In the wake of incessant doping questioning, Bradley Wiggins has finally authored an articulate response in The Guardian, which you probably shouldn't visit if you're one of those spoiler-phobes, because it's 2012 and newspapers now like to publish sporting news that's less than 24 hours old on their websites:
Meanwhile, yesterday skinhead clothiers Fred Perry announced a "collabo" with the Tour de France leader (or at least he was the Tour de France leader as of yesterday, I'm not saying whether or not he's still leading it today since that would be a spoiler):
(Oscar-winning actor Adrian Brody dons an obvious mod wig to model the new Wiggins shirt.)
Sure, Bradley Wiggins may have hair (and pretty funny-looking hair at that), but he does like to overturn tables and say "cunt" a lot, and this new venture is sure to put the "labia" in "collaboration:"
We're excited to announce that the first pieces from the Bradley Wiggins X Fred Perry Collaboration are available online and in selected Authentic shops as of today. The launch marks the start of a 6 season collaboration with the Olympic cyclist and mod enthusiast, who also happens to be the current Tour de France leader - go Wiggo!
I was particularly intrigued by the "Bradley stripe:"
The unique slim fit cotton pique shirt is finished with ‘GB tape’ around the neckline, retro metal zips, single zipped pocket to the rear hem and an especially designed ‘Bradley stripe’ around the tip of the sleeves.
Boldly, Wiggins seems to have taken credit for designing the UCI World Champion stripes and then renamed them after himself, which is just the sort of audacity you need to become a Tour de France winner-cum-fashion designer. (Assuming Bradley Wiggins hasn't crashed out of the Tour de France after colliding with a spectator dressed as a gigantic vagina, I'm not saying whether he did or he didn't, because that would be a spoiler.) Anyway, just to recap, here are the new terms for the sporting insignias and accolades Bradley Wiggins has retroactively designed:
"The Bradley Marc Wiggins Gilded Cunt Of Glory"
("Gold Cunt Fever: Catch It!")
Speaking of sports, a reader forwarded me the following article about pickup basketball:
Mostly because there's a tangential mention of bicycles and Portland:
The beat-up Raleigh, with derailleurs missing teeth, causes me to lurch when I pedal, but it is the best way to find courts. I typically put my sneakers, ball and water bottle into a backpack, strap on a helmet and head in a general direction.
Biking in New York is an adjustment from Portland, Ore., where I went to college. In Portland, bike lanes are plentiful and drivers almost always expect bicyclists to be nearby. In New York, there are more obstacles on the streets than in a game of Mario Kart. I’ve had to dodge opening car doors, gushing fire hydrants, texting pedestrians and bikers going the wrong way on one-way streets like vehicular spawning salmon.
Before you even make it to the courts, it’s as if you have been fouled a thousand times.
I actually enjoyed the article, partially because I know nothing about basketball and it was an interesting perspective, and partially because as someone who knows nothing about basketball the associated jargon sounds incredibly dirty to me:
In Brooklyn, I check a map, look for green spots, and within half an hour I am sweaty and shooting.
My street vernacular is a little rusty, but as far as I can tell this means he was looking for places to buy marijuana and ended up engaged in anonymous sex. And I'm not even going to touch this one:
I channeled my inner Kevin Garnett and got right up into Butters with my body.
I'm sure if you're a basketball fan that doesn't even register, but after reading that I felt like taking a shower. It's almost as bad as this:
A reader sent me this because there's a picture of
From what I can tell, "Hunter's Plan" sounds like it might involve some city-slickers going on a rafting trip and then having a graphic encounter with some hillbillies.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll be spoiled in a good way, and if you're wrong you may or may not see a spoiler.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if your ride makes you burn and drool, you should probably put a saddle on your bike.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(Hangman à la Wiggo)
1) Which is the correct sequence for the obscenities contained in Bradley Wiggins's controversial "Cuntgate" outburst?
2) In West Vancouver, Canada, traffic safety groups have attempted to calm traffic by employing:
3) Author Martin Amis has decamped Brooklyn for Queens in search of better spondee.
4) Hugging, smugging, and homogeneity. Just another day in:
5) Holding a press conference in a bike lane. Just another day in:
--New York City
--New York City
--New York City
--New York City
6) According to the NYPD, as a priority, the safety of cyclists in Central Park ranks just below the safety of:
7) Fixed-gear conversion is out; ____________________ is in.
--Derailleur gear conversion
--Coaster brake conversion
--SPD sneaker conversion
***Special 48-Hour-Old-Spoiler-Themed Bonus Question***
Read no further if you are two days behind on your Tour de France coverage and have been attempting to maintain life in a media-free bubble
(Thomas Voeckler, winner of Stage 10 of the 2012 Tour de France, clenches a fist in celebration of having just won Stage 10 of the 2012 Tour de France)
Who won Stage 10 of the Tour de France?