Tuesday, October 2, 2012

It's For My Cat: Absence Makes the Fred Go Fondo

So, like, what are you going this this weekend?  Really?  Shooting at pigeons out your window with a slingshot you made from office supplies?  OK, gross, but whatever.  Well, if you want to know what I'm doing (which you don't, but I'm going to tell you anyway because there's nothing between me and the Internet except a Commodore 64 and my total inability to self-edit) I'll be unleashing my inner Fred at the Bicycling Fall Classic, presented by Sp[mumblemumblemumble]:


Ordinarily at this time of year I'd already be deep into sucking at the cyclocrossing.  However, this year I've been especially busy and so I haven't gotten around to it yet.  "How busy are you?," you're not asking at this point.  Well, I'm this busy:


(Willem Dafoe as Jesus indicating how busy I am by holding his hands apart as far as they'll go.  Any implication of martyrdom on my part is purely unintentional.)

Or, if you prefer, I'm this busy.

Either way, the simple fact is that all those episodes of "Homeland" and "Boardwalk Empire" are not going to watch themselves.

Given all these demands on my time, I recently made the stunning discovery that instead of spending like five hours in a car to suck badly in a race for 45 minutes, I can instead just hop on a bike outside my front door, ride wherever I want for as long as I want, and lose to nobody but myself.  Therefore, I have yet to hoist a cyclocross bike onto my shoulder this season, though that may change in the coming months, or it may not, and I'm pleased to say that I've finally reached the point in my life where I just don't care anymore.

So why then am I traveling all the way to Pennsylvania (eeew!) to take part in a giant Fred ride?  Well, not only am I eager to find out why the Lehigh Valley is known as "Pennsylvania's vulvanus," but as a Bicycling columnist I'm also getting $100 (pro-rated) per mile ridden.  That means, given my current physical state, I should be returning to New York with about $246 in my pocket, which is isn't exactly chump change.  (It's more like "douche change.")

In any case, I am in all sincerity looking forward to it, and if you too would like to ride the undulations of "Pennsylvania's vulvanus" and allow me to sit resolutely on your wheel for the duration of the ride, you should register from the Bicycling Fall Classic today.

Of course, I believe this ride is technically a "Gran Fondo," and as far as I know there's not going to be any drug testing, which means I'm free to dope like that guy who got busted in New York.  Fortunately, I've found a website where I can score some EPO, and they even offer overnight shipping:


Unfortunately though, there's one small problem:


Which is that it appears to be for cats and dogs:

What is Epogen?
Epogen is a prescription medication used to treat anemia associated with chronic kidney disease and kidney failure.

Who is it for?
Epogen is for dogs and cats.

Then again, I'm sure it doesn't really make a difference and they just have to say that to cover themselves.  I mean, I eat cat food all the time and there's nothing wrong with me, apart from the fact that I feel sick all the time.  I've also added a half-bath to my apartment by putting a litter box in the closet, thereby increasing the value of my apartment by about $20K.  (And it's not just for show, either.  I actually use it.)  Therefore I'm sure a little pet EPO won't hurt me, just so long as I consult with a veterinarian:

Always follow the dosage instructions provided by your veterinarian. If you have difficulty giving the medication, contact your veterinarian. This medication should only be given to the pet for which it was prescribed.

"Uh, yeah, how much Epogen would my cat, Noodles, need for a 90-mile bike ride?  He's 5'10" and weighs about 180lbs."  Yes, I realize that's a little heavy, but that's what happens when you stop racing and watch TV all day while gorging yourself on cat food.

Speaking of cheating, no less a personage than "CommieCanuk" recently informed me that the editor of a journal about cheating in sports was in fact cheating at writing a journal about cheating in sports:


Ah yes, plagiarism: the heterogeneous blood doping of academia:

I tried using plagiarism detection software to determine whether publishers’ articles I was examining contained plagiarism, but it didn’t work. The best programs had already indexed the articles I was checking, so they came back as 100% positive because they were already in the database.

Evidently the plagiarism test seems about as unreliable as the EPO test.

In other news, a reader tells me that the mayor of Reykjavík has publicly apologized for "depicting cyclists negatively:"



Evidently he plays a character who's both a cyclist and a jerk, and the people of Reykjavík won't stand for it:


Reykjavík mayor Jón Gnarr has apologised for potentially depicting cyclists negatively in his role as one of the main characters of the Icelandic situation comedy Næturvaktin (Night Shift).

Jón's character on the show, gas station manager Georg Bjarnfreðarson, is a self-aggrandizing intellectual wannabe with a penchant for putting his foot in his mouth and being generally clueless about how to talk with people. He also rode a bicycle.

Here's the shocking footage:





Between the hyper-sensitivity, the mayor who's also a sitcom character, and the bleak attempt at humor, life in Reykjavík comes across very much like "Portlandia" if it was directed by Ingmar Bergman.  I think the guy in the blue jacket should also apologize for looking like the offspring of Jack Black and Björk.  Then maybe I'll finally be able to watch "Næturvaktin" again without crying.

By the way, remember the cockpit contest?


(Cock.)


(Pit.)



(Contest.)

Well, I've been too busy to "curate" it properly lately:


("Busy.")

Plus, I have a Fondo to train for.  But I assure you I'll get around to concluding it eventually.  Then, maybe after that I'll have a "Best Triathlete Crash" contest, and this one that was forwarded to me by another reader would be a formidable contender:


In fact, it's part of a series, which you can view here.  I apologize in advance for the "spoiler," but here's where he winds up:


In addition to illustrating the triathlete's unique ability to crash himself or herself without the slightest intervention from any outside forces, it also shows the triathlete's ineptitude when it comes to taking evasive action--note that the rider behind has unclipped both feet in response to the incident and his legs merely hang there useless like sausages in the window of a charcuterie:


The inevitable result is the "crotchal endo," which occurs when the rider straddles the top tube and places both feet on the ground while slowing as the rear of the bicycle lifts up due to the frontal weight distribution.  It's a maneuver unique to triathletes, and if you've ever seen it you know it evokes some dorky animal presenting itself to a mate.

It's only a matter of time before triathletes finally adopt the recumbent trike. 

136 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

podio!

Anonymous said...

Podium.

Anonymous said...

No comments?

Kenny Banya said...

Top ten Kenny.

Buffalo Bill said...

Ouch

ringcycles said...

dangling off the lead group!

Anonymous said...

Almost on the steps. Top Ten!!

2wheeler said...

newly unemployed get stimulus help

le Correcteur said...

top ten; unread.

babble on said...

:D Good day, peeps!

Anonymous said...

tri dorks!

Anonymous said...

Tri-athletes can't even fall right. It's as if he's purposely trying to break his wrist and catapult his face into the pavement.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

jeeesus... fast triggers

Anonymous said...

Was that monkey photo missing Larry King head?





balls™

Anonymous said...

Looks like tri dorks are branching out to "freestyle" bikecycling...that definitely looks like a "can-can" to my untrained eye

Anonymous said...

Grannie Fondue

Anonymous said...

I can't wait until McFly posts some more about eating pussy. who cares about Cipo?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Alot of primate discussions lately. You've been spending too much time at the John Hawks Weblog.

MNKY SPNK

Captain Hardbread said...

VITO BUSY

P. Bateman said...

that monkey was just the funniest darn thing. thank you.

Anonymous said...

The man gets a helmet saved my life story out of it.

grog said...

Vito Fofonov.
Babe Recumbent.
Snob Crossracer.
Weed Tomorrow.

babble on said...

Oh yes, please. I long to ride the undulations of "Pennsylvania's vulvanus as you sit resolutely on my free wheel." And while we're at it, please sir, do send photos of you "deep into sucking," -at anything- because that sounds like fun, too.

Anonymous said...

If racers boost with other people's blood... a little feline EPO shouldn't slow them down a bit...

Serial Retrogrouch said...

babble, the man just showed you a video and photo of himself 'busy' at work.

my eyes had enough.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'd like to thank my anonymous lead out train and Kenny. Couldn't have done it without you guys!

CommieCanuck said...

About that kitty EPO, if Mittens' erection lasts more than four hours, see your doctor. Your psychiatrist, who will help you will issues of staring at your cat's genitals for four hours.

EPOK ITTY

Anonymous said...

Teamwork

mikeweb said...

First CC's harrowing experience at the McMaster BRA, and now a shout out on the very blog? Talk about rags to riches...

Cipo said...

eating pussy

Cipo said...

I use that dismount myself. See 5:22 in my latest bond flick.

http://vimeo.com/48071362

JB said...

Sausages are not useless.

babble on said...

Yeah, grouch, I see the fofinoving, is not the same thing as being deep into sucking.

Besides, I'm pretty sure that's not snobbers. It looks a lot like Commie's new date.

babble on said...

Erm... I can type. I can read, too, at least on a good day

Sigh.

Maybe I'm the hairy monkey in this conversation.

babble on said...

Hey Snobbems,

Did your cat go on a walkabout with McFly's kitty?

Concerned,
Babbles

Fred Clydesdale said...

what exactly was going on with the tridork? it looks like he hasn't even straddled the bike in that first shot, so did he somehow figure out how to do a full faceplant JUST TRYING TO MOUNT HIS BIKE?

leogodoy said...

"Bjarnfreðarson"?

Bjarn FRED arson

wishiwasmerckx said...

I thought that I saw Leroy's dog in the backseat with a tranny Poodle last night on "Taxicab Confessions" on HBO.

JDH said...

I coulda been a contendah! But I crashed at the starting line. Stupid tow clits!

Jed said...

Sweet sainted mother of Chiquita.
Give that monkey a washcloth. Things are about to get messy.

Andy Hampsten said...

Tri-dorks would be fine if they would just stop dressing with the leotards and sleeveless t's. Obviously they should dress like linebackers, complete with face masks and chin guards.

Koebner phenomenon describes the development of lesions within areas of trauma (eg, caused by scratching, rubbing, injury). Psoriasis frequently exhibits this phenomenon, as may lichen planus.

Anonymous said...

What is with the tri-"athletes " inability to ride a bike?
Very interesting and always funny phenomenon.

I learned to ride a bicycle around age 7; starting and stopping and everything!

I'm a big boy now!

Anonymous said...

I just don't understand that tri dork crash. He's not even riding a time trial bike. I can see why tri dorks who insist on riding time trial bike crash all the time - those things are really difficult to maneuver. But a road bike, even with the addition of dork-tacular clip-ons, is pretty easy to maneuver. And how did he get himself all bollixed up like that?

Anonymous said...

Tack-gate happened again today, this time at the bottom of the Queensboro bridge in Manhattan. Two shiny new thumb tacks in my front tire. Now i really feel "pro."

meaux512 said...

Here's what's happening with the crashing tridork: he's approaching the dismount line (there in the yellow) and botched the attempt to position himself for a running dismount. That's how he got himself in that strange configuration. Also, that' why the person behind him is unclipped: also getting ready to dismount.

Anonymous said...

what one of your many bikes will you be riding at the Bicycling Fred fest? I bet you are wishing you still had that sweet budnitz right about now aren't you. Ride Strong wildcat.

babble on said...

anon@ 1:50?

I'm just here to testify that you don't need to be a tri-dork in order to crash. I can do it anytime, day or night, with tow clits or without.

I'm gifted that way.

Anonymous said...

When will the "Freds" of the world appologise for "depicting cycling negatively." I know it will never happen. "Freds" are simply not self aware enough to realize how moronic and incompetent they are and too neurotic and arrogant to take a hint from those who are all to aware of how moronic and incompetent they are.

Anonymous said...

Snobby - when you drive to the Bicycling ride, you'll be going by my house. The beer is cold and the natives semi-friendly (and Fredly).

cycle

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i'd like to go out on a limb here and defend tri-dorks. just you try swimming five meter, bikeen a few blocks and then dismount to start running.

the dork's heart must've been beating faster than the monkey foffin'off.

Anonymous said...

Babs,
Tow clits.
Is tow an acronym?

Anonymous said...

meaux512 - Your explanation of the tri-dork's predicament seems plausible, but it raises more questions than it answers. Are tri-dorks completely unaware of the existence of cyclocross? Neither person in that photo seems to understand the basic rudiments of the running dismount. And what is that dumbass doing on the right side of his bike? Generally, we dismount on the left hand side. Again, an awareness of the existence of CX may have helped.

frilly said...

Nicely done RCT! Kisses!

Grouch-thank you. Adrenaline is tricky. And its easy in tri to be so focused on what's coming up that you lose concentration on what you're supposed to be doing now. Don't judge. But at the same time I hafta admit, you see people doing some insane shit all in the name of saving a few seconds.

babble on said...

Dunno - I was plagiarizing JDH @1:44, but anything clit has to be good, right?

Anonymous said...

Tickle or wiggle

Paddy Chayefsky said...

"So, Marty, like, what are you going this this weekend?"

"I dunno Angie, like, what are you going this this weekend?"

ken e. said...

what the hell happened to monday?

SURF 'SUP
ZMBI FRED

TRID SMNT
FELL DOWN

McFly said...

I do that triathlete move all the time with my face and the road. Except the road is a vagina.


Sex.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thanks frills!

Honestly if I was going to try a tri I would just ride some flat pedals. Theres a time and a place for tow clits.

Jimboner said...

Monkey money shot please!

Anonymous said...

Try oral wow

Anonymous said...

Tantalizing oral wonder

McFly said...

Lick. Poke. Stroke.

I would buy THAT T-shirt. I would buy 2.

Sleep Murmurs said...

Is Vulvanus like the new Scranus 2.0 or something? Will we all be murmuring it in our sleep? Or, or, or...oh yeah! That plagiarizing prof is from MANGALORE! Should we send Frilly and Babble to investigate?

Poppadaddio said...

Fraud!
There are no gas stations in Iceland because everything is geothermally powered.

frilly said...

Better Fred than dead, rct?

Say it Snobbie--SPECIALIZED!

Out of curiousity, have you ever ridden a Specialized? Or would you ever admit you've ridden one?

Anonymous said...

Tempt our wanting

leroy said...

I should have known that my dog's lifting his leg all over Brooklyn and claiming a kidney problem was a thinly disguised ruse to score EPO from the vet.

It explains a lot.

Anonymous said...

It isn't a dismount line. Look again. It's an inverted C followed by UNT line. Clear as anything. I woulda crashed too.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'm pretty freddly. I still wear my bikeen shorts when I ride my recumbent. Keeps bees and stuff from flying up my leg holes.

leroy said...

WIWM --

Couldn't have been my dog. He's too cheap to spring for a cab.

g-roc said...

Anon 2:11, I'm still trying to think of someone who depicts cycling positively...

Sleep Murmurs: Scranus is MANgular. Vulvanus is the Femalitization form scranus. Geez, luk how u maid me go al grammer nazi on u.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Babble - we're talking bike crashing, not falling down drunk.
Also exactly WHERE are the tow clits?

McFly said...

LEGH OLES

TOWC LITS

TRIS PLAT

Anonymous said...

These clits should come with instruction manuals!

Tow clits !?!
Tow as in pulling?
How hard?

Anonymous said...

I cringe to think of wildcat, with his dark cynical big city ways, spending several hours in the lovely rolling hills of PA with the affable and earnest folks at bicycling magazine. I foresee lots of uncomfortable silence and nervous laughter. Go easy on them wildcat.

McFly said...

Toe Clits is a very specilaized and highly evolved sexual practice. It's probably not what you are thinking. You rub your toe on a ladies clit. OK maybe it is what you were thinking.

Billy said...

I bought a flat-bar Specialized "fitness bike" before I knew any better.

Now it's sprouted some VO handlebars, a chain guard, fenders, rack, lights... Once I get my front-wheel stabilizer installed and pony up some cash for a double-leg kickstand, I will have accessorized my way into a Dutch bike.

I already have the whole "difficult to remove rear wheel" thing going because the rear rack mounts to the skewer because the carbon seat stays have no eyelets.

Anonymous said...

Skip the Bicycling Fondue and do the Covered Bridge ride in Bucks county PA.
http://cbbikeclub.org/?body=covered_bridge_ride&nav=cbr
It is cheaper, just a beautiful, and nobody is doing it as a race!

See you at the Flea Market, tho!
Detroit Mac

Comment deleted said...

Babble On says: Maybe I'm the hairy monkey in this conversation.

Well, that settles last week's "carpet controversy", I guess.

Fred said...

Toe Clits was a shortstop in the Negro League, from 1903 to 1907. He was known for his quick glove and unusual running style.

babble on said...

Comment Deleted - actually, I was referring to my IQ, but we can run with that instead, if you like.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Fred,
i popular-search-engined toe clits expecting to find something on the shortstop you mention... but, dear lob, don't click on any of the hits as the images can make monkeys foffinov.

babble on said...

Esteemed commentator - How did you KNOW??!

babble on said...

Hey Grouch, While your monkeys are busy, check out wiki's take on masturbation. Just don't do it if you're at work.

McFly said...

What's the big deal about looking at "stuff" at work?

Excuse me for a minute, Human Resources is paging me to come to the I.T. Department for a "discussion on appropiatness".

g-roc said...

Stop it with the tow clits already. All I can think about are camels now.

babble on said...

better than sheep...

JDH said...

@babble on, 2:32-WORD.

babble on said...

ooooooh! I just love the tickles. :)

Friendo said...

maybe better bike handling skilz with a little less chub?

JD said...

I think they wrote the "c" back the front on the finish line chalk message in the triathlon bike crash series

Anonymous said...

Snob,

Are you aware that you have 5 hours to complete your 90 miles Fondo ??

You need to be fit!

Dude Cipo said...

Have I ever told you'all about that gal from Dixie? Georgia I think? Well it turns out she has a chimera just like Hamilton Tyler has. Only hers manifests itself as an extra pussy while Tyler's manifests itself as an extra arsehole.

When I come back I want to have two penises. Just in case. DUDE!

Red Neck'ked Trailer Trash Cipo said...

YEEEEEE-HHAAAAhh!!!!

Flame'in NASCAR Wrecks an poon-tang!!!



YYEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Love triathlete humor... getting weird looks as I laugh over my Arby's Grand Turkey Club.

McFly said...

Shows what you know. That tryathlete was just practicing the ancient Native Amercian art of "Putting an ear to the ground" so as to see how close the enemy/competition is/are. When you do it in one quick "fell" swoop like that it just looks like a crash.

HOOF BEAT

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wildcat must have seen Bergman's SHAME.

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

That ape needs to shave his bush if he ever wants to make it to adult movies.. Nasty bush just ain't right..

Grump said...

$85 for an almost Century?
.
.
How Fredly.
.
.
Now we know for sure, that you've sold out to "THE MAN".

If you keep this up, Bicycling will have you doing articles on Half step gearing.

Anonymous said...

Tickle tickle

McFly said...

I, too, am doing a Gran Fondo (its Italian for Big Jane Fonda) this weekend starting from where else....Fly, Tenn. It's hilly, like Jane Fonda, and has a dirt road, like Jane Fonda. Like a true woosey I put my 34T back on. I love it.

Anonymous said...

BEAV RLUV

naaktbeer said...

http://www.instructables.com/id/Laser-Monocle-Headpiece/

monocle contest?

Anonymous said...

Quote below from the Reddit thread about the tridork crash. Second comment is from the crasher.

0_o Good lord, they really do that?


Do you use clipless for thriatlon? I would think it wasn't such a good idea, precisely for these kind of situations.

-
Yeah, most people do - they just don't make such a mess of getting off the bike! I'm no expert though - lots of people take their shoes off while clipped in and cycle the last few metres with their feet on top of the shoes... I thought the other way would be less difficult!!

jacobmontereal said...

It was fun to read. Thanks I enjoyed it.

Jacob of biking Philippines

Anonymous said...

L´Eroica !!!

Samantha Lynn said...

Top ten Kenny.

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