whatever the fuck your kinda people drink) & thinking that buying artesianal axes & $600 wool sweaters to spend a weekend on a catered jaunt in the mountains means you're "...getting back to your roots..." or "...proving yourself in the wild...", well lets just say you need to dig a little deeper...

...just sayin'...

grog said...

odd. very odd.
can we get back to normal naked recumbent cyclist people?

P. Bateman said...

yep, that's what REAL men do - they make an effort to being present and listening....

for god sakes what are you big city folk doing to men?

ervgopwr said...

This is classic snob.

CIPO LOVE

Italian's are A's fans?!

First rule of Man Club: do not say or otherwise justify why what you are doing makes you manly, if you have to say it, it isn't so.

Just like when Marge asked Bart and Lisa if she was cool.

Marcel Da Chump said...

+1 Anon 1:21.
They must have formed before law school.

Anonymous said...

< Shelley, Diggle, Smith & Maher, LLP >

Heh heh....bdum bdum.....

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

When exactly did City Slickers stop being a movie and become a business plan?

Wusses!

McFly said...

I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Anonymous said...

Quick note to anyone here who doesn't know the correct way to perform stem maintenance, but it is much easier to center a stem BEFORE tightening the expander wedge.

Jeeze, if these people made actual pr0n some poor girl could end up with serious ear trauma.

mikeweb said...

If that catered camping trip company is trying to sell masculinity, manliness, etc. they sure picked the wrong narrator.

I guess Sam Elliot was too busy doing pick up truck commercials.

Anonymous said...

"Cup the nuts" video was better but this was not bad. Music sucked.

Amen and,
Scranus.

CommieCanuck said...

I could never be an artisinal father, I find beards itchy.

I always wondered what happened to this guys.

Good to see he settled his anger issues and settled down with that nice rabbit in the dress.

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez, mcfly...two days before valentines day & you're gonna sleeping out in the shed...again...

CommieCanuck said...

Big news from the world of science:

The team carried out behavioural experiments to confirm that their mice enjoy the sensation produced by a gentle but firm stroke. The animals were genetically engineered in such a way that the 'stroking' neurons could be activated by a drug injection, and in further behavioral tests for 'place preference', the mice showed a preference for the special chamber within their experimental set-up in which the injection had been given.

That chamber, you guessed it: the scranus.

Borat said...

Is it not a problem that the woman have a smaller brain than a man? The government scientist Dr. Yamuka has proved it is size of squirrel.

Borat said...

In my country we say to let a woman drive a car is like to let a monkey fly a plane, very dangerous yes.

Borat said...

You let women in cinemas here? In my country we have a pen outside for the animals and womens!

Dooth said...

I don't know 'bout ya'll, but I'm in the mood
for some Canned Heat!

General Aladeen said...

Give a man a vagina and he will shpichs for a day. Teach a man to use his hand as a vagina, and he will shpichs for a lifetime.

General Aladeen said...

I love it when women go to school. It's like seeing a monkey on roller skates. It means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I found this too....

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/hipsters-are-better-than-you-say-researchers-2013021259405

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

I've ridden motorccles since the training wheels came off my bicycle (which, at 37 years of age, was exactly 3 weeks ago). I've been on numerous long-distance trips, both on and off road in the US and Mexico. I can assure you, Snob, that you are incorrect. While I would hope with all my heart that my fellow motorcycle-riding brethren would never participate in such a trip for free, let alone at such a hefty cost, it is unfortunately true that the motorcycle subculture is no less infested with the kind of people you so affectionately call "Freds" and "Hipsters". After all, the guys from Orange County Choppers are really no better than Old Man Budnitz himself. Cranking out obnoxious, over-priced, poorly-designed contraptions that any self-respecting motorcyclist wouldn't be caught dead on. And if I had a nickel for every middle-aged biker-fred that bought a 20-thousand dollar BMW dual sport motorcycle that they then rode to Fivebucks coffee on the weekends, well, I'd probably have at least fifty cents.

Anonymous said...

Looks like your coverage has crashed their servers. Awesome!

Focus said...

If one were younger than 60. I doubt you would have time to finish a complete beer in either Coos or Curry counties before being beaten up for wearing such a sweater.

crosspalms said...

So I shoulder my axe and walk my kid to school, next thing I know I'm face down on the sidewalk and some goon in a uniform has his boot on my back. Probably ruined my sweater.

PS, for a good time, call orgetra 5209

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 3:15pm...shows ya just how smart you are...

...i'd sit back & watch miss gash rouge make the same mistake over & over & over & over...we only learn from our mistakes, ya ???...

..."...miz gash, after you loosen the stem bolt, put the little wrenchy thing down so you don't mar the finish...ya, that's good, bend all the way down & put it on the floor...ohhh ya, that's nice, ohhh that's good...now, do you remember what's next ???...
...that's right, give it a firm whack...ohhh lord, whack it again...nice...so, so nice...
...now bend over & i'll, i mean, put the hammer down, stand up & place both hands on the bar whilst holding the front wheel between your lovely dimpled knees & those soft lucious thighs...that's the way...
...you don't 'capice' too much of the english, ya ???...that's prob'ly good...
...don't worry, daddy will, i mean, bgw will help you all the way...
...now give it a twist 'til it feels, ummm, looks right & bend over & pick up that wrench thingy again & slip it into the top...
...now hold it firmly in one hand & tighten that nut, baby...
...see ???...you're such a fast learner, miz gash...we only did that, like, 8 times...
...you're ready to be certified...
...did i tell you how that works ???..."
...

...excerp from 50 shades of campagnolo...

HeelsOnWheels said...

Focus - good call. Multnomah County, however - different story, I'm afraid.

Speaking of beer:

156 Hpowork

Damn that captcha is good!

leroy said...

My dog swears he's finally going to be able to pay me the money he owes me.

He submitted a self-help article proposal to Kindling: "When life hands you The Velveteen Rabbit make Velveeta Rarebit."

I better take DB's advice and check the medicine cabinet. Lord only knows what my dog has gotten into.

Anonymous said...

Love You Lance! Will You Be My Favorite Valentine?

Buffalo Bill said...

I would like to be rescued by Italian women. please.

Vegas said...

Very nice, Wildcat.

Anon 3:09, And they didn't even have to deal with Curly.

McFly, I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogony.

286 ercoet
I am NOT fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.

Comment deleted said...

Damn, I keep forgetting how to maintain a quill stem. More study is required!

Roille Figners said...

Hey Gash-Rouge, I stopped by to learn about handlebar maintenance, but some scrawny-ass skank keeps getting in the frame. Is that a friend of yours?

Speaking of red gashes: Snob goddammit, that would be a "borse di sangue" or something like that, not a "sangue borse." Just like "bicycle thief" is "ladri di biciclette." Ask some insufferable film nerds from NYU. And grow up.
--Joan Rivers

Mikeweb, yeah the narrator's so frail and weak, he can barely talk without slurring. It's like watching Drunk History.

And what's with the "waking up wet, cold & shivering?" If that's happening, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Hey dicks maybe if you left all the gourmet shit behind, you'd have room for a TENT and SLEEPING BAG. What's that you say, you paid someone multi-thousands to outfit you for the ultimate wilderness test of your manliness? Ah, I see. Last I checked "taking charge of your own shit" and "using your brain to solve basic problems of comfort and safety" were pretty manly too. Almost as manly as those crusted brie and broccoli brochettes.

ro-EE feen-YAY

Anonymous said...

< Focus - good call >

Dutch yodelling and bampottery.

Splendid.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Top 5?
http://adf.ly/J0WhR

Fred said...

We Freds don't know much about the wilderness, but I'm pretty sure if you paid someone to drive you there, you're not in it.

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I know of several great "man camps." U.S. military basic training comes to mind as do any of many law enforcement academies and fire fighting schools. They are not artisinal but they have an interesting effect on maturity and bearing in most cases (yes I know there are exceptions).

Anonymous said...

Mr. Fred, what do "Freds" "know much about?"

Anonymous said...

By the way, it's pronounced "motor sickle", if you don't want your ass stomped by bikers that hold Fred bikers in contempt. Yamaha 650/XS bobbers rule. Screw HD and their Union Made shit.

Spence said...

No one can help you! haha Illuminati!

ken e. said...

turned the first day of the week into gold, pure gold! thanks y'all!

Oscar Madison said...

A motorcycle tour with "Off-grid camping"? Ooooh, Badass! Support vehicle! Film crew! No mention of a masseuse, though.

The only thing more insufferable than yuppie parents (the first humans ever to face the challenges of parenthood, to hear their prattle back then) is their hipster spawn.

Curly's Cousin said...

It ain't a real campin' trip without spam 'n eggs for breakfast, washed down with boiled Yuban.

bikesgonewild said...

...certain creatures in the animal kingdom eat their young for a reason unknown to man...but for a reason, nonetheless...

...just observin'...like darwin...

McFly said...

Their Young......The Other White Meat.

AD/HD said...

I'M ON THE HIIIIIIIIIGHWAAAAAAYY TO Hey look a squirrel......

Murray the cop said...

Oscars, you're sooo right!
Yuppie scum spawned those dreadful hipsters...400 dollar sweaters, please!

Anonymous said...

I thought the incorrect conclusion was that you are a media professional?

Anonymous said...

It's hilarious that the hipsters started a magazine about fatherhood before their kids can even walk. That is like a nano-fraction of the whole parenting equation. Silly hipsters, parenting magazines are for soccer moms.

-Dandy Johnson

Anonymous said...

This video made me want to see a sasquatch or Jason show up in the middle of the night and cut some artichokes in half. I never knew california now produced such a dandy varietal of douche. I feel vindicated for living in the flyover states.

Tueforg 3172

& a country boy can survive.

Anonymous said...

As someone who frequently camps and backpacks around in the Sierras, that video of the Wilderness Collective DOUCHE-BAGS really kills me. Why is this happening??? thanks Snob, I will now stay away from the internet for a month. My soul needs it....

Reggie said...

wilderness collective is like watching ira glass trying to recreate scenes from moonrise kingdom. all the matching gear is sooooo silly. new-veau douchery hit a new high/low!!

Aaron Allsop said...

If there is ever a mountain biking trip in the wilderness with Ron Swanson and all you bring is pocket knife then I will do that.

-Aaron, recently watched leadville bike race

Matt said...

You can mock them lighting a fire with a propane torch if you like but that shows a savvy camper. Real outdoorsmen know that those torches also work great for making crème brûlée.