Wednesday, October 17, 2012

It's Wednesday. Go Ahead and Take the Day Off, Tell Whoever I Said It Was OK.

Last yesterday night I half-paid semi-attention to the Presidential debate.  As usual, both candidates totally sidestepped the issues that are most important to the American people, and incredibly neither one made a single mention of the USADA's reasoned decision.  Instead it was all oil and taxes and jobs and blahblahblah.  Sure, their brief exchange on the relative merits of SRAM, Campagnolo, and Shimano was a welcome detour into relevance, but other than that it was all just a giant smokescreen.

Meanwhile, the sporting world continues to demand a confession from Lance Armstrong--but now they're playing the "hard ball" by threatening his Olympic bronze:


Nooo!!!  Not the bronze!  Somehow I don't think this is going to do it.  "Sure, you can have all seven of my Tour de France wins, but please, please, PLEASE, not my second loser prize!"  That would be like withstanding a solid week of interrogation with a car battery attached to your scranus and then finally confessing when they threaten to put a Band-Aid on your arm hair and pull it off slowly.

Also, in Portland adjacent, protesters are calling for Nike to drop Lance Armstrong as a spokesman:*


Right, sure.  The only way Nike will drop you as a spokesman is if you kill a bunch of dogs, and then they'll only do it temporarily.  Maybe if someone exposed Lance Armstrong as the head of a Texas cockfighting ring they'd let him go for a couple months, but other than that I don't see it happening.  Really, expecting integrity from Nike makes expecting integrity from the sport of professional cycling seem sensible in comparison.  Then again, Nike have made some important contributions over the years, such as:

--Paying Spike Lee and Michael Jordan to market the "Air Jordan," the first sneaker that could get a teenager shot in the face;
--Employing thousands of young children all over the world;
--Pioneering various innovative corporate motivational techniques and incentive programs:


Now this is how you make a quality product:

Workers at the Sukabumi plant, about 60 miles from Jakarta, say supervisors frequently throw shoes at them, slap them in the face, kick them and call them dogs and pigs.

Who the hell is the supervisor at that factory, El Guapo from "The Three Amigos?"  I don't know about you, but it puts a real spring in my step knowing that my sneaker might have been used to whack someone in the face.  Of course, to Westerners it may sound like these factory workers are complaining, but the truth is they're actually happy, since things are a lot worse down the street at the clothes iron factory.  (You certainly don't want to get clocked with one of those.)  Also, the highlight of any Nike factory worker's year is when the company flies their celebrity athletes to the factory and allow them to beat the workers personally.  (In the shoe industry, this is called the "Nike Holiday Bonus.")  Nothing gives you pride in your work like taking a golf cleat to the face from Tiger Woods.

But yeah, they really need to stop sponsoring the naughty bike racer.

*Well holee crap, I was wrong on that one!  That'll teach me to post early.

Speaking of competition and ruthlessness, you might recall I was running a cockpit contest, because I certainly don't.  I do realize I've been somewhat organic ("organic" means "lazy") in "curating" this contest, but do I feel a winner coming on soon (either that or I need to go to the bathroom), and one contender who has made his way to the front of the pack is esteemed commenter "Daddo One:"


I'd criticize him for not getting closer to the specimen, but I can't because: a) I'm a worse photographer than he'll ever be; and 2) I'd be scared of that thing too.

Also, while not technically a cockpit contest submission, another reader has forwarded me this:


I'm fairly certain that fairing isn't UCI legal.

Oh, hey, remember when I was talking about getting nailed in the face with a shoe?  Well, would you rather take a shot from one with a clit or one without a clit?

(Via another reader.)


Bike for sale - $140 (Gunbarrel)
Date: 2012-10-16, 5:13PM MDT

I'm selling a used bike in good conditions. No suspension. Has a small rack in the back. 140$

I'm also selling 2 pair of bike shoes for women(clits are not included).
One pair is brand new, never have been used, Goretek (size 6 US). Price 90$
The other pair are also Shimano, have been used 4 times. perfect conditions (size 6.5 US). Price 90$
If you're interested in any of these items send me an email or text/call me 720-442-[deleted]
Thanks!
Maria

Also, you know who has trouble operating a clit?  Triathletes.  That's why they need to wear special shoes like this, as forwarded by yet another reader:


$400 buys you a tridork flipper with some kind of special retractable heel retainer:

Raise high the drawbridge, tridorks!  It's time to transition!  After all, you don't want this happening to you:


Obviously if he'd had shoes with a special heel drawbridge he would have "breezed through that transition" and this never would have happened:



At least he was wearing his helment--though he really should have been wearing sneakers and using flat pedals.

116 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice. Sorry, meant - niiiiicccceee.

Eurodude said...

Wouah... european-time post!

JB said...

Yawn. What's going on?

Anonymous said...

Who cares?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good Morning!

Anonymous said...

By the way, I've got a small rack in the back as well. And scranus always makes me giggle.

Anonymous said...

Shoulda held off and read the news re Nike, there Snob.

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN
ERLY BIRD

africa single said...

An African on trhe podium. At last?

Anonymous said...

Lance was only trying out the EPO before injecting his gamecocks. Safety first.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That tridork bit never gets old. Kinda like the recumbabe.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 9:33am,

I get up early ONE TIME to go to the dentist and look what happens!

--Wildcat Douche Machine

BrainDonor said...

http://velonews.competitor.com/2012/10/news/nike-ends-relationship-with-armstrong-continues-livestrong-collaboration_261699

Buffalo Bill said...

What's in your binder?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wildcat you need that shark bike. It would go great with your chicken suit.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Where the hell is everybody? Bunch of lazy slackers.

Anonymous said...

I don't really get how internet ads work, but it's pretty danged ironic that a Nike banner ad appeared next to this article. Well done.

Anonymous said...

Early post top 20 weed.

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

It seems that the triathlon approach to having transitions count towards your overall time encourages all sorts of hazardous stupidity.

Blog Drafter said...

I think this post will be enshrined forever in Slacker history.

Cipo said...

My debut recording masterpiece 'To all the podium girls I've power banged before' will be available in early December.

Nine year old Chnese prison laborer said...

Please do not hate the Nike. I need job to support my wife and fourteen children.

McFly said...

Are they hiring at the breast implant factory in Sukabumi?

McFly said...

Are you going to trade out bike maintenance labor at the dentist on his/her Serotta in lieu of money?

J said...

Vick should still be in prison.

babble on said...

It's ok to sell clitless shoes to women, cause most of us have our own.

Anonymous said...

Maybe that says "STUNT" on the ground in yellow chalk and he was like all HELLLLLLLLLLLL YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anonymous said...

I have yet to see a "fred" that was not wearing a helmet. I have yet to see a "Bicycling Magazine" cover without a "fred" wearing helmet on the cover. I suspect helmets are big business.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Whats this Texas cockring fight club thing you're talking about?

RB1 said...

Obama rides Super Record ...

Captain Hardbread said...

doping for the day

wishiwasmerckx said...

Congratulations, Snobbie. Your scathing commentary was apparently the last straw in shaming Nike into disassociating w/ Mr. Armstrong.

El Guapo said...

would you say you had a plethora of pinatas?

wishiwasmerckx said...

I have Jimmy Buffett tickets later this month, and I NEED to borrow that shark bike...

Anonymous said...

now that i got fired from my high paying job (slaps to the face with clits is the best pay) at nike, i can post in the top 50. i would have made podium but they took my sweatshop issued rickshaw and called me lance. no amount of clits could cure that pain.

Anonymous said...

"head of a Texas cockfighting ring"

Cipo said...

eating pussy

Spence said...

Illuminati!

El Guapo said...

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCC_i_PyEog

Go to second 52

Jimboner said...

I like my binder full of clits.

Comment deleted said...

Ever since finding connubial bliss with Vito, Commie Canuck has gone missing.

I miss the bastard.

Anonymous said...

comes with curved fork:
http://sacramento.craigslist.org/bik/3342847642.html

wle said...

cardboard bicycles are the new "one weird trick"

Anonymous said...

What are the relative merits of SRAM, Campagnolo, and Shimano? I missed that part of the debate.

Anonymous said...

I've been biking forever, lately converting everything to platform pedals, but I just completed a short ("sprint") triathlon, and...

Getting out of the pool, changing, and onto a bike was weirdly difficult. Going from exercising horizontally to trying to move efficiently vertically left me a little woozy and balance challenged. So lighten up on the crashing tri-athletes, especially at the start. (but the special equipment that users don't know how to operate?? Keep it up! Plastic BMX pedals are the best!)

Anonymous said...

Which of them will bring back Suntour?

Anonymous said...

@RB1 11:41 If Obama likes Super Record then Romney is a total Dura Ace DI2 on a hybrid with front suspension kinda guy.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob. Check out Forbe's 10 Money wasters slideshow. Bret's picture represents unused exercise equipment. Wannabe "Lance" watches a few minutes of the Tour, buys a bicycling magazine and slobbers over the pretty pictures, goes out to the bike shop where, instead of stearing "Tele Tubby" to the comfort bike section, sells him a $3,000.00 road bike and kit (to include a helmet), rides once, gets sore, hangs said bike in grarage and never rides it again. The couch and TV win again.

Anonymous said...

on the guise of "cleaning up the sport" the USADA goes out hard against Lance Armstrong. The guy has been our of racing for nearly 7 years excluding his comeback. Is this really cleaning up the sport rather than going after current riders who are still cheating? the only thing they succeeded in doing was disgracing armstrong (maybe he deserves it) and probably permanently derailing livestong. there goes a half a billion of money raised for cancer victims and research. Well played Mr. Tygart, you are now even more reviled than Armstrong. But at least he has about $150MM to make him feel better.

Hairy-Legged Roadie said...

Love it. Cancer Jesus' world is falling apart around him, but the real news is how shitty Nike is. Got it.

Anonymous said...

Cockfighting? I thought Tuesday was Masterbation Day.

leroy said...

Wait, you mean blogging comes with dental?

Oh I am so changing jobs.

ringcycles said...

Anon 1:37. USADA's missions and Mr. Tygarts job is not to clean up cycling. It is to investigate cases of doping in all olympic sports. Lance was still competing in triathlons as of this year. So the case is relevant. BTW, what part of his comeback in 2009 & 2010 did not involve UCI racing? No it's the UCI's job to clean up cycling, one that they have deliberately failed. Just because Pat McQuaid won't do his job, how does that mean that Travis Tygart shouldn't do his?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Univerity of Maryland's Human Powered Helicopter

Check out the pilots seating position in the craft.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 1:28, excellent post that stopped short of the denouement.

1 1/2 or 2 years later, said bike winds up on craigslist at half of the purchase price for those who don't mind a "slightly" used racing bike.

ringcycles said...

Anon 1:48; What about "Texas Cockfighting Ring" don't you understand? Oh, well, if I have to explain it you, then...never mind.

Snacks said...

Romney and Obummer should be tested. I think they were doping last night.

Anonymous said...

USADA. Sequestration. Real Soon Now.

Anonymous said...

cardboard
20 lbs
$20
20 miles
wle

brother yam said...

So, Velcro is challenging to the run-of-the-mill tridork?

Wow.

I suppose that they need to eat with their hands too, since they probably end up sticking spoons in their eyes.

Anonymous said...

"bike companies hate this man!"

"one weird trick bike you won't want to share!"

"Anytown USA cardboard bike man is 50, looks 20!"

"cardboard bike raises testosterone in US man!"

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:28 - don't knock my retirement business model.
1. Buy pristine never ridden garage kept bike from idiot for pennies on the dollar.
2. Resell.
3. Laugh all the way to the bank.

cycle

Anonymous said...

Lance sez, "gee, being a regular schlep sure sucks."

Anonymous said...

My coworkers keep telling me about this article about a cardboard bicycle.

I dunno, the seat looks really uncomfortable.

babble on said...

Anon@1:48 -

every day is masturbation day. It's as important to your day as brushing your teeth, and it's best performed before breakfast... THEN comes the vodka and Red Bull, and AFTER THAT, anything goes...

Raccoon Wedding said...

If they strip LA of 7 TDF victories (+ a Bronze nugget) and cannot find a competitor clean enough to hand them down to, then he is still a champion in a field of dopers.
Who really gives a shite?
Time to turn off your computer and go for a ride on your own Fred-cycle....

I am a Nike free engine said...

Lewis black hit it out of the park last night on the daily show about lance and ass fuckers.

Screw Nike,s self righteous shit made by Indonesian kids.

grog said...

Yes leroy. Blogger work includes veterinary too for best health of dogs and helper monkeys.

Recumbabe is in my binders. All of them.

JB said...

P.S. Please buy a U-Lock

P. Bateman said...

i do feel slightly cheated by lance. i mean, he was so thorough in his defense that i believed him. what a bum. that is to say, he is a bum in the american sense, not the english bum as buttocks sort.

for example: that guy told me he had some Wed. weed and the $20 he owes me, but instead he showed up to tell me he's been secretly banging my girlfriend on tuesdays and thursdays and that he used the $20 to buy a specialty lubricant that is engineered for Ultegra Di2 and for anal sex. What a bum.

i am a vick free engine said...

http://on.cc.com/XoZQA5

I forgot about butt chugging

JB said...

Re: cardboard bike: "Congratualations. How wonderful."

Every year, civil engineering students build canoes out of concrete and race them. It teaches them things about engineering, production, etc. Changing the canoeing world? Not so much.

Anonymous said...

Hey Nike! Look, it's AMERICATHON!!!

babble on said...

oh dear. It's serious now. Lance has lost his Anheuser-Busch beer sponsorship, too.

Anonymous said...

and candy ass forgot to include the question for obummer "what kind of pizza do you like?"

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Wild Ass Schlock Magpie:

Thanks for the Cockie consideration.

To prove that I am indeed a better "photog" than you, I once again hunted down my prey, reached into my chrome bag of courage, and got up close to take another shot.

It's in your in box now.

Anonymous said...

JB,

For this crowd, cardboard bikes and other design flotsam qualify as "goodies."

JB said...

ESCDO: Sorry, deadline is in the past; moose out front should've told you.

Vegas said...

That guy totally jumped the shark with that cocky non-submission. Wait, wut do u mean I used that phrase wrong?

JB said...

ESCDO: Just kidding. I guess the "cockpit" photo I sent WCRMBSNYC of my bulging underoos isn't going to even make honorable mention.

mikeweb said...

Sorry I'm late everyone. Couldn't get my clit into the pedals.

Vegas said...

Oh, and MildCat CrockMachine I loved your pre-nike press release rant, complete with "holee crap" edit. Awesome. I was kindof hoping for you to attribute it to the lone Portland-adjacent protester, though.

Anonymous said...

You need to start using a name for this. The "Festina Affair" which was supposedly the worst ever seems like an afternoon quickie at an hourly rate motel by comparison.

Armstrocalypse
Armstrongocalypse?
The LA ClusterF*&^?

Anonymous said...

I sent Nike an email yesterday.
Told them they can suck my balls.
Threw down a total Nike boycott until they bounced that one-nutted sociopath.
They obviously took me seriously.
But fuck them, I'm buying Vans from now on, anyway.
A little punitive ball sucking would do Nike a world of good.

Anonymous said...

"The Texas Train Wreck"

Anonymous said...

The shark bike was photographed in Fresno, CA in front of a used everything store, Yoshi Now!

Anonymous said...

MORE!





BEE!



ATTACK!




VIDEOS!

Anonymous said...

Omerta Über Alles!

Anonymous said...

Trek...boom!

Giro...boom!

More brands that I never bought because they were associated with Mr. Armstrong.

I still will not buy them.

McFly said...

Clitless is out there. I touched one. First hand. She politely said "that's not really doing anything for me." ghost bean. She said you got to go up in there. I went up in there. And it was good.

Grump said...

Only a tridork or a noob would stick their arm out like that, while crashing.
.
.
.
As you mentioned, if Armstrong had only decided to get into dog fighting instead of doping, he'd be Home Free.
.
.

Anonymous said...

This increases my serenity.

Cat 6 Champion said...

I need to score some epo. Apparently my sources T. Hamilton and F. Landis are presently in the witness protection program. Rumor has it that they are knuckle tatted hipsters living under assumed identities some around Williamsdouche'burg.

I am also looking to score some testosterone suppositories. The extra large ones.

decora said...

Dude.. Trek has dropped Armstrong.

This is like, the end of America or something. It's like if Schwinn and Cannondale both got bought by some Canadian conglomerate or .....

oh wait.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Dusty Bottoms.

Anonymous said...

Defeat of the Spanish Armada.

annonymoose said...

As long as The Armstrong was not racing in 19 and 89, I'm good with my flea market Trek bikeen cycle.

Poppa Wheelie said...

Without Lance as champion, cycling is now ruined. I'll never ride again.

YEAH RIGHT!

HAAAAA
HAAAAA
HAAAAA!

Anonymous said...

Oh shit, let's make it 100!

mikeweb said...

Star Trek: Deep six 7. Nike: Just Dope it. Lance owes so many people apologies. Especially his binder full of women who he labled "prostitutes", "alcoholics", "vindictive", etc. etc. for simply refusing to lie for him. Wonder if he likes what he sees staring back at him when he looks in the mirror.

Anonymous said...

More ironic bike related Kickstarter shenanigans or I'm going to kill you.

Anonymous said...

I just checked out Kickstarter. Never mind.

Anonymous said...

I seen what can be done clean on a gibbon day, and it is pretty close to what dirty do, but not good enough to podio much. let alone stage races, where dirty is the only whey up.

DRTY FUKS

Salty and Sore said...

There's nothing wrong with Lance, or the other bike-riding douchebags like him that I'm drawn to.

Except that he has a tendency to like women with tiny asses. I mean, phFFFuh.. What's up with that?

Now Mario. There's a real cyclist.
Dope or not, he's still the Lion King.

And that can never be taken away...

Salty and Sore said...

@babbles 11:30-

Well, sure. But if you had a chance for two...

Granted. I'd hold out for the SRAM or Campy clits. None of that Walmart crap. Could you imagine if you get it installed, and then it doesn't even work right? Sad. And even more confusing for the mechanic in your life.

Anonymous said...

Bees attack Victor Mature!

Anonymous said...

QUESTION:
Are all big-booty girls sex machines or are they sex machines simply as a result of having big-booties? Does their thick man-magnet make them genetically predisposed to get it on more or do they realize there is no stopping the eventual poundfest and just give in?

The 'ol chicken or the egg. In a manner of speaking.

Also, the big titty quoteint should be calculated in somehow.

Whoever said...

You have some 'splainin to do mister.

Anonymous said...

BIGB UTTS

DRVE NUTS

MONY MAKR

Anonymous said...

CANT LIIE
OTHR BTHA
CANT DENY
GURL WLKN
ITTY BTTY
WAST ROND
THNG INYR
FACE YUGT
SPUR UNGG

JB said...

It'll be interesting when Lance starts getting beat in triathalons by pudgy dental assistants who fell both getting on and off the bike.

McFly said...

I just noticed in the tri-crash that the participant has his finger on the front brake, where 3/4 of the stopping power is.

JB said...

Tri-crash guy was this close to hitting the front brake and 180-ing out of it. He's now looking to upgrade to hydraulic disks.

Liz Hernandez said...

now that i got fired from my high paying job (slaps to the face with clits is the best pay) at nike, i can post in the top 50. i would have made podium but they took my sweatshop issued rickshaw and called me lance. no amount of clits could cure that pain.

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