Thursday, October 4, 2012

Win-Win: Hoarses for Coarses

As I mentioned on Tuesday, I'll be riding a bicycle in Pennsylvania this weekend, and while outwardly I'm laughing it off I secretly plan to WIN.  That's why I'll be dosing myself to the man-gills with EPO-Equine, the all-natural EPO stimulator for horses:

Not only is it legal, but I don't even have to inject it.  Instead I just top-dress my feed with it, whatever that means.  According to the website there are also no side-effects--though there are side-effects to the beat pulp and alfalfa diet I'll also be switching to over the next few days, and those side-effects primarily involve flatulence.  Therefore, if you'll be participating in the ride, I'd advise you to stay off my wheel--which is generally a good idea anyway, since my wheel generally indicates the rearmost point of any cycling event.

Incidentally, the day before the Bicycling Fall Classic is the "VeloFest" at the Velodrome:


Which I won't be attending since my religion forbids me from spending more than 24 hours in the state of Pennsylvania.  (It's sad that I need a religion to force me to do something that's basically just good common sense, but I've never been very good at making the thinking for myself.)

And if you're wondering which bike I'll be riding, I'll be going with my racing bakfiets:

 

 Or, if it's raining, my Surly Big Dummy with pontoons and motor assist:

 

 Now that's a smugness flotilla.

Speaking of competition and religion, did you watch that presidential debate?  Me neither.  That's because I already know who I'm voting for:


(This guy.)

We Lobsterites always field a presidential candidate, who is chosen by the almighty Lob himself via his messenger to Earth, the Angel of Choice.  This process is a necessity, since until this country finally ratifies a Constitutional amendment allowing lobsters to hold office we are forced to make do with human nominees.  The photo above is of the anointed nominee celebrating with the Angel of Choice, and I bid you vote for this man lest your heathen civilization be cast to the bottom of the sea along with the lobster traps.

Anyway, I understand one of the guys in last night's debate is a "Mor-man" (which is like a male mermaid), and as it happens a reader has forwarded me a dedicated Mor-man bike, with actual Mor-man-specific features:




Liahona Mission Disc Mountain Bike (Cool Back Story) - $150 (Burlington)
Date: 2012-10-01, 2:14PM EDT]

The Liahona Mission is a 21-speed mountain bike, well equipped with mechanical disc brakes, a lightweight aluminum frame (21 inch size), Shimano components, and an intriguing back story. The name Liahona, of course, is a Book of Mormon reference. Why a bike with a name that references the Book of Mormon? The story (according to a missionary source) goes like this:

"We have a gentleman from Taiwan who was a convert to the church, and he wanted to be more helpful to missionaries," says [Michael] Spence, a lifelong Mormon who rode a 10-speed Schwinn on his mission 30 years ago, "and he said, 'You know, these bikes are really bad.' " So Spence and the grateful convert created the Liahona Mission Bike, a 21speed mountain bike sold exclusively to Mormon missionaries, also known as elders. Spence assembles the bicycles himself-the frames come from Taiwan, the Shimano parts from Japan. . . Named after a compass in the Book of Mormon, the Liahona's design is based in part on recommendations from elders. Its most Mormon-specific feature is a plastic sprocket guard to keep trouser cuffs oil-free."

It's sort of like FUBU for mormons, a bicycle marketed only to Mormon Missionaries. I am no missionary, but after researching it a bit, I realized what an interesting bike I had. It just had a tune-up, including a full drivetrain overhaul. It is now dialed and ready for your next mission, this neat mountain bike with a cool back story will get you there. You could even ride it over to the polls on November 2nd and tell the Romney supporters all about it. You know, this bike is so reliable you can ride to the polls again in four years when Mitt tries again. Now I am asking $150, but am open to reasonable offers. Please don't hesitate to email me and put "Mission" in the header, or text me at (Five Zero Eight) 801-[deleted]. Thanks!

SOLD!

tags: mountain, bike, bicycle, front suspension, fork, shock, freeride, xc, cross country, all mountain, trail, singletrack, all terrain, hardtail, disc, mormon, Romney, interesting

I had no idea the need for clean pant cuffs was specific to the Mor-man, and I wonder if they're intrigued by belt drives, as featured on bikes like The Budnitz.  By the way, if you were intrigued by The Budnitz and its modest $5,600 price tag, yet you found it too be just a little bit too "titanium-y," then perhaps you'd be intrigued by this similarly swoopy bent beech wood thing, forwarded to me by numerous readers:


This "beautiful bike" is, as the headline says, indeed made from bent beech wood.  It is also completely stupid.  Consider this passage:

One of the nicest aspects of the design is just how much of the bike is made from wood—even the saddle is hand-crafted from a lump of beech.  To keep things simple it doesn't come with brakes, just a pair of carbon fiber wheels and a single-speed drive train.

I assume it lacks brakes since they couldn't figure out how to make them from wood, though it seems fairly easy to me to fabricate a set of V-brakes out of rubber bands and chopsticks.  As for the wooden seat, I'd hardly call that good design, though fortunately you can always use a bathmat to keep the splinters out of your ass:


(Seen by a reader in Washington, DC.)

Bath.  Mat.  Duct.  Tape.  Good design and good spondee.

Best of all, this wooden piece of crap costs $70,000, which is the equivalent of 12.5 Budnitzes.  (Or "Budnii," which is technically the plural of Budnitz.)

Of course, if you prefer something more practical, you can always opt for this bike, also forwarded by a reader:


It features "collision avoidance" via "haptic feedback," and as well as smartphone braking:

First, there’s collision avoidance that offers haptic feedback when you’re about to slam into something. The bike also works with your smartphone for built-in mapping and “drive by wire” control of your brakes and transmission. The creators hope to offer ubiquitous computing built-in for “data sensing, real-time intelligent tracking systems, dynamic routing, and social integration.”

I don't know what "haptic feedback" is, but I wonder if it's as effective as "looking out for shit."  Also, half the time my "smartphone" won't even send out a Tweet when I want it to, so I'm not sure I want it in charge of my brakes.  Then again, I do hope they make this, if only to hear people say things like, "My smartphone dropped my braking and I flew right over the guardrail.  Good thing I was wearing my helment."  In any case, I urge you to vote Lobster this year, so we can finally form a cycling equivalent of the Food and Drug Administration that bans electronics geeks and design douches from any projects that are remotely bicycle-related.

This amendment would also ban smug cycling infographics.

Lastly, rest assured I'll get around to judging the Second Biennial Cock-Off just as soon as I can extract myself from beguiling submissions such as this one:


As the entrant points out, this one is unique in that the quill stem is actually longer than the handlebars are wide.  Also, I would point out that looks like one of those distance measuring wheels:


(The world's first Spingergy.)

Could be a dedicated surveying bike.

79 comments:

Anonymous said...

Praise Lob.

samh said...

AYHSMB.

McFly said...

http://davefoley.com/bikeracing/negacoach/

Maybe this will help you podio.

babble on said...

Hellllllllo!

RANTWICK said...

OK, last time I plug my contest here in WRM's comments section, promise. He said I could. Really. Anyway I run a fall foliage contest called the Rantwick Autumn Tree Smackdown. It is in its third year and in lots of places, now is the time to get a wining picture of a tree flexing its foliage in arboreal smackdown style. If you enter, you could win a second-hand Trophy, modified by me, declaring your tree the King (or Queen) of Autumn, plus a tub of breadcrumbs. Really. Click Here to learn more.

Anonymous said...

Top ten?

hey nonny mouse

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten!

biketinker said...

w00t

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

Anonymous said...

LATE LNCH

Comment deleted said...

Careful not to injure a fetlock, snobby. They might shoot you.

Anonymous said...

balls™

Anonymous said...

WCRM,
That's not a bath mat sir, it is a furry toilet seat cover.

FACT CHEK

Comment deleted said...

I get scranic feedback when I'm about to slam into something, followed by craptic feedback once I've completed slamming into something.

Anonymous said...

FUJI COST

$45

SEAT POST

PLUS SEAT

=$300

DerZoots said...

Top ten fom smarting phone NAHHHHH!!!

P. Bateman said...

looks like company page for the iphone bike has a survey - i certainly left them some helpful feedback and i think you should too. very helpful indeed.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snobby - you missed the article about Bobby Valentine, the manager of the red sucks, crashing on his bike because he was riding and texting. Gee wonder why they are in last place with a manager dumber than a stump?

cycle

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:56:

You missed Wildsnob's coverage of that event in yesterday's this.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The recumbabe is beautifully bent on her bike.

Anonymous said...

Snob, did you check that Liahona "Mormon" bike tale with Snopes.com? If that was a REAL missionary [ha! ha!] bike, wouldn't there be clean-cut young people standing nearby in short-sleeve white shirts, backpacks, and helments? Urban legend, I say. When it comes to religion-specific bike, I've heard that there's a Catholic girls mixte with patent leather covered lateral tubes of REMARKABLE reflectivity [true story]. And that's no lobster tale.

mikeweb said...

Careful Snobbers, if you try that Equine EPO like I did, you won't ride better, but your 'cup will runneth over', if you know what I mean.

BIGG WZZR

Anonymous said...

Q: Do you know why Mormons bury the dead with their butts sticking up in the air?

A: So they'll have a place to park their bikes when they visit the grave.

Anonymous said...

Rantwick [@1:32] please! What does your contest have to do with bikes, New York, snobbery, or irreverence & satire?! Well? You are running the "alley cat race" of contests; that is, unsanctioned and with tattoos. But, that makes it okay, I guess; will you be giving away fancy-pants bike light prizes? Holla!

mikeweb said...

McFly, if I'm not mistaken, isn't haptic feedback what happens when eating Beaver? Right before the Skittle rainbow part I mean...

StevenCX said...

"beat pulp" eh? Interesting. I that an extra-smashed beet pulp?

bikevcar said...

"This Beautiful Bike Is Made From Bent Beech Wood" and has a piece of sticky tape to connect the fork to the frame. Don't ride it in the rain.

bikevcar said...

"This Beautiful Bike Is Made From Bent Beech Wood" and has a piece of sticky tape to connect the fork to the frame. Don't ride it in the rain.

Captain Hardbread said...

FLOT ILLA

Anonymous said...

Snobby - the velodrome swap meet is the greatest cycling event ever. Where else can to paw old bike parts and drink beer at 10am? Well maybe at your house but my wife won't let me. I meet tons of people who look just like me. What could be better? You'd sell 2 or 3 books if you came. It would be so worth it.

cycle

Marcel Da Chump said...

The Bike of Mormon is incompatible with a fixed gear.

mikeweb said...

Does the Mormon bike also reduce your speed by 10%?

McFly said...

If "haptic feedback" is tongue/jaw cramp combo then yes, yes it is.

McFly said...

The forces exerted by the user on the interface are nowhere near as high as the moisture exerted by the user on the interface.


Wait...that should be enterface.

frilly said...

I actually think the beech wood bike is pretty. However, I was thinking wood reacts to the elements, y'know expand & contract, correct? So I wonder if that affects the performance of the bike? That is if you actually ride it.

Anonymous said...

you do realize that many cyclists will try these veterinary EPOs now.

Marcel Da Chump said...

mikeweb,...only in tithe gear.

Pocketed escape-hole said...

The noises commonly associated with flatulence are caused by the vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks.

n 1998, Chester "Buck" Weimer of Pueblo, Colorado received a patent for the first undergarment that contained a replaceable charcoal filter. The undergarments are air-tight and provide a pocketed escape hole in which a charcoal filter can be inserted.[17] In 2001 Mr Weimer received the Ig Nobel Prize for Biology for his invention.

McFly said...

Cool back story, bro. Can I ride it in the missionary position.

LOOK OUT BEECHES THEY MAKIN' BIKES!

Yes Frilly, wood expands. Then contracts. When wet. You know this.

The Ghost of Jacque Coustou said...

EPIC CLAW


Zee oczean iz teeeeming wiz life.

Anonymous said...

"Also, half the time my "smartphone" won't even send out a Tweet when I want it to."

WCRM, you must not have Verizon...

Coathangrrr said...

I think Budnitzen would probably closer to the true plural for German.

Dooth said...

Bare-breasted Recumbabe to compensate for the religious subtext! Woo hoo!

Anonymous said...

http://www.outsideonline.com/blog/outdoor-adventure/fatbike-expedition-comes-to-a-halt.html

Perfect fodder. Fod away... please.

Anonymous said...

Who's the M.I.L.F. on the aqua xtracycle?

Anonymous said...

did you know that if you click "next blog" at the top of the page, it takes you to www.stevetilford.com ?

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or does the girl on the SurlyBoat look like a Russian prostitute?

Anonymous said...

Gizmodo-Who in the world would buy a bike Gism in the name?

Anonymous said...

I'll be working the Fall Classic, Look out for the guy sneaking up behind you to lay a Merckx style shot to the liver on one of the climbs

Buffalo Bill said...

Having been paid to survey stuff during my mis-spent youth, I can tell you that ain't no survey bike.
A real survey bike is held together with orange flagging tape and has some hay stuck in the chain.

Buffalo Bill said...

And furthermore...
at the end of that drag-feits vid, was the guy standing about halfway down taking a whiz on the wall or was that stain already there?

Jimboner said...

Drinking beer, grilling sausage.

babble on said...

anon@2:53 - then we can watch darwinism in action.

mikeweb - Yes!! and MMMM skittles...

McFly - Haptic feedback comes from the user of the interface just prior to the moment of rainbow-skittle-love-truth. Then she thanks you for your efforts and kisses you to make pain in your tongue/jaw go away.

DAY-UM. I actually have to work today. Laters, sweet peeps...

Cipo said...

Yes it is true.

There is a television in me pants.

It's a JUMBOTRON SHD 3D!



Little Cipo needs the entertainment too!

leroy said...

My dog claims that riding a wooden saddle would be like humping a pirate's peg leg.

I asked him how he would know.

That shut him up.

And I'm pretty sure a "haptic ending" isn't what he says it is.


ploeg said...

>That's because I already know who
>I'm voting for

Arthur: What, behind the lobster?
Tim: It is the lobster!
Arthur: You silly sot!

ploeg said...

>That's because I already know who
>I'm voting for

Arthur: What, behind the lobster?
Tim: It is the lobster!
Arthur: You silly sot!

Anonymous said...

Spingergy?
Ggood Ggawd!

Grump said...

That distance thingy is actually the prototype for the original Aerospoke wheel.
.
.

Anonymous said...

Tridork alert
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/trending-now/5-old-joyfully-narrates-mountain-bike-adventure-adorably-200029242.html

babble on said...

Thank you, Snobcat, for full frontal recumbabe. She was a ray of nippleyous light in a dark and stormy night. Well, it was day, actually, but that doesn't rhyme.

and it was sunny and warm

Anonymous said...

Serious question, WCRM - why do you hate Pennsyltucky so much?

I hate it too. I am just curious.

Anonymous said...

runny and warm

mikeweb said...

I may have haptic feedback confused with laptic feedback. Sorry everyone.

STG said...

Hey snob,

Been a long time reader, but the lobster joke isn't that funny anymore. not on par with your other stuff.

Don't forget, Fred is just out there getting stronger... and you're in here... getting weaker.

David Foster Wallace said...

Consider the Lobster when you enter the voting booth.

BikeSnobNYC said...

STG,

It's not supposed to be funny.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

@anon @ 12:41am: Native New Yorker City-ers are required by statute to hate everyplace else, unless irony is involved.

Anonymous said...

I heard bugs were bigger way back when, giant sized even. that demiLob looks liek a big zero gravity bug. space Lobs are heeeuuuge

ZERO GRAV

BIGG BUGG

SPAC CLAW

grog said...

Well-played Chump.
Last time i used the voting booth, i couldn't find a urinal, so i used the lobster tourine.
Does magic underwear include a shammy?

BENT BABE
LOBB RIDE

STG said...

Dear Snob,

I'm afraid I have to apologize for my previous comment. As an east-coast Portlander, I take lobsters very seriously.

I don't know if a lobster god exists, but I did meet the lobster king. He used to live at the Maine Aquarium (now closed) on Route 1. Or rather, imprisoned there like Napoleon.

His name was Claws, was about 40 years old, measured 4' long with a claw span of about 3', with claws bigger than baseball mits. He weighed about 70lbs. When he died they dissected him, and found that his shell was over 2" thick in places.

RIP.

Anonymous said...

The warming of oceans has caused a bumper lobster crop; restaurants are charging less, for example, at my local lunch spot they're selling two lobsters with all the trimmings for 35 bucks.

McFly said...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

trimmingssssssssssssssss

amarklin said...

I thought it was Spider-Man's Russian stalker-girl.

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