Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Life Is A Highway. I Want To Ride It All Night Long. (That's Also A Song I Heard.)

Life is what you make it.  That's why today I've decided that I'm an intergalactic rock star.  I have tentacles for arms and planets for eyes, and I perform a single concert consisting entirely of Kiss covers for the entire universe once every fifty million years.  Sure, you may not have heard of me, but that's only because you live on Earth, and Earth is the biggest and most out-of-it loser planet in existence.

Speaking of life, I've made some mistakes during mine, but I've also made some awesomely sagacious decisions.  One of these was getting this badass photo-realistic tattoo backpiece:


Though it probably wasn't such a good idea to sell all my Apple stock about five years ago and invest everything I had in Cannondale:


But at least I never moved into a Brooklyn hipster death trap like this place:


Remember when everybody in New York was cashing in on the fixie craze by doing the Loctite conversion on old crappy ten speeds and then selling the resulting death traps on Craigslist?  Well, lofts are the fixies of real estate, and landlords do pretty much the same thing with buildings:

That September, an inspector determined that workers had plastered over fire sprinkler heads and ordered the building vacated. Residents came home from work to find the building padlocked; they lost their security deposits.

Yet after only a few months, construction restarted. This summer, the building began filling once again, advertised on Craigslist under varying names, like “the Sweater Factory Lofts” or “the Rustic House,” for $2,800 to $3,800 a month.

Sure, it's completely unfit for residential use, but that's what makes it so "exciting:"

Then there is Mr. Fiegel, who has reluctantly stayed because his roommates find the area exciting and the relatively low rent — $3,500 for four — almost as appealing.

“They are just amazed, because we have the loft space,” he said. “They love it here.”

I think they should try rebranding the building as the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory.

Speaking of the fixie craze, evidently it's still happening in certain parts of the world, as evidenced by this video that I learned about first from Klaus of Cycling Inquisition:




Yes, "tarck" is "barck:"


Or maybe it never went anywhere in the first place.  Either way, as with that music video from last month, I continue to be amazed that a city as cosmopolitan as London could be so embarrassingly behind the times as far as cycling fashion is concerned.  I mean look at them, skidding all over the place like a bunch of MASHy Macaputzes:


I did learn one thing from this guy though:


(You mean your LBS doesn't have a creative director?)

Which is this:

"East London seems to have been a bit of, uh, like, the birthplace of fixed gear and single speed bikes, if you like."

Wow.  That's like saying Brooklyn is the birthplace of Charles Dickens.  Then again, I suppose one appealing aspect of the fixed gear scene is that the history is as easily customizable as the bikes themselves.  I also suppose his obvious talent for fiction is why he's the creative director.

Another thing I liked about the video is that they found the one bike lane in all of London:


If my own experience riding in London is any guide then that bike lane extends for a grand total of seven feet before it leads cyclists straight into a strategically-placed "keep left" sign.

Wait, so what year is this again?


Well, I see a top tube pad (!) and bars set up to take core samples of the rider's quads, so it must be 2005.

Anyway, back to the story of the clothes, which is the real point of the video:


"They brought the revised samples over to London and we all got to try them on and actually ride them then."

Here's who I'm going to assume is the corporate suit (or "sweater") from H&M, because making assumptions is easier and more entertaining than real life:


("The Man" waiting eagerly for feedback.)


Here are the pants:


("The Pants" waiting eagerly for scranus.)

And here's a member of the hand-picked fixie focus group explaining exactly what he wants out of a cycling garment:


("There needs to be adequate crotchal room for testicular pendulation when I'm laying down a fat elephant trunk skid like they did circa 2007.")

And here's another member putting in his two cents, or pence, or whatever they opine with over there:


("The jacket closure should use buttons instead of a zipper to prevent beard entanglement.")

Most importantly, the clothes are "sustainable:"


"Already from the start when doing this collection we also thought it was really really important to make it as sustainable as possible."

That's why there's absolutely no sperm whale vulva used anywhere in this collection--with the exception of the crotch of the pants, since nothing stands up to saddle wear better than whale vulva.  Still, it's far more sustainable than Rapha, who use whale vulva in everything they make, and whose shoes are made of late-term panda abortions:
Anyway, these clothes are all about functionality, and I particularly liked this detail:


It's called the "rubbish pocket:"


Basically, the idea is that pedestrians can discard their refuse in it while you're trackstanding in the middle of the crosswalk.  (That's where the "sustainability" comes in.)  However, pedestrians should only put regular refuse in the rubbish pocket.  Recyclables should instead be stuffed down the rider's pants.

Yes, clearly mainstream retailers are beginning to cater to young bike-riding urbanites, but oddly they only seem interested in making these clothes for men.  (Or at least emotionally stunted man-boys.)  Women, on the other hand, are ignored, which is why they must turn to Kickstarter:



Says the designer:

"I've been riding my bike around Seattle for the last five years.  For me, it's the most amazing way to experience the city."

At first I was offended at the implication that Seattle can be experienced amazingly, but then I remembered that in rainy Seattle "amazing" is just a euphemism for "wet," because Seattleites have no concept of "amazing."  ("What an amazing day."  "That ride was totally amazing."  "The seat of my pants is totally amazing now."  And so forth.)

But yes, clearly women need cycling clothing too, because this project has far exceeded its fundraising goal:


Which means it shouldn't be too long before H&M totally rip her off.

Meanwhile, in the world of attempting to ride bikes fastly, a reader has sent me the following email:

crabon crash porn from the sandpit at NC cyclocross state championships 12-1-2012 

We may have lost the war, but we still like to play in the sand. Yankees go home-

Jack



Hey, I don't see any broken crabon, and it's not crabon crash porn unless the crabon breaks.  At best, this is like one of those Cinemax After Dark movies.  Plus, you don't have to tell me to go home, since I'm always careful to avoid the South because I don't want to get run over by a monster truck.  (Why you need a passport to visit another state like Canada yet you can travel freely between the US and a foreign country like the South is beyond me.)  Of course, Miami doesn't count because it's part of New York, and speaking of Miami some famous basketball players recently participated in Critical Mass:



I don't follow basketball so I tuned out everything until 1:13, at which point he said, "Critical mass, I love it."

Maybe next year we'll see him at the SSCXWC.

110 comments:

Champ said...

Podium

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

babble on said...

present!

Anonymous said...

Still got it. (ZOD)

theEel said...

weed!

Anonymous said...

O-M-G!

cycle

Anonymous said...

top 10?

Anonymous said...

Baffle, you're more than present. You're fabulous.

cycle

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wildcat KISS Machine.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top 10 to keep my gc up.

Anonymous said...

YEAH!!!

Anonymous said...

Babble is apparently wearing red underwear today.

Anonymous said...

Sat out the sprint.

Anonymous said...

Israel is a terrorist state.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

whaaaa!!!
are you posting early now so you can do your mountain bicycle bicycling in the woods?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"gentrification run amok"

As if regular gentrification was bad enough now its running amok. The more I learn about the outside world the happier I am to just live out my days in podunk flyoverville.

babble on said...

Aaaaaaaand in London if you say pants, you're actually referring to underwear, so for example it would be correct to say:

I am wearing red pants under my grey skirt today.

No, not a g-string. Shorties.

jno62 said...

Seattle is Amazing this time of year. Just amazing.

Unknown said...

my scranus is amazing.

Anonymous said...

top 8756
scranus
babble
zod
lob

Rollie Fingers said...

Life is a highway: boring, littered with tacky commercialism, and dominated by cars. Oooh dark.

babble on said...

Ok, so I'm a girl, and I ride a bike, and I wear skirts and heels, and so I get the need for great clothes you can wear on your bike. But nothing on earth could convince me to wear that grey shirt. Ever. Because I do not like the burlap sack look.

And I do not like zipping miles of extra fabric into my skirt, either. Just wear your pencil skirt to work, already, and let it hike up a bit. It's still longer than short-shorts, and at least you're not packing a tent around in your skirt all day long.

Sheesh.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

From the Wiki shirtwaist article: "The Insurance Monitor, a leading industry journal, suggested that the epidemic of fires among shirtwaist manufacturers was "fairly saturated with moral hazard."

"fairly saturated with moral hazard." -sounds like this comment section.

RBWC said...

I guess, where ever it is you're from, it's Wednesday.

I just wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day.

On second thought, Cannondale stock and tarck bikes? This blog has travelled back almost exactly five years (to the week, not the day, because it's obviously not Tuesday anymore) to December 2007. Dude(r).

Rollie Fingers said...

Corporate sweater = James Hetfield

My understanding is that there's already tons of bike-worthy clothing out there. It's called "clothing."

McFly said...

Rubbish Pocket= You Can Put Your Weed in There.

I lol'd at "Core samples of the rider's quad".

I have already bought tickets to your now SOLD OUT alien concert.

Is it true that all of your mic's come from Uranus.

Weezer said...

If you want to destroy my sweater
Pull this thread as I walk away

Anonymous said...

OOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooh. Triangle shirtwaist factory? Way to go old skool inappropriate, man. Folks would be dying to get out of there.

Anonymous said...

If it's "totally amazing"in Seattle, then it's "massive", or "brilliant" in London. Here in Boston it would just "wicked suck"!

Cipo said...

Eating in Seattle.

Brooklyn Dickens said...

Marley was dead; you got that? There is no fucking doubt about that … at … all. What, are you arguing with me about that, you piece of shit? He was dead as a fucking doornail.

Jimboner said...

I too "hope the clothes are highly cum resistant."

skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

One might consider a Victorian P-far to be fixed.

Comment deleted said...

More early 20th-century industrial accident references or imafuckingkillya.

Anonymous said...

If you live in the deathtrap lofts and are looking for some new digs;
my pants tent is available for rent, short term or long.

Sometimes the sprinklers go off, but at least you know they work.




Comment deleted said...

Can somebody please invent a shirtwaist that I can wear comfortably on a bike? I'm almost ready to give up.

le Correcteur said...

Classic post today, WRM. Core sample reference gets my thumbs up too.

babble on said...

Anon@ 11:50 - awwww, shucks. Thank you. xox

Anonymous said...

Snob,
You need to get into flyover country more often.

Out here in the not at all amazing southwest, the fixie fad is fixin' to explode.

Just a few months ago, I didn't know a fixie from a single speed, and there aren't that many single speeds with which to begin (insert punchline here). Most everyone here has at least a mountain bike, because we have real mountains and miles of single track in town.

Anyway, after reading your first book I learned to recognize a fixie first by it's rider, and then by the bike's running gear.

I now know that those gay dudes on fixies are actually hipsters, not counting a few middle-aged lone wolves.

Thanks for enlightening us rubes and rednecks. We wouldn't know what to do without New Yorkers to lead the way.






ken e. said...

"pure gold, snob!" -stolen from kenny

KISS TOUR
SKRT HIKE

Anonymous said...

Dear Bike Snob did you move to New Jersey or not?

feelers said...

Tuppence, not two pence.

P. Bateman said...

you can't ride bikes on highways snoberlongadingdong. that is just not safe. well, unless you are wearing a hehlmaht.

babble on said...

I have an obvious talent for fiction, too, because I was raised by lawyers, and grew up in law school.

babble on said...

It's like being raised by wolves, or sharks or something...

Anonymous said...

I would give a farthing for any london limey's opinion.

babble on said...

heh heh snoberlonadingdong...

that's good

Mike in Dallas said...

"Plus, you don't have to tell me to go home, since I'm always careful to avoid the South because I don't want to get run over by a monster truck."

Welcome to my world, WCRM.

annoying boston guy said...

to the builder's credit, navigating the NYC permitting process is an exercise in kafka-esque bureaucracy - but, IMO, that's no excuse for shoddy work - especially when there are germans involved.

btw, snobby, if you want to legally change the lightbulbs in your new digs, you're going to have to hire a lighting professional and expediter so you have all the necessary documentation before you submit the ED16A, EN1,EN2, PC1, and PW1. this costs about $200,000 and the approval process takes roughly 7 years. unfortunately by that time all the lights in your place will have burnt out - so I'd encourage you to file the paperwork that allows you to use a flashlight or candle before ASAP (don't know the form code off-hand). keep in mind after you file this first round of paperwork, you trigger year-long inspection process that may or may not require dental records and a "rectal probe" (the latter of which is oddly performed by the anti-graffiti task force).

Anonymous said...

Only 7 outta 50 posts by babble? C'mon Babs you can bring it up to your usual 25%, try harder.

Anonymous said...

Down here in the South, the heat makes your scranus "amazing" with sweat. For that reason, I just bring clothes to change into.



balls™

Frilly said...

Hafta agree with you regarding the grey shirt. And that poncho is an eyesore. However, I do like the skirt or at least the concept. And I absolutely adore the jacket she's wearing.

I'm a shorties kind of gal too. I hate when I have to constantly dig my undies out of my crack. Shorties just seem to stay put better.

McFly said...

Ricky Schroeder goes by Rick now. And he is kind of a bad ass ala Joseph Gordon-Levitt. FYI.

I used to be so in love with Erin Gray. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Yo Frilly maybe that thing is hungry.

McFly said...

HOLMDEL TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) — Officials have removed a relaxation drink named after reggae icon Bob Marley after several students at a New Jersey school were sickened.

Marley's Mellow Mood is promoted to reduce stress. The drink's nutrition facts say it may cause drowsiness and is not intended for children.

However, students at Satz Middle School and Holmdel High School could buy it on campus. Several middle school students were sickened on Friday.

MOREBOBMARLEYORIMAzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

JB said...

Maybe they're riding fixies ironically, to make fun of the Brooklyn hipsters? Have you ever thought of that? Huh? Have you?

I have, but it's not worth my time. I do have ironic bar ends.

JB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NickM, London said...

So Brick Lane Bikes are a bunch of, to use that descriptive epithet so popular with Wiggo, "cunts"?

No surprise there, as anybody who has visited the place will confirm.

Anonymous said...

NYC gets more rain than SEA.

The human brain is the perfection of millions of years of evolution toward one goal: being self-assuredly wrong about shit. Why the fuck is that?

Jim Moore said...

Sperm whale vulva...late-term panda abortions...so profanely funny I almost amazed myself. BSNYC...more than just good spondee.

babble on said...

Yeah, the jacket she's wearing is cute. And it isn't part of her collection...

Nice to see you, Frilly.

babble on said...

Nick o' London - ok, but you have to remember that a cunt is a good thing. It's good.

Like a cocksucker. That's good, too, right?

JB said...

Cheap folders (Melon?) here

Dooth said...

There's not a more fatuous sight in cycling, than a plaid-shirted, tight jeans-wearing, beardedzzzzzz...

babble on said...


Anon@ 2:01 - better?

McFly said...

What was the one with "Boner" in it? Oh that was Babble On.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

babble on said...

every day... like brushing my teeth. It's good for you.

Dooth said...

D.Wade is an NBA playa...he meant to say: "I LOVE critical ass!"

McFly said...

nononononononono....No teeth.

Teeth + Boner = Not Pleasant

Dooth said...

I use a belt to make my pants sustainable.

Anonymous said...

Our brains have evolved to figure out a way to get laid, and reproduction is just a by-product of getting laid.

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leroy said...

Sorry I'm late. I've been riding around Brooklyn using a map my dog sold me that shows the homes of Brooklyn's literary stars.

It's amazing.

And by amazing, I mean slightly soggy from doggy drool -- but no so soggy as to wash off the crayola highlights.

Did you know that Charles Dickens, Norman Mailer, Truman Capote, Martin Amis, and BSNYC all once lived here?

Honestly, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

For another $10, my dog promises he'll show me where Fred Gipson ("Old Yeller"), Norman Bridwell ("Clifford the Big Red Dog"), and John Grogan ("Marley & Me")lived.

And he'll throw in the Guy de Maupassant residence for free.

Vegas said...

"lofts are the fixies of real estate" hahaha
morearchitecturalreferencesorimafookinkeelya

Vegas said...

And at least Snob finally told us where he lives. Good luck with your condemnedway loft, Wild Contractor sheetRock Machine.

BIZARRO ZOD said...

SAVE THE PATELLAS

Anonymous said...

And now he lives near Kerouac's old prep school...the prosody returns to its cradle.

crosspalms said...

You mean like Hopalong Prosody?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wow, a Guy de Maupassant reference. Brilliant. Let's not leave out Gustave Flaubert, Honore de Balzac or the incomparable Antoine de Saint Exupery, all Lefferts Gardens residents if I am not mistaken.

bikesgonewild said...

...wow !!!...

..."...life is a highway...
i want to ride it all night long...
if you're going my way...
i want to drive it all night long..."
...

...in my book, tom cochran penned one of THE absolute killer rock n' roll road songs with that...

...while it got good air-play, i felt personally insulted that it didn't become a major hit down here in canada'a bike sweaty scranus...

...the tune, the lyrics, the ride...

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of great literary references, as i recall, leroy once posted a short video of his dog reading the dr suess classic, "the hat in the hat" at one of his 'dogs playing poker nights' with his bowser pals...

...it quickly desended into a terrible cacaphony of woofs n' howls...

McFly said...

So they are upgrading Titanic and making it in 3D.

They have re-scripted it to make it more relateable to a younger generation.

In the new treatment the Captain hits the iceberg because he was preoccupied from the texting.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...i'm dreaming...of some red panties,
...those are the ones i'd like to know...
...where those sweet lips glisten...
...as i raptly listen...
...to hear her soft sighs gently flow..."
...

...i'm hoping to do a lovely song collabo w/ bing crosby in the future...

McFly said...

OMG i jus hit a iceburg LOL

RODL

(Roll On Deck Laughing)

Anonymous said...

I look at that kickstarter from Iva Jean,
and I think she has quite good taste. Her designs are interesting.

Of course, everybody has different tastes in clothing.

But there is a thing like elegance and style, which these designs have.
The opposite is big furry boots and garish high heels. Like someone said last week, that's tacky.


(Please excuse my english)

Anonymous said...

McFly, I used to be in love with Wilma Deering in Buck Rodgers. Erin Grey was hot in those tight space suits. Princess Ardala was hot too! Silver Spoons was just to wierd for me.

McFly said...

That big ass gold gladiator bracelet the Iva Jean lady had on was pretty baller. You could use that sumbitch to deflect laser beams and shit. That's Xena Warrior Princess on an Electra.

Anonymous said...

Ali Raza,
Tell us more tales of these Mediterranean women.....

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 6:34PMS - *sound of cat growling/hissing*

Anonymous said...

If tomorrow's title is not a Lou Gramm song I am going to be PISSED.

leroy said...

Tomorrow: Muskrat Love. Just sayin'.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm gonna be a little busy tomorrow so I won't be participating in the commenting until later.

babs can have the podio again.

Geo Douche'cappie said...

I rode for the free dope man.

Cipo said...

I have smoked my own testosterone and I must admit it was fook'in AWESOME!

ken e. said...

@RCT: love the fresh bike smell.

poppa wheelie!

Flammer said...

Oh, the English. Born with the certainty of social hierarchy and their place in it. Either surly because of their envy of superiors or grovelling to their masters.

They're an unhygienic lot as well. Hide your money from them under the soap. I once shared a Fulham flat with one who chewed his toenails.

They love their tribal costumes. Just look at the soft, white boys with beards and fixed gears.

The other idiocy of the English is their love of banks. They have 'bank holidays' and anyone who does the bookkeeping is a banker. Merchant bankers are all cunts. What the fuck do they do except drive banks into insolvency and then squeal to HM government for bail out cash. Yes, I know it sounds like fucking A-merican banks, but the English are far worse. The bankers and the ruling party have nothing that differentiates them; Labour or Cuntservative. 'Male' Social Democrats have no dicks and the women are cretins. So, a couple of generations of tax payers will be subsidising the stupidity of bankers.

Of course the Irish are even worse. They believed the English bullshit and spun themselves back into their traditional poverty. I think they'er happiest there anyway.

babble on said...

I love the woofs and howls. Adore them. Catcalls have their place, too, in a way. Shows people are engaged, right?

Anon @ 6:34 - yes, it`s true, garish and tacky was it? I console myself knowing fashionable taste changes with the tides, but tacky is timeless.

The man sez I was too hard on our intrepid kickstarter, Iva Jean and that I should not think of it as fashion, but as a means of inspiring women to get out on their bikes. Fair enough. Frilly, it's true, the concept is brill. Perhaps it's possible to tuck a wee tent in there like that without it somehow looking like a duvet. Anything is possible, right?

One thing is certain. I would dearly love to see more women out on bikes, for sure for sure for sure, daring to wear whatever they want, tacky or not.

The more I learn of Dolly Parton, the more I respect her. She is perhaps the most augmented, adorned and artificial icon of our times, and yet she is absolutely gorgeous, an entirely genuine human beauty, with a heart as big as Texas. She's my favourite paradox.

She said, during a recent interview with Jian Ghomeshi, that her signature "look" is based on her childhood impression of the town tramp.

Bless you, Dolly, for showing me how to love and honour my inner tramp. And thank you for your endcouragement and support, ye friends of the commenteratti.

babble on xox

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Dear Flammer,

Please cease and desist in denegrating the venerable cunt by associating it with bankers and politicians.

Iceland did it right. They jailed the bankers and bailed out the people.

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Yacht charter dubai is a thrilling journey and everyone should avail such opportunity as its life time fun.

bikesgonewild said...

...while it's pretty obvious that i'm a fan, babble & i do tend to stand up in defense of those whose 'work' i enjoy, were i, you, i'd not give anon 6:34 (excusable english or not) quite the 'acceptable response' leeway you did...

...you don't need my help but "...tacky...garish...", really ???...whilst you, myself, mcfly & others might show questionable taste (ie: tacky) in certain turns of phrase or subject material at times, anon 6:34 has gotta have issues if he/she can look at your 'dressed to bike for work' outfits & call them "...tacky..." or "...garish..."...

...sheesh !!!...(shakes head & wonders 'wtf')...

Flammer said...

Dearest babble on,

What are my alternatives?

Flammer.

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The People Who Won the Lottery said...

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Daft Cunt, Manchester said...

As a bearded, tight jeans and plaid shirt wearing single speed bicycle enthusiast, I find Brick Lane Bikes offensive.

babble on said...

Flamnmer... how about we just call them criminals? If the shoe fits, 'n' all that...

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