*[This is where you tell me to get a recumbent, causing me to vomit.]
Scarier still is that the pernicious effects of years of cycling don't stop with the body, and it can also atrophy the brain. Remember the cyclist in "Triplets of Belleville," a pair of quads with an extraneous Gumbylike body attached?
Well, the same thing can happen to your mind, and I'm here to tell you it's happened to me. I've been a messenger. I've been a racer. I've been a commuter. I know how to get around the city on a bike. Take that bike away though and I'm a rube, as hapless as a tourist. This is because my bikeless decision-making skills have withered through years of disuse, which I finally faced yesterday when I had an appointment in Manhattan, ventured there without a bike, and kept getting hit with the "stupid tax."
While my new mansion is quite convenient to the subway, once in awhile I like to "class it up" by taking a shower and riding the Metro North commuter train. Unfortunately, it turns out that when you take me off a bike and put me on rails I turn into an idiot. Arriving in Grand Central, I thought "I should pick up a Metro North bike permit," which I did. After purchasing it, I discovered that the Long Island Rail Road bike permit I already had is good for the Metro North too, and indeed they're the exact same permit, and in fact my LIRR permit says "Metro North" on it in really big letters, which I noticed when I put my new Metro North pass in my wallet and there was one exactly like it already there. So essentially, I paid a stupid tax of five dollars.
Stupid Tax #1: $5
[I'm actually into the MTA for at least $15 in bike passes at this point, since I ripped up my last LIRR bike permit and threw it in a fit of pique when a conductor tossed me off the train somewhere around Hampton Bays for bringing a bicycle on a peak train. I was too angry to think about it at the time, but it was obviously my fault for boarding the wrong train, and as I showered the train car with confetti I probably looked like a more Fredly Rip Taylor. However, that loss happened in a different fiscal year so it doesn't count.]
Next, I went somewhere to do some stuff before my appointment, and then I got caught up in that stuff and realized I was going to be late for my appointment, and because I was running late and I'm a member of the 1% I said "fuck it" and hailed a taxicab, and then I got in the taxicab and told the driver where to go, and then I got wrapped up in a phone call like a douchebag, and then we got to my destination, I got out, and the driver pulled away, at which point I realized I had given him the wrong intersection and was now over four crosstown blocks away from where I needed to be--nearly as far, in fact, as I had been when I hailed the taxicab in the first place, rendering the entire ride moot.
Stupid Tax #2: $7
By the way, I realize what that sounds like, but my appointment was not at a questionable massage parlor.
After my appointment, I bought lunch, and only after opening and drinking from my Snapple did I realize I had bought the diet by accident. Disgusting. I don't even know how much the Snapple cost because I'm a member of the 1% and don't pay attention to that stuff, but it was midtown so let's just say it was $1.75--and I'm not the kind of person who tops a Snapple back up with water, pretends never to have opened it, and asks to exchange it.
Stupid Tax #3: $1.75
Sure, you might argue I'd have paid that stupid tax whether I rode or I didn't, but I suspect the reason for the error was that I'd already been rattled by my previous errors and that my judgment was impaired.
TOTAL STUPID TAX: $13.75
Sure, that may not sound like a lot, but over time it starts to add up. Also, that doesn't even factor in train fare, or all the other stupid taxes I pay without even realizing it because I'm too stupid to notice. Essentially, it cost me at least $26 not to ride my bike yesterday, and I'm deeply unsettled by the fact that without a bicycle I'm merely a moronic crab that constantly leaks small amounts of money.
Then again, when I was younger I paid stupid tax even for riding a bicycle. For example, I actually bought a pair of Ksyriums when they first came out. They cost me pretty much all the money I had, and I think they lasted about a year. Plus, I'm saving a huge amount of stupid tax by no longer living in Brooklyn, where the marginal stupid tax rate is something like 75%. (Coming soon: luxury condos on the Gowanus! Watch dolphins die from your Juliet balcony!) So I guess stupid tax is all relative. In any case, as a card-carrying member of the 1% (my card is a million dollar bill), I blame Obama.
Speaking of shakedowns, various non-ironic cyclocross world championship races are taking place in Louisville through the weekend, and apparently USA Cycling is requiring pit volunteers for the masters racers to buy $60 racing licenses:
I'm not really up on the rules so I have no idea if this the way it's always been. I did check both the USA Cycling and UCI rulebooks, and I didn't find anything on the subject in the 45 seconds before I fell asleep. Nevertheless, I'm not sure why you need a USA Cycling license to hand somebody a bike, though maybe the plan is to subject the pit crew to doping tests, which would probably result in a lot of suspensions. I did find this in the USA Cycling rulebook, though:
1E3. Road Downgrades
(a) A rider who wishes to downgrade may request a
downgrade online. Such requests will be evaluated
individually.
(b) In no case will a rider be allowed to downgrade to
category 5.
That is really going to put a damper on my racing plans for 2014, which I've already dubbed "Operation Sandbag." I guess my only alternative at this point is to establish another identity complete with social security number, passport, and so forth, and use that to get a Cat 5 license. Then again, there's always the ultimate downgrade, which is Cat 6 racing, and USA Cycling doesn't require a license for that...yet.
Actually, if you think about it, USA Cycling has a lot in common with the Hasidic Modesty Squads of Brooklyn, in that both shake down insular groups of people who wear strange clothes:
The Brooklyn shopkeeper was already home for the night when her phone rang: a man who said he was from a neighborhood “modesty committee” was concerned that the mannequins in her store’s window, used to display women’s clothing, might inadvertently arouse passing men and boys.
I don't have to tell you what a turn-on mannequins clad in long, drab clothing can be, which is why you'll often find large groups of men and boys pleasuring themselves in front of these sorts of storefronts. Yes, things can get pretty steamy in the Hasidic part of town:
But many Hasidim say they have seen or heard how a shadowy group of men seeks to pressure parents to rein in children who wear dresses too short or stockings too thin, or who chat on cellphones with friends of the opposite sex. One family reported being harassed because the wife had stepped outdoors with a robelike housecoat rather than a long dress.
I'll never forget the day Mrs. Margolis stepped outside in her robelike housecoat. It was easily the most erotic experience of my life. Just thinking about what lay beneath that housecoat (specifically, a body that had squeezed out eleven children) still makes my payos stand on end.
By the way, like the Hasidim, I also deny that I am part of this so-called "squad of enforcers:"
But Hasidim interviewed said squads of enforcers did exist in wildcat form.
Though I do think Modesty Squad would be a good name for one of those '80s-style ska/hardcore bands. They could open for Operation Sandbag. I'd imagine more people would go see that show than will watch the Tour de France this year. Really, given all the controversy I'm surprised the organizers haven't just given up at this point. It's clear from the promotional materials that they're just phoning it in anyway:
Sadly they've been forced to resort to stock photography since there's not a single Tour de France rider who hasn't been implicated in a drug scandal.
Lastly, yesterday I was also talking about the apocalypse, and I'm pleased to report I recently received a promotional email from a company that's already betting we're going to revert to the barter system:
I’m thrilled to be letting you know we're actually launching TIMEREPUBLIK, the first online, non-monetary based community where people exchange services, each offering his or her own skills in exchange for time you can use to get something else done.
Before the Internet, that was called "family and friends."
129 comments:
Straeberry Jam up your wazoo
AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!
Hey I'm to high to type ...
so close
Poop
damn robot checker
Top10
exhale
top 10?
Top 10
KNEEL BEFORE ZOD. keep getting 11th lately, or at least the opportunity to be eleventh.
Triplets de Belleville--now that is one freaky weird little movie. Although I kinda liked the music.
yesterday babble wrote ...
" I have been known to accommodate a penis quite nicely."
babble. What is your position re otic penis intercourse? Fur or Agin?
acefugg 1210
wierdness
Washingtonian Wednesday Weed
Followed by elevensies.
Keep an eye on that Bret. He's bound to slip up at some point. You can't keep sneaking around back to the future and tampering with the A-B bottles whenever the situation warrants and expect to get away with it forever.
When I see people outside in a house robe it always looks like they escaped a Nervous Hospital.
"Don't mind me sonny, i am just getting the paper."
Right, before the monsters do.
Early bird
top 20 !
eat more greens.
Bloop!
I am so grateful that there are roving squads of Hasidim protecting me from inadvertent arousal.
5HASIDM BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE EM
I'd like to see the modesty squad have a go at me!
Does couch potato, tv watching, bike blog reading. foffing off'rs count as a skill? I'm in, according to my cat. With apologies to Leroy's dog, of course
ridsmf 247 Didn't want to podium, wanted to be smug and read the blog
Yes! Gained time on rct today!
Dang, didn't see he already crossed the line...
I think McFly is really Jim Gaffigan in disguise.
Well now this is odd, my dog claims to have bought a Metro North bike permit on Craigslist from a Mr. Wildcat Rock Machine.
Hope he didn't over pay.
pink inadvertent scranus arousal inspector canoe?
balls™
Snob,
For an example of getting from one place to another in style and ease, see babbles last post. Well, perhaps minus the funny looking folding bike. Sorry babs.
239 finalwar?? Yeesh, the robot detector seems to be getting all rapture-y here.
Babble, i'm sure the modesty squad would like to have a go at you. top whatever.
$13.75 sucks but still way better than humiliating yourself on a folding bike. Have you back-burnered that terrible idea?
Here in the "Oh so Deep South Bible Belt it's not even flyover country" we have "Hasidic Modesty Squads". But they are not Hasidic. They are called WIves. As I'm hiding from mine reading BSNYC, dressed up in my Fredly outfit, waiting for the rain and tornadoes to pass thru so I can ride.
there is nothing like the strength a great religion gives you.
BULL SHIT
4066 offsixl
Well, it would help if you had any friends. Or family that will take your call.
fofbot text: hlylof 13083
entered: hlylof 18083
ta da!
this guy is funny:
http://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/hamill-hate-bike-lanes-article-1.1250744
Your bike permit has been ripped?
It's been torn? Your mug shot will be posted for littering.
Rip Torn Mug Shot
SNOB RTMS
WCRM BABE
Highly highly HIGHly recommend Beyond the Pale.
My stupidity tax comes in the form of monthly payments and a 17% interest rate.
I called up to volunteer for the modesty squad assigned to Babble, but they said that roster had filled up an hour ago. Oh well, maybe next time.
snob, thought you may be interested to see bret continues to make the rounds...
http://triathlon.competitor.com/
Babs, it's cute the way you make car-style right-turn hand signals.
Must be pretty cool to have your own videographer for chicken soup runs.
I'm guessing it's the same guy who maintains your pink canoe.
It IS a funny-looking bike! The silver lining is that you make a lot of friends when you ride it. Oh, yeah, and you don't have to buy a pass to take it on transit with you.
But you can forget going any speed remotely resembling fast.
CD - yep. He's mighty handy, that one. He also solved my Budnitzing problem. Remember the tick every three and half pedal strokes? It was a faulty link on my chain.
I fell in love with him the day he fixed my flat-iron. I don't use the flat-iron any more, but I sure am happy with the man.
As is my pink canoe!
McFly, I highly, highly recommend Procol Harum's "A Whiter Shade of Pale."
Pervis - Qu'est-ce que le fuck is otic penis intercourse? I am tempted to say I'm all for it, because I see the words Penis and intercourse all in the same sentence, but first I have to plead stupidity.
Snowday! Shut down the office at noon. Had to shovel 7 inches off the driveway to get the car in the garage.
Now it's time to put the bike on the trainer and watch some porn with a Hamm's in the bottle cage.
I see that Velo News is recommending paraffin for chain lubrication. Pedro's isn't going to be too happy.
Great post today.
Babble on, please allow me to help out. "Otic" refers to your ear pussy, not to the pink canoe.
PS - cgdiscu 1031. Wasn't he a Romanian dictator?
Lemme guess. Velo News raised their ad rates, Pedro's said oh well, guess we'll buy a smaller ad. And so on.
Me EAR pussy? Erm... it would never fit.
Crosspalms: looks like a bus day coming up. Minus 9 tomorrow evening.
Damn perverts, talking about aural sex again...
Top Fitty, still coughin up lung cookies from last week. A couple years ago I was taking the train 15mi to work and bikeen the last 5 mi. It was just as stupid taxing as driving though, and that's if I bought the monthly pass instead of the weekly. It was a bit more enjoyable commuting in a slightly larger sardine can, that someone else was piloting.
367 emanama
Is that an Eminem/Bananarama collabo?
Of course I've had it in the ear before.
Besides, didn't your mama tell you you're not supposed to stick anything bigger than your elbow in your ear?
People suck.
CD, smaller?
Hung like a Q-tip
JB, I think you're right, but do you really want to go sticking elbow-plus-sized things in your ear?
Hey Vegas, I've been thinking about you! How'd you do last week?
every time you buy a snapple, you pay a stupid tax
Bikes before taxes.
The only uptown Metro North station is at 125th st, Harlem...wow, you did move to the Boogie Down Bronx.
JB - Thank you. Yes, I do suck,as often as I can, and I've been told I am quite good at it.
I thought aural sex was when you tell each other dirty stories as you're doing it. THAT's always fun.
@McFly, most definitely. You'd also probably like Louis CK, unless you do already.
@anon 1:49, that's mine also.
http://www.art.com/products/p15064144007-sa-i6861559/charles-barsotti-i-m-cutting-you-off-pal-you-ve-had-enough-snapple-new-yorker-cartoon.htm?sorig=cat&sorigid=704688&dimvals=5420502-704688&ui=057c5f9368f64737a43c6a0740ba9f13
Hey Frilly Cheek! Uh I mean Chick! Last week I was sick as a dog (no offense to Leroy's best friend) so I'm not sure wut I was supposed to be doin?
My guess is that the modesty squad is comprised of group of adolescent hasidim who are monitored by several adults, or one tattler in the group who tells the adults.
If the guys (not goy) make any lewd comments about what they see on the street, the squad swings into action and issues an advisory to the offending party.
I do love a crabby complaining blog. Makes my own life seem rather grand.
LIRR bike permit? For those not au fait with Americanese does that stand for Lowracer Individual Recumbent Ride?
bostic 6821
I bet the Hasidic Gansta Squad wouldn't mess with Leroy's dog if they saw him looking in the window.
As a former adolescent, I can assure the testosterone deficient among you that almost any female figure (two or three dimensional abstract or explicit) can arouse the purient interests of a healthy male.
That doesn't necessarily result in a wankfest and definitely not on a public street. But I'm not from NYC, so what do I know.
The Dolphin died? Where is Chesley Sullenberger when a dolphin needs him?
I love those full length dresses that cover everything from ankle to neck. Especially the ones with lots and lots of buttons that run up and down the front of the dress, which can unbuttoned at leisure for ventilation and/or exposure, as necessary.
Of course, I also prefer endurance events to sprints.
Anonymous 3:13pm,
I moved to the Bronx, but not the part that boogies down.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
I admire the way WCRM/RTMS stays out of ear pussy discussions.
I thought you were racing at cx nats. Oops.
No no no, I'm not sure how you mixed it up, I'm coming to CX WORLDS, this weekend, and I'm bunking at your place!
As a former copy editor, I'd probably enjoy CX Worlds. Page 2 of the NYTimes is a pleasure. Here's a recent example:
The Media Equation column on Monday, about the animated comedy show “South Park” and its creators, misstated a plot point in the show. While the character Kenny was once killed in every episode, that is no longer the case. The column also misstated the circumstances of his repeated deaths. While Kenny met his fate in a variety of ways over the years, he was not routinely “ritually sacrificed.”
CD - he probably stays well away from ear pussy sex, too.
...fuck commenting...my scranus needs a 'selle italia' massage...
...sunshine, blue sky, i'm gone...
DB,
I don't think the forecast is that cold here, but yesterday (rain, 60 degrees, headwind -- actually facewind) and today (started at 40 and raining, and another damn facewind cause it shifted overnight, now it's 30 and snowing) are challenging my wardrobe. By the time I dry out it's time to get back on the bike...
WCRM,
My stupid tax (one of them, anyway) is a pair of brake levers in the basement. I bought a Dove-type bar, slid the stem on, glued on cork grips, then the next day admired my glue job, looked at the levers and realized I should have slid them on before the grips.
Modesty Squad. I'd watch.
Yes, but what about the nose pussy?
Vegas, you sure ain't in Vegas if you commute by train. Public transport in Vegas is a JOKE, and there certainly aren't any commuter trains...unless, of course, you mean that you spend your days riding the useless, strip-adjacent monorail?
Dear modesty squad, could you please get Leroy's dog to stop humping my leg?
aaand...Frilly's sweet cheek has been pilfered again. Score another point for the (Google) Modesty Squad.
I recommend an early morning ride down the Grand Concourse starting at Mosholu Parkway. It has a bike lane! The lane ends at 161 St, Yankee Stadium. Take 161 St around the stadium to Jerome Ave. Make a left at 167 St and you're on another bike lane, a nice long hill which flattens out by the University Ave bridge. University Ave will take back north, also a bike lane. Eventually, you'll have to ride out to City Island, Orchard Beach.
LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS LANCE!!!!
Frilly, love the lacy laciness!
cumnts 1718...only if I can be on top!
Mr. Mayor, I had to take leave of the Silver State and return to the Golden one a few years ago. My fondness for vegetation and real mountain bike trails outweighed my fondness for cactus and heavy drinking. The only "public" tranportation I used there was skitching up W Sahara attached to the side of gardening trucks or auto haulers.
CD, you're right! And that wasn't even a full cheek! But I guess compared to a styrofoam mannequin it was pretty racy.
No doubt CD! Maybe they are an off-shoot of the Hasid goon squad.
Wow, that's crazy--I'm getting censored!!!
Bad grammar--should say I'm being censored!
Let's see if Google finds torso to be offensive.
Take heart, sweet cheeks, you're not alone. Google decided that my whole blog was too grown up for adsense.
Frilly, up a little bit and to the right, if you please...
Anon 3:44 - Dammit, we put all that bike permit money towards getting the top LIRR listing on Google. I guess nobody Googles anymore.
Snobby, you mentioned that USA Cycling is requiring pit volunteers for the masters racers to buy $60 racing licenses:
Wouldn't they also need the extra $30 fee that 'crossers need??
.
.
Does this new "robot" business have anything to do with Skynet becoming self-aware?
"I moved to the Bronx, but not the part that boogies down."
Marble Hill has a Metro North stop and is on the 1 line AND is officially part of Manhattan even though it is physically part of the Bronx. I'll pretend you live there rather than the Bronx.
I grew up in Brooklyn but never knew the subtleties of NYC geographic boundaries until I starting trying to figure out where WRC moved to. Scranus!
Screw 212. 718 is representing.
Yo Frilly,
I have been doing some design work on womens clothing and would love to put some [ahem] "Pearl Inlays" on the back of your camasole.
Nothing drastic, just a couple of random streamers that break up the brown.
If you don't like them you can wipe them off.
Caio babe.
I cannot believe I am 3 hours from CX Worlds and junior has the season ending grand finale swim meet on Sunday. Cruel fate...why do you mock me?
McFly, I'm sure your kid can bikecycle to the pool, it's an ideal warm-up. As long as he leaves early enough and doesn't have to run across the pool deck, Snob wants to be sure an unintentional triath-uh-lon does not occur.
And is it wrong if I secretly call the Modesty Squad on Frilly? They keep banning her pics, she takes more...a few more snaps and we get to jigsaw puzzle a whole entire Frilly together! haha
McFly, I was unaware that you competed in the swimmin' holes up in yer neck of the woods.fissibli
@ Iggy 2:41
"'cause I have a lust for life"
Bret doesn't need to dope when he can time travel. Duh.
For all you squares out there in Spazzlandia ...
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=earsex
babbs. I'll keep an ear out for ya.
Pervis
You'll hear me cumm'in a mile away
Dear Mr. The Commentariat at 5:20 pm --
Make sure you still have your wallet.
He was probably just trying to distract you.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
While wiping his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it.
Any more comments?? I'm all ears...
...ummm...i got a few salacious 'sweet nothings' i'd love to whisper in your ear but, ahhh, as i recall, you've got a man in your life...
...trying to be respectful here...
...& btw...you know what they say, ya ???...
..."...if most guys could suck their own dick, they'd never leave the house..."...
still the best return for your entertainment $ so funny and well written that oca is great fun even the skechistani parts in yonkers alot of parks infrastructure work up in the golan hts: the northern manhattan cycling vortex thanks again
Don´t worry, I used to pay the stupid tax many times until I got off drugs for good, then my life started sucking so I said the hell with it and started doing drugs again. And now I'm fine.
Ah, honey, it's all good. The man is super kool.
No thanks Cipo. I like my pretties just the way they are.
Really Babbs? That's harsh!
Vegas, Vegas *shakes head* Words escape me.
Ran tonight. Spinning tomorrow. Swimming Friday. Saturday--running AND bike. Ah, the good life!
OK clearly WCRM has moved to Riverdale.
Hey, how come it's THE Bronx? Was there ever just one Bronk?
** Googling **
OK so, whoop-de-doo, the Bronck family. You know what I hate about Google? There is no mystery anymore, and all questions are dumb.
ro-EE feen-YAY
"Any more comments?? I'm all ears..."
YOU'VE TWO YOU KNOW?
...babbles...forsaking my usual foolishness, ya, in my book, 'the man' rides through life with a certain grace...
...undeniable fact...
As usual, WCRM gets there first. I have paid the off-the-bike stupid tax too many times, but never saw it so clearly.
Three likely Metro North stations: Marble Hill, Spuyten Duyvil, Riverdale. So new neighborhood is either Kingsbridge or Riverdale. Kingsbridge has some inexpensive, big apartments in prewar buildings. Riverdale buildings are newer but I'd think much more expensive. Both are better value than the previous Brooklyn neighborhood.
I know we kid around and junk but if you start blogging about running I will A)Go out of my damn mind and B)Lose all respect for humanity.
I am shocked that BikeSnob had no comment on this widely circulated video. I know he has opinions about Portland.
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2013/01/29/early-or-moving-on-bikes.cnn?iref=allsearch
He does. He's lovely, and I am one seriously lucky woman.
THE END IS NIGH
Speaking of end times, after "The Event" wheel size will be an important factor for survivability. 29ers will be better suited to rolling over skulls, but it will be easier to find parts for 26inch. Or consider the benefits of a folding bicycle if sewer dwelling is to form a significant part of your survival strategy.
But rather than prepping you could just live in the now and take up a nice hobby. Like stalking babble on. Here is a picture I took of her at the gym
One final note Snob, now that you're a jogger you won't be hearing "Hey Lance..." anymore, but brace yourself instead for "Run Forrest..."
And remember to puff a cigarette as you jog for the full Chariots of Fire atmosphere.
Can anyone recommend me the bike repair center in grands rapids?
bike repair grand rapids
It’s so sad all related with Armstrong drug scandal. I felt bad for him, but he should have been an example to all of us who love bicycles.
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