Thursday, January 3, 2013

Titles: Words On Top Of Other Words

Pretend for a moment that you don't know anything about racing bikes--or, if you already don't know anything about racing bikes, just keep not knowing anything about them.  Then, read this:

The girthy down tube is shaped like an inverted trapezoid and fits easily in your hand for run-ups.

Now, be honest: what was the first thing that popped into your mind?  Was it this?


Or was it a chubby gentleman running naked up a hill while holding his pee-pee?

Please bear in mind there are no right or wrong answers here.  It is merely a mental exercise.

Speaking of exercise, bike racing is ostensibly a form of exercise, though in practice it's more of a self-indulgent repetitive motion akin to masturbation.  Also, like masturbation, bike racing can can be a healthy escape, though when done to excess it just makes you walk around all hunched over and leaves you unable to form any sort of meaningful human relationship.

Anyway, like every other wanker, this is generally the time of year when I renew my USA Cycling license, and so I logged on to their website in order to do it--but I only got as far as this:


"Am I really going to spend $90 for a piece of plastic that tells me I can ride my bike?," I found myself thinking. (For those of you in Canada, keep in mind that's almost CAD$90!)

"And on top of that, am I actually going to make a donation?"


Let's take a closer look at those donation options.  First, there's this one:

USA Cycling Development Foundation: 
General donation to support Olympic and young athlete development programs
Donate $50 or more and receive an optional eight pack of USA Cycling note cards with images of your National Team athletes.

Now why would I want to help "develop" a young cycling athlete who might otherwise spend his or her time doing something much more useful, like going to school or learning a trade?  It's perfectly fine for responsible adults to fritter away their own time and money on their crabon dork machines, but there's no reason to encourage young people to do the same--that's like NORML starting a "Young Stoner Development Foundation" and giving kids weed money.  As for supporting Olympians, am I really supposed to pay for Tyler Farrar to travel to London and finish in 33rd place?  I mean maybe--maybe--I'd buy him a new haircut, but that's about it:


Then there's this one:

Edmund R. Burke Fund for Cycling Development: 
Travel and training grants to assist junior and U23 athletes.

More corrupting the kids by encouraging them to race!  Though I suppose blood transfusions don't pay for themselves.

Next, I thought I finally found a worthwhile cause, since it involved academics:

John Stenner Collegiate Scholarship Fund: 
Annual collegiate cyclist scholarship for the top student athletes. 

But then I realized something.  You know what's even more conducive to academic success?  Not spending 20 hours a week "training" to win criteriums!  Next:

USAC/IMBA Trail Tune-Up Grants: 
Awarded to clubs who improve trails used for racing.

Well, I'm already a member of IMBA, so there.

And finally:

U.S. Bicycling Hall of Fame:
Promotes and preserves the history of cycling within the United States.

Wait, we're promoting and preserving the history of American cycling?  I thought we were tearing it down and pretending it never happened!  Isn't that what the whole Lance Armstrong thing is about?  I'm so confused.

Obviously the only donations I'd be making were to my own alcohol fund, but the question remained: Should I renew my actual license?  After all, I'd only raced once last year, after something like 13 years of racing nearly every weekend, and the only changes I observed due to the hiatus were that I got a little fatter, a little slower, a lot hairier, I saved a lot of money, and I had a lot more fun riding my bike.  Plus, I don't live in Brooklyn anymore:


(Portlyn, New Oregon)

While Brooklyn is becoming an increasingly pleasant place to ride a bike for transportation (apart from the inept mimosa-addled brunching salmon who comprise most of the cycling public), it's not the greatest place for Fredly pursuits.  See how the Fat Ass of Queens sort of sits on its head?  The result is that you either have to ride all the way to the top of Manhattan and then over the George Washington Bridge to escape the sprawl, or else you have to venture east through the Fat Ass, then across New York City's tight waistband and through the equally fat belly roll that is Nassau County, and by the time you get to any kind of road you'd actually want to be on you've already been on the bike for like three hours and all hopes of having anything resembling a life are gone.

Given all this, racing around and around in circles in Prospect Park actually becomes an attractive alternative.

Now, however, I live about as far north as its possible to live in New York City while still remaining in it, which means the riding begins pretty much at my doorstep.  Therefore, there's little reason for me to pay good money to abjectly suck at riding my bike with a hundred other dorks when instead I can suck all by myself in sweet solitary dorkitude--apart from the fact that my presence gives something like 97% of the field someone to beat, of course, though it seems like I should be the one getting paid if all I'm doing is boosting other people's self-esteem.

I think I may have hit the wall with regard to professional cycling too, since the sport is now basically just the world's biggest athletic bummer:


Really, it's enough already.  Paul Kimmage is like the guy in the strip club who spends the whole time pointing out the fake breasts.  Whether its pro cyclists or strippers, everyone knows they're on drugs, they just want to ogle the freaks.

Also, can't Kimmage let Stanley Wiggins at least enjoy being a knight for awhile before pissing all over him?  By the way, Wiggins says he will use his knighthood in a "comedy way:"



In fact, he's already started:


Hilarious.

Meanwhile, admirers of the time traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret:


Will be dismayed to learn that some startup has stolen his likeness, to which I was alerted by a reader.  Behold his illustrated mirror-image doppelgänger:


The company responsible is called "Starfish," and unless the site is a joke it appears they're about to launch the most pointless device of the 21st century:

Yes, it's a wristwatch that relays messages to you from your iPhone in case you're too stupid or lazy to just look at your iPhone:
What a dork.  Just wait until you put the coffee down, numbnuts.  Hopefully next they'll make a pair of glasses that will flash the message from the watch so he doesn't have to look down.

By the way, they forgot to add the panel where he looks at his watch and spills hot coffee all over his crotch.

Perhaps he should also consider this wooden bicycle, forwarded by another reader:



If you're wondering why the wheels look that way, it's because they "symbolize the legs of man:"


Do you really need to sybmolize the legs of man on a vehicle that is literally powered by the legs of man?  Given that people also apparently need watches for their phones now then I guess you do.

Lastly, a Tweeterer is boycotting me after I made a wisecrack about the NRA awhile back:


Which I only mention because he's getting rid of my book, so if you want one for almost nothing here's your chance:


Sure, you'd have to pay the shipping, but maybe he'd bundle it with some ammo.  And I'll happily sign it for the winner, though that will make it worth even less.

149 comments:

Anonymous said...

first

cycle

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

recumbent

babble on said...

yaaay!

bob said...

How did i do?

Anonymous said...

Top X !! Awesome 2013

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Charles said...

Nice.....

ken e. said...

zzzz!

Paul Bowen said...

Top ten!

Professor Dudley Douche'right said...

Meanwhile is Canada ...

Today's assignment students is to translate 'douche' bag' from the French to the English ...

Johnny says ...

The translation of Douche' bag to Enlish is 'Harper'

RB1 said...

haircut ? razor !

aerononymous said...

The Queens Fat Ass can sit astride my head anytime.

Anonymous said...

And now after reading [hilarious BTW] , I'm dropping from V to XIII

Christo said...

Nice post Snob.

If you don't donate to the development of young cyclists, they'll all end up being poached by big rollerblade money..

babble on said...

heh heh national database of the mentally ill...

Anonymous said...

Snobby - You're right about that national database of the mentally ill. I think everyone here supports you on that one.

We have tried the insane approach to gun control, maybe it is time for sanity.

cycle

Anonymous said...

US Bicycling Hall of Fame:
http://dctv.davismedia.org/node/38795

Anonymous said...

AYHLMGN!

(All You Haters Lick My Gun Nutz)




balls™

samuel said...

what's wrong with the nra tardo?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"I got a little fatter, a little slower, a lot hairier, I saved a lot of money, and I had a lot more fun riding my bike."

The rightings on the wall my friend. It's time to lean back,get comfortable and pedal with your cranks out front.

crosspalms said...

Is that NORML foundation the Fiscal Spliff?

Anonymous said...

In be4 the rest of the 'Peter Wang' dick jokes.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist,

I already have a piece of equipment for leaning back and getting comfortable. It's called the couch.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

The Starfish wife/girlfriend also looks like she was illustrated, from a photo off of McFly's hard drive.

I love China said...

Boycott Peter Wang by buying an iPhone.

Anonymous said...

NGBA
National Garbage Barge Association

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm sure kf5nd took the stickers from that damn book before he ebayed it. I bought that one on my kindle and then bought the paper version of your second stupid book. Of course to my dismay no stickers.

Paul Bowen said...

Couldn't find the Houston seller on ebay but I did find, from a seller in Italy, "Bike Snob: Manifesto per un nuovo ordine universale bella bicicletta", for £15 and from France "Bike Snob Abroad: strange customs, incredible fiets, and the quest for cycling paradise" for an eye watering £25. Are these like the 'God Save The Queen' on A&M of Snob books? And am I the only person who hasn't heard of them before?

Neil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jed said...

And you wont have to bolt a pink flag to said couch in order not to get run over in 'comfort mode'

Jed said...

And you wont have to bolt a pink flag to said couch in order not to get run over in 'comfort mode'

Brad W said...

Fookin' cunt Kimmage is a total cunt. I'll kick that cunt right in the cunt up any hill, the cunt.

ge said...

Anon/RCT/Babbles, hope you paid your $90 for 2013. Otherwise you're all DQ'd. Good call on skipping the race license, Snob. The new year's already tainted.

Peter Wang said...

You and Mike Hunt can SUCK IT!

wishiwasmerckx said...

We already have a national registry of the mentally ill. It is called the comment board of BSNYC.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Recumbent Couch

I'd sit with the babe on this.

Jed said...

FAKE TITS
BIKE RACE
SHIT FACE

CommieCanuck said...

Really Snob, making fun of the mentally ill is bad taste. Making fun of the mentally ill with semi-automatics with exploding tip bullets is just dangerous.

Mo' guns would fix everything. On David Keene's Mensa exam, he answered "guns" to every question. IQ was off-scale.

CommieCanuck said...

Team Sky's New Jerseys

leroy said...

My dog advises every body Peter Wang Chung tonight.

According to him, press reports identifying sociopaths always use the full name.

Samuel -- is that Samuel of the Yosemite Samuels?

Anonymous said...

My first thought was "What the fuck does a trapezoid look like?"

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Snob,

I am a member of the NRA and so far as I know the only evidence of my mental instability is that I read your blog daily (zing!).





Paul Bowen said...

How many NRA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

More guns.

mikeweb said...

To bring things full circle, it looks that the 'Starfish' dude is modeled on Tyler Farrar. Maybe he can get one of those to remind him when to sprint this season.

Marcel Da Chump said...

They race bikes, don't they?

Edmund Burke said...


Under the pressure of the cares and sorrows of our mortal condition, men have at all times, and in all countries, called in some physical aid to their moral consolations - wine, beer, opium, brandy, or tobacco.

Buster Hymen said...

January 3rd and no 'Recumbabe' ???

Plus all of the visuals in today's post are male.

Snobbie? Are you going lite in the Sidi's on us?

Say it ain't so ...

Stephen Taylor said...

What Babble On said....

Buffalo Bill said...

Geophysicists are mostly douchebags. Mr. Wang appears to be no exception.

Nice crack about the nra snob, might want to invest in a bullet proof messenger bag now.

Anonymous said...

RCT YOU GOT SERVED SUKKAHHHHHH!!!

3G said...

CUNTS!

Anonymous said...

Segue free Thursday!

I love it. It's so "Ha, In Your FACE!"

I'm so looking forward to Non Sequitur Sunday.
Bring it on!

JB said...

C'mon, this should be a "no gun debate" zone.

ben said...

The NRA has done more to protect the average cyclist than has USCF.
And for 1/3 the price. But they are the delusional ones, right?
I guess that logic is consistent with this same group that pays $XXX for a pro crabon ride, then $90 to be official cat whatevers. Ya-That makes them “just like” pro-racers, just like guns make people crazy.

Anonymous said...

Anon@2:37

The first para of your post is found poetry. Delightful!

Anonymous said...

Aww. The poetry got binned.

Yarpo said...

Sybmolize? Will that cause scranular pain? Stoopit woodun biek...

Hey! I hucked the deceased Crissmuss Tree out of the second floor window, and it felt GREAT! Now to sweep and vacuum the bajillions of pine needles.

Anonymous said...

Hey Wildcat,

Hold off on the license for a few years till you're 45. Then you can make your big comeback and race Masters World Championships!

DerZoots said...

Houston is for assssssssholes.

mikeweb said...

Marcel @ 2:21 = Comment of the day.

BTW, that should've been the title of that RAAM documentary 'Bicycle Dreams'. Except at the end they don't shoot the depressed hallucinating marathon bicycle rider.

Anonymous said...

13 YEARS? That's alot of sucking.

crosspalms said...

I wondered who was responsible for the new two-way bike lanes with signals on Dearborn Street here in Chicago. Thought it was the city, but turns out it was the NRA. Thanks, gun guys! And thanks for the Arm the Ghetto program, which is a spectacular success here. It's like No Child Left Behind, but with bullets.

mikeweb said...

@crosspalms,

I know what you mean! Thank Lob for that NRA member who shot the tires of that big cement truck before it ran me over the other day. I'm calling my Congressperson - today!

Dooth said...

Wildcat, I must take umbrage (my arms up-raised in disapproval) of that NORML joke, because I am indeed a product of "the young stoner development fund". In fact, I'm now an expert NORML talent scout, so there. As per company policy, school yards are off-limits. Sorry, kids.

PatrickBateman said...

if you read the full review of that Ridley bicycle then you'll see that it's also laterally stiff, yet vertically compliant.

hey snobbers, you know what else is vertically compliant? the vaginas of both Babble and myself. that's what.

are you feeling laterally stiff yet?

Flammer said...

All I see is spend, spend, spend!
You lot are arse out your pants broke and you slip straight into denial mode by looking up new ways to spend. Fuckwits. And not just your public debt of 110 fucking % of GDP, noooo, private debts that is twice that.

SO they Dutch have resorted to making bikes out of wood because they're up to their salty licorice holes in debt.

But they are way behind the British, the people with the greatest fetish for bankers. I feel that it's a ploy to make Braddles Cuntington Wiggins, the man who single-handedly resurrected the 'C' word, into the poster gent of knighthoods. How fucking democratic. 'We're all in this debt wallow together.' Pig's arse.

Anyway, it's going to be 40˚C today and ready to burn. My spleen is vented, I'm going for a ride.

chester_mcFlannigan said...

If you think Armstrong's cancer shield was a scam, that USACDF is a pretty amazing hustle. It takes most of the money USA Cycling makes while USA Cycling has no authority over the organization. Bottom line: It's a slush fund for Thom Wiesel.

Most USAC members are too busy simulating sexual acts with crabon parts while applying HGH patches to pay any attention to their federation though.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Thanks mikeweb, I'm not surprised you caught the reference. I must apologize, however, for adding ammo to the rifle range, er, comments.

Commentariat committee chair said...

Snob, as it relates to Lobert's Rules of Order, any chance of getting the land of Kiwis and/ or Oz blocked from the comment board? Not so much a firewall, more of a douchewall solution. Or perhaps a FoC (friend of commentariat) down there could locate the offending laptop and throw it on the barbi for us?

crosspalms said...

Thanks for the suggestion, Flammer. I looked up "new ways to spend," and the top hit on popular search engine that rhymes with kugel is the Millay Colony for the Arts. $35 entry fee for a 2-week residency, where "Residents are free to organize their time however they like. We recommend, in addition to ample work time, hikes and bike rides on the mountain trails, swimming in local ponds and lakes, seasonal picking of blueberries, wildflowers, apples and more., bird-watching, waterfall splashing -- etc."

Bike rides! Genius. And it's in upstate New York. See you there, Snob?

babble on said...

Patrick, I am so sorry. It must be tough having a vagina paired with a moniker like that. You're fodder for ALL the worst Pat jokes.

Well done. You deserve kudos for carrying on as you do.

Anonymous said...

hahaha, nice work wcrm

If you think cyclists bikeen racers are foffing off to videos of themselves foffing offiing, then just check the world of competitive yogas. Thats right, competititive yoga.

a nicer example of recent note;
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20802953

NATIONAL RIFLE ASSN. said...

happiness is a warm gun...

NATIONAL WIFFLE ASSN. said...

happiness is a warm bun

Dooth said...

I attended a competitive yoga event (I spiked my smoothie with Wild Turkey, just to enhance the relaxation). This competitive yogi attempted a one-handed-legs-crossed handstand and the audience went wild. But he lost his balance and fell flat on his face! A hush fell over the crowd...I yelled out, "face plant"!

crosspalms said...

How many yogis does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Change comes from within.

Anonymous said...

I wish that you'd offend me so I could make a bundle by reselling your books. Call me a name or sumpin'.

Anonymous said...

BTW my name actually is Anonymous.

Spence said...

Illuminati!

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear you inadvertently picked a fight with a gun nut.

It is probably the other way around, come to think of it. We all know how they have Itchy trigger fingers.

thegock said...

PETE WANG

They said...

what?

d. byrne said...

LEGALIZE PANDA HUMAN FELLATIO* NOW!

*d.byrne's bamboo slathering butter is applied liberally to the man meat to induce the proper Panda response.Only $999.99 available at finer Rapha outlets everywhere.

That's what she said...

...

annonymoose said...

Why ever body gots to pick on us gun nuts? On a side note, my nephew will be home from Afghanistan in March, and will be teaching a course in gunshot wound care at the local MMA/Crossfit/Yoga/Tai Kwan Do Club. Seriously. He knows his shit,because he works for what used to be Blackwater. Fun guy. Do you want to get shot and not know what to do? Not me!

bikesgonewild said...

...etymologically speaking, the name 'peter' comes from the latin 'petra' or in greek, 'petros', meaning 'stone' & with the name 'wang' being self explanatory in our culture, i'd suggest 'peter wang' is nothing short of being a DILDO...

...& whilst still a tool, as rouge around the edges as he appears to be, perhaps not the 'insertion tool' most users would wish for...

...just sayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

..."...rouge around the edges..."...hmmm ???...

...i believe the previous commentator meant to say "...rough..."...

mikeweb said...

Huh, it seems that the 'gun debate' doesn't have the same effect here on the Ol' WCRM comment area as the helment debate does.

Good.

The National Helmet Association said...

They can have my helmet when they pry it out of my cold, dead hand.

Perrico Delgado said...

Yonkers!

Anonymous said...

This year's postings really suck so far. Wildcat is distracted.

Anonymous said...

Ban high capacity helments!

ken e. said...


"william, move your head!"


comedy gold at the one minute mark. what is wrong with the inner-nets that "massive head" doesn't turn up the right sound bite immediately? stay warm y'all, and safe riding.

Anonymous said...

Guns don't kill people. Helments kill people.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 7:58pm,

This year's heckles really suck so far. Consumers of free Internet content must be distracted.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Grump said...

$90.. Holy Shit.
I forgot that guys that go both ways have to pay that much.
Did you tell USA Cycling to go fellate themselves?
I joined one of "those"
breakaway organizations 17 years ago, and still only pay $25 a year..

I still suck......but it costs less.

Anonymous said...

If kf5nd had really wanted to make a point, he'd have made that $.01 auction buy it now... A gun nut from Texas, now there's a surprise.

Todd said...

Thanks for reminding me why I stopped buying a racing license. I still can't figure out why I wanted to get back into racing...

Todd said...

Thanks for reminding me why I stopped buying a racing license. I still can't figure out why I wanted to get back into racing...

Harry Johnson said...

Peter Wang is a Dick.

Anonymous said...

The Bronx has The Bike Snob. Isn't it nice having the streets to yourself? And those hills! Climb 'em.

Anonymous said...

how does that bike in the first picture stop with only half a front brake rotor
is the caliper and pads so full of stopping power that it ate part of the rotor already

Pfredrico Douche' said...

Pro - bicycle racer who gets PAID to race.

Orp - Bicycle racer who PAYS to race.

Anonymous said...

Don't like Frank Zappa? Don't buy any Frank Zappa records. Don't like guns? Don't fuckin buy one. There's no debate here. Just a bunch of busybody motherfuckers getting all up in other people's shit. Same as the anti-abortion churchy motherfuckers and the helment nazis. Everybody has AAALLL THEEESE IDEAASS about what OTHER people should do, whether it's with their guns or their fuckin record players or their vaginae. Mind your own business and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Anonymous said...

Yeah if I made all my money from book sales I'd probably slack off on the free internet content too. Wish I had one of the few remaining jobs at one of the few remaining newspapers not yet put out of business by free internet content.

Slim Charles said...

The game still the game. Just got mo' fizz.

Anonymous said...

Check it out WCRM, you could be in for big $. Nice. http://mashable.com/2013/01/03/andrew-sullivan-daily-dish-third-million/

annonymoose said...

For all the 'Muricans here, next time you go to the polls, you can help end the helment and gun debacle by voting Libertarian. Really, we're fun people. We don't get our kicks by telling other people how to live, what not to drink, or what you should do to protect yourself, whether by force or with a helment.

velobotomy said...

You really should be more sensitive in discussing Frank Zappa records. I understand that there was a recent and horrible event in Connecticut where Frank Zappa records were used to kill many children.

Anonymous said...

Peter Wang ‏@ochotona_p
I can't stand China, either. This is why I didn't buy an iPhone. http://fb.me/1SM5vjidt

Alan Schenkel ‏@AlanSchenkel
@ochotona_p Any phone you have was made in China genius

#win

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, check out the cute little "fred in the making" on the Adventure Cycling Ass's website under "Family Tours." At least they haven't wiped the smile off the poor kids face, but give em time.

ge said...

I am distracted - ooh look a Eurasian red squirrel! Oh wait, I was going to tell someone how much they suck, or was I going to make a sandwich? Mmm, I just love sandwiches. Sandwiches are underrated - You know who else is underrated? Frank Zappa. Wait, was I going to say Frank Zappa sucks? What was I thinking? Frank Zappa's awesome. He doesn't suck at all. He is dead though. You know who else is dead? Quincy. And that paparazzi who got hit by a car. It wasn't David Byrne's car, I know that much for sure. Why am I hungry? I could sure go for a sandwich. I love sandwiches ...

SaddleSore said...

That "Starfish" guy is riding the latest left-sided crankset and derailleur ...

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Snob
Sometimes you really chap my ass!
I apologized for that employee not let you take a photo of the dice.
I have even offered to make a limited edition Budnitz Snob Nob, but you have yet to send me a photo of your penis.

The Budnitz

Rollie Fingers said...

Aww yeah, goin for the brown jersey here for latest (like up past my bedtime latest) comment. WHAT WHAT!

horale vatos

McFly said...

I have started my 2013 Race training by periodically sleeping in a high-attitude tent. If you don't like it you can get bent.

It seems to be working.

Amiss said...

Anony 11:38 - Definitely not written by Martin Amis.

Clint "Empty Chair" E. said...

If you click on gun nuts link do you hear the theme music to "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly".

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