I realize I haven't ever written anything worth more than like a quarter (an American quarter, not one of those Canadian ones that the soda machines always spit back out at you), and that once you factor in the shipping it's already up to more than the actual cover price of the book. However, keep in mind that if you win it I'll not only devalue it further by signing it but I'll also write a poem and draw a picture in it. Plus, you'll know that the money you're spending is going to a good cause, since this guy is pretty irritated with me for teasing the poor maligned NRA, and this way he can use the proceeds to buy some ammo and squeeze off a few rounds at the gun range, which hopefully will make him feel better. And if he needs a target, I'd suggest the following:
(The rings are all wonky because it's artisanal. Please feel free to download, print, and shoot at with your weapon of choice.)
By the way, please be assured I have no intention of sparking some sort of gun debate, and that I'm merely exercising my constitutional right to make jokes about the fact that someone doesn't like me.
Also yesterday, I mentioned my reluctance to renew my USA Cycling license, and a reader forwarded me the following article:
Basically, the article explores whether USA Cycling is indeed hindering the sort of grassroots amateur bike racing that is relevant to 99% of us regular schmucks, and it uses OBRA as an example of an organization that's flourishing without them:
Since breaking away from the federation in the late 1990s, OBRA has grown its membership to more than 5,000, and this year sanctioned more than 330 races. OBRA’s marquee event, the Portland-based Cross Crusade series, is the largest amateur cyclocross series in the world, averaging 1,100 racers at each of its eight events last season.
Pretty hard to argue with that, especially if you've been to a Cross Crusade race--though USA Cycling tries anyway:
"You need to step back and look at the importance of international heroes and role models. They add value and cache to the sport. We honestly believe that the overall benefit far outweighs any incremental increase in cost. Right now anyone in Oregon is outside the system with regard with those progressive opportunities that people tend to find value in.”
Wow. He didn't just say "heroes and role models," did he? Yeah, they've added "value and cache[t] to the sport" like a low-fiber diet adds volume to your stool.
Meanwhile, in news more relevant to everyday cyclists, a reader forwarded me this somewhat old yet still noteworthy article about cycling and vulvas:
Whether it's numb penises or aching vulvas, the media continues to be amazed that riding an ill-fitting bicycle can hurt your crotch. Somehow most people manage to understand you need to wear shoes that are the right size or else your feet will hurt, but when it comes to bicycles we need laboratory research to tell us that riding the wrong bike will punish our pee-pees and woo-woos:
"The women took their personal bikes and saddles into the lab. The researchers mounted the bikes on a stationary machine, and had the riders position their seats and handlebars according to their preference. As the women pedaled, they reported whether they felt soreness, numbness or tingling as a result of sitting on the bike seat, and a device was used to measure sensation in the pelvic floor."
By the way, the device that measures sensation in the pelvic floor is actually Mario Cipollini's face:
(A perfectly calibrated vulvular pressure device.)
Anyway, the shocking revelation here is that if your crotch hurts you should raise your bars:
In cases where the women's' handlebars were positioned lower than the seat, more numbing and tingling were "observed" in their perineums (that all important area of the anatomy that women seldom think of unless pregnant and about to give birth, or if it is saddle sore). In fact, the study's authors conclude that handlebar heights lower than saddle heights "significantly impact" genital sensation in women.
Which is why I'm launching a new pub[l]ic awareness campaign:
And I'm pleased to report that at least one rider has already gotten the message:
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see the the guy from Barenaked Ladies work as a London bike messenger.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and listen to your vulva.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) Bradley Wiggins was recently knighted.
2) David Millar wasn't knighted, but he was recently mistaken for David Byrne.
(Why is it all pointy?)
3) Which is not an optional donation when you renew your USA Cycling license?
--USA Cycling Development Foundation
--Edmund R. Burke Fund for Cycling Development
--John Stenner Collegiate Scholarship Fund
--The Tyler Farrar Pro Cyclist Hairstyle De-Eurofication Grant
("Don't let the ladies come between you and the belt.")
4) Is a belt drive faster than a chain drive?
5) Which is better: 650b or 29er?
6) Why can't he just look at his phone?
--Because he's groggy from reading tedious Internet belt drive and wheel size analyses until 4:30am
--Because he's hung over and afraid to turn around and see who he took home from the bar last night
--Because his left hand is possessed and it won't let him turn his head
--Because he's an idiot
7) "I think when they get Orp in their hands they're going to be really _______."
--Grossed out and sticky
***Special Bike Porn-Themed Bonus Question***
(Remember naked roller fixie porn?)
Handmade bike show photography porn is out; __________ is in.
--Artisanal dropout porn