Monday, November 5, 2012

Organized Rides: Choose a Temperature and Add Smugness to Taste

Are you smug?  Do you own a cargo portaging-type bicycle?  (If you answered "yes" to the first question then you probably also answered "yes" to the second question.)  After voting tomorrow, do you have a bunch of time to kill?  If so you can head over to Bicycle Habitat in Brooklyn and help portage ("portage" is pretentious for "schlep") supplies out to Far Rockaway, and here are the details:


Not sure if you heard, but we had a gigantic fucking storm here and there are a lot of people still without power who really need things.  Ordinarily I'd be tempted to point out that you can carry more stuff faster by car, but when you consider  that the wait for gas is still something like 20 hours long it suddenly starts making a lot more sense.

Of course, if you prefer your organized rides to be less smug and more warmer, you could always ride the Gran Fondo Giro d'Italia in Miami along with Mario Cipollini, as forwarded to me by a reader:



Here's Cipollini himself posing with his "XXX trophy:"


The XXX trophy is given in recognition of extraordinary commitment to unprotected sexual intercourse, and its distinctive spiral shape is meant to evoke the syphilis virus:


By the way, given the recent doping shitstorm (which seems even more comically insignificant now when juxtaposed with a real storm), the organizers are going out of their way to point out that Cipollini "has never been linked to doping:"

Gran Fondo organizers say they can’t promise a costumed Cipollini (who, it should be noted, has never been linked to doping). But they hope to deliver a challenging ride on Nov. 11 with all the passione of the Giro and Italian cycling, which is to aficionados of the sport unequalled in style.

Even though he totally has:



"I am completely astounded at what the newspaper Repubblica published today," Cipollini declared. "It is absurd to me that my name is mentioned in this arbitrary way in something I now nothing about. Personally, I do not know doctor Fuentes and I have never had any contact to him."

The Tuscan is now ready to take legal action "to protect his image".

I don't know which is more laughable: the notion that Mario Cipollini rode as a professional from 1989 to 2008 without ever doping, or that it's even possible to sully an image which is arguably the smarmiest in all of sports.  Really, the only way being linked to a doctor could hurt Cipollini's image would be if that doctor was prescribing him with erectile dysfunction medication.  And speaking of erections, this gran fondo is perfect for Cipollini for two reasons:

Where other gran fondos offer steep climbs, Miami’s substitutes usually-stiff winter winds.

Yes, Cipo hates climbing, and he's also unusually stiff--though if he remains that way for more than six hours he needs to call Dr. Fuentes.

Of course, if you hate warmth and sunshine, you could do the exact opposite of a gran fondo in Miami by riding a "fat bike" to the South Pole, as forwarded to me by another reader:


Here's footage of Eric Larsen showing off his fat bike skillz:


I love few things more than riding a bicycle, but, to paraphrase Gary Larson, there are certain ways nature says "Do not ride," and even just watching this gave me seasonal affective disorder and made me want to drink myself into a stupor.

By the way, as the same reader points out, fat bikes are now poised to replace cyclocross bikes (which replaced track bikes) as the hottest two-wheeled fashion accessories going, and he even forwarded catalog pictures to prove it:


I'm sure someone will point out that the model isn't wearing a helment:


Though arguably the snow is enough to break her fall and the worst case scenario is that she'll wind up like this:


(Four minutes into a typical fat bike Fred ride.)

Which is why I'm launching a Kickstarter for a fat bike shoe with a heel that flashes red when it's inverted.  That way, the search party is more likely to spot you from the helicopter.  (My original prototype actually fired a flare, but more often than not it misfired and simply sent a flaming projectile straight into the rider's crotch.)  Currently I'm using the product name "Fat Bike Dork Foot Beacon," but I may refine that if we actually make it to market.

Speaking of survival tactics, still another reader has sent me this article, in which an RAF pilot explains why drivers don't see you when you're on a bike:

Basically, for all intents and purposes, you really are invisible:

When you move your head and eyes to scan a scene, your eyes are incapable of moving smoothly across it and seeing everything. Instead, you see in the image in a series of very quick jumps (called saccades) with very short pauses (called fixations) and it is only during the pauses that an image is processed.

Your brain fills in the gaps with a combination of peripheral vision and an assumption that what is in the gaps must be the same as what you see during the pauses.

Since if you don't fall into one of these "saccades" then the driver doesn't see you.

This is useful information for both cyclists and drivers.  However, do keep in mind that it's coming from an RAF pilot, and therefore it's only applicable to British people.  Here in America everybody's awesome and sees everything at all times, just like in "Top Gun."

Of course, in the unlikely event that you do get hit by an American driver while you're on your bicycle (and by "unlikely" I mean "probable"), rest assured there will be a thorough investigation--provided you pay for one.  That's where Robson Forensic comes in, to whose services I was alerted by Leroy's dog:


Not only do they get to the bottom of what happened, but they even furnish attorneys with diagrams of old crappy ten speeds so that attorneys can be conversant in bicycle terminology when they talk to clients:
Which results in conversations like this:

"So you're saying that after the car hit you the...let me see here...'rim' resembled a 'taco,' the so-called 'chain ring' tore your pants, and the uh...'saddle' became lodged deep in your posterior.  Do I have that correct so far?"

A saddle by any other name would feel as painful.

119 comments:

theEel said...

WEED!!!!

Anonymous Coward said...

Podium

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

ding ding!

Cipo's dinner said...

Pussy eaten

Serial Retrogrouch said...

diez tops.

Anonymous said...

Top Teen

babble on said...

Monday monday...

Perry said...

Victory! Top Ten.

Anonymous said...

Far Rockaway!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

PASS IONE

leroy said...

It all makes sense now.

My dog was offering to sign autographs at the TA's coffee giveaway on the Manhattan Bridge this morning.

This explains his "As Seen On The Internet" T-Shirt.

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Anonymous said...

Snoozed, lost. (ZOD)

ken e. said...

mortning

Anonymous said...

read the post first, d'oh

Anonymous Coward said...

I was hoping that when Eric Larsen rode up to the ship wreck he was going to go all Danny MacAskill on it. No such luck, just more slow, spinny, bouncy riding on white stuff.

Anonymous said...

Top 20 reasons my job is boring.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Hot fat bike models!

Anonymous said...

A large corporation like Honeywell may see your flare idea as a threat to their military technology business.

The company has therefore funded an 8 million dollar "smear" campaign, aimed at defeating you attempt to garner funds.

McFly said...

"That's right. Iceman. I AM dangerous."

Rollie said...

OK so if the dee-houche who tried & failed to "Fatbikeraft the Arctic" due to his complicated foodular needs wasn't enough for ya, now we have this antipodal doucherie. O how the winds do howl in the eternal austral night. Ninnis & Mertz are not rolling in their graves, since they're frozen. I like the "slippery slope" saddle on the attorney diagram though.

babble on said...

Yes, I ride, therefore I am smugness incarnate. I ride on WET WEEKENDS therefore I am a smug, unsung hero...

just like the rest of you lot

Pervy Pervison said...

I would sniff roughly 3 Argon canisters of FatBike Model #2's Farts in order to get permission to stick my tongue in FatBike Model #1's cornhole I would.

Anonymous said...

INCA RNL8

babble on said...

THANK you, snob! So THAT's why I like to drink myself into a stupor...
What a relief.
All I need is a holiday in the sun...

Anonymous said...

hahaha ha car hitting bikes

cars hitting peds

cars hitting cars

cars hitting trees

cars

USA= DUMB

grog said...

Gratitude to LeRoy's dog.

Fnarf said...

Another reason the fat bike trend is excellent is that you can't just swap out a bar or a freewheel to join; you have to buy a whole new bike, since you'll never get those monster tires in your vintage Schwinn. More stuff to buy makes trends happen. There's a shop in downtown Seattle now (they're electric, too, and OH SO FATT).

Anonymous said...

That model isn't wearing a helmet.

just sayin'

Anonymous said...

Cipo sez..."If I have an erection lasting more than four hours I'm not the only one going to the hospital"

Cipo said...

eating pussy

Paul Bowen said...

Wanna see a pic of me doing cyclocross ? Ah go on, you do!

babble on said...

Pervy - I kinda thought two was hotter than one...

Anonymous said...

I'm having a hard time seeing the finish line, what's in my eyes?

Cipo: deez oily nutz

Pervy Pervison said...

I just got the one tongue. How else would one satify 2 FatBike models at once? Oh wait....one sits on my face and the other sits on mr Snuffelufigous. NOW KISS!

McFly said...

Lookin' Good Paul. Excellent use of warpaint. I did my first one Saturday.

HARD SHIT

GOT2 ND!!

Cipo off the old block said...

LeRoy's pooch is proof of the old saying "Man's Best etc". My bowser on the other hand, "Old Foaming at the Mouth", wants me to vote republican.

Anonymous said...

Perv/Babble
I think that the model is the same in both pictures, she's just having more fun in the second. But in the first, her hands look HUGE!

Anonymous said...

Wildcat, syphilis is caused by a spirochete, not a virus.

jno62 said...

That explains why Vitaly hit me!

sIGMuNd frIEd said...

Snobbie,

Going for the cheap Cipo laughs ...

Could this be a case of 'penis envy?'

oR EVEN WORSE 'Cipo Pussy Pounding Envy?'

When was the last time a beautiful lassie flashed her teats at you while riding the 'Tour of Georgia'
I know! Never!


Looks like it to me.

That'll be $475.00 IN GOLD PLEASE.

babble on said...

anon@1:27 Right you are!

And you know what they say:
Big hands, big... er... never mind...

Paul Bowen said...

McFly: 2nd at your first event is seriously impressive! Surely it wasn't your first bike race of any type? Me I got a torn tendon and a DNF :( but I thoroughly enjoyed it while I lasted - giggling while riding has to be a good sign! Now looking for some mug to partner me in the CX madison at Herne Hill on new year's day.

Anonymous said...

Saccadic Masking is what's really being discussed.

See here...

http://youtu.be/nNBTLbw1_2Q

McFly said...

Yeah it was. They we're breathing down my neck, though. Much further and I would not have been on the box. I was more impressed with lil man. He got second and rode the same distance. It had a monster hill and we were both on road bikes with 30c Kenda Kwik and NOT LOW ENOUGH GEARING.

leroy said...

Cipo off the old block --

Your dog must not have heard Devo's "Don't Roof Rack Me Bro."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuXunulTYpU

It's got a catchy beat. I give it an 8.

My dog has been singing it for weeks.

babble on said...

McFly - lil man being an eleven year old boy? That IS impressive.

Congratulations to both of you!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

McFly,
that bicycle stand in your picture is identical to mine.

ken e. said...

@Mcfly
I'm out on the CX racing with back issues, but 38/42 is the way to go.

Anonymous said...

fat bike model: talk about man hands!

McFly said...

Here I am resplindent in all my glory with optional man camel-toe. He did so good. It sucked because we had to get back home and my bud texted and said they drew my name then lil man foe a swanky Kuat Rack but we had to be present to win. I am running 39/52 x 28. I leave it in 39.

Buffalo Bill said...

You might also want to try italViagra(tm), it exudes the passione of the old country, which is to aficionados of the sport unequalled in style.

Buffalo Bill said...

Sorry McFly, didn't mean to imply that your camel toe is too small.

Dooth said...

The aftermath of a fat bike endo looks like fun.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

CAME LTOE

Strap-it-On said...

"It’s not certain how far Cipollini will ride. Cipo, whose specialty was sprinting for the finish line at the end of flat race stages, was known for never actually winning, or for that matter finishing..."

oh, you will know when Cipo is finished.

Anonymous said...

@Babble 1:43: It's a myth. I got large hands and ....

@Fnarf:There's a guy in my locale that rides a fat bike with an electric assist. Totally wrong!

Anonymous said...

McFly,
Way to go, that's the way cross should be done by anyone short of the cat 1/pros: "run what you brung", and what you bring should be one (1) old road bike with the biggest tires that will fit (which usually aren't all that big). Plus you're teaching lil man a good lesson, bicycle bike-cycling is fun and you don't have to super-ultra-mega bucks.

Cipo said...

It is untrue, I have never been linked to cycling.
I did it only for the nookie.

Anonymous said...

That Eric Larsen is lucky there are no polar bears at the south pole. For a while, I thought he was practicing for that "ultra-slow" recumbent bike competition.

CommieCanuck said...

If you fuckers vote for that mormon, I'll disown you all.
"Mormonism is so stupid, I'm surprise it's not more popular."

Meanwhile, voters are running amok in Florida already, their sixth fingers are getting caught in the voting machines.

Rob Ford would vote Romney.

self obsessed and sexee said...

Mr. Pervison, there's nothing pervy about sticking one's tongue in model # 2's cornhole. The placing of one's tongue inside the cornhole of a beautiful woman is a most romantic gesture and a true manifestation of an ardent desire.

babble on said...

It appears this is New Yorkouver today...Hornby St is a film set and it's chocka blocka NYC taxicabs. And tanks. Oh, and hot chicks in retro (40's and 50's) suits with numbers tattooed on their faces. Actually, it appears that everyone on the set has a number tattooed on their face. Except all the guys hanging around in fascist uniforms.

Guess we know what this film is all about.

Anonymous said...

Syphilis is a bacterial infection and not a viral one. Someone above pointed out that the infectious agent, Treponema pallidum, is a spirochete not a virus, but, since most people have no idea what a spirochete is (FYI - it's a spiral-shaped bacterium), that's not very informative.

By the way, the wikipedia page for syphilis is one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syphilis It might almost be enough to make me swear off having sex with prostitutes.

babble on said...

um, and hear hear Commie.

Both administrations are going to further the agendas of corporate interests above all, though, so in the end it doesn't really matter who sits in the cute round office.

It's up to us (we the people, not just we the Canadians shaking our heads in disbelief) to really make a difference.

McFly said...

I think it was fearing for it's life from the all the carnage going on around it and burrowed back up into my body like a frightened shrew. I did not notice it until Stevil pointed it out and now it's all I see when I gaze upon my post-race decompression position. There was a 5 year old there that kept climbing on me and telling me shit and I was all GTFO I'm dying here.

Anonymous said...

CORN HOLE

Pervy Pervison said...

Am I weird if I ejaculated in my tighty whities 2 times fantasizing about smelling Fatbike girl 2's farts? Cause if I am....then I didn't.

g-roc said...

Hey, there's a new kid in town. Welcome to the blog,sIGMuNd frIEd.

Personally, I just read to keep up with the never ending story of Leroy's dog.

Anonymous said...

self-obsessed and sexy,
you sir, are confused. Model #2 only got her farts smelt. Model #1 got the 'ol moan-inducing rimjob. She is the one wearing the skirt.

SALA DTOS

2IND APNK

1NDA STNK

self obsessed and sexee said...

Well. Color me dazed and confused.

Anonymous said...

helical...most recent!

babble on said...

WTF? You guys are in for another storm??

leroy said...

My dog signed me up as a volunteer poll worker tomorrow. The City needs volunteers due to the recent unpleasant weather.

I'll do it. But I'm not falling for any of his "I'm sorry, I thought you were a telephone pole" jokes while pretending to lift his leg on me.

And I'm not putting up with any of his pole dancer jokes either. Unless, of course, I get to keep the dollar bills.

NYC folks: when you vote tomorrow, be nice to the poll workers. They're working from 5AM to 11PM.

And some of them will be worried about parties their dogs might be throwing in their absence.

Anonymous said...

Pole worker?

Comment deleted said...

I'm fairly certain that male camel-toe is actually called "moose knuckle".

Comment deleted said...

Nope, I'm wrong. McFly is sporting camel toe. Hey, retraction happens (and congrats, btw).

g-roc said...

Anon 5:28, Leroy's a clever obfuscator. Apparently there's an election happening in Canada's underpants (probably one of the dullest things to happen in one's underpants).

babble on said...

Leroy- please tell him yes, I would be delighted. Sorry, couldn't RSVP sooner.

Don't worry, honey. It's not a party party, it's just a simple gathering of three hundred or so of his closest friends. With loud music, and booze, and scantily clad dancing girls.

Thank you for your service to your country, doll. What a good citizen you are. We'll save a glass of wine for you. xo

Anonymous said...

I'd lick either / both Fat bikes models cornhole. In a minute.

Anonymous said...

What else would one expect from "commiecanuck" other than total devotion to the american messiah, aka obama

leroy said...

Babs -- oh well, if you're providing the adult supervision, I feel better. Don't let my dog put ice cubes in the Montrachet. Again.

ken e. said...

certainly not any sort of informed opinion like yours there, anon, you diaper wearing POS.
three words.

ROE VS. WADE

Friendo said...

Anon @4:29,
You, Sir, have a beautiful mind.

Friendo said...

Anon @4:29,
You, Sir, have a beautiful mind.

McFly said...

CAML NUKL

I always freak out for a split-second after a long ride and I come out of all the stretchy cycling specific clothing and I have a FORESKIN that I am pretty sure I had removed when I was about 10 hours old.

TRTLE NECK

Yung-Tu Fujiyama said...

TOMORROW IS ERECTION DAY! DON'T FORGET TO VISIT THE POLES AND PULL ON THAT HANDLE!

Anonymous said...

Come on Commie Canuk. Canadians are always bashing American politics and disowning Americans and America. It's Canada's national pastime. The gazillions of snow birds in Florida and Arizona are wisely not so verbal about it. I googled 'Canadian Mormon temples" and there are a bunch of them. I suspect Canadian Mormon's are secretly praying their little hearts out for "that Mormon" to win. Also interestingly, a picture of Canadian Tire came up. What's with that?

McFly said...

Those models got big man-hands so they can change out a flat on those big fat tires. A little danty hand could not handle that over-sized rubber.

Anonymous said...

Commie and Babble are a little jealous. They don't get to vote for their prime minister. And their politics are even more boring than ours. We can keep patronizing them though because Canada is a lovely little (in terms of population) country.

ken e. said...

yah anon, but would you believe this guy?

Fnarf said...

@Anonymous 3:11 PM: you mistake me -- I don't think fat bikes with electric assist are wrong. Not if you have 15-20% grades to contend with, as I do. I'm not buying one, but I can see the appeal (which goes down considerably when I see the pricetag).

I ride a Crap E. Bike, myself.

McFly said...

FACT: 95% of Canadians live within 100 miles of the United States border. FACT: 99% of Babble On's live within 100 ft of a Tallywhacker. FACT: Due to photographic evidence mine may be tiny.

CyclingAdvocate/ Poll Dancer said...

Paul Zinger...Paul Zinger...Paul Zinger...he's Romney's Cheyney. Zinger is a billionaire sociopath....if he gets a friend in the White House...it'll be Bleak House.

Anonymous said...

syph is a bacterium

Anonymous said...

Hey Ken e. A British rock and roll band member bashing the Republican candidate; no surpise there. And he bashes George W. but at least George rides bikes. I haven't seen Obama or Romney do that.

Pervy Pervison said...

I got herpes one time but put some chap stick on my dick and now it's totally gone.....so....you wanna hook up later?

Anonymous said...

Rupert Murdoch will influence the transportation policy if his candidate wins. We know about Rupert's feelings about bikes. NO BIKE RACKS AT HIS COMPANY'S HEADQUARTERS!

babble on said...

Yeah, but Americans don't have an Usher of the Black Rod whose duty it is to POUND ON PORTALS.

...aaaand it's true. We don't get to vote for our commander in chief. Oh wait, I think the Queen might be Chief....

Oh dear.

babble on said...

Leroy...

Well, I hope it was artisanal ice.
It's all good... I'm packing Whiskey Stones.

You just hold that thought, sweetie pie. Never mind that when people think 'babble on' and 'adult' in the same sentence, 'supervision' isn't usually what comes to mind.

Anonymous said...

True Babble, no usher of the black rod, but the house has a "Seargeant at Arms." I'm not sure if they are talking about arms as in limbs or arms as in guns. I would think the latter; guns are so American. And sadly we don't get to elect our president either. Something called the electoral college. Our founding fathers really messed up with that one.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. At least 10000 feet of climbing and 1500 miles on a fat bike, when he's pumping hard on the small gear to go 3 mph on a flat. 500 years from now somebody will find that guys corpse under 100 feet of snow, one foot still clipped in, a perfectly preserved packet of GU stuck to his upper lip. And that's if the Shoggoths don't get him.

Good luck to him, but I think we'd better start colonizing Mars before somebody decides to be the first guy to go to the South pole on a fat fixie. We're really dredging the bottom of the world record barrel.

g-roc said...

Meh, if you americans had a clue who our leader was, you'd be jealous that he's far less liberal than yours. I know we're jealous about that.

annonymoose said...

Anon 11:37. Obama will probably win with the electoral college. Romney will get the popular vote.

Barb Chamberlain said...

From 3000 miles away with a daughter who's in her freshman year of college on Long Island, I'm unclear as to how it's "smug" to use bikes to help people who need food. I would have loved to know that someone was taking food and bottled water to her campus during the hours when I couldn't hear a thing from her.
Guess that makes me uncool.

babble on said...

McFly. You meant to say 100% of babble ons ARE tally-whackers, and you don't need to mention any photographic evidence.

leroy said...

At Board of Elections in Manhattan waiting for assignment.

Have made lots of new sassy little old lady friends.

Told them I thought I was waiting in line for Book of Mormon tickets.

My dog doesn't know what he's missing.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Babble on, it is nice to finally see Rene Edouard Kimber and Molyneor St John finally getting a little well-earned recognition around these parts.

africansingle said...

@Barb Chamberlain: New around here? While I can appreciate a mother's concern, I think your daughter might just have survived a few hours sans food, bottled water and Lob forbid, phone access. Quite a number of people in the world do that. Daily.

Anonymous said...

Is "Barb" your nickname? Fitting.

Anonymous said...

Is "Barb" your nickname? Fitting.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

My wife receives the Athleta catalog. Such a nice surprise to find it in the mailbox. I love the yoga pants section.

BIGH ANDS

Knob Seager and The Magic Bullet Band said...

I just took a fall, coulda' losed a few pounds,

Tight shorts, points hollerin' out,

She was dark-haired beauty with big black thighs,

Points of her own, screaming "Poke McFly".

Professional organizer nyc said...

Enjoyed watching your video. Thanks for sharing

leroy said...

Still at Board of Elections waiting on more lines for assignment.

Met a guy who says this Reagan/Carter election could be close.

Think he's been waiting awhile.

6,600 DQ'd in Palm Beach County said...

For national elections Canada uses the same ballot design from sea to sea. To bad Florida wasn't part of Canada in 2000.

Anonymous said...

I am the one that drinks from his own cistern. :)

Thanks for the link!

Blessings to those whom do not resonate, those whom have left negative comments on my video, and to those that acknowledge ''to each their own''. :) :) :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Bikesnob. was just shopping online at http://www.chainreactioncycles.com/Models.aspx?ModelID=65884
and thought you might be able to get some mileage out of it eg
FR-C Shorts utilize HC-44™ high compression fabric for precise fit, incredible performance and maximum comfort. A second fabric appears pinstriped due to the threads of carbon woven into it. The carbon element controls stretch and reinforces the strength of the material, allowing it to be lighter, yet stronger. Carbon has the added benefit of reducing electrical interference from cell phone towers and power lines that can negatively affect performance.
no shi

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