Wednesday, November 28, 2012

"Wednesday" spelled backwards is "Yadsendew." Think about it.

Once in awhile, people ask me questions electronically.  This is because I'm so approachable electronically.  Recently, the most common questions have been, in reverse order of frequency:

3) Why do you suck so much at everything you do?

Look, I don't know, I just do.  What do you want from me?


2) How do you tell the weather from inside now that you've moved and no longer have a view of the ursine man who's always smoking on his fire escape?

Easy, I study the hue and volume of the exhaust fumes emanating from the luxury cars as they drop off children at the elite prep school on the corner.  Or, if it's a weekend, I just throw cash out the window to determine how windy it is.

1) Some variation of the following:


(I just figured out you can embed Tweets, coincidentally just after I figured out what "embed" means.)

I've probably said it before because I repeat myself endlessly and I'll say it again because I repeat myself endlessly: don't come visit New York City and waste your time in bike shops.  This is not to say I have anything against hardworking bike shop proprietors.  Quite the contrary--I hope they all make a million billion zillion dollars.  It's just that, as a gigantic bike dork, I know how important it is to take a break once in awhile from being a gigantic bike dork, and visiting one of the greatest cities in the world is a perfect opportunity to do just that.  Seriously, just give it a rest.  Go to a museum.  Go to the theee-ay-ter.  Go eat some of that spicy food that the "ethnics" are so good at making.  Go to a trendy bar and rob some hipsters, who are the only group in New York City more haplessly inept than the tourists.

Nevertheless, I do acknowledge that a great city's "bike culture" is worthy of some degree of exploration.  The problem is that there's only so much you're going to learn by standing around in a bike shop and watching the staff service New York City's disgusting overabundance of filthy rich Freds.  (Or, increasingly, New York City's disgusting overabundance of haplessly inept hipsters.)  Therefore, I think what the city needs is a Museum of Cycling, a place where bike dork tourists can satisfy their curiosity in a single visit.  In fact, I may open just such a place, since thanks to Obama's liberal regime the government is handing out cultural endowments and grants like Mario Cipollini hands out herpes:


(Mario Cipollini giving Danilo Di Luca his trademark "herpes hand-up.")

By the way, speaking of grants, this portrait was commissioned by the US government and paid for with taxpayer funds:


Some might say that $500,000 is a bit much, but I say that America now has its Mona Lisa.

So right, the museum.  Well, once the funding comes through and I get that loft in West Chelsea, I'm first going to buy that Cipo portrait for a million dollars.  Then, I'm going to curate (which doesn't require quotes around it for once) such permanent installations as:

Badass Food Delivery Bikes


It's not a truly badass New York City food delivery bike unless the motocross fender is "slammed" against the saddle rails.

New York City's Greatest Freds of All Time



This exhibit will feature all the accomplished professionals who used New York City's stultifying round-and-round-Central-and-Prospect-Parks racing scene as their springboard to the elite ranks of competitive cycling.  GFOATS include George Hincapie, George Hincapie, and various other dopers you've long since forgotten if you've even heard of them in the first place.

The Hall of Byrne


The consummate New York City cyclist, David Byrne does not own a car, nor does he own a car, and this exhibit will be dedicated to his many contributions to New York City bicycle culture, including an exhaustive retrospective of his whimsical bike racks:


(Lip.  Rack.  Now that's good spondee.)

With a typical u-lock you can just about secure the bike by the front wheel only.  Now that's good design.

Not only that, but Byrne has committed to designing my museum's bike racks, and he promises they'll be his most impractical designs yet.  Here's an early sketch he sent me on a cocktail napkin:

An elegantly minimalist sweeping arch, he calls it the "Steal Me."

Oh, there's also going to be one more permanent exhibit:

The Sleep-Inducing Bicycle Historian Who Constantly Reminds You That There Used To Be Six-Day Races At Madison Square Garden


Did you know there used to be six-day races at Madison Square Park?  Sure you did, people bring it up constantly.  And what does that mean?  Absolutely nothing.  There also used to be a cholera epidemic.  Track racing is not coming back.  Get with it already.

Anyway, obviously there will also be changing exhibitions that are more in tune with the zeitgeist, and the first one will probably be a series of photographic portraiture called "Ass Cracks Across the Williamsburg Bridge."

Moving on, I find myself moving on in life, by which I mean I'm confronting the fact that I'm getting to be an old fuddy-duddy with an uninteresting lifestyle.  This realization creeps up on people in various ways.  Some people never realize it.  Other people realize it when they discover they need a toupé.  (I don't need a toupé, I just stick the hair that collects in the shower drain to my cranium with soap scum.) Still others realize it when they figure out that they need Viagra.  (I don't need Viagra since I don't have genitals.)  As for me, I realized it when I suddenly discovered I badly wanted a folding bike:


I haven't actually gotten a folding bike yet, but I think it's only a matter of time, and that's a scary notion to contemplate.  The thing is, due to geography and new travel requirements I want to be able to get on and off of different trains and stuff yet still have a bike with me, and so all of a sudden I find myself exploring a contraption about which I know little.  So, like any consumer, I find myself studying manufacturer websites:


I guess you could say I'm under "life pressures," assuming you consider shopping for a folding bike a life pressure.  I'm also under economic pressure, in that I live underneath a gigantic mountain of money and huge amounts of cash do weigh a lot.  However, I'm under no environmental pressure whatsoever, since I don't care what my crabon toof pirnt is, nor do I worry about the cost of gas, since even though I OWN A CAR I burn very little gas with it.  Really, I have only two concerns, which are as follows:

1) Which folding bike should I get?

and

2) Where can I get a bear suit to wear while riding it?

Feel free to offer answers to one, both, or none of these questions in the comments.

Lastly, bike racing person Barry Wicks asked me to mention some sort of cyclocross beer-and-pushup contest in Bend, Oregon:

Frankly, I was enraged and disgusted.  How dare he ask me that?  In fact, I was so mad that I didn't even realize I was posting the flyer, and by the time I figured out what I was doing it was too late.

I told you I suck at everything.


235 comments:

1 – 200 of 235   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

Podium 2 days running!!

Anonymous said...

Swift Folder dude.

babble on said...

goooooood morning!

The Magnificent Omri said...

Podium1

singlespeedwaster said...

You mean this was Wednesday? How'd that happen?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Robot.

Astroluc said...

Fizzle

Serial Retrogrouch said...

diez

babble on said...

STRIDA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAY better than a brompton. Besides, where else are you going to find a bike that looks like it came from a Kinder Egg??

babble on said...

Forget the bear suit. Just go bare nekkkid.

vantage said...

late 'cause I stopped to read. top 100.

babble on said...

Does the snoring just continue for three minutes and twenty two seconds, then?

Like I don't get enough of that in real life...

babble on said...

Anon@ 10:57 - how do we know it was actually you? HMMMM???

vantage said...

As much as I like the downward view photos that babble's posts over yonder, I'm wondern' when podium is going to start posting photos of an upward view.

rural 14 said...

1st snow skid!

ant 2nd!

RB1 said...

tire pressure.

i have a dahon which i like well enough. but when i get off the train in london, i always get really jealous when i watch the brompton people unfold their bikes with a flick of the wrist.

bear suits i don't know about.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well you can do what you want Wildcat but now that I'm entering my dotage I too fancy a folder. I'm going with the Brompton if for no other reason I like British humor you know Python, graham norton, BBC. And the fact that most of the greatest classic rock bands came from that place. I like the new James Bond movie but I haven't seen it yet.

dirtbag said...

remember, not everything that sucks is bad...

babble on said...

STRIDA is British too, and it folds easier than a Brompton.

dnk said...

I think you've actually suggested a way out of this middle-aged crisis (was it just me, or did I read "middle age crisis" all over this post?). Anyway, to the point: You can make your own bear suit by digging hair out of your shower drain and attaching it to your body with soap scum...

babble on said...

PLUS When you ride a Strida you spread happiness everywhere you go, because people always smile when they see someone perched on top of a triangle.

babble on said...

You won't need a bear suit cause you already look like a circus bear...

Anonymous said...


babble on said...
Anon@ 10:57 - how do we know it was actually you? HMMMM???

Just like Lance knows who won those Tours De Doping, _I_ know I took 1st 2 days running.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Very triangley babble.

agentdetroit said...

mmmm, bears...

babble on said...

Oh dear. The man bought a Strida late last year... does that mean he is in mid-life crisis?

Can I expect a twenty year old girlfriend next? No judgement, or anything, just so long as he shares...

fhfr436 said...

I couldn't tell if she was trying to fold or unfold the Brompton until the very end.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

babble,
share the strida or the 20-year-old-lassy?

babble on said...

He already shares the Strida. He's good that way...

Anonymous said...

Track racing is coming back!

Ridonkulous said...

ALL HAIL YADSENDEW.

I believe you meant to say "carbon fiber footprint". Very entertaining post otherwise, much enjoy, see post.

Over on FRM Cipo disses current cyclists, calling them fragile and unlovable. Good there, much.

http://www.floridaracingmagazine.com/current-issue-1.html

Yes, good point, I am not visiting BBL's site again until she tilts that camera upwards.

Anonymous said...

Try your ass-crack on a Bike Friday. They're handmade (but not curated)right here in the USA (or Oregon, close enough?).



balls™

Serial Retrogrouch said...

WRM,
you forgot the permanently elusive exhibit of the lone wolves!

Anonymous said...

Cholera epidemics are coming back!

boston brompton said...

wtf - strida? looks like something you'd find at a senior center pool.

my vote is for brompton. and tweed. tweed bear suit.

Anonymous said...

Get a Bike Friday. Made in the USA. BF even makes custom tandems. You could buy a stretch one for you to ride with your 17 children. I don't even know what you would call an 18 person tandem (assuming the missus would ride with).

Der Zoots said...

I care not for the kona cycling bicycle branding house.

Marcel Da Chump said...

I could use a Bike Wednesday.

Der Zoots said...

HA

You commenting FOOLS!

Strida & Bike Friday as suggestions.

Do you all HATE your LBS mechanic?

Bike Friday has been in the running change business 4EVA. Have they even found a frame design that doesn't break yet?

Strida? Good luck servicing that in less than two weeks, proprietary errything triangle.



babble on said...

Boston Brompton - you see? No neeed for a bear suit.

It's even better in electric green.

Anonymous said...

Riverdale! In the, in the, in the...I can't say it!

Big Charlie said...

Gal at work just bought a Strida - loves it.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Course she does...

After all, who hasn't had dreams of being a circus bear?

g-roc said...

Snob, if you decide on a Brompton, you can have mine, since I don't want to ride the same bike as someone who sucks so bad. You may as well take my bear costume too. Good luck washing out the rank Canadian smell of genuine bear combined with rank Canadian cyclist - or maybe it's just me.

McFly said...

Moan-a-Lisa...

I swear to God just yesterday I was telling the Maintenance Supervisor (we share an office) about the Madisons and he did the Wickedpedia and turned and said "Why the fuck would anyone in their right mind want to ride a bike for 6 days?"

McFly said...

http://news.yahoo.com/no-person-got-shot-stabbed-slashed-murdered-nyc-153318577.html


Nice Job, way to not do your part.

vantage said...

Six days...pfffft Did you tell him the french have a 21 day race ?

vantage said...

The Madison: "An athletic contest in which participants 'go queer' in their heads..."

not that there's anything wrong with that...I guess.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

After further contemplation I have to say that I do like the straight main tube of the Dahon Speed P8. Some may like the elegant arch of the other Dahons and brompton I'm not so sure myself anymore.

As far as the strida goes it is an intriguing design and looks to fold super easy but I think triangles are best left as that ringy thing the percussionists play and of course my favorite shape of a 20 year old girlfriend's pubic trim.

Isolation Helmet said...

Get a god damn Bike Friday you pussy

mikeweb said...

No NY biek museam would be complete without a mechanics hall of fame.

Here's my first nomination.

Hal is hella cool.

Anonymous said...

Snobby - as one of the retrogrouches on this site, I recommend only one folding bike - the 1972 Raleigh Twenty. I know where you can get one for $100. It will cost about $500,000,000 to upgrade it but after 6 months work you will have an amazing bike.

cycle

Anonymous said...

BTW - when you get the museum up and running, you'll need a librarian to catalog the rare book collection (your books). For $120,000 a year (a bargain), I'll be happy to do it.

cycle

Anonymous said...

http://www.target.com/p/adult-grizzly-bear-costume-one-size-fits-most/-/A-14129343?ref=tgt_adv_XSG10001&AFID=Google_PLA_df&LNM=%7C14129343&CPNG=Seasonal&kpid=14129343&LID=PA&ci_src=17588969&ci_sku=14129343

grog said...

Yes, get the folding bike in 650b.
MISS BABE

Anonymous said...

....Hey!,...where's the Eel?, i miss his commentary.

babble on said...

Here's a random, unrelated fact for you: Germany legalized bestiality in 1969.

mikeweb said...

Hmm, let me see... So far Snob has the IOJB a.k.a. the Sacattante, if I'm not mistaken, that other SS Mt. Bike that I can't remember the make of, the Smugness flotilla, the Van Ritte and the 'travel' Surly cross x check with the SS couplers, plus maybe one or two others that we don't know about.

Now he's considering a folding bike, though technically the 'travel' Surly folds AND he wants a bear suit eventhough he already has a perfectly fine chicken suit.

I might have to send over the camera crew from 'Hoarders'...

babble on said...

AYHFMS

babble on said...

in Germany

Anonymous said...

Forget the folding bike.

Get a large wheel unicycle (like 29";not 650B).

Goes well with a bear suit.

Seriously!

mikeweb said...

"We see animals as partners and not as a means of gratification. We don't force them to do anything. Animals are much easier to understand than women," Mr Kiok claimed.

Wow. And I find it amusing that the group who advocates for sex with animals is called ZETA. I wonder if there are any women members. I would like to think so. Hmm, maybe this is why Snob really wants the bear suit...

Anonymous said...

Strida! You'll look like a circus bear on it from the get-go. If you still want a bear suit after riding the Strida for a week, ask again for the costume. I can make you one for real cheap.

McFly said...

All You Haters Fondle My Seal?

Babble?

velobotomy said...

Relations with bears, without proper safeguards, could leave the bears emotionally devastated.

Comment deleted said...

Screw folding bikes, I now *need* that Badass Food Delivery Bike.

Anonymous said...

Hey fuck paying a million dollars for a Brompton or a Bike Friday or any of that shit. DAHON

babble on said...

Uh...yup, exactly. That's exactly what I meant.

Rollie said...

A folding bike doesn't mean you're old, it just means you're too poor to live somewhere geographically sensible, and you ride a lot of trains.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed the Cipolinni portrait, particularly the symetry of the shoulders. Who knew he used to ring the bells at Notre Dame...

Bromptoneer said...

My Brompton is the love of my life.

babble on said...

you should move to Germany

Anonymous said...

Tea Bag

g-roc said...

Strida gets bonus points as you look more like a circus bear on it than almost any other folder.

Jim Crotchy said...

Everytime I try to tell you....

The words just come out wrong....

So I had to say I love you....

With my Schlong....

boston brahman brompton said...

bike friday crabon drive...

I'm intrigued by the montagues, but they seem cumbersome. plus they have one called the Boston, which pleases me.

Anonymous said...

Re's
1) The red Ferrari folding bike with Gruber Assist.
2) After Christmas the circus leaves town and there's lots of junk left lying around. You might get lucky.
3) Yes, if no one sees your penis I think it's technically legal to masturbate inside the bear/clown suit. Just stay away from children.

FR8 said...

Brompton is best but if you need more gears (as you are old) try a Tern. It's all downhill from the UWS to wherever you go but all uphill on the way back.

mikeweb said...

What's that one folder that has kind of a girder/ steel beam lattice look going on? I'd get one of those; it's all Buckminster Fuller-ish.

Flyover Bike commuter said...



Get a clown suit to go with the clown bike.

Anyway, what's the problem? Won't they let you take a regular bike on the train.

The commuter train we use out here (in Fanta Se, NM) encourages bike commuters to use the all of the entirely inadequate space that is dedicated to bikes and it's usually filled.




Everbody said...

Here's your bare suite:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/New-Mens-Bicycle-Bike-Padded-Cycling-Shorts-Underwear-Size-M-3XL-/221157520074?pt=US_CSA_MC_Shorts&var=520125174541&hash=item337e03f2ca

JB said...

For more info call Fred.

Anonymous said...

Just take a hacksaw to your Ritte and add hinges. done.

mikeweb said...

Nevermind, found it:

Moulton bicycles.

Yarpo said...

That Brompton Foldy Fail Woman seriously needs some fashion tips from Babble, especially on shoes.

Help her Babble, you're her only hope!

babble on said...

Funny you should mention it - that's a mission I've embraced for a couple of years now. I'm responsible for high heels on a few of the office hotties.

mikeweb... you said Buckminster Fuller.

:)

streepo said...

I'll catalog the collection for $119,000.

Anonymous said...

I've always wanted a Fuji Marlboro folding bike.

McFly said...

Seals are OK but they can get a little mouthy when they climax.

Which is not that bad.

The Clapping, though....thats another thing entirely. I cannot deal with the post-orgasm clapfest.

mikeweb said...

Yes babble, one of my many as of yet unrealized business plans is to start a franchise of architectural sex toy shops called 'Fuckminster Buller'.

I'm sure his estate would have absolutely no problem with it.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Folding Marlboro Fuji STEAL

Anonymous said...

Hey Snobby - here is a fixed gear only bike shop on the west coast that believes in the minimalist approach. Win, win, win. Everything you despise in one place.

cycle

C. said...

WTF is up with Cipo's hands?! He's holding that man's head like he's about to bite into a mini orange.

Oh wait- I forgot: The size of his hands reflects the size of other things, nevermind.

Anonymous said...

Oops - here is the link - http://smallbusiness.foxbusiness.com/entrepreneurs/2012/11/28/bike-shop-for-broke-college-kids/

cycle

Dooth said...

Hey...at least you don't fuck at everything, like I do.

Anonymous said...

Forget the folder. Get a mini velo!

Anonymous said...

"All You Haters Fondle My Seal?"

Hmm, I came up with "All you haters fondle my scranus", but then I realized Babble doesn't have a scranus (i hope)

Anonymous said...

Bromptons are great. I traveled all over Europe with one. Planes, trains, no problem.

Anonymous said...

I proposed to my wife while wearing a bear suit. You can borrow the bear suit if you like. It's in my garage. No lies.

Anonymous said...

Buckminster Fuller?
I barely know her!

Penguin said...

Blew a seal? No, no, it's just ice cream.

babble on said...

Architectural sex-toy shops... what a great idea!!

Wait a minute.

Are the toys architectural, or is it the shops?

babble on said...

fondle, fuck... it's all good

Um, nope. No scranus here. They call it something different on girls.

wishiwasmerckx said...

The perineum?

Matt said...

Bromptons are cool, they fold and unfold quickly once you figure out the correct order, designed specifically for working with transit, you can get the cool Brompton Oratory jacket for only $400, but the one thing I don't like is the gearing. The six speed takes double shifts all the way through to go in order. They ought to do the 8 speed Nexus hub or something similar, they'd have themsevles quite a bike.

crosspalms said...

The proscenium?

McFly said...

All You Haters Finger My Sloth

All You Haters Fellatio Monkey Schlongs


I give up...

McFly said...

I don't know what that place is called but I know if you apply pressure/rub it they come unhinged.


I rub it.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I think I speak for a majority of BSnyc commenteratti when asking you ...

just what exactly is your position re interspecies sexual relationships?

Noad Websterdouche' said...

Cipotonic (Sip'oh'tonic) n. A state of perpetual ejaculation brought on by being excessively cool.

Santa Douche' said...

How about a feliatiate me Elmo kiddies?

Jan! said...

My girlfriend used a Dahon for two years before switching to a Brompton. While it is much, much more expensive, it is also much, much better.

It rides more comfortably and folds neater. In fact, I have bought one myself. Quite the machine, really. We're going touring with it in a few weeks. Check out The Path Less Pedaled for others who have done so.

Jan! said...

Noad Websterdouche: "Cipo" is Italian and is pronounced "Cheapo", which only enhances his comical value.

leroy said...

More than a hundred comments already on folding bikes?

Yeesh.

Can't recommend a folder, but I'm sure Primal makes a bear jersey one can wear with a chicken suit.

P.S. -- I've seen Mikeweb change a flat and he doesn't do it like Hal Ruzal. So much for the mechanic's wing of the biek hall of fame.

Anonymous said...

If you suck at everything, that would mean you are really good at sucking, thus you don't actually suck at everything.


think about it.

Comment deleted said...

The Buckminster Fuller Geodesic Sex Toys Division of BikeSnob's Comment Complex is almost as busy as the Brompton Room and the Bestiality Pit today. Nice work.

Anonymous said...

All these comments on folding f*** bikes.. Well, it is Wednesday. Maybe all the comments are from the SAME person in Colorado.. Whoa...

Cat6 Santa said...

How about a nice fuzzy 'Sodomize me Elmo' kiddies?

Anonymous said...

I agree with mikeweb, get the Moulton. It's the only folding bike a Fred will ride.

Dooth said...

Being that it's Wednesday, let's call it a ROLLING bike.

Anonymous said...

Moulton.

Noah 'Cat7' Webbbster said...

Cipostatic (Cheapo*-static) n. A state of perpetual uber smuggness brought on by the realization that you totally 'rock' with all womb bearers.

* eyetalian pronounceation in amerika we say cipo-static

babble on said...

anon@ 3:58 - didn't you read the post? The Snobbers ASKED for folding bike comments...

Now if you were bothered by the bestiality, that might make a bit more sense.

paulb said...

When I bought my foldster I got change from the million billion zillion dollars I carried to the bike store. Bargain!

babble on said...

Dooth - good idea.

babble on said...

Noah 7 - not ALL womb bearers. His face is a bit too equine for my taste. (Here's hoping Frilly isn't listening!)

leroy said...

Well of course Primal makes a bear jersey:

http://sportingcyclist.com/index.cfm?carttoken=0&action=ViewDetails&ItemID=14334

Yesterday was Jimi Hendrix's birthday.

He would have been 70.

Manic Depression, indeed.

What would Jimi have ridden? And would he have set it on fire?

Anonymous said...

Brompton. 6 speed with sport handlebar. Forget the rack and save more weight with the titanium forks.

Anonymous said...

A folding bike? seriously? next thing you know you'll be shopping for a recumbant. Don't do it, you don't really need it. Just take the subway on those rare occassions (like once a year) when you actually need a bike that you can foldup and carry around with you.

Anonymous said...

Ther used to be six day races held in the park in NYC, man those were the days.

6DAY RACE

Vegas said...

I think Snob's travel bike won't work as a folder because in addition to decoupling the frame you must also remove the wheels to make it sufficiently small.

bikesgonewild said...

...".... They call it something different on girls..."...

...ummm, a two-way street called 'heaven' ???...

wishiwasmerckx said...

If you want to do the bear-on-a-bike routine, you will clearly need a tutu to accessorize your bear suit.

wishiwasmerckx said...

McFly, the thing which causes my wife to become unhinged with pleasure?

It's called Bloomingdales...

the commentariat said...

McFly, the thing that causes your wife to become unhinged with pleasure?

It's called TJMaxx...

bikesgonewild said...

...that cipo photo was taken the day that danilo de luca discovered that "yes, il re leone, does indeed swing both ways"...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Damn, that comment from a while ago about snob being rich really pushed his buttons!

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Moulton. I had a chance to ride one once, and it was definitely smile inducing. Plus, it would relieve that money pressure you're under much more effectively than any of the other suggestions.

Senator Blutarski (I) said...

De wimmen?

How much for de wimmen?

De little girl? How much for de little girl?

crosspalms said...

Leroy,
Don't know what Jimi would ride, but I bet he'd ride it in crosstown traffic

The Man Behind The Curtain said...

PAY ME NO ATTENTION!

The Man Behind The Curtain said...

Excepting you, little girl with the patent leather shoes and pink panties.

Anonymous said...

Definitely go for a Moulton first, then a Bike Friday, a Tern is a pretty sweet folder too. Brompton is kind of overdone. And a Dahon is just too pedestrian, in that it will break and you'll have to walk

Fuckminster Buller said...

Wow! I fook'in flunked me dyslexia exams agin!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

3 minutes 18 seconds is longer when you are watching a person not fold a Brompton.

The idiot kid next door who i told a million times NOT to lock his bike to the tree finally got his.

this morning there was a tree chopped in half where his bike used to be.

idiot

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Anonymous said...

For the love of gawd, snobber, show some fucking dignity and just fucking walk.
Another case cracked.
You're welcome.

Freddie Fredrikson D.D.S. said...

Snob,

Do you have Hincapie's contanct information?

I'm really reallly low on epo and the Tour de France will be here before you know it!

Dooth said...

Thanks, babble-licious...'cuse me, while I kiss the sky...ooh, Foxy Lady.

bikesgonewild said...

...& because there have been SO many requests for MORE info about the old 6-day races in nyc, i've some to share...

...the great american wordsmith henry miller, he of a writing style that broke new ground in it's day by including social construct, philosophy, mysticism & eroticism all propped up like a finely shaped mons venus on a surrealistic pillow, just happened to be a badass cyclist...

...later in his career, in paris, he was known to pedal the banks of the seine with the lovely anais nin before he prayed at 'le cathedral de mons veneris'...

...but i digress...

...born in manhatton, miller took to the 'mean streets' of nyc on his velo as a young man & surely any newly paved boulevard covered in horse poop would be considered "mean", ya ???...

...in the days when racing cyclists went as fast as the early motorcyclists, the track men trained behind tandems, triples & even larger machines to utilize the greater speed, like motorpacing today...

...henry miller was one such rider who manned the training rigs in central park so that the stars of 6-day could maintain their 'supplesse'...

...miller wrote a delightful short story at the time describing how he keep a number of his fixed gear bikes in his apartment & that his friends were welcome to ride any of them but one...

...he had that special bike, a 6-day track racer given to him by one of the stars of "le madison du l'americain" & whoa be it to the man who put his hands on that machine...

...an end to friendship would be quickly forthcoming...

Anonymous said...

gettin' funky with my monkey

BSNYC said...

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding! Unless you are riding a folding bike, which is ok, but if you start breaking it down in front of me and force me to watch sidewalk folding porn I swear to God I will stab you in the neck with an inkpen.

babble on said...

He was such a clever guy, Miller, praying at the best place like that.

Anonymous said...

Folding bike:

http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2008/03/review-triangul/

Bear suit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQhBGDOO4-w

Luke said...

Brompton appears 24 times (now 25) in this comment section so far. Just FYI.

I think you should hold out for a few weeks and you may yet escape purchasing one, but if not then just get a Brompton because they come in nice colors and stuff.

Billy said...

Brompton because they're British and sponsor the world folding bike championships (best bike race ever).

The wife and I considered folding bikes when we moved to Brighton and the closest T is the green line, which are really just streetcars, not a proper train at all. No bikes allowed, except for folders, and they're right to say so since the streetcars are narrow as hell and have stairs in them.

I occasionally try to get a folding bike subsidized by my insurance company by riding my regular bike (that is to say my only bike) to the streetcar station and leaving it chained up all day. Sure would be nice to have a ride on the other end too, though.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I was in London once and stopped into a bike shop.

One of the mechanics came up to me and said, "are you the bloke with the Brompton?"

I said "is this some sort of joke you play on stupid Americans?"

babble on said...

Billy, you must have a great insurance company.

Strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida
strida strida strida strida strida
strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida strida

Just evening the odds a bit.

Anonymous said...

Brompton. Do it. Folds in seconds, not the 3 minutes it took that woman. Great for the train, especially in queens.

Anonymous said...

Brompton. Even a chimp like me can fold it in about 20 sec, and I only use mine every coupla months so I need to figure it out again every time I have to fold it.

Plus, thinking about it gives you an excuse to play with this:

http://www.nycewheels.com/brompton-colors.html

bikesgonewild said...

...ahhh, yes, my friend...& such wisdom can bring so much enlightened delight...

...were only that my own knees bloodied in supplication more frequent but oft times the heavenly doors are shut & barred...

...other times, the altar, whilst welcoming is just not my cross to bear...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That Brompton with the ti rear end is pretty sweet. They stock the Schwalbe Kojaks on that rig. Nice. I never had a folder but I know a thing or two about little wheels.

McFly said...

I cannot stop staring at that badass New York City food delivery bike. It has more accessories that Babble On.

MAGW ILLS

BLUF ENDR

Anonymous said...

Anon 5:03pm:

But the Moulton doesn't fold, it separates into parts for schlepping, right? That doesn't seem suitable for going on and off bus/subway.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Good idea to mention on your blog that you need a folding bike: a company will surely send you one in the coming weeks!

That's how it works! The rich never pay for anything.

(Which will be the first: Dahon or Brompton???)

Anonymous said...

thanks! you made me laugh out loud. good spondee, indeed.

babble on said...

I'm badass, too, you know. It's not ALL about the accessories.

Anonymous said...

The Bear Suit?

Grow out the body hair, put on a few pounds, and learn to "gay it up."

Frilly said...

Yes please Noah 7! I love me some Lion King and there's nothing Disneyesque about what I have in mind should the opportunity present itself.

Back on topic, Snob have you ever heard of Montague?

Comment deleted said...

McFly, I know; I must have it (the Badass, not Bab's ass, though now that you mention it...)

Comment deleted said...

More Badass Delivery Bikes or Imafuckinkillya.

Dooth said...

I read something by Henry Miller wherein he described working for Western Union...W.U was essentially a bike messenger service in New York. Miller worked his way up to dispatcher, before heading off to France.

McFly said...

OK lady give me some data. Lets check your badass status.

35 mi distance out and back x 5 mph wind x 75/80 degrees Fairengrade x solo x He Pulled Out So No Chamois Discomfort= What avg MPH? Ballpark it. (2 water bottles and I will adjust for BigASS RockStar SunGlasses)

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

When selecting a folding bike you should consider how wheel size will affect the characteristics of the ride. For example, 20 inch wheels roll over obstacles more easily than 16 inch wheels due to the lower approach angle and greater angular momentum of the "20 Incher". 20 inch wheels also provide a longer tyre contact patch and therefore better traction. On the other hand, 16 inch wheels can be built lighter and stronger, will accelerate quicker and can be accommodated within the physical constraints of folding bike frame geometries more easily. Also worth consideration is the inbetweener sized wheel called the "355F" (the F is for Fred), which is considered by some to offer the best all round performance.

Or you could just buy a skateboard and be done with it.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC @ 5:54pm - what's an inkpen - some sort of prehistoric laserjet?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Frilly, no, but I hear that Capulet makes a sweet foldie...

Anonymous said...

Dammit, now I'm thinking of buying a Brompton.

McFly said...

ce said.....
On the other hand, 16 inch wheels can be built lighter and stronger, will accelerate quicker and can be accommodated within the physical, etc, etc.

I am not sure accelerating quickly is something you worry about on a "foldie", unless some crazy person is weilding an inkpen.

ce said...

I'm very disappointed that neither Snob, his handful of loyal readers, or his legion of comment bots have yet pointed out that the Cipo portrait is... an oil painting. C'mon, talk about low hanging oil bearing olive fruit.

Anonymous said...

The BSNYC comments have officially jumped the shark.

ce said...

McFly, if you want to win, it matters.

bikesgonewild said...

...thank god for that !!!...

Boyz In The Hoods said...

Woke up QuicK!

At about noon..

Just thought that I had to ride my Brompton soon..

Gotta get drunk before the day begins..

Or that guy comes at me with his pen....

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, so you find yourself becoming an old fuddy-duddy with an uninteresting lifestyle. My first go round led to a red Bike E recumbent and now I too am contemplating the purchase of a folding bicycle. I have test ridden Bike Friday and lower end Dahons and the Bike Friday is awesome. It actually rides like a real bike.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, speaking of recumbents, I just viewed the video “One month Tour of Italy on a folding bike.” The hero of the story buys what appears to be a department store version of a Dahon, modifies it, and commences to tour Italy. For the most part: a nice video. He, to his credit, leaves in the part where he is happily riding around the perfect pedaling streets of Venice, wondering why there are no other cyclists, when someone stops him and tells him he’s rude (Italian for illegal). You got it, Venice slams both car and bike culture. What are they thinking?

g-roc said...

Anon 4:25 nailed it. I love my BRoMPToN (douchey, pretentious way to type Brompton) but I rarely ride it. As for Moulton, you'll be standing on the platform forever, trying to separate it and carrying it on the train in two pieces. For your intended purpose, nothing compares to a Brompton's fold and still rides decent. Stridas are for:

1. riding distances you can easily walk but want to drag a bike around with you
2. guys who can console themselves that at least they're married to a sex maniac with killer calves
3. total dorks
4. people who want the ultimate circus bear look without the costume
5. possibly 2 & 3 combined

But then #3 applies to pretty much anyone who rides a folder.

Anonymous said...

Top CC.

troy said...

I have three Dahons - they ride very well, use standard components, are easy to service and a great value for money. There is also Tern - the family feud break-away competitor. They are quick bikes. (freds can't catch my mu sl)

It's important to assess your usage when deciding... just needing to jam it in the closet or get on a crowded train, for instance. If the latter a Brompton or more compact Dahon are good choices. Many other folders are great bikes, but more designed for touring and sticking in planes etc.

babble on said...

Sigh. Once again there is nothing but madness... madness all around.

Fine. Buy a Brompton. Go ahead, ignore the obvious truth.

At least with a Brompton you won't be struggling under that great weight of cash, poor babe. And you don't mind spending a little longer setting it up, do you? Never mind that the genius beside you is WHEELING his Strida around the train station while you have to lug yours around. It's a bit like Darwinism in action. BOOO-yeah, sukkas.

McFly - As a girl I don't have to park my balls, BUT around these mountainous parts my average speed is usually around about 23 km/hr, or 14 mi/hr.

Um, and I ALWAYS want to accelerate, esp off the start, to get in front of traffic, if nothing else, even on a Strida.

Badass is as badass does, right? I'm pretty sure I qualify for lots of good reasons. :)

babble on said...

G-roc. Fuck that was funny. I laughed so hard...

Ron Burgandy said...

[This Just In on The Folding Bike Debate]: "Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast."

McFly said...

GROC +1

....you said....mountanious parts...



heehee

Frilly said...

Look it up wiwm, Montague is a full-size folding bike. Its fairly heavy so not sure about portaging the darn thing, perhaps the folding is more for the storage aspect.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, It is nice to know there is life in this here party while discussing BIKES, even if it is folding bikes. I guess folding bikes have more fans than one would immagine. Could it be that folding bikes are actually bike porn to some people. Imagine that.

Speed 7 said...

I agree with ce. All things being equal (= you can afford whatever you want), ride quality vs. fold size is a top question. The Brommie's fold is hard to beat and it's certainly a pretty little contraption, but i find it's a harsh and twitchy ride compared to a 20" wheel with 2.0" wide tires. I also like the greater variety of options offered by Bike Friday over the proprietary nature of Brompton bits and pieces and configurations.

I've ridden my low-end 20" Dahon folder over many many many "terrestrial units" in the last few years and it's never been particularly impressive in any way other than the fact that I've been able to keep it functional for this long.

Stretching out the discussion until a freebie is offered will simplify the decision, but who knows, after that budnitz debacle and all...

Anonymous said...

Good lord. Just GoogleImaged Strida. That is like 5 kinds of wrong.

Brompton, dude. Your kid doesn't need those designer diapers. If you're going to call yourself BikeSnob you owe it to yourself to get the best folder there is.

Although you might have to buy a bowtie to wear while on it.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, Cheeky Billy says buy British. Bollderdash. "Bike Friday" AMERICAN made (well almost: built in Oregon).

Anonymous said...

The perfect foldie: Start with a Brompton. Rip off the two gear shifters. Replace with a single twist shifter.Tear off the derailleur. Replace with an 8 speed internal gear hub. Bite off the screw fasteners on the frame hinge and handlebar post. Replace with quick-release levers. Keep the EZ wheels-great for portaging.Forgo the obscenely priced Brompton carry bag and substitute a 59 cent Ikea shopping bag. Attach a miniature plastic airplane to the handlebars. The propeller will turn when you ride (chicks love this).

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