Meanwhile, the sporting world continues to demand a confession from Lance Armstrong--but now they're playing the "hard ball" by threatening his Olympic bronze:
Nooo!!! Not the bronze! Somehow I don't think this is going to do it. "Sure, you can have all seven of my Tour de France wins, but please, please, PLEASE, not my second loser prize!" That would be like withstanding a solid week of interrogation with a car battery attached to your scranus and then finally confessing when they threaten to put a Band-Aid on your arm hair and pull it off slowly.
Also, in Portland adjacent, protesters are calling for Nike to drop Lance Armstrong as a spokesman:*
Right, sure. The only way Nike will drop you as a spokesman is if you kill a bunch of dogs, and then they'll only do it temporarily. Maybe if someone exposed Lance Armstrong as the head of a Texas cockfighting ring they'd let him go for a couple months, but other than that I don't see it happening. Really, expecting integrity from Nike makes expecting integrity from the sport of professional cycling seem sensible in comparison. Then again, Nike have made some important contributions over the years, such as:
--Paying Spike Lee and Michael Jordan to market the "Air Jordan," the first sneaker that could get a teenager shot in the face;
--Employing thousands of young children all over the world;
--Pioneering various innovative corporate motivational techniques and incentive programs:
Now this is how you make a quality product:
Workers at the Sukabumi plant, about 60 miles from Jakarta, say supervisors frequently throw shoes at them, slap them in the face, kick them and call them dogs and pigs.
Who the hell is the supervisor at that factory, El Guapo from "The Three Amigos?" I don't know about you, but it puts a real spring in my step knowing that my sneaker might have been used to whack someone in the face. Of course, to Westerners it may sound like these factory workers are complaining, but the truth is they're actually happy, since things are a lot worse down the street at the clothes iron factory. (You certainly don't want to get clocked with one of those.) Also, the highlight of any Nike factory worker's year is when the company flies their celebrity athletes to the factory and allow them to beat the workers personally. (In the shoe industry, this is called the "Nike Holiday Bonus.") Nothing gives you pride in your work like taking a golf cleat to the face from Tiger Woods.
But yeah, they really need to stop sponsoring the naughty bike racer.
*Well holee crap, I was wrong on that one! That'll teach me to post early.
Speaking of competition and ruthlessness, you might recall I was running a cockpit contest, because I certainly don't. I do realize I've been somewhat organic ("organic" means "lazy") in "curating" this contest, but do I feel a winner coming on soon (either that or I need to go to the bathroom), and one contender who has made his way to the front of the pack is esteemed commenter "Daddo One:"
I'd criticize him for not getting closer to the specimen, but I can't because: a) I'm a worse photographer than he'll ever be; and 2) I'd be scared of that thing too.
Also, while not technically a cockpit contest submission, another reader has forwarded me this:
I'm fairly certain that fairing isn't UCI legal.
Oh, hey, remember when I was talking about getting nailed in the face with a shoe? Well, would you rather take a shot from one with a clit or one without a clit?
(Via another reader.)
Bike for sale - $140 (Gunbarrel)
Date: 2012-10-16, 5:13PM MDT
I'm selling a used bike in good conditions. No suspension. Has a small rack in the back. 140$
I'm also selling 2 pair of bike shoes for women(clits are not included).
One pair is brand new, never have been used, Goretek (size 6 US). Price 90$
The other pair are also Shimano, have been used 4 times. perfect conditions (size 6.5 US). Price 90$
If you're interested in any of these items send me an email or text/call me 720-442-[deleted]
Also, you know who has trouble operating a clit? Triathletes. That's why they need to wear special shoes like this, as forwarded by yet another reader:
$400 buys you a tridork flipper with some kind of special retractable heel retainer:
Raise high the drawbridge, tridorks! It's time to transition! After all, you don't want this happening to you:
Obviously if he'd had shoes with a special heel drawbridge he would have "breezed through that transition" and this never would have happened:
At least he was wearing his helment--though he really should have been wearing sneakers and using flat pedals.