Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Found Smugness: Why Buy the Chicken When You Can Get the Lead For Free?

Generally speaking, I try not to bother you, the reader (as opposed to me, the douchebag) with tedious details concerning the running of this blog.  However,  since I feel I've earned your trust over the last five-ish years of more-or-less daily bullshit "curation," I owe it to you to reveal that last Sunday, at the Bicycling Fall Classic, while in extreme oxygen debt on a climb, I agreed to sell this blog to Rodale (parent company of Bicycling and manufacturers of top-quality nerve agents) for $75 and a sweet "bro" deal on a Specialized.  (You can read the full press release in "Bicycle Retailer and Industry News.")

Rest assured that nothing will change, and that the blog you've grown to know and become indifferent to you will be the very same one that "jumped the shark" about 4.5 years ago.  The only real difference is that I'm now $75 richer and riding around on one of Mike Sinyard's crabon fribé brainfarts.  Also, I've agreed that images of the rider known colloquially as "Recumbabe:"


(Recumbabe does Canada, by BKJimmy.)

Will heretofore be replaced with photographs of Ann Romney:


(I don't know what she's baking, but it looks fucking delicious.)

Also, there's going to be a print version of the blog, and I'm modeling the design after "Cycling World," as forwarded to me by a reader:


If you haven't read their latest feature, "Water Bottles: A Convenient And Practical Way to Stay Hydrated While Biking," then you owe it to yourself to pick up a copy wherever fourth-tier periodicals are sold.

Oh, there's also one other thing, which is that they want me to increase my coverage of new cycling products by roughly 600%, since pictures of naked ladies on recumbents "Don't make money for nobody," as the head of their accounting department put it to me over coffee and threats as he cracked his knuckles.  The only problem is that I don't get much by way of new product solicitation, since most manufacturers recognize the fact that I'm what is called "an idiot" in bicycle industry jargon.  In fact, pretty much the only company to make any overtures to me in the past few months has been Budnitz Bicycles, which should give you an idea of how pathetic I am.

Fortunately, as I rummaged through my electronic inbox this morning, I found a message from a company called "SlingFin," who wanted me to mention the combination pannier/backpack called the "Honey Badger" that they're currently flogging on the Kickstarter:



Basically, the SlingFin people need $175,000 to make this, and if they don't get it in five days this guy is going to have to go back into The Matrix:


One of the chief selling points of the Honey Badger is its durability, and to illustrate this they drag it from behind a pickup truck:


This is actually a really important test, especially if you live in the southern United States, where they like to do this sort of thing to minorities, homosexuals, and cyclists.

As I watched this video, though, I realized that I'm not really qualified to evaluate the product.  Sure, as a New York City cyclist there's a better-than-average chance that I'll one day get dragged for about eighteen blocks by a mafia-owned refuse-hauling truck, but this is also a very "outdoorsy" product and I'm about as outdoorsy as a suede loveseat.  Sure, I ride a bike outside, but I don't sleep there.  If I'm traveling and you need to find me your best bet is to check the hotels with flushing toilets, because there's no way you're going to find me sleeping in a soccer ball in the Himalayas:


The SlingFin team are very outdoorsy, though.  Consider Lauren, aka "Sky," who's way into skydiving, as well as "canyoneering, slacklining," and a whole bunch of other stuff:


As an inveterate wussbag I've never even heard of most of those activities, and I thought I was listening to Lacy Underalls in "Caddyshack" talking about "skinnyskiing" and "bullfights on acid."  Anyway, to further test the Honey Badger, Sky hurls herself right into a waterfall:


I'm guessing when it rains she doesn't take the bus.

So to review, you can use the Honey Badger to carry a dog:


Or to climb shit:



Or to go on a hardcore gentrifying expedition:



Or to "portage" your groovy 1970s-style skateboard:


Best of all, it's fully compatible with your gigantic pie plate;


Intriguing, but slightly overbuilt for my purposes.

But what I may lack in hardiness I do make up for in smugness--or so I thought.  Since taking delivery of a Surly Big Dummy a couple or so years back I've become a genuine cargo bike enthusiast and a fan of the Xtracycle system.  However, after I watched this Xtracycle promotional video that was forwarded to me by a reader, I realized that true smugness is nearly as alien to me as survival in the great outdoors:


At first, the film was perfectly relatable to me.



Anybody with children knows that parenting mostly consists of caging and confining the offspring in order to go from one place to the other, and this apparatus seems like it would do an excellent job of it:


"Cool, I want that!," I immediately found myself thinking.  But then the film takes a bizarre turn when Dad, beneath whose staid suburban attire beats the heart of a freegan, suddenly makes straight for the trash:


Then, after a bit of rummaging, he presents his delighted child with a pinwheel:


This is where they lost me.  Perhaps the same wussiness that makes me gravitate to hotels also makes me wary of skeevy street pinwheels that come from the garbage, but when I think of some of the items I've discarded and why I'm convinced that my caution with regard to pinwheels of unknown provenance is warranted.  I mean, who knows what the previous owner was doing with that thing?  For all I know there's some disgusting frat boy game where the object is to see who can make a pinwheel spin the longest with the force a "loogie" or a blast of flatulence.  At the very least I'd want to give the thing a good disinfecting.

Meanwhile, Mom's shopping for plants, completely oblivious to the fact that Dad has just handed the kids a germ-laden wheel of fortune:


And he doesn't stop there, either, because after some more rummaging he finds a typewriter:


The filth possibilities of the typewriter make the pinwheel seem positively antiseptic in comparison.  Who knows what insect infestation is living deep in its inner workings?  Or, maybe the guy who threw it out was some William S. Burroughs-esque beatnik junkie who would type a few words of poetry, nod off, and then just drool all over it.  Dad's not worried though, and he throws it in the bike with nary a concern:


At this point I began to worry about the state of Dad's Xtracycle.  I know my own is pretty disgustingly filthy.  In fact, the other day I actually found old restaurant leftovers in it--and I don't even haul trash with it.  Hopefully Dad's at least hosing that scow down after his wild family garbage parties.

So where's Mom?  Still shopping for plants:


("Nice cactus!")

And clearly she's not fucking around, because next she unfurls the trailer:


As Dad lets the kids pick out some baked goods:


("They have two-day old ones out back in the trash that are just as good.")

Remember when I said Mom wasn't fucking around?  Well, she's not, because here she is ordering the guy at the nursery to load up her trailer with about 14 feet of bamboo:


And then, amazingly, she resumes her botanical shopping spree:


By the way, I don't know where this film is set, but it must be a pretty friendly place because the café still lets them eat there even though they brought the food in from the trash:


Also, the guy at the nursery still supports Tibet:


Isn't that quaint?  Here in New York people forgot all about Tibet shortly after Lollapalooza II.

Finally, Mom's ready to go:


I find it distressing that Mom has just spent something like $1,500 on plants while her husband and children are forced to forage in the trash to support her cripplingly expensive gardening habit.  I also find it amusing that there are probably about fifteen angry drivers stuck behind a slow-moving tree:


Finally, the film ends with the family reunited around the typewriter:


("Can you believe people actually used to write with these things?  What idiots!")

Shrewdly they're using it outside, since those first few clackety-clacks should result in plenty of fleeing mice and roaches.

Alas, while much of Brooklyn is indeed beginning to resemble this video, it still has a long way to go.  Plus, we've experienced a major setback, since all those people keeping chickens in the backyards of their brownstones are now discovering the eggs are filled with lead:


What a shock.  When it comes to smug cuisine, some things are just better left to the food co-op.

Lastly, via the Twitter comes this sweet Pinarello freestyling:



I could do most of those things but I choose not to.



dd

160 comments:

mikeweb said...

Videolicious!

theEel said...

weed!

Anonymous said...

turd

Anonymous said...

shucks

Name said...

Top ten at the end of the season.

Getting bette as gilbert

Will try Worlds next month

Anonymous said...

me

cycle

ken e. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jimboner said...

Nice Cactus!

ken e. said...

i have a love/hate relationship with the innernets...

McFly said...

Top whatever

Anonymous said...

TOOP ELVN

McFly said...

Good job Mikeweb. I was totally prepared for the Just Kidding GILF and still managed to Pearl my Izumi's a lil bit.

Cipo said...

eating pussy

leroy said...

I used to think WCRM was nice, but now I think he's just mean firing Recumbabe so Ann Romney can have a job.

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty unread! Looks long, though.

Buffalo Bill said...

I guess if buddy is gonna ride like that, the chainring tattoo goes with the territory.

McFly said...

I would load that mom up with 14 feet of bamboo. Plus tip, of course.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Pinardaredevil.

Anonymous said...

I bet Lauren has the harriest vag you have ever seen in your life.

hellbelly said...

"Shrewdly they're using it outside, since those first few clackety-clacks should result in plenty of fleeing mice and roaches." I nearly peed myself. Thanks for the yucks.

mikeweb said...

Funny, I watched the Pinarello freestyle-gasm viddy over on FaceSpace right before visiting Snobville and seeing it again. That part at the end when the 2 hotty mechanics slather WD-40 all over the down tube and crank was a pleasant surprise.

I'll be right back - going to buy some WD-40.

And then I saw this at the very end of 'Snob's' post:


I could do most of those things but I choose not to.



dd


So, we're supposed to believe that Snobby still writes these things every day when it's obvious that today's was written by none other than David Duchovny?

Comment deleted said...

Some of the following comments should not be read.

Anonymous said...

Those cookie are especially delicious.

They're made with CRACK!!!

dcee604 said...

Are they going to build bikes out of that bamboo?

Fred Nifacent said...

My Pinarello didn't come with two hotties to scrub it down after I do my impressive bike handling manuevers. Although I am not sure if avoiding a pot hole is impressive, unless you've ridden with me before. Based on the age of my bike, they would be ex-hotties...nevermind.

Anonymous said...

If Rodale ever gives you the hook, let us know. Then I can cancel my subscription.

There's no reason the read Bicycling since there are only so many ways to describe crabon bike riding frames, and you nailed it a few years ago before this blog started to suck.



balls™

leroy said...

My dog claims the Pinarello video looks like his commute to work.

I'm not buying it though.

He's not a working breed.

Anonymous said...

FREE SHIT

TYPE WRTR

PINA RELO

BIKE JUMP

BOOB BOOB

Anonymous said...

I see you're selling out just like that Fatcyclist guy.
It's about time.

Dooth said...

I'm jealous of the Red Hook philosophy professor quoted in the leaded chicken eggs article. He has an honest relationship with his livestock.

McFly said...

I was incredibly amazed by the SlingFin and was seriously considering it and then I saw their demo-bike had the rear skewer in the 6:00 p.m. orientation/persuasion/position and I completely lost inter.....e...s...t...

babble on said...

They may not make money, but pictures of naked ladies on recumbents make people happy...

and at least you can get away with posting them, wildcat. Unlike some of us, who get shut down by adsense for "adult content..."

Today I will pretend I am the honey badger, who just doesn't give a shit.

streepo said...

I'm send ing themm a check for $170,000 immediately!! Ability to pick your child's toys out of the trash: Priceless.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

SLIN GFIN

Grump said...

Two things.

1) In the real world, Dad's bike would have been gone when he left the shop, and Mom was probably having a torid fling with the "plant guy".

2) Road bike party....I've done a few of those things, and hurt myself badly doing them.
.
.

Plant Guy said...

She was a two-week freak.

Hungry Panda said...

Bringing dinner home for the kids, never can get enough of artist-anal bamboo.

Is there no depths to which kick-starter leeches drop to. Looks like a wussies day pack to me.

Honey Badger said...

I am not known to be a giver of fucks.

Anonymous said...

clysterium donare

leroy said...

My dog lost a sweet opportunity to be the spokescanine for the HoneyBadger.

The folks at SlingFin got nervous when he kept referring to it as the HoneyBucket.

The joke he kept repeating in a Yiddish accent didn't help either:

Gottlieb pulls up to the Miami Fontainbleu Hotel on his Surly Big Dummy and tells the concierge: "I vant three bellhops right avay." The concierge says "absolutely, Mr. Gottlieb, right away, sir."

Gottlieb says: "The first bellhop should carry mine luggage." The concierge replies: "Absolutely Mr. Gottlieb, right away sir."

Gottlieb then says: "The second bellhop should carry mine vife's luggage." Again, the concierge replies: "Absolutely, Mr. Gottlieb, right away sir."

Finally, Gottlieb says: "And the third bellhop should carry mine dog in this feinshmeker HoneyBadger tote thingy."

The concierge gasps: "Oh I'm so sorry Mr. Gottlieb. I didn't know the poor dog couldn't walk."

To which Gottlieb replies: "Oh he can valk. But thanks Got, he doesn't haf to."

mikeweb said...

Before that bag can be fully worthy of bearing the name 'Honey Badger', it needs to be able to chase a King Cobra up a tree and then bit off its head.

Anonymous said...

Ok that roadie freestyle shit was crazy.

Captain Hardbread said...

I see Pie Plates!

babble on said...

Honey badger... No indeed! In fact you are well known for not giving even the tiniest of fucks.

babble on said...

Mikeweb... exactly!

McFly said...

Some people call it a SlingFin, I calls it a KiserFin.

Eddie said...

That Xtracycle nonsense was filmed in Berkeley. Sadly, that is EXACTLY what Berkeley is like... I know first hand. They must have edited out the scene where they shop at REI for a couple hours, and then go down to the Marina Green to fly kites.

Anonymous said...

Damn Wildcat, jumping the shark is one thing but you may have landed in the Wal-Mart that's now a subsidiary of Specialized.

Eddie said...

That Xtracycle nonsense was filmed in Berkeley. Sadly, that is EXACTLY what Berkeley is like... I know first hand. They must have edited out the scene where they shop at REI for a couple hours, and then go down to the Marina Green to fly kites.

Anonymous said...

MOREXTRACYCLECACTUSMILFORIMAFUCKINKILLYA

mikeweb said...

As long it's got room fer my French fried pataters, I don't cares whatcha call it.

Anonymous said...

Eddie 2:29,

That is too funny, as a former Berkeley resident.

Thought it was formed in California, but didn't see it all the way through.

Think you forgot the excursion to Berkeley Bowl for organic goods.

Jed said...

Jeebus that was a funny fuckin' post. Tears running down my cheeks and into my Pho reading that xtracycle post. Wildcat scores bigtime! Pho is now too salty.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Danny Macaskill's cousin did some impressive stunts, but I'm pretty sure that he voided the Pinarello warranty. I now want to see Stanley Wiggins perform some stunts on his Sky team issue bike.

BTW, he may stunt ride like a mofo, but he stomps on the pedals when just riding normally. He needs to smooth out his pedal stroke to maximize efficiency. I recommend some time on the rollers.

LoRoK said...

The only thing that could've made that video better would have been, when the rider's face was revealed, we find that it was Cavendish the whole time!

Anonymous said...

@wannabemerycx,

true peddle stompage spaz. also, I call BS on the sandtrap backflip- must be some hard sand.

bk jimmy said...

The soundtrack to the free-road video is exactly what I had in mind for yesterday's inspirational poster: uplifting and bombastic with occasional clunking noises.

JB said...

That's no trailer, that's sidecar of smugness. Very different.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Snob got $75 [or $7,500 Canadian pesos] for a 2-bit bike blog! Par-tay! I'll bring the bamboo and pinwheels. Just let me finish banging out this comment on the Smith-Corona...

Anonymous said...

Two hot chicks and a water hose usually ends in sex, but no, it was for the Pinarello.

political operative said...

Last week a Mormon bike post. This week, Ann Romney. WCRM is endorsing the candidate promising a tax cut. But little does he know money will be inflated to Weimar Republic levels and rendered worthless.

Thundermug said...

Babe wishes granted.

Cut me some slack chief, I was climbing her but only to canyoneer.

Dougie Fresh said...

why do you insist on calling the sidecar a trailer?

bk jimmy said...

It's an integrated trailer.

JB said...

But it's not trailing.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Speaking of sidehacks I think the time is more than ripe for someone to fire up the kick starter and do a remake of the infamous 1969 hit "five the hard way". Instead of smelly and loud motorbikes lets get with the times and set up a fleet of those sweet sidehack equipped xtracycles. I'm sure a role can found for babble too.

SIDE HACK

Anonymous said...

Berkeley themed blog post: outdoorsy tech + domestic bliss

bk jimmy said...

JB said...

But it's not trailing.


Much the way a movie trailer doesn't come after the movie.

babble on said...

I like the sound of that. After all, little role playing never hurt anyone...

Anonymous said...

Adding Canada to almost anything makes it funnier. Keep on fighting the good fight for the biking community. I just got a great deal On bike storage 2 weeks ago at Park Circle Storage; safe, clean, convenient and I don't have to worry about lugging my bike up the stairs anymore. The attendant gave me a deal so I am doing a solid and plugging the place check them out at parkcirclestorage.com

Anonymous said...

congrats on selling out. Under the thumb of the goose-stepping Mormons at Rodale it will only be only a matter of time until your blog starts taking on a happier, less threatening and more inclusive vibe. Think of the acerbic conan o'brien morphing into a lovable and cuddly jimmy fallon. You sicken me Mildcat.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that Cycling World advert is "Double Bretted".

db said...

And if Romney had Kickstarter?

babble on said...

Yeah, Canada is pretty funny. Not sure if I like the Canadian take on recumbabe, though. I prefer her au natural...

Anonymous said...

That's not a trailer, that's a sidecar. Sidecars are fucking shite.

Disadvantages of a car and the disadvantages of a bike combined; you get wet and you can't hack through traffic.

....and the front mount breaks and you crash it with your girlfriend in the sidecar..... (it was a long time ago, ok?)

Fucking stupid idea.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Hey dorks. Helments off inside! That is all

wishiwasmerckx said...

With $75.00, you can afford to open up a fine box of wine and celebrate with the missus in style!

McFly said...

How does one go about selling a Blog? Did you throw in the Brooklyn Bridge? Can I still say pussy word?

2wheeler said...

So the SlingFin is "easily converted to paneer"

While I'm no linguist, isn't that cheese?

JB said...

bk jimmy: they are called trailers because they were originally shown at the end of the movie, but that didn't force anyone to watch them. C'mon, there's no way that thing is a trailer.

Anonymous said...

I see a huge future in Roman Gladiator Style Extracycle Sidecar No-Holds-Barred Alley Cat Racing. Of course at least two gullible assholes will have to actually buy one of those fucking milktrucks.
So it will probably never happen.

Anonymous said...

Lauren aka Sky was so wet.

babble on said...

PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY

hang on...
wait for it...

Uhhhhhh, yup. Still here. The Google Gods haven't struck me down where I sit. Least not yet...

Looks like yer safe, McFly.

McFly said...

It's probabbley for the best. I need to clean up my act anyway.

"Hi, my name is McFly. I am a sexaholic. I have been sober for........18 seconds."

I'm your density.

Stay away Babble On. You are what they call "An Enabler".

ce said...

Pinwheels of Unknown Provenance

babble on said...

It's true. Nothing but trouble. Be afraid.

I don't want to clean up my act, either - nor am I sorry. That would be the very opposite of cuntipotence!

Cheers for the chuckles today, snobbikins et al. That was fun,
:D

Anonymous said...

Wish I could destroy a bike, then have some hot girls lube my down tube! Mad Skils, but skids are for kids....

an Captaen

Anonymous said...

(Google "Left some" - the autofill is fucking WTF?)

Anyways...

Always add "fucking" to add some laughs to your writing.

"Nice 'fucking' cactus".

"...suddenly makes straight for the 'fucking' trash".

"...he 'fucking' presents his delighted child with a 'fucking' pinwheel".

"And clearly she's not fucking around."
Ok. You got that one. Good job.

"I don't know what she's baking, but it looks fucking delicious".
Ok. You got that one too. Good job. Maybe you got this.

Remember, after writing comedy you want to be able to say, "I fucking left it all fucking out there today. I got nothing more. I am so done, so fucking done." Comedy is like the fucking Tour de France, man. Know it.

Anonymous said...

Soundtrack for the gayass Pinarello trials video is...

Sometimes by Sound of Guns.

You're welcome, sodomites.

Anonymous said...

Someone needs to photochop that young lady's eyebrow back to what nature intended before she waxed it in two.

As the long lost BGW would write...just sayin'.

ken e. said...

you say potatoe, i say i like how the honey badger saunters. my kind of gal.

FERO COUX
DOPE CINE
SIDE DUMB

Anonymous said...

Do this...

Watch the Xtracycle video while listening to the soundtrack from the Pinarello video.

WOOHOO. A Sunday in Berkley has never been sooo rad!

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Liz said...

Would like to know what his tires were. W-D 40 has a shellac base. I w
ouldn't put it on any of my bikes. Other than that, cool video.

Anonymous said...

Specialized Street Maulers

T from Bris Vegas said...

Who'd have thought we'd get to the stage where dudes on road bikes would be doing back flips out of bunkers..

Bradley Wiggins said...

Sod it! First someone nicked me bloody trousers while I was pissed in the shower! Now some cunt trashed my bike and got it all greasy-like with some kind of shite!

Deke Keener said...

Apparently WD-40 makes your bike badass...

Anonymous said...

Mom in the plant store was hot, until she broke out the sidecar. Sidecars are NOT sexy.

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STG said...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/bik/3341968771.html

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