Monday, January 7, 2013

Breaking News: Thinking About Thinking About Thinking About Something

Firstly, remember how someone got mad and decided to sell my book on eBay?  Well, the auction has finally ended, and the book has fetched the staggering sum of Fifty-Five Camp USA Fun Tickets (formerly "American dollars"):

This just goes to show that:

1) Some people will pay for anything;

and

2) Not liking me is actually a good investment.

Secondly, if you consider the exquisite design and seamless functionality of this website, you may be stunned to learn that I actually suck at technology.  For example, I have one of those smartphones, and I sometimes use it to read the New York Times.  However, no matter how many virtual toggle switches I toggle I cannot get the stupid "app" not to flash me little alerts when big news stories break.  For example, when Hillary Clinton's head was about to explode, my phone kept updating me on her condition.  Now, I wish Hillary Clinton nothing but the best, but I don't need updates popping up on my phone screen while I'm busy trying to take pictures of my genitals to send to people who say mean things about me on Twitter.  It really takes me out of the moment.

At the very least though, it seemed like when the New York Times would flash me a news update it would be about something really important, like Hillary Clinton's head is a ticking time bomb, or the House of Representatives has finally voted to procrastinate for a few more months--until Friday night, when my phone starts telling me this:


Is he admitting it?  No.  Is he saying he's thinking about admitting it?  No.  Someone else who won't say who they are is saying that Lance Armstrong is thinking about admitting he took drugs.

Lance Armstrong confessing is a big, juicy story.  Lance Armstrong "weighing" a confession is not a story, at least not that warrants a "breaking news" alert akin to the Secretary of State's head exploding.  It's more of a current events cock tease.  Does anybody in the world think he hasn't been weighing it?  I'm sure Hillary Clinton also weighed whether or not to bite her husband's penis off during the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and in fact she's probably still weighing it, but I never saw the New York Times publish a story about that--though obviously if she actually goes through with it that would warrant a banner headline.

It must be nice to be able to use the New York Times to build buzz for your upcoming book:

Cycle of Lies will prove definitively that his [Armstrong] extraordinary career had nothing to do with the bike,” David Hirshey, HarperCollins’ executive editor, told the Post.

Yeah, right, nothing at all.  I'm looking forward to seeing how this book manages to prove that Lance Armstrong never rode a bicycle.

(So I guess what I'm really saying is, "How do you turn the fucking alerts off on the New York Times app?")

Speaking of how out of it I am, a reader forwarded me a review of a £25,000 (or US$3,000,000,000,000) bicycle, and I had no idea that the guy from "The Young Ones" was now a car reviewer and closet Fred:


But that's only because nobody from "The Young Ones" ever managed to catch on in America.  The closest any of them ever came was Rik, who was in that movie "Right Said Fred" or whatever with Phoebe Cates:


(That's Rik, not Phoebe Cates.)

I actually saw the Fred movie in the theater because I was the kind of teenager who really liked British TV shows (a huge dork, in other words), and as I recall it was basically just Rik running around looking like John Lydon.

Needless to say, it was not a hit with American audiences, though according to Wikipedia the Australians loved it:

Although it performed poorly at the US box office, it became Working Title's first financial hit and was (for a time) the most successful independent film ever released in Australia.

Because Australians will laugh at absolutely anything with wild red hair:


If you ever want to smuggle a bunch of drugs and guns into Australia, just flash one of these at customs:


You'll saunter right in as they're doubled over with incapacitating mirth.

Anyway, according to Sayle, aluminum is actually more compliant than The Crabon:

To ride, the Aston feels like many other high-end, carbon racing bikes, much stiffer than the alloy frame I own, transmitting every bump straight up your arms...

That's enough to get you killed over at "Bicycling."

By the way, 25,000lbs may seem like a lot to pay for a Fred sled, but just keep in mind that you get this enormous monochromatic display that looks like a universal remote from the late 1990s:


Yeah, that's way cleaner than an iPhone mount.

Of course, if you're a huge Fred a phenomenally expensive bicycle can be just the motivation you need to keep you riding through the winter--unless you live in Florida where they don't have winter, in which case I feel sorry for you (because you live in Florida, not because you don't have winter), or unless you live someplace where the winter is on the wrong side of the calendar, like Australia, in which case this:


(Gotcha!)

The three people in Australia who read this blog are laughing so hard they'll be calling in sick for the rest of the week.

But what if you live in someplace like Portland, where they have sort of a half-assed winter?  How do Portlanders stay motivated?  Well, as a reader informs me, they write poetry:


Yes, if this doesn't keep you riding than you might as well just take the bus:


January —
The darkest time of the year
the rainiest month
the post-holiday sluggishness —
a bike commuter’s biggest challenge
Festive Christmas light brightened my December commutes
now gone

Leaves, vanished from the trees
dissolved into lingering dark mush on the road

Bitter darkness surrounds me
Blindly, I bang into multiplying potholes

"Take the bus" is also good advice if you're unable to avoid potholes, like this person.

By the way, let's look at that forbidding January weather in Portland:



(How is this different than any other time of year in Portland?)

You call that winter?!?  The two people in Minnesota who read this blog are laughing like Australians who have been exposed to wild orange hair:


(I'd laugh but I might stab myself with a snotsicle and bleed to death.)

This guy doesn't even bother to wear clothes when it's above 40 degrees.

Still, I enjoyed the alliteration in the phrase "Blindly, I bang into multiplying potholes" almost as much as I enjoyed it in the title of this Craigslist post about a "beautiful, tawny beard:"



Beautiful Beard at Bedford L - w4m - 30 (Bedford to 1st Ave.)
Date: 2013-01-06, 12:36AM EST

I was really regretting taking the train instead of my bike, but your beautiful, tawny beard almost made it worth it. Please never shave. 


Yeah, but how did it smell?

130 comments:

Anonymous said...

yes

cycle

babble on said...

Good Day!!

Anonymous said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

RifleSnob get podio?

Anonymous said...

No way!! I actually placed!

3G said...

VULVULAR

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Current Events said...

Cock Tease!

jayteepee said...

Top ten! Yay! Now it's time for a ride in that forbidding January Portland weather.

P. Bateman said...

top something or another! yay.

Anonymous said...

fuck me... you´re all really fast

Anonymous said...

ERLY RZR

Anonymous said...

Dear Snobs,

Please send me one million books at $16.95. I will sell them for $55.00 each so I can finally move up to that 39.5% tax bracket and out of the "49%" cesspool.

Thanks

jayteepee said...

Wildcat, just to let you know that I've got dozens of copies of your books. Expect a barrage of wrathful tweets shortly.

Jimboner said...

All tawny beards smell like lingering dark mush.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
theEel said...

weed.

mikeweb said...

Yahoooo!

Mario Cipollini said...

My beard smells like pussy.

David St Hubbins said...

Smell the beard.

leroy said...

My dog went riding in Miami Beach and all I got was a postcard of a Florida Deco Bike Share bike in front of the Fonatinebleau and a bill for something called "resort wear."

I have no idea what that is, but it costs as much as a Rapha kit.

Oh well, think I'll try a haiku:

New Years Day now gone
Feeling like Juan Pelota
Waiting next ball drop

Marcel Da Chump said...

Seriously, Yahoo Serious?

Anonymous said...

MOVIE REVIEW! I rented Premium Rush this weekend. It is not bad. Not great. No bad. It is slow in parts. The out of sequence narrative is only semi-successful. The stunts are great and the acting pretty good. Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets hit by a lot of cars.

cycle

RB1 said...

I'm no critic, but i think it doesn't scan:
Bitter darkness surrounds me
Blindly, I bang into multiplying potholes

`Bitter darkness' ? `multiplying potholes' ?

I prefer it simpler :
Darkness surrounds me
Blindly, I bang into potholes

That'll be five dollars, please.

JB said...

Missed connections w4m: "Lol, you're so cute! Bye."

Missed connections m4w: "I stared at your moistened lips for a 45-min bus ride but didn't speak. Can I lick your labia? I'm not creepy, I swear."

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. RB1:

My dog wrote:

"I heard the best mimes of my
generation, starving hysterical naked ...."

You try telling him he can't Howl.

He won't listen to me.

JB said...

Is Rik currently playing Sherlock Holmes in that new and quite good Lucy Liu vehicle?

Mr. Charles 'Don't Call Me Charlie' Manson said...

Mr. Snob,

I lost Recumbabe's contact information. If you could furnish me with her email address and cell numbers I would be forever in your debt. Thank you in advance for your consideration in this matter.


PS - If you do not comply within 48 hours I will be forced to dispatch a contingent of my drug crazed killer love drones.

rural 14 said...

Leroy's dog - a genius! Give that dog a bonesicle.

And I'm still so mad at Bill Clinton, I'd snap off his tool as well. And I don't even go that way; but it'd be for the common good. What a mess he caused those next unspeakable years.

Also - ant 2nd!

& prurient animals want to know - what's that babble on been trying to slip in here?

RifleSnobTenn said...

Lose 20 lbs in 4 weeks? I have lost 3 lbs today from throwing up after looking at that wrinkled up belly flap.

acquiesce808 said...

my lobster, snobby. speaking as a fan of "that era of brit-com," your reference making is just plain Hors catégorie. now, if only i could get Motörhead to play a set in my kitchen...

mikeweb said...

That's weird, I don't remember being on the L train recently.

Comment deleted said...

I'm unable to post anything witty today (as if I ever have) as both my son and I caught demeaning plebny on our trip to God-infested Florida.

Belated Happy New Year, all.

Dooth said...

That Portland poet plagiarized Bukowski..." I blindly bang her fat hole"...or words to that effect.

So, Leroy's dog is a beatnik breed...a real gone pal.

Aerononymous said...

I'm the 1%!


Buffalo Bill said...

Today we're having one of those schnooks in my part of the USA's one-size-fits all chapeau. No snotsicles to worry about.

Comment deleted said...

Oh, but this...

My son did extensive research on what pair of headphones he should buy (he's thorough that way). He says, succinctly, "Beats suck." He asked a friend of his why he was wearing Beats and he basically said he knew they sucked, but he was wearing them as a fashion accessory.

Death (or plebny, at least) to spammers.

PAUL said...

The Rules:

http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/

This has bikesnob all over it.

DerZoots said...

Paul your SOOOOOO five months ago with that link.

Panties.

PAUL said...

The Rules:

http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/

This has bikesnob all over it.

Anonymous said...

WOOOOOOOOWWWWW Paul way to enlighten us.

There should be an ammendment with the last rule saying If You Just Found This You are A Neo-Fred.

mikeweb said...

Try 3 years ago.

JB said...

I saw it 4 years ago. If it wasn't published at that time, then I must've viewed the original stone tablets.

mikeweb said...

@Comment deleted,

Now you gone done it.

Also, ask him of he's heard of Urbanears. I just picked those up and am pretty impressed - for about a quarter of the price of those that shall remain nameless.

82medici said...

Somebody please tell Mr. Sayle that if he were to unlock his elbows the ride would begin to feel much smoother.

Comment deleted said...

Mikeweb,

He settled on Sennheisers, a choice I respect greatly. No artificial boost to the bass (which totally fucks up monitoring). I'll ask him about the Urbanears.

You don't see Sennheiser spammers, after all.

mikeweb said...

Cd,

Here's the info. Oh, and apparently they're based and designed in Sweden and have won a few awards, so like, they've got THAT going for them.

Sennheisers are the real deal too, of course.

The Man with the Hammer said...

Rule #42 // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run... one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture.

Harden the fuck up.

Thanks @Paul

Anonymous said...

If you want to stop the updates from the NYT, simply delete the app for All the News Thats Fit to Wipe Your Ass With, and get a paper that reports, you know, facts...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the Phoebe Cates reference - I'll be foffing off soon.

TJ Eckleburg said...

Alexei Sayle- Who is that fat bastard?

The orange-haired troll doll said...

"G'day mate"

Anonymous said...

A quote from the 'review' of the £25k bike:

"I'd like to tell you about the electronic Shimano Di2 gears, which I've never used before, but I set off without asking how they worked, so couldn't change up or down."

That is so pathetic it's almost great!

Anonymous said...

"I'd like to tell you about the electronic Shimano Di2 gears, which I've never used before, but I set off without asking how they worked, so couldn't change up or down."

Didn't read the article, but if that's for real someone please tell me how I get that job! Please!

JB said...

Be very careful when searching the internet for "urbanears." A typo could prove fatal, not that there's anything wrong with that.

P. Bateman said...

you don't want seinhesseuers you dolt. you want the grado gs-1000i's. everyone knows that dummy.

The Peoples Poet said...

mallow...
meringue...
boomerang...
long, blue boomerang...
I bang potholes in the rain...
dang.

bikesgonewild said...

...i can't hear what anyone is saying...

...i have my fingerbuds in my ears...

P. Tang said...

Spondees to the left of me

Pentameters to the right

Here I am stuck in the wa-da-tah to the shama cow!

Pfredd Douche' Cat VI Racer said...

Is it to late to enter this years Tour de France? My grandmother was French so if I epo and hemo pure it up I will pass all the eldopo testos.

I'll have to check with Lance so I can ask him if the dope tests are oral or essay.

Anonymous said...

All You Haters Smell My Beard.

Anonymous said...

Are there "Freds" in Portland?

Anonymous said...

Why would Hillary be mad at Bill. He did not have sex with that woman. Politicians never lie, especially the President.

GhostOfTyrone said...

Anon 4:12 -

Tell us more!

Eenywoy, set to 'op in the ole Leend Rovah and toss some rizahblides at dingoes in the Outback.

And by that I mean "I'll take one Bloomin' Onion."

GOT

Rollie Fingers said...

The darkness was bitter, because it was full of douchebags.

The potholes were multiplying, because they were calculating some mutual-fund shit.

Comment deleted said...

@P. Bateman's lovely vulva:

and such a bargain at a mere $1695!

bikesgonewild said...

...lest it be missed...

...katie badass compton won the cyclocross 'world cup' women's championship (which still has one race to go) by never finishing lower on the podium than 2nd all season...

...first american to do so, man or woman...

...mucho props to this young woman...one very deserving bicycle racer...

Cipo's Barber said...

Your beard smells like pussy.

Rupert Murdoch said...

Anon 1:57: That would be the NY Post one presumes you're recommending.

Cipo said...

My cock smells like Marvis brand toothpaste.

K. Rove said...

Anon 12:31: I think you mean the 47%. Or has the percentage of "moochers" gone up 2% since election day.

Pb said...

As the #2 Minnesota reader, I just want to clarify that it is currently 34*F, and what we call 'sweater weather' - no pants, just the sweater.

Flammer said...

Conga ratulations on recalling that Fat Bastard, landlord to the lads and generally threatening presence. 'Didn't you kill my bruvver?'. Though I suspect that you have forgotten and written Rik with out the silent 'P'.

On a cultural note, Ostrayans refer to those afflicted with the red as 'rangas'. And Mr Snob is absolutely correct, Ostrayans find so much mirth in the condition that the current elected PM is one of those.

It's so quaint to see the sentimental use of the old temperatures of F. Still using enches, foots, furlongs and pounts Is so harking unto the past. Progress is so overrated.

bikesgonewild said...

...hey, look everybody, it's 'blah, blah, blah'...

Comment deleted said...

I love you, BGW, but you're starting to look like you've got a hardon for Flammer. Maybe it's just me, but I like an articulate crank every now and then. Let Flammer flam.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @12:23 said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

If it's all the same to you, I would much rather kneel before Babble. Afterwards, maybe we could trade.

PS I am Anonymous, but I am a different Anonymous than Anonymous @12:23.

crosspalms said...

Articulate crank? Will that make me go faster? Will it contribute to my souplesse? What kind of pedal goes best with it?

Anonymous said...

Riickayyyyy!

Comment deleted said...

crosspalms, my crank is articulate, but all it chooses to say is "You Suck!"

crosspalms said...

comment deleted,
I think my crank has been snickering ever since I typed "souplesse"

A Vey Minor Poet said...

Multiplying potholes surround me,
blindly I bang into bitter darkness.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ comment deleted...i absolutely admit it...

...no matter what (or how) 'blah, blah, blah' has to say, it's always dripping in condescension...

...sometimes i like to point out the obvious 'cuz otherwise it gets lost in it's consistency...

Comment deleted said...

I hear ya, bgw, but I think it's just his schtick. I'll take it over the idiot that gets off on typing the word "panties" any day.

Aussie Commenter said...

Snob, between my pathetic excitement at you mentioning your Australian audience, and my mirth at the flaming troll dolls, this post elicited an extreme snot-bubble situation.

Thank Lob our winters are mild and in July, or the snot-cicle shrapnel could have had my eye out.

Frilly said...

Neil!!!

And EastEnders! And AbFab before anybody knew what the hell it was.

bikesgonewild said...

...comment deleted...well, ya, there is that...always thought that was slightly odd...here amongst the oddities...

...hi, frilly...

Frilly said...

Hi Sweetie!

Idiot getting off said...

Comment deleted:

Panties! Panties! Panties!

Frilly said...

Speaking of odd, whenever I see that "panties" sign-off, it reminds me of my ex. He used to put my panties over his head & act like one of those Mexican wrestling guys.

Another affirmation I did the right thing.

Another idiot getting off said...

Reticulated lenticle panties!

Vegas said...

MYSTERY! is made possible by a grant from Mobil Corporation...
Mystery intro

Wait, wut were we talking aboot? Oh yeah, I thought about thinking about taking drugs while thinking about Lance thinking about thinking about talking about drugs.

bikesgonewild said...

...absolutely gorey, vegas...

bikesgonewild said...

...wait...i thought lance said he didn't take drugs...

...this could get confusing...

Comment deleted said...

Idiot,

You obviously have never experienced the joy of that moment when your fingers slip beneath the elastic, sliding over the slight swell of the Mons Veneris and gently finding their way to the moist crevice; as you part it, she arches her back and moans.

(That ought to keep him busy for a while).

bikesgonewild said...

..."...as you part it, she arches her back and moans --- daddy, will you do your mexican wrestler imitation ???...you know that makes me hot..."...

...i guess sometimes just reciting the menu at the local taqueria works for some chicks...

Rollie Fingers said...

Call me obvious, but Vyvyan was the best.

Anonymous said...

Snob: go to Settings, look for Notifications on the left. The BYT app should be in the list somewhere, tap on it. "Notification Center" is the thing that shows up when you swipe down from the top of the screen, which is probably not something you care about. "Alert Style" is the thing that's been bugging you.

Anonymous said...

(BYT stands for Bnew York Times obviously)

Anonymous said...

Ah, the Great Malenko! They don't make'm like that anymore.

Anonymous said...

ha ha, from Australia where it's 39 deg C

babble on said...

Bobviously.

Spence said...

Illuminati signifying!

Anonymous said...

And I baaaaang, I bang so far away
I just baaaaang, I bang all night and day

Nogocyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nogocyclist said...

Why did today' post make me want to eat some lentils?

spambot said...

Yo, Vito!..where's my spam ? Listen up you monkey...quit being such a troublemaker and leave my spam alone!

Herschel Raney said...

Please no hairy topped orange doll pictures. They look like clown spawn and that shit gives me nightmares.

NY TIMES go to settings and uncheck alerts and pop ups. Or on the fancy ass New York phones you can probably set a news filter level so that only Lance stories above say, him getting assaulted by a cycling group and ass raped with a carbon seatpost would appear. Or anything worse of course.

And we now all have to dump our BikeSnob books for triple the price on ebay after calling said Bike Snob author something nasty here. Asshat. Gun lover. Your mama. I don't know, I just don't feel it. Think I'll keep my book.

askew me. said...

if I remember correctly both Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry made appearances on young ones...while no one would claim they're as well recognized as a certain former pro cyclist who's lost at least seven things that he won I would say they've both made significant inroads to being recognised at a Wal-Mart.

babble on said...

KNEEL BEFORE THE PINK CANOE!

then we can worry about what slips in where...

Bobby said...

Thanks for the find, Sir Snob, you made my day a lot better. What's more amusing than Fat Bastard tooling around on...a 40,000 dollar one-off Aston Martin bicycle?

How very Rapha, isn't it?

Have a close look at the riding photo. Is it me, or are those tires underinflated?

bikesgonewild said...

...sounds like a damn fine idea...but what's all the yelling about ???...

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Anonymous said...

BikesnobNYC

We have finally dropped the no. 3
It is a non polished version, but has sparkles.

I would still like to talk about a custom BSNYC.
With it we could release a series of plaid shirts and an artisanal hatchet in a moleskin bike mounted sheath.
Let's play Wildcat.

The Budnitz.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

I live in the Pacific Northwest and I think technically the darkest time of year is December, like it is in the rest of the Northern Hemisphere. But here in Seattle we have electricity so that makes it perhaps more bearable.

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ce said...

I'm just wondering where Snob acquired a picture of our Prime Minister in the nuddy?

Regarding the travel book Snob is/should be currently working on, I had a couple ideas for the title, depending on the weight of bike content:

Planes, Trains & Bicycles

or

Bikes, Bikes & Velomobiles

Brent "Pitch-a-Tent" Musburger said...

A little much, eh?

babble on said...

just a bit excited...

Frilly said...

Exactly nogocyclist.

Anonymous said...

Hey Different Anonymous than Anonymous @12:23,

"If it's all the same to (me)"?

What part of KNEEL BEFORE ZOD didn't you understand?

(ZOD)

babble on said...

Hey heeeeeey!

Vancouver's Miss Congeniality plead guilty to riot charges. THAT's not something that happens every day...

At least she was congenial about her day in court.

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Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 11:53 said

What part of KNEEL BEFORE ZOD didn't you understand?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You choose to worship ZOD, I choose to worship Babble and her pink canoe.

KNEEL BEFORE BABBLE'S PINK CANOE!

NYT Editor said...

Disable push notifications, ya schmutz.

Anonymous said...

New Bret sighting

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the late delay, but the third Australian just read it. I now need a couple of days off work

Anonymous said...

Number 4 Oz just clocked in - you get 45 F, we get 45 C

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