Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Run Away! Instinct of Survival

Recently I was reading the Metro-North Commuter Railroad Company's bicycle permit regulations, and  here is how they define a bicycle:

Definition: A bicycle is a single-seat, human powered, two wheeled vehicel with a wheel diameter not in excess of 27 inches.  No mopeds, mini-bikes, motorbikes or motor scooters.

I was particularly incensed by the draconian wheel diameter limitation, to which I have the following reply:



Also, what's that crap about a bicycle only having one seat?  Are they trying to tell me I can't ride the train with my "retambent?"


That's some bullshit right there.  I'd threaten to take by business elsewhere, but the Long Island Railroad's rules are even worse:

Types of Bicycles: Single rider bicycles only; No tandem, motorized, or three wheeled bikes; no protrusions which could cause injury or damage.  Maximum bicycle dimensions are 80" long x 48" high.  Bikes must be clean and free of excessive dirt and grease at all times.  Cyclist mus have a suitable elastic cord to secure the bike on the train.

That "free of excessive dirt and grease at all times" thing is a total dealbreaker, because each and every one of my bicycles is filthy at all times.  Never trust anybody with a clean bicycle.  It means they're hiding something and most likely suffer from Lady Macbeth syndrome.  Who has the cleanest bicycles?  Roadies.  And they're all on drugs.  Think about it.  Also, the "no protrusions which could cause injury or damage" thing is kind of ridiculous, since pretty much every part of a bicycle is a protrusion which can cause injury or damage, and I have the scabs on my shins to prove it.  If you remove every dangerous protrusion from a bicycle, you wind up with this:


No thank you.

By the way, yesterday I mentioned bicycles and the apocalypse, and a reader was kind enough to forward the following article:



I'm reading some after-the-electromagnetic pulse disaster novels where the electric grid has collapsed. Lots of people walking home or fleeing home on foot. In the vast majority of these novels there is no mention of any means of human transportation between a car and walking. So some guy has to walk home hundreds or thousands of miles across a post-apocalyptic landscape to get back to his family. Every person he comes across either is on foot or has some Mad Max truck fuel. What's with that?

In my opinion, the answer to this is very simple: Most Americans would rather perish than ride a bicycle.  It's a fate worse than death.  Therefore, if you're going for realism in your post-apocalyptic fiction naturally you're going to omit them.  Maybe--maybe--you have a scene in which someone's getting attacked by some post-nuclear zombies, and he looks at a bicycle, then he looks at the zombies, then he looks back at the bicycle, and finally instead of fleeing on it he surrenders himself to the zombies and lets them eat him alive.  Even in real-life disasters people only ride bicycles for as long as they have to and not a second more.  Sure, after Supercane Hurristorm Sandy there was a temporary uptick in bike commuters in New York City, but vastly more people chose to wait on line for gas for 12 hours instead.  I'd wager that most Sandy bike commuters pretend it never happened, like some ill-advised drunken liaison or that one time they ate horse in Belgium.

It is worth mentioning though that there was a shopping cart in Cormac McCarthy's "The Road," and it is pretty easy to graft a bike onto one of those:


Naturally though they didn't, because it would have diluted the effect of the shopping cart as a metaphor for consumerism.

Scranus.

Speaking of survival, I've recently been coming to terms with how ill-suited to it I really am.  In particular, like many cyclists, I am physically completely useless without a bicycle.  Sure, at any given time I can manage a hundred mile ride without too much trouble or preparation, but once you take that bike away I'm utterly helpless.  More to the point, I can't run.  At all.  This is pathetic, since running is our most basic means of danger avoidance.  Sure, maybe if a lunatic came at me the burst of adrenaline might carry me for a block or two, but what about a post-apocalyptic scenario where mutants have already stolen my bicycle and my own two feets are my only remaining mode of transport?  Shouldn't I at least be able to manage a brisk interborough trot in the interest of self-preservation?

Therefore, in a sad burst of stereotypical midlife shame over my body's depressing lack of functionality, I've resorted to running every now and again, during which I listen exclusively to this:



Sure, there were times in the past when I would run every now and again under the delusion that it would help me in cyclocross (it didn't, because when you suck, you suck, and I suck) but now I've been doing it just to do it, and I'm concerned about two things: 1) My knees possibly falling off, because they hurt; and 2) One day accidentally doing a triathlon.  Obviously, it's that second one that's the scariest.  Now don't get me wrong, I certainly don't plan to ever do a triathlon intentionally, but what happens if through no fault of my own or some bad planning I end up riding, swimming, and running all on the same day?  Right now I feel like I'm messing around with two out of three ingredients in a triathlon, and if that third one falls into the mix somehow it will become volatile and I'll perish in an explosion of tri-dorkitude.

Still, the fact is that as the years go by you do all sorts of things you never thought you'd do, like running, or spraypainting your bald spot with barbecue grill paint, or participating a Gran Fondo--which I did last fall to my lasting shame.  Even so, it's very unlikely that I'll do the Gran Fondo New York, though I did just receive a press release informing me that it's now the Campagnolo Gran Fondo New York:



The Gran Fondo New York is of course most famous for the fact that they tested for drugs last year and caught some sad Fred doping.  It also costs $250, and between you and me, for only $175 I'll be happy to take you on the same route.  Sure, you won't have a state-of-the-art timing chip, but there will be numerous "shaming climbs" during which I remind you of how badly you suck.  (Provided I can keep up with you, which I almost assuredly can't.)  Also, while I don't actually have drug testing equipment, you're more than welcome to pee in a cup anyway.  Best of all, each participant in my gran Fondo gets a jersey.  Unfortunately, it's this one, and you'll have to order it from Nashbar and pay for it yourself.

And if I get dropped or simply decide to turn around and go home, there will be no refunds.

Lastly, on the subject of survival, subway deaths have been in the news quite a bit recently, and due to the public outcry there is now talk of installing sliding doors on the platforms:


Before we get to the MTA's plans, let's quickly look at the stats you are most interested in—how often do people actually get hit by the subway. And the answer, in 2012 at least, was 141 times. Of those incidents 51 were people who "contacted a moving train while on the platform," 54 were incidents were a passenger was "stuck on the tracks," 33 were suicides or attempted suicides and three were cases were a customer fell between cars.

Interestingly, the MTA is considering a safety measure that would cost $1 billion.  Meanwhile, 176 cyclists and pedestrians were killed in traffic in New York City during fiscal year 2012.  Practically none of which were suicides, though arguably many of them were homicides, even if the police dismissed them with their standard response of "no criminality."  I suppose to some degree bike lanes and pedestrian plazas are the equivalent of sliding doors in that they are meant to make the roads safer, though I still find it odd there's not a similar public outcry over the dangers of private cars.

I'm surprised nobody has suggested that subway riders should wear helments.

134 comments:

3G said...

BLOOP

Grumpy german said...

first?

Ich bin immer noch kein Roboter !

g. said...

Top!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ding Ding!
6061 goleus

Kil said...

No comments?

g. said...

fucking robot shit.

babble on said...

goooooood morning!

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Christopher Ryan said...

Twenty minutes into The Walking Dead, the sheriff is on a bike, stumbling toward his home. Then you never see one again.

pantryfusion said...

Dude, Spoiler!

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Anonymous said...

Zodium!

babble on said...

Thanks for reminding me how hopeless I am without my bike, Snob.

Fred Zeppelin said...

and that his how my fat-ass collapses before i reach the podium.

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty and read; and how do I sign up for Gran Fondo WCRM?

ken e. said...

ponderous!

Gaffer Smythe said...

So, you've skipped right past shopping for a folder to running. Oh, the humanity of it all!

ipnsmitt 50

Frilly Chick said...

Do the tri, Snob, do it!!!

PS I think the Google police may have stolen my underwear (photo). It was there Sunday and now it is MIA.

Anonymous said...

747 sit us me. Of course, I could be just making that up. (ZOD)

Mike in Dallas said...

Stephen King's characters in "The Stand" make use of bicycles to get out of Dodge. In fact, Larry smacks himself in the head when he realizes that he could have ridden a bicycle and be on the Maine coastline already instead of walking himself into exhaustion...

mikeweb said...

frilly, the Google are known to filch lady's unmentionables.

babble, glad to see you're feeling better.

Anonymous said...

The reason you never see bicycles in the post apocalytic movies is the the characrters realize that it is harder to get shot whilst huffing and puffing and staggering from side to side down the road that it is to get shot whilst riding in a straight line and an even pace. Although Rob Lowe and that blonde goofball from Coach who voices Sponge Bob's friend did ride a bike cross country in the movie version of Stephen King's "The Stand"....Oh my Lord I need to read a book...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wolf And Iron by Gordon Dickson has the main character headed west by mountain bike if my memory is correct. The book came out in 1993 and I read it around that time. That was ages ago.

leroy said...

I only run when it's too cold to ride.

No wonder I hate running.

leroy said...

I read a book once.

I can see how some folks might like that sort of thing.

Anonymous said...

now that you're a runner you should consider a trip back to brooklyn for the semi annual prospect park duathlon. Every march and september. It's Fredtastic and at least it's not a tri. A good opportunity to remind yourself you can suck at two sports. it's fucking hard to make out these anti robot codes

http://citytri.com/ProspectParkDu/

Zonad243771 from the 11th parallel universe said...

Implodium!

Buffalo Bill said...

Mmm, there's nothing better than a nice Belgian horse sausage.

Also, I think the big non-evil doers might be using the commentariate to help with the ocr robots for streetspy. For example, my robot challenge says "ichretra 600", but entering "ichretra 800" works too.
/paranoia

g. said...

Didn't they ride motorcycles in The Stand? I seem to recall a bit in the book about how they had to use the overflow valves to siphon gas at the filling stations. Although, in their defense, there was no line, with everyone being dead and all.

Anonymous said...

Top XXV -ish

Anonymous said...

Cool town, evening in the city
Dressing so fine and looking so pretty
Cool Fred, looking for a kitty
Gonna look in every corner of the city
Till I'm wheezing like a bus stop
Running up the stairs, gonna meet you on the rooftop

mikeweb said...

Tri-dorkitude, a.k.a. TDT, is the most explosive compound known to mankind. Also to mankini.

Anonymous said...

i'm a long time runner (slow) and cyclist (slower) and i have to admit that as annoying as runners are cyclists, roadies specifically, are considerably more annoying. Now that you're a runner you'll have to share your thoughts on the subject in a future blog. I generally find runners to be just annoying dorky A-types, whereas roadies are inappropriately aggressive in addition of being annoying dorky A-types. probably it's the fact that they are on a bike so they can't be as easily chased down and beaten up for being an asshole to a total stranger.

Comment deleted said...

I've resorted to the shameful practice of running, too, as it is a more compact (time-wise) workout. I kill myself in about an hour, rather than the three it takes to get really uncomfortable on a bike.

Pervy Merv said...

I don't wear a helmet on the subway, but sometimes I show it off.

McFly said...

Mike in Dallas, I was totally thinking about that and then you went and said it.

The blue hand-grip on that ostrich bike could easily go into your butthole so that shoots a hole in your theory. And your butthole. Ergons would help.

Cipo said...

THIS MESSAGE FOR MEN & SHEMEN ONLY!

Cipo Industries on the heels of the smashing marketing success of our ladies line of ciopdexx women's cycling kit wear is proud to announce the introduction of CipoGoggles which allow the viewer to view ladies wearng cipodexx clothing sans said sportswear.

$499.99 at most discerning cycle supply botiques and porno dildotoriums.

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 1:24 PM

"whereas roadies are inappropriately aggressive in addition of being annoying dorky A-types."

It's the dope. True Freds dope just like their King.

Anonymous said...

where's the sign up sheet for the bikesnob grandefondue? who do i make my check out to?

mikeweb said...

After t-bonng a car on my bicycle at the end of the last millennium and waking up in the E.R., I found it 'psychologically difficult' to ride in the city for about a year. I went back to running for the first time since I was about 13 and had figured out that riding is more fun. A few months of that cured me of my cycling anxieties better than years of therapy could have.

My girlfriend has been wanting to get back into the gym routine for a while now. I recently suggested that, even though I loath it, we should do some running together, as a means of getting fitter and having a shared activity. I would've suggested cycling, but she is scared to death of riding on the streets.

Anonymous said...

The first part of the blogging post answers the last part. The deaths by subway get attention (and deaths by car do not) for the same reason that bikes get ignored, and walking is associated with civilizational collapse, in those post-apocalypse stories. To wit: cars can do no wrong, and life without them isn't life, or at least real American life.

Comment deleted said...

Here's a fun fact about Amtrak (apropos almost nothing): you may carry firearms and ammunition in your checked luggage, but not archery equipment.

ge said...

Never trust anybody with a clean bicycle Gold, Snobby, Gold. I'm taking that one to the grave. That and Do not put anything in my flower box

Passed one of those shopping cart bikes once. The rider yelled out to me "weird bike!". I was on a Brompton, so I guess I could see his point of view.

DB said...

Hey! Now you can write a column in Runner's World, too!
Not to mention RunningSnobNYC.

Crazy Horse said...

Comment deleted - yeah that old rule is one of America's earliest attempts at racial profiling to keep terrorists off trains in the 19th century.

Anonymous said...

There's something wrong with my seat... you guys go ahead.

Scranus.

Jim Romney said...

WCRM Tri-Fondo NY, $350.

There, just doubled your profits, you're welcome.

As Prad Bitt says "Amerika is a bizness, now PAY ME!"

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Don't exclude race walking from your repertoire el Snobo. Much lower impact than running.

Anonymous said...

They have those plexiglass subway partitions in China. Seems to work well, but of course the gov't doesn't give a shit about public discourse. On the flip side, people ride and drive aggressively out there and people are apparently mauled--not mulled--all the time.

I don't know what my point is other than to share about my experience.

It annoys me when people do that.

The main reason people don't ride in the apocolypse must be one of the following:

1. Lack of snow bikes to have true off road capabilities.

2. Wanted to ride but couldn't find a helment.

Anonymous said...

I'd use PEDs if I could find them... Unfortunately the only thing i'm worse at than riding my bike is finding drugs... and the internet... and maybe love making... and changing a tube... and getting enough fiber... and parenting (I don't have any kids but still)...

Comment deleted said...

RCT - it's very admirable, the way you just don't give a shit about looking like a dork. Recumbents and race-walking -- now that's a coolness perfecta!

Anonymous said...

STIL LOVE YOU THE MOST LANCE!!!!!

drinkslinger said...

Snob:
I've got $175. Do you take paypal? Or can my Nigerian cousin wire it to you? All I need is your bank account info and we're all set.

CommieCanuck said...

No protrusions? But what if I'm REALLY excited about public transit.

wishiwasmerckx said...

That's not a shopping cart; that's a perambulating wire basket, silly!

wishiwasmerckx said...

I advocate mandatory helmet use for the subway, but only on the platform, not on the train.

CommieCanuck said...

$1B for safety doors.
$1B for armed security guards in schools.
$1B for kevlar footy pyjamas
...caring and treating for the insane..priceless, because zero is priceless.

Anonymous said...

I have a suggestion: subway riders should wear helments.

Big Charlie said...

It's pronounced "helemt"

http://calgary.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-bikes-clothing-shoes-accessories-Rage-Solo-Helemt-SK-501-Size-L-XL-Soild-sound-system-15-W0QQAdIdZ451687478

Anonymous said...

S.M. Stirling's Emberverse novels feature a good deal of bicycle use in the post-apocalypse.

I actually have a problem with it because in the later books, set 40 years after The Change destroys modern manufacturing, people still have working bearings and chains.

Agravaine said...

Yeah, just finished a zombie book called Devil's Wake where the female lead character use a bike to cross a long distance 'much easier'. Yep, bike is soon replaced by a bus and siphoning gas.

decent if teenager-ish book though

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@deleted, Nope I never tried the race walk thing. Just thought it might be something BSNYC/WCRM could easily do with his chicken suit on. But you're right I don't a give a shit.

bk jimmy said...

That indignant cartoon guy is actually riding an old-time trike.

CommieCanuck said...

Campagnolo Gran Fondo.

Without Campagnolo, you cannot make a $15,000 biek.

TheLurker said...

There was a rather good TV programme broadcast by the BBC in the 1970s entitled, "Survivors". It was set in a post plague world and I distinctly remember one of the characters nicking a bike, yes of course it was a road bike this was aeons before the knobbly tyred brigade appeared, and riding away on it. It sticks in my mind because the swine threw it over a wall when a tyre punctured. This vulnerability to punctures is probably why bikes don't feature much in older post-apocalypse fiction. Now that we have Schwalbe Marathons and kevlar liners we should see an increase in the No. of bikes in p-a fiction.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Scranus of Fire

Anonymous said...

There's a recent book called Post-Apocalypse Dead Letter Office in which bike riders deliver letters after... well, it's not clear. The apocalypse, I guess that's clear, but what the apocalypse is isn't. Anyway, the book is about as exciting as it sounds.

Flyover bike commuter said...

Four quick comments:

1). There aren't any bikes in a post-apocalyptic world, because there is no place for smug people. They get eaten or killed first, just because they are smug.

2). The wooden bike with no protrusions will eventually develop splinters. I wonder if the paint contains lead?

3). The old timey bike is really a tricycle. And no trikes are allowed on the train. But I guess that's a distinction that doesn't make a difference. (My odd-ball brother recently bought a recumbant trike. He's going nowhere on that thing.)

4). If you can run and ride a bike, you can compete in a duathlon. It's a "special" multisport event for people who can't swim, i.e. it's for people who too dorky to be triathletes.

bikesgonewild said...

...so there i was, out on a bike ride along the hudson river greenway whilst visiting nyc when i happened to look over towards the river & spot a poor dolphin caught up, entangled & trapped in a large piece of free floating fishing net...

...without thought to personal danger, i dropped the bike, dove into the murky depths, swam over & began the struggle to free the terrified little guy whilst we were carried along downstream by the current...

...finally achieving success & the chattering approval of my new little water borne buddy plus the applause of several cheering bystanders, i swam back to shore wherein once there, being chilled by the hudsons cold waters, i ran back upriver to collect my bike & began the long ride back downtown...

...so, the obvious moral here is that as much as one despises & makes fun of triathletes, be careful of your cruel words because triathlons sometimes just happen in real life...

...okay, okay, so i made this story up, it didn't really happen but i think i made my point, ya ???...

...was it the fact that i didn't choke & drown on a piece of crap in the dirty hudson that gave me away ???...the reality that the bystanders would a' been yelling & jeering ???...

..."...yo, bro...ya, i'm talkin' ta youse, wiseguy...bring 'at little fishy ova here...my uncle sal at da fish n' poultry ???...he'll give a couple bucks for 'at guy, ya ???..."...

...or were you laughing 'cuz you knew the bike would a' been gone before i hit the water ???...

...anyway, hey, i'm just sayin'...

The Cyclists Wife said...

Quote of the day "Who has the cleanest bicycles? Roadies. And they're all on drugs" Love it.

Flyover BC said...


Hey Bikes GW,

and it wasn't a dolphin in a net. It was a condom (Hudson river trout)caught in some pantyhose.

Jim Tignor said...

S. M. Stirling is a Fantasy writer who has a pretty successful series about a post apocalypse America. A snippet from the synopsis is here:

"The survivors are those who adapt most quickly, either by making it to the country and growing their own crops—or by taking those crops from others by force. Chief among the latter is a former professor of medieval history with visions of empire, who sends bicycling hordes of street thugs into the countryside."

So, there are exceptions to Mad-Max stories! Bicycle hordes of street thugs!!! Imagine the horror! Unless you were one of those thugs, than imagine the power!

PatrickBateman said...

first, if you do a triathelon then SO HELP ME GOD i'm going to KILL MYSELF!!!! and i'll do it by RUNNING and throwing myself in front of a train.

Second, bully for you SNooBers for providing us with content that on most days primarily consists of complete and udder rubbish, but then on other days surprises with journalistic excellence.

I think that is an incredible point you make about the money that will go to some crazy subway barrierway contraption, whereas NO money or legal resources (legal like lawyers/judicial system, not legal like "she's 18 and loves to swallow") to protecting cyclist.

Very well done Sir. Very well done indeed.

(p.s. - udder rubbish is the dried creamy residue left on a nursing mothers nipples after a feeding)

Yarpo said...

Whew! I just caught up after reading the previous seven days of entries.
Let me catch my breath here...

Nippolini. Love It!!!

The David Byrne Urinal. Fucka Funny!!

German Ellens. Voom-Voom Vunderbarrr!

uditaxp 1736. Only if it doesn't make my balls itch.

Anonymous said...

Stating the obvious: ye olde 28 x 1 1/2" wheel diameter is larger than 27", so my Pashley Guv'nor would not be allowed on Metro-North Commuter Railroad, and I would have to ride it through everyday pre apocalyptic reality (given I live there which of course is not the case).

10 shooch !

bikesgonewild said...

...@ flyover bc...hey, this was MY 'moral' story...

...you see what you see, i get to see what i wanna see, ya ???...

...besides, i was just tryin' to be chill for frilly chick & all those other deluded triathletes...

...ooops, sorry, frilly...

Anonymous said...

In Stephen King's novel The Stand, a key character (Nick) rides a bike across much of the US.

Nick, it turns out, is the Christ-like figure in the novel, who dies as a martyr for the others and comes back later as a ghost, all Obi-Wan-Kenobi ish.

Also, Steve Tilford is racing the cyclocross WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS at least you could have the blogular courtesy for a shout out.

Scranus.

bikesgonewild said...

...why should we care if stephen king is riding cross worlds on his custom scranus ???...

Flyover BC said...

Bikes GW

Fair enough. But that's how I knew the story was a fictional.

The Road said...

The cycle-shopping cart pic must be post-apol because the cart is empty.

The piano could be hooked up to a bike the same way as the shopping cart was. Then you can tool on down the highway smoking a cig and drinking a cuppo, while also playing the piano. I mean the guy in the vid did it (drank, smoked and played).

bikesgonewild@3:21: Chesley Sullenberger would have saved both of you.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 3:48, a Christ-like figure? You mean like this?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-evidence-suggests-god-also-had-incredibly-bust,18133/

Scroticus said...

I'm Scroticus

Anonymous said...

You should consider recumbent running.

Anonymous said...

William Devane in Testament is a kick-ass rider in an L.A. suburb who enjoys the heck out of life and bike riding and gets nuked by the R$%^skies. But there weren't any bikes after the bomb, though, so I don't know if it qualifies. It was a very touching movie.

bikesgonewild said...

...flyover bc...i guess i coulda had it with me saving the two people in that plane that just crashed into the hudson on sunday but frankly, i'd rather save a dolphin...even if it's wearing a condom & pantyhose...

Helment Hitler said...

Had gowANUS cANAL Flipper VIII been wearing a Helment he would still be alive!

bikesgonewild said...

...let's not lose track of the real issue here & i believe that would be that while it's okay to make fun of triathletes for their funny cloths & lousy bike handling skills (& prob'ly a lotta other stuff), we must accept them because they're almost like real people & we shouldn't forget that, ya ???...

...you can almost hear bob marley in the background, right ???...

..."...one world, one love..."...

...ya, that even includes tri-geeks...

Flyover BC said...

BGW

That's way too kinky for me to wrap my mind around.

In my imagination, I've only saved a boatload of marooned cheerleaders. It was sort of like Gilligan's Island, except I was the only guy and the girls' luggage was lost at sea, and their clothes were in very ragged condition.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

PhilboydStunge said...

There are a bunch of knuckleheads with engineering personality disorder where I work who LOVE to discuss post-apocalyptic lifestyles. Mostly about guns and secret hideouts and guns. When I ask them about their vehicle choices I get blank stares from most. One guy launched into a description of his 3 cylinder turbo diesel pickup and how he will grow, harvest, process his own bio-fuel. None of them have ever even thought about a bicycle, because bicycles just aren't part of the fantasy. Kurt Vonnegut said that scifi and porn were both unreasonably optimistic; maybe post apocalyptic fantasy is too pessimistic to include sex or bikes?

Dooth said...

My triathlon was the time I ran around Washington Square Park in the morning, then rode my bike to the East River and fished under the FDR near 23rd street and drank beer.

babble on said...

Oh dear God, I've heard it all. My brother and his wife are spending a couple of months touring India, and today I received a letter detailing how her SheWee suffered catastrophic failure on a twelve hour train ride. EEEEEEWWWWWWWW.

crosspalms said...

It's pre-apocalypse and we don't take care of the roads. I'm betting we'll be even more lax post-apocalypse. And since zombies don't use vehicles (they just shamble), a bike should be OK to outrun them. Just don't turn around to look at them and then fall down. Common mistake among runners. I think chamois cream will become scarce post-apocalypse, so maybe I'll invest in some. And food. No guns though. The people who sell the ammo will probably charge a lot -- like taking my guns away from me once they figure out I'm out of ammo. There's certainly a lot to think about.

babble on said...

It's a slippery slope you're running down, dearest Snobbums. Careful. Before you know it, you'll be falling off your bike trying to unclit from your clitless pedals.

Anonymous said...

Hey, "bike salmon" gets borrowed yet again (without attribution):

http://www.eschatonblog.com/2013/01/just-dont-be-bike-salmon.html

Anonymous said...

One time I rode a cruiser from my hotel in Mexico across the street to the beach. At the beach I jumped in the ocean. Then I realized I was about to miss happy hour so I jogged over to the bar.

Bef careful out there - an accidental triathalon is a real thing.

Unknown said...

Regarding the Bicycle-lessness of Post-Apocalypsia, I have a few questions to ask US citiziens here: http://domm.plix.at/bicycle/2012_11_bicycles_vs_zombies.html

crosspalms said...

If you get travel insurance, I'm pretty sure you can be reimbursed for accidental triathlons.

Anonymous said...

The Bob Marley from the post-calypso world of Caribean music?

I suspect there are plenty of zombies in the post-calypso world.

Anonymous said...

Re: Babble's sister in law's SheeWee. Your peeps have some crazy adventures. How does a SheeWee suffer a catastrophic failure?

And, Babble, on a SheeWee related topic, how's your pink canoe?

wishiwasmerckx said...

100th!

McFly said...

Been mounting some new rear rubber on my nephews KTM 125.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeessshhhhh.

Another reason for me not to get a fat tire bike.

I forgot how much fun it its.

Not.

babble on said...

HAPPY!!! My pink canoe is very happy, thanks.

babble on said...

re: the catastrophic failure... you don't want to know. really

thoopsy 3353

Perrico Delgado said...

Nice comment Comment deleted.

Perrico Delgado said...

Another nice comment. wow you guys are doing great today.

Anonymous said...

I am not a fucking robot...I'm a ZOMBIE!!!

Frilly Chick said...

Ummm, thanks, I think, bgw.

Delusional? Really?

We'll see if the Google cops yank my profile pic again!

Grump said...

Snobby, I'd be happy to charge people $125 to ride a $25 century with me (10 people minimum)

Shamus McDouche' said...

This Irish lass I'm physically acquainted with. Just the dearest lass. Been married five times previous. I do get unlimited access to her pink coracle on occasion. Nice and roomy if ya catch me drift.

Curious Kat said...

babble on'

At any point in your life were you equipped with a penis? Just curious.

xyxax said...

The reason there is no bicycle riding after the Apocko'lips is because Strava will be down, so really, what's the point?

And dirty greasy people can ride the train but not bikes?

Roille Figners said...

Hey, I read one of those S.M. Stirling books. Dies the Fire. The so-called "Change" had just happened. Definitely plenty of bikes mentioned. But also, in a move that betrays the author's probable sci-fi-fantasy-geek/S.C.A. origins, I noticed a lot more of the horseback with the swords and the archery and the chainmail and whatnot. Probably the main reason he decided to write about a future that so closely resembles the past in terms of technology, was to include all that stuff.

Referring to th'pocalypse as "the Change" made it easy to write, a few too many times in one book, lines like "My scranus is always itchy. Or WAS, before the Change." Or "People are always getting run over by the subway. Or DID, before the Change."

I'd still recommend it.

Know what else, I'm about to experimenting with totally blowing-off the fucking illegible numeric part of the KAP-TCHAW.

ro-EE feen-YAY

Roille Figners said...

It worked, people. ROBOTS TAKE OVER NOW

Anonymous said...

Late to post because I'm a roadie and today's ride left my bike mighty schmutzig, but....get on it SNOB and organize a disorganized ride. Please waive the entry fee for all dopes or doped riders. You'll have a quite a crew, if you decide to indulge your audience.

babble on said...

Dear Curious Kat,

Nope. Definitely not. But I have been known to accommodate a penis quite nicely. In fact, you might even say it's one of my favourite things, the penis.

annonymoose said...

Dammit babble! I'm trying to post something relevant, and now you've got me punching the clown.

Allen said...

James Howard Kunstler writes a lot of post-apocolypse "speculative fiction" which he thinks is going to come true ANY DAY NOW. It's really good, fun to read because it shows people actually figuring shit out and making the best of it. In "World Made By Hand," he addresses the uselessness of the bike by pointing out that nobody will be able to get a tire or a tube. And the roads will be fucked (the badasses in his book ride horses). Seems to me that for the right incentives, people will find a way to make bike tires in their kitchen or garage After The Shit Comes Down. And we won't care much about the state of roads. But hey, he's the one writing the books.

Pork Lips Now said...

It appears that some people think a pair of bike tires lasts about as long as a tank of gas. We would eventually use up all the bike tires if no one made more, but it's not exactly a high tech undertaking. Millions of people would starve first, so there would be plenty of tires to go around.

leroy said...

Can someone help me settle a bet?

I say BGW said Frilly's undergarments were "fetching."

My dog says he said "fetch."

bikesgonewild said...

...dammit, leroy...that dog of yours could get me in (further) trouble if i answer the question that settles the bet...

...holy shit, captcha...you're gonna get me in trouble too...

...'366 clicylt'...i mean, really ???...might as well just come out & say it...

Anonymous said...

WCRM, you've a fellow spirit in Robbie McEwen. This is from his autobiography that I just finished: "You see a lot of ex-professionals who never got over their careers, and I've got no plans whatsoever to be one of them. Other guys I've known who have retired have told me that, when the moment comes, be sure. Otherwise, you just end up talking about it a lot, pining for it, and the next thing you know you're entering triathlons."

Anonymous said...

Pump that Bump and make a Dump then your Stump is just a Lump.


ball

Frilly Chick said...

If bgw wants to fetch my panties, he knows how to find me.

Now, Leroy, if it's your dog doing the fetching, please let him know I have StL County Animal Control on speed dial.

Pervis LeDouche' said...

" I have been known to accommodate a penis quite nicely."


Are we talking upstairs, downstairs or both?

Pervis LeDouche' said...

babble,

what is your position on otic?

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

The book "One the Beach" is a classic post-apocalyptic novel where they ride bicycles to get around because gas is too precious. But it is set in Australia, not USA. I also do not recommend reading it unless you like stories where everyone dies in the end.

Anonymous said...

If your knees are killing you from jogging you might try fruit smoothies with flax seed oil and protein powder. Trail running is low impact too, and you don't have to breathe truck fumes and dodge pedestrians while as you go. Just a thought. I enjoy your blog. Cheers.

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Penis Enlargement said...

Bringing my old British roadster (635 diameter rims aka 700B) on Metro North, documenting their acceptance of this wheel size, and then getting the personnel responsible in deep shit for allowing it (aka not doing their job)!

PUTZ LARP said...

No, please have a ride, spend th emoney on liability insurance and have people sign waivers, then just do what you want.

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