Wednesday, November 28, 2012

"Wednesday" spelled backwards is "Yadsendew." Think about it.

Once in awhile, people ask me questions electronically.  This is because I'm so approachable electronically.  Recently, the most common questions have been, in reverse order of frequency:

3) Why do you suck so much at everything you do?

Look, I don't know, I just do.  What do you want from me?


2) How do you tell the weather from inside now that you've moved and no longer have a view of the ursine man who's always smoking on his fire escape?

Easy, I study the hue and volume of the exhaust fumes emanating from the luxury cars as they drop off children at the elite prep school on the corner.  Or, if it's a weekend, I just throw cash out the window to determine how windy it is.

1) Some variation of the following:


(I just figured out you can embed Tweets, coincidentally just after I figured out what "embed" means.)

I've probably said it before because I repeat myself endlessly and I'll say it again because I repeat myself endlessly: don't come visit New York City and waste your time in bike shops.  This is not to say I have anything against hardworking bike shop proprietors.  Quite the contrary--I hope they all make a million billion zillion dollars.  It's just that, as a gigantic bike dork, I know how important it is to take a break once in awhile from being a gigantic bike dork, and visiting one of the greatest cities in the world is a perfect opportunity to do just that.  Seriously, just give it a rest.  Go to a museum.  Go to the theee-ay-ter.  Go eat some of that spicy food that the "ethnics" are so good at making.  Go to a trendy bar and rob some hipsters, who are the only group in New York City more haplessly inept than the tourists.

Nevertheless, I do acknowledge that a great city's "bike culture" is worthy of some degree of exploration.  The problem is that there's only so much you're going to learn by standing around in a bike shop and watching the staff service New York City's disgusting overabundance of filthy rich Freds.  (Or, increasingly, New York City's disgusting overabundance of haplessly inept hipsters.)  Therefore, I think what the city needs is a Museum of Cycling, a place where bike dork tourists can satisfy their curiosity in a single visit.  In fact, I may open just such a place, since thanks to Obama's liberal regime the government is handing out cultural endowments and grants like Mario Cipollini hands out herpes:


(Mario Cipollini giving Danilo Di Luca his trademark "herpes hand-up.")

By the way, speaking of grants, this portrait was commissioned by the US government and paid for with taxpayer funds:


Some might say that $500,000 is a bit much, but I say that America now has its Mona Lisa.

So right, the museum.  Well, once the funding comes through and I get that loft in West Chelsea, I'm first going to buy that Cipo portrait for a million dollars.  Then, I'm going to curate (which doesn't require quotes around it for once) such permanent installations as:

Badass Food Delivery Bikes


It's not a truly badass New York City food delivery bike unless the motocross fender is "slammed" against the saddle rails.

New York City's Greatest Freds of All Time



This exhibit will feature all the accomplished professionals who used New York City's stultifying round-and-round-Central-and-Prospect-Parks racing scene as their springboard to the elite ranks of competitive cycling.  GFOATS include George Hincapie, George Hincapie, and various other dopers you've long since forgotten if you've even heard of them in the first place.

The Hall of Byrne


The consummate New York City cyclist, David Byrne does not own a car, nor does he own a car, and this exhibit will be dedicated to his many contributions to New York City bicycle culture, including an exhaustive retrospective of his whimsical bike racks:


(Lip.  Rack.  Now that's good spondee.)

With a typical u-lock you can just about secure the bike by the front wheel only.  Now that's good design.

Not only that, but Byrne has committed to designing my museum's bike racks, and he promises they'll be his most impractical designs yet.  Here's an early sketch he sent me on a cocktail napkin:

An elegantly minimalist sweeping arch, he calls it the "Steal Me."

Oh, there's also going to be one more permanent exhibit:

The Sleep-Inducing Bicycle Historian Who Constantly Reminds You That There Used To Be Six-Day Races At Madison Square Garden


Did you know there used to be six-day races at Madison Square Park?  Sure you did, people bring it up constantly.  And what does that mean?  Absolutely nothing.  There also used to be a cholera epidemic.  Track racing is not coming back.  Get with it already.

Anyway, obviously there will also be changing exhibitions that are more in tune with the zeitgeist, and the first one will probably be a series of photographic portraiture called "Ass Cracks Across the Williamsburg Bridge."

Moving on, I find myself moving on in life, by which I mean I'm confronting the fact that I'm getting to be an old fuddy-duddy with an uninteresting lifestyle.  This realization creeps up on people in various ways.  Some people never realize it.  Other people realize it when they discover they need a toupé.  (I don't need a toupé, I just stick the hair that collects in the shower drain to my cranium with soap scum.) Still others realize it when they figure out that they need Viagra.  (I don't need Viagra since I don't have genitals.)  As for me, I realized it when I suddenly discovered I badly wanted a folding bike:


I haven't actually gotten a folding bike yet, but I think it's only a matter of time, and that's a scary notion to contemplate.  The thing is, due to geography and new travel requirements I want to be able to get on and off of different trains and stuff yet still have a bike with me, and so all of a sudden I find myself exploring a contraption about which I know little.  So, like any consumer, I find myself studying manufacturer websites:


I guess you could say I'm under "life pressures," assuming you consider shopping for a folding bike a life pressure.  I'm also under economic pressure, in that I live underneath a gigantic mountain of money and huge amounts of cash do weigh a lot.  However, I'm under no environmental pressure whatsoever, since I don't care what my crabon toof pirnt is, nor do I worry about the cost of gas, since even though I OWN A CAR I burn very little gas with it.  Really, I have only two concerns, which are as follows:

1) Which folding bike should I get?

and

2) Where can I get a bear suit to wear while riding it?

Feel free to offer answers to one, both, or none of these questions in the comments.

Lastly, bike racing person Barry Wicks asked me to mention some sort of cyclocross beer-and-pushup contest in Bend, Oregon:

Frankly, I was enraged and disgusted.  How dare he ask me that?  In fact, I was so mad that I didn't even realize I was posting the flyer, and by the time I figured out what I was doing it was too late.

I told you I suck at everything.


235 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Brompton, you want a Brompton. Then we can roll around and fold around together, hand in hand, and it will be a ripping good time just as that weirdo engineering guy that designed the Brompton designed it to be.

Brompton dude. Brompton.

McFly said...

200+ comments?
Dang Wildcat next week you should do Gatorskins VS. Durano's.

Or tubulars vs. clinchers.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I just watched a video of a folding bike race. No lycra, smiles. Thanks Billy.

babble on said...

The man sez his Christmas wish list includes wider handlebars and a set of 29ers for a sick ride. Mentioned something about his teletubbies cozzy...

I don't know. Sounds like he's been talking to Leroy's dog.

Andrew Rockman said...

Raleigh 20: http://www.localbiketrader.com/raleighfolding.htm

bikesgonewild said...

..."...next week you should do Gatorskins VS. Durano's..."...

...jeez, mcfly, all that talk, i figured you to be a 'magnum' kinda guy !!!...

bikesgonewild said...

...ohhh, sorry, mcfly...i misinterpreted the product...my bad...

...when my tubular gets clinched, if i can't go 'au natural' i'm ususally wearing a magnum...

...just sayin'...

Steely said...

Xooter Swift, if ride quality is more important that folding small.

Flammer said...

The type of male who rides a foldable bicycle is one who has his clothing selected and purchased for him, without his presence, by his spouse. He is a man for whom dignity is a vague memory.

I always suspected that those sleek, smug Scandinavians had horrors hidden in their minimalist design closets. So, it's legal to fuck dogs in the lands of the Norse.

Laars is feeling a bit tense when he parks the Saab 9-5 in the garage. So he gets his bitch to perform for him. As Anafrid drops her leather briefcase at the door, she whistles for her dish licker to for a bit of doggy style. Even the Germans with their perverse sexuality have banned poodle poking.

Watched the vid of the dirty old dreadlocked hippie changing a tube. Could just about smell him through the screen. Reeked of dope. Barely handle a tyre leaver, let alone adjusting Ciamillos. Filthy cunt.

schmadzie said...

You should ask those Bike Hugger guys. they seem to know a lot.

Anonymous said...

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recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That ridiculous jacket of yours will look great with the new brommie.

McFly said...

No magnums here. I usually just cut the pinkie finger off a latex glove. I like those new blue one's. That way I can yell out shit like "Yeah baby who is Smurfin' that ass like you want it?!?!'

Paul Bowen said...

I've ridden a Strida, a Dahon and a Brompton. I own a Brompton. Never tried Bike Friday or Birdy but a friend who owns one of the latter loves it.

Lindsey Gohand said...

Ain't nuttin' fo' me to go upside a beechez head...

Anonymous said...

http://18pounds.wordpress.com/2012/11/29/da-mysteries-of-chessfixing/

Anonymous said...

Dahon Vitesse D7HG. 7-speed internal hub, pump hidden in the seat post, and way cheaper than a Brompton.

http://www.nycewheels.com/dahon-vitesse-folding-bike.html

Anonymous said...

Snob: Many great bear costumes at our local place:

http://www.buffalobreathcostumes.com/p-1049-koala.aspx


Paul Bowen said...

Hate to talk like a smug Mac monk but the Dahon is maybe cheaper than a Brompton for a reason. The fold is more cumbersome and the folded size is bigger than a Brompton. And note the qualifiers in the sentence "It's the [sic] definitely the best Dahon folding bike for commuting." I do like that chain guard though.

Anonymous said...

Reason I've never visited your god-forsaken town: you think because somebody's a tourist, they must be "inept." Because your momma was in NYC nine months after she had sex with your daddy, and you never had the balls to leave, that somehow makes you more ept than the rest of us? I guess the snob in BikeSnob is no longer ironic. Eptly yours,
A Tourist Who Will Continue To Steer Clear of the Toilet Bowl of the Northeast

P. Bateman said...

i'd buy the cheapest thing you can find.

Folding Bikes Direct .com

everyone will hate it which is just perfect.

by the way, folding bikes are seriously ugly. why not one of these:
http://www.bikesdirect.com/products/mercier/nano.htm

Anonymous said...

You don't need folding bike on the upper west side to reach a subway. But it helps to have one in Riverdale, which is in the, the, the...

modsplash said...

The folding bicycle you should get is the Giant Expressway
http://www.giant-bicycles.com/en-us/bikes/model/expressway.1/11503/55841/
Considering the possibilities at https://www.gorillasuits.com/Gorilla-Costume-and-Suits-Home.html
I think you should get a gorilla, or even banana costume instead.

Shark Out of the Tank said...

Cipo painting: I can't wait to see what Damien Hirst does with him.

Anonymous said...

I second mikeweb's mechanics hall of fame. But that Bicycle Habitat flat fix video didn't quite highlight Hal's wrenching prowess. Love to have seen a flat fix out on the streets, in the course of a ride, in cold weather.

Damien Hirst said...

Oh Come ON!!!! You mean to tell me that Leroy's dog was paid $500,000 to do that portrait of Cipo?Doggone-it.

Random House said...

Anonymous @ 10:17: Martin Amis couldn't have said it better.

Not BS said...

BSNYC @ 5:54 must be an impostor. Everyone knows BS does battle with a curated axe, not an ink pen.

Damien Hirst said...

P.S. Does Brylcreem dissolve in formaldehyde?

Anonymous said...

Folding bike?!?! Jeezus! What's next- an E-bike?!!

Anonymous said...

http://www.hampsten.com/bikes/travelissimo

Justin Chan said...

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This is awesome post.
Thanks
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