Spehshul* Announcement! (And other stuff.)

*(Spelling of "special" altered due to pending litigation by Specialized.)

The year was 2010. An obscure Brooklyn bike blogger published a book called "Bike Snob." Despite containing not a single delicious casserole recipe, "Bike Snob" immediately rocketed to the top slot of the New York Times best seller list, and in the ensuing months went on to outsell the Bible, the Talmud, and "Horton Hears a Who" combined. This whirlwind of publishing success continued until the author's ill-fated "Oprah" appearance, during which he claimed to be "bigger than Zoroaster" and then, while jumping up and down on the couch wildly, accidentally kicked Oprah in the face. The author is unwelcome in Iran to this day.

If you haven't yet figured it out, this bike blogger was me, or I, or myself, or whatever the correct grammer is. Despite the controversy I enjoyed writing and publishing a book so much I went ahead and wrote another one, and it will be in bookstores by April 2nd of this year. Here's what it will look like when viewed from the front:

Here's what it will look like censoring a naked lady on a recumbent:


And here's what it will look like when you take it home and read it in the bathroom:

Like my last book, this one is published by Chronicle, so you can rest assured that fit and finish will be top notch. Also like the last book, you can rest assured it's all new and original material and that you have never read it before unless either you have broken into my house or you are this guy and you can travel through time. As for what it's about, it's merely a humorous bike-themed exploration of the human condition from prehistoric times until today that contains the secret to everlasting happiness. I think you will enjoy it, unless you were hoping for a biography of Benjamin Franklin, in which case you may be profoundly disappointed.

Again, the book will be in stores by April 2nd, but if you're inclined to pre-order it you can do so now through:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

and

IndieBound.

Also, as you may recall, back in 2010 when "Bike Snob" came out I visited a number of cities and made various Book-Related Appearances, or "BRAs." These BRAs were tremendously enjoyable to me, and I'd like to think they were also fun for everyone who was kind enough to attend. Well, with this book Chronicle are going to send me out once again, only they're not sure where, and to that end they're soliciting recommendations as to where I should go this time around. So if you have a good idea for a BRA, simply leave it in the comments below, which they will be reading (Lob help them), and they will use it to determine whether or not to force me to go to your city.

Just to be clear, this request for tour stop recommendations is completely sincere. Nevertheless, I fully realize various joke suggestions are bound to appear anyway, so for my publisher's sake I'll just go ahead and pre-empt some of the more obvious ones:

--Send BSNYC to Scranus, PA

--Send BSNYC to Uranus

--Send BSNYC to Libya

--Send BSNYC to the Fukushima nuclear reactor

--Send BSNYC to Cleveland

Please, Lob, don't let it be Cleveland.

Of course, if I do come to your city, I will endeavor to make the visit as much fun as possible (even if it's Cleveland), and to get my hands on some good bikey stuff to give away, and to work in a bicycle cycling ride of some kind.

Thanks very much for your readership and your gratuitous scranus jokes, and I'm looking forward to seeing you in the various weird, scary, beautiful, and smug places that are not New York.

Moving on, further to yesterday's post in which I mentioned those Budnitz Bicycles (which I'm free to find silly since last time I checked this is AMERICA), one reader left an indignant comment (as is his or her right since last time I checked this is AMERICA):

Anonymous said...

Wow...you people are absolutely clueless to the contributions that Paul has made in the modern art world. This man is a visionary that supports the arts and the people around him. Just because he has never actually made the bikes doesn't mean that he shouldn't take credit for the daft designs that will live on for eternity.

When I made a design for a Dunny I didn't craft each and everyone as that would be a big waste of time. Paul understands design and who he can talk to to get things made.

Further more all the references to No 1 and No 2 are immature and sophomoric. Grow up!

It won't be long before all of you will be wishing you bought one because they are limited.

JANUARY 10, 2012 2:52 AM

First of all, nobody's criticizing Budnitz for not fabricating his own bikes--I think most of us would agree that having Lynskey build them is the only smart decision he's made. I also admit I'm not familiar with Budnitz's contributions to the modern art world, but as far as I can tell they mostly consist of these:

Even if I thought this stuff was artistically valid and not just a pointless anime-meets-Noid brainfart, I'm not sure why that would mean I should also respect his bikes. Nelson Mandela made some pretty important contributions to the world too, but that doesn't mean if he designed a bike it wouldn't suck. And as far as the whole "limited" thing, clearly the commenter has never heard of NAHBS. Bike dorks don't get excited about "limited" unless it's a single one-of-a-kind bike hand-fabricated specifically for their own crotchal dimensions by a Portlander with interesting facial hair .

In all honesty though, I would have forgotten about the Budnitz bikes by now if I hadn't also visited their site and read this:

They roll so godd*mn fast that we actually had to adjust the gearing on our first production models because traditional gear ratios moved too slowly.

Yeah, you know, "traditional gear ratios." I'm sure we all agree on exactly what those are--especially for a lobsided titanium hybrid named after a euphemism for going to the bathroom. Then came this:

Even better, our bicycles don’t add anything you don’t need. In a way, they actually add less.

So, $6,000 for less than you need. That's 17 words just to say "fuck you" to your customers. Pretty wasteful for a minimalist.

In other news of unpainted metal vehicles, Hans of Komet Club Rouleur (who kindly had me over to Gothenburg, Sweden last spring) recently sent me this photograph taken by a friend at a Bay Area cyclocross race:

I think it goes without saying who the owner is:


While another reader has forwarded me what could very well be the greatest disembodied hand shot ever taken:

Now that's a contribution to modern art.