Thursday, July 26, 2012

When Hobbies Attack: Testing 1,2,3

Yesterday was a beautiful day in New York City, so I decided to head down to the Union Square Greenmarket to buy some fresh locally-grown herbs since I enjoy nothing more than preparing lavish meals in the chef's kitchen of my loft apartment.  Leashing up Lassie, I picked up some heirloom tomatoes and some cilantro.  On the way back home, the sidewalk was a bit crowded, but fortunately the city has recently installed these big wide "auxiliary sidewalks" just for people like me:


(Lassie and me on the way home from the Greenmarket, as photographed by one of those two-wheeled menaces.)

Sockless and happy, I bounded along in my loafers, savoring all that extra elbow room.  Unfortunately, these entitled cyclists seem to think the "auxiliary sidewalks" are "bike lanes," just because they have pictures of bicycles painted on them and have big signs that say "bike lane" right next to them at every corner.  Still, I refuse to cede an inch.  Instead, I just keep walking and stare the cyclists down from behind my Ray-Bans, and then vent my frustration by leaving angry comments on cycling-related articles in the New York Times.

Speaking of New York City cyclists and their inflated sense of self-importance, the fallout from "Fondogate" continues, and mere days after a 45-year-old amateur was caught cheating at Fred riding the local racing club is now implementing a real-live drug testing program:



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


Champion System p/b Stan’s NoTubes cycling team helps CRCA fund new testing program. Call for others to help fight doping too.

New York City, NY (FPRC), July 25th , 2012 – Following the news of positive drug tests at the 2012 Gran Fondo New York, the Champion System p/b Stan’s NoTubes cycling team has pledged a $5,000 donation to the CRCA with the stipulation that the money be used to fund a testing program.

 “The cost of testing is very expensive, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for inaction. We would like to see testing at CRCA events and we’re ready to help fund this,” said managing director Igor Volshteyn. “While we are disappointed by the recent news, we believe the stark reality highlighted by these positive tests is exactly what we need to finally mobilize our community and take firm and decisive action against doping together… something we frankly should have done a long time ago.”


New York City's amateur bike racers have long been on the forefront of taking themselves seriously and so this is the logical next step.  Sure, testing a bunch of hobbyists for performance-enhancing drugs is a lot like calling the IRS to audit your Monopoly games, but when you've already got the equipment and the uniforms and the coaching programs and the high-definition finish line camera for the race where you win a turkey and you've upgraded every single component it's possible to upgrade then buying yourself a comprehensive drug testing program is really all that's left.  In any case, to my knowledge this is the furthest any amateur racing club has inserted its helmet up its own posterior, which puts them deep in uncharted "waters"--though it should all be worth it when the person who places third in the "B" race tests positive for THC.

Of course, if you don't want to join a bicycle riding club that requires you to pee-pee in a cup and notify them when you leave town for vacation, you can always take part in rides like the "Bicycle Blitz Through Staten Island"--which I'd never even heard from until I received an email that it had been cancelled due to exhaustion:


SORRY GANG. We just dont have the energy to pull this one off. Stay tuned for the next free tour coming up in august - the Bike the Boro Border Bike Ride! 

Not enough energy, huh?  They really ought to try performance-enhancing drugs.

But while it's one thing to make light of doping amateurs, there are other aspects of cycling that deserve more serious treatment, and to underscore that seriousness I ask that you please listen to the theme song from the 1983 film "Terms of Endearment:"



Damn that Flap, he didn't know what he had until it was gone!

Anyway, the serious cycling subject I'm referring to is the bicycle cycling road cycling bicycle race of the Games of the XXX Olympiad:


("Wiggins Rings," or "Wigg-Os," hand-designed by You-Know-Who.)

Now, I don't believe in policing the comments section of this blog.  However, yesterday I couldn't help noticing some disrespectful references to the parcours, such as this one:


McFly said...


Has anyone taken a glance at the Olympic Route Map? They go through a place called Bushy Park, Dorking, and Box Hill. I predict very high attrition in that race. Major abandonment.


July 25, 2012 1:23 PM


Firstly, off-color sexual references are an affront to the spirit of the Olympic Games, which began over 2,000 years ago when a bunch of muscular Greek men decided to run around naked together.  Secondly, it is wrong to mock the host nation and laugh at its culture, even if their ways are quaint and backwards and seems incredibly silly to us.  The fact is that English culture is dozens of years older than our own, and to laugh at their place names is to reveal your ignorance.  So let's take a little tour around the race route and set a few things straight:



1) "Box Hill" is not British slang for the female mons pubis;
2) "Leatherhead" is not a cruising spot for men who are into "rough trade;"
3) "Headley Heath" has nothing to do with Heath Ledger's character "Brokeback Mountain;"
4) "Dorking" is a place, not a verb, and the "Dorking cockerel" is not in any way lewd.  All it is is a statue of a big, fat cock:


Most importantly, please refrain from making throat-clearing sounds when the announcers refer to the feed zone in Bushy Park, or from laughing when Fofonov "gets off" in Woking to "answer the call of nature."

"XXX Olympiad" indeed.

Anyway, if we keep all of these things in mind, we may just be able to keep a straight face until the very last rider  crosses the line in Vaginae or wherever it is they finish.  After all, nobody's more dignified than the British, which is why Bradley Wiggins only issues forth tasteful Tweets like this:

Even in 2012, it's good to see that cycling remains a wanking working man's sport.

111 comments:

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!!

Anonymous said...

Farrar!

dcdouglas said...

podium (3rd_?

Anonymous said...

Podium. Herbal Remedy.

Big Fat Daddy said...

This whole "scandal"-gate nomenclature has GOT to STOP.

It was the Watergate Scandal because it was at the Watergate Hotel!

Labeling new scandals "scandal"-gate is just dumb.

Sheesh.

Anonymous said...

What, like 5?

Well, I swan.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

top diez!

Anonymous said...

TOOOOOP TEEEEN

Anonymous said...

who doesn't have the energy to pull one off?

singlespeedwaster said...

Top ten! Woohoo!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Big Fat Daddy,

I agree, hopefully "Gratuitous Gate Suffix-gate" will be the wake-up call the media needs to stop this annoying practice. After that we can work to combat putting "-aholic" after everything.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

here

cycle

McFly said...

It's pronounced Root Map....

Marcel Da Chump said...

Vangelis?

Anonymous said...

Top XX ??

There is a rather scandalous ahem...."lorry stop" near Ockham/Ripley....

Anonymous said...

Just back. Lovely ride. No dope.

David said...

Snobby, I love your commentary on the NYC bike lanes... er, "Lassie lanes". I am a mild-mannered middle-aged drudge working at a mid-town office job. I commute by bike mostly because it's the only way I've found to pry myself out of doors for at least a small portion of the day. Plus, I like riding a bike.

Anyway, since the marquee bike lanes have come arrived on 1st & 2nd Aves, I don't know whether to love 'em or hate 'em. They are so full people wandering around, cluelessly stepping off the sidewalk, or just crowding the lane while waiting for the light to change that I often just avoid them altogether, instead opting to ride in traffic. Which is fine, I guess, but it defeats the purpose of bike lanes and reinforces the insane but apparently captivating idea that they are just extended sidewalks in the first place.

This morning, though, on my ride into work I came across some poor sod who had been stopped by NYPD --- they were in the process of writing him a ticket for not riding in the bike lane. And on the very next block there was a truck squarely blocking the lane, and of course the usual people wandering too and fro, drinking their Red Bulls and yacking on cell phones....

Anyway, thanks for a great post. But please never ask me to listen to the theme to "Terms of Endearment" again.

Big Fat Daddy said...

YAY! A response from the mildly-famous Rock Machine himself just adds the cherry to the ice cream sundae that is my day today!

If you think you feel good, you should feel me!

g-roc said...

McFly, congrats, you're famous now. Shot out of the comments section and hanging precariously, almost dripping off the blog post.

Anonymous said...

Were you really picking up "locally-grown herbs" or is that just code for Wednesday Weed?

McFly said...

Yeah but Anonymous is still leading the validation poles with like 16,821 shout outs.

Anonymous said...

If ride is hard~HTFU
If life is hard~smoke weed

Fred Nifacent said...

Wigg-O's - sounds like a breakfast cereal or the opening act for Raffi.

RB1 said...

.. I bounded along in my loafers ...
Didn't Walt Whitman write 'I abound in my loafers ' ? Was that the quote you were after ?

All The Black People In Portland said...

I love how in the CRCA Cat IV Turkey finish, the winner 'throws' his bike...

Even though he's ahead by a couple bike lengths.

Better safe than sorry or maybe his internet coach didn't teach him right.

Anonymous said...

Snobster- some of the photos have not been viewable for the last couple of days. I have tried in Firefox and IE?

Within a post, some work (can be seen) and some do not. Has something changed? I am loosing it?

Anonymous said...

I think that Dorking may be a word from The Meaning of Liff; if not, it's bound to be in Roger's Profanisaurus.

I liked < calling the IRS to audit your Monopoly games >.

hey nonny mouse

Etherhuffer said...

Wednesday Weed: Breakast of Champions. Albeit sleepy ones...

Coney Island Hinault said...

From now on, I'm going to carry loafers in my jersey pocket so I don't have to walk barefoot having flatted on CRABON tubulars in Prospect.

Thanks for the inspiration, Snob!

Anonymous said...

I think cilantro is overused and in my other opinion it tastes of soap

ICSMB
instagram can suck my balls

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That chick in the crosswalk next to lassie much shop for clothes at the same place as David Byrne.

Buffalo Bill said...

Impressive form displayed by the guy sprinting for 23rd place in that video.

Anonymous said...

As silly as dope-testing for recreational riding obviously is, is it due to the Gran fondo New York being an official qualifier for the UCI World Cycling Tour? I don't have the energy to verify.

Anonymous said...

"Dorking" is exactly what it suggests: dorks docking their docks togaydor.

Bike-a-cycle-aholic said...

Farrararar finished a little to high in the field today. Test 'em!

mikeweb said...

Is "Dorking" anything like "Cottaging"?

I'm familiar with the term because I like to watch British comedy programmes on the telly.

No, really, that's the reason.

CILA NTRO said...

Anonymous 1:00 has the cilantro-hater gene.

Poor feller(?).

Anonymous said...

Tilford opines sagely on the subject of doping; "Greatness happens all the time in sport, but drugs make those special moments meaningless."

Anonymous said...

Bark lane?

Dooth said...

Cunts of Endearment.

Murph the Austrailian Flintstone said...

Yabbies ...

Dabbies ...

Doobies!

wishiwasmerckx said...

RB1, I believe the saying is "He's a little light in the loafers..."

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Tommi I forgot me last name said...

Tilford opines sagely on the subject of doping; "Greatness happens all the time in sport, but drugs make those special moments meaningless."

What better reason to smoke (or vaporize) it?

wishiwasmerckx said...

On the subject of the Olympic road race, I have given extensive study to both the routemap and the startlist, and this particular course is ideally suited for the unique talents of Turkey's Ahmet Akdylek.

I'm now off to Ladbrokes to lay off some action.

Just remember that you heard it here first!

FR8 said...

Re Lassie Lanes: I've noticed people in Central Park deliberately walking in the relocated westbound bike lane on the 72nd cross-over (which is pretty close to the middle of the road)because, it seems to me, they think they have too. Maybe they were ticketed by the NYPD for walking on the sidewalk. And don't get me started on the joggers or should I say jigglers?

Anonymous said...

a day late, but how about tube of shit instead of tub of shit?

McFly said...

My Olympic Race Program states that the field will be neutralized until it peels off of Hot Beef Injection Ave., or when Peta Todd peels off her translucent white blouse. Whichever comes first.

g-roc said...

Anon 1:06, I seem to recall, from what little I read about my local Fondo(s), you can sign up as a pro or a Fred. If the pro's are being tested, fine. If the Fred's are being tested too, Snob's onto something. But I'm too clean to check too, so let the speculation continue.

Anonymous said...

Isn't paul weller from Woking?

anony puss said...

Aren't there STAR WARS characters called Woking?

Salty and Sore said...

[nerd]
Anon 12:48-

Sounds like you may be on a private/corporate network. Yes? The images all work fine, but some link out to a separate site that may not be allowed by your proxy settings.

It's either the nature of the site (in which case, you're being screwed by the man), or the nature of the link (in which case, you're screwing with your own head by the browser options you've allowed).
[/nerd]

JB said...

I hope they tested that turkey for organicicity and free-rangedness.

JB said...

Also, it makes me feel a bit better about living in the midwest when I see random shots of NY streets and they look just as schlubby. Although, maybe those pictured are just tourists from the midwest; however, so are some NYers.

Vegas said...

Darn Gateaholics.

And what's wrong with doping for fondo? I need to get my money's worth stuffing those bits of melted-cheese-dipped sumtuousness into my piehole.

Quilled and Lugged said...

McFly, take it from me, once you've been featured 'above the fold', life is just one long smug-fest. Or should that be smeg-fist?

And anon 3:12 - Paul Weller was indeed from Woking. About the most exciting thing that ever happened there. I doubt he goes back too oftne.

Anonymous said...

Put the sunglasses on the Collie and you have backwoods country hipster.

Anonymous said...

Fred Nifacent @12:28

Either way, I'm in!

Anonymous said...

Do you find this tweet from David Millar as confusing as I do?

Forgot how funny dinner with @bradwiggins can be. Some of his impressions have been refined to a masterly level. One now requires only mime.

Jasper said...

It means that Bradley is good at doing impressions of people. He doesn't even need to impersonate someone's voice in one case; presumably he is catching the mannerisms accurately.
British humour - lost on Yanks again...

Loco NewYawk local said...

That bike lane pictured is on Broadway in the teens. Pre-bike lanes, it was a bike super-highway. The mayor's plan is to slow cars and bikes, but the pedestrians need to get with the program. Obey the traffic laws! You self-centered walking zombies!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:26pm,

Perhaps this video of the dinner will clarify things.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

henryinamsterdam said...

Hey I actually won that Central Park turkey in 1980 and was damn proud to bring it back to my folks that afternoon. I had just turned 14 and won the turkey in the Junior category race, age 15-17. Fuck it, I'm still proud of that minuscule victory.

But here in Old Amsterdam we also have to contend with people stepping into bike lanes. They're called "tourists" and they sometimes get mowed down by packs of child portaging moms on omafietsen. Then they get yelled at for getting in the way.

Folks who walk in NY bike lanes should be sentenced to walking a block in an Amsterdam bike lane. They'll be cured of the habit. They might even develop a bike bell phobia.

Bobby said...

Wiggo missed the details on the Hand Relief photo. That's for sprinters.

The rouleurs know better, they use Rapha Winter Embrocation, much better indeed.

I thought the London map would be better with all the pubs marked out along the course. Just sayin'

McFly said...

"Above the Fold"....AKA....Vaginal Shoreline. Well trodden path, my moccasins are moist.

Peter S. Weller said...

That Mike Caine schtick is rich, rich I tell you.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...Leashing up Lassie..."...

...hmmm...is that a euphemism ???...

...hey, just askin'...

ashcroftchops said...

I shall be riding my British built brompton folding bicycle through the quiet streets of Esprick which is a lovely Northern English village. You wanks, sorry, I mean yanks should google it. It really exists. The locals are not known as pricks I hasten to add!

Grump said...

"New York City, NY (FPRC), July 25th , 2012 – Following the news of positive drug tests at the 2012 Gran Fondo New York, the Champion System p/b Stan’s NoTubes cycling team has pledged a $5,000 donation to the CRCA with the stipulation that the money be used to fund a testing program."



Didn't Armstrong get in trouble for that sort of "donation" ????

(at least he did on "some" cycling forums)
.
.

bikesgonewild said...

...grump...i believe armstrong's check stipulated the proceeds were to go to "...mediterranean cruises for heinnie v..."...

...i 'could' be wrong though...

islaysteve said...

@ McFly 5:04PM Jees McFly, I bow down, frikkin funny.

Anonymous said...

"Sure, testing a bunch of hobbyists for performance-enhancing drugs is a lot like calling the IRS to audit your Monopoly games," Yup, why the hell does an amateur ride need this ? It's amateur ... anyone cheating is an idiot, but, well, who cares ?

Quilled and Lugged said...

He certainly gave the phrase a different spin to what I was meaning, but coming from McFly, I should have known. Moist moccasins = more clit stomping I guess.

Anonymous said...

Why do amateurs dope?
Why do amateurs take viagra?
Because it fucking feels good to hammer like you're 19 years old. It's as simple as that.
Winning isn't part of the equation. It just feeeels good.
Trust me. It feels really good to be young again.

Phil Liggett said...

"And the pack is coming into Bushy Part Paul...."

Paul: "Ah yes Phil, Bushy Part, I spent a month there one night."

Poppy Fields said...

Why do BSNYC followers dope (weed, alcohol, caffeine, meds) before reading?
Because it's fun!

Anonymous said...

ponspondeetoons

Bruce Foxton said...

I be from Woking too ya wankers!

Anonymous said...

Please take Mitt Romney back - it's depressing enough here without his comments!

Le Trolleur said...

Post wuz funier than the comments today. Is anyone else sick of Kenny's schtick?

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A COMMENT BECOMES UBER-REPETITIVE!

mikeweb said...

Hey, Kenny's got nothing on the long silent Pontius Pilate in the repetitive department.

Esprick sounds like a serious medical condition. I would have that checked out if I were you.

Paul Wellaa said...

Bruce, yeah, and you were a good bass player and all, and didn't look too stupid in those skinny jeans, but I was the one with all the talent.
Oh, and I was rocking Fred Perry shirts long before a certain Mr Wiggins.

kindof abigdeal said...

Dorking!

Last thing? Never! What about purchasing medical advice and masking agents to beat the doping control? The cross country tour with a lawyer explaining why your positive result was wrong? The fundraising!!!

Anonymous said...

The Olympic road race goes quite close to Virginia Water too. *snigger*

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