Thursday, June 7, 2012

Memories of Vancouver: All You Haters Taste My Rainbow

Did you know that there's still such a thing as local network TV news?  Well, it's true.  Naturally, I'd just assumed it had gone the way of rotary phones and VCRs, but amazingly it's still on--and with many of the same anchorpeople and weather doofuses I remember from back in the rotary phone days!  I know this because I found myself watching the local news last night, and there was a hard-hitting story about how "Curb Your Enthusiasm" star and creator Larry David stole a bike:

Around 5:00 p.m. May 26, a service-entry camera captured a balding, middle-aged man dragging a green ladder out of the building and up to a roughly ten-foot pole with a bicycle locked to it. Balancing on the steps of the ladder, the man can be seen hauling the cycle up and over the top of the pole, then dropping it to the ground.


The man then calmly folds up the ladder, returns it to the building and walks off with the bike on his shoulder.

Actually, they don't say it's Larry David, but he certainly fits the description.  (Then again, so do I, but I know I didn't steal the bike because at 5:00pm on May 26th I was at my lawyer's office discussing a lawsuit against the adult entertainment company that released my helper monkey Vito's sex tape.)  Here's shocking video of the event:

 
I know what you're thinking: "How can a man climb a ladder and steal a bike in New York City in broad daylight without a single person stopping and offering to hold the ladder steady for him?"  I couldn't agree more, and there was a time back in the rotary phone days when New Yorkers looked out for middle-aged balding men and offered to lend a hand so that they wouldn't fall down and break a hip.  In any case, we're living in cruel times, and I'm sure Dutch city bike enthusiasts will step in and say this is yet another reason why we should all be riding around on bikes that weigh like 75lbs.

Meanwhile, speaking of local news and the olden days, they say that print is dead and that smartphones are responsible for an epidemic of distracted driving.  Well, it turns out that the old-fashioned newspaper is still alive and well, and it can be just as engrossing as your smartphone or tablet--especially if you drive a train for the busiest commuter railway in the United States:


View more videos at: http://nbcnewyork.com.

But don't worry, because the MTA is addressing the problem:

The MTA said in a statement that "reading anything, texting or using cell phones while operating a train is obviously not acceptable. Metro-North will take action to ensure this does not happen again."

They don't say what this "action" will entail, but I suspect it will involve immobilizing the driver's head with duct tape:


This photo is the amateur bike racing equivalent of a Faces of Meth "after" picture, and the CPSC really should mandate that it be placed as a warning sticker on all crabon fiber bicycles.  It would certainly do a whole lot more good than those stupid "lawyer tabs."

So what's the opposite of a revolting photograph of a decrepit and duct-taped Fred in the advanced stages of cycling-induced delusion?  A pretty picture of a rainbow!  Here's one that I saw yesterday evening just after I finished duct-taping my head into place for the 30-minute ride home:


(If you squint you can kind of see it.)

Rainbows are a powerful symbol in our culture.  For example, did you know that in hipster mythology the Supreme Being rides a fixiebike, and that's why they call rainbows "God's Skidmarks?"  Well, it's true!  Also, obviously the rainbow flag is a symbol of gay pride, and while some people are under the misapprehension that it's meant to convey the ideals of diversity and inclusiveness, it's actually supposed to represent the many hues of blood which will gush forth from the severed arteries of their enemies when they finally start the revolution.

Anyway, as I stared at the rainbow softly drooling to myself, I thought back to the last time I saw a rainbow, which was during my BRA in Vancouver, British Canadia.  In fact, I actually stopped mid-BRA to photograph it:


Here's a closer look:


In every city, there's always one moment that gives you sudden insight into the character of it's people.  In Vancouver, this moment occurred when I said, "Look, a rainbow!," and someone in the audience replied, "Is it a double rainbow?"  That's when I realized that I was dealing with a populace so pampered and spoiled by natural beauty that they can't even be bothered to turn their heads for a single rainbow.  "Pffff.  Single rainbow.  We don't even look at those," they might as well have said.  I suppose if I had seen a killer whale they'd have said, "Well is it waterskiing while being fellated by a dolphin?  'Cause if it's not I don't care."  It kind of makes you sick that people like this get free health care, while honest Americans who actually need it because we can't stop shooting each other and eating ourselves into diabetic comas get bubkes.

By the way, I did see a killer whale waterskiing while being fellated by a dolphin while I was in Vancouver, and there was also a double rainbow behind them, but I snapped the photo just a second too late:


Of course, when you think about Vancouver you think of stuff like mountain biking, and marijuana, and other kinds of outdoorsy stuff, and marijuana.  You don't really think of culture.  This is true of most cities that lie in regions of great natural beauty, because instead of actually creating stuff they can just smoke marijuana and look at stuff that's already there.  This is what's going on here:


(Nature-jaded Vancouverites just all like "whatever.")

You couldn't even smell the sea for all the Wednesday Weed.

The only problem Vancouverites ever seem to face is when their oddly socialist-looking architecture blocks their view of all the pretty stuff, which is why they ride around on tall bikes.  Unfortunately, they're all so high on the pot that they don't plan ahead for red lights:



Yes, when you're riding in Vancouver always lend a hand to tall bikers lacking in long-term planning skills.  Also, watch out for the dog taxis:


More to the point, watch out for the dogs themselves, because they're always running out into the streets to hail the taxis.  It's also not uncommon for two dogs to fight over one taxi, and here's an example of that I managed to catch on video:



Since they were both headed to the airport I suggested that they just split the fare, but they wouldn't listen to me.

Another thing about Vancouver is that evidently not much happens there, because they put me on the local news.  Here's what it looked like where I was standing:


See, when you write about cycling, local news producers think it's a good idea to make you stand around in a parking lot with your bike instead of inviting you to sit down in a comfy chair with a cup of coffee like they do with normal people.  I'm not sure why I had to be interviewed next to my bike.  Dr. Ruth writes about sex, but I've never seen her being interviewed while receiving cunnilingus.  Also, there was a big hockey game that day, so pretty much everyone in Vancouver was wearing one of these:


(By "one of these" I mean a hockey jersey, not a pair of headphones.)

Yes, in Vancouver they love hockey--or, if you prefer, "bikeless ice polo."  As for me, I'm not even remotely a sports fan, which is why I'm immediately suspicious of non-athletes in sports jerseys.  I kept having visions of suddenly coming down with appendicitis and being rushed to the hospital, where the last thing I'd see before going under was some scalpel-wielding surgeon in a Canucks jersey with Molson on his breath and one eye on the operating room television.  Fortunately, that didn't happen, but I wasn't comforted by the fact that everyone responsible for my flight was wearing one as well:




But while the TV news made me conduct an interview on my bike, the Independent Smugness Media was even worse and made me do an interview while actually riding my bike:


By the way, in the link above you may have noticed the interviewer wrote this:


I discovered that The Bike Snob isn’t nearly as frighteningly acerbic in person as he seems on his blog, though he’s still very funny, and it was a thrill to have a rare sunny day (we prayed heavily) to show him around on his first trip to Vancouver.

What?  Not frighteningly acerbic in person?!?  Well screw you, goddamn it!!!*

*(I must really not be acerbic, because if a Canadian doesn't find you acerbic, you are not acerbic.  To Canadians, "Sesame Street" is acerbic.)


Also, here's what a cameraman looks like when he's forced to work on the back of a cargo bike:


He seemed a bit nonplussed, but not remotely as nonplussed as this person who watched me go pee-pee in the restroom a Vancouver "epic burrito" spot:


It was highly disconcerting, and I had to run the tap for like 14 minutes until I was relaxed enough to go.

Less frightening was the Musette Caffe:


Sure, the socialist architecture that looms over it was kind of scary, but I found the decor entirely soothing:


So soothing in fact that I went pee-pee right where I was standing.

Then we all went for a ride:


Every one of their expressions says, "More killer whales being fellated by dolphins while waterskiing, or Ima fucking kill you."

Finally, lastly, and in closing, I'd just like to let all the shiksehs know that "Hasidic Dude" is still looking, for he has reposted his plea:

Hasidic Dude For Shikseh Bike Riding Partner - m4w - 28 (North Brooklyn)
Date: 2012-06-06, 11:22PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]


Ok, this is not exactly a missed connection to a particular person, but I am a real hasidic dude who is looking for a multi cultural bike riding partner/expiriance. I do like to ride down to Coney Island and fort Tilden and Im sure there's a non religious girl who is wants to have a conversation wih someone totally different and learn a thing or two about he culture. I am down for drinks too, but really the weather is so beautiful and this is te time of year.

It should be obvious to him by now that his ad isn't working, and you'd think that he'd at least clean up his spelling errors, or maybe even add some seductive lines like "I wanna roll you in the sands of Rockaway like a schnitzel on a bed of Kosher sea salt."  Anyway, if this is indicative of how the Hasidim are using the Internet, maybe all those rabbis the other day were right:




In an extraordinary gathering of nearly 60,000 ultra-Orthodox Jews, leading rabbis of the yeshiva and Hassidic world all but banned the Internet.


A halachic decision rendered by Rabbi Shmuel Halevi Wosner, one of the senior rabbis in the Orthodox world, said the Internet could be used for work purposes in an office — but only if absolutely necessary, and with the use of a filter. There was no justification for Internet use at home under any circumstances.

"Yes, but what about using it to find non-Jewish sex partners?," I'm sure Hasidic Dude failed to add.  By the way, as anyone who rides a bike in Brooklyn knows, "work purposes in an office" does implicitly allow for operating a smartphone while driving a minivan.  Also, ironically, at least one attendee at the gathering used the Internet to upload a sick "edit" to YouTube:




He was almost certainly driving at the time.

89 comments:

T said...

Yuuuuup

Paul Bowen said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

PODIUM!!

Chip O'Leany said...

Eating pussy

Spokey said...

back in the 10

singlespeedwaster said...

Top teeeeeeen!

tomt said...

Top X

mikeweb said...

AYHTMD

All you haters taxi my dog.

Captain Hardbread said...

sucking

Chriam said...

Hey Snob,

Here's some stuff that I thought you might find entertaining.

weird pista
http://www.ttvblog.com/2010/07/weird-pista.html


Best of New Orleans Craigslist:
Hipster-ass Hipster Bike for Hipsters
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/2896467643.html

Tired of those boring "dinner and a movie types"?
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1473675020.html

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no

Anonymous said...

Long post. Had to stop reading to comment...

Propagating the myth that the gay revolution will be violent. Shame on you, Snub.

What? Really?

McFly said...

I asked 100 women what the favorite shampoo was and the No. 1 answer was "How the hell did you get in here?"

Anonymous said...

taped head guy looks like a raam rider which would put him far out of the fred zone

thegock said...

PACK FODR

Anonymous said...

listen to your Rabbi

the wisdom of the ages

Anonymous said...

1. McFly. Stop looking at The Chive. You'll go blind.
2. Snob, please pace yourself. Too mucho in that blog post for one day. As the elder BGW would say, Just sayin'...
3. Fellatio and Cunniligus references in one post is too much. Please pace yourself.
4. How random can a cycling blog be? Do you have a great big enormous white board/cork board with strings and shit pinned between all your disparate yet somehow connected connections connecting each other together?
5. Avishai Cohen rocks. That's not as random as it appears.

jno62 said...

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Anonymous said...

podium tedium

Anonymous said...

Dog Taxi?
Kickstarter here I come. I hope I'm not too late!

Anonymous said...

If you need spandex (or duct tape, or padded gloves) to ride a bike, you have been riding too long. In other words, when your butt (or neck, or wrists) starts to hurt, it's time to stop for a beer. Oh I forgot, REAL cycists must suffer PAIN, from over exertion and riding a bike that is inherently uncomfortable. Damn those Dutch: comfortable bikes and great beer; how could they be so wrong for so long!

bikemike said...

wow. 60,000 @ Citi Field? That's more than the Mets EVER draw. (That's why they should have naked female fan days)

I bet the stands smelled like baked ass during that event tho. ewwww.

"These hot dogs better be kosher!"

Anonymous said...

i lost my duct tape and couldn't find the ride.

balls®

dcee604 said...

I'm from Vancouver...so, whatever.

Killer Whale said...

Dolphin Head is nice but there is nothing like skull-fucking a blow hole to get your rocks off. I love the Chive.

Anonymous said...

wow, your embarrassment knows no bounds!

Anonymous said...

Douches wear hockey jerseys. Players wear hockey sweaters.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:54pm,

I don't know, I saw plenty of Lycra-clad cyclists when I was in Amsterdam. The difference seems to be that they can differentiate between utility cycling and recreational cycling, whereas we cannot.

There definitely wasn't anyone wearing duct tape though.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

OBA said...

That head-brace/duct-tape image is an example of a medical fail called "Shermer's Neck" and it's one of the weirdest things that can happen to cyclists who do ultra-distance races.

DerZoots said...

woooooooooooooooooooooEDITZ

Anonymous said...

WRM ya gotta check this hot new ride filming style http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuxvvlkDiUk&feature=youtu.be

Dyke Van Dick said...

Why is it ALWAYS Fred?

What about Frederika?

If I ever get ahold of you Snob you are in for a major pounding.

Ln Wf said...

Suk my Ck Dpsht

Anonymous said...

The duct tape contraction is actually a device that prevents auto-fellation.

It works sort of like one of those lamp shades for dogs.

leroy said...

My dog insists on a limo.

I humor him because he got me that gig modelling for the bike rider symbols re-applied to the new bike lane in Prospect Park earlier this week on the morning of the Jimmy Cliff concert.

My dog sealed the deal by convincing Ms. Sadik-Khan that I was a natural to portray a pasty cyclist splayed on the pavement.

But I draw the line at a stretch Hummer.

My dog doesn't need to look like he's on his way to a suburban prom after-party.

Anonymous said...

Yes on Molson

No on the Cancucks

Go Kings!

Blog Drafter said...

Wow, I didn't know there were that many Hasidic Jews in the world, much less NYC. Thanks for getting me out of my world, Snob. Now excuse me while I dive back into it.

Great post, BTW.

Nadrich law offices said...

Podium!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well kudos to Vito's film crew on the high quality videography. Much better than the usual grainy crap we have to squint at in the other celeb videos.

leroy said...

Blog Drafter: See Robin Williams' performance of a classic joke in The Aristocrats re the number of Hasidim in Williamsburg.

L. H. Fook said...

did you hear about the Pacific Northwest Vietnamese restaurant that had a dog taxi?

g-roc said...

So ... If a rainbow is God's skidmarks ... then the sky is his tunic? Or does God wear underpants. The sky is God's underpants - that's some deep shit, man.

L. H. Fook said...

Gonna get a big dish of Sheltie chow mein ...

Anonymous said...

Good news of LOB and his bounty offerings spread via inter-net. How can be bad thing?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Acerbic tripping.

Twob Rake said...

Disappointed that you rode down the steps in the video. I hate to see anyone do that...

BikingPhysicist said...

In Vancouver, this moment occurred when I said, "Look, a rainbow!," and someone in the audience replied, "Is it a double rainbow?"

Puh-leeze. If you knew optics you'd know there's always a 3rd rainbow, very faint, right around the sun. Block the sun with your thumb and you might see it.

Anonymous said...

Double rainbow:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI

Anonymous said...

what's with the massive backpack in the vancouver interview? girl reporter is cute, i like the way you playfully stole the book from her, you rapscallion.

Anonymous said...

anon 12:54, you lost me at great beer. their belguim neighbors to the south maybe, but dutch beer is pretty limited. also the bikes are not that comfortable, they weight a ton and try standing on the pedals uphill given the upright position.

Anonymous said...

Vancouver looks pretty nice, I think we should Annex it or buy it from the Canadians for a couple cases of Molson and a few hockey jerseys.

bikesgonewild said...

...beware !!!...dog taxis are a front for illegal 'chew toy' smuggling...

...help stop the madness - don't use dog taxis...

...post script - the canucks hockey team sucks...ask any canadian other than a vancouveritianite...

Dooth said...

Wise-cracking? Come on...you're way too effete. Witty, no?

bikesgonewild said...

..."...All You Haters Taste My Rainbow..."...

..."...I did see a killer whale waterskiing while being fellated by a dolphin while I was in Vancouver, and there was also a double rainbow behind them..."
...

...this is like, the gayest post ever...

...(disclaimer) not that there is anything wrong with that...

...i'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

When I lived in Vancouver I heard stories of small dogs getting carried off in the talons of bald eagles on Point Grey. So it's no surprise they go by taxi now. The dogs, I mean.

Anonymous said...

with Molson on his breath

The beer is called Molson's. "Molson" would be, well, Molson. I got a pretty strong notion of what you'd be doing with Molson to get Molson on your breath.

Not that there's anything wrong with that either...

le Correcteur said...

A masterpiece of free association today, WRM.

anon 3:33 said...

I'm wrong. I guess I watched too much Kanadian Korner.

grog said...

You go Vito!
Vito is frighteningly acerbic in person.

mikeweb said...

Is it true that Vito's sex tape was shot surrepticiously by Cipo?

Might explain the choice of soundtrack...

g-roc said...

bgw 3:14 - as someone who's 10km away from being a vancouveritianite, I'd probably agree if I cared.

Oh, and Snob, I would have attended the BRA, but it was, like, a furlong century from my place. Another furlong century home and who knows how far the preBRA ride was. Far too epic a ride for me.

Anonymous said...

3-D! 3-D MOVIE!

Spence said...

Why Bikesnob, Whatever Do You Mean?

Don Cherry said...

Now all you kids out there, don't go riding them bicycle cylces, put on your sweaters and play that hockey game and play tough.

bikesgonewild said...

...g-roc...that's just it, most of the locals don't care & everybody else hates 'em...


...re: the bra...you coulda taken a dog taxi...

Buffalo Bill said...

Even after being embarrassed by Mr. Quick and friends, I still hate the Canucks.

self-obsessed & sexee said...

My version of crazy monkee love is a bit more passionate.

bikesgonewild said...

...thank you, mr bill...if i may call you buffalo, buffalo, you've helped prove my point...

...despite last nights loss, quick & the kings are on quite a roll...at this stage, being a hockey guy, i can't not (to use a double negative) appreciate what they're doing as an 8th seed...

...lord stanley's cup awaits...(but i'm busy on sat-nite so i hope the devils win another & then i can witness the finale next week)...& the cup ceremony is better than any other championship in sports...

Brother Douche said...

The Yankees are goyem.

Tommmy Douche' said...

Dear Cipo,

When Shelunking should I wear a helmet and lamp?

Tommmy Douche' Age 14 V.C. B.C.

Sgt. Douche' R.C.M.P. V.C. B.C. CA said...

Snob,

The dolphins fellatiating the Orcas. Were they male or female?

mikeweb said...

bgw,

Devil fixie.

Can't stop 'quick' enough.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Mikeweb, that cl post was poetry...

Anonymous said...

The beauty of the netherlands is, that you never have to stand on the pedals for hills because, at least from an arm chair international traveller perspective, there just aren't any hills. The only Dutch style bike I've ever ridden was the Electra Amsterdam, which I found to be very comfortable. Check out Bear Bicycles video ad for "bicycles for ladies;" The rider looks VERY comfortable indeed. And so does the bike.

Wm. ShakeDouche' Esq. said...

Snob. I detect grammatical slippage and story continuity mismatches ...

A.Y.H.S.M.Rainbow

Should Be

A.Y.H.S.M.Rainbows

Id I were you I'd have someone double check Vito's proof/continuity reading for I fear the Chimp is pilfering your 'B.C.' BUD stash.

Dennis Hopper said...

Don't forget to put pussy on the Hoppers table. Shit man, my boy's gotta eat too.

Anonymous said...

That many fundamentalists in one place would send shivers up anyone's spine, including g#d hisself.

screaming skull said...

Vito's getting some 'cuz he's a celebrity!

Ricky Bobby said...

With all due respect these comments ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.

Dir Sportif Frederico Douche' said...

Back in the day Arnold Ziffel rode a Cinelli to victory in the 'Tour de LSD'. Arnold is considered the greatest porcine cyclist of all time. Though he had to utilize prosthetic legs in order to power his machine and prosthetic arms to steer Arnold found that a mixture of coke, hash, crank and massive doses of LSD. Arnold and Cipo were constantly in the news. Cipo is quoted as stating "Arnold is one massive pig! Arnold was heavily into the party scene'. The big Ziff' as he prefered to be called met with an unfortunate end when he was mistakenly classified as a normal pig and ended his days being processed at a Jimmy Dean sausage works.

WorthALook said...

http://cheezburger.com/6287074048

Anonymous said...

Picture this if you will:

Zooey Deschanel with the white leg warmers and her head duct taped to something.

bikesgonewild said...

...thanks, google, once again...

helena said...

It has an extended frame and forward pedaling which make it an exceptionally comfortable cruiser for taller people.


cruiser bicycle

Edward said...

Loved the Dr. Tongue 3-D trick in the vid -

http://sportsfunia.com said...

very nice video

babble on said...

um....

Mr BS?

It might be pretty here, but nevertheless, we so do have culture in Vancouver, and we're not just talking microbes! http://spokenscene.blogspot.ca/2012/06/velopalooza.html

babble on

Robert said...

Dude, I see a rainbow about once a year so I'm still with you on the appreciating them front.

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