Thursday, August 23, 2012

Paying Your Way: Physics Isn't Fair

Yesterday, while riding home, I inserted my Scattante into David Byrne's lip:


(At least I'm pretty sure that says "lip.")

As I mentioned yesterday, Byrne has designed some new bike racks for the Brooklyn Academy of Music, and as it happens later that day I found myself in the vicinity of that august institution.  Immediately I remembered the rack, and so I resolved to stick my bike into it.  At first I was skeptical, but as it turns out there are few acts as thrilling as becoming one with a piece of living art created by a true genius of our time.  Of course, I'm not referring to parking my bike in David Byrne's rack; rather, I'm referring to reading Heather Hooters's column in the copy of "Juggs" magazine I found in a nearby wastebasket.  It was only after finishing it (spoiler alert: it was about big breasts) that I got around to parking my bike in the rack.  I certainly can't say it was as exciting as a found copy of "Juggs," but I'm sure the Brooklyn gentry will savor the experience of hitchin' up to Mr. Byrne's latest brainfart when they come down to see "Red Hook Summer" so that their next visit to Fairway will seem more culturally significant.

(By the way, the copy of "Juggs" was deposited into that wastebasket by a man driving a brand-new Hyundai Sonata with the sticker still in the window.  I wouldn't swear it was David Byrne, but it sure looked like him, and the music coming from the car sounded a lot like Brian Eno.)

Meanwhile, as Byrne works tirelessly to gussy up the cycling structure of New York City by means of his prodigious mental flatulence, the next mayoral administration (whoever it turns out to be) will most likely do their best to tear it down--or at least put it in a state of suspended animation:

I was disappointed to see Streetsblog refer to the Robs Fords in the singular, but otherwise I found this to be an edifying yet somewhat depressing read.  On the other hand, this "modest proposal" from some idiot in Chicago, which was forwarded to me by a reader, is just stupid:

(Putz.)

Also, I liked him much better in "Midnight Run:"

 

Sure, it's easy to laugh at idiots like this, but it's only a matter of time before someone succeeds in passing a law requiring cyclists to purchase a gallon of gasoline for every 20 miles traveled.  (The fact that cyclists don't have to pay for gasoline seems to be at the heart of all this resentment.)  But of all the idiotic things said by Dennis Farina's slow-witted cousin in the above video, this was probably the idioticest:

"Wouldn't you say that they're kinda like the one percenters of the commuter class?"

Apparently to work for the Chicago Tribune you don't even have to say things that make any form of sense, even as satire.  Instead, it's sufficient to simply equate something you don't like with something other people don't like, even if the two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other.  It's like saying, "Wouldn't you say that kayakers are kinda like the Nazis of the sea?"  Anyway, you know who are the one percenters of the commuter class?  The one percenters.  Like this guy:


I swear to Lob, if another one of these entitled Wall Street assholes rolls up to me in the bike lane and asks me if I have any fancy mustard I'm going to put my U-lock right in his boeuf bourguignon.

It should be apparent to anybody with even the most meager cognitive ability that cycling is cheaper than driving not because of the laws of man but because of the laws of physics.  Anyway, cyclists do their best to make it expensive anyway, which is why they buy stuff like Butnitz bikes.  Incidentally, I recently visited the Budnitz Twitter where I read this:

You know, those guys in the "matching bike outfits" aren't embarrassed, they're tired.  That's because they probably just got finished riding like nine hundred miles through the Rockies and are rolling home, whereas you're riding your designer city bike to brunch.  They're not racing you.  Thinking you're faster than people who are at rest is the primary symptom of the condition known as "New Cyclist's Exuberance."  If left untreated, it can go on to cause other undesirable forms of behavior, like starting designer bike companies or inventing gratuitous accessories:





Every great inventor has his "Eureka!" moment, and the inventor of the Wingz seatpost rack had his during an ill-fated trip to the grocery store:

"One night I had to make a late-night run to the grocery store, and that's when I bought a 24-pack of water bottles, some cereal, and milk.  And on the way home, every time we'd make a turn all the cargo would just fall off.  So I ended up having to walk the bike home."


Sadly, between admitting that he purchases bottled water and revealing that he rides a Magna, he's just lost every single potential investor in Portland:


(To Portlanders, this is the equivalent of riding around in a Klan outfit.)

Nevertheless, this was his inspiration to invent the perfect seatpost rack:

"So that's when I decided to design my own seatpost rack.  One that could adequately balance larger cargo without causing them to become off-balance and fall off."

Arguably, inventing the perfect seatpost rack is sort of like inventing the perfect suction cup car dashboard pad.  Still, you have to admire him for boldly ignoring the fact that there's already an invention that can "adequately balance larger cargo without causing them to become off-balance and fall off," and it's called "The Box:"


(Modified box with cutouts for additional weight-savings.)

Instead, he went with barbecue-tongs-and-a-bungee:


Though I suppose in a pinch he could use it to take a hot dog off the grill.

Speaking of milk crates, the crate image above comes from a site called "Milkcrate Digest"--which, amazingly, exists:


Since learning about it, I've been elbow-deep in milk crate porn (milk crates are typically only elbow-deep)--and I even found some milk crate pet-portaging porn:


Awww, that dog's wearing a hlellment! ("Hlellment" is Welsh for "helment.")

Hopefully they'll charge him double for the passenger if he rides though Chicago.

105 comments:

tridork said...

First!

Anonymous said...

pode

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment

singlespeedwaster said...

Toppping out!

babble on said...

:)

El Bonkistador said...

Top ten speed!

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

Read it roo, milk crate poin is an obsession

Jasper said...

Early doors - ish.
I am really out of touch. Must come back stronger next season.

Mark Maidique said...

HI
Mark

Mark Maidique said...

11?

Anonymous said...

Boosh - Missed Top Ten by this much

Anonymous said...

Milk it!

Gaffer Smythe said...

ci helmed yn fy cawell llaeth.

is what I say.

Anonymous said...

A more accurate title for today's post may've been . . . wait for it:

"POST-APOCOLYPTIC BIKE ORGY!"

It's good for many posts, so it's reusable and therefore green.

No charge this time. Just buy me a beer sometime.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Here Come the Warm Jets

Anonymous said...

Bike tax, helment tax x2, and pet taxi tax

DiCenso said...

Anonymous 2012,

That'll be about tree fiddy.

Anonymous said...

Fike's Dairy called. They want their milk crate back.

babble on said...

You scared me when I scanned the page and saw Juggs and Robba the Fords on the same screen. I feared for what lay ahead lest you'd found a photo of his massive man boobs and posted it.

But it wasn't his jubblies at all, was it? It was a photo of some hot tottie, and we didn't get to see it. All this talk of penetrating Byrne's lips and holy milk crate porn has me all hot and bothered, and there is no outlet in sight.

Please be kind, Snobby-poo, and fair. Next time, share share, sugar bear.

crosspalms said...

The free ride will only be over when they bring back fines for jaywalking and start taxing newspaper columnists who spout fatuous bullshit. Say something stupid, that comes out of your account. Guy looks good in his little suit, though, I'll give him that.

Anonymous said...

Top XX??

McFly said...

Bout time there was some Magna Love on this posting.

McFly said...

Top 5 for Babble, no surprise as she stays on the rivet.

McFly said...

RIVT PIVT

Dennis Hopper said...

I lol'd.

Anonymous Coward said...

I find it rather pertinent that the Trib Columnist's last name ends in ASS. What an insufferable pussbag.

Anonymous said...

NYC still has a long way to go before it can be considered bike friendly. Maybe they could start with finally closing the meager 9.5 miles of road that ring central and prospect parks to traffic finally. There are about 6,000 miles of roads in NYC and the DOT will have believe that if they close these 9.5 miles to cars that it will bring traffic in the city to a crippling standstill.

Boy said...

I got no problem with paying a toll at every intersection as long as drivers are paying it too. I pay a cent, they pay a dollar, that's why we're the 1 percenters, right?

Glen said...

I dislike anyone who refers to cyclists as "them", because it sounds like the person has never ridden a bike, or thinks there is something wrong with it.

Anyone who refers to us as "little bicycle people" needs to be punched in the face SEVERAL times. Yes, cycling should be discouraged by taxing it - what a dumbass!

Anonymous said...

the Rahminator is a doofus. Hopefully he will get hit by a speeding car so he can understand the difference between that and a bicycle. Some people have to learn the hard way.

Dick Daley said...

KASSHOLE

condescending douchnozzle

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Regarding the charging of fees for cyclists: the introduction of gasoline taxes and parking fees was supported in the ~1920s as a way to legitimize motor vehicles' use of the streets, and to de-legitimize the use by pedestrians. Of course this worked because those who could afford cars also had enough disposable income to pay the fees, whereas the converse is not always true for cyclists. Nevertheless, user fees for cyclists *could* in some world be used to claim a bigger share of the road.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

A mankini and a recumbent on the podium. How's that for the planets lining up. If anon 12:36 rides an off-road unicycle or a tall bike we'd have the perfect storm.

leroy said...

Aha!

It's BSNYC who has cornered the fancy mustard market and won't share.

Oh sure, today it's "just" mustard, but tomorrow it will be artisanal ketchup as well. And don't get me started on Brooklyn's small batch pickle purveyor cartel.

Will nothing stop this U-Lock wielding Robber Baron hell bent on cornering the world's precious supply of condiments?

Where's David Byrne when we need him?

Fritz said...

"Little Bicycle People"

Do they live in trees and bake tollhouse cookies?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

the fancy people like to get pooped on?

babble on said...

Yep, that's me... riveting.

babble on said...

And I'd be riveted, too, if only snobbers had shared...

grog said...

I'll see your Ford and raise you a Christie. Recumbabe pair wins.

Zach said...

I have belatedly decided that I'm fine with ripping out all the bike lanes, as nice as they are. There are too many damn bikes in the bike lanes in Manhattan. It makes it very hard to get anywhere at a reasonable pace, especially with all the salmoning.

I'm a reasonably good city bicyclist, and at this point a Mad Max-style free-for-all would shave ten minutes off my trip to work as compared to the present approach, since the fashion victims riding 300-lb bikes at 5 MPH would magically vanish.

I am an overtaxed engine said...

http://www.chicityclerk.com/vehicle-stickers/pricing.html

Remember in Chicago you need a sticker to fart.

Except if you drive from the Burbs, then it is 0.75 for 115 minutes of parking.

NO body rides for free,

Zach said...

Actually, maybe the government CAN solve this. How about one of those newfangled public-private partnerships to build a bike-only tollway into Manhattan? I'd pay for that shit, as long as it had a passing lane.

McFly said...

I cannot stop looking at that happy dog. He is so happy. Like Leroy's dog before he became all jaded and high.

Magna guys' NavySeal watch cost more than his bike.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ass, gas or grass...Nobody rides for free...

I am a confused engine said...

Sorry, the Kass crap is intended to be funny according to my Chicago connection. Chicago humour is not refined, or well thought out, it is somewhere between snarky and stupid.

Remember they have Rham, and hates everything. Daly was however a rabid bicyclist, and loved parking meters.

Dooth said...

Is there a Mayor DeBlassé in our future?

A car-hugging, bike-hating political reactionary, who's in the pockets of the Taxi and Limousine Commission, and the contractors eager to rip out the bike lanes.

ken e. said...

holy fuck, the tribune guy is a worm.

whaaaambulance said...

Is there a safe method to discourage the salmoning?

Yesterday was about the last time for me when one from A PAIR of salmoners yelled at me for not giving them room.

An elbow? A shove? I can't clothesline em.

leroy said...

McFly --

They all look happy and cute when they're little.

Then they grow up and the beer keeps disappearing from the fridge.

Ray Sexlight said...

The One Percenter comment probably refers to outlaw motorcycle gangs. It might be in response to the Galloping Goose kit I was sporting the time I blew through a 4-way stop.

Anonymous said...

Listen up, people!

I'm here to out the Bike Snob as a tool of the New World Order. First he mocks yet subtly encourages the "minimalist manifesto" and now he mocks while again promoting the...milk crate.

Nice subversion inversion Snob!

The PTB want us to believe we chose to be "minimalists" and chose to keep our paltry consumer items in milk crates and chose to portage these items via Magna bikes. We'll all be cool. Understand? Poor is cool. Living out of your milk crates is edgy, hip and blogable. We'll willingly drink PBRs and eat frozen burritos! Don't you all see?

yogisurf said...

Super post, I spit some after lunch coffee up on the milk crates I keep by my desk.

yogisurf said...

Super post, I spit some after lunch coffee up on the milk crates I keep by my desk.

Anonymous said...

The gashole in Chicago recommends punishing cyclists through payments:

It would essentially be paying for bicycle registration taxes on a bike that may or may not be used in transit. The rest of his remarks are bullshit.

It is important to note bikes cost a fraction of the price of a car and need much less infrastructure to support. As of now there is a small percentage of infrastructure for cyclists.

We are already paying for streets with taxes, and any fees on a motor vehicle do not solely fund measures to support driving automobiles.

Stupid that a person's self hatred is accepted as a news story.

Anonymous said...

The Chicago Tribune article gives the author's email address at the end:
jskass@tribune.com

One can only wish that his middle name was, say, Allen, so that it would be jakass@tribune.com.

Buffalo Bill said...

My milk crate is made of drillium.

Quilled and Lugged said...

(Modified box with cutouts for additional weight-savings.)

That's comedy gold right there, Mr Snob.

@RCT: A mankini and a recumbent on the podium.
I am so glad there were no visuals for that.

On the other hand, I couldn't get that Chicago doofus video to stop playing nor could I close the tab. That was hideous, the sort of thing I imagine nasty media magnates to be trying on us poor little people.

The Fat Lady of Limbourg said...

No one in Manhattan uses the Byrne bike racks!

No one!

Not once!

Not ever!

Why?

They're too weird-looking to be bike racks!

We get it, David!

Dysfunctional bike racks!

That RISD degree is paying dividends, at last!

REID FLEMING said...

GIMME BACK MY MILK CRATE OR IMA FUGGIN KILL YA!!!!

Anonymous said...

what kind of idiot designs a bike rack that you cannot lock your frame to, just the front wheel? Oh, a David Byrne idiot, everything makes perfect sense now. Artists, another word for idiots.

Anonymous said...

Scattante??
I thought you had a Beloved...

Anonymous said...

I must admit that I still suffer from "New Cyclist's Exuberance" even after 35 years of riding bicycles...

Sad indeed.

Sorry to all the Freds I passed on my hybride bike on the climb up Mont-Royal. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

helment helment for leather

Anonymous said...

Those Butcheekz bikes look like Swobo knockoffs.

Anonymous said...

For an interesting Milkcrate sculpture, Check this out

Lucas said...

Does the Wingz guy really have only TWO INCHES of seatpost in his frame? Smart.

Rollie said...

Wow, the Butnutz bike at their website has literally every feature that we'll someday look upon as a faddish trend of the "oughts": Single speed. Belt drive. Disc brakes. White tires. Leather (sorry Chamferer).

Anonymous said...

...if they ride though Chicago.

Anonymous said...

Dead last?

JB said...

Nope, here I am.

big al said...

Wow, whoda thunk, aother chicago thug pol would come up with another way to steal money. reminds me of obummer.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Deer Hunting Bike Hack!

Excerpt: "Thought you might enjoy seeing a technique I've perfected to haul deer out of the woods using a bicycle and zip ties. I hunt in a road closure area in Western Washington which limits travel to foot or bicycle. The photos might make some folks squeamish but I'm proud of the "hack" aspect of this game hauling technique. "

Not Stanley Wiggins said...

On the TDFU to work this morning.

I rode down the one dedicated bike path in this city and all these pedestrians were walking on it like cunts.

Then I had to ride on the road and all the drivers were driving like cunts.

And finally getting on the lift all these people were standing around blocking the way like dumb cunts.

They are all a bunch of fooking stupid cunts.

Ah, thanks for listening, I feel better now.

First in lastness said...

SPOILER ALERT: Time for the Lance apologists to come out in droves.

Jay Anderson said...

No Lance apologist here. Doesn't that inch and a half of seat post left under the reflector seem like too little to *insert* into the frame? The one seat post that I had out on my workbench had the insertion mark at 4 inches. Maybe there are different rules for those Magna dual suspension mountain bikes.

Anonymous said...

anonymous (Deer hunting Bike hack)

Are those deer even legal? In my state they are required to have 12 inch spread or 15 inch length of one of the main beams.

The hack of the bike looks like it works, and that is all that counts, but just wondering if you are doing your part in the management of deer in your area. In most areas, it would make more since to kill does than to kill yearlings if you are only doing it for the meat.

Mond LeGreg said...

Now, who is the american with the most tour wins?

McFly said...

"I can't believe Lance took Performance enhancing drugs!"....said no one ever.

Anonymous said...

@anon 3:18am

I don't know anything about hunting or deer or hacks.

I just came across this crazy stuff and posted it here for all to see and enjoy

yours,

anon 10:09pm

mikeweb said...

This shit is like a visit to the doctor.

You know it's got to be done, but it sucks all the same.

FUCK DOPE

singlespeedwaster said...

Just like Lance, I must now come clean, and admit that every result I've ever had has been due to performance de-enhancing substances. I've now approached the UCI for support in reclaiming all those podium places that should have been mine. Cancer of the pants yabbies is not too high a price to pay.

Vance Headstrong said...

I can judge Lance because I've never cheated, lied, stole, run a red light, had pre-marital sex, held racist thoughts, defiled women, took the Lord's name in vain (but I did take the train in vain), coveted my neighbor's wife, taken drugs...I'm pure!

babble on said...

He shoulda boosted instead...

McFly said...

THE CLASH!!!!!!

ce said...

Vance, while I do believe that we are on many levels "hypocrites" by nature (or design, if you prefer), I disagree that non adherence to Imaginary Sky Friend rules is necessarily an example of that. Believe it or not, there are many people that don't play that particular game.

ce said...

Rollie, oh, you will be sorry...

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hemcoined said...

It makes it very hard to get anywhere at a reasonable pace, especially with all the salmoning.
Loading Arm

Vinay roy said...

Yes these bike racks looks good but is not secured. They don't provide a look for front end even though it can store series of bikes in it. I hope drive-in rack can solve this problem. It stores in multiple rows with secured that prevents from theft. Drive in Rack Design.