Just asking for a friend whose name is me. Also, what exit for Roosevelt Field Mall? I have some holiday shopping to do and figured I'd knock it out while I've still got some time left on this giant Zipcar:
Speaking of cleaning up, it looks like they're going to take away Lance Armstrong's Olympic bronze, or they're not, or what's the difference anyway?
Lately I've been fed up with professional cycling, but I'm beginning to realize that the problem lies with me, because I've been viewing it as a sport and not as what it really is, which is essentially long periods of clerical work interspersed by pointless bursts of bike riding. They might as well just get rid of the bikes at this point and turn the whole thing over to the lawyers and acronymous organizations. Hopefully by next year the Tour de France will just be a bunch of people sitting around a conference table for three weeks--at least that way it's less likely someone will fall into a barbed wire fence:
(The suits "hammer it out" during the Queen Stage of the 2013 Tour de France.)
And with any luck, justice will be served and Armstrong will lose that medal, because he's a disgrace to the clean athletes with whom he shared that podium:
Then they can give the bronze to the fourth place finisher, Abraham Olano:
(ONCE's team slogan was actually "We are drugs.")
Abraham Olano was the "courtesy vehicle" Spain gave its cycling fans after Miguel Indurain broke down.
Also, it's worth noting that I recently received an email containing this documentary trailer:
The Last Kilometer / L'Ultimo Chilometro / movie trailer from Stuffilm on Vimeo.
And apparently an olympic doping scandal is now something you want to have on your palmarès, right up there with your Classics victories:
So there you go.
In any event, if you're wondering how Armstrong is dealing with all this ignominy, it looks like he's doing what any bike dork would do, which is drowning his sorrows in crabon and titanium:
Sure he's lost seven Tourses de Frances and millions of dollars in sponsorships, but after years of having to ride Treks he can finally buy a Moots and become the gigantic Fred he's always wanted to be. I'm sure those Exquisite Welds™ make it all seem worth it.
Anyway, so, like, remember when I mentioned the holidays? Well it's the holidays:
Whoops, wrong holiday! I meant the Judeo-Christian Consumer Pillage-A-Thon:
I could watch that all day. Actually, someone really needs to make a holiday-themed adventure movie about Black Friday. Santa would drive a tank and kill everyone on the "naughty" list, and his Semitic doppelganger would burn enemy shoppers alive with his flame-throwing Menorah of Death.
Needless to say, if you haven't started your holiday shopping yet you need to GET OUT THERE NOW OR EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE GONE! And tops on my list for stuff to get for my cycling buddies that don't exist is a pair of Chari & Co. Genghis Khan Winter Gloves:
Yes, for only $95 you too can ride around looking like you're giving Bugs Bunny a prostate exam. Best of all, these gloves are vegan. That doesn't mean that they aren't made out of real animals, it just means that the rabbits subsisted on vegan diets before they were humanely (and anally) electrocuted
Or, if you prefer, you can always give the gift of charity by making a donation in somebody's name. So what's the hot new cause this year? AIDS? No, Bono cured that years ago. Sandy relief? Nah, I'm sure they fixed everything by now. Rabbit rescue? Nonsense, if the bunnies didn't want to be gloves they wouldn't be so warm and adorable.
No, this year the true holiday season philanthropist will make a donation in your name to a worthy Kickstarter campaign. Here's one that's surely worthwhile:
Sure, anybody can make Rivendell-esque bikes, but it takes a true entrepreneur to make Rivendell-esque bikes and also come up with a name for the company that isn't Rivendell. See, that's where the $70,000 dollars comes in:
Help them help you buy a bike that is available already from any number of existing manufacturers--though this one's made in Portland:
Which, to be honest, is no longer a selling point for me. Frankly, I think it's time to boycott Portland, completely out of spite. Instead, let's all buy stuff from Cleveland for awhile. Granted, I have no idea if people in Cleveland actually make anything, or if they do whether it's even any good, but either way let's inflate their artisanal economy until it becomes a self-parody and someone makes a show called "Clevelandia," at which point we can abandon them too and pick some other city, or else go back to Portland if they've regained a sufficient degree of humility, which is pretty doubtful.
Speaking of gratuitous bike brands, no bike company is more gratuitous than Budnitz, and if you're thinking of Budnitzing that special someone this holiday season then you should bypass the regular Budnitz in favor of a special limited edition "collabo" Budnitz (or "collabnitz") as forwarded to me by a reader:
Clearly seconds, if not actual minutes, went in to the "curation" of this very special bicycle:
In addition to the meticulous handmade frame and custom titanium components of all Budnitz bikes (which normally start at around $2,600), this limited edition model sports an Uncrate matte orange paint job and is geared-up with a waterproof Turtleshell bluetooth boombox by Outdoor Technology, a custom 6-pack carrier hand-sewn in Colorado by Topo Designs (which just so happens to perfectly match our Topo x Uncrate Backpack), Brooks all-black grips and seat, and a titanium Budnitz Beer Wrench.
Boombox? Six-pack carrier? In other words, it's a designer version of the department store bike your neighborhood wino rides. Hopefully they left in the trademark creaking from which the Budnitz derives all its character.
Or, if you're just in the market for a stocking stuffer, why not get your all your friends some clipless pedals?
See? They're way more efficient.
134 comments:
Bass solo!
podio!
Argon is an inert gas with excellent shielding properties.
I don't know what that means but I always say it when people are talking about welding.
I have had blowback from in a couple of convo's by people much smarter than me but argon is an inert gas with excellent shielding properties.
Cat 6 1st!
awww missed it by that much
awww missed it by that much
KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.
Hurts. (ZOD)
Was trying today. (ZOD)
The numbers don't lie, two minutes off the pace.
Nice podium today, boys. Now go bring me some of yr pee-pee.
I am pretty sure the Cougar(tm) in Image#3 is demonstrating perfect "Reach-around Hand Positioning" for the EpicSexyTimes Talks.
Good day, peeps!
HERP DERP
Winning! Top 20
ENABLE COOKIES ENABLE COOKIES
My dog gave me my holiday present early.
http://www.soundboard.com/sb/Barking_Sound_effects
Hey all!
cycle
Thems that die be the lucky ones!!
Non-Anon Cat 6 top 6 -Nice.
"Santa's Semitic doppelganger"
Still loling over that one. Only on bsnyc. I love you man.
Fall off boy sounds like that Family Guy guy when he banged his knee. Wanker.
I seem to become more interested in gloves as winter descends, but no way would I want to ride around looking like Mad Max in that stupid Beaver movie.
The best gloves have the fur on the inside.
I'm a dumbass and I crashed when I forgot to clip out. Yea, I'm putting that on youtoob.
Really? Does this guy also post first person P.O.V. film of every dump he takes?
balls™
Yes, Paul Bowen, it did.
But he was hamming it up for the internet. I tip over like that all the time, for even lamer reasons, and I just get back up and head for the next fall.
I am extremely comforted that anal electrocution is finally illegal in New York.
Menorah of Death: klezmer/metal band name
You should just run with it. You're supposed to be happy.
While you're out cleaning streets and drinking large quantities of vodka, you could just head west to Washington state, pick up your LEGAL bag of weed and bring it home to Mrs Wildcat, who may need it to see her through her long and lonely wait till your release.
While you're on the inside, think bike, not street-sweeper.
Made In Cleveland
I've solved your folding bike dilemma Snobben. Behold the glory of the 'Cobra Folding Recumbednitz Bikecycle Cycle'
http://www.buybuybicycles.com/cobra_recumbent_bicycle.htm
Weighing in at a paltry 12kgs
And Jens Voigt-- like the fucking knuckleheads who quote and 'retweet' (pardon my German)-- saw nada, and swallowed, shot up and 'embrocated' (pardon my Latin) with even less.
re: Lance's Olympic medal, take that AND double-digit IQ "Tommy D." and Tyler "Tugboat Made Me Do It" Hamilton's Mt. Washington hardware away and I'll ride happy.
Does the street sweeper actually pick anything up, seems more like it sends every particulate on the street flying into my wheels when it buzzes me :( Plus it has the sprayers on the sides giving you extra amazing Seattle days.
Gee, so much to comment on today but all I can think of is how nice the bike ride was this morning. Cat 6'd some unsuspecting Freds on the flatter part of the trail, lol. Snob, you're the best.
HAHAHA! I like how clipless fall-down guy looks around to see if anyone saw him fall right over like on Laugh-In.
THAT'S RIGHT, I FUCKIN MENTIONED LAUGH-IN. BOOOSH
"Whoops, wrong holiday! I meant the Judeo-Christian Consumer Pillage-A-Thon"
Ramadan, Hannukah, Chanukkhah, Christmas,
Classic lines, WRM!
So, that last video is what Go Pro cams are REALLY for, huh?
1980s Peugeot.
It sounded downright pornographic if you didn't look at the video!
Rollie Fingers: I always have that exact sensation (of being Artie Johnson on a tricycle) when I forget to unclip.
I can't stand it any longer. Babble you've got to be digging those Chari & Co. rabbit hand puppets. Those would be right at home with your raccoon footwear.
That Ocean Air bike shown near the water? That's NOT THE OCEAN. FALSE ADVERTISING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess River Air doesn't sound quite so fresh.
So, last time I fell over on my bike because of inability to get into or out of my clipless pedals, was, let me see, back in the early or mid 1990s. It happened the first week I bought my new Look pedals after using the traditional cleat/ clip/ strap triumvirate up until that point.
I'm starting to feel self conscious, like I'm doing something wrong. After all, if my seventh favorite semi-professional bike blogger is doing it, and a big portion of the commentariat are doing it, then I NEED to keep up with the cool kids. I'll also start clipping out on the ramp u-turn to the GWB and when going around the bridge towers.
I suck.
We manufacture artisinal crack. And murder.
Go Browns!
Two things:
Did you get flame-throwing Menorah of Death from an Indiana Jones story?
Do you think Lance and Louis are related?
You see Warriors? You see what you get when you mess with the Orphans!
Rob Perk's "tell" is at 2:23 when he makes double jack-off hands and asks you for money.
Building up some sweet spondee, not. Lanci-Poo, meet the ink blot!
I had no idea thatback in the day Olano rode for Douche Bank. How awesome.
Mikeweb: you're just not enough of a space-case. It happens to me about once a year. The last time, I had circled back by a pair of riders stopped on the side of the ride to make a repair. As I asked if they needed any help, I unclipped the right foot, except I was leaning left.
Exit stage right, bleeding and embarrassed.
What a give-away in the Kickstarter vid: "… here in California."
He'll have the Portland gnomes build his frames, but he won't go there himself!
Probably a sensible approach, actually.
Much as I enjoyed professional wrestling as a child, I will continue to enjoy the entertainment value of professional cycling. Just enjoy the show.
I agree with your view on the Ocean Cycles brand. I really wanted an Ocean, but the brand building and almost have pity on my new "company" attitude, just got to me. I am sticking with my CrossCheck!!
LEGAL weed.
Our local video store has incrediblly hot women that work at it. It's like the diner on that episode of Seinfeld.
I rolled up there nice and slow and an old buddy of mine caught my eye leaving the parking lot and neglecting to unhook and fell over in front of all of them thanks to a huge plate glass window for their viewing pleasure.
I get a text 3 minutes later from him that said VERY SMOOOOTHHHH MCFLY, YOU GOT THEM RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT THEM.
More designer wino bikes or imafuckinkillya
I don't even run clipless on my recumbent. No way, not worth the risk.
Has Kickstarter changed its name to Kickstander? Anyway, why do you need $70k in kickstarter money to start a bespoke framery? I thought that the normal trajectory was for bespoke framers to build bikes for their friends and hope to build up a reputation so that somebody may someday decide that you are good enough to justify purchasing that which you have given your friends for free.
McFly - your town has a video store. Where do you live, 1995?
Hey McFly did your local video store have the little special room off to the side? I always liked to make my selection of the evenings entertainment from there and then hand it off to the cutest hottie working the checkout.
RCT - Ok, I have to fess up... Back in the day when I rode through Edmonton winters (same latitude, same when hell freezes over cold weather) I had a real pair of fur gauntlet mittens which I LOVED! Never had cold fingers once, not even at -40c (which is -40f)
But those were real fur, made by real Inuit people, not vegan fake rabbit mitts. Mind you, the fake rabbit mitts would match my fake fur legwarmers which masquerade as furry boots, it's true.
okokokokok, it's true. Sigh. I admit it. I would wear them.
Dear Snob - why, oh why do you taunt me thus?
And her feral beaver.
Perry if you haven't picked up on it many of us are active time travellers. Just keep it on the lowdown you know can't have too many kids in the club.
I prefer the Adolf Hitler Winter Gloves. They don't work well in Russia, however. [Godwin's Law]
FILTHY. CURTAIN
SKEET SPONDEE
Perry +7:17
I don't think it does. In my younger years my BFF owned a local store and his partner told him one day I owed them roughly $3000 for all the free porn I had skitched.
Jerry, they write it off.
You don't even know what write it off means.
No. But they do. And they are the one's writing it off.
@ Perry: No, Paris, Tennessee, which is like 1989.
[I kid, McFly]
What? Only a single comment about anal electrocution?
The recent caliber of these comments would have suggested otherwise...
Bugs Scranus.
Well, McFly is certainly a time traveler.
Though, they do it a little differently in Tennessee.
babble... gloves just aren't really appreciated unless you manually bash-in the brains of the animal they came from. Non-Canadians just don't get this.
Similarly, it's just not in the spirit of Christmas down South, unless you've dislodged a few teeth and thrown a hard elbow for that gift Dustbuster. I'm sure this is exactly what Jebus and the Great Lob had in mind.
"they do it a little differently in Tennessee."
Fuck yeah, a time machine that runs entirely on moonshine and cocaine. Fuck that carbon footprint.
I had a chemist in Parma crystalize my testosterone. Snorted it!
Now I can sort of sense what 'IT' is that podia princesses find so alluring and fascinating about the 'Cipo.'
"IT" is the fook'in AWESOME dudes!
So we get to see the guy fall then spend the other half of the video looking for his dignity.
Buy some platform pedals, ya moron.
Not just Tennessee.
This place is around the corner from me. And they just dropped some $$ to renovate the place. I haven't gone in, but feel that it would be like visiting a museum.
'Sodomize me up the scooter' Elmo*
*ages 4 to 9
$99.99
Nice. Is that a John DeLorean/ Dennis Anderson collabo?
If you know who Dennis Anderson is you are so fu-king busted.
Spondee, how I love ya' how I love ya, my dear old spodee, etc., etc.
@McFly: I'm from Alabama and I have no idea who Dennis Anderson is.
Whose leg are they pulling???
95$ for faux rabbit and plastic @chari & co. or 109 European fun tickets for rabbit and leather, or is it cat, anyway
http://www.hutstuebele.com/Handschuhe-aus-Leder-und-Kaninchenfell.html
Ah yes, L'Ultimo Chilometro, the sequel to the legendary Le Penultimo Chilometro.
Yeah uhhhhhh....me neither...
You have a lame accident on your bike, and you begin to moan like the insufferable hipster pussy that you are over a very, very minor fall from a distance of around 2.5 feet.
You are the only one around to witness this, save for your own camera that you've mounted to your own head or helmint.
Do you:
-stop your lame whining and realize you are not actually hurt and laugh it off and go on your way
or,
-continue to moan and whine like a giant labia and tinker with your bike for some inexplicable reason (probably because you don't really know what that dangly thing by your rear wheel is) and then go home to post your video on HipsterTubes so that everyone can witness your EPIC bike riding adventure.
The choices seems obvious. What then, is wrong with these people that feel compelled to film anything and everything?
Tiny, affordable, portable cameras are the worst invention ever. Well, great for making home made porn, but otherwise a tool for just the worst kind of people.
mikeweb, worth clipping out at those spots for your own safety to be able to dodge a hapless Fred.
whaa? Dennis Anderson of GRAAAAVEE DIGGGER..at the FAIRGROUNDS..fairgrounds...this SATURDAY..saturday.
Me and the missus/sister used ta go all the time in Charlotte.
Ocean Air Cycles? That's like a ship builder naming itself City Smog Yachts.
Budshitz bikes come with Brooks "Seats". Not Saddles...seats.
Says it all
and that idiot Moby likes 'em too
'Sodomize me up the scooter' Elmo*
*ages 4 to 9
$99.99
I bought "Vague Inappropriate Relationship Elmo*" for $59.98 at Walmart.
*ages 15 and up, if anyone asks you.
Mr. Bike Snob, I'm sure at least one little girl or boy will get a bicycle for Christmas that was purchased on Black Friday. Sorry, I'm looking for the silver lining.
Uh, WCRM, Johnny H was PUSHED into a barbwire fence by a car; he didn't fall. That's a pretty freakin' huge difference...
Mr. Bike Snob, speaking of silver linings, are there silver linings to Fred-dom or Lycra Loutery.
Silly snob, the clean athletes are never on the podium. That is the problem right there. Don't give up hope.
Once upon a time
there was a cycling team
called ONCE
whose members oozed
ounces of dope
in blood samples.
Anon 3:16,
Then why is it not called a "saddlepost"?
Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!
hahaha saddlepost
I think a 'saddle post' is the move that hunnee bunnee used on me last night.
If the Budnutzes come with one of those, I'll take it.
Dear Mr. Mike in Dallas,
"Falling" is an appropriate verb whether you are pushed into or direct yourself into a fence.
"Fall" does not suggest fault.
In terms of the injury derived from contacting barbed wire, it does not matter if the videographer's car pushes one or a depressed squirrel shuffles off this mortal coil, and across one's path, forcing one fenceward.
In terms of grammar, starting a critique with "uh," suggests one breathes through one's mouth and should be avoided.
In terms of advice, if "people call, say Beware doll, you're bound to fall," do not assume "they were all just kidding you."
You can all suck the cobra's tail!
MikeWeb,
Did she "saddlepost" you good and hard? I tried to tell you DEEPER was a horrible safe-word.
Dear Mr. Mikeweb --
Re your comment at 1:20.
So that explains the derisive hooting I keep hearing on the GWB.
And I blamed my dog.
I owe him an apology.
And an explanation why I giggled when he offered to sell me "genuine faux rabbit fur" gloves.
Unless, of course, he was just trying to drive up the price.
P Bateman - I like that you recognize the value of home porn, but I don't understand why you compared that whining weasel with a lovely labia...
@anon 4:12,
I'll have to ask her. I passed out pretty quickly.
leroy, I get that too. I always assumed it had something to do with the jets on approach to Laguardia.
SPD faceplant ...
s'cuse me while I kiss the earth
...jeez..."seatposting...anal electrocution...fur gloves..."...
...i can't tell if this was a fun date or a perv party...
Fall-over boy's video would be more fun had he been using toe clips and straps. Then we would get to hear him cry as he's still strapped to the bike with it lying on top of him.
As the kids say "That would have the LOLZ"
I'm pretty sure they make Van Swerigens somewhere near Cleveland. Hand crafted by genuine shakers (not the douchey kind).
I passed on a $39.99 Keeping Our Special Secret Secret Elmo
Perv parties are fun dates, too, you know...
Patrick Dempsey makes the cover of Bicycling the Magazine(tm) and I gots to flip ALL THE WAY to page 20 before I get to a hottie in Yoga specific clothing?
Come on Wildcat I thought you were runnin' shit up in there.
PIZZA BOYS GOT A GLOBE BEEEECHEZ!!!
So she calls me on my way home from work and says to me "Come to the eye doctors' office I am picking out new glasses and since you will be looking at them you can do it".
Ermahgerd I picked out some hot dark framed sexy nerd one's and she totally fell for it.
We are totally going to play study-hall tonight. And I am going to win.
...you DO have a point there, my friend...
...& i could only imagine it might be tastefully played out, no matter the extreme...
NERD HEAD
ISHI ELDS
SORR YHUN
...ummm, my comment is for babbles, bangles n' beads...
...mcfly's got his own row to hoe...
...just sayin'...
Excuse me, does anyone have any ideas as to where I night procure some beats headphones?
Loudspeakers Beats Headphones anytime.
I'll take no part in this
Acronymous?
STOP MAKING UP WORDS, MAN!
Don't make me go all lexographer on your ass, man.
i think the next best idea from ridding clipless pedals on your peugeot is standing in the middle of the road examining your shitty bike after you just ate shit, no?
"Flame-throwing Menorah of Death" since when does the Israeli military ever get close enough to an enemy to use a flame thrower? On the news they're always raining death from above, like to that guy in the car a few weeks ago in Gaza. Just like the Americans except the Jews have video in color in hi-death, while the US has this grainy black & white film noir retro film festival look.
BGW @ 4:53 wins the Internet for today.
1:10+ of Black Friday vid: lady biting some dude's hand = awlsome.
Internet Judge exposed.
Betcha rambling ocean man does yoga. He's so West Coast he practically lives in Hawaii.
meta slimWhen people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over.
Wow. Profound spam. I'm confused.
Prenjoyed Lord Byron autograph model spondeemeter ...
Handcrafted in ENGland.
$89,999.99
Very cool information. You guys are doing greats stuff.
Try to say "greats stuff" 5 times in a row.
Hell, try to say it one time in a row.
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/neil-young-its-time-to-get-real-on-carbon-20121207
Hey Leroy - my dog wants to hang out with your dog. He knows some hot females labs that love to party. Does he ever come to PA?
cycle
Trying to understand why u keep pooping on Portland? Me suspects your self bicyclesteem is threatened. Or are u compensating for a small bottom bracket?
I don't think you wrote that BSNYC: Too much hate, not enough sarcasm:Are you subbing out now?
NICE PODIUM AND JUST HAPPENING......
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