Thursday, May 24, 2012

"Right," Said Fred: Footloose and Jersey-Free

In yesterday's post, I suggested one should not wear the "mayo jaune" of the Tour of France race leader  unless one is in fact the Tour of France race leader.  I would now like to retract that statement.  The fact is that wearing any jersey--even one reserved exclusively for the most bestest cyclists in the world--is vastly preferable to wearing no jersey at all:


In the world of roadie fashion, there's Fred and then there's Right Said Fred, and this particular look is distinctly the latter.

There is one exception to the "any jersey is better than no jersey" rule though, and that is of course classic Primal Wear:



The above jersey was of course a part of Primal's wildly popular "Lophiiformes" series, because nothing goes together quite as well as cycling and ichthyology.

Speaking of Freds, it's well known among physicists that Fred "Woo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo!" speed is 46mph:


Sadly, Freds Down Under (or "Frumundas" for short) might never know the joys of this magical velocity, for a Melbourne City Councillor wants to impose a bicycle speed limit of 20 so-called "kilometers" per hour:


Why?  Because he was almost hit by a cyclist who ran a red light:

Cr Ong said he was almost struck by a cyclist moving at speed recently. ''The other day when I walked out from town hall I nearly got run over from a cyclist who shot through a red light as I was crossing Little Collins Street right in front of town hall.''

Maybe I'm missing something here, but isn't the problem that the cyclist ran the red light?  If so, I'm assuming that's already illegal in Melbourne, which means that no additional legislation is necessary. Really, imposing a speed limit because someone ran a red light is like raising the sales tax to combat shoplifting.

I suspect what may really be going on is that Australia is determined to usurp the United States from its position as the most "cycling-challenged" nation in the world.  However, they're going to have to get up pretty early in the morning if they want to do that--even earlier than they do now, which is like a day before us, since I think it's already Friday there.  Sure, Australia may have mandatory helmet laws and politicians proposing speed limits and newscasters who think cyclists "door" themselves on purpose, but here in Canada's chamois we just suspend students when they try to ride their bikes to school:


Yes, even the support of the police and the mayor wasn't enough to absolve these kids from the mortal American sin of slowing down motor vehicle traffic in an uptight suburb of a place that barely qualifies as a city:

"It was causing a problem, they were taking up a lane of traffic,' said Pennington. So it was an inconvenience for parents, teachers, but it was also a safety risk," said Pennington.


The students notified Walker Police and had an officer and Walker Mayor Rob VerHeulen escort them. But but Kenowa Hills High School principal, Katie Pennington says she was not informed. She says the bike ride caused a traffic back-up and created a safety hazard.

Also enraged was the Reverend Shaw Moore from that similarly uptight town in "Footloose," who had this to say:

"Even if this was not a law, which it is, I'm afraid I would have a lot of difficulty endorsing an enterprise which is as fraught with genuine peril as I believe this one to be."


Fortunately, wherever teenagers' rights to ride bicycles and/or dance is threatened, there's always one person ready to come to the rescue:


Incidentally, I'm surprised self-conscious and brake-dependent Nü-Freds haven't adopted Kevin Bacon's subtle behind-the-fork caliper positioning.  




Here's how it happened:


A man rode up, hit her in the face and pedaled away with the device — all without hitting the brakes.


“She said she was on the phone and was trying to be aware and was holding the phone pretty tight,” said a man who talked to the woman immediately after the robbery but did not see it. “He hit her in the face. He didn’t even stop.”

He didn't even stop?!?  How rude!  If only there were a bicycle speed limit in place then this crime would never have happened.  Hopefully a local politician will get right on that, because speeding cyclists are far more dangerous than people who watch TV while they drive:



I encountered this person while riding through Brooklyn yesterday, and while the reflections from the window make it difficult to see, the driver's eyes were glued to a TV screen placed discreetly by the gearshift:


I guess this is what the police mean when they say "no criminality."  After all, he'd never kill someone on purpose.  He'd just do it because he was watching TV.

By the way, on that same ride, someone almost let his dogs go pee-pee on my Scattante:


Sure, I don't have proof that he would have allowed it, but he did seem to be nudging the larger dog towards my wheel with one of his flip-flops, and I'm reasonably sure that if I had arrived a second later I would have caught it in flagrante urino.  Indeed, people let their dogs urinate on bikes all the time, which is why you should never leave yours parked with a baguette on it:


The above was forwarded to me by a reader, and it is easily one of the dumbest "portaging" systems I have ever seen:


Though I would enjoy it if Nü-Freds abandoned the messenger bag in favor of self-mummification.

164 comments:

McFly said...

I manscaped my armpit jungle and I am now 18 ft faster over a distance of 1789 ft. because of the aerodynamics.

ringcycles said...

Podium WooHoo!

leogodoy said...

Podium for Brazil!

Justin said...

Podium??

Captain Hardbread said...

woo-hoo!

Anonymous said...

poooooodium?

Anonymous said...

Top Ten????

SaddleAmericana said...

top 10? movin' up!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment

leogodoy said...

"imposing a speed limit because someone ran a red light is like raising the sales tax to combat shoplifting"... GOLD

Paul Bowen said...

Top X!

Paul Bowen said...

Gah, thwarted!

grog said...

There she is!
Thank you.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

coating

Dave said...

The guy who flattened Michael McKean was watching a Laverne and Shirley rerun on channel 73 on the TV in his car. Stands to reason.

ASSA CHE! said...

ASSA CHE!

Third Stoned from the Sun said...

When traversing the intragalactic ether I have found that wearing a yellow jersey offers the least cosmic resistance when venturing forward upon the milky way astral plane. I cannot vouch for other galactic entities. But here yellow is faster than all other colors. This is an empirical fact of reality.

Etherhuffer said...

The portaging person must be a relative of Brett, what with the 70's shorts and tall socks. Scary. I burned any photos I had of myself with those socks way back in the 80's.

weed said...

eel!

The King of Park Slope said...

That baguette does not look very fresh.

Anonymous said...

The anonymous lead out train sucked today.

Paul Bowen said...

The more I read the more it seems to me that Australia is home to some of the most autocratic, miserablist, ill-informed, logic-challenged and evidence-blind politicians in the western world. I think this is what happens when you leave basically British people in the sun too long, they become irritable, ill-mannered and prone to tears, like tired toddlers. It isn't helments they need to make compulsory, it's parasols.

Paul Bowen said...

Oh and shorts lady can portage my baguette any which way she wants.

Dave said...

The guy who flattened Michael McKean was watching a Laverne and Shirley rerun on channel 73 on the TV in his car. Stands to reason.

mikeweb said...

I really hope that baguette gets portaged over some wet and muddy territory. I loves me some dirt and grit when dipping crusty bread into my Lobster bisque. Um, I mean my onion soup. I would never eat Loster bisque.

Forgive me, oh mighty Lob!

Nice finish McFly! Just watch out for Cav, he gets really pissed when anyone's faster than him.

Sigmund Fried said...

Dudes! Recumbabe is a corpse like most fellow recumbentalists. Snobbie is a closeted necrophiliac. All the pieces are begining to fit together.

Isn't it about time to ...

LEGALIZE NECROPHILIA!

Jack Casey said...

Winning is a feeling you never lose.

theEel said...

weed.

Buffalo Bill said...

Well, now that snob says it's ok, ima wear my yellow jersey on the weekend ride.

David said...

See through rain jacket over bib.....

How about mesh net shirt, a police hat and disco music too? Ugh...

Anonymous said...

Oohhhh mmyyy gaaaawwwdd,

I wrote a bloated comment on the web idea like 2 weeks ago, not knowing that it really existed.

Horseman of the apocalypse approacheth.

Anonymous said...

I got yer baguette right here.


balls™

mikeweb said...

Don't worry: most NYPD cars have laptops in them and the cops watch Hulu and YouTube videos all day while driving around and not writing tickets to other drivers watching TV. So it's all good.

hillier99 said...

That baquette looks like it is keeper in my room for 6 years.

BIKE MESH

Anonymous said...

recumbabe should model the mesh jacket. maybe grog can work on that. Just sayin'...

balls®

Necro Ned said...

I think my wife might be dead, the sex is the same but the laundry is piling up.

Anonymous said...

I have a Pink Giro Jersey that was worn on the podium everyday of the 1999 Giro (by a Podium Girl, as a dress!). While I would not wear this in Europe, I do wear it in NJ and get the most unusual comments from Woman TriGeeks, who cannot understand why any guy could want to wear a pink jersey, except as a gay flag. I tell them I am a Lesbian trapped in a Male Body.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Tired of anonymous comments? So is New York State Senator Thomas F O'mara:

http://open.nysenate.gov/legislation/api/1.0/html/bill/S6779-2011

Personally I don't mind Anonymous. Sometimes he says funny stuff.

Anonymous said...

That was a joke in the 90s I think:

Want some Frumunda cheese?

Frumunda?

Yeah, Frumunda her armpits!

K. Bacon said...

***AMAZING NAME FACTS***


I have a major meat product named after me!

Eat your hearts out beeatcheezz!


Next Week: What country is named after Michael Jordan?

Anonymous said...

Nigeria

crosspalms said...

That see-through rain jacket? "Its Pack System technology means that this jacket fits easily in the pocket of your jersey." That would be the jersey you're not wearing. Smooth. It would also probably pack up nicely next to the baguette -- and the water bottles you can't reach anymore because you mummified them.

T. Brahe said...

Yes. It is true. I invented the original wooden leggo in 1576.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Fixed gear of Kevin Bacon.

Paul Bowen said...

Anon @1.45: ugh

g-roc said...

I generally slow to 20 kangaroo miles per hour before "blowing through" stop signs, so maybe a speed limit of 20 for running red lights is what they're actually looking for, yet incapable of articulating.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for calling out the Recumbabe. I missed her the first time around.
BEL LAP
BAB E
PRI ME

McFly said...

Someone needs to explain the Knucle Tat premise to this guy.

Anonymous said...

"Really, imposing a speed limit because someone ran a red light is like raising the sales tax to combat shoplifting. "

Keep it up Snob and you and I are going to have to discuss Bayes Theorem. And you do NOT want that.

anon said...

fingers, I have eight
sine qua non of counting
I have two thumbs too

mikeweb said...

LOST FNGR

Anonymous said...

McFly is once again the wickediest fastiest.

McFly said...

Mike Web...comedy genius.

mikeweb said...

Correction:

OST FNGR

mikeweb said...

There's only one genius here, and his/ her name is Anonymous.

ANON RULZ

david in boise said...

Kudos to that principle for instilling the lesson that automobile traffic is more important than everything else in the universe and that bicycling is essentially a suicidal activity.

Anonymous said...

fingers: four and four
inject ink beneath the skin
manage infection

Salty and Sore said...

FREE THE MIPPLES!

A. Whitney Nonymous said...

Have you ever tried Duck Sausage?
No?
Well, duck down and get ya' some!

Anonymous said...

Least in Michigan they can ride their bikes to school, this school in AZ is banning bikes.

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2012/05/11/20120511gilbert-charter-school-edu-prize-bans-bikes.html

El Caliente Carlos said...

Whoa!

Portaging Model has tube socks?
Think of the payload possibilities if they were to be weaponized into twin Hot Carls!
WHAP! WHAP!

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Just diciendo, man.

Anonympus Coward said...

Wow an American news agency actually spelled "pedaling" correctly!

Anonymous Coward said...

In other news, anonymous commenters can't spell anonymous

CANT SPEL

Ln Wf said...

U SK

McFly said...

The kid biking deal really gets sticks in my craw. I let lil man and my nephew ride to the WalMart yesterday to stock up on supplies PeeWee style and Honey bunny's friend saw him tip over by the entrance (I installed pedal cages because he hasGASPa tri coming up in Nashville, he won it last year and we want a two-peat) because he did not take his foot out. Like we all did. She was agape that I let them ride 3 miles to the store. Her son has super ADD and I want to tell her if you would let him out of your sight maybe he would act a little normal. Or get bumped into by a Crown Vic. Give em some rope I say.

Anonymous said...

Canada, America's tank top, is also competing for the "it's the cyclist's fault" award:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17914504

Dooth said...

That's it! I've had it! It's as obvious as the boner from a Liz Hatch--Peta Todd--Recumbabe picture:

Inculcating fear of bikes in children is THE sign of a conspiracy!

Anonymous said...

Knuckle tattoos?
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. So that's what that's about.
I guess it's true; you learn something new from McFly every day.

Billy said...

@mikeweb: Lob is totally down with lobster bisque. It's encouraged, even. Eating at Red Lobster is a sacrament in the Way of Lob.

The only dietary restrictions Lob enforces are:

* No endangered animals.
* No casu marzu (aka live maggot cheese)
* No food that's used to promote a major motion picture.

Billy said...

PS - 69th!

Anonymous said...

NUB LIFE

Robert said...

Any half decent baguette would have caved under the pressure of those bands. Mummified bike and petrified baguettes, turn your bike into a mobile preservation unit.

ringcycles said...

@Robert "turn your bike into a mobike preservation unit"

So that's why those young hilpsters are always talking about "curating", Now I understand!

mikeweb said...

Thanks Billy!

So I guess the "Madagascar 2" Ring Tailed Lemur stew that Babe Winkelman has on his website is off limits?

CommieCanuck said...

What's with the knee-high tube socks? Was that portaging system used in a 1970s porno?
Are those actually baguettes? or 1970s porn film, "baguettes"?

PORN BRED

bikesgonewild said...

...google account - chose an identity - blah, blah, blah...

McFly said...

There are certain aspects of that 13 fish that remind me of my ex-girlfriend. I miss her so.

bikesgonewild said...

..."Who's the baddest comment dude
that's a sex
machine to all the chicks ???...
...mcfly !!!...
You're damn right...

...Who is the man that would risk his neck
for his brother man ???...
...mcfly !!!...
Can ya dig it ???...

...Who's the cat that won't cop out
when there's danger all about ???...
...mcfly !!!...
Right on...

...You see this cat mcfly is a bad mother
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about mcfly !!!...
(Then we can dig it)
He's a complicated man
but no one understands him
but his woman...mcfly !!!"
...

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

That's so baller, like a sir. I am doing my first and what I hope is my last century Saturday (Sunrise Bitches) and may paste that on my downtube for inspiration. And pick up some sudafed.

Bisso said...

First reader on Friday!

And please don't judge Australian politicians by that Melbourne drongo. Put 'Craig Thomson' into your search engine and see what they really get up to. Like berloscone with a conspiracy theory thrown in

Artisanal Pain said...

Art is anal pain

is all I have to

say today but AM

SURE YOU NU EDIT

bikesgonewild said...

...just remember, mcfly...even john shaft wouldn't palp that rain jacket without a jersey...

...'word' as you head out on your 100 miler...good luck...

Anonymous said...

Those dogs are adorable! What kind of meanie could tell them NO to relieving their teeny doggy bladders on a wheel?

Eddie said...

I've thought of grabbing pizza boxes from pedestrians as I rode by, but I've never considered strong armed robbery whilst riding. Still, I would pay money to see a crook on a bike sock a a moron glued to their cell phone. A rude awakening- despite our distraction devices, we still live in the real world.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Alasdair said...

That looks like a Korean drama on that TV screen. I guarantee you that's a Korean behind the wheel.

Doug said...

So, driving a car is like cigarettes. Make them dependent when they are young, and you have a customer for life!

Babe Winklemen said...

psssssssssssssstttttt!!!!

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leroy said...

You can always tell when my dog has to go.

He has to unclip to lift his leg.

And thank goodness. He can be such a jerk when he wants to drop someone.

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