Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Confusion and Delay: Whither Bike Share?

I wish I was a minimalist.

If I was a minimalist, it would only take me five minutes to pack up my five belongings and leave Brooklyn forever, which is what I wanted to do immediately after I finished watching this:


I realize it's supposed to be all cutesy and tongue-in-cheek, but unfortunately this is what people in Brooklyn are actually like now.  (Which is to say cloyingly cutesy and tongue-in-cheek.  Or, if you prefer, they're like Portlanders with money.)  Also, the above scenario is highly implausible, because it's virtually impossible for even the most clueless transplant to get lost on a bicycle in Brooklyn now.  As long as you enter the borough by bridge, all you have to do is stick to the bike lanes, since the Department of Transportation has taken great pains to make sure to route them through only he most gentrified neighborhoods.  (Bike lane-ing is the new redlining.)  As long as you're going to visit someone like the guy above, all you have to do is stick to the bike lanes and eventually you're going to wind up on his street.  Really, you'd have an easier time getting lost on a carousel.

Meanwhile, if you're looking to take up the sport of Carbon Road Bike Bicycle Cycling, reader Omri the Magnificent (as I've just decided to call him) has forwarded me the definitive guide:

First, you'll need a crabon famre:


Then, you'll need some crabon handling bars to steer it with:


Don't forget the saddle:


By the way, you could save yourself about $560 here by cutting the chamois out of your shorts and gluing a pair of plastic rails to it.

Oh, you'll also need a dork-tastic space helment complete with face shield:


As well as a lock, because of course you're an idiot and you're going to leave this five-figure lump of plastic outside:


When you're all finished, you'll have a $20,000 bike:


By the looks of things, the Stanley Wiggins-inspired British Fred Boom is going to be even dorkier than the American Lance Armstrong-inspired Fred Boom--and at least twice as expensive.  I also imagine there will be a lot of disappointed Brit-Freds in space helmets riding home on Boris Bikes after their $20,000 lumps of crabon get stolen when they lock them up outside.

Fortunately, the face shields will hide their tears.

Speaking of Boris Bikes, you may have heard that our own Bloomie Bikes are being delayed until next year:

As for the reason for the holdup, good luck deciphering all the technical jargon:

“The software doesn’t work,” the mayor said. “Duh.”

I'm glad to see that "Duh" finally qualifies as an official excuse when it comes to municipal matters.  Maybe next year I can just scrawl the word "Duh" on my tax return and enclose forty-seven cents.

In the meantime, if you're visiting New York City and you'd like to have access to a bicycle while you're in town, you can always use something called Splinster:


Let's say you want to experience the thrill of riding around the city on a genuine fixed-gear fixiebike.  Well, just enter the appropriate search parameters and you'll be annoying pedestrians in no time:


You get a bike, the owner gets his weed money, and it would appear that everybody wins.  Then, you get to leave reviews like this:

And like this:


There's even a theft guarantee:

The Spinlister Guarantee

We want you to be comfortable listing your bike on Spinlister. That's why we're guaranteeing your bike's safety on our system. If your bike is damaged or stolen during a rental period and the renter is unable to reimburse you for the fair value of your bike, we'll cover the cost up to $5000. And we'll buy you a cake.

That's why I'm putting my "Beloved" on Splinster:


I bought my "Beloved" for $4,895, conveniently just below Splinster's $5,000 reimbursement ceiling.  Here's the receipt:


The way it's going to work is, you're going to rent my "Beloved."  Then it's going to get "stolen," and you're going to be "unable" to reimburse me.  So, Splinster is going to give me $4,895.

And, for your troubles, I'll give you the cake.

If you're wondering why there isn't more in it for you, it's because I have overhead.  For example, I'm going to need at least a few hundred from that $4,895 in order to buy more "Beloveds" from Performance.  I figure that once I've got five or ten "Beloveds" in circulation I'll be able to retire before New York City finally gets the bike share program up and running.  Then I can finally buy that hoverbike I've always wanted:


The best thing about a hoverbike is it's much harder to get "doored:"


got doored by a runaway taxi - 24 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-21, 2:37AM EDT

I was riding my bike on 84th on thursday. I was turning onto 3rd ave when a guy opened his door and i ran into it. 

I was shirtless, if you saw this and had the good sense to check the taxi plate. could you let me know?

I got right up, i thought i was fine, but it was just adrenaline. I fucked my shit up. The Taxi drove off. I would like to sue his ass. not in a bad way. But ive payed 150 in co-pays alone. my iPod broke on the door and my bike needs work. 


Plus i had to skip some gigs i was supposed to play since my shoulder is in a sling. actually i might as well put a plug in for the gig ill play this thursday. this is more about the taxi though. 

Left Field Bar. Lower east side. 5 dollar cover. Thursday night, doors at 7. say you're there for Swerve. 


If you saw the Cab. and the long haired shirtless guy getting doored by it....please email me 




That's how you turn a misfortune into an opportunity.

71 comments:

Anonymous said...

First

Blog Drafer said...

Get out!

ce said...

G'mornafterning!

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

BOOSH!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA never left a comment before but I beat all you bitches!! HAHAHAHA

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

SON of a BITCH

ce said...

HAHAHAHA nope

ringcycles said...

"Oh where can I find a bicycle repairman?!?"

Anonymous said...

late

cycle

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA yep--that's me up top. Sucka.

Фofonov said...

Kinky malinky!

ce said...

HAHA HA Ha ha, er

Anonymous said...

fjksdfsfjhs fsjkfjsk jfskfls lsdlsdlskdlskdlskdlsklskdlskdlskdlskdlskdlvnnmvmdfnsmfnsknc.

Kenny Banya said...

delayed and confused

Jimboner said...

Duh.

le Correcteur said...

top twenty; unread; first 15 are fast!

Rollie said...

Long-haired shirtless musician? CHRIS CORNELL AGAIN?!

crosspalms said...

Does the Blue Lady Killer come with one of those Stradalli models?

Anonymous said...

He calls himself "Swerve"? Isn't that a bit ironic for the guy that just got doored?

Anonymous said...

I just put a new $20 handlebar on my bike. Now I know why I am so slow- I should have spent $650 for a proper handlebar.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I spent three years in GB (1 in Glasgow, 2 in London), and the guys there are absolute maniac bike consumers.

They buy ridiculously expensive bikes (and locks) to go to work.
I was amazed by the importance this takes in their lives.
If you think USA is the land of Fred, think again: UK is THE Fred!

(Btw: When I was there, bikes cost as much as double the US (or Canadian) price. So a good way to make quick cash is to sell your old bike the same price (or more) you paid for it in USA/Canada. And they still think they had a good deal! It is wonderful.)

God save the Queen, and excuse my english. Or pardon my french.

Gaffer Smythe said...


I'm glad to see that "Duh" finally qualifies as an official excuse when it comes to municipal matters. Maybe next year I can just scrawl the word "Duh" on my tax return and enclose forty-seven cents.


Yes to this!

babble on said...

You want to leave Brooklyn to the Duh-mmies?!

Anonymous said...

"your'e supposed to be my smart phone!"

Leave. Leave now.

I am an engineering engine said...

Hoverbike my ass, that is a hover minivan.

leroy said...

My dog wishes to apologize in advance for misplacing the Morton Beloved he's going to rent on Spinlister.

Honestly, he takes the cake.

Anonymous Coward said...

Mayor Bloomberg apparently needs to call up Sir Topham Hatt to sort that city bike stuff out. Useful engines indeed.

g-roc said...

Long haired shirtless guy won't find any witnesses unless he starts referring himself as long haired shirtless girl - check out those moobs.

PS - I'm selling a spinlister-english dictionary for only $199, and I'll even fill it with Snapple.

Charles said...

Wow, I was ready to offer a snide comment about Zipcar for old bikes, and then saw this:

https://www.spinlister.com/bikes/349

Between the price to rent the bike and the complimentary clothing rental and espresso, I'm speechless......

Anonymous said...

Is there a special name for British Freds? Freddingtons perhaps?

Anonymous said...

Crabon famres are the bset oens.

McFly said...

Tongue-in-cheeks

ce said...

London Fred-O-Rama

McFly said...

Anon 1:11,
"God Save the Queen?", is there something the matter with Elton John?


Anonymous said...

Losers. They misspelled helment.

McFly said...

Oh man I bet Josie had a Flatbush after being lost for so long.

I gots jokes.

mikeweb said...

If following Sebastian's advice about a front brake when riding 'free spin' style, then any blue bike can potentially be a blue lady killer. Literally.

Those Daily News headlines don't write themselves you know.

Anonymous said...

It's silly to compare your Performance fixie to a Beloved. Well other than they both aren't carbon.

grog said...

Visited the carousel on chelsea pier. got lost on it.
thank you.

tongue-in-cheek=scranus-tickling

Anonymous said...

Wasn't Sphincster the bike share program shut down by Metallica?

mikeweb said...

I think Sphincster was different kind of share service that was part of the plot in season 3 of 'Oz'.

Buffalo Bill said...

that's not rock

Etherhuffer said...

Recumbabe! Juche!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Carbon douche print.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Them fools be swervin

ringcycles said...

Can someone help me figure out what the bike twit fits out the Condor with that costs an additional $14,850? I know I'm not a British financier, but seems like a lot of money for a drivetrain, wheels, and pedals. Or does that include a complete Rapha wardrobe too? That would explain it. never mind.

Anonymous said...

I guess he was not in the band Swerve.

Anonymous said...

bike lanes are the new redlining? bike lanes in Boston all seem to go through the most ghetto neighborhoods.

one of the first on-street lanes was on blue hill ave.

http://thephoenix.com/boston/news/110310-new-combat-zone/

Anonymous said...

If that d-bag from Swerve had simply swerved he wouldn't have gotten doored.

luciferyellow said...

So you spend all that money on super lightweight carbon components and a super aerodynamic teardrop helment for an incredible gain in weight and aerodynamics, but then you have to carry around a lock that weighs 5kg?

luciferyellow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DerZoots said...

A guy in a band named Swerve couldn't avoid a cab door, which one should ALWAYS expect. He is in the wrong band for sure.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Hehehe - that idiot lady got a flat

Quilled and Lugged said...

Snob, when you say "If you're wondering why there isn't more in it for you, it's because I have overhead"
- overhead what? Overhead power cables?
If you mean financial obligations, they usually travel in packs.

Dooth said...

THE POETRY OF CRAIG'S LIST

got doored by a runaway taxi

I was shirtless

got right back up

but that was adrenaline

my shit was fucked up



Anonymous said...

I rented a shmixtie while visiting

What is a shmixtie? Mixte + (3 speed sturmy archer that doesn'tshift)

McFly said...

I cannot believe Todd Gugolski's nickname is "Gogo" when "The Great Googlie Mooglie" is sitting right there for the taking. I would start calling myself that even if no one else would. Even referring to myself in the 3rd person.

"The Great Googlie Mooglie likes Elaine."

JDH said...

SNOB! You misspelled Crabon. Second paragraph.

the ghost of the honourable thomas simpson esq said...

editor of the snobbly times:
sir,
i believe that the correct term for english 'freds' would be sir fredly freddington of freddington hall.
yours pedantically
the ghost of the honourable thomas simpson esq.

the ghost of the honourable thomas simpson esq said...

ps. i most firmly believe that all grand tours and classics, indeed all bike races of any kind, including fredly ones, should in future be ridden exclusively on boris bikes.
but not triathlons. they would not be able to handle them with the required dexterity.
i remain, sir, yours most faithfully
the ghost of the honourable thomas simpson esq

Christian Vandevelde said...

I got nothing.

Anonymous said...

WCRM,
Some interesting material fro you this morning in Cyclingnews.com:

Zabriskie, Vaughters on the job of suffering:
http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/zabriskie-getting-the-job-done-at-usa-pro-cycling-challenge

(Sorry, no time to html this link)

Anonymous said...

Better yet, go to THE CHIVE and check out IT'S WEDNESDAY, BEAR WITH ME collage. Worksafe bike porn, lots of it.

mr. wookie said...

my hovercraft is full of artisanal eels

New York Grouch said...

The future racial riots should purge Brooklyn of those "Brooklynites" in the video.

Anonymous said...

B.S. You do realize that the difference between front load and back load don't you? Talk about not being able to find your package with both hands.

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Anonymous said...

(big city episode 1)
....straight against traffic on Marcy,

and hopefully you'll get run over by a sanitation truck.

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