Monday, June 11, 2012

News of the Obvious: People Love to Ride the Bicycles

This past weekend, while riding my all-terrain recumbent in the forests of suburban Long Island, I saw a turtle:


The end.  That's it.  I'm sorry if you were expecting more to the story, but the fact is that I don't lead an exciting lifestyle, nor do I inhabit a part of the world teeming with all kids of fancy-pants nature stuff, so seeing a turtle that's not in a bucket in Chinatown is exciting to me.  

Oh, no, wait, there was something else about the turtle.  I almost forgot that a woman came along and peed on it:


(Sepia + Larry King = Safe For Work!)

Though something that commonplace hardly even bears mentioning.

Speaking of the part of the world that I inhabit, it is called Brooklyn, and as someone who inhabits Brooklyn I sometimes read stuff about Brooklyn to find out what's going in in Brooklyn.  I also happen to be in the market for a $3 million townhouse to purchase with cash because semi-professional bike blogging has made me disgustingly rich.  (Bikes + Turtle Porn = $$$!!!)  So I was reading this Brooklyn real estate blog called "Brownstoner," and on it was an interview with a local real estate developer:


Which I only mention in the context of this blog because of his answer to the following question:

BS: What’s the most striking change you’ve seen in South Brooklyn in recent years?
GOC: The increase in the amount of bicycle traffic.

This is a remarkable answer.  South Brooklyn has changed profoundly over the years in so many ways, that the fact that somebody with a lifelong perspective on the neighborhood would identify the increase in bicycle traffic as the most striking of all these changes is telling.  What does it tell?  Well, it tells you that a whole lot of people in South Brooklyn are riding bikes now.  The end.  That's it.  I'm sorry if you were expecting more insight into that, but what do you expect from someone who thinks spotting a turtle while he's riding a bicycle is noteworthy?

Anyway, I was thinking about Mr. O'Connell's observation during my visit to South Brooklyn this past weekend, during which I was blocked by a bus:


And not just any bus, but the "Trans Sex Express" bus:


I immediately knocked on the door and demanded that the driver get that heap out of my way, at which point it burst open and out came three "ladies" who chased me away in a hail of wild finger-snapping:


("Oh no he didn't!")

Incidentally, Patrick Swayze's character in the above movie was of course called "Lady-Man Gel Flow:"


Though his "manganese tube" was a lot bigger than seven millimeters:

Rail: Manganese Tube Ø 7 mm

Also, another word for a "manganese tube" is a "pagina:"


When it comes to gender-bending saddle technology and the science of accommodating increasingly complicated 21st century genitalways, Selle Italia have always been on the cutting edge.

Anyway, I don't live in South Brooklyn.  I used to live in South Brooklyn, but late one night the Hipster Gestapo knocked on my door and told me I wasn't cool enough for the area anymore, after which they handed me a new lease with an extra decimal place in the rent and I was forced to join the Great Uncool Diaspora.  Nevertheless, I still visit South Brooklyn pretty frequently, and it's true, the huge increase in the number of cyclists is always one of the first things I notice:


(It wasn't always thus.)

The next thing I notice is that people are becoming increasingly creative with their bikes in this part of town.  For example, a few years ago having colorful tires or a top tube pad was considered creative.  Now, you've got to go a bit further if you want to stand out, and one way to do that is by outfitting your bicycle with accessories made from anthropods:


Yes, that is indeed a case made from horseshoe crabs:


By next year everyone in Brooklyn will have one, and in three years you'll be able to buy one from Nashbar.  That's why I plan to get a jump on the trend and start using a horseshoe crab as a helmet, or maybe even as a saddle:


If you don't mind inner thigh lacerations or being impaled in the taint by that pointy tail, a horseshoe crab makes for an ideal posterior perch.  I certainly don't, especially if it makes me cool enough that they'll let me move back into South Brooklyn.

Furthermore, the next time I find a turtle, instead of peeing on it, I'm going to turn it into a hardshell saddlebag.

Nevertheless, despite the explosion of South Brooklyn "bike culture," there are still growing pains.  For example, it's great that so many people are riding bikes, but it's not so great that they don't know how to park them:


The above is of course the bicycle equivalent of this:


Though it's not quite as bad as taking up half a bike rack for an entire year for your stupid "urban experiment:"



I'm still waiting for the next one in which they document how long it takes for a bunch of pigeons to eat a stale bagel.

The worst part of this bad parking job was that it put me in an awkward position, because even though I tried to park my bikes perpendicularly and leave room for others, with this one already there it proved to be impossible.  So instead I parallel parked mine as well and simply became part of the problem:


(I always carry a spare bike with me, it's a lot easier than changing a tube.)

Thus parked, I tended to my business (a brief sightseeing tour of Brooklyn aboard the Trans Sex Express bus, obviously) and, being a certifiable wussbag, I was afraid that when I returned to the rack some smug South Brooklyn cyclist with an armadillo for a pannier and horn made out of a conch shell would be waiting to chide me for my selfish parking.  However, this was not the case, and indeed after unlocking my bike the owner of the first bike suddenly appeared to claim it:



I might have explained his faux-pas to him, but I figured it was probably pointless since he lives his life according to what he believes is a higher authority.  Plus, as I mentioned, I'm a certifiable wussbag.  Then again, maybe I should have said something anyway, since it's not like he's going to learn about bike etiquette by reading the Internet.

In any case, it's ultimately heartening to see Brooklyn becoming so bikey--though I can't help being nostalgic for the old days, like before you could buy color-coordinated fixiebikes in bulk at Walmart:


(Photo by Urchin)

Still, I wasn't quite nostalgic enough to pine for San Francisco in 1988, since I was never there in the first place--though thanks to a reader I practically feel like I was:



I'm going to go ahead and assume this is 100% accurate.

136 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

Anonymous said...

turtles. sea life.

Chriam said...

Third!

Dan said...

woot

Chriam said...

Outpaced by a turtle! And sea life! The shame!

Anonymous said...

so close.

Anonymous said...

yes

cycle

Anonymous said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

Turtle penis:
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/tetrapod-zoology/2012/06/08/terrifying-sex-organs-of-male-turtles/
That is all.

Anonymous said...

so mets are the mentos of soda?

Anonymous said...

Top twenty!

balls®

Anonymous said...

So half a blog on parking your bike. Reaching for material?

cycle

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

What was that going on at Citi Field? -A blues brothers convention?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:28pm,

Reaching for material?!? Did you miss the part where I saw a turtle?

Sheesh.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Great post. See? All you gotta do for some great bi-king material is schlep outside!

Anonymous said...

Those Wave racks are marginal. Difficult to keep bikes from falling over, and they do not fit as many bikes as advertised.

Upside down U racks are better.

Creative Pipe Lightning Bolt racks rule!

Anonymous said...

Radar Love!

urchin said...

I didn't take that photo-I stole it. I wouldn't dare pretend to the high photographic standards of this blog. Sorry for the confusion. Also, I think Ryder Hejdoll is Canadian.

Did I miss anything?

NPJ

Anonymous said...

LOLOLOLOL! STOP THE PRESSES! I saw 100 chipmunks on my ride yesterday.

CYCLE

crosspalms said...

I'm glad you keep Larry King gainfully employed. In these tough economic times it's heartening to see, and I only hope I find an equally enlightened employer when I'm King's age.

ervgopwr said...

Gang of Mets!

TRTL PNIS

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:38pm,

I saw chipmunks that day too!

We were totally riding in the same place I bet.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Bob Dylan said...

"Columbia Street Waterfront District"? I've forgotten more about Brooklyn history than O'Donnell or his daddy will ever know and I assure the good folks of BikesnobNYC that there has NEVER ever been...

a "Columbia Street Waterfront District."

Let the real estate whores lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie so more white people with $$$ will overpay for glorified tenements, whatever, but I defy this failing upwards dipshit to show me that this anything but a chintzy invention.

"Funny" HE lives in the "Columbia Street Waterfront Deistrict" while Joey Gallo lived in RED HOOK but what the hell do I know!!

(Snob lives in Flatbush Heights btw.)

Mike in Dallas said...

http://www.apbp.org/resource/resmgr/publications/bicycle_parking_guidelines.pdf

See page 3 WCRM...

Babe Winklemen said...

You can 'golden shower' Larry Knig's face for a mere $100,000*.

"Cleveland Steamroller" Larry's face. $250,000*

*All funds Gold Kruger Rand ONLY!

singlespeedwaster said...

So long crouched in this aerodynamic tuck, it took ages to reach out to the keyboard

Cipo said...

Being Roman Catholic I can only sex one woman at a time.

Is it true that Mormans can have like five wives?

I've always dreamed of a six-way.

DUDES! I'm convertin'

DerZoots said...

Oooooh in the 30 topness.
Farout!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Bob Dylan,

But the realtor told me this is the Prospectington Flatwood Park Historical District!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

wishiwasmerckx said...

Flatbush Heights? Is that where the Discotheque was in "Saturday Night Fever?"

Kevin Bacon said...

I was expecting a little more for a Monday, but then I had a Mets. The end.

grog said...

Chipmunks?
If you didn't get a picture of them, then you didn't see them.

I can never watch just one youtube, so after the mets spot, i saw queen doing bicycle race with all them fat bottomed girls.
Now I miss Recumbabe.

Rock on you Wildcat Machine!

slo poke said...

Glans of Florida softshell (Apalone ferox). It has five lobes and a seminal grooves that branches into four separate channels.

mikeweb said...

Bob,

I'm sure when O'Connells dad (my landlord, btw) first became aware of the neighborhood back when he was a NYPD detective in the 60s and 70s, he called it Red Hook also. Probably still does.

When I first moved to that 'hood 10 years ago, we didn't know what to call it until we found the 'official' name on the Brooklyn borough website.

Truth be told, we tried calling it Red Hook, but the Red Hook folk below Hamilton ave. would have none of it ("Dat ain't Red Hook! Dis is da REAL Red Hook!!").

Personally I was lobbying for 'Crane Town' or 'Trenchville'. Though in time, the derricks will go away and the BQE will be covered (maybe), so those probably wouldn't work either.

My avatar photo is a gigantic salt pile (still there) visible across Columbia st. from my apartment in the container port. One of said container port derricks is also visible.

RANTWICK said...

Turtle. You know, there's a pokemon thing called a "squirtle". I wonder if that lady was trying to make one?

RANTWICK said...

Hey, #1 for RCT! You must be proud. Congrats!

Captain Hardbread said...

no pants=no work where's the np=nw turtle porn link?

leroy said...

Piffle.

I saw a man carrying a turtle in Brooklyn Heights yesterday. (True.)

Now if he had been walking it, that would have been news.

On Saturday, I saw deer, woodchucks, chipmunks, and low gas prices while on a longish ride in NJ. (Note to self: deer do that frozen in the headlights thing even if you're riding a bike in broad daylight.)

But it appears that Urchin knows where to find a bargain. The fixies I spotted at Walmart last fall were more expensive.

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2011_08_01_archive.html

Big Charlie said...

So, I still don't understand the need for the top tube pad. Seriously.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mikeweb,

Back during the bubble they would have said you lived in "West BoCoCa."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Anyone else thirsting for a delicious can of Mets GRAPEFRUIT soda right now?

Glad you can get it in San Fran because I want more than the legally mandated 16oz NYC maximum.

JB said...

The guy on the right in the Brooklyn bikers photo has a derailler. He has been asked to leave, right?

tomt said...

Helmet? Wazza helmet? Did you perchance mean helment?

mikeweb said...

WCRM,

That looked like a nice Red Hook jaunt. Hopefully you made it into Fairway to gaze upon the temple of cheese. Or over to Keylime Steve's for a swingle.

Anonymous said...

BS-Check out "Shit Cyclists Say" on you tube.

leroy said...

mikeweb --

According to my dog, that salt pile is for the margaritas at Alma.

But I'm not sure he knows what he's talking about. He usually frequents Calexico.

That may be why they got a "B" on their last health inspection.

mikeweb said...

leroy,

Not sure frequenting alone justifies a "B". Are you sure he didn't sneak into the kitchen and start making his 'special' burritos?

leroy said...

Small world, I was at the Red Hook Fairway Sunday morning.

I just hope my dog used the ladles when he filled up on free sample olives.

Management frowns on the use of paws.

Buffalo Bill said...

I'd get one of those new selle italia lady-man things, but being on the cutting edge sounds kinda uncomfortable.

Borat said...

It is said, "pagine".

The Ladies Man said...

"So, I still don't understand the need for the top tube pad. Seriously."

It makes your top tube look bigger and thicker, Ladies love it.

CommieCanuck said...

God, you people are ignorant. Peeing on a turtle promotes fertility. It's only common sense.

TRTL PISS

Marcel Da Chump said...

TELL us more about that Transexexpress.

CommieCanuck said...

Anon 1:28, he clearly relayed the fact that he saw a turtle. This would be breaking, with fucking 3D spinning graphics, and fucking explosions on Fox News, with a ticker: ...TURTLE 2012...TURTLE PISSED ON BY LIBERAL...BANKERS NOW 100% HONEST...

Anonymous said...

hehehe you're funny.

Judge Smails said...

Hey Danny, how 'bout a Fresca?

mikeweb said...

Many of the express bus carriers, trans or otherwise, have their storage and maintenance facilities in Red Hook. Similarly, a lot of the popular cuisine food trucks park overnight in the Gowanus section of Brooklyn, in a dirt lot near to the canal.

I actually think that it his is an effort to create a superior mutant super-race from the current pudgy population of 'foodies'. I call dibs when the hot super model one in the purple body suit shows up.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

while we're at it....

stop leaving your fucking locks on the rack in front of the office, they are in my way

and alternate bike directions you assholes

sheeeeeesh

Anonymous said...

I met a lady-man on craigslist and I do believe gel was discussed.

saywhat said...

arthropods*

leroy said...

Commie --

Our local Fox affiliate's lead story yesterday was about a Coney Island elementary school principal who nixed 5 year olds from singing Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" at their final assembly.

Fox News is claiming an anti-american bias and interviewing Lee Greenwood.

The Board of Education has explained that the opening stanza is a little grim for 5 year olds and the principal okayed the song for Fifth Graders recently.

But Fox News knows a dad-gum anti-americun plot when it invents one.

At least no turtles were harmed on Coney Island ... that we know about, so far.

Anonymous said...

As a cyclist and unrepentant stoner, I run across many, many "funny" things... mostly oral sex and gay porn stashes.

Green Leewood said...

Freakin' pussy-ass, Amurika hatin' 5 year olds...

CommieCanuck said...

The Transexexpress thing missed a great Hugh Grant joke.

Anonymous said...

Who are those two dudes wearing only black and white, sporting beards and bikers wallets with the chains hanging down?

CommieCanuck said...

Le Roy, any kid who doesn't want to take a bullet to the face for cheap gas should move to a communist state like Ontario.

If tomorrow all the things were gone,
I'd worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,
with just my children and my wife...


That pretty much sums up things after Bear Stearns 2008.

Jimbo said...

Now all y'all know why the ladies call me Rhinoclemmys.

bikesgonewild said...

...i heard a rumor that when the 'nj nets' move to the new barclays center in brooklyn, certain factions would like to get the 'nj devils' to come along...

...hmmm...the 'brooklyn gospels' maybe ???...

...(insider joke)...

Anonymous said...

I, for one, cannot wait for Friday's Friday Fun Quiz.

Why?

Because if The Snob feels comfortable using that Japanese SanFran Bike Messenger Video on Monday, what must he have planned for Wrong Answer Video for Friday?

Right?

You can't wait for Friday now too, I'll bet.

Woohoo! Four more days to go!

Billy said...

So I actually read the post before checking the comments, and when I finally got to the bottom almost four hours after the post went up, I saw "0 comments". I coulda been a contenda!

Refresh and 70. Alas.

So if I drink Mets, will I live fast and die young?

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm gonna see 'the mets' play 'the giants' out here in july...

...just sayin'...

thirsty? said...

メッツ

Billy said...

@Mike in Dallas: That APB or Au Bon Pain or whatever guide would be greatly improved with big red Xs over the bad kinds of bicycle racks.

My University liked to trumpet how "accommodating" they were to bicycles, by putting wheel-mangler comb racks at the tops of staircases.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

100% accurate lady-man tube panties for recumbents!

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em said...

More like "Mild Cat Walk Ma-cheen"

Anonymous said...

I noticed those fixies at the Glasgow, Kentucky, Mallwart last winter. I admit even being briefly tempted by them, until I remembered first, that a fixie is as appropriate on Kentucky hills as an Escalade at a Greenpeace meeting; and second, that any bike sold at Mallwart is likely to be a cheap disappointment. But thank you, Wildsnob Bike Machine Cat, for showing how New Yorkers have become just as big a bunch of douches as Kentuckians. Otherwise, you wouldn't have Mallwarts, since they are the apex of cultural degeneracy. I can stay right here and be surrounded by douches, and in my douchier moments even feel right at home. Saves me a big schlep.

Anonymous said...

To be fair, they only "occupied" the bike rack for 270-some days since the bike was eventually removed...

Anonymous said...

I see hawks, vultures, & rabbits on my bike rides. Oh, and once a coyote.

Anonymous said...

Read this last one as:
"I see hawks, vultures, & rabbis on my bike rides"
More importantly, do you see Turtle Penis?

Dooth said...

Some girls are just golden shower fiends.

Quiffed and Lulled said...

"I see hawks, vultures, & rabbits on my bike rides. Oh, and once a coyote".
Throw in the occasional bobcat, and that sounds like early mornings out in Marin. Not so many rabbis though. See what you're missing with those late nights bgw?

marshall from madison said...

Not sure if you're being "ironic" by being "wrong" a la Ryder, but pretty sure you meant arthropod, not anthropod. And if you were just being coy, well, you're humor grows so subtle that I assure you that very few of you graphic designer readers got the joke.

Just sayin.

Bobby Crustaceanski said...

All Hail The Great lob!!!

Joe Spandex said...

Lycra SUCKS!

a gentleman in tweed said...

Bobby, I curious about your sirname sir.

Are you Polish?

Raymond said...

http://helpraymondgetanewbike.blogspot.com/
Please help me get a new Bike! It was stolen at the McDonald's on Foothill :( Anything will help and be appreciated.

Anonymous said...

....
.... ....
....
Just not sayin'....

Anonymous said...

Pretty slick blog, complete with paypal link, for a 15 year old whose bike was stolen this afternoon, who had to wait for a ride home til "6 o'clock in order for my parents to pick me up because they were at work", to put up at 6:21 pm- fast work!
Color me skeptical.

crosspalms said...

I looked at that Walmart photo and thought: my first 10-speed was about $90. It was in 1970 or 71, it was a black Mercier, and at the time that was about a week's pay. What a fun bike though!

campbell fdy said...

turtlepisslady, transexexpress, lady-man gel flow, gang of mets holy shit snob you taking the magic lunchbags again? thanks for making me laugh

IV XX Maximus said...

I know I promised ...

that I would never ask again ...

but ...

I need to know ...

how do I know when I'm stoned?

McFly said...

PAGINA sounds familiar. Isn't that when the world was just one big continence.

ashcroftchops said...

Top 100!

bikesgonewild said...

...@ quiffed & lubed...whoops, i mean 'lulled'...

...sheesh...i oft traverse my way home just before the dawns early light & the lack of traffic offers emboldened deer, skunks, racoons, opossum, rabbits (few rabbis), foxes (vulpes, not hot chicks) & coyotes (well fed & fucking ubiquitous in marin) a chance to think that sharing the road is to their advantage & while i do drive, we all have a rapport with life so i have to respect their carefree nature...

...& whilst hawks n' vultures are snoozing, wise old owls ask "...who...who..." is interrupting their evenings revery as i climb my stairs...

Paul Bowen said...

I wish I was that turtle.

Anonymous said...

Read only today because of European footie stuporbrawl.

middle-aged German tourist

3G said...

dude with the headband is SO Adam Horovitz

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

100

leroy said...

Lantern rouge.

Had a hawk circle me while riding on Saturday.

Reminded me of Monty Python's "Bring out your dead" bit from "The Holy Grail."

I told my dog that I was getting better. He told me I wasn't fooling anyone.

Anonymous said...

I rode through a herd of bison one morning, in a park where there are bison that roam. It was spring and they were wandering around the park, and eating the grass alongside the road. Some were on the road too. Huge and wooly and peaceful, they just gazed at me with their big dark eyes as I rode between them.

Guttersnipe said...

Sheesh, 102 comments and no-one has pointed out that what you saw is clearly a tortoise, or indeed that a sure way to get micturated upon is to pick up a tortoise. Herpetologists, unlike Canadians, clearly asleep at the wheel today.

Anonymous said...

I like turtles.

Anonymous said...

Luckiest turtle in the world.

Eddie said...

Damn! now I want some METS soda!

Eddie said...

Damn! now I want some METS soda!

Anonymous said...

Ummm...so ...how bout a link to the NSFW version of that photo?

Anonymous said...

BOXT URTL

David Loving said...

I posted that Fixed gear (made by Chinese prisoners and 10 year old kids) photo at Roadbike Review.
http://forums.roadbikereview.com/fixed-single-speed/walmart-fg-ss-282018.html
That is the Walmart in Waxahachie, Texas. I liked the display of the bikes over first-aid kits.

David Lovig said...

I'm glad you used the photo. From Waxahachie, Tx to NYC.

Brad G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brad G said...

I know I'm a little late to the party, but I spend a few minutes looking at the 365 days of a NYC bike and I noticed something unusual. It seems at about 210 days someone steals the lock and basket; just the lock and basket; and the rest of the bike stays there and together for about a month. I can understand the basket but one wonders if there is some underground market for cut locks in NYC.

Robert said...

Peeing on turtles is comedy gold.

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