If I was a minimalist, it would only take me five minutes to pack up my five belongings and leave Brooklyn forever, which is what I wanted to do immediately after I finished watching this:
I realize it's supposed to be all cutesy and tongue-in-cheek, but unfortunately this is what people in Brooklyn are actually like now. (Which is to say cloyingly cutesy and tongue-in-cheek. Or, if you prefer, they're like Portlanders with money.) Also, the above scenario is highly implausible, because it's virtually impossible for even the most clueless transplant to get lost on a bicycle in Brooklyn now. As long as you enter the borough by bridge, all you have to do is stick to the bike lanes, since the Department of Transportation has taken great pains to make sure to route them through only he most gentrified neighborhoods. (Bike lane-ing is the new redlining.) As long as you're going to visit someone like the guy above, all you have to do is stick to the bike lanes and eventually you're going to wind up on his street. Really, you'd have an easier time getting lost on a carousel.
Meanwhile, if you're looking to take up the sport of Carbon Road Bike Bicycle Cycling, reader Omri the Magnificent (as I've just decided to call him) has forwarded me the definitive guide:
First, you'll need a crabon famre:
Then, you'll need some crabon handling bars to steer it with:
Don't forget the saddle:
By the way, you could save yourself about $560 here by cutting the chamois out of your shorts and gluing a pair of plastic rails to it.
Oh, you'll also need a dork-tastic space helment complete with face shield:
As well as a lock, because of course you're an idiot and you're going to leave this five-figure lump of plastic outside:
When you're all finished, you'll have a $20,000 bike:
By the looks of things, the Stanley Wiggins-inspired British Fred Boom is going to be even dorkier than the American Lance Armstrong-inspired Fred Boom--and at least twice as expensive. I also imagine there will be a lot of disappointed Brit-Freds in space helmets riding home on Boris Bikes after their $20,000 lumps of crabon get stolen when they lock them up outside.
Fortunately, the face shields will hide their tears.
Speaking of Boris Bikes, you may have heard that our own Bloomie Bikes are being delayed until next year:
As for the reason for the holdup, good luck deciphering all the technical jargon:
“The software doesn’t work,” the mayor said. “Duh.”
I'm glad to see that "Duh" finally qualifies as an official excuse when it comes to municipal matters. Maybe next year I can just scrawl the word "Duh" on my tax return and enclose forty-seven cents.
In the meantime, if you're visiting New York City and you'd like to have access to a bicycle while you're in town, you can always use something called Splinster:
Let's say you want to experience the thrill of riding around the city on a genuine fixed-gear fixiebike. Well, just enter the appropriate search parameters and you'll be annoying pedestrians in no time:
You get a bike, the owner gets his weed money, and it would appear that everybody wins. Then, you get to leave reviews like this:
There's even a theft guarantee:
The Spinlister Guarantee
We want you to be comfortable listing your bike on Spinlister. That's why we're guaranteeing your bike's safety on our system. If your bike is damaged or stolen during a rental period and the renter is unable to reimburse you for the fair value of your bike, we'll cover the cost up to $5000. And we'll buy you a cake.
That's why I'm putting my "Beloved" on Splinster:
I bought my "Beloved" for $4,895, conveniently just below Splinster's $5,000 reimbursement ceiling. Here's the receipt:
The way it's going to work is, you're going to rent my "Beloved." Then it's going to get "stolen," and you're going to be "unable" to reimburse me. So, Splinster is going to give me $4,895.
And, for your troubles, I'll give you the cake.
If you're wondering why there isn't more in it for you, it's because I have overhead. For example, I'm going to need at least a few hundred from that $4,895 in order to buy more "Beloveds" from Performance. I figure that once I've got five or ten "Beloveds" in circulation I'll be able to retire before New York City finally gets the bike share program up and running. Then I can finally buy that hoverbike I've always wanted:
The best thing about a hoverbike is it's much harder to get "doored:"
got doored by a runaway taxi - 24 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-21, 2:37AM EDT
I was riding my bike on 84th on thursday. I was turning onto 3rd ave when a guy opened his door and i ran into it.
I was shirtless, if you saw this and had the good sense to check the taxi plate. could you let me know?
I got right up, i thought i was fine, but it was just adrenaline. I fucked my shit up. The Taxi drove off. I would like to sue his ass. not in a bad way. But ive payed 150 in co-pays alone. my iPod broke on the door and my bike needs work.
Plus i had to skip some gigs i was supposed to play since my shoulder is in a sling. actually i might as well put a plug in for the gig ill play this thursday. this is more about the taxi though.
Left Field Bar. Lower east side. 5 dollar cover. Thursday night, doors at 7. say you're there for Swerve.
If you saw the Cab. and the long haired shirtless guy getting doored by it....please email me
That's how you turn a misfortune into an opportunity.