Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Encounters in the Bike Lane

Remember that race walker who got caught taking the EPO?  Yes?  No?  Don't care?  Well, either way, he's now apologizing (probably in hopes that he'll walk on the criminal charges):

"I made a huge error," Alex Schwazer says. "And I can only repeat, I'm sorry."

At a news conference in Bolzano in northern Italy, Schwazer wept and at one point buried his face in his hands. His manager and a lawyer participated in the news conference.

After this moving apology for getting caught engaging in the humiliating act of race walking in the first place, he then went on to address the actual doping:

"I couldn't say no to this decision to do doping for the 2012 Olympics," he said.

He denied getting the performance-enforcer from Michele Ferrari, the Italian doctor who in 2002 was banned by the Italian Cycling

Presumably, after being banned from professional cycling, Michele Ferrari moved on to the only sport that's even dorkier, which is race walking.  Unfortunately though it looks like the authorities are on to him, which means from here he'll probably move on to dog shows.  (I'm not sure how you dope at a dog show, but it probably involves giving Dachshunds Viagra to make them appear longer and harder.)

By the way, race walking may look utterly ridiculous to the uninitiated, but to competitors like Schwazer it's a sport full of beauty and grace:

"The race walk was making me nauseous," he said. 

If it's any consolation, the race walk makes the rest of us nauseous too.

Alas, stories like these can make you lose faith in the integrity of sport, but for every doofus who's putting a glide in his stride and a dip in his hip by artificial means there's an inspiring tale which rekindles your love of humanity.  Consider this man, who has ridden from China to London to see the Olympics:


A ride this "epic" makes those Rapha gentlemen's races look like a bunch of foppish gnats buzzing around a fruit stand, and as they grimace in contrived black and white this guy just smiles beatifically:


So how does he feel after riding for two years and through sixteen countries just to see the Olympics?


So instead he spends most of his time entertaining the ladies of London in his lavishly-appointed human-powered bachelor's pad:


("If this rickshaw's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.")

Yes, he's made quite a name for himself in London, and in addition to putting enough notches in his bedpost to make Mario Cipollini blush, he's also gotten to party with many celebrities--including Tour de France winner and Olympic gold medalist Bradley Wiggins:


Actually, that's not Bradley Wiggins.  That is in fact notorious London huckster and master of disguise "Jimmy the Shapeshifter," who over the years has duped hapless tourists into thinking he's everybody from Winston Churchill to Russell Brand:


(Dame Judi Dench?  Look again--that's actually Jimmy!)

I know this because last time I was in London he convinced me he was the Queen and I gave him fifty bucks for what turned out to be a false knighthood.

Anyway, from London, Chen Guan Ming is off to Portland, OR, where he'll simply ride up alongside local cyclists and laugh at them:


For any Portlanders who don't speak Mandarin, chances are what he's saying is, "Ooh, you sell soup from a bike.  Well I rode 37,000 miles just to watch beach volleyball."  Ultimately though he'll probably stay there and open a shop, and before you know it rickshaws will be the new cargo bike.

Meanwhile, in other Olympic news, Slate is answering questions nobody is asking:


What are those solid-looking wheels track cyclists use? Why don’t all cyclists use them?

Um, what do you mean, "Why don't all cyclists use them?"  Of course they do!  Disc wheels are perfect for casual riding:


Especially when you get them for free:

Notes:

I build this bike almost entirely for free. Wheels free, Frame free, Cranks Free...only paid for the seat post, stem, bars, and grips. BOOSH!!

"Boosh?"  Isn't that French for "mouth?"  While it's tempting to conclude statements you've made on the Internet with doucheclamation points such as "BOOM!" or "BOOSH!," it's generally gratuitous, since readers can almost always tell what you've written is fatuous or inane even without them.

Anyway, while people have been riding slowly around the city on disc wheels for years now, last night I discovered that the new fashion trend in urban cycling is the sequined cape:


By the way, before you jump to any conclusions, what you're mistaking for a Really Shitty Photograph is actually Art. BOOSH!!!

Speaking of doucheclamation points, a Harvard windshield decal comes across as a doucheclamation point after a driver overtakes you and then cuts you off in the bike lane:


Though that's nothing compared to getting hit by a driver on a protected bike path, as a reader spotted on the bikeway approach to the 59th Street/Queensboro/Ed Koch/Etc. bridge in Queens this morning:


In a sane world a person who drives onto a bikeway and hits a cyclist would be arrested, but I'm sure in this case the only thing the cop gave him was directions.  

And yesterday, another reader was actually hit from behind when a driver decided he'd rather use the bike lane than wait in traffic.  Here is the aftermath:


Fortunately a police officer arrived on the scene and meted out quick justice by telling the victim that there would be no investigation because he wasn't killed, and that he would not be ticketing the driver because he didn't actually witness the incident.  Instead, after nearly murdering somebody, the driver and his voluminous man-breasts were simply sent on their way.

By the way, presumably the police officer was joking when he said there would be no investigation because the cyclist wasn't killed, because we all know that even if he had been killed there would be no investigation either.

Anyway, as you ply the bike lanes of New York, keep any eye out for "Tits" McGee, his accomplice Officer Pants Yabbies, and the Blue Delivery Van of Death (actually, all delivery vans are vans of death):


Also watch out for Scandinavians in Ray Bans:



Date: 2012-08-09, 11:33AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

You: Slicked back scandinavian with the ray bans, a dandyish black bike and a seriously insufficient sense of safety
Me: Girl you crashed the fuck into 

Get at me. Let's hit up the ATM. We can do this the hard way, or the easy way. 

You broke my finger and my bike a little THE FUCK. I HATE YOU! DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE WITH YOUR BIKE. 


I wonder what happens when the police arrive on the scene of a bike-on-bike collision.  On one hand, they must want to ignore the victim, but on the other hand they must want to punish the scofflaw cyclist brutally and out of all proportion to his crime.  They must experience a mental grinding of gears akin to shifting a car without using a clutch, followed by complete cognitive breakdown.  

Or, more likely, they just ticket both cyclists.  Because that would make a lot more sense.

90 comments:

theEel said...

WEED!

theEel said...

weed out.

theEel said...

weed x3.

Anonymous said...

yo adrian

cycle

Anonymous said...

Cunts but no podium!!!

rocky said...

Daggert

Anonymous said...

Top 10

Kenny Banya said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

Top Ten. Herbal remedy.

RANTWICK said...

"Ooh, you sell soup from a bike. Well I rode 37,000 miles just to watch beach volleyball."

So good. Just so good.

All The Black People In Portland said...

Ray Bans?

Wasn't me, occifer, these are Oakley Eyeshades!

Friendo said...

Top Ten?

theEel is a pode Ho

RANTWICK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rollie said...

He'll "walk" on the criminal charges! oh-HO, that's rich!

Anonymous said...

the megapode has been catched! (and ticketed for salmoning)

MIKE VOID said...

Rickshaws are old news in PDX, you can see parents chauffeuring bored kids around my neighborhood anytime the sun is shining.

mikeweb said...

One question:

Tits McGee I know, but who is this Rick Shaw character?

Sylvia Collectiv said...

yo!

RANTWICK said...

What is happening to the level of competition on the "comment race" thing people do here? I read the whole post and managed 10th place... that sucks. I wanna see 16 anon comments drop in the first 16 seconds comments are open! When I podium, I want it to MEAN something to me and my country, the USA's awesome rainbow wig!

Anonymous said...

I used to drive delivery vans and managed to avoid killing anyone. Didn't even maim them a bit.

hey nonny mouse

leroy said...

My dog tells me doping is rampant on the dog show circuit and involves Alice B. Toklas Alpo.

From my observation, doping is rampant among canine viewers of the National Dog Show televised each year after the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and involves beer and Cheetos.

I've given up telling my dog and his buddies to keep their orange paws off the couch.

g-roc said...

Assuming there was no damage to the car, which would result in criminal charges against the cyclist,I believe the cyclist could have still been charged with inconveniencing the motorist by causing him to miss the breakfast special at Denny's. Lock 'im up!

africansingle said...

"I couldn't say no to this decision to do doping for the 2012 Olympics," Couldn't he have found a better scriptwriter?
Next to do doping are the dog and pony shows.

mikeweb said...

The Daily News is doing their best today to prove that they can be just as biased and brain-dead as the NY Post.

byrne said...

i need to improve my commute times. where can i score some EPO in portlandia?

singlespeedwaster said...

Damn - cars in bike lane impede my progress to the podium once again.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob,

"After this moving apology for getting caught engaging in the humiliating act of race walking in the first place, he then went on to address the actual doping:"

Word of the day brought to you by the sentence above;

Lancinating.

Boosh!

ritte_carbon_from_china said...

Snobby the bitter blogger,

It's time for the last sucker who distributed the Unidisc to reintroduce it with a dutch sounding name like idioot met schijf and charge 10x the old price.

It worked for Ritte Van Hoydonck.

Anonymous said...

I was hoping for a "laterally stiff yet vertically compliant" spin on the daschund-doping joke.
Disappoint.

leroy said...

I narrowly escaped a bike on bike collision last night when I was power-shoaled at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge.

I was waiting for the light in order to cross the Bridge traffic lane and head right in the separated bike lane on Tillary Street. When the light changed, I started to cross only to be buzzed from behind and on the right by a clueless commuter heading straight across Tillary and on to Adams Street.

He opined loudly that "it would be nish to look." (Note to self: people who lisp really do sound like Sylvester the Cat when they attempt sarcasm.)

I cheerily greeted him with "Dumb Ass." He imaginatively responded "You're the Dumb Ass."

Well of course, I had to point out that he really was the Dumb Ass seeing as he had bombed through a stop light in order to park himself in on-coming traffic on Tillary Street.

My dog tells me I should have let Darwin's natural selection run its course.

But I say it's nice to be nice.

And in any event, William Blake's Proverbs of Hell remind us that "If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise."

I just hope I didn't interfere with his Strava effort to claim KOM for the Brooklyn Bridge. I'd hate myself if I was the reason he'd be persisting in his folly this evening.

crosspalms said...

New NYC ad campaign: "Bike lanes. They're not just for cyclists anymore!" Revenge of the Prospect Park grannies.

Seriously, those photos are frightening.

Anonymous said...

All your ray-bans are belong to us

wishiwasmerckx said...

BOOSH?

What the heck happened to "BOO-YA?"

g-roc said...

Anon 1:41, that's because there's nothing compliant about that Dacshund.

Anonymous said...

Here's my advise if you get hit by a motorvehicle, he doesn't run away, and there are no witnesses:
a) pick yourself up from the ground
b) wait until driver gets out of vehicle
c) hit him in the head until he ceases breathing
d) change the driver into cyclist clothes and put him on the wrecked bike.
BOOM! Justice served and no investigation.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Do we really have to go there?

He felt nauseated, not nauseous.

james said...

You wonder what happens when police arrive at the scene of a bike-on-bike collision? Let me tell you how it goes down in Orange County, California. On a sharp turn on a two-way bike path, a woman veered into my lane and hit me. I somehow got a bloody lip and a flat tire. I have no idea what might have happened to her--nothing visible--but she called for an ambulance (I think this was to keep my animosity at bay) and proceeded to sit down and give a performance of moaning, while commenting on my lack of humanity or something. I decided to stick around. Actually, this wasn’t exactly a decision given that I had a flat.
ANYWAY, the ambulance arrives. A fire truck arrives. Two squad cars arrive. We are both questioned, and it is determined that she is at fault. I am told it is probably not worth pressing charges (weird! doing so hadn’t occurred to me). The report is finalized and the woman is whisked away to the hospital, from which she was probably discharged 30 seconds later.
The amazing part is this: the firefighters realized that I had a flat, and that I had broken both of my tire levers trying to get a ridiculously tight tire off of my rim. So, they load me and my bike onto the fire truck and drive me the remaining 2 miles home, much to the delight of my 5 year old. As I said, this was in Orange County, California, but I’m sure it goes down exactly the same way in New York City.

Anonymous said...

I am so so glad I no longer live in NYC so I no longer need to commute in NYC. How long before everyone else there realizes what a shitty place it is to live.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Ferme le Boosh!

Anonymous said...

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/new-york-mayor-agrees-not-to-shut-down-vibrator-giveaway/article4471677/

pebes said...

Wildcat,

"putting enough notches in his bedpost to make Mario Cipollini blush"

blush?!?! that's all he's gonna do?

that line was like a failed volleyball scoring attempt.

bump: putting enough notches on his bedpost

set: to make Mario Cipollini...

spi... arghhh messed it up with blush.


try harder or you'll never make the blogolympics.

leroy said...

Anon 2:03 --

I dunno, but it seems like a blog titled "Bike Snob Akron" just wouldn't be as interesting.

Fritz said...

Leroy you have my sympathy with the overtaking idiots, either they say nothing and zip by or the wait til the last second and shout ON YOUR LEFT...
I ride on a 6 mile long Rail to Trail and have been very happy with my new Eyes in the back of my head system
for early warning, it works great since most of the trail is shaded

McFly said...

"I made a huge error," Alex Schwazer says. "And I can only repeat, I'm sorry."

Alex has left himself quite a bit of wiggle room with this confession. Taken verbatim.

wishiwasmerckx said...

James, hate to be the one to bear the bad news, but if this is the Orange County I know, the ambulance, fire truck and two squad cars were there to insure that the accident had not damaged the expensive and impeccably-maintained median landscaping.

I have whimpy quads engine said...

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/olympics-fourth-place-medal/chris-hoy-british-cycling-champion-size-8-thighs-145522804--oly.html

Just when you thought that the nyt was the worst reporting in the world, you come to realize that the interweb is full of ducetastic "journalists"

Hungry Panda said...

Everybody missed the point, Calfee, will be colaboing an awesome rover 2.0 out of bamboo and shoot it to mars with rubberbands.

Anonymous said...

"where can i score some EPO in portlandia?"

Dude, where can't you score EPO in portlandia.

Anonymous said...

WRM, I am starting to think drivers get stupid in much the same way there's a mating season for animals or lasses living together all start getting synchronized ladytimes. I read your post today and shook my head at the idiots running down cyclists, and then got on my bike to ride from Sunnyside to Woodhaven (if the Great Hipster Silk Route had a bizarro version, this would be it.) I always have close encounters, but this today was especially wonderful, with two giant semis double-double parked (quad-parked?) taking up two lanes. I went into the only remaining lane to get around them, and about five seconds later heard a screech of brakes right behind me. I turned around to see the GMC Suburban that almost killed me. As we got around the semis, the driver pulled next to me and said "If you see me coming, get the hell out of my way!" (Remember, he was in back of me.)

I had a few choice words for him which I won't print here, and surprisingly he drove on, the cunt.

theEel said...

I'm sorry Friendo.

Salty and Sore said...

This comment has been passively voiced by the author. BOOSH!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Holy crap! was that Elvis?

mikeweb said...

leroy,

It sounds like you had a close call with Buddy Hackett. At least it wasn't Jonathan Winters. He's totally nuts.

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world.

Anonymous said...

"Protected bike lane." oh force fields! There are no completely protected bike lanes (separated lanes excepted) and too many cyclists end up being "dead right.."

Salty and Sore said...

Alas...
We cyclists get no love. Not even from each other.

Love your fellow cyclist. Even if he's a moron.

Face it. Us, bitches, do it everyday.

Anonymous said...

James - it is exactly the same in NYC except of course for the mandatory sodomization.

cycle

Anonymous said...

Re that Daily News article (@mikeweb 1:28pm):

Their big finding is that in a "mere" 35 minutes in Central Park on a summer afternoon, they clocked all of 16 cyclists going above the (according to them) 25 mph speed limit, exactly one of whom had achieved a shocking 5 mph over the limit. That's not even one every two minutes, but they give it the full tabloid terror treatment. (They don't specify the location, but the inset photos and yellow-journalism logic suggest it is the big Harlem hill, a natural place to get up some speed, and one where there are relatively few pedestrians crossing.)

Don't get me wrong: there is ample dickishness among cyclists in Central Park as elsewhere here in New Jersey's 5 o'clock shadow. But the News seems unwilling to accept that their speed gun stunt turned up nothing.

And BTW, in WRM's Queensboro Bridge accident photo, that's a city traffic agent, not a cop. The traffic agents have their own issues, as people who have to park here will tell you, but they deserve better than to be conflated with our brave body slammers in blue.

PatrickBateman said...

re: Anonymous - i think a lot of people have realized what a shitty place it is and unfortunately a lot of them keep moving to charlotte. Hey NCY - please work harder to hang on to your loud mouth yankees. They are all so ...greasy and loud.

oh, sorry, back to bikes....

World Building Continues! CHOP, CHOP!

that is a bit of grammatical douchetas a certain person on facebook uses. i've seen it.

Cortelyou Anquetil said...

Waaah... I couldn't ride my bike in NYC it was so so so awful... Waaah... Cops chased me and everyone yelled waaaahh...

I loved to PORTLAND now I'm so happy!!!

(I'm white, privileged and blame everyone but myself for unhappiness but fuck NYC waaaah...)

I'm going to start a BICYLE POWERED bicycle company: it CAN be done once you leave mean mean NYC waaaaaaah.

Anonymous said...

First, a big THANK YOU to the can't-hack-NYC cunts for leaving. Please take the long board skateboarders with you in the future.

Second, if anyone actually cares to study recent-ish history, it would be VERY instructive to read newspaper (not the fucking NYT) stories about the late '70s and early '80s bike crazy, especially during the transit strike.

Verdict: NONE of this shit is new but candyasses on both sides of vehicular divide bitch and rage about it a lot more. Thanks internet for making acting out easier!

CommieCanuck said...

dandyish?

Anonymous said...

Bouche, as in George W. Bouche.

Anonymous said...

James,

In Orange County-I'm from Anaheim- they were trying to help the poor woman get home so she can whisk her little cubs to their sports engagements, eat, and plop herself in front of the TV for the rest of the night. No time for deviating into the real world where the rest of us live.

On another note, I youtubed race walking and was surprised to see so few beer bellies. Those "guys" are actually quite fit.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:57- thank you for that.

Quilled and Lugged said...

Russell Brand? For a moment there I though you meant Russell Grant. Yikes.

MIKE VOID said @ 10:13
Rickshaws are old news in PDX, you can see parents chauffeuring bored kids around my neighborhood anytime the sun is shining.

You mean once a year, then (snigger)

McFly said...

Man I am curmudgeony this week. Going on a ride. I hope it helps. Got some Lizard Skin bar tape. Which is nice. I got THAT going for me.

I am thinking about having a local pharmacy collabo with a local Farmer's Co-Op and install a "Xanax Lick" at work. ???

Anonymous said...

just your typical cop/cyclist interaction in Boston:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGi1tQceMcc

cyclist also appears to be drunk (which is legal there - and pretty typical that time of night).

Anonymous said...

RICK SHAW

EPIC SHAW

HOTT CHIX

Dooth said...

No problem, mon (say it like a Jamaican) I grew up riding all over New York and everything's ire (pronounced I ray). As for those troubles, as Bob Marley said:
"me no know how, we and them a go work this out".

Grammar Nazi said...

Dooth, "ire" is to rile someone up. It pretty much means the opposite of "irie," the word you were searching for.

Dooth said...

Ach du lieber!!!

Thanks, Führer.

You're also a Vocabulary Nazi?

Oy vey.

Anonymous said...

I think that would make hime a rasta nazi.
I very rare and twisted hybrid indeed.

Anonymous said...

Or what we like to call a "Rasta Aryan"!
Thank you, I'll be here all week - tip your waitresses.
Hello? Is this thing on (tap...tap)? I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing...

Babe "The Sniper" Winkleman said...

Yeah...I suck at close hand-to-hand combat, it's a shame you will never get there.

Anonymous said...

I call bullshit on this. How exactly did this presumably poor guy swing visas to 16 countries when its hard enough for middle class Chinese to get visa to the EU? Most countries make Chinese nationals show they have a certain amount of money in their bank accounts to get a visa at all.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of police,

A gentleman-policeman from Michigan on holiday in Calgary, Canada writes about his trip north of THE border...

Walt Wawra, a US cop vacationing in Canada, has been ridiculed after writing a letter to the Calgary Herald lamenting Canada's gun laws

Anonymous said...

The Chinese world trawlerer was subsidized by the Chinese got't. So, in all fairnessi will judge he made it across 1 continent.

This man, I might add, is taking aways valuable kickstarter funds from entrepeneurial Americans trying to launch bike tours.

Anonymous said...

http://www.policymic.com/articles/12371/citi-bike-share-program-in-nyc-will-bring-total-carnage

Not to mention that after millions of trips those highly controversial Boris bikes haven't actually killed anyone. Without helments its going to be carnage.

Anonymous Coward said...

Lantern Rouge, after the effort yesterday, I just couldn't stay with the grupetto.

New sitcom this fall: "Tits McGee and Officer Pants Yabbies." It's a hard hitting dramatic dark comedy.

Anonymous said...

It's anon 2:56, reading more comments and wondering why people get so pissed about people telling war stories here. It was fun when I was a teen to buzz people selling reds in Washington Square and grab onto UPS trucks and all that shit. I'm now almost 40 and it's fucking scary to almost get killed my a cunt in an SUV. I think it's a bit hypocritical to bash people bitching in the comments section of a blog dedicated (among other things) to bitching about riding in NYC. Stop acting like you're bad-ass and have some fucking empathy, you cunts.

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Anonymous said...

anon 11:22

WAAA... I was a douchebag as a youth, and now I can't catch a break.

WAAAAAAA....

There's no crying in New York.

Anonymous said...

All scandinavians with slicked back hair are swedes.
Is Stanley a swede?

Also "crashed the fuck into", is that something sexual?

JANE said...

trcuck wheels.!

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markalei said...

Should follow the road!

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hemcoined said...

There are no completely protected bike lanes (separated lanes excepted) and too many cyclists end up being dead right..
Gangway

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