Friday, May 18, 2012

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

In the 21st century, cycling has become a significant influence on our popular culture.  In particular, bicycle messengers and "urban cycling" continue to inform our entertainment.  Not only will "Premium Rush" starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt come to theaters this summer, but a Tweeterer informs me that another film will also probe the dark, wet corners of the messenger subculture as well.  It's called "Fixed Gears, Fast Girls," and it is described thusly:

Revealing the world of lesbian bike messengers, “Fixed Gears, Fast Girls” stars Maggie Mayhem, Billie Sweet, Dylan Ryan, Dante, Eden Alexander, Maxine Holloway, Annika Amour, Juliette March, and Arabelle Raphael.

I suspect those may not be their real names.

Even so, "Fixed Gears, Fast Girls" is an unflinching and empowering look at the world of messengers and bike shops, with a plot that will surely resonate with any cycling enthusiast:

Written and directed by Madison Young, “Fixed Gears, Fast Girls” features the hottest alt adult performers. In Volume 1, new bike messenger Annika gets a flat tire and pulls over to the nearest bike shop for a quick fix. What she finds are Eden and Maxine, two aggressive lesbians who want to teach her what it really means to work for Fixed Gears, Fast Girls. Across town, seamstress Billie is more interested in having Dante deliver her an orgasm than fabric. The messengers continue their lascivious ways when Dylan goes down on Arabelle right in the middle of a café and Juliette does the downward dog with yoga enthusiast Maggie. The ladies of “Fixed Gears, Fast Girls” make the delivery that keeps giving.


My word!  Right there, in the middle of a café?!?  There must have been a whole lot of scandalized Freds!

In any case, I like to consider myself something of an authority on the subject of cycling in entertainment, and so purely in the spirit of cultural analysis I did peruse the stills from the film.  Unfortunatly, this is pretty much the only one I can show you without getting you fired:


Though you can get a pretty good sense of what happens after that by how nonplussed the actress in the flannel shirt is.  For example, here she's only slightly nonplussed:


Whereas when all the clothes come off she's a little more nonplussed:


And by the time they start going all "MacGyver" with the air compressor she gets really, really nonplussed.


By the way, I know there's been some controversy among various commenters about the correct definition of the word "nonplussed," but as far as I'm concerned it means whatever you want it to mean.

Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then great, and if you're wrong you'll see hardcore smugness.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your post-ride café stop be a wholesome one.  (Or not, as the case may be.)


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) Whose plunging neckline is this?

--Mario Cipollini's
--Mark Cavendish's
--Bradley Wiggins's
--Phil Liggett's







(Angela Lansbury is one with the bike.)

2) Grant Petersen learned everything he knows from Angela Lansbury.

--True
--False





(Flying Scotsman)

3) Graeme Obree will attempt to set a land speed record on a:

--Faired recumbent
--Modified cargo bike
--Face-down recumbent
--Pair of old roller skates







4) According to Fred Armisen, what is the bike messenger's most formidable enemy?

--The taxicab
--The fax machine
--The computer
--Reality








5) These blue dots represent:

--Bike share docking stations
--Bars that have officially been designated as "hipster friendly" by the City of New York
--Intersections where pedestrians have been injured or killed by speeding bakfiets since January 1st, 2012
--Locations for shops in a chain of artisanal mayonnaise retailers called "The Mayo Clinic"








(Maybe just get a brake instead.)

6) The Hornit DB40 keeps you safe by:

--Projecting a bike lane around you with lasers
--Using infrared sensors to warn you of opening car doors
--Recording video of your ride so you have recourse against bad drivers
--Making you into the most annoying person in the world






(Mmm, beefy.)

7) Nothing fortifies you for a hard day of saddle-making like a can of beef drink.

--True
--False




***Special Handout-Themed Bonus Question***



This person wants $15,000 so he can:

--Make ice cream with his bike
--Ride from Brooklyn to San Francisco with a trailer full of decrepit greyhounds to raise awareness for animal rescue
--Open a bicycle-powered printing press
--Live among the Amish and teach them to make bamboo cargo bicycles


104 comments:

Anonymous said...

WHOOOOPEEE DOOOPY

Anonymous said...

Not really.

Anonymous said...

First

Anonymous said...

#1 and #2 are different by the way. I am a top ten waster. Ask my boss.

Captain Hardbread said...

I rode the bus today!

KyleFlannigan said...

4th. woohoo

Anonymous said...

Plussed.

KyleFlannigan said...

4th. woohoo

le Correcteur said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

10th bitches

RANTWICK said...

Bread crumbs, bread crumbs, yum yum yum.

Buffalo Bill said...

Angela Lansbury porn. Nice!

Anonymous said...

all you haters wear my crappy flannel

Captain Hardbread said...

7 for 8 on quiz #6 was tough
anyway time for a bath I need to invent something for kickstarter

Anonymous said...

Top twenty, I'll take it!

balls®

Jimbo said...

Holy Shit!

theEel said...

weed.

crosspalms said...

Those BAD girls were fun, especially the flaming bikes at the end. Smugness indeed. And maybe another job for Maggy Mayhem and the girls if the bike porn doesn't pay off.

McFly said...

Nerd glasses are so played, slayed, and Chik-fil-a'd.

LOLBURGER said...

FUCK QUIZZES.

Sigmund Fried said...

Being a classically trained and highly qualified psycoANAList I could not help but note that BSnyc has been acting out irrartionally, irritatingly and irratically. Although every so often Snobbs appears to be quite normal my classical eurocentric training tells me that Snobbs is on the dope. The reefer. Devil weed.


So, what I am wondering is ...

Are you holding? I'm in the middle of a fook'in drought here! HELP ME!!!

Afghani Farmer Dude said...

hash panties

Anonymous said...

Long in the tooth Landsbury4Cippo

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I think that bicycle dance troop must be drinking beef before each perf.

McFly said...

I am more into "Fixed Girls, Fast Gears".

DerZoots said...

I fell for the grey hounds but you didn't fool me with Ms. Lansbury.

After the bike talk stopped was it weird that I hung around while she took a bath?

Sensual indeed!

DerZoots said...

Afghani Farmer Dude said...

hash panties

May 18, 2012 12:59 PM


This +1 x 420 = Hashghanipanti.

Brian said...

Okay. So a former world champion cyclist is living in a one bedroom flat and using his kitchen as a workshop. I guess thats ok.

McFly said...

I totally fell for the grey hounds. Thanks for the boxart link on the DykeBike Video. I used to be an assman. But now thanks to the coverart I am a boobs and assman.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hellyeah! I will rock the hornit on my recumbent. SET PHASERS TO STUN OUTTA MY WAY EARTHLINGS!!!

Anonymous said...

Fast Girls Fixed Gears:

"By day they deliver your messages... (ellipsis for dramatic pause lifted from BGW)by night they deliver hot lesbian sex."

Nice...btw, which one is Frilly?

Fred Fredricksson said...

I remember that Angela Lansbury flick. XXX. 3D. Title - 'Ride me lkike a bicycle bitch!'

wishiwasmerckx said...

Nice tie-in between the porn film and the dance troupe. I am guessing that Agent F-word and Agent Hazmat star in both.

The dance troupe does not enunciate. I thought they were chanting "L'Shanah Tova."

wishiwasmerckx said...

Graeme Obree is in line to get a major sponsorship deal with the scrap wallpaper dealer's association.

In rural Nevada, you need to ride 100 mph to escape the Area 51 irradiated mutant zombies.

I, for one, will be contributing a laminated BSNYC spoke card to the effort.

Anonymous said...

Heard Grant Peterson on NPR while driving to work on bike to work day this morning!

grog said...

Smoke signal, dial phone, beef drink, weed, fast girls.
My week is compleet.
FUNK WHIZ
RIDE NICE

SaddleAmericana said...

my week was complete at the beef drink.

Anonymous Coward said...

Damn artisinal ice cream man screwed up my perfect score.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Mmmm, Beefwater...

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/01/25/beverage-company-meatwater-introduces-beef-flavored-water/

wishiwasmerckx said...

Mmmm, Beef drinks...
http://communaltable.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/moogarita-beef-cocktail/

Baskin Smuggins said...

Stupid ice cream doesn't taste better just because it was made with a fucking Chitty Chitty Bang Bang bike contraption gizmo. No, Doofus Nerdkowski DOES NOT GET MY MONEY! NO MONEY FOR YOU! NOW GET A FUCKING JOB FER CHRISSAKES!

I can't stand it.

Phew, okay, I feel better now.
Oh yeah, SCRANUS!

leroy said...

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed BSNYC's new family friendly focus?

Ride safe all!

(I was going to warn BGW that the Fixed Gears/Fast Girls bike shop wasn't real, but my dog insisted that we not spoil anyone's weekend plans to ride around Marin County looking for the shop.)

Anonymous said...

Bovril...puts the beef in you.

Thats what she said.

Marcel Da Chump said...

FIXED GEARS, FAST GIRLS gets a big fist, er, I mean thumbs up!

mikeweb said...

Sorry I'm late. I clicked on the link to that Angela Lansbury video and ended up being ' busy' for a while. Then decided to 're-wind' it and get 'busy' again.

I know McFly can empathize.

Dooth said...

What the fucken fuck fuck?...Angela Lansbury has gammy legs up-to-here...and yummy feet to chew on. And a probing hand in a bathtub...and she rides!

leroy said...

My dog watched the Angela Lansbury video.

He liked the cycling part, but still won't take a bath.

He did opine, however, that Ms. Lansbury totally slays the Grant Petersen ethos.

According to my dog, the clip should have been called "Murder, She Rode."

Grego said...

BSNYC, today's videos are the bomb shizzy. (That's Californian for very good.) Thanks.

mikeweb said...

You have to watch out for that Ms. Lansbury though. Be careful if she ever suggests that you play a nice relaxing game of solitaire. Last time I did that, I woke up and was riding a tandem naked and she was on the back with a horse whip.

Anonymous said...

@1:34 in the bay area derailleurs video you can almost see nip. Sweet!

Anonymous said...

Graeme Obree is running out of ideas! Just like David Bowie.
I only wish teh lesbian suffragettes could witness this guilded moment of “Fixed Gears, Fast Girls”. These are glorious times we are living in.

Billy said...

I cheated on the Kickstarter question.

Also forgot to finish the quiz after watching the Angela Lansbury "instructional", it actually sent me back to work.

yogisurf said...

Sponsored by Snap on Tools?

yogisurf said...

Happy Ride Your Bike to Work day. I got a new 'victim' to ride today. 5 rest stops and lots of food and swag.

g-roc said...

FIRST (to ace the quiz and brag about my lame achievement)!

Billy said...

I cheated on the Kickstarter question.

Also forgot to finish the quiz after watching the Angela Lansbury "instructional", it actually sent me back to work.

Anonymous said...

Murder, she rode.
Credit where credit is due.
The snob missed that but I'm sure he's pleased you didn't.
I know I am.

Colin Douche' said...

Have you ever been to Amsterdam and had the 100% whole beef high high colonic?

If you haven't then you just haven't really lived, have you?

L. H. Fook said...

420 X 1000 = 420000


FUKKINFUGGEDDAABOUTIT!

You can't handle it!

bikesgonewild said...

...while i enjoy her good murder mysteries, what i find most satisfying about angela landsbury, is her happy endings...

bikesgonewild said...

...'fixed gears/fast girls bike shop'..."...build it & they will come..."...

...it's like a field of dreams, leroy but if it's here, i'll search 'til i find it...

McFly said...

Dear Angela,

1) I guess you have never rode a cannondale with a clicky pedal.

2a) What's in the basket? 2b) Why did you put 2 drops of yak semen in your bath?

3) I bet you smell so delightful all over when you get out of that tub.


I have the weirdest boner right now. Thanks Mike, I had skipped the video previously.

leroy said...

Wait a minute.

Maggie Mayhem?

Of the Greenwich, Connecticut and Charleston, South Carolina Mayhems?

My dog insists he prepped with her brother at Groton and attended her Junior League cotillion. Fine family. Been here for ages.

Anonymous said...

It's pronounced Maggie MayHim? No he may not, but SHE may.

Mary Poppdouche' said...

Clitty Clitty Gang Bang!

Lloyd Flandis said...

So ENGLand spread about the gold this year. Getting Cavindish Olympics gold. Are they rich enough for TdF too?

Eddie said...

Hornet db40... I want one!

Eddie said...

Hornet db40... I want one!

Bickus said...

We should take all the money from all the crappy Kickstarter campaigns, and give it to Graeme Obree (does he even have a Kickstarter campaign?)!
Even if he fails, it would still be a glorious failure!

bikesgonewild said...

...i'd like you all to contribute to the 'bikesgonewild kickstarter campaign'...

...i'm trying to amass $1,000,000 before july 4th...

...my intent with this money is to "...make hay while the sun shines..."...

...anyone donating less than $10,000 will receive a handwritten 'thank you' note & a handshake should we ever meet & anyone contributing anything beyond that fee will receive a copy of my game plan & i shall most gladly send you postcards from my various destinations...

Anonymous said...

http://www.madjacksblog.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/girl_bike.jpg

leroy said...

My dog has offered to hold the funds raised by BGW's kickstarter campaign.

For each contribution over $10,000, he'll throw in an autographed photo and an approximately half-full bag of Cheetos.

Anonymous said...

virgin wool virgin panties

McFly said...

A DUDE FROM THE UNITED STATES ATTIC IS LEADING THE GIRO! Rider HisDoll...I do not think that's his real name.

Brownsville Bikeshare said...

Snob, you never saw Madison Young in "Wired Pussy"? She's an "auteur" on either side of the lens!!

I have nothing against porn, of course, but I wouldn't have thought such an insipid union as alterna-porn & alterna-"bike culture" cf. the infinite smugness of bike messengers (& the dipshits who fetishize them) would be consummated in my lifetime.

Wired Pussy Souplesse!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Big Muff Pie

bikesgonewild said...

...oh, great...the result of eating cheetos without an opposable thumb (in this case) is a large orange furry muzzle...

...beware of imitators...examine all fotos carefully...send checks only to 'bgwkicks.com'...

McFly said...

Dish Network unsubscribes me from a trial sample of the USN channel in the middle of the Giro and wants money now. Well played Big Media, well played.

Dooth said...

They must have liver, kidney, and tripe drinks.
Picture licking your frothy lips after chugging back a few.

bikesgonewild said...

...c'mon, mcfly, you know how that shit works...

...'the pusherman' is always willing to give you a free taste 'cuz he knows you're gonna want more...

...doesn't matter what kinda shit he's pushin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...i might add, however, that it's nice to see a canadian looking 'pretty in pink' at il giro...


...ben fatto, ryder, molta forzo...

Fred Douche' (pronounced Dew-shay) said...

In newworld we watch online or stream the Giro.

For free.

google 'giro watch free ...

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=giro+watch+free&gbv=2&oq=giro+watch+free&aq=f&aqi=g-b2g-bK5&aql=&gs_l=hp.3..0i8l2j0i8i30l5.1281.4359.0.4594.15.15.0.0.0.0.140.1247.9j6.15.0...0.0.T9E_oP6sRAQ

McFly said...

I cannot handle realtime...dare I say it's...bor...no I won't. I prefer the DVR so I can watch it at my leisure and blast through the TDF (Totally Dedicated Fred) Training Machine commercials. It actually has a setting with a speaker and Hennie Kuiper will scream at you in broken English telling you how bad you suck. Suk.

David said...

I'm completely plussed my girls who know how to use an air compressor!

David said...

I mean "by girls" (also by bi girls) (or my bi girls, if I had any).

C. Bono said...

So if I married Bono I would become Mrs. Chaz Bono Bono ...

or would that be Mr. Chaz Bono Bono

Anonymous said...

She would become Mrs. Paul David Hewson. Chastity Hewson. Once the union was consumated he would immediately throw up everywhere.

Anonymous said...

Chaz that is.

Anonymous said...

Like I said, Panties.

Anonymous said...

So, the linked page said: "About Girlfriends Films:
Girlfriends Films was created to provide realistic lesbian-sex movies for discerning viewers who demand the best."

It seems like a more realistic lesbian-sex scene would more likely follow from a night of doritos, television, and staying in with their cats than "The messengers continue their lascivious ways when Dylan goes down on Arabelle right in the middle of a café".

JB said...

"...Annika gets a flat tire and pulls over to the nearest bike shop..."

Sounds legit.

PROfessionaL said...

Free porn videos xoporntube watch !

TheGreatKazu said...

Well, I do not have $15,000 to donate, but I do have some advice how you can save about that much. I recommend riding your bike to Costa Rica : if you are thinking about getting some dental work you may want to consider the cosmetic dental specialists in Costa Rica. Its a beautiful country, and you can get dental crowns for pennies on the dollar. Let me know how it turns out.

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Mikes,
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http://sportsfunia.com said...

nice pics

Robert said...

"Angela Lansbury is one with the bike." oh you, so silly.

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