Thursday, August 16, 2012

Cutting It Close: The Lawnmower Man



(Via a reader.)

On the day before yesterday, I mentioned luxury ice.  Well, little did I know that ice was so...hot.  In fact, ice is so incredibly trendy that way back in February, a black market ice dealer was arrested for stealing it from a glacier:


Apparently, the street value of this haul was £3,900, or almost 685,000 Albanian Lek:

Local media reported that last Friday police intercepted a refrigerated truck with an estimated £3,900 worth of illicit ice allegedly bound for whiskies, rums and cocktails in the capital Santiago.

That's a lotta Lek.

As I read this, I realized that if I'm ever going to make some real money (I do have millions of dollars, but it's all tied up in Nashbar discount codes) I'd better launch a high-end ice business.  My first thought was to market ice made from morning dew collected from the petals of the rare Rafflesia flower in the tropical forests of Indonesia, but after spending $10,000 to brew up a test batch I discovered it had the appearance and scent of urine after you've dined on asparagus.  Then I considered selling ice made from okapi tears, but I couldn't figure out how to make them cry.  (Take it from me, you can yell "Fuck you, okapi!" at those bastards until you're azure in the face, but the most you'll get is a twitch of the ears.)  Finally, it hit me--I'll get the ice from Uranus:


(You say "Your Anus," I say "Urine Us.")

Uranus is called the "Ice Giant," and after spending about nine seconds on Wikipedia it became clear to me that all I need to do is get past its outer gaseous hydrogen/helium envelope and then I can raid its icy mantle for all the luxury ice product I want.  Best of all, Uranus apparently contains "methane ice," and nothing complements a high-end cocktail like the smell of flatulence.  Just imagine sipping a nice peaty Scotch as the smell of farts from your melting Uranus Luxury Ice sphere gently wafts into your nostrils.  It's like strolling through a Scottish field full of gassy sheep.

Now all I need to do is launch my Kickstarter campaign and drum up the funds to build my Uranus 1 Intergalactic Space Ice Porteur Trike:


The money I save on gasoline will allow me to keep my ice prices below $1 billion per milligram.

Speaking of zany contraptions, Chris from Electra Bikes informs me that an enterprising man has finally invented a bicycle lawnmower:


Here's the inspiring story behind it:

The idea came to Hartman after years of riding racing bikes as a triathlete. He realized that a bicycle gear configuration could be applied to a lawnmower to achieve a high blade speed without a gasoline motor. Excited and hopeful, he immersed himself in a project that lasted six years. About a month ago, Hartman emerged with two patents and a product ready to show to the industry, named the "Cyclemower." Today, he uses it on his lawn to get a cut that he couldn't get before.

This truly represents a triumph of the human spirit, because it's hard to believe a triathlete actually managed to test ride a bicycle with thrashing blades for six years without either killing somebody or simply falling into its razor-sharp maw.

Also, here are some specs for the tech geeks out there:

When pushed, the reel with winding blades transforms into a red cylinder that snips the long grass against a fixed blade.

Yes, that's a fixed blade, or what hardcore lawn care enthusiasts call a "fixie."

Unfortunately, the purity of the fixed-blade mowercycle culture is bound to be short-lived, for it's only a matter of time before the Freds catch on to this as a cross-training technique and start creating Strava segments on their lawn:


Then the inevitable lawsuits will start popping up like dandelions, since you can pretty much count on some lawn Fred going overboard when he receives instant notification that someone has taken his King of the Garden honor.  Next thing you know he's putting on his time trial helmet, installing a pair of aero bars, and making minced meat of the neighbor's cat.

Meanwhile, in other landscaping tool news, a reader tells me that someone has finally designed a crabon axe:


It's about time that there was a more Fredly alternative to those Best Made axes, which, quite frankly, were always a little too retrogrouchy anyway:


(Best Made singlehandedly launched the "Urban Lumberdouche" movement.)

Though where else are you going to go for that $42 ruler?

Or that $48 cargo net?

I'm surprised forest rangers all over the country aren't constantly stumbling upon the decomposed corpses of inept urbanites surrounded by Best Made products.  Then again, I guess most of them have the sense to simply hang their purchases on their walls as decoration, or at most put them in the trunk of the Zipcar when they head out to the Hamptons.

Of course, as an inept urbanite myself, I'll be equipping myself with a crabon axe for my intergalactic Uranusian ice missions, and I'll also be equipping my Uranus 1 Intergalactic Space Ice Porteur Bike with a whimsically-decorated bike box:



Be sure to help them raise funds for a sewing machine:

Help us raise funds for a sewing machine to create the first designer bike boxes, handcrafted in the U.S.

Even though the video contains the incriminating evidence that they already have a sewing machine:

(Liars!!!)

However, the Boovabox is crafted with pride in the USA:


I'm not sure slip covers for milk crates signifies a return to our erstwhile greatness as a manufacturing nation, though it's definitely yet another sign that we've officially become the world's summer camp and that nobody can match our output when it comes to cranking out arts and crafts.


Also, it's pretty clear to me from the video that Kutztown, PA is the new Portland.  Furthermore, it's clear to me from this video that Minneapolis is the old Portland:



Which in turn means that Portland itself is now the new Cleveland.

By the way, I wanted to learn more about "Wheel Sexy," so I visited their website, where I learned how to make pasties with bike tubes:



Foolishly, I've just been using inner tube patches for pasties, which means that when I actually need them to fix a flat I'm always out of them.  Fortunately though, Brooklyn is full of burlesque supply shops now, so in a pinch I can always patch a tube with a pasty.  The one thing that doesn't work though is pulling the patch off your nipple and trying to re-use it on your inner tube--trust me, I've tried.

And finally, amidst all the negativity towards cyclists here in New York City lately, I was pleased to learn that at least one rider is gaining fame as a purse-retrieving vigilante:



saved my purse - w4m (Broadway&Bedford)
Date: 2012-08-15, 1:17AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Out of nowhere you return my purse from a thief and I couldn't even thank you. It was all so shocking. I didn't know what to do. My internet savvy friend said this might work. Dear hero. Man on the bike. Let me know who you are. K

According to witnesses, he was wearing nothing but sequined briefs, a harlequin mask, and a pair of pasties.

97 comments:

Anonymous said...

My post epic burrito propulsion device seems to have stunned the peloton.

McFly said...

Is the Vuelta Espana basically the red-headed stepchild of the Grand Tours?

theEel said...

WEED!

BIKING VIKING said...

TOP TEN

Anonymous said...

close

cycle

Anonymous said...

Top ten

chemistry police said...

Methane doesn't smell. It's sulfur compounds that give farts their smell.

Anonymous said...

Gotta go and run over a blind guy in Central park now...

Anonymous said...

TOOP TEEN

JB said...

My methane doesn't stink.

Anonymous said...

"Your mother's a duiker, okapi!"

Works every time.

Anonymous said...

I saw that shirtless person while watching the race. I did some rewind, and eventually decided it was a dude. then tried to pretend I didn't have a chubber

JB said...

I trust that your Uranus 1 Intergalactic Space Ice Porteur Trike will be made by Litespeed. Either that or custom Portland steeeeel.

McFly said...

That space trike have a front end off a '77 Honda CB750 and rear stabilization wheels off a hand-dolly?

babble on said...

Dear Snobbers,

I was anticipating your reaction to the photo of Stanley Wiggins nursing his Olympic high on the back of a little Wednesday Weed!

Sigh...

Anonymous said...

Down-under there is no "strolling" through a field of sheep. Unless by "strolling" you mean "ballin'"



Anonymous said...

Ok, translate for me please; here, a pasty is mince, onions, potato and stuff inside a pastry casing.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Oh, and all fields here smell of sheep farts.....

hey nonny mouse

Rollie said...

That photo's from 1989 before Chris Cornell got famous... right? He's all BIKE REEIIIICE, YEEAHH

crosspalms said...

Toward the end of the wheel sexy video, a guy in a green jacket walks past the three cavorting young women and doesn't even look at them. Talk about nonplussed.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Talk about nonplussed. Those girls couldn't get a job mopping the floors of a Vegas strip club.

Ice Loser said...

Top Uranus Twenty!!

Anonymous said...

I'm quite sure one of the burlesque gurls has a penis.

Anonymous said...

Methane doesn't smell but you could use it in the Haber-Bosch process to get ammonia, water and carbon dioxide a your fine single malt scotch will taste like fizzy wee - Jack Daniels and Coke then!

Mehjor Taylor said...

I went immediately to the bottom of the Wheel Sexy Kickstarter pledge levels and was relieved not to see "$500 The performers will have sex with you."

Although the $333 level does talk about a threesome...

Cipo said...

Babble On,
Nice calves. Perfect for wheel-barrowing you around the bedroom. And living room. What viscosity oil do you prefer?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Carbon Fiber in the axe head? Heft is a big part of what does the job, and the less of the job the axe does, the more work you have to do.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Read the BSNYC's movie review of "Premium Rush" in Outside Magazine last night.

Outside calls him "famously cranky."

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford engages Jonathan Vaughters in serious anti-doping debate. JV replies.

Snobby talks about pasties and farts.

Anonymous said...

I know how the girl in the light green blouse in the Kickstarter can make some extra cash. SELLING HER BOX!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

sherpa said...

Ok, after staring at it for hours i'm convinced the photo at the top is a dude.

Still managed to finish though.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Zen-like lawn mowing.

Buffalo Bill said...

riding to youranus on a lightspeed?

Rollie said...

Fart gas from Uranus? Bronze, Snobby, BRONZE!!

Anonymous said...

I got my reel mower from ace hardware for 80 bucks. It too "transforms" from many blades into a "red cylinder". Ten thousand for a prototype 19th century mower.

Closet queen said...

Srsly? You didn't recognize the person in the first pic as a dude?

He may have long hair, but if you prefer your women with broad shoulders and thin hips like that, it is time for you to consider coming out of the closet and letting your freak flag fly!

frilly said...

That is so not a girl. Seriously, why bother going topless if you're gonna wear granny panties?

Ha on the triathlete mower guy. Reminds me of when I was dating the tri guy--he always wanted to ride next to me & put his hand on my back. Never mind that he was always crashing. I was careful to make sure I was a little ahead or behind, just in case.

frilly said...

Hi Blog Drafter! (almost forgot.)

P. Bateman said...

i don't want to say anything mean about the burlesque gals. i really don't. but what is going on with the whole burlesque thing? why would i want to go back 70 years on the porn timeline? I prefer NOT leaving anything to the imagination.

jsk said...

Dear Snob, Are you writing from Uranus these days? I mean, where are you on these front page stories right here in your own town? Come on, man! This is your turf, no?

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/daily-news-exposes-central-park-bike-chaos-blind-marathon-runner-richard-bernstein-struck-speeding-cyclist-article-1.1137413

bikevcar said...

Six years to weld half a bike frame to a hand-push lawn mower? How the other half live!

The Commentariat said...

Anybody else get excited when the words "Frilly" and "a little behind" are contained in the same post?

Anonymous said...

Frilly I am sure most guys want to put their hands on your back when they are riding with you, it's just common courtesy.

Anonymous said...

Boovabox dudes - Clover Farms Dairy called. They want their milk crate back.

Toby McFaith said...

Not to beat the dead equine, but methane has no odor. That's not what smells when people produce gas.

At room temperature and standard pressure, methane is a colorless, odorless gas. The familiar smell of natural gas as used in homes is a safety measure achieved by the addition of an odorant, often methanethiol or ethanethiol

Toby McFaith said...

Not to beat the dead equine, but methane has no odor. That's not what smells when people produce gas.

At room temperature and standard pressure, methane is a colorless, odorless gas. The familiar smell of natural gas as used in homes is a safety measure achieved by the addition of an odorant, often methanethiol or ethanethiol

SMALL WARS said...

Note the dutch bike in the bike box video. Coaster brake only. Whoa, they're really stickin' it to them fixie riders there!

Anonymous said...

How is the lawnmower bike different from any if these?

http://www.google.com/search?q=lawnmower+bike&hl=en&client=ms-android-verizon&gl=us&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=90EtUMq1Coyk8gTM8YCoAg&ved=0CEgQsAQ&biw=360&bih=640

leroy said...

A cyclist in Brooklyn wearing nothing but sequined briefs, a harlequin mask, and a pair of pasties?

My dog wishes to point out that doesn't really narrow it down.

I told him it's not polite to point and anyway, he's not a pointer.

In fact, he's not even a working breed, notwithstanding his claim that he's in discussions with Ed Hardy to sponsor a promotional tour featuring my dog's Karaoke rendition of "Ice Ice Baby."

ashcroftchops said...

Who would like to purchase my home made "ass crack sweat ice" procured from my recent brooks saddle laden six speed brompton folding bike ride up a very large hill whilst wearing a 100% Scottish wool men's butt muffler?

BikeSnobNYC said...

JSK,

I prefer not to rise to the local media's constant bike-baiting at this time.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

sheesh. sewing cotton fabric onto a stolen crate. way to go american schools.

SOPWAMTOS disapproves

Dooth said...

Woman in the first photo! Curvy...and wearing pasties.
Notice the lead mtb'r eye-balling them, her.

Anonymous said...

Pasty or pastry? Confusion reigns.

cycle

frilly said...

Anon 2:46--I'm all for chivalry on the bike if the gentleman can hold his line. Nothing charming about having your front wheel clipped.

Anonymous said...

@BikeSnobNYC 3:23pm:

… and they came for the cyclists that knock down and hospitalize blind people people in the park, and I said nothing. And finally they came for me, and I looked around …

Anonymous said...

My Fiskars Momentum mower already has the key push reel mower innovation: a freewheel for the reel, so that it keeps spinning on its own inertia if the pushing speed varies a bit with terrain. It also helps with cutting the stray grass at the end of a row. Simply put, it's an awesome human powered machine. Available now, at 1/3 the size of the bike-tech mower, for $100 on your local CL.

JB said...

Based on the large drive wheels and various gears, I'm guessing that the bike lawnmower guy's blades spin much faster than the typical old-skool mower.

babble on said...

Dearest snobby one,

I don't want to admit it, but I really love the thought of you tearing the pasty off to patch a tyre...

Please, to satisfy my curiosity, tell me, do you have any hair left around your nipples?

babble on said...

JSK:

Checked out your link. Holy fuck you guys live in a warzone. Here's just one comment directed at a cyclist:

BALDMANROX50 minutes ago
Tell, you what, bud. Next time you are anywhere near my truck, I'll make sure to turn you into a hood ornament. You'll be picking limestone out of your teeth, kid. Stupid f'ing peasant. We pedestrians should start carrying baseball bats with us.

Oh wait. I've met people like him here, too. The Jabba Wars are spreading like Colorado wildfire.

Anonymous said...

A lawnmower with downhill tires, $1000 in ice, a pair of bike tube pasties.
Shoot! A fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

mikeweb said...

Hah!! Now we know who Anonymous is:

Major "King" Kong.

Anonymous said...

Oh snobby "time trial helmet"? Surely it was his tridork helment..

And by the way, fuck it, its only the neighbors cat.

CRUNT

Your mother's a duiker said...

Crosspalms and wishiwasmerckx - exactly. Why is it that so many burlesque performers, like nudists, are the kind of people that we have no interest in seeing naked?

Quilled and Lugged said...

@babble on

Nice to see that, even while Brad is doing the naughty, he is wearing his regulation Fred Perry with the Brad stripes.

Anonymous said...

Again, I'm afraid an imposter is writing this blog...

Will the real BikeSnob please stand up!!!!

Anonymous said...

Frilly,
How do you make brown panties that look like tapistry curtains be so sexy? Pull 'em drapes back girl..

Bill Smith said...

How long before stores sell EPO in the gardening section?

Dooth said...

That disco ball in the boova box video...
Frilly, shall we dance?

frilly said...

Anon 5:19--Lots of hill climbing!

leroy said...

Time to ride home to Brooklyn, but I can't find my sequined briefs.

I just hope my dog didn't sell them to the Naked Cowboy in Times Square again.

I mean, I'm all for supporting the arts, but that's just not right.

(Note to self - remember to caution Frilly about business proposals from my dog concerning marketing of undergarments. You just can't trust him with cash.)

McFly said...

OK I just done some web-stalking on Frilly's curtain-panties. Ermaaahhhhhgerrrrd.

Anonymous said...

"shall we dance?"

one two three and....

hey nonny mouse

JD said...

Every single box ticked in today's post. A triumph. I chortled. Congrats and thanks for making the 442 bus ride to Sydney that much more pleasurable today.

Blog Drafter said...

Hi Frilly. That's all, just hi. Nothing about panties or pink socks. Just say'n hi, that's all.

McFly said...

OH Blog Drafter you gots to be checkin out them curtain panties. It's work-safe. It's classy. It's assy. The custon inlay work on the threading is exquisite. That rumps got bump.

McFly said...

*custom...or cussed 'dem.

Freddie Mercury said...

Fat bottom girls make the rockin world go round!

"Fat bottomed girls, they'll be riding today, so look out for those beauties, oh yeah"

Anonymous said...

I used to be a breast man but thanks to this blog I am now a breast and ass man.

frilly said...

Anon 9:45--Got it covered on both counts actually.

McFly--They're definitely one of my favorites too.

Anonymous said...

Well....uncover them.


HAHAHAHAHAHA
(You see what I did there? Jeenyus)

McFly said...

Favorites? There's moar? I am thinking Panty of the Month Club. You know, keep it classy and upscale. Or not.

Anonymous said...

http://itineraries.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/07/31/13056460-great-american-cities-for-cycling

according to this, Austin is the new Portland, Boston is the old portland, and chicagoans bleed sausage.

El Bonkistador said...

I've been known to say:

Uranus is nearly the size of planet Neptune... Your anus is more like Saturn, a gas giant surrounded by seven rings. Often refered to by scientists, historians and archaeologists as "Dante's Inferno"*.

Then I follow it up with a ribald joke about Stephanie Zimbalist.

I was also given a push mower a couple months ago and charged with somehow marrying it to a bike frame in a workable format. I basically sat on the idea for 6 weeks and then told the guy it wasn't going to happen. That is before I considered patents and the concept that I could CRUSH some tridork's dreams with my simple upright Dutch style "Mowfiets" that not only cuts grass but allows you to wear normal clothes, forego the helment, AND efficiently commutes with minimal crashes.

Further, in the year 2000, I visited Kutztown for their annual "Amish Dirt Fair". They roasted whole cows on spits over wood fires so that was... that. OH! And the QUILTING! They had a whole barn full! They even had a bunch of those Menonites hanging around with their very plain underpowered cars. My bike and I were caught between 2 worlds. Mostly, though, it was a world where I could only buy** Yuengling Porter a case at a time over in Reading. Boy, was I drunk.

*I know, Hell has 9 and some claim Saturn really only has 5...Most people don't know that and the rest don't care.

**While it was the only place to buy take out beer, I also mean that was the only drinkable beer they sold.

Anonymous said...

Report from nyc day one:

Muc crappy bikes @ bedofrd station.

Crazy bike salmon and likewise ersatz bike riderz.

Pork tacos sans crispiness of carnitas.

Kenneth Trueman said...

In fine form today, Wildcat. One of your best in a while. Loved build-up to the Strava lawn segment. :)

BikingBill said...

You call that a bike box?

THIS is a BIKE BOX :-)

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y247/bikingbill/ZoxTailbox8-12-2000-1.jpg

(it was awesome on downhills, but scary in cross winds)

Anonymous said...

Kutztown may be the new Portland, but the Portland smugness police would surely levy a fine for putting a Boovabox on a motorscooter (2:18)

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

http://phoenix.craigslist.org/cph/bik/3212790785.html

Awesome mountain bikes are still cheap in Phoenix.

Unknown said...

http://phoenix.craigslist.org/cph/bik/3212790785.html

Bikes are still cheap in Phoenix as long as you are willing to fix a thing or two.

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