Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Get That Wednesday Out Of Your Mouth, You Have No Idea Where It's Been!

Did you know the sea slug has a disposable penis?  It's true, I just heard it on NPR this morning.  Well, actually I heard it on the BBC via NPR, and here's the accompanying article:



Japanese researchers observed the bizarre mating behaviour in a species called Chromodoris reticulata, which is found in the Pacific Ocean.

They believe this is the first creature known that can repeatedly copulate with what they describe as a "disposable penis".

First creature that can repeatedly copulate with a disposable penis?  Uh, wrong again, science!


(Each member of the Cipollini women's cycling team receives a custom-grown disposable penis.  Here, Cipollini discusses sizing with one of his riders.)

I think it's sick that taxpayer money goes to funding radio broadcasts about slug penises, and I think it's even sicker that the government is trying to take my Second Amendment rights away so I can't shoot at the radio in disgust.  See, in England they don't have a Second Amendment, and that's why their media is full of stories about slug dicks and cricket balls:


I guess it's true what they say: The sun never sets on the British Empire's insatiable appetite for bug porn.

In other news of government run amok, here in New York City these insidious things called "bike lanes" are robbing us of our God-given right to drive our cars on every inch of pavement.  Bike lanes come from Europe, which is reason enough to hate them.  I mean, didn't we fight a war against Europe?  Fortunately though we probably won't have to deal with this stupid bike lane thing for much longer, since there doesn't seem to be a single mayoral candidate who will express support for them:


Basically, if you're a New York City cyclist, it looks like you're going to have three choices:

1) Vote for a candidate who will swiftly remove all the bike lanes;
2) Vote for a candidate who will pull them out slowly one by one, like toenails in a CIA interrogation;
3) Vote for a candidate who will basically ignore them and let the bike infrastructure gradually wither and die.

Of course, when announcing you're going to remove bike lanes, it's important to point out that you're an "avid bike rider:"


John C. Liu, the city’s comptroller and a likely Democratic candidate for mayor, said in a phone interview that removing existing lanes would be “a likely scenario in some parts of the city,” particularly in Brooklyn and Queens, if he succeeded Mr. Bloomberg.

While calling himself “an avid bike rider,” Mr. Liu expressed skepticism about the polling numbers on bikes. “It depends who’s doing the poll,” he said. “I don’t recall any opponents of bike lanes conducting any polls.”


John C. Liu is an avid bike rider like President Obama is an avid skeet shooter.

Also, make sure to have a shaky reason for removing the bike lanes:

Joseph J. Lhota, the former chairman of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority and a Republican candidate for mayor, also said he “could see” removing lanes that he deemed problematic. He noted that some bus drivers along the B63 route in Park Slope, Brooklyn, had complained about the perils of sharing space with bike riders.

Wait, the bus drivers are afraid of the cyclists?  What are they worried about, that their bikes might scratch the buses when they run over the cyclists?

Most importantly, don't forget to call the bike lanes "controversial," even when the majority of New Yorkers are in favor of them:

In her remarks to WNYC, Ms. Quinn called the city’s lanes “clearly controversial,” and said that some had been constructed “without consultation with communities and community boards.”

Oh, and once again, always remember to point out that you support cycling and that you ride a bike, even if you only do it rarely and in another state:

Ms. Quinn also said she supported cycling in general, and rode occasionally near her weekend home in New Jersey. “My district is crazy for bike lanes,” she said.

"Rode occasionally" means that somewhere in the garage she's pretty sure there's a bicycle, though it was already there when she moved in.  By the way, Mayor Bloomberg gets a lot of crap for fleeing to Bermuda every chance he gets, but at least I can understand the temptation.  On the other hand, you have to really hate New York City if you'd rather spend the weekends in New Jersey.

Still, it's a good thing the end of the bike lanes is nigh, because if things keep going the way they are then one day drivers might actually get in trouble for driving onto the sidewalk and hitting old people:


Now that would be a shame.

The saddest part of all of this is that most cyclists won't notice when their infrastructure is yanked out from under them anyway, since they're so busy "foffing off" over Strava:


Not all Strava badges are equal. One of the most desired is attached to Harlem Hill, a notoriously steep incline in New York's Central Park. About 3,350 Strava users have raced Harlem Hill a combined total of about 90,000 times, making a minor celebrity of Chad Butts, a local cycling coach who has held the Harlem Hill KOM since June 2011. "I hear about it a lot—more than I thought it would," says Butts, 33. If someone dethroned him, he adds, "I would go back to reclaim it."

Actually, Harlem Hill isn't really that steep, it just has the misfortune of being an incline in Central Park, which probably boasts the highest concentration of crabon bikes in the known universe.  Therefore, being the biggest hill in Central Park is like being the most attractive woman in a bar in Midtown, except instead of getting pawed at by frat boys and insurance brokers it's constantly molested by Freds.

By the way, if you're tired of foffing off furtively to Strava and instead want to share your depraved dorkiness with the world, then be sure to invest in the new "Segment Hunter" t-shirt:



I had two questions while watching this video.  The first was, "What year is this?"


And the second was, "While it may be possible for this person to reclaim his Strava segment record, can he ever reclaim his dignity?"


These questions are obviously rhetorical.  Everybody knows Grand Rapids, MI exists exactly 10 years in the past, and everybody also knows that dignity is fully incompatible with aerobars.

Lastly, yesterday I mentioned the "Wilderness Collective," and now it appears that they don't want their video on my blog anymore:


Evidently their disdain for our "age of eroding masculinity" does not extend to letting people make fun of their video on the Internet.  And speaking of masculinity, I wonder if they'd let this guy accompany them on their next wilderness wine and cheese adventure:

You saw me traveling on my bike. You admired me- all dirty and handsome. With half a traffic cone on the back of my bike. Do these things REALLY work out? Find out... POOF!

Is that half a traffic cone on your bike, or are you just happy to see us?

90 comments:

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

Anonymous said...

Blood Bag!

theEel said...

weed!!!

McFly said...

Wednesday Yo......

Anonymous said...

SLUG DICK

JB said...

Smugness.robot.

Anonymous said...

whats to keep me from slaying strava records on a 1/4 horse moped?

why do I constantly make fun of strava even though I am not sure what it is?

FRED KING

Anonymous said...

ooh.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

Disposable penis or detachable?

My hunnee bunnee saw the aftermath of that accident in front of Saks 5th ave. Yeah, she goes to Saks a lot... usually without my credit card though

Anonymous said...

Top ten for once?

Anonymous said...

My code to post this comment to prove I'm not a robot:

9229 njoilsor

Anonymous said...

Dude, “You Lost Your KOM”.

Comment deleted said...

Slug penis? Isn't that the game you play with your brother, in which if you see a penis, you shout "Slug penis!" and hit him hard in the arm?

hnolmst 1732 said...

I kind of miss the old days, when the objects of Snob's scorn would often show up here, full of piss and vinegar, and delight us with evidence that Snob had them nailed from the start. But I don't miss them that much. Has the general population of the interwebs gotten a clue about satire, or have they just figured out they won't win?

By the way, whatever happened to the Opinionated Cyclist?

Anonymous said...

I enjoy Strava. The social aspect of seeing people your friends' rides is cool, seeing routes, as well as the topographical, speed, mileage, and calorie data.

Obsessive--sometimes dangerous-segment hunting aside, it poses an interested contrast to the myopia of the bicycle lane haters.

babble on said...

DA Babe!!

Anonymous said...

Love You Lance! Do you want to have dinner tomorrow night?

crosspalms said...

Poof?

That's Mister Bender to you, meatbag. said...

Bite my shiny metal ass!

babble on said...

But I like it in my mouth!! Who cares where it's been?

Anonymous said...

the bike lane protest thing never ceases to amaze me. If you want safer and more walkable streets have less cars not bikes. Cars are way more annoying and dangerous than cyclists and in a city with one of the most comprehensive and inexpensive mass transit systems in the world why are 70% of the vehicles on the street taxi cabs? because New York has a huge amount of selfish lazy pricks that can't be bothered to walk 50 feet to the nearest subway or are too precious to rub elbows with the masses. yes, I'm sure there are some minor inconveniences to bike lanes but only to the assholes who are taking a cab 10 blocks. in a city with real problems (crime, a weak economy, crumbling infrastructure a deteriorating public school system) the fact that bike lanes is even on the agenda is embarrassing. I'm beside myself with anger wildcat.

The Disposable Penii said...

What's Up? Not us. We are feeling sluggish. C'mon Babs get to work, these Knobs aren't going to polish themselves.

Anonymous said...

I just realized my diatribe followed "I like it in my mouth". Sorry to ruin the mood.

Maintenance Worker said...


With stem maintenance being so cheap and fun for everyone involved, why would a species develop disposable ones? Just more conspicuous consumption, if you ask me.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

STRAVASTRONG

The King of Park Slope said...

Is there a strava record for picking up MILFs at Whole Foods and doubling them home on my top tube?

McFly said...

Rule #60// Ditch the nuts and valve-stem caps.

The nuts are disposable, too. Don't forget about the nuts.

Nate Cavalieri said...

This uses the same interiors as a porn I recently saw.

Anonymous said...

Wilderness Collective - what a bunch of slug dicks...

DB said...

Since we're having a bitch-fest today, I must protest the IOC for dropping wrestling from the Olympics. It's the only the only thing Iowa is really good at. (Sorry for ending the sentence with a preposition)

Comment deleted said...

Sooper-secrit-master-posting tip: you don't have to type the number.

Anonymous said...

But if they close the bike lanes in Midtown and UWS, what will Fresh Direct delivery guys, pied a terre moms with strollers, and joggers with persecution complexes use instead of the sidewalk?

It would be nice if the cops actually did something about drivers who kill people, but you are dealing with NYPD. I just got a callback from an officer regarding an assault that happened in front of my building almost three months ago.

It's kinda depressing realizing that people like Christine Quinn, who are supposedly progressive liberals, aren't even on your side. I bet some stupid guy on a bike made her late to a meeting when she couldn't make a left turn on the yellow.

Does she mention her weekend home in NJ to just twist the knife a little, or does being a powerful person really make you that clueless?

Anonymous said...

tonrmid
hey it woiked!

Frilly Chick said...

Agree 100% DB! Keep synchronized swimming, but get rid of Greco Roman wrestling? Really?

Okay, NYC, at least you have bike lanes to argue about. We have a total of three.

No Strava please! As if constantly getting dropped wasn't enough confirmation that I suck ass on a bike.

Anonymous said...

KING MSSL
DSPO PEEN

wishiwasmerckx said...

Speaking of car/bike lane conflicts, in the state where I live a cyclist in the bike lane was struck and seriously injured by a car turning right without looking.

The driver's insurer is refusing to pay on the theory that the cyclist was obligated to come to a complete stop in the bike lane at the point where adjacent traffic was backed up for the traffic light, and because the cyclist had proceeded forward in the unimpeded bike lane, the cyclist was at fault.

Anonymous said...

Harlem Hill is raced in the big ring. It's a pussy hill.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wilderness Slug Collective

Buffalo Bill said...

Dirty and handsome.
Who else does that describe?

leroy said...

Well now if that don't beat all.

I guess it was just a matter of time before someone figured out that King Missle's "Detachable Penis" could also be disposable.

leroy said...

My dog informs me that mikeweb was way ahead of me. As usual.

paulb said...

Anonymous, Re Christine Quinn a supposedly progressive liberal:

What Murray Kempton wrote long ago: "they are persons seasoned by long numbings of their moral sensibility into exempting themselves from ordinary rules for decency."

Ivana Gethumdfrmbak said...

In Mother Russia we have zimple name for dis Greco-Roman Wrestling...it called FOREPLAY.

paulb said...

P.S. Murray Kempton got around the city by bike.

Tweed said...

What state or metro is that?

wishiwasmerckx said...

I have nothing to add to the dialogue, but my anti-robot code word is "ckgpjew."

As it contains the word "Jew," it is either a message from above, or else Snob's robot troll is anti-Semitic.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Cheap Jewboy?

Dickless said...

A disposable penis is one way to lose an erection.

Anonymous said...

Rides occasionally near her weekend home in New Jersey : cycling :: Girlfriend in Canada : high school dating

grog said...

Is that a disposable half traffic cone?
Oh babe.

DB said...

Speaking of bike lanes......
Nah, we don't have them here. I see the Princeton Review Best Party School ratings are out and the winner is?
Ohio University?
Really?

Anonymous said...

That poor bastard only has half a traffic cone? Well, good luck Buddy. Maybe you should consider that what you took for admiration might have been something else...

babble on said...

Kiss this.

Anonymous said...

"Armstrong's Strava page bears in the profile-photograph space the image of a cannon above the words, 'Come and Take It.'"

Cipollini has already filed suit for trademark infringement.

All The Black People In Portland said...

Yeah, those "steep" inclines in Central Park are fucking brutal...

I don't "do" Strava but it would be interesting to see if anyone is gunning for the various northern Manhattan climbs, which ARE pretty steep, if not long, in parts--

* Fort George Hill

* Fairview Ave

* Overlook Terrace zig-zag from B'way to the Cloisters

* W. 187th Street (one way in wrong direction but fuck it, that's the least of all crimes going on there)

* Also West. Kingsbridge Road for people not afraid of the Bronx

etc etc

babble on said...

so big balls = lotsa dolls?

Anonymous said...

Is that Robs Fords behind the crashed ford escape? I can't believe he's going after elderly pedestrians now.

Anonymous said...

npr is no longer funded by the government.ie

babble on said...

Did you know that dolphins have prehensile penises and they gang rape? Here are Ten reasons dolphins are assholes."

P. Bateman said...

poor wilderness collective. it would seem that their homoerotic tale of adventure and self discovery has garnered a lot of attention - though maybe not the attention they were seeking. There seems to have been a collective "bitch slapping" of their ultra smooth, straight razor shaved faces by the many hands of the internets. In particular, some pretty funny ones by fee-male writers that essentially call them pussies. I tend to agree, they are exhibiting pussy like behavior. Either that, or they've removed their penises.

BikeSnobNYC said...

All The Black People In Portland,

I don't "do" Strava either but a quick G__gle search indicates yes.

--Wildcat Rock Macine

Anonymous said...

Bike's Nob
Just go marry Mario for F's sake
A masculine man should NAY speak of another man's apparatus so frequently.


All due respect

Anonymous said...

Can someone please make a joke about dethroning Butts? I can't think of one.

Roille Figners said...

HEY, WHO'S THE CUNT TEARING OUT ALL THE BIKE LANES?!?! What's that, he's an avid cyclist? Oh, that's perfectly fine then.

Also see "I'm not a racist" (right before saying something totally racist)
Also see "We must defend our freedom" (right before taking away someone's freedom)
Also see "God is on our side/it is the will of Allah/etc" (right before committing all manner of murders and ungodly atrocities)

Hint: None of them are coincidences.




You know, I thought about the Wilderness Douches some more and realized, they actually chose the PERFECT narrator -- to nail their target demographic. Because when you're a wealthy urban douche wondering where your masculinity went, you're going to respond positively to someone like yourself. Someone actually masculine talking at you is just going to scare you away.




Greco-Roman wrestling: One of the few things in the Olympics that was actually done in the original Olympics, and they're dropping it?

ro-EE or maybe it's rwa-EE-yuh feen-YAY

babble on said...

rollie ++

also: My parents hit me and I turned out ok, so it's ok to hit my kids...

burns me up every time

kssshar 7241

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Wait.

Oh. My. Gawd.

Those putzes actually did start a campfire with a propane torch? The bloody hell! I thought Snob was artfully exaggerating again. I'm just glad I had the good sense to not watch the video while it was available.



Say, you don't suppose that was an Onion-level parody, do you? I'd like to think so. Otherwise, I'm gonna hafta go finish off that bottle of whiskey in the cupboard and start a fresh one.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...ahhh, this the dolphin support group ???...great, ummm, hi, my names bob & i'm a bottlenose...

...i'd like to go on record as saying that i'm not trying to be some kind of sea-going asshole but in part, it's in my dna & honestly, my environment plays into this as well...

...lookit sharks...everybody sees those guys as vicous predators striking fear into hearts & other than a few orcas, who obviously have their own issues, nobody fucks with 'em...

......now lookit us...cutesy, cutesy, playful little dolphins...jeez...

...it's a big, nasty ocean out there & you think it's easy to survive with our goody, goody reputations ???...no fucking way...

...so, ya...sometimes ya play a little rough with the bitches, ya maybe try n' slip the 'prehensile penis' into some bikini clad tourist chick but, hey, it's all good...

...btw...'prehensile penis'...bwahahaha !!!...who came up with that name, a marine biologist ???...

...& hey, it might not be all that big but you're talkin' about a lean, mean, porpoise pussy, ploughin' machine, ya ???...

...anyway, you start lookin' around the ocean & you spot the humongous tallywacker on my long lost cousin the sperm whale & you're suddenly wanting to fuck everything in sight just so you don't feel inadequate, ya ???...

...well, it's survival of the fittest out here & i'm bob the bottlenose & i'm just sayin'..."
...

...(side note from bgw - i'm glad i found this taped interview 'cuz it's always good to get different perspectives, ya ???)...

Jimboner said...

Back from 5 days of Carnival in Rio and yes my penis looks like half of a detachable traffic cone.

Anonymous said...

I clicked on a line that said"69 Comments" and it brought me here. I dont' see any comments about 69 at all.

Aaron Allsop said...

I can't believe that I just read an article about a disposable penis. I can't even believe that I just made a comment with the words disposable penis in them.

-Aaron, recently watched leadville bike race

Vegas said...

Homerun, Snob.
Hay, Lance, there's no drug testing in professional wrestling.

Rollie, you really hit the dolphin on the nose with that one.

BR 531 I love your late realization. I gritted my teeth and watched the entire vid. Everything that you could make up in your head that would make a trip "Least Rugged and Manly Trip Ever" was in there. Especially choking was when the narrator claimed "it was NOT about adventure for adventure's sake" which it clearly, totally, absolutely, unequivocally was.

One of my X's bought us an ATV excursion for my birthday one year, and it was great fun, but I didn't claim that it made either of us more masculine. haha. Although I did ditch her in the beginner group, but I'd argue that's more "assholey" than "manly." But since she said I could it was probably neither.

I have friends that ride motos, and they ride that 300+mi in one day, and they don't pay pro chefs, bartenders, guides, mechanics, videographers, and gentle-tent-shaking-as-alarm-clock guys to follow them around doing all the real work, while they unload a few tents outta the back of a pickup and claim that it's "taking charge" and "not tame or safe."

Anonymous said...

Who rides in these silly bike lanes besides clueless suburban transplants and rent-a-tourists?

Rip 'em out. I'll keep riding in the street where bikes belong. Fuck JSK and her little boss.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 8:23pm,

Is this John Liu?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Ulrike Meinhof said...

If one sets a car on fire, that is a criminal offence. If one sets hundreds of cars on fire, that is political action.

Mike's no artisan said...

Wilderness Collective? Are they sponsored by Exxon?

Colour me impressed at the gall they have to use the word wildernes in their name and pristine in their narrative.

Travelling on motor bikes supported by a 4x4 sag wagon delivering artisanal food and their matchy-matchy sleeping and cooking and rain gear polluting every put-put mile of the way...

... they didn't show an artisanal axe being used but you just gotta know there was one packed in the truck along with the artisanal stroke cream.

wankers.

Anonymous said...

Cuntastic!

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R2zvE615dM

Anonymous said...

Is there a Jeff Foxworthy of hipster culture?

You know you're a hipster when...

- you need a blowtorch to light a fire. In a fireplace.
- you line up your matching pup tents in a row and wear matching outfits like you're recreating Wes Anderson's greatest hits. Only, it's 'real' life.
- your castrated voice makes NPR personalities sound like Andre the Giant.
- you use "Kindling" the magazine as actual kindling.
- you have to write a manifesto to go camping.
- you decide on gin and tonics, cuz Bradley's idea of mojitos was too girly.
- you film the entire thing.

-Dandy Johnson

Sarah MacAdams said...

wow great to know that but i was looking for cabs service for rent if you have any information about that plz reply me

Stupid Cupid said...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ALL!!!

(Don't forget to prove your love by going down a little extra longer and a little extra harder, nothing says I LOVE YOU like head in the morning)

Anonymous said...

Valentine's...the most depressing day of the year. Depressing if you are single and depressing if you are in a relationship because you are thinking of all the hot, single lonely girls you could hook up with.

Anonymous said...

S.ingle's A.wareness D.ay

Anonymous said...

Sara McCadams,

Do you date immature men? Will you be my Valentine? You look like you could use a good titty-fuckin'. I mean damn you got those wide coverage stray-streamer glasses on..

JB said...

Nobody mentioned that yesterday was international crotch grooming day.

Anonymous said...

All penises are disposable. Some more than others. Panties!

Anonymous said...

It's an entire traffic cone--lilliputian, that is.

Dooth said...

JB, omg!!! I'm not kidding: I dreamt last night I was shaving my crotch! FTW.

9304 doperYO

Anonymous said...

1032 weengalo

Natalie Kurz said...

Reminds me of one of my favorite weird 90's songs. They only played it on the radio late at night!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYwiwbgMusY