Revealing the world of lesbian bike messengers, “Fixed Gears, Fast Girls” stars Maggie Mayhem, Billie Sweet, Dylan Ryan, Dante, Eden Alexander, Maxine Holloway, Annika Amour, Juliette March, and Arabelle Raphael.
I suspect those may not be their real names.
Even so, "Fixed Gears, Fast Girls" is an unflinching and empowering look at the world of messengers and bike shops, with a plot that will surely resonate with any cycling enthusiast:
Written and directed by Madison Young, “Fixed Gears, Fast Girls” features the hottest alt adult performers. In Volume 1, new bike messenger Annika gets a flat tire and pulls over to the nearest bike shop for a quick fix. What she finds are Eden and Maxine, two aggressive lesbians who want to teach her what it really means to work for Fixed Gears, Fast Girls. Across town, seamstress Billie is more interested in having Dante deliver her an orgasm than fabric. The messengers continue their lascivious ways when Dylan goes down on Arabelle right in the middle of a café and Juliette does the downward dog with yoga enthusiast Maggie. The ladies of “Fixed Gears, Fast Girls” make the delivery that keeps giving.
My word! Right there, in the middle of a café?!? There must have been a whole lot of scandalized Freds!
In any case, I like to consider myself something of an authority on the subject of cycling in entertainment, and so purely in the spirit of cultural analysis I did peruse the stills from the film. Unfortunatly, this is pretty much the only one I can show you without getting you fired:
Though you can get a pretty good sense of what happens after that by how nonplussed the actress in the flannel shirt is. For example, here she's only slightly nonplussed:
Whereas when all the clothes come off she's a little more nonplussed:
And by the time they start going all "MacGyver" with the air compressor she gets really, really nonplussed.
By the way, I know there's been some controversy among various commenters about the correct definition of the word "nonplussed," but as far as I'm concerned it means whatever you want it to mean.
Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then great, and if you're wrong you'll see hardcore smugness.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your post-ride café stop be a wholesome one. (Or not, as the case may be.)
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) Whose plunging neckline is this?
(Angela Lansbury is one with the bike.)
2) Grant Petersen learned everything he knows from Angela Lansbury.
3) Graeme Obree will attempt to set a land speed record on a:
--Modified cargo bike
--Pair of old roller skates
4) According to Fred Armisen, what is the bike messenger's most formidable enemy?
--The fax machine
5) These blue dots represent:
--Bike share docking stations
--Bars that have officially been designated as "hipster friendly" by the City of New York
--Intersections where pedestrians have been injured or killed by speeding bakfiets since January 1st, 2012
--Locations for shops in a chain of artisanal mayonnaise retailers called "The Mayo Clinic"
(Maybe just get a brake instead.)
6) The Hornit DB40 keeps you safe by:
--Projecting a bike lane around you with lasers
--Using infrared sensors to warn you of opening car doors
--Recording video of your ride so you have recourse against bad drivers
--Making you into the most annoying person in the world
7) Nothing fortifies you for a hard day of saddle-making like a can of beef drink.
***Special Handout-Themed Bonus Question***
This person wants $15,000 so he can:
--Make ice cream with his bike
--Ride from Brooklyn to San Francisco with a trailer full of decrepit greyhounds to raise awareness for animal rescue
--Open a bicycle-powered printing press
--Live among the Amish and teach them to make bamboo cargo bicycles